Kutbooms.
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants of the old Republic, a soul fashion of fairness. He treats crackheads in the ghetto cutter the same as the rich pill poppers in the penthouse. Wow, it's the clearinghouse of hot takes. Break free for something special. The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now.
Here week ago. Welcome, It's the Fifth Hour with me, Ben Maller and Danny G Radio. Because listen, five days a week not enough, five nights a week not enough, and I'm on every night late night. Danny G, who used to be with me, is with Covino and Rich during the afternoon hours, and we form Voltron here on the weekends. We thank you for being part of the pod and spinoff off of all those terrestrial radio shows,
but only available here in the podcast format. This is the final NFL Sunday, the last one, the swan song for the regular season. And then it gets real. It's on like Donkey Kong starting next week in wildcard round. Excited about all that, but we've got the met back Before we get to the mailbag. I did want to mention here it's the fifth day of January. I wanted to mention more plumbing issues of the Malord Mansion. More plumbing issues.
I mentioned this is the reason I tune in.
Yeah, yeah, you love to hear, you know, shit stories. So we had mentioned in a previous episode there was a clogged toilet. Someone stayed at the house cloged toilet. So we had someone I will not name the guilty watching our dog Moxie while we were in San Francisco, house sitting and with a big giant gun in case anyone tried to come to the house anyway. So they were in the house for a few days. Got back
all right, got back kind of late, little groggy. When I got back to town, the person that was house sitting was gone. And I'm gonna tell this story because it's important to the story. So I go into the lower bathroom here the Malor Mansion, downstairs bathroom. So I go in there, and I had to take care of business. I'd been in the car all day driving back from from Northern California. So I'm I'm on the throne, you know, I'm doing my doing my thing with my squatty potty
and all that. And I go to flush, and I hear the water filling into the bowl, but I don't hear the water going down the bowl. And then I as I'm sitting on the throne, I am, I'm feeling some some water kind of coming up near the Tukas turns out Danny that the person that was watching the house had clogged the toilet and did not did not let us know. Again it's a second time. Now, this was not a number number one. This was the number two. Yeah, that means it was brown town, if you know what
I'm saying. Right. But I'm like, okay, you know what, I'm sure it's not a big stuff. I'm just gonna. I mean, I have a plunger. I am, I'm gonna. I'll cover my eyes and my nose and I'll do it. So I take the plunger out and it's not a great plunger. My wife got these plungers that look good. They're not really effective plungers, but they look good, so that whatever. So I go to plunge the toilet and a couple of thrusts. Nothing.
It's just the water is not going down.
So so let me give you a little time, so I know, because maybe the water pressure will put you know, you know, sometimes just without doing anything, the toilet water will go down, the clog will take care of itself. So I waited about forty minutes. I come back. It's exactly the same. It's I go to the plunger, I grab the plunge and I start trying to fus around with the plunger and try to get the thing on stuffed. And I'm really aggressive at this point. I'm really going
for it. I'm like a lumberjack with the plunger. So I'm doing it and nothing. So now I'm starting to freak out a little bit because it's like New Year's Eve or like it was like the day before news and I was like, you know how much it costs for a plumber over the holiday? Like they charge you extra, right, it's like surge pricing. So I'm gonna take care of this myself. I am hellbat. So I start going online. I'm like, what are some tricks to get a toilet
unclogged without a plumber? The Internet's a wonderful place. It's also a very dangerous place. So I I read all these home remedies involving boiling hot water. That boiling hot water will loosen everything up. So I went and boiled the pot of water. Now I'm standing over the brown poop water and I'm pouring boiling hot water. The poop is splashing around.
Oh, it's like you're making coffee.
So they said, the Internet said, just put the water in there and leave it. And then they said, also before you leave it, leave some some soap, some dish soap in there as well. So I'm like, okay, boiling hot water.
And then somebody was punking you.
Then I put dish soap over the boiling hot water. So now just brown soup with bubbles soap bubbles is what I have. Right, So it's like this is literally a shit show. And so but it said again, it said, listen, just do this, it'll take care of itself, you know, give it an hour. Okay, I'll give it an hour. So I went away and I came back about an hour later, and it was exactly the same, exactly same. So I said, you know what, I'm giving up. I'm giving up. I've tried the internet thing. I'm gonna go
to home depot. I'm gonna buy you know those plumbing tools you can buy at home depot to unclog a toilet. Yeah, so I'll do that. So I get up the next morning and I go down and look at the toilet and the water had gone down, like overnight. The water had gone down. So I'm like, all right, we're good. And the poop was gone and it was like it was low. So I went to flush the toilet and it got clogged again. It was it was not unclogged somehow. I don't know this like a magic trick, like a
Houdini trick. The water had gone away, but yet I flushed it and it filled back up in the water. It wasn't draining. So I was like, oh, screw it. So I went to home depot. I went to the plumbing aisle on home Depot and I'm looking around my Now, keep in mind, my grandfather was a very successful plumber, and so I feel like it should be in my DNA second generation, you know, third generation whatever. He ran up a plumbing company in LA and I feel like I should be able to pull this off. So I
go and go to the plumbing aisle. I get the I forget what it's called, but you it's it's kind of like a snake for a toilet. It's you know, it's a big metal thing you twisted, it goes all the way down the toy.
Yeah, call that a snake.
Okay, So I get that. Now there's three different options. There's the professional grade plumbing option, which is like one hundred bucks. There's the middle option, which is like forty or fifty bucks, and then there's the basic option, which is like twenty. So I, of course A bought the twenty dollars one. I'm not gonna spend one hundred dollars
to unclog a thought. So I bought the twenty dollars and I came back and I watched a YouTube video on how to do this thing, and I'd go in the bathroom and very frustrated, and I used this thing and I put it all the way to the very bottom of the toilet. I pull it back up to get everything out of there. And I do this like
three or four times, and nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. And so had we ended up having to call a plumber, wasted the money on that, called the plumber, came out, and we've determined now the plumber was here for like ten minutes and fix the thing right away because he had the professional one. So I could have spent one hundred dollars Danny and gotten it fixed, but I chose to spend twenty, which meant I had to spend another you know whatever it was for the plumber. So that
was that was my plumbing situation. But we've determined a minute long mall of investigation that what has happened here is that we have high end toilet the toilet paper. The one thing I do not go cheap on is toilet paper. I don't I go big on toilet paper. I feel like that's that's something you don't go cheap on. And what we've re term is when people come to have my wife has a lot of parties at the end of the year, and so we have see septic issues here because of the fact that people are not
used to high end toilet paper. It's a bougie item. So we made a decision in the future, when we have people stay at the house, we are going to get commercial grade toilet paper one ply toilet paper, and that is the toilet paper we're going to use for when people come to the house because if you cannot stuff. I think it's called marathon toilet paper. You know, I'm talking about the really cheap.
Toilet paper because you buy the fancy stuff, it's thicker and so, yeah, you just use too much of it.
The Charman ultrasoft I believe is what it's or something like that, and it's it's great, but you don't need to use a lot of it because it's you know, it's really good, right, mego roll and all that and people touch, and we think that's the the issue there. So we're gonna find commercial grade. We'll go to like uh, I don't know, Smart and Final or something like that.
They probably sell it there, and we'll get the cheapest toilet paper that everyone hates, sloppy, the whole thing, and then we'll just.
Borrow something from our studio's bathroom.
Well I could do it. Yeah, we have a horrible toilet paper. It's just freaking horrible. All right, let's get to the actual mail bag. It's I had to tell
my poopy story. But let's say the mail bag. Anonymous rights in, Anonymous rites and says, So Jonas Knox comes in before your show ends, Ben, did you do you talk to him between breaks when he's preparing for the show, and then when your show is over and the other are coming in, like LaVar Arrington, do you talk to those guys before they go on the air or out
of respect? Do you not bother them because you have to prepare for a radio show and you have thoughts in your head and you might understand that if you talk to them, they might find it annoying because they just really want to do their show and all that stuff. What's the etiquette asking for a friend? Yeah, so the guys, I mean, we don't really have anywhere to get ready for the I get there early. I go to the
very back. I go to the old Fox Sports Radio Updates studio, which is empty, and I go in there and I finish up getting ready for the show. But pretty much everyone else shows up at the very last minute, I mean very last minute. And so it's not like Jonas and LeVar are there an hour before the show.
Well, Ben, to be fair, I think that's because Coop gets there so early. He's asleep back in one of the other rooms.
Well, that's true. I'man Coop is the model of preparation, so he's really the personification of dedication. So he's there, but the other people's you know, get there late and all that stuff. So but I do I say hello to Jonas. I've known Jonas for many years. I love Jonas. He's a friend of mine, and so we'll know the quick hello, the small talk. LeVar is a great dude. Talk to LeVar with Penn State in the playoff LaVar. I saw him on TV the other day when I
was watching the Penn State Boise State game. There was a play on the sidelines and LeVar is like a big you know, he's big royalty at Penn State. So he was on the sidelines there and and we were chatting with you know, just small talk, chat with him about whatever's going on and normally nothing to do with sports. I'll say, hey, what's going on with the family or whatever, and then we're done. You know, We'll make some sarcastic radio comments and then we'll move on and that's it.
But there's there's no long, long conversation. I mean, maybe once a year we'll socialize somewhere. There'll be an event we have to go to and we'll socialize, but oh quick, quick, Kello and I just like with Jason, Jason Smith and Mike Harmon. I talked to Harmon more than I talked to Smith, but I.
I see it.
Catch up, how's the kids, how's the wife, that thing or the you know or whatever, and then we're done. So all right. Next up, Mike from Shrewsbury, Mass Writes in on the mail bag. He says, we we got to get you the Central Mass here for a Mallard meet and greet. Longtime listener, all the way back to twenty five, back when Spokekane Gary was around. Yeah, I remember that great Spokane he spoke kan Gary and Pete
and Pittsburgh arrivals, updates with Turk Stevens. You had another two people, one from Philly and a guy with a fake name. Anyway, a longtime huge fan. I'm curious as to why you are so secretive of what town you live in. No big deal, and I understand privacy, but I'm always wondering the whereabouts of the Mallard mansion. Not a stalker, just a curious question. I keep up all the great shows. And then says he wants Eddie to come back and all that, and it's any good vibrations.
So Mike yeah. So here's the deal. I I I know that there's a lot of people on the Internet that are fake tough guys, but over the years, I don't. I don't think I'm abrasive in any way. I think I'm pretty mellow and all that. I just have sports takes. But I've had people send me some threatening things and
previous homes I've lived in. I had somebody got my address at one of the houses I used to live in, and they'd send me things with no return address on them, kind of ominous things, and I know it's it's likely nothing, but just out of what do they say to any out of an abundance of caution, I just I don't toss out where I where I reside. Now, I'm sure if you want to find out where I live, you can find out with the Internet. It's probably not that hard to find out, but you might get it wrong.
I've moved several times in recent years, so you're probably not going to find out exactly where I am. But that's generally that's generally right. I was, I was on a list. Some lunatic was sending weird snail mail to me, and Adam Carolla with me and Adam Carole. It was very odd. I've only met Adam Carolla a few times in my life. I don't really know him. He didn't really know me. You know, we're not friends. But it was very bizarre.
You know what's crazy is when you view the Malord mansion from Google Earth, you have the nicest pool. It's in the shape of dollar.
Signs Da da dalla. That's what I say. That's I said. That's what I said. Come on, Pippin, get your tims on.
You say dollar dollar bill, y'all.
Zach from Columbus right sat in the mailbag, he says, Mary, Christmas happy hanikah blah blah blah. Did you ever tell the story about the horrible thing that happened? Or did I ever tell you the story? Says the horrible thing that happened to me in college involving human excrement and a fridge full of beer. Yes, Sack, I think you did tell us that stor if I remember correctly. A while back, he said he's been busy with all the events. He still listens, but usually weeks later, so Danny, he'll
hear this sometime in like February. Loves the show.
He says, let me know that Super Bowl is gonna be awesome.
He says, let me know if you're if we're still in play to drag your ass to Ah. Yes, Zach, I don't know when, probably the spring, and you have offered your establishment there Zach and Columbus and I actually sent out an email this past week Danny to try to try to figure that out. And one of the scenarios would be to do a live podcast from that bar in Columbus. So we'll see if that that happens, but whether whether I do it or not. Normally on
these mallor meet and greets, I'm not doing that. But if we happen to work it out logistically, maybe we'll do it. But so I will, God willing, I will be there once I start after football season. Usually wait till March or April. And you really don't want to go to Ohio in February or January, so Alf from Realtor dot com writes, and so he says, as beautiful
and magical of a place that Fullerton sounds. Have either of you too gotten as far as scouting future locations to call home and get the hell out of the People's Republic of California, says Alf from the Commonwealth. Danny, have you have you thought about you're getting a little older there done with radio? Where you're gonna end up? Oh?
Me?
You know, I really liked Wyoming and Montana when I went there, oh maybe a decade ago on a little hiking trip. I could potentially see myself pulling a Phil Jackson just going out in Montea.
Yeah, I could see you, like, well, we have the budget in Montana, we could live like the Unibomber, you know, a little shack in Montana right now. God's I've never been. I've never been to Montana. Looks beautiful, though, so it looks amazing.
Really pretty.
Man.
Air is so crisp and so clean that if you're a city boy like us, it hurts your lungs to breathe the oxygen there. That's cool.
Yeah, that's that's pretty neat. I don't know. I do, look, alf sometimes I look at real estate and say, you know, what would this be like? And but you know, my wife loves California, so she's not leaving her job anytime soon,
So you know, I do. I do criick on the real estate websites every once in a while and think like if I bought a little place in New Hampshire right on the ocean there, like near Portsmouth, I could do that right the low taxes, I could kind of handle that, Mike and Fullerton, right, since it is that be New Year, guys. During The Ben Maller Show's extended holiday break, I took Tony in the Bay Area's advice and listened to a couple of show podcasts from early
twenty seventeen. The crew at the time was Eddie Garcia, Justin Cooper, and some guy named Danny g. I've never heard of him before. I really enjoyed your breakdown of the twenty seventeen NBA trade deadline. Anyone who hasn't heard it yet should check that out as soon as possible. Yeah, that's classic. Now, Mike says, I have a couple of questions from that show. You bet Eddie Garcia that Colin Kaepernick would not start five more games in his career,
and Eddie was stupid enough to take it. Did he ever pay off the bet or did he try to weasel out of it? I know, Mike and Fuller and says, I know if things turned out differently, you definitely would have paid off your bet. Rocky Mountain Oysters anyone. That's right, Mike ear high five. And my other question is you were concerned at the time that your male was getting jacked off by someone. Did you ever find the culprint very funny, very very funny?
Yeah?
I remember that bet. But when you make long term bets, Danny on radio, no one actually remembers them.
A good thing for you because you also bet me and Coope that the Lakers and Lebron when they first signed it, that they wouldn't even sniff the NBA playoffs, let alone a final. And you said the Clippers. You said the Clippers would win a championship before the Lakers even got to one.
What's wrong with your Clippers? Hold on buckeroo, hold on buckeroo. Number one, the Lakers did not win a championship with Lebron James wrong and number two the clip Here we go the final four. That's okay. Go Kawhi Leonard, you know right, Kawhi back? Come on?
Oh did you see that? Did you see the recent lawsuit I did?
Yeah?
Yeah, Clippers are dealing with a former Clippers employee spilling the dirt.
It's one of Kawhi's buddies, who was like, wants a big check and good luck. Maybe you know, maybe he'll win.
I don't know.
The way the story was written did not paint him in the in the greatest picture. But yet early on that Kaepernick story twenty seventeen, that was every day, it was a new revelation.
If I had to hear Clay talk about Kaepernick one more time talk, he was great on the radio, But I had to hear Kaepernick talk every single morning, without a doubt, Kaepernick was going to come up in the conversation.
Oh yeah, it was.
It was gold.
There was low hanging fruit, which is the most delicious fruit. And we'd never seen anything like this in modern NFL. And then the people were boycotting the NFL. They were very upset and it was patriotism and stuff, and then you had everything was just Nutso in the mid that mid decade, that from like twenty fifteen the election and twenty sixteen Trump.
Some people predicted that the NFL would fold and go out of business.
Remember, yeah, Mark Cuban, didn't Mark Cuban say the NFL was going to go they were going to kill themselves or whatever. Yeah, yeah, you had. So you had all that in with this span of a couple of years, and then you topped it off. The cherry on top of this was the COVID in twenty twenty, twenty twenty one into twenty twenty two in California. Of course, I still see people. I still see people wearing masks, so I think it's still going on in parts of California.
But anyway, all right, thank you Mike for listening to old podcasts. Do we get credit, Danny? Does the company still say, hey, people are listening to your podcast even if it was eight years old, we still get credit?
I know. That's what sucks is if this was a TV show, you and I would see a payment, even if it was thirty cents or thirty dollars, we'd get something in our mailbox. But when you do radio, as you've talked about before, in one air out the other literally because there are no residuals.
Yeah, it sucks. It sucks. It's like music. You make a song. How many bands, how many musicians, they're nineteen or twenty years old, they do a song, it's a hit, and they're still doing that song when they're fifty and sixties, you know, sixty in their fifties and sixties, they're still doing the same song they did when they were nineteen, and they're making money off it. And you imagine you doing what if?
Like you, I remember you did this really great Lob City monologue one night, and what if For years people called in requests and said, Ben, do your Lob City monologue again.
Oh yeah, I would. I would nail it every time, would get better, it would be better, it would be amazing, and uh yeah, but no, it's a disposable form of entertainment unfortunately. All right, thank you, Mike, Kevin and Ohio. Right, so we're not sure where. It's kind of a big state, he says. Ben and Danny. I wanted to get your thoughts on this new wrinkle in fraud and I did
not say. Did you see the story this week that the the new there's a surge in cryptocurrency fraud led by young Nigerian men, that they've found a way to rip people off with cryptocurrency.
Oh, I thought this was going to be that stupid fast track thing. Have you seen that?
Oh?
I don't know how these pirates are doing it, But when you drive anywhere near those fast track lanes. There's some in Orange County. So when we were going through Orange County to go to the San Diego Zoo, there was an option, you know, to get in those fast track lanes. Didn't get in there, but I did go into like a carpool lane. And then later I get a text saying that I went into the fast track lane and I owed six dollars in ninety nine cents.
Maybe it wasn't a carpool lane. I click on the stupid thing and it goes to the California fast Track page. Whatever I put in my card to pay the six ninety nine, it just spins and spins and it says it couldn't process my card. The very next day, I find out that my card has been flagged by my bank for fraud.
You're an ass hat. It's a fake.
Fast track thing. They have put in your information so they could rip off your info and then they try to add you to their Apple Wallet to use your card.
Uh you know. I Actually it's funny you bring that up, because I had when I was in the Bay Area, we had the option of taking the Bay Bridge, which they had to use. You have to use the like the Northern California fast track thing, or you could go the long way into San Francisco. So we went the long way because I wanted we didn't have the fast track. And I did get a text. Actually, now that you bring it up, I got a text. But I text
my wife. I said did She drove part of the way and I drove most of the way, and I say, I know I didn't go in the carpol in. Did you go in the carpool in? Because I don't. I don't remember you doing that. She said, Oh, no, it's a scam.
Because yeah, there's been reports of this all over the country. Now, first of all, they won't text you. I read that, and if you look closely at it, it's fast track. The tea is missing, so it's fas track. So just be aware of that and hit the report spam button on it.
All right? So were they like, how do they get your number? They're just they're fishing.
That's the part where Brenda was saying, that really creeps me out that they were able to find out that we were going through that area. How do they do that? How do they scan the phone? Is it through Apple Someway?
Yeah? Here it is It says, please pay fast track lane on December thirty first, in order to avoid excessive late fees and potential legal action on the bill, Please pay the fee in time, thank you for your cooperation, and wish you a happy holiday. And then has a load. It has a link. Please reply Yet why then exit the text message and open it again? Blah blah blah blah blah. Uh yep, got that. I got the same thing.
Yeah, see, and I felt so stupid. The reason that I didn't even think twice about it was because, like I said, I knew I had just passed one of those lanes. So that's how they got me.
Well, everyone who drives goes through one of those lanes at one point or another, even if you don't go in the lane you're.
I don't have any of those around where I lived. I just happened to drive past one in Orange County that day. Yeah, how the hell did they know where I was?
Yeah? That's craziness, man, That is uh not so uh. Let's see Mike in Sacramento rites and says Benny and Danny guh, he said, I heard you talk about your trip to northern California on the show. I only mentioned it once, Mike, I didn't mention the whole thing. He says, a self driving Waymo cab, did you take one? And then he sent me a video of a cab smashing into a delivery like robot, like a Wayne. I guess there's a you. It's not YouTube. It's like a TikTok
of Waymo's gone wild. Have you seen this?
I have seen this?
Yeah, yeah, like Waymo's that are that break and keep driving in circles.
Yeah, there's one that drives in the wrong direction.
Yeah, it's pretty wild. No, I did not take a way Moo. I brought my car, I drove my car. I'm I'm good. And I heard they're the same. But my brother in law I was like, oh yeah, they're like he takes them all the time. He's like, well, yeah, they're pretty much the same price as taking Uber. So really want to take an uber? Help a dude out, you know, doing Uber help them out a little bit.
That's why we see things a little bit different because so many truck drivers and paper boys and remember those things called newspapers.
Yeah, God bless truly the paper boys, security guards.
And truck drivers we support because we appreciate all of those men and women that do those jobs, because there are a lot of our listeners.
Yeah for sure. I mean when I started the Overnight Show, most of our live listeners were delivering the newspaper. Now it's like maybe three percent, But at one point it was like sixty percent of the people were delivering the newspaper. They were going to get the papers, they had to wrap them, the whole thing. And now it's hardly anybody. Now it's mostly uber truck drivers, people working in bakeries, factories.
Those are normally the people. Good guys, I said, good guys in bads, got cops and bad guys who are out coming to crime and all that. So they're hey, listen. So anyway, I think that's so. Now we have some other ones, but I think we're good on that. We gotta get ready for football, Danny. It's the last time when the entire playoff bracket will be set. By the end of the day today everything will be locked up and then tonight our grand body of them all mina
Sota in Detroit for all the marbles. The number on the NFC it is.
Who did you take in that game on Benny versus the penny I actually.
Took, believe it or not, the Minnesota Vikings took the bikes.
Okay, So as.
The number one seat in the entire NFC, do.
You know on our prediction sheet inside the studio, we all fill it out before the season begins. I picked the Vikings to make the playoffs as my out on a limb.
Well, you're guaranteed of that appen.
Do you think when they give Sam Darnold big pay day, do you think JJ McCarthy will be available to quarterback needy teams?
Yeah, if you're gonna pay Donald, why not. It's not like mccow old's. McCarthy ain't McCarthy's. He's not a young lad. He was at Michigan for several years. I think, yeah, why not trade him to somewhere like Seattle or there's a bunch of teams Tennessee that they need a quarterback and Donald's young enough if you believe in him. I skeptical. I just in my head, Donald's gonna go out there and ride the vomitcommet in the playoffs and then it'll
be like, well should we should we pay him? And uh uh?
Do you think Lamar is gonna fold in the playoffs again.
Yeah, he has not had any success in the plus, why would this year be any different? He hasn't. Now they could win in spite of him, like because Henry and the defense played better.
But yeah, by the way, McCarthy's not that old. He's twenty one.
Oh I thought he was a little than that. But Donald's is late twenties.
Twenty yeah, Donald's twenty seven.
And all right, we will be back next weekend with all new podcasts. If you want to recommend something, when you want to send a message in for the email bag, it's Real fifth Hour at gmail dot com. Real fifth Hour at gmail dot com. If you would like to be part of the mail bag, if you want to recommend something either for the Terrestrial show or this show, or you want to recommend a guest, we don't do really do guests, but people we can hang out with.
You can do that as well, same email address, the whole thing.
So I'd like Brian Billick to be on the podcast.
Brian Billich, Brian Billick, what we need Brian Brian Billick. All right, Dann, you have any wonderful day, enjoy the football, and I'll be back on the live Radio tonight tonight, back at it Sunday night into Monday, eleven o'clock in the West and two am in the East, all night long and we'll talk to you man.
Have a booty full week later, Skater, I heard that Danny.
Brian Billy I'm not available, so please a message.
I got a murder. I gotta go.