The Fifth Hour: Fridge, Shower, Pantry

We know what you like to do with nuts. I rotate nuts. I don't know what you're talking about. There's great protein and fiber in peanuts and they're not actually nuts, right, they're not actually nuts. They're not in the what are they the goomes? Is that what they are? They're not They're not nuts, right, nuts are like all men's walnuts,

that's nuts. These are just something else. But anyway, it is National Peanut Day today on this podcast, we've got Rod Serling hit the showers and the bed and breakfast returns, So a lot to get to and then we'll all go our separate ways and I guess we'll watch college football. Yeah.

to it. So I had one of those moments this past week, Danny, that I the kind of thing that makes you wonder if you've officially crossed over into old man territory, like yelling at the clouds type that portion of your life the chapter or talking about naps. Yeah, exactly, I don't normally nap, but the show. Let me just paint the picture for you as you consume this podcast.

So the show was wrapped, I was sitting in the remote studio at the Malor Mansion, sending out some show notes, trying to get myself together, and then I reached to my left, my left hand side, and I reached over to grab my phone. And then I was going to walk out of the remote studio. So I reached over to grab my phone and I didn't feel it, and I was like, well, that's kind of weird. I know I left it there. I have one hundred percent left it there and so and then I said, well, maybe

it dropped, but it wasn't there. So I checked on the floor, I checked everywhere else on the desk, I moved some papers. There's some Kleenex box here on the desk. I moved that around and I could not find it. It was gone. It was a Houdini. It advanished. Now keep in mind, though, the part of this story which was amazing to me, is that I have I'm not bragging. My wife got me an Apple Watch. So I have an Apple Watch, which is supposed to be Danny idiot proof.

You should never ever lose your phone when you have an Apple Watch, because you press the magic button and then your phone will start beeping, even if it's on silent mode, your phone will start beeping like a submarine sonar. Then just go to it. It's it's wonderful, it's I have. I haven't ever lost my phone since I got this watch. It's great. It's full. It's full. Oh, it was just you took the words out of my mouth. That's it's fool proof. You you know what I'm talking about, Danny.

It's perfect. So uh so it's fool proof except when it is it. So yeah, I thought, i I'm like, left hand side. I grabbed one there and so then I'm moving stuff around, futson around, couldn't find it. So it's like, all right, whatever, and so so then I pressed the button on the watch. I'm like, all right, well listen, I'll beep and i'll get it in two seconds. And then it said something I'd never seen before in

the watch. It said feature not available. So I pressed it again because surely this was like a cosmic typo type thing and it must be a mistake. So the same thing. So then I did a third time, because I think that's the rule of comedy, right, you have to do things three times. Everything goes in threes, three stooges or whatever. So I press it again and the

dame watch is the feature not available. So I'm like, oh man, it's like maybe my battery on my phone died and I thought it was charged, but maybe it wasn't charged. Then I'll go on this, I'll go around and I'll find it. And I was trying to like retrace my steps, and I was like, where have I hadn't been that many places and I knew I had

the phone. So and then at some point, like panics start setting in, Like I go on this scavenger hunt through the through the Malor mansion like a lunatic, and I'm going through every room, every nook and cranny, and I am now convinced that I've entered the twilight zone. Like Rod Serling was going to pop out Danny behind the laundry basket with a cigarette and explain to me.

The Malard phone slipped into another dimension of time and space, the same dimension like you know, your socks go when you lose your sock, like that kind of thing, and so so where and so. Then thirty minutes later or so, I was totally defeated by this point, so I'd given up, and I was like, all right, crap, it's gonna have to get a new phone. It's gonna cost me, like, you know, eight hundred bucks or whatever. His phones are ridiculous.

So I was like, all right, I'll go to the I went to the fridge to get some water, and I put the cup in to grab the water things on the inside of the fridge. So I put the water thing in the cup to get the water, and I'm getting the water, and then I look in the fridge and then eureka, there it is. My phone was sitting between like a can of Seltzer and a bag of garlic. What the hell? Yeah, yeah, So the phone was perfectly comfortable chilling, like it belonged there, Like it

was like something I bought at the grocery store. And I realized, like I in a hurry, you know, doing the remote show. I'm running around, and I went to get some water, and I guess I had I needed my hand, and I put my I somehow put the phone in the fridge, and then I was in such a hurry I just ran up to you know, to the studio to do the show, and then I forgot about it. And the amazing part of the story, though, Danny,

is that this thing works fine. It's it's and it didn't work right away, like it was literally I had to let it warm up a little bit, but it didn't really have the sniffles or and I it warmed up and it carried on like nothing had happened. I was amazed.

Technology is supposed to save us from ourselves. But no amount of Apple innovation, the IWA Apple Watch and all that stuff can prevent you from from somehow forgetting to put your phone in the fridge. The other thing about that, I learned that your phone will not work if it's in the fridge is so thick and powerful, Danny, that the signal does not reach your it does not go through the doors of the refrigerator. So I did learn that from this.

It was time for me to go go hit the shower.

survey and find out. But she went on to explain to me on the street and ask women, did you no, no, no, no, I'm gonna do it on Twitter through this show, okay, but it caught my attention obviously, and I'm like, wait a second, sixth seventh eighth grade. That's way too old. And she started to blush and realized that she set it out loud, and I guess she never thought about it,

that maybe it would sound strange to other people. But she went on to explain to me that what would happen is her and her two friends all the way through eighth grade. When they would hang out together, they would be dancing or riding their bikes around the neighborhood or you know, doing what kids do, even middle school kids. And then they would come back to their friend's house and they would all jump in the shower together. And she said that they would wash each other's hair, they

would wash each other's backs. I'm looking at her, and she must have saw the look, obviously saw the look on my face of surprise, and she's like, well, well, maybe it was a little weird because we did have pubic hair and boobs.

really being on you. So unless the water is super hot and it turns into a sauna like atmosphere, imagine three people though, like two of those three are cold in the shower.

YELP page saying hey, maybe stay here. You know it's a it's a you know it's an airbnb whatever. No, we don't do that, and uh, we don't don't talk about the thread count on the sheets. But this was family yet again, Danny, I get hornswaggle by family. So a relative out of state wanted to take their kid to Disneyland, and rather than spend hundreds of dollars at a hotel with one of those Mickey Mouse shaped pools where Donald Duck walks around and Goofy says hello, they

chose the Malor Mansion. Now, depending on one's perspective on this, it's either a boutique luxury stay or a hostel with really poor amenities. Right, So, now again people think I don't love family. I love family, I really do. I have to. I have to say that apparently every time we do this podcast, Danny like a mantra, So cause some of you, like you don't really like your family. The way you were taking. No, I do, I do. I'm not Hannibal Lecter. I'm not. I'm gonna you know,

that's not how obrate. But uh, I don't see them much. As I've talked about over the years, They've scattered all across the continental of the United States, like it's essentially like Starbucks. My family, they're all over the place. I got relatives in. I mean, I'm thinking abou how many states I know people that are I grew up with that were cousins or aunts, uncles, well not really aunts uncles they're kind of gone now, but cousins and my

brothers and all that. So I've got every time zone covered except the Hawaii Alaska area that is not covered. But everything else I've got from the East Coast to the Central time zone to the Mountain time zone. I have a cousin in Denver, and then now we've got obviously the West Coast completely covered as well. So it's like I'm running a pilot program for Amtrak's relatives everywhere across America. Like there I think they still have that.

Maybe they don't anyway. So my wife, God bless her, she did not tell me stories about showering with her friends in junior high school, Danny. But she did decide she wanted to be the hostess with the mostess again. So she rolled out the red carpet and if she could find a way to give you a mint on the pillow at at Turndown service, she would do it. I mean the whole thing. She treats our home as your home like a literal statement. Now my position is

like different. My position is I treat that like a legal disclaimer. Were subject to restrictions CD fine print and all that stuff. So my cousin, who I will not name, not that they listen to this podcast. They don't listen to this podcast. But my cousin named John Doe, shall we say John Doe, So stayed a few days, not that long. Now, part of it was perfectly fine. I only saw them one time because their schedule was a daytime schedule. I'm on the opposite end. I'm the nocturnal person.

I'm called the nocturnal colonel. So they were up early, gone to different amusement parks around southern California, and to get out early to beat the traff well actually sit in traffic. And so from that perspective. They were perfect house guests in that sense. But here's the rough. So they they ate, they drank, and they were being merry. And they didn't just do that a little bit. They didn't just like nibble like a little mouse on a granola.

They devoured groceries like contestants on a reality show. If they would make a show called Extreme Pantry Makeover or something like that, Well, let's go over to Maler's house, you know, let's help him clear out his pantry so it can buy some new stuff. And now, I don't drink coffee. I'm not a coffee drinker. I've never had coffee. I plan on not ever having coffee. But my wife loves coffee, and they drained her beloved coffee supply, which to her is not really a beverage. It's a sacrament,

the power of the coffee. It's a religious type thing. So and this is what absolutely kills me. Like and this is just how I'm wired. And you know this a little bit Danny, But for me, when I go to someone else's house, I don't like to touch anything. I'm afraid to even use the toilet when I go to someone's house because it would if I break something. What if the toilet clogs up or something like that.

What if I cause the water bill to go up and then they're upset with me and they can't pay their water bill and then they have to they lose the house or something. And if I ever do eat something, I'm not saying I don't eat something when I go to someone else's house, because I obviously do. Let's as you go somewhere, people offer you.

and I'll like go out and replace it. I go to Target, to the grocery store, Target, I'll buy something here. I hate that, you know. To me, that's kind of the unwritten social code the contract right now. Again, that's just me. Like these relatives, let's just say, Danny, they were they were not playing by the same playbook, the rule book. So you know, what did I do, Danny? What did I do?

maybe buy your own bagels or whatever? You know? Of course I did not do that, Danny, because that would cause awkwardness that may lead to World War three, because then this person will deputize members of the family against me, and if we ever get together, they'll be like, oh, you're the person that yeld him for drinking the coffee or her whatever. So instead, what I have chosen to do here, and I think it's the right decision. Instead,

I have turned to the safest therapist. I know this microphone, Danny, and you are you're my shrink. You're listening, and you listening to this podcast as I rant, it is much cheaper than an actual professional shrink. And I don't have to leave my my home. I'm in the remote studio. I can just sit here and I can see my phone. And again, this is not about food. I can afford food. It's about I can afford replacing the coffee. To me, it's just about boundaries. It's about expectation, it's about this

is this delicate little I don't know. It's a balancing act when you're hosting someone, which I don't love doing. But when you're hosting someone and you know, like the person's like you treat them, you're not supposed to treat them like the other you're if you're the host, the person staying there should not treat you like you're you're the chef, the concierge, the maynard d you know what I'm saying, Like you're just you're there and that's it.

And so it's you're not staying at the four seasons. It's it's someone's home, it's not the four season. But mostly I guess it's just I'm I'm a curmudgeon when it comes to this kind of stuff, and I admit it. I admit it.

having a podcast on the weekend. We both, we both use this as a forum to complain.

the name of their show to COMPLAINO and bitch. So you just got to be aware of what you're doing and not do it all the time.

I will talk sports every now and again, and this is just about random things that happened. That's what YouTube, I mean, boob tube is for exactly. That's what it is. All Right, we'll get out on that note, Danny, we got the now, don't forget Benny versus the Penny on YouTube YouTube dot com slash at Benny blast the two boobs. Yeah, I get. I'm just like mister Beast. I felt good

yesterday on the Friday Pod, Danny. I was ranting and raving because I really, when I see these numbers of viewership and whatnot, I have known that it's a rig game on social media. I get very very I'm already skeptical, but I just rolled my eyes at some of this stuff. Like people are so gible. They believe a lot of things that, let's just say, aren't actually true, and it blows me away. It is, like I said, it's one of the Great Hustles O Man.