The Fifth Hour: Costco Catwalk & Goofy Fall

Kutbooms.

If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants of the old republic, a sol fashion of fairness. He treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the rich pill poppers in the penthouse.

Wow.

The Clearinghouse of hot takes break free for something special. The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now.

In the a em way The fifth Hour.

Good to have you hanging out with us, because that means we're not talking to no one. There's actually someone listening. You're the someone. All we need is one person. Well, the company would like more than one person, but it is the fifth Hour. Happy Saturday, the sixteenth day of the month of March. Today's National corn Dog Day. Big fan of the corn dog, don't eat them very often, love the corn dog, and to me, the corn dog. Celebrating the corn dog is almost bigger than Saint Patrick's Day.

Didn't eat those all that much.

But Danny G is hanging out with me traveling and the traveling Man Danny G Radio.

That's right. I am live right now from the Graduate Hotel. Woke my ass up early to do this. Yesterday's live broadcast was a lot of fun. And I even brought a carry on. Well the carry on had my clothes, I should say. I checked one large Duffel bag and it had the water bottles and some NERF footballs in it. So I even passed out some swag to the listeners who showed up for the live studio audience.

Nice.

My famous story in the family my wife's grandfather when they used to go to Mexico. I think I've told this before, but he would his suitcase. He'd just pack a suitcase filled with water bottles because he was you know what, you don't drink the water in Mexico. Yeah, yeah, that was his thing. He brought like no clothes and he just brought a suitcase filled with water.

You just just gribbed goa's diaper bag. And we didn't know this, but you're supposed to take all the bottles. And we had one thing that had hot water in it. And then all the pre made bottles. They were measured out, but the formula wasn't mixed in them yet. But you can have a full bag of liquids. But Ben, they do this thing where they take these these little sticks and they they measure the steam coming out of the bottle and then they swab and they check the water

Well, baby cod does have some tendencies.

I mean he lets those farts rip, so you know that's a he's a fart terrorist.

I know that, right, Yeah, you're not kidding about that.

Yeah. Yeah, he's got that magic ability we all have when your little kids. But man alive. Well, thanks for doing this. I know the trip. That's a quick turnaround. That is a quick and you'll be back in La tonight. Right, you'll be.

Back Yeah, as quick as we got here. It wasn't quick. It was a pretty long flight. It's just a quick turnaround. We did the live broadcast and then we're going home early afternoon today.

All right, So on this pot we're gonna start now.

As you know, Nanny, I am a I'm a bit of a fashionista. I'm known in the building as mister Fashion. So we're gonna start.

On clearly, if Costco had a fashion show.

We're gonna start on the catwalk. Yeah, on the catwalks. I was strutting down the catwalk runway doing a little pirouette. Now you were traveling, so you probably didn't didn't see this, But I debuted my newest hat. I'd mentioned I was going to get this hat, but I finally debuted it on the pod, which you can see on the YouTube feed. There is a YouTube feed of Malor monologues on obviously on the internet.

You can check that out.

But I made quite the fashion statement this week as I debuted my tribute to Canada. Oh come, the Houten hat has arrived. The poutine hat has arrived on the scene. And if for those her blind listeners though, this is a bright yellow cap and then it's got the Hutine logo in and I'll say this thing so you can see, because I'm sure you we're busy this week. Let me see if I can find as I'll hit this button here and then if I hit that, that'll probably go to you.

But you're always all all the way Nashville, so it'll it'll take you a while, unless it won't because it happens instantaneously.

Yeah, and it's alien technology or iPhone, so.

That is true. I believe that to be true. So the yeah, the hat, it's a go.

I'll import to your message.

So it's got the poutine there. It's got a nice picture of fries with the you know, the poutine that's putine and then it says under it the Canadian salad, the Canadian salad.

Do you wear this in public?

I wore to work. I don't know, let I wear it in but maybe? Okay, Well, I don't know.

That's a good looking a hat though, come on, that's that's rare now, you know, not many people have a poutine hat. And it's got I didn't even notice this, but it's got the Canadian logo on one side, and then that's the I think that's from Quebec, which is where poutine came from in Canada.

Right, I think that.

Yeah, that's what it looks like.

Either that or it's the New Orleans Saints thing. You know that thing in the Louisiana is it? What is that thing called? I don't know the term point.

It's like the tip of a barbed wire fence.

Yeah, sure, that's it. Yeah, that's it. So I wore that.

I like that.

I'm a big hat guy, as you know, so I was very happy.

It's one of the more unique hats I have that I've been wearing the big timber hat from the high school in Montana, the goat herders, so that's been in my rotation here.

I'm on the trendy train.

I am.

I am on the trendy train.

It's true, man, I am all about it.

It doesn't matter whatever design.

You know, you talk about fashion, You've got you know, different fashion design whatever.

I'm there.

I'm like Hollywood glam, I'm mid section, mid century modern whatever.

I don't know.

I don't even know what those terms mean, by the way, but I just said them. So that was the new hat there, very very very exciting. And when I wore the hat, I drove into the studio in Los Angeles, so you could say, Danny I was dodging two bullets while I was doing that, depending on what neighborhood in Los Angeles I was driving through to get too said

When you think of Disney resorts, you don't usually think about death or near death experiences.

That's not usually in the brochure that they know.

Yeah, I mean, you know, I don't think anybody's died on the Dumbo ride. Last week on vacation, we're in the hotel room and my wife was changing little Koha. These beds were high and I told my wife he went I noticed it. I said, boy, we better keep a hawkeye on the little one because you know, he's moving at the speed of light right now. He's like Usain Bolt. You turn your head and he's five rolls

He didn't mess.

Oh thank god. I mean, had his head hit first or his body hit first, it would have been completely bad news, which would have ruined the trip. So you know, we pick him up. I think it just scared him more than anything. And that's the first time he's ever rolled off of bed, and I'm thinking, Man, bad timing here. We're trying to have fun on a vacation and this kid trying to scare the shit out of us. Fast forward to two days later, my wife he goes on the Lazy River with her oldest and they leave me

Yes? Wow.

I get him to calm down, and you know, it seemed like his legs were a little sore, but no damage. About twenty thirty minutes later, he was smiling and playing and I was like, man, not only did we dodge one bullet, we dodged two bullets. Him rolling off the bed twice on the trip, and he avoided injuries both times. But now I'm traumatized because anytime my girl has had

Yeah, he's well, isn't that?

Remember the comedian I forget who it was probably even more than one comedian, and his whole routine was like a kid for the first couple of years. Your only job is to keep them alive, keep them from killing themselves, right, that's pretty much it keep them putting their fingers in electrical sockets or you know, falling off beds. You brought up the hotel thing, and according to the National Fall Safety Institute, I have no idea what that is.

It sounds important.

The National Fall Safety Institute, there was a study done that claimed hotel injuries accidents at hotels lead to over seven million emergency room business have led to over seven hundred million or seven million emergency visits and at least thirty six thousand every year.

Damn. You know.

There's a lot of hotels though, too, And.

I think part of it is probably because you're not used to your surroundings the way you are at home.

Well, and a couple of years, he will then treat the bed like a professional wrestling ring brother, and or the floor is lava, and that'll be another fun thing when you go to hotels. Right the next my niece broke her nose. They were playing on the bed, jumping up and down, and they boom and had some mother.

I always have heard parents tell stories about their kids falling off beds, and I thought to myself at the time, how could you allow that to happen? Now I know because when it was on my watch, he did it right in front of my face.

That's wild. So you did. You did dodge a couple bullets there, you did.

How was the food situation in Hawaii this weekended you or not this weekend last week when.

You were the week Yeah, you know, it was good. It was resort food most of the time, super expensive, but we expected that. You know, everything has to be imported to the islands, obviously, so there's a huge markup, and then it's a tourist trap on top of that. So a couple of times we went to store plazas where more of the locals were hanging out, found some

Yeah, Miami.

I've only been there once, but I was in Miami and they would rain in the afternoon. It's one of the reasons, like the baseball team, they didn't have a dome when the Marlins started playing there.

Now they have a dome.

But they started playing like they'd always have rain delays because it it would just pass through in the evening time. There'd be evening showers for like an hour or whatever, and then they'd play it out and be able to play the game.

Somebody reindoler it was a pain. Pain in the ass.

So large and in charge, Large and in charge the one hundred most obese cities in the United States, according to a new study. You want to guess where the biggest heifers.

Are, Let's do. We won't do it, and we don't do list. We do not do list.

No, No, I think I know the answer to this though.

Okay.

I ate at a diner in Idaho, and I have never seen so many large people in my life.

I know I am looking here. I do not see Idaho.

Really. Even my cousin noticed it right away. Inside this diner, it was like, man, and all these people in here look like they are packing the potatoes.

All right, So let's get into this. This is a study done. Let me see who did this.

Wallet Hub measured several lifestyle factors, including activial level, heart disease, diabetes, and access to healthy foods to determine which of the country is lacking.

And then there's some other crap in here.

Let's just do top Ten's see if you can you get any You think how many of the top ten do you think you'll get on the big board?

Danny, Ah, well, probably probably three.

So you think you can get three. That's a three hundred batting average, you go to the Hall of Fame.

Yeah, gain three. Okay, So here we go. We're gonna play the game here and you can play along. Listening to the podcast, The Top Ten most obese cities in America, Danny, how many guesses do you get here?

Dan?

What are we looking at here?

So not states? These are cities.

Well, yeah, these are cities.

I will tell you that they are all pretty much in the same region of the country.

Okay, so there's that.

Oh I'm going to start by saying Chicago.

Is not in the top twenty. Forget the top ten. They're not in the top twenty.

So all right, are you thinking of the famous snl skit where the Chicago Bears fans are sitting around the Bears.

Stop Bears, the Bears, not Chicago. There are fat people in Chicago. I love Chicago.

Good where your brother? How about where your brother lives in Wisconsin?

A lot of fat people in Wisconsin. Not on the top ten.

Oh my god?

Oh for two? Oh for two? Wrong again, idiot, Well you're in Nashville.

Over in Chattanooga. Chattanooga, Tennessee is number ten. Spoiler alert. Most of these are in the south. Chattanooga, Tennessee. Baton RUMs Louisiana is number nine. Yeah, some savory food there.

Yeah.

Lafayette, Louisiana is number eight. Memphis, Tennessee another Tennessee, but not. Nashville, Memphis is number seven. Knoxville, Tennessee is number six. Chicken Baby good, Southern food, big portions, Little Rock, Arkansas. But this is an attack on the south. This is a shot at the south below the Mason Dixon line. Little Rock, Arkansas number five, Mobile Alabama, Mobile Alabama, number four.

Yeah, some of these are towns I didn't even think about. Yeah about southern towns.

Tree Port, Louisiana is number three. So you got that on there. Jackson, Mississippi at number two. Think of that Johnny Cash song about Jackson. And the number.

Number one.

We go to the great State of Texas. McCallen, Texas is number one. That is on the southern border with Mexico, and it scored an eighty five point five out of one hundred and nearly half of.

The adults or obese.

It's a city of one hundred and forty four thousand, and it has high rates of heart disease and diabetes and all of that. So congratulations to McCallum, McCallum, Texas, you're number one.

So the math, let me do the math on that.

So one hundred and forty four thousand, so that means there are seventy two thousand fat people.

There is half well I said nearly half, so maybe not exactly seventy two, but a lot, but a lot, you know. But the obese thing, the what's the measurement they use? The get the term? I think there's people they say that are a beasts that I don't think are obese. You know, you know what I mean? Like the the fat what's the measurement they use?

If oh, the doctor punches you in the gut and sees how much it jiggles.

Yeah, like jello. That's a pain in.

The mister, g you're really jiggling in this visit.

Pain in the keyster time.

Now for the phrase all of the week, not to be confused with the word the week or the idiom of the week. This is the phrase of the week.

Phrase of the.

Phrase of the week is rule of thumb. Rule of thumb is the phrase of the week. And you might have heard this over the years, but yeah, it has a very dark, very dark meaning. It goes back to the seventeen hundred. You can trace it back to the seventeen hundreds. In England there was a judge named Sir

Like what?

I don't know what you do with that? But that is kind of crazy, isn't it. That's wild that that became part of the lexicon, the rule of thumb, all because of.

I would have never thought it came from violence, from domestic violence.

Yeah.

I thought it was like, you know how you measure with Sometimes with your thumb, you'll measure something small.

Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. You go with your hand like one hand, two, okay, that's thre three hands there.

Yeah, yeah, I know this is this is all about beaten beating up your wife with a stick. As long as it's just the size of your thumb, you're good.

You're imagine that that judge must have been quite the quite the fun hang out with.

Right instead of the racist drop and play the sexist drop right now?

Yes sexist?

Uh, let's do a little pop goes the culture. You got a little time left? So that means ohio.

Jug jug.

Well.

Quite the story this week, dan It said, developing story and didn't talk too much about this on the podcast because.

I'm not on this platform.

But a lot of outrage as the United States government closing in on a ban some legislation to ban the social media app TikTok, and a number of people the reactions have been over the top. I'm not sure if this came up on Covino and Rich, but TikTokers based in America venting their frustrations at the United States Senate as they are closing in on this ban for the app. These are people that are making hundreds of thousands, millions

Job, and they're losing their mind. I don't understand.

I'm not TikTok. I don't know what's behind this. I've read some of the stories. My eyeballs when I get bug eyed when I see some of this stuff. But it's essentially the Chinese government's tracking everything. And my interpretation, Danny is, and I've said this before, it's like they don't have a problem if the US government is tracking you, but if China is tracking you, that's a problem. They're gonna put their foot down on that. Like if you

Creator, I love that. We're creators, right, we're creating audio, right, we're.

Creators, We're content creators. We just keep our clothes on because nobody wants to see us naked.

Yeah, wouldn't that be great if there was an only fans that would pay a lot of money for radio only fans. Anyway, if you're a TikToker, wouldn't you just go to go to like Instagram or something like like what's the big deal? Couldn't you go to another platform and find a way to make money? If your content is that good, wouldn't you be able to get money on other platforms?

I don't understand, I'm not that bright.

Well, I think it's probably because they've already built up their following on TikTok and that's what the kiddies use, the younger generation uses most, so there's not an equivalent to that right now.

Well, we had a on popcost the culture. We had an international outrage incident involving a priest, but not involving a young boy. Uh priest sparking outrage. She decided that the church needed to be dressed up a little bit, right, that's kind of want to you want to keep the people coming there, and you need to spruce up the church a little bit.

Not that great, right, you know? Why not?

And so this this jackass decided, you know what, I'm gonna do.

I am going to touch some things up here.

A guy named Hector Lunar is his name, and he ended up painting over a three hundred year old painting that had heritage status to dress up the church. It seemed like a good idea to me, but he went for it. The isn't the Canary Islands. They launched an investigation. This guy hired workers. They stripped and repainted the interior walls of the church and yeah, I just want.

To repaint it. Yeah, there you go.

Oops?

Yeah, who goofed?

I've got to know the church itself was built in the sixteenth century, burned to the ground in seventeen oh six during a volcano, and then was rebuilt in the eighteenth century, and the painting had been there since since that time. So wow, Now Lunar is on the run. He fled to Venezuela. According he's a wanted man. How much jail time do you get for that? Like what's the punishment?

I don't know.

I'm not sure what the punishment is, but that's not great. Yeah, there's better things there.

Do you think they would give him like a paint kit so he could paint the inside of his cell, give him some crayons, and yeah, yeah, did you.

See the story this week is a couple of days ago though, the woman who identified as a dog, and she's become a huge star on social media, and she revealed that she sleeps in a crate and is rewarded with dog biscuits and has handlers who walk her. And they say that there's mental illness is not a problem in this country, right, come on?

Yeah.

The things people will do to get attention, though, the things that you will do to stand out from the pack.

I will pretend I'm a dog and I'm going to eat Scooby treats and you know all that stuff. It's like kema, It's insane.

Everybody thinks they're the big star of their own picture.

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

We're all we're better than everyone else, our lives are better, we're different.

Than everyone else and all that. Man, So who's better the girl that says she's.

A dog or the girl who identifies as a cat. Remember there's a teacher that got criticized because the student who said a girl couldn't identify as a cat. Teacher criticize the.

Student and all that, and yeah.

Good times, all right, that's enough. Pop goes the culture. We didn't even get to the Don Lemon being banned from Elon Musk.

Twitter show or whatever. Who cares.

Dan, you'll fly back today. You'll be back in time for tomorrow's podcast.

Yes, yes, sir, I'm going to produce this fine podcast, ship it out to the world. Pack my bags and get on the plane.

Wonderful it safe travels to you. Have a great rest of your Saturday. We will have on a holiday, Saint Patti's Day, we will have a fresh male bag pod.

We'll talk to you. Then, have a wonderful rest of your Saturday. We'll talk to you tomorrow.

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