The Fifth Hour: How About Them Onions?

A week from Black Friday. Oh yeah, very exciting. On this podcast we have the Malar Kitchen Diaries, Bias Babies, the phrase of the Week, and an added bonus, an old friend returning. We'll explain what that is. Time permitting. Time permitting on this podcast, but begin you and I together with the Malar Kitchen Diaries. There's something about the kitchen. It's in every home, the kitchen, but it's something that feels like a there's something there that feels like a stage.

Now I'm not talking about the Food Network something like that. More like a one man Shakespearean tragedy, at least when I'm involved starring yours truly, And yet again another example of me questioning some of the choices I've made in my life. I have learned often, and I share these stories with you when bodily things go wrong because of medical conditions or whatever. But when I get into the kitchen and I get my hands dirty, sometimes they are

dirty with blood, blood blood blood. That is the malarculinary institute of learning. From a strict tuition policy, you are going to pay in pain, oh the agony. And I don't know whether you cook or not. I'm I don't know. I've heard from people that do. I've heard from people. I eat TV dinners, I eat frozen food. I got

an air fryer. That's all I need. But there's that moment in every kitchen, right before you slice, sear, or flame something, where, at least for me, I hear the Anthony Bourdaine voice, the late Great Anthony Bourdain voice like

a ghost haunting you. It's over your shoulder. And in the Anthony Bourdain voice, I hear the whisper good food is all about risk, and when it does come to the Malar Culinary Institute, the risk level is somewhere between Evil Knievel jumping the Grand Canyon and deciding I'm gonna make my password for all of my banking information and my life savings. I'm going to make my password password one two three ABC is what my password is going

to be. Now, this is not cooking. This is full contact food preparation, and I'm going to prove that to you right here on this podcast. So we approach this with adrenaline, heartburn, medication, and the understanding that in any moment in the kitchen this could become an episode of Dateline. You don't want to be on an episode of Dateline. Now, all of this Michigas started out innocently enough in a land far far away, unless it actually happened just a

couple of miles away. But this was a chance, a way to honor my dearly departed mother and her epic legacy that she left behind. Is the baker and the family food maker. And all that. Now. Originally, if you've been following the podcast, you know that this was something that started with cookies. And I'd like to thank the people that Crumble Cookies who have been price scouging for years. Over there. My god, it's just a little bit of dough and some chocolate chips. What are you doing? And

they're great. I love Crumble cookies. They're outrageously priced, and so I made a knockof version. The wife had gotten me some Crumble cookies and I really liked them, and then she told you, She told me how much they cost, and she tried to high that from me, and then I found it and I said, oh my god. So I'll just make some ripoff versions of my favorite Crumble cookies. And so that was the baby step, if you will, into the domestic Benny Bliss domestic Bliss there. However, it

did not stop there. Like any gateway drug, the chocolate chip cookie led to other cookies, and then that led to the Mallard what I call the crack Cocaine menu at the Malar Mansion, which I've talked about a lot. My favorite foods, the smash burger on the griddle, grilled onions, peppers, all that welded to the griddle like it's owed it's owed you money or something like that. The Philly cheese steak that could end up solving world peace and causing

everyone to have heart disease at the same time. Double daily, double daily double. Then there's the Mallard Pizza, which briefly was Eddie Restaurant. I hope that guy Johnny Oh's listening in Grand app It's Michigan. We briefly had the Mallard pizza, which is garlic onion, bell pepper, generous helpings of garlic onion, bell pepper. It was the Mona Lisa of garlic, onion and bell pepper. And then the crunchy gringo taco. May

my friend Alex Long departed rest in peace. There the crunchy gringo taco that would make any reasonable nutritionist openly weep. All right, And so in the last I'm not sure how long it's been been, about six months, maybe a year. Time flies. So entering the kitchen has been swarma that came into the picture, that beautiful Mediterranean marble, the spinning pillar of poultry perfection, chicken shwarma. Truth be told, it has become a Saturday night ritual in the Malor mansion. Well,

what a life. I watched some college football, maybe a crappy NBA game. I got that going on. The marinade that sleeps overnight. I talk overnight. This thing sleeps. So you get the chicken ready, you pound the chicken a little bit, you get everything ready, all the spices and all that stuff, and the marinade, and it just sits there in the fridge and sleeps like it's at a four star hotel. And that's it, and wake up and you're on your way. Sometimes I do it overnight, two

or three hours in the oven. You rotate every thirty minutes or so, like it's auditioning for dancing with the stars. And finally, in order to get chicken shwarma. It's one thing to put the chicken on the spit, but you've got to slice it, you gotta shave it. You've got to present the shwarma the way that it deserves to be presented, like our brothers and sisters in the Middle East. So this is where you get your testosterone juices going. And that is also where the quantum leap took place.

There was a metamorphosis in the malar kitchen, when Benny the Baker became Benny the butcher. You see the new chicken shwarma toy that I decided to get in a moment of I don't know what I was thinking. I got this chicken schwarma restaurant style buzz saw. I don't know any other way to say it. And I bought it in a moment of culinary confidence that was unwarranted on the Amazon. I found it, wife bought it, got it, and I'm happy to report that I nearly turned my

left thumb into a side dish. Would you like some thumb with your schwarma? No, I'm good. I could just take some rice, but we have a nice chunk of a thumb. Would you like that with some sauce? No, I don't want that with some sauce. So the blaze of the circular kitchen saw the shwarma as it was described on Amazon shwarma buzz saw. I said, easy to assemble, easy to clean, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. So I pluged this thing in. I'd opened the box.

I plugged this thing in. I put the blade. There was an extra blade. I put it in and as I was futzing around trying to figure out how exactly the Shwarma buzzsaw worked, somehow, some way, my left hand that got in the way, and it was I didn't even notice at the time. This thing was so fricking power. I didn't even notice. And then I looked on the inside but not the back of my knuckle. I don't

know what the inside thing is. You know, whether you bend your thumb and the part where it bends forward, and it looked like a fighter jet had buzzed by the tower. It was fast, it was violent. My thumb felt a little off. And then I looked at it. I said, whoa, I had the precision of a neurosurgeon with some anger issues. It was. It was a gusher. And as this is going on, I'm putting my hand under the sink trying to wash whatever is there away. So the wife calls me. Now, normally, you know, you

pick up I picked up. Crisis going on. She's like, hey, how's your new toy. How's your new toy? I said, Oh, it's great. The gadget's going very well. Here. It's a great little toy. There just just absolutely wonderful. And without missing a beat, I said that, and I said it's great. And I said, well, I just had one little thing, I said, little paper cut. And why did I say that? I said that because I know how my wife's brain

is wired. If I had said, well, I think I might have just cut the half of my thumb off on my left hand. Oh my god, it would have been pan at the disco and all that stuff. And if I just say a paper cutses, Oh, you get paper cuts all the time, and you say that because sometimes survival is about not telling the truth immediately. You just got to give the truth adventures, but you don't get right of it. So I hung up, and I immediately thought, man, do I need stitches like this? I

probably should get some stitches. I should have signed a waiver before opening up this monstrosity, and at least now I was able to stop the bleeding. I put some a lot of pressure bandages, and I likely could have used maybe three or four stitches on my thumb, but that would have caused a whole other set of issues

and all that stuff, and so I avoided that. I should have signed some kind of waiver before again opening this at least now, though I am the proud owner of what I call symmetrical scars, the daily double of scars, because I did. I'm not to tell the story on the previous podcast, but about a week prior, I was the soux chef at the Malar Mansion. I was cutting onions at the Malor Mansion, chopping them up right, Chopping onions, something that I do a lot, and I don't tell

anyone I eat a lot of onions. I don't like vegetables other than onion, bell, pepper, and garlic. And that's it. And so my right pointer finger, my right hand, was getting a workout. How dare you My right pointer finger nearly severed while chopping onions, nearly severed while chopping onions. And so this week the left thumb sliced from the Schwarma buzz saw. And now I'm one dice garlic clove

away from joining the witness protection program. You know it's going to be bad when your hands starts looking like they were coached by your hands. Both of them. They were coached by Nathaniel Hackett. Remember Nathaniel Hackett, the numb nuts who coached the Broncos. Yeah, so this Swarma Buzzsaw. I've got good news for Ferg Dog and Alf and mister nice Guy and some of the other big fans. So this Shwarma Buzsaw will be coming to an Amazon return bin near you with an added bonus. An added bonus,

you can get the malar hemoglobin as I left. I think I washed it off, but there's some DNA I'm sure still on there. Now, what's next in the malar kitchen? You asked, Well, I'm glad you asked. The plan is with Black Friday coming up next week, to buy a custom sharpened for war and ready for battle shwarma knife. Now. Sure, I might lose the arm. I might lose the arm. It also might make the greatest fifth hour podcast of my life. Because the reality is King with Ben Mahler.

That would be me talking to the third person. Is not for the fan of heart. There's no Michelin star. The only star I have is the star of a band aid, a Johnson and Johnson band aid, the owner of the Jets. Maybe a little barbecue sauce off the side. So there's that now. I promise you that this podcast in about two or three months. Hank in Tokyo he's jotting down notes right now, and he's like, how can I weaponize this? How can I weaponize malor slicing his

thumb and almost cutting it off. And I'll wait four months and I'll bring this up when Malou does a monologue about the Chiefs, because I like the chiefs and he's gonna rip the chiefs and I'm gonna go sit by that and another Anthony Bourdain. I want to bookend this with Anthony Bourdain, the great celebrity chef. He was right as well. He said the way you make an omelet reveals your character. Right, he said that what he should have said is the way you slice swarma reveals

your morality. And that's it or mortality. I think I said morality mortality. Oh boy, it's early, and yet every every Saturday and this has been going on. I lace up the apron. I'm like a prize fighter. It's Benny the Mallard time Maller in the kitchen. It's three hours of verbal boxing, because that's the deal. That's the deal in the kitchen is the deal in sports radio. You sharpen the blade, you take the risk, and you pray

that you still have your thumb Comeunday. Keep in mind this food I make on Saturday, I make a lot of chicken, a bunch of chicken, stack it up as far as far as we go, and that's my food Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, so three days of food. My wife also eats that while she's at work. And then I'll make some rice and don't tell anybody that I'm eating somewhat healthy because I'll also have some cookies or something

I make, so it's not that healthy anyway. So the plan is, you know, I'm gonna get that knife eventually and some other stuff and I'll be good to go. And yeah, I'll get the marinade and all that. And I'm sure that the knife wants my social Security number, so I'll give it that. So there you go, turning the page.

Somebody sent me a link to it, and it was asked. The GROC was asked how Elon Musk stacks up against Lebron James, and Grock responded by acknowledging originally that Lebron dominates in raw athleticism and basketball prowess and all this stuff, and he's a genetic freak and blah blah blah the chat bock chet bot and then made a claim which

has gone viral. That said, but Elon edges out in holistic fitness sustaining eighty to one hour weeks across SpaceX Tesla neuralink demands relentless physical and mental grit that outlast seasonal peaks lot there. So Elon has since broken into

commentary on this. He talked about it, He refuted the rather insane to the membrane claims, the outlandish claims about this, and Elon then penned on the micro blogging site x formerly known to Twitter, he said, earlier today, Grock was unfortunately manipulated by adversarial prompting into saying absurdly positive things about me. For the record, I am a fat retard, said Elon. Elon Musk. Okay. Groc has also made similar

responses with over the top praise for Elon Musk. In fact, there's some examples here that I read that he picked Elon Musk over pay and manning for the nineteen ninety eight NFL draft. Also claimed that the millionaire could fight the former heavyweight chippieid of the world Iron Mike Tyson. So these AI conversations have since sparked conversation and rayak shan across all social media platforms, going on and on and on and on and on, and people are freaking out.

There's always people freaking out. There was one dude who's like at Cornell and he gave a statement saying, these tweets, while they're mostly amusing, r a reminder of a serious matter. There is no such thing as unbiased AI. Okay, an unbiased AI tool. So the question with a number of people, again, this is the matrix, So take it for what it's worth. Who knows if these people are actually freaking out or not.

But for the purposes of this part of the Fifth Hour podcast, Let's just assume position that some people are freaking out because an AI chatbot said Elon Musk. Well, they would take Elon Musk edging out over Lebron James in a matchup. So there are people that are a little annoyed BYuT this is this a big deal, a little deal, or no deal? So after a minutes long Mallard deliberation, I have determined this is a harmless deal. Of course, AI is not unbiased. I love that there

are people who are freaked out. Oh my god, I can't believe the AI is not unbiased. What a nightmare. And I'm like, really, like, you live in the same world I live in. You raised by a bunch of wolves, but not timberwolves because you'd be a loser. Humans are not unbiased, every man, woman, and child. You get to a certain age, including the Dali Lama and the late great Mother Teresa. Bias is not some glitch in the system. It is absolutely baked into every one of us. I

am bias. You are biased, right, It's part of the human condition. Every lens we look through every sound that we hear. If you're blind, like Stevie Meatballs or incod terror blind, Scott or any of the guys that are in the blind Mob of we have the top blind

fighting squadron of any radio show. You think about the heavy hitters that we've got mentioned some of them there, Stevie, Meatballs again, Blind Scott Inkad Terror, Emmett the Blind Seahawk fan, our buddy in Bakersfield, Andrew in Bakersfield part of that group. And so you look at all that, it's like they could hear sounds and but they're biased, right their brihs

because of this. It's all based on your upbringing, your situation in life, the way your parents taught you, culture education, even little accidents along the way, like the time that I had an issue coming back from from dinner in the car and uh, you know it just that helped shape who I am. But think of it like this, I like, think of it like a fingerprint. No two are the same, but everyone has one, right they don't

know fingerprints are the same, but everyone's gone. Your world view is unique, and it's still a print that shapes how you grasp reality. What is reality? I don't know what reality is? What is reality? And so you see the game different. It's like it's like home field advantage versus going on the road. Some people and athletes love. Some guys love going on the road, shutting people up. Other people like, no, I want to stay I want

to stay home. I want to have my bed, I want to have everything like that, And they can handle the whole environment. They have problems with the people cheering against them, and they don't like the different stadiums and the rituals and all that stuff and so, but that's based on perception, and so you get a bunch of information that that becomes who you are. It's like people talk about cloning, and yeah, you could have the same genetic makeup, you make a clone like Tom Brady's dog.

The issue is that that'll never be the same because what makes you you, as I learned from from Doctor Seuss, is that every place you've been and everything you've done, and every in my case, every monologue about the Cowboys or the Dodgers or the usual suspects, it's all in the catalog. And a recreation will not have that same

life experience. And there's a world where Elon Musk, for example, use him as an example, there's a world where Elon Musk does not become the most powerful business mogul in the world, worth trillions of dollars. That there's a world where he ends up as a janitor and he ends up in the Janitorial Olympics that we are going to do the housekeeping Olympics that we talked about in last

week's episode of The Fifth Hour podcast. There's also a world where Lebron James never ends up playing basketball and doesn't play sports at all, and just ends up becoming some kind of middle manager at a Applebee's in Akron, Ohio. And there's his life, and that's it. And so the paradox is that even when people try to be objective, they're still choosing what is important to them as relevant. That's the same that people have a media biased And I love how certain people are we're not biased it,

you are. Everyone's biased right now. Some people just own it and wear it and they're like, oh, yeah, we're biased. Yeah, absolutely, come on now, we're biased. And then other people are like, oh we are fair, and no, you're all right. Meanwhile, time for the phrase of the week. The phrase of the week. The phrase of the week this week, as submitted by Scott in Florida formerly in California, but he left the People's Republic of California for the Free State

of Florida. So Scott writes, and he says the phrase social butterfly. I want to know about social butterfly. So that is the phrase of the week's social butterfly. So this originated ittle research on this. And you know, from the metaphor of a butterfly flitting from flower to flower, I guess that was a metaphor that was used popularly back in the day. And this thing goes back. It became popular social butterfly in the late nineteenth and early

twentieth centuries. It was a way to describe fashionable, outgoing individuals. You said, oh, that's a social butterfly. And just like a butterfly moving very gracefully from bloom to bloom, a social butterfly as someone who rather obviously just from one conversation to a different part of the party and goes to a different group of people and is bouncing around. Now, the idiom began appearing in English around the late eighteen hundreds, so about the time Major League baseball became a thing.

In the late eighteen hundreds and early nineteen hundreds, often in society comes describing women who attended multiple balls, dinners or charity events. Now, originally, originally this was a derogatory phrase. Oh my god, I can't use it. It was derogatory. You can use it, you can use it's okay, I'm going to be the pass on that. But originally it suggested that someone was a shallow person, more concerned about the perception the appearance than the depth of a connetch.

And over time it softened into a more neutral, is sometimes even positive descriptor of hey, oh, you're a verial social butterfly. As an introvert, I am not a social butterfly, but today refers to someone who is charismatic and outgoing. I do Benny Versus the Penny on YouTube. You should watch the latest episode today at some point, make some

time help us out. Subscribe to the Benny vs. Penny channel. However, on that show, I do it with Tom Looney, who's a tremendous, tremendous extrovert, right tremendous, very charismatic and loves parties and all that stuff. And no, no, I don't go back to the Gilded Age in the early twentieth century, So I don't go back to that point, but I would not be the one bouncing around parties and all that. And so for those that are into that, good for

you and all that shifted. By the mid twentieth century, the phrase broadened beyond high society elites and has been used for years to describe anyone who enjoys, mingling and networking and is all about that life boss. So there you go, and good luck. And if you're an extrovert, it's for you. Knock yourself out doubt time. As an added bonus, we have an added bonus, added bonus. What is the bonus? Well, Ryan and Shrewsbury Mass, who's been

up early. I don't know what Ryan's up to. He's been getting up early to hear the last part of the show, the live radio show. We thank him for being part of the mattherl Or Militia and he's a regular. He said, I would like you to bring back Foody Fund. He heard the overnight show when I was ranting about Josh Allen and the bills and all this other nonsense, and he's like, hey, you got to bring back the Foody Fund. So in honor of Ryan and Shrewsbury Mass food he fun. Hooray for food.

Gremlin's Midnight See. I would get this if it came with the little Gremlin stuffed animal thing. The Gremlin's Midnight Meal for those that enjoy a lot of weed snack after hours. Two Crispy Chicken strips, two Tacos, onion rings, half Sea Fries, midnight Sauce, and a drink that will cost you thirteen bucks. Thirteen bucks. It also includes Oh here we go, a limited edition Gremlins air Freshener. Do I need a Gremlins air freshener? I do not? I

do not. Also joining the lineup in the new Midnight Snack Shake department a couple of different flavors they've got different toppings as well. You got vanilla shake. It's blended with M and M's milk, chocolate candies, Mini marshmallows, crunchy Graham cracker crumbs, and salty pretzel pieces. And that's available from five forty nine to five ninety nine. And so there's that. I guess this started in San Diego, where Jack in the Box has they're headquarters. I believe they're

based in San Diego. So there is that. What else do we have on Foody Fund? Little Caesars, which is everywhere pizza pizza, They've debuted the new stuffed crunch crust pizza. What the f is that? What is that stuffed crunch crust? All right, let's see what this thing is. It features a large round pizza with toasted cheese stuffed crust brushed with the brand signature buttery flavored garlic spread. There you go. Does not does not seem bad? I this week was

where was I at? I was? I was at the store and there was a pizza hut that was popping and my grandfather, my mom's dad, loved pizza. I went there a lot as a kid, Like that was a treat to go to pizza and they served the pie at the table and they gave you the It was it was really cool. And I've not been to pizza. I used to eat pizza breadsticks at Dodger Stadium because that was my thing and it was relatively inexpensive and it gave you a good amount of food and I

love that. And I used to bet people and they would get me the breadsticks. Well, actually what happened there was a woman I don't know if anybody knows who she is anymore, Lisa Guerrero, who I think she's an entertainment reporter now. But Lisa was in La TV. Personality she did Monday night football did not go very well

for her. She was really cool to me. She was a nice woman and we you know she was We're going to like Channel two in LA and I was on the Dodger Dodger beat, and so my move would be to go get breadsticks, and she the pizza at Breadsticks and Lisa she only wanted like she'd always like, kid me up, why can I get a bread stick?

And so I gave her one and it would piss me up, but it was like the polite thing to do, and I do it and then eventually she started every once in a while buying me an order of breadsticks. But that was the last time. It probably goes back twenty twenty five, five years or so, last time I ate pizza. I think it's been about that long. But it was. It was jop It was jumping and Little Caesars, which happened to be and we're talking about Little Caesar

right now. Their debut. They debuted this new stuffed crunch pizza thing acrust there. I was also at a different store and there was a Little Caesars and that thing was jumping too. So that's is that one of the last really decent deals you can get is the pizza. Little Caesars is really compared to everything else, light years ahead in terms of affordability. Popeyes has launched the new

Freddy faz Bear. I believe I'm probably butchering that crunch menu featuring garlic palmersan chicken tenders, cheesy bites, and cupcake cup that's right. They've teamed up with five Nights at Freddy's two to bring you the fan a taste of the franchise with this launch, and so you can get that at Popeyes right now. Taco Bell debut's the Fan Style Menu, featuring the new California Crunch, Rap, Burrito Bliss, and Catalina Craze. That sounds like a lot of stuff

that Devonte Adams of The Rams likes. Followed by over forty thousand submissions by people that are fans of Taco Bell, they announced the debut of the new Fans Style Menu. Now, this is only available through the app and at select restaurants, at least according to this So there you go. Also, Wingstop has debuted the new Fiery Lime flavor. Well isn't that exciting? Yeah, there you go. And what else do we have about? Well, here's some interesting fashion and food news.

Venmo and Taco Bell have decided that belts should do more than just hold up your pants and the world. You know, you don't want the world to see your underwear, They should also hold up your tacos. Yes, this this is a move right out of the KFC department. KFC does these things every once in a while where they're gonna sell cologne that you can smell like fried chicken, that kind of thing, and it's just gag stuff. Taco Bell's like, hey, we want some of that action. Man,

we want some of that action. So Taco belt is a handcrafted belt made by an artisan who has built a one of one piece in the past for people like Kendrick Lamar Chabouzi and other people I've never heard of who are apparently famous. But I'm getting old, so I don't know who these people are anyway. A bunch of celebrities, you know, a celebrity effort and all that stuff. And so this belt, which really looks about as ugly as you could you could be, just really really ugly.

They say it's a piece of art, and I guess it is if you're Stevie Meatballs. It's a piece of art. For the rest of us, I don't know about that. I don't know about that. They say, Hey, listen, it's a play on the money belt, and instead of storing cash, it guards something arguably just as important. The free Cantina Chicken taco wish you can snag on your future order when you pay with Venmo in the Taco Bell app This is through December thirty first through December thirty first,

So there's that and McDonald's. We'll get out on this. McDonald's is going full Grinch for the holiday season on December Madness. We're not that far away from December here. Thanksgivings coming up next week. December Madness is coming for all of us. So Mickey De's deciding to embrace the story, says the Chaos with a meal built for anyone who's feeling a little grinchy, starting December second at select locations nationwide.

We're not sure about our friends in Canada. We're not sure about you guys in Canada, so check in on that. But the Grinch Meal a collab with Doctor Seuss Enterprises. I think I just mentioned Doctor Seuss earlier in this podcast. Anyway, Doctor Seuss Enterprises leans into the mischief instead of mistletoe. The star is the new Dill Pickle Grinch Salt Mickshaker fries. That is a mouthful. Let me say that again for

those of you in the back of the room. I know Ferg Dog doesn't really care that much, but Alf's excited. The new Dill Pickle Grinch salt Micshaker fries a tangy, briny seasoning you toss onto the fries yourself. It's the first time that the US has gotten this. I guess they've done it elsewhere. I'm good. I don't like I could say I actually might try that if I ended up. It's just seasoning. It's just seasoning. I don't like the texture of pickles. I don't like the I like the smell.

I used to eat pretzel, pencil pretzel. I used to eat little pieces of when when I was a kid. My mom, you gotta eat I just I didn't want it. I did not want any of the pickle. So we'll put the pickle back in the jar. Remember when our buddy Alf sentle giant box to me and Eddie because Eddie hates pickles more than I do, and he sent us this big box of pickle chips and pickle snacks, and we're good. All right, we'll get out on that. I'm gonna go to bed. Have a wonderful rest of

your Friday. Here, don't forget about Benny Versus the Penny. Bennie Versus the Penny season number one on YouTube after a couple of years on NBC and then they whacked us. So we're back on YouTube. Check that out, first time ever. And it's week twelve, full episode up. We're off to the one and oh start. We're undefeated. So far thanks to the Houston Texans winning outright over the Buffalo Bills. I have a great We'll talk to you on Saturday.

That'll be tomorrow, and then again on Sunday and later. Skater asta pasta, gotta murder, I gotta go