The Fifth Hour: Doctor and Warden

Maller and Danny g Radio. Because four hours a night during the week or not enough. Of course, Danny has his own show that he works on their The Coveno and Rich Show during the week. For him, no, you should have the Nervous Heart. Eight day is a week. This a spinoff of the Overnight Show, The Ben Malla Shall we thank you for supporting the program. Podcast numbers have been great, even during football season, all the distractions that we have Danny and we're back at it again

here on this Saturday. After a interesting Benny versus The Penny on Friday, The Penny under the Weather, Dude, Penny and me both sick cannot play with them you know, we had a severe weather change here in southern California. We went from eighties six degrees and hot two fifty degrees and rainy, which for southern California, when it gets to fifty we put three layers of clothes on and freak out. Can't do it. You pull out the heating

blankets and all that. Yeah, And the other thing is people start passing little flu like symptoms around in colds. As many vitamins as I pump into my body every day pre COVID, I would take a lot of vitamins. My body has been fighting something off the past couple of days. Got you all right, Well, we we commend you for being here. So you are putting your head down, and I am the MJ of the Fifth Hour. This is your food poisoning game. Is that with the Kobe

Food Poisoning Game or whatever? Alright, so on on this edition to the fifth Hour, we've got flawed diamonds, garlic or bust canine, slammer and back scratcher. Back scratcher. So I will hold your hand. I'm gonna walk you through this, and we're gonna make this as enjoyable as possible. Not normally on Saturday. What we do here is the life of Mallard, the life of Danny G. We take you behind the microphone, behind the headsets, and what an exciting

life we live. Big time radio people, network radio stars, living the dream and we we just have amazing lives, Danny. I mean, we're famous. Everywhere we go. People want our autographs, they give us free stuff, unless that doesn't actually happen, but you know we're here, we're living the dream. So, but some exciting news this week. You heard a little glimpse of it on the radio show, The Terrestrial Radio Show. I'm not sure if you were listening paying close attention,

maybe you missed it. We do a lot of content every night. Sometimes things fall through the cracks and you miss stuff. So this is an opportunity to look back and give some new information. And if you if you don't know where I'm going with this, and maybe you don't, your wheels are turning, You're like, what's going on here? Uh? So? Yours truly has been quoted in a book. A published piece of literature has included me say what who goo? Yeah? I know who goes book? How dare you, Danny? How

dare I you? Know that I am a respected member of the community unless I'm not. But I want to thank listener Harvey from New York. You probably heard Harvey's called, but maybe not. Harvey has been a big fan of the show. He just he's never called the show before. But Harvey called into the program to spill the tea if you will. Harvey has spent a lifetime as a teacher, working at his schools around New York. The world of academia. He is semi retired now and he has turned to

writing books. And it turns out that our friend Harvey is an undercover member of the Mallard Militia. Talk about broadening your horizons. Yeah, so there's many reasons for that. We won't get into it here. He's a bit of insomniac, otherwise you wouldn't be listening. He lives on the East Coast. Harvey found our show when he was in Florida. He spent part of the year in Florida, like all true New Yorkers. Uh, and so we found our show and he continued to listen, got back to New York, kept

listening and whatnot. And so to get to the point, he's the other day in the mail room, which we don't really have a mill room. We have like the pony expressed, Danny. It's just they it's an odd setup. Ever since they moved out of the building they were in the floor they were in, they just kind of throw the mail down on the table. Who's who thought that was a good idea? By the way, did anyone say that's a good idea, Danny? Did anyone sent out

a memo saying that's that's good. Here, that's a good circle. We'll just throw the tables of circle. So we just strow the mail down. You know, I get there late, so I'm sure the mail comes out in the morning or the early afternoon. By the time I get there, it's all picked through and all that stuff. But it is a federal crime to steal milk anyway, get to the point. So the point is the other day I got a package in the mail, postmark from New York. I saw the name on it, and I was like,

all right, we'll get around opening this. And I took the package back to the home studio and I opened it up, got the scissors out, opened the package up and there was a baseball book. So I was ill, you know, that's very nice, I said. I was like, did the publisher send this? What's this all? I don't remember asking for a baseball book. And then Harvey, the listener and the author of the book, he wrote a

very nice note inside the book. He's explained that he had been a fan of the show for a while and and he included me in the book and he wanted me to you know, he told me what pages I'm on, and I'm on a few pages of the book and all that was very nice note about how much was he enjoys the show, and he mentioned he was a fan and all that, and so that was really cool. And he wanted me to have a copy of the book because I was in the book, and so I was very excited. I flipped the pages too.

I think it was page to thirty eight or something like that, and I see the musings of things I had said late at night, at three thirty in the morning about the Stros and jose Al Boo Bay and all those other schmucks, and there it was written in this big and this is like one of those kind of books, Danny, that you put on a coffee table or something like that. It's a big, big, book. I saw your mail on the circle table. Yeah, you saw how big a book that is. And so I want

to thank Harvey and that is some p one dedication. Now, one of my goals here, and this is one of the Bucketts things, is to get get this done here, to have my name in a book. I also like to write a book. Someday maybe that will happen. That'd be kind of cool to be part of a project where you write the book, which is actually have somebody else write the book, but then you just tell them what the right and then the other thing would be

pretty pretty cool, pretty neat. Would be uh like to dabble in some TV stuff again, think that would be kind of cool. But you know what would be even even cooler. And I don't even know if they do

this anymore in the movies. You know when they do those transition scenes, Danny and they back in the old days, they would transition and they'd show like somebody in bed in their apartment, and then to kind of set the scene on what the date is and what the time is, they'd have a radio and they'd have like a morning show or something or an evening show. Explain, here's the time and the weather, and you know, they give the date or something like that, like the classic movie groundhog Day.

The same radio announcer. Yeah, my radio friend from Boston, Jerry Callahan, who does a podcast. We've had him on here. Jerry worked at w e I for years. But Jerry, he and the guy that he was working with at the time, some some fans of the show, of their show worked in Hollywood and they got to be in a motion picture as the clock radio guys. And I was like, that's pretty cool. You know, I'd like to do that something. But this is very nice of Harvey.

Get back to the story. Please, get back to the point. So Harvey wrote this book and it's got the Mallard Sali approve. I haven't read the whole thing. It's a massive book, but I want to thank Harvey. It's he said it was a labor of love. He said he spent fourteen years painting different parts of this book book. I know Robbie the Mariner fan, Robbie the Mariner fan and some other people have been messaging me and emailing me saying, hey, I want to buy the book. How

can I help out? I want to help so I'll explain right now. You're probably gonna have to go back and play this on the podcast a couple of times. But the book is available on Amazon the name of the book, and I get no money from this. I have no skin in the game other than my name is in the book. So I'm not telling you to

support the show. You gotta buy this. But Harvey is a fan of the show, and it'd be great to show him some love and prove to him how many people there are the silent majority in the Mallard militia. So the book name is Baseball's Bastards, Flawed Diamonds of our National Pastime. All right, so let me repeat that. Now. Remember there was a documentary made a couple of years ago about baseball Bastards or something like that. This is not that. This is a different thing. This is a book.

It's called Baseball's Bastards, Flawed Diamonds of our National Pastime. And this is this book is about those I'm do

it right off Amazon here. This book is about those who have bastardized the game, violators of baseball's integrity right in our wheelhouse here, right in my wheelhouse, Danny uh says Pete Rose shoelas Joe Jackson, racist and bigots, Dixie Walker, John Rocker, Ben chapman enis slaughter the cheaters uh, and he says gay Lord Perry signs Steelers such as the Houston Astros, the nineteen fifty one New York Giants, and

steroid users, the bad Sportsman. And it goes through a Rod and Joe Torrey and Roberto Alamar, violent players, Ducky Medwick and Ty Cobb, Billy Martin, the owners like George Steinbrenner and Charlie o' finley, and some of the great characters here talks about off the field bastards and Scott Boris has mentioned fans, fans that have interfered with baseball, Jeffrey Mayor, Steve Bartman. It mentions umpires, and he goes

from everything. This guy spent fourteen years writing his book, So if you're a baseball person, I mean this guy. And he's very thorough in the way he went through this as you can imagine, spending over a decade. So thank you, Harvey. I'm honored that I'm I'm in the book, and i my part. One of the parts in the book there is I'm talking about the Astros. So how appropriate, Danny that I would be written about in a book

talking about jose Albouve and the ass Stros. Immediately I thought it must be quotes of you just seeing the Astros, which I love. And I also have a John Rocker story that I don't know if I've told the Rocker story on the podcast or recently on the podcast, but years ago, when John Rocker was an unknown picture for the Atlanta Braves. I was covering the Dodgers at the time, and I'm a young guy. I'm a single guy. I'm out there all the time. I know everyone at Dodgers Stay.

I know everyone's name, they all know me, and I'm out there doing my thing at Dodgers datum. This guy who I knew was like all time agent. He was like an assistant to another agent. And this guy would become a friend of mine, and it was like it was like a Friday night, Dodgers are playing the Braves and the guy's like, hey, yeah, why don't you come out.

I'm gonna take some of the guys in the Braves out that are our clients, and We're gonna go out and have some drinks and go out and hit the hit the scene in Hollywood, and he's like, yeah, we'd love to have you join us and you can hang out. And he mentioned there were a couple of guys in the braves, but one of the guys that was gonna go was John rock I said, I couldn't go because I had to get up early. I had a morning

show on Saturday that I had to do. I was doing like a seven to ten am morning show and the game was late, and these guys, you know, Danny, professional athletes do not go back to the hotel room at midnight. They're out until, you know, five, six, seven in the morning. And I'm like, I can't. I can't do it. So I was like I can't. You know, I wish I could, But at the time I didn't even think about it because I was like, I don't know who that guy is. He was a nold body.

And then a couple of months later, this story came out in Sports Illustrated where John Rocker just totally ripped the ship out of New York and Mets fans and said all this like inflammatory crap about the seven train from Shay Stadium oras on the subway. Yeah, it was like talking he was attacking gay people and foreigners and all this. It was like wild and and it was it was nuts. So and then it's like I flashed back.

You ever had that, you have that epiphany, like, wait a minute, that's the guy that I you know, I didn't really know him, but I could have gone and hung out with him, been partying with him or whatever, and I didn't do it. And the funny the other funny part about that story, and may he rest in peace, Bobby Bowden. But we had Bobby Bowden, who at the time was a big freaking deal for Florida State for

the seminars. So we had Bowden on the radio and at this time Danny, but there was no Twitter, there was no social media. We had a sports wire. That's how we got the story. And the story came across the sports wire that you know, bulletin bulletin sports illustrated story.

Jeff Perlman, I think was the guy's name, and he wrote the story about John Rocker and all these quotes, and the Braves of course issued a statement and it was like a big deal at the time, but it wasn't as big a deal as it would have been

now because there was no roller coaster of social media. Anyway, we had Bobby Bowden on and our boss is like, well, you know, he always said, whatever is going on in sports, just ask your guests, um, and so we asked Bobby Bowden what he thought of John Rocker's quotes, and Bowden in this thick Southern accent, we we read all the quotes from Rocker. And remember this is the nineties. It was like probably nineties seven something like that. I don't know,

maybe but a long time ago. And Bowden starts cracking up. He said that Boys in Trouble was it was larryous. It was. It was so funny. But but anyway, there it is so thank you our Fred Harvey. There flawed diamonds. If you have a diamond, you probably should just get some garlic. Danny's what you should do. Right. Yeah. By the way, I just found his book on Amazon right now. Uh, it looks like a picture holding two baseballs. They're on the front. Very cool. We're all gonna have to order

a copy of that book. Ben. And when I see your name, I'm gonna get my highlighter out, walk around and tell people I know this guy. Well, of course you would if you want an autograph for a nominal fee, you can go on my only Fans account. Maybe I will sign an autograph for you, but yeah, I will only charge you five dollars exactly. I'll give you my moonshine recipe and how to make the perfect garlic pie. That's what I'll do amazing, you know, Ben, I'm probably

gonna go get some garlic today. And this is a drastic measure because I like the flavor of garlic, but I do not like the texture. I've never put a cloth in my mouth the way you have. I've seen you do it. I remember a few years back you shoving one in your mouth live in the studio during a commercial break and all of us grossed out, like nasty. You swear by it. But look, it's crunch time, Ben. You know that next week, in the middle of the week, I leave for Hawaii. This is a big time And

and congratulations, Danny. We're gonna miss you on the podcast for a few weeks. But I'm so happy for you, and I think this is this is great. We gotta get you healthy, though you don't want to be be sick. Everyone you're traveling party gets sick and you don't want your your your bride to be to be sick. That would be a nightmare. So you gotta do the garlic.

You're gonna do it. I'm contemplating it yesterday. I was thinking to myself, I like, man, it's a drastic measure, but maybe I should go to the store get a guard. It's a garlic clove. Is that that's what it is. I've but you get ahead of garlic. But let me let me explain. Now there's a couple of ways to do this. Okay, this is the Mallard guard therapy. Now I should point out as disclaimer, I am not a doctor. I'm a doctor. I heard this from an old radio friend and old DJ years ago, and I have done

it now. It's mainly what I did for laryngitis, but it also works for the flu. And the coal garlic is like it's nature's antibiotic, is what it is. It's it's insane, the powers of garlic. And back in the old country they would use garlic his medicine and it was gets sick, you take garlic or whatever. So there's two ways to do it. Now, if you have a sore, do you have a sore throat or your symptoms. No sore throat, so just a headache and a stuff he knows, alright,

So what I would do. You're probably gonna the one raw garlic clove. Now this is no joke, Danny, okay. And and the way, if you really want to attack this thing, and I don't know that you'll be able to pull it off, because it's even tough for me. And I like garlic a lot, and I don't mind it and all that, but the burning sensation is insane. It's it's like they taste like Bernie. Yeah, it's really terrible. So like that time I went to the doctor first shot,

Yeah exactly. But so you take one or two clothes of garlic whatever you can handle there on an empty stomach, so you don't want to have a full stomach here. You will feel like you are about to go to Dante's inferno. Uh. It is going to be unbelievably horrible for roughly ten minutes of your life. But that garlic, once it gets into your ally, will attack the illness and within within like two days, and probably even sooner

than that, you'll start feeling much much much better. And now there's some people that will eat a little bit of garlic every few hours, but I I don't go that direction, usually on an empty stomach. I'm a faster anyway, and I'll eat a clove or two, usually one clove, and then let the garlic work. It's magic. Now, when I have laryngitis or my voice is going out a little bit, I'll use I'll use garlic as like a Jolly Roger. You could try that. That might work because

you're getting the garlic juices. I usually do that right before bed, and then I let that work as I'm sleeping and all that, and then it in theory, it attacks the pungent powers of garlic, attack the infection wall while you sleep, and hopefully you're you're as soon to be wife there does not mind the smell of intense garlic you get away from me. And the the other problem with that, if you suck on the garlic like

it's a Jolly Roger candy, your gums will get burned. Danny, Maybe you can suck on it and that'll make it better. Oh boy. Yeah, somehow, for some reason, I feel like I'm taking medical advice from Doc Mike right now. Well that's well, yeah, I'm an overnight radio guy on a podcast give me advice. I'm just saying it's worked for me. Don't You should never take medical advice from someone on the radio who's not a doctor and all that stuff. But if you're if you're desperate, desperate times, call for

desperate measures. You're not gonna die from this or unless you choke on the garlic. Uh so, just be careful and uh, you know, they've they've found studies have found that the garlic does act as a natural antibiotic against against illness. I'm going to decapitate a goat. You know, good luck. I'll give you an update. I'll tell you how it works next week. Getting on the Big Bird. Huh, that's cool. Hawaii is I think there's two hours behind California time now, I believe. I think so. I believe

so after the time change. Yeah, And it was eighty degrees there yesterday. That's awesome. Yeah, I think it's pretty much eighty degrees every day there, I think, right, I mean, I don't, I don't know. I mean every time I've been there, like I go to Kawaii, I've been in a few years. But we actually had looked at the extended forecast. It showed the first few days that we would be there raining non stop. Good luck man with that.

And you gotta get up early, to Danny, to enjoy Hawaii, right, you gotta get up early because they that place shuts down after dark. It's there's nothing going on there. Now Honolulu, there is stuff going on. There is a very unglamorous part of the whole of Honolulu where there's a lot of a lot of drugs and prostitute shian and it's pretty crazy over there. But anyway, that's that's where I'm going to honeymoon take away. We're getting married, and that

we're going to see the drugs horse. That's what we're doing right now here we go a bunch of hookers, all right. Next up we have the Canine Slammer. So an interesting week. As you referenced Danny earlier in the podcast. In southern California, we have a little rain, not normal weather they made they made movies in the past. I said, it never rains in l A, right, that was it was it. Steve Martin r it never rains in l A and all that famous Tony Tony Tony song, It

never rains in southern California. There you go, and the rain is supposed to be a good thing. Although I believe we get our water from northern California, so it never needs to really rain in Southern California. It just needs to rain in northern California because we take our water from the people in northern California. But anyway, uh, you know, rain whatever, not the end of the world. Traffic snarls. People don't know how to drive, uh, And

boy did I experienced that. For example, I was driving into the hallowed hallways of Fox Sports Radio where legends like Andrew Siciliano and Rich Herrero used to work. And it was an obstacle. Course, It's like a slipping slide on the highway. They're that one oh one freeway in Hollywood, not designed for the rain. They're not not good at all. But I was able to navigate the highways and the byways there get to the north Woods from Sherman Oaks and and back. And but there were problems on the

homestead are beloved. Bella decided to turn the Mallard Mansion into a gigantic I'm exaggerating here, ship house. She turned it into her own personal honey truck. Uh, some kind of odd science glitch. Danny as Bella, who is a You've you've just met Bella a few times, you've seen her over the years. She's she's got a lot of fur, but she's pretty small, right. Her superpower is that she has the ships, she has the ability to ship and pissed pretty consistently for hours at a time. M h

m hm. And I'm not a hand to God, I'm not I'm not lying here. It's fascinating. And after a week of constant poop in the air everywhere, my wife reached critical mass. And so you know, everyone's got their their breaking point, their waterloo moment and where you just can't take it. It's like I I can't take it, so no more like pop bye the sailor man back in the day. So it turns out that that moment was reached in a fury of urine and feces. What

a week, What a week? So the moment of truth here where we crossed the rubicon a Bella had pissed one too many times then because of the rain, one too many times. So my wife was cleaning out the yellow spray of urine that has that had and all over one of the the upstairs of the house, and our dear old dog decided that while my wife was cleaning up the urine, she thought that was a good time to piss again right next to where she was cleaning up. So, now, mind you, Danny, I don't know

anything about this. Like I'm out, I'm running an errand I'm I'm doing my thing. I get a call or text actually from from my wife. She says, Hey, just to give your heads up on this. When you come back, Bella is gonna be in the in the cage and the Who's gal She's going to the Google and uh awarden was locking up your kid. Yeah, we had a show trial. We had a show trial. Bella was convicted on all charges. She was sentenced to one full day

in the Canine Slammer. And I'm told you she did not enjoy her time in the in the Gray Bar hotel there and but she she was the opposite of a model prisoner, Danny. She she barked and and powdered and moped pretty much the whole time, pretty much the whole time. Turns out she's got a very weak bark. But to her credit, she thought she was ferocious sounding.

She thought she was like the king of the jungle, and she thought she can intimidate human beings to let her out of the canine Slammer best laid plans of mice, man and shit sus So it didn't work. So now we are considering drastic measures, Danny, drastic measures. That's why you have a shotgun on the table there. Well, that's we named the shotgun the bella Killer. No. Uh so, my wife, she looked up on the internet. She's now considering one of two options. We're gonna possibly go to

a veterinarian. There's allegedly this pill that you can give old dogs and will help them control their bladder. Yeah, we'll see if that actually is the thing. I'm I'm skeptical. It sounds like bullshit to me. The other thing sounds like bullshit too, is my My wife found these doggie diapers that you can get and uh yeah, that's doesn't that sound kind of crazy to put a diaper on a dog, you know, you really need doggie depends or something like that. But we don't know what else to do.

If anybody has any suggestions that you can contact me real fifth hour at Ben Maller dot com or Ben Maller Show. What I get about the wrong email is Real fifth Hour at gmail dot com. The Real fifth Hour at gmail dot com. Spell it all out, yeah, no, no numbers in that and then also Ben Mallers Show at Gmail if you want to send that in. So it turns out, you know, you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but an old dog can forget tricks like how to be potty trained. So there is there

is that, There is that little nugget for you. And I know, I mean, she's so swee many years how many years old? Well, we've had her for probably seven or eight, but we got her and she was already around for probably that long. So she's probably closing in on fifteen, I would say, which in dog years is pretty She's a small dog, so I she's got a long time left. But you never know, You never know, all right. The back scratcher, the backscratcher. You scratch our back,

We scratch your back. It is our weekly tip of the on air light to you, the loyal P one supporter of the Fifth Hour podcast with me and Danny g And these are actual reews. We don't make these up. We don't pull these out of thin air. These are actual reaws. If we get no reviews, we don't read any reviews. Sometimes we get a bunch, sometimes we get none. Sometimes we it only a one or two. You never know. It's like a box of chocolate. You never know what

you're gonna get. As Tom Hanks said in that famous Force line back in the day. And if you would like to review this podcast, that would help us out. It's absolutely free. It's an active kindness. It's absolutely free, Danny. You have put it right in the description box on this podcast. It's very simple, very simple, just a couple of clicks. You you write a few things. You don't even really have to write anything, but it's nice if you do. And you can give us five stars right there,

very simple. Click on the description link says rate reviews, subscribe. You click right there, scroll down a little bit. You see the big overall rating for the podcast. Underneath that it says write a review. Click on that and it will sign you up with a user name. And this week we spin the wheel, the wheel of podcast reviews, the backscratcher segment. Do we have five reviews? Do we have no reviews? Or one review? Do do I've none? Or do do do do I've none? Or one? One review?

And Danny g you should feel honored because that is the right answer. Congratulations. You know when come on down, Danny J Wait, do I get a free head of garlic? Yes? Yes, you you get not of that. You get to go to the home of garlic in central or northern California where they used to have the garlic Festival back in the day. They're Gilroy Beautiful. Gil Roight smells like garlic. When you go to Gilroy. They've got stores that sell garlic. It's a beautiful thing. If you love garlic, that's the

place to go. Should be on your bucket list. Gilroy, California. I used to go every year. I don't think they have the Garlic Festival anymore, do they because they had that shooting years ago and then COVID. I don't know. Yeah, I think you're right they paused it because of the shooting and because of COVID. But my mom took me there when I was a little kid. It's the first time I had ever eaten garlic pizza. I love garlic, said garlic ice cream. There an even garlic you name

it garlic pancakes. Yeah, they put garlic and everything's awesome. The only problem with that is it's always like the hottest part of the year in Gilroy, late July August, and it's steaming hot and it's it's brutal alright. But as far as the backscratch of the review, here, this is from Mike in p B which I think means specific beach because he says, a great show from Baha of the Canadian rockies. The podcast echoes through the airwaves.

So that is from Mike, and that's a great hack Saw reference the guy that I interned four back in the day that taught me about radio, the Grand Puba of San Diego Radio, Lee hack Saw. Hamilton's so so very cool, very cool. So thank you, Mike, and we'd love to get more than one review next week. That would be awesome. And I'll be here. I know Danny wait till you hear who's in for Danny g oh Man. I'm not gonna I'm not gonna reveal it. I'm not

gonna reveal its rise, big big name massively. The boss emailed me and he said, I need your approval on your filling and you signed off on this, which is very big because a lot of people in radio get get nervous when somebody fills in for them. They don't want to get wally pipped. They don't want to get Tom Brady uh. And you were very welcoming and very kind of you to do that. I don't know how we got this guy costs a lot of money, big gun uh and then throwing his weight around and all that.

But we have a we have another podcast on Sunday at the mail back. Then we're not even done the weekends. Get to tomorrow. We got another one of these things. Let's go alright, have a great rest of your Saturday or whenever you end up actually downloading and listening to this podcast. You think about a podcast, you listen to whatever you want. You don't have to listen today on Saturday. You can listen on Sunday or Monday, or Tuesday or Wednesday,

I don't care. Listen whenever. And well, we'll talk to you next time. Have a great rest of your day later. Skater Bopolation