The Fifth Hour: Criminal Boxes

bid ado to the year two. Danny G and I could sit here and reminisce about what we're gonna remember from the year, but that would be generic, boring sports Stark Radio. I don't know that we want to do that. All I will say is that I'm very happy that things got somewhat back to normal in the year two, because totally fucked up. It's good to see society getting back to normal. I was very happy about that, and hopefully that will continue for the rest of our lives.

That's my my deep thought of the show. As you celebrate new beginnings in I slipped back to Yes, you fell back in the way back Machine. We will get to that. We've got the joy Meter, paying your Dudes, joining the Club and Criminal Underworld, plus pop goes the Culture and we have Backscratcher as well. So a lot to get to buckle up. I'm ready to bring the

gas spicy hot. Addition of the Fifth Hour with Ben Maller and Danny ge and so are Lee eat my lead anyway on this podcast comes from the season of giving. Oh what a fun season it has been here. We had our family holiday gathering, the Mallard family, mostly my wife's family, but we had a big holiday gathering last weekend, a big events and family from near and nearer and a few people from far stopped by the Mallard mansion. And it's pretty much the same setup as the Ugly

Sweater party, except it's not an ugly sweater party. It's a shin dig to celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah and all that. So we had a massive spread of food and I was tasked with picking up the food. I was the messenger boy that had to pick up the food. My wife had ordered some chicken strips for the party, so I arrived at the Raising Canes location. They closed early on Christmas Eves. So I got there. They said to pick up the chicken fifteen, you know, fifteen minutes or

so before they closed. So I got there when I was supposed to. They closed at three o'clock, so I had to get there like two forty five. So I showed up right around where I needed to be there actually got there little early, so I played on my phone for like five minutes in the parking lot until I needed to go in. So I walked in and I told the person I'm here to pick up a bunch of chicken strips. And I said, well, what's the name? And I gave my name and I said, that's it's

my name. So they went back and they're running around this The guy's talking to some other people on the back there and they're going back and forth, and then they come back and and they're like, we we don't have that order. And I said, how can you not have the order? I mean, my wife ordered the food.

That means you got to have the orders she's and and so then the manager come Now we're at the stage where the manager comes over and is explaining that they don't have the order the food that that that we need and so then so then I get on the phone with my my wife. I'm like, well i'm here. They say they didn't you didn't order it. You must not have ordered it, and it must be a milestay. She said, no, I ordered it. I talked to somebody on the phone. So now, okay, I'll talk. So then

I tell the manager at the raising cans. I'm like, listen, I mean, my wife swears she talked to somebody on the phone. She said, whoa, it's a phone order. She says, that's totally different. That's a totally different thing. And this woman is like explaining to me that they have two completely different systems. They have the online order and then the phone order, and they these things do not cross. Not in my head. Damn, I don't give a ship, you know. I just want the food. I gotta get

out of here. I don't get I don't get anyway. Uh paid for the food. I mean the woman thought I was speaking speaking cling on when I went in there and asked for the chicken. And uh. Anyway, Eventually everything worked out, so figured out at the fifty ninth minute, fifty ninths second before the clock struck midnight and the party. We are gonna have no food at the party. So I went back to the Mallard mansion for the parte.

And this is what this is where I need your help, not only you, Danny, but I need you listening to this to help me because I believe I'm on the right side of history and not the wrong side of history. But I'm not sure. So let me explain the situation here, and you are your judge, Danny g and you make the call on this. So at the holiday parties, some people brought some gifts and that caused some controversy. Oh boy, so I need to get your help on this. Now.

My my sister in law and brother in law gave us, me and my wife what was described as a couple's gift, a couple's gift, the gift we could both enjoy. They gave you a massage. Not quite so they presented a giant box. Now they explained prior to this that they the gift they were giving, they were re gifting that they they had gotten it that my brother in law had got and he works in television, and it was

a gift that they gave the crew. And but they thought it would be perfect for us as a couple's gifts. So giant box and my wife opens it up and I kind of opened it on. My wife really opened and and it was a very nice gift that was in the box. It was very watching the box. It turns out it was it was a real gift, as we said, but it, uh, it was very nice. I gave a thank you. I said, this is a wonderful gift.

I appreciate that very much. Inside was an espresso maker. Okay, uh, so it was very nice and and that was that, and I said thank you, and I moved on. My wife. I don't want to say she was upset, but she was mildly annoyed, Danny at She felt I should have been more appreciative of the gift, that I was not, that I did not show the proper amount of love for the gift. She was unhappy with my My joy meter needed to be closer to at ten and I was at like a four and she needed at a ten.

So let me make my case here and I will present my case and then I will rest, and then I will allow the judge and you, Danny, to determine, and you the listener. If you want an email, me and tell me what you think about this. So ay, it was presented as a gift for both me and the wife, a gift we would both enjoy. The problem is, I don't drink coffee. This is a coffee maker. My wife drinks coffee. I don't drink coffee, and I'm happy for her that she has a coffee It's a very

nice machine. Is a several dar but I will have zero use for this, right I be I. It's not like I was a total douche. I was polite. I said thank you, that's great. I just didn't bend over backwards. And and so that was the second ware. And then then the final thing parts sea this to me, and it's pretty open. I've been very It's the one thing I can talk about at parties is it's the real odd thing about me is I don't drink coffee. And I do an overnight radio show and I don't drink coffee,

and people are blown away by that. So it's a great conversation starter. Everyone in the room knew about it, that I don't drink coffee. It would be equivalent of giving someone giving me a coffee maker would be akin to giving someone in my family who's a vegan a subscription to Omaha Steaks, Right, it would be the same. They get the same use out of it. You know. It's like or if I said, in one couple, you know, a couple of one of them eats me, the other

one doesn't. I said, this is a great couple's gift. You guys are gonna enjoy this so much. Here's a subscription to stakes. Every month you'll get a different cind of meat that will be delivered to your front door. So that's my that's my argument, Danny G. How do you see it? Let me ask a couple of questions. First, all right, your wife e does she start her day kind of grumpy before she gets her coffee? Well, she claims that she's not a human being until she's had

a cup of cough. That's all right, because I've heard that before too. Like you, there's plenty of women who say that, like, oh my god, don't speak to me until I've had my coffee. And it's a meme. It's a joke, but women say it half jokingly because they really mean it. In that case, it is kind of a couple's gift because if your girl not your woman in particular, but just women in general. If it allows us to not have to have a bitchy significant other,

then it kind of is a couple's gift. I mean, I'm not liking what I'm hearing here, Danny, and I gotta tell you I'm not. I don't. I don't think you're a good judge. But you know, men are supposed to stay together here, Danny, But no, here's my wife has successfully been able to navigate the coffee this entire time. She's found a way to get the coffee, and she's lived fine, and she figures it out and and all that, and so it's not like this is something where she

hasn't been able to get coffee. It's not like we're in the Sahara desert water and we're getting water now. It's not that. Okay, one last quick question. I know a lot of guys listening to this right now have gone through this same thing. If you were to look at a bank statement for the month, are there a lot of coffee charges? Oh? God, yes, I think that the reason Starbucks stock is as high as it is

is because of my wife. Absolutely, no question, no question about women, especially when they go run errands and go shopping. There's something about I gotta go through the Starbucks drive through first, and then it's like they can't function and run errands unless they have a big Starbucks in their hand. This is correct. However, I will play devil's advocate. I will point out that this will while it will limit

the Starbucks, it will not end the Starbucks. That still, when out and about, when appropriate, there will be runs to the Starbucks on the Starbucks app on her phone, she will be ordering said Starbucks. So it's now now. I would agree with you if this cut out all Starbucks, that this is the this machine is like a gift from the gods and no more Starbucks. But that's not

going to be the case. No. I feel like on the thank you and appreciative Ben Mallory scale of one to ten, you out of five or six would have been fine. Your wife should have been the one out an eight bending over backwards to thank them. You could have been the robin to her batman for that gift. All right, Well, I stand by my position, and as someone that is not part of the colt that drinks coffee, I felt greatly. I don't say I was offended the gift. Shoot,

here's my position. The gift should have been presented as a gift for her. Yeah. I would have been fine with it. But when you told me you're giving me a gift, I'm thinking, well, this is exciting, this is something I can you know. And I open it up and it's like a lump of coal for me. I'm like, what the hell you know? Anyway, all right, I'm married. My wife wants to dress up. She um moving on from that. Hey, your dudes, we'd like to welcome Danny

g Yeah, it's your bar mitzvah. Here, it's your sweet sixteen. You've become Uh, you've become one of us, Danny, You've crossed over the rubicon. Congratulations, I dodged COVID. We were on the third year of it. Yeah, right, when did you? Did you know how you got it? Were you at some event where somebody had it? Or you have no idea? I have no idea. I mean I use about ten gobs of hand sanitizer every fifteen minutes, and uh I at work, I wiped down the producers station with tons

of Clorox wipes. In fact, I get some snide remarks from are you going to use that whole thing a Clarox wipes and I'm like, yep, I am your filthy animals. So Jonas Knox and I were the two that would always wipe the workstation down. This was pre COVID. Not as bad as uh, your boy, what's the famous host who doesn't shake people's hands, how a ding ding? Ben? Just congratulations, Um, you know, not as bad as Howie Mandel, but definitely. You know, some of us grew up with

parents or a parent who was psycho about germs. That's my mom. My mom carried hand sanitizer before it was a thing. She always had white. She always made us wash our hands a hundred times a day. My mom was super psycho still is. So just for some background, I haven't been careless with any of it, and I feel like that's why I dodged it all these years. So I'm thinking, Ben, that it was dirty Las Vegas.

I'm thinking for Southwest in particular, was the culprit Well, you're fortunate that you you flew Southwest prior to the last week. I caught one of the last Southwest flights that actually flew well Southwest recover from this that I don't know but you're you're gonna recover from COVID before Southwest Airlines recovers from what the last last week has been for that airline. Geez, Louise, for sure, I'm almost better. You're you're you're almost over it though, right If you

sound pretty good, you sound good. The reason I took one of the tests that you and I got at the Super Bowl in l A. They were giving away free COVID tests and at the time, places were trying to scalp these tests for what hundred bucks? Oh yeah, they were there. You couldn't find them for a while. They were all the stores were sold out. Yeah, lines of people waiting to buy these stupid COVID tests back

in the day. And these little companies, especially some of the little urgent cares, were totally taking advantage of everybody. Um well, you and I we went to Radio Row in l A. And they were giving away these free COVID tests. So we kept getting back in line, and our joke was we were going to sell them on

the on the black market. Um, so I took. The reason I took the test on Christmas morning was because my girl I just thought I had a bad head cold, but my girl made scrambled eggs and bacon, and I'm hyped. I'm like, you know, we only get bacon a few times a year. It's a treat. I take a bite of the bacon. I can't taste it. I couldn't taste the syrup. I couldn't taste the waffle. I couldn't taste

the eggs. I literally got scared ben because it felt like somebody had scraped the taste buds off of my tongue. Bake taste like now. I also thought, damn, this actually could be a good diet. If this goes on for a while, I'm not gonna eat anymore, because what fun is it if you can't taste anything? Well, you could do that, or you could go the other direction, said, just give me some vegetables. I can't taste those, like the food you don't like that are good for you.

You could go the other direction and be like, I'll just eat nothing but broccoli and cauliflower. It'd be great. Who cares? Yeah, that's actually a good point. You could turn your health around. Um, it got me, It finally got me. I'm part of your club. Now, part of the club. And see, now you know for sure that it's not that bad, right, you know, it's you're sick, but you've been sick and you'll be sick more in your life before you check out, and so you can

deal with it, and it's a manageable situation. I wish I I have a buddy of mine I used to work with in radio who I wanted to see this week. I had some time off from the radio show, and he will not meet me because he's afraid of getting COVID and he doesn't want to leave. He's still wanted these guys. He will not leave his house, And like, what what is the point of living? You know, you gotta be around people. Otherwise you're gonna be dead forever.

You'll be in the ground or burned up or whatever. You're not gonna be around people. But while you're alive, you gotta be around people. Two guys is enough for me. The man enjoy me very very good on that. So the criminal underworld, what is this all about? You ask a brief tale? So I go back to the holidays, Sware, during that particular social events, we had the white Elephant gift exchange. Does your family do that? Danny g at the the white elephant gift exchange. You know you don't

do it. Yeah, So this is the main event, and it's something I never did up until I got married and started going out with a wife because it's it's always fascinating to me how excited people get for crap. Like my conspiracy on this, I think I might have said this on the podcast, but my conspiracy theory has been that this has been designed by robber barons of business to get people to buy stuff they would not normally buy, like gag gifts and like weird looking socks.

And what was the budget, Well, the I think the budget, I don't know that we even had a budget. I think we spent about you know, bucks, like we got a couple of gifts, and um, we actually did okay. But this is just like I feel like the whole white elephant thing is just like to help commerce out. And we actually got a little mini car vacuum which was useful and some flashlights which I felt was was useful. But it's not so much about the white elephant gift.

But while the party was going on, it was mostly adults, but there were some younger cousins that are you know, little kids that were running amuck and these kids man like a wild pack of desperadoes, these little children with all these adults boozing it up, and these little kids there and it was it was insane. They were unsupervised,

their parents weren't watching him. They're on the prowl. And it turns out that my four year old cousin, he just turned four years old, is actually the ringleader of a criminal underworld. I did not realize this until after the party, But while I was socializing and my wife was socializing, my my little four year old, pint size

cousin was pilfering the Mallard manchion. And after the party, we noticed there were some things that we put out, some toys and some books for the kids to play with, and we noticed that a big chunk of this stuff was not there, and we're like, what the what the fuck? You know, who would steal this stuff? And then I recalled seeing my four year old pal. He had a he was a little a little kid. He's carrying on a box, and so I put two and two together. I'm like, wait a minute, you know that's I had

this epiphany, what's in the box? I called his his mom my my first cousin. I said, I think we got a situation. I think we got a problem. And it turns out that this pint size kleptomaniac had filled this this he's a little kid. He filled this box with all kinds of toys and books and random ship from the house and he watch it and his parents didn't even notice because because they were in their own world and all that. His parents, I guess we're schnockered,

and they didn't realize what was going on. And that's crazy. Now. Fortunately they brought over the box and they put everything. You know, we got everything back. But man, this kid is like a future cat burglar. Man, this kid, she's four years old. He stole a budget put in the box and walked out and oh man, right out of the Mallard mansion with all kinds of crap. That's not so you're gonna be walking in your footsteps getting all the free samples from Costco for lunch. Yeah, okay, I'm

fine with that. Man. He should be a media freeloader, is what he should do someday. Although it's hard to do that these days. Back in the old days, media freeloader easy to do these days not as much. So that was my my tell the backscratcher, Danny, do you think we got any messages, any messages to support holiday week this last week? The backscratcher on the Fifth Hour podcast page. We beg every week. Well, I don't beg. We ask kindly for people to put nice reviews out,

and I think we got any this week. I think that you're too busy with the holidays and family and friends, so I'm gonna say no. Turns out you are wrong. We got one. We got all Hey burg Gibby is the name on here. I don't think that's the real name. And the headline in this five stars podcast porn podcast porn says, if I haven't heard uh, if I haven't heard of other kinds of addiction, this would be podcast born. I can't wait for the next podcast. Amazing job, BM

and d G keep it going great. Hello from Nolans. So the listener I don't know his name, but he is listening in Louisiana and the Bayou. So thank you for that. Appreciate it very much. We have a little time for pop goes the culture, so you know that means the Ohio all there is he ready to go poo. And these are actual pop culture stories, Danny, that we have put together from the last week, things that stood out to us. I saw this go viral on social media while I was away from my watch post. Did

you see, Danny. There is a woman that is such a dead ringer for Jim Carey that she says people regularly come up to her and then are disappointed when they realize she is not Jim Carrey. Have you seen this? No, I have not seen a picture of her yet. All right, I'm gonna I'm gonna send you a link here. All this like, let me, I gotta click a few buttons, but I gotta tell you. Her name is Heather I believe was her name, And of course this on TikTok.

She looks just like Jim Carrey. Like it's it's it's really crazy, Like it's like you wonder, like is this like something? Maybe there's only like a finite number, Danny. Of way ways people can look. And I just sent you the link there and you can check it out. Heather Shaw is her name, She's on TikTok. She's an influencer and she has two point two million followers. How

is that fucking possible. Wo uh yeah right, yeah, she looks you know those filters where you could make yourself look like you know, men were making themselves look like women and women were making themselves look like men. Yeah, this looks like one of those filters where the real Jim Carrey made himself. You know, I want to see what I would look like as a woman. Now. I want to know if they were to procreate this woman Heather and and Jim Carey, what would the kid look like.

I think we know what the kid would look like, but maybe not. I don't know. I mean it's it would be money. The kid would probably come out with red hair and look nothing like either of them. Yeah that's true. But but man, I mean that is uh he said that is nuts. So yeah, she looks like Fire Marshall Bill for sure. Yeah that is uh. I mean this is this is similar to when I was in my twenties and I used to have to sign

autographs as Brad Pitt. Yeah, I'm sure very similar. Yes, Uh, when I was a kid, I had to sign autographs as the fat kid from stand Alone. I had uh yeah I did do that anyway, all right, Uh jen Z TikTokers have been going around. This is a new TikTok trend which doesn't involve injuring people. They've been going up to boomers, Danny and pretending that their favorite celebrities have died to get their reactions like, I can't believe it's so and so is dead and uh, of course

they're not actually dead. They're just pulling the fast one. Sounds like like the ones doing this are gonna die prematurely. Some sleezeball activity there by those tiktoker's. Bad job by them. I saw this with this big Arctic blast that has been striking across America over the last ten days or so and dropping the frigid bomb all over the place.

People that have been owning Tesla's not very happy. Multiple people reporting that the Tesla's are failing to work in the harsh winter weather, that the Tesla's not designed for the frigid conditions here, Danny, did you see the Bills players when they got back from Chicago. It was great? Yeah, yeah, it was All their cars were covered with ten ft of snow and ice that I would assume it wouldn't

be working well. The funniest though, Danny, and I think you you'd agree with me in this was the video one of the guys and the bills was that he was driving a white pickup truck. Oh yeah, he left the ice on top. It looked like he had the iceberg that sunk the Titanic on the back of his car. Was larious and it's like, I got it off enough, I'm ready to go. I don't give a ship what's in the back. I'm going for it man, And he went. He just dug around the sides and then he backed out.

He left everything on top. Yeah, but isn't that gonna come flying off if he's driving and hit a car behind him? Though? I mean, wouldn't you think the snow is gonna come flying off the back at some point while he's driving. I don't know. That was pretty pretty nuts, so I'm speaking of nuts. Soll police in Mexico they did a traffic stop. Did you see what they found in the car? Wedged between suitcases in the trunk of a car in Mexico, Danny bunch of hookers and cocaine.

They found a tiger cub and actually tiger cub had been wedged in between a couple of suitcases, much to the dismay of law enforcement. And yeah, I guess this couple decided they wanted a nice little pet tiger. And it was a little a little bit. At what point, at what age does the tiger become a killing machine? It didn't look it looks like a stuffed animal. You'd get it Disneyland in the video. But I know that's not gonna it's not gonna stay like that right at

some point, it's going to going to be disasters. It's like, oh, it's like a little baby thing like that. It looks like the size of like a small dog like it doesn't have an exotic pet? What would you choose? And it wouldn't It wouldn't hurt me, It wouldn't kill me, but I'd be fine with it. The city would give you, uh, you know, special permission. A lion or an alligator, that would be kind of cool. You know, maybe a rhino are similar. I was allowed to have whatever I wanted.

It wouldn't hurt me. In a perfect world, and I could have that. I mean, think of it. Come wouldn't be kind of cool Because we've all had these neighbors who try to show off with the ponds. What are those those expensive fish in the pond? Boy? Sure? Yeah, yeah, Oh look at my KOI pond. Look at my alligator pond, you, dick. Yeah, think of the conversations. A lot of people would run away from you. They'd be like scared to be like, oh my god, I can but I mean like, no,

don't don't panic. I made a deal. It's an alligator, but it won't bite anybody because I made the deal and we're good to go on that. And you can see the video. I sent you the video of the tiger here, daddy. But it looks like a like a little I don't know how old that thing is. You're the animal guy. You got that animal thunderdome coming up here at some point. So, yeah, it would be perfect baby. Yeah, it's not very big. It's cute cuddly, right, doesn't it

look like a stuff to animal? Though? Yeah? How much do they eat? They must eat a shipload every day to get big, right, they can't. What are the if you have a pet tiger, like, what are you feeding it? Like entire chickens, like three or four chickens every couple of hours or something like that. Man racing kanes, Yeah, raising Kanes. All right on, pop goes the culture. We got a little more time. I think we'll do one

more here. We'll see if we have time. But how about how about this one from the the wacky world of a real estate. So this group of friends in Pennsylvania, they bought this abandoned high school. They spent a hundred thousand dollars on this abandoned high school. This old school like relic from back in the day, like the nineteen forties, nineteen fifties, and I've been used in years. And they renovated it and they turned into this awesome looking thirty

one unit apartment building. It's got a gym, shared living space. It's awesome. And these guys in their thirties they got together and they said, this is great real estate. This is a gold mine. We gotta we gotta figure out how to do it Homestead, Pennsylvania. And it's it's really neat. It's like this really sweet looking old building that was this this high school. It's four stories tall. And they got together with a developer and they turned it into

twenty nine one bedroom units. They're charging four a month, and they've got some two bedroom units as well. That are mixed in there. But that's a great idea. I'd love to do something like that. I think that's a wonderful Is there also a built in brothel. I don't. I don't see the brother, but they made it very it's very grand. It's very grand like it. It's an old building and they refurbished it. They did this in like six months and it's it's pretty cool. And they

just bought another school. I guess this is a new thing. They just bought another school, an elementary school which is no longer in elementary school, and they're gonna turn that into some some studio apartments also, So that's kind of neat, some ingenuity. Yeah, alright, so it is New Year's Eve, Danny g big plans for New Year's Eve, or you're gonna stay on the injured list in the injury tent. Yeah, it's just gonna be me and the tinder ron e.

The kids are all busy. We were just gonna kind of have a chill night anyways, with some sparklers and some sparkling cider and maybe the gender reveal because we might find out later today. Yeah, we might find out by tomorrow if it's a boy. Or a girl very exciting, and everyone be dying to know. Will we have a a Danny g two point oh or a new princess in your life? Danny, and we will. We will find out soon when ship gets real. Already packed the bag.

I'm gonna celebrate the news by high tailing it north on the one O one freeway. Yes here you all right. We'll have a great end of It's been a fun year here on the podcast with you, Danny and doing the radio show and all that stuff. And we'll begin the new year. We will have a mail bag podcast. The Malla Milissia came through yet again, so I have a brand new mail bag. On the first day of twenty twenty three, another year is upon us. We've we've

survived another spin around the globe. So anyway we'll catch you then, have a great rest of your day and stay safe. Happy new Year, Happy New Year. I I for gotta say it, Happy New Year. Fired, yeah, damn it? All right? Later, Scooter gott a murder, Gotta go