Kabooms.
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants of the old republic, a sol fashion of fairness. He treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the rich pill poppers in the penthouse. Wow, it's the clearinghouse of hot takes. Break free for something special. The Fifth Hour with Ben Mallard starts right now.
In the air everywhere. The Fifth Hour with me, Big Ben and Danny g Happy Saturday to you as we slide on into the fifteenth day of the month of June and we celebrate together the World Juggling Day, always important. World Juggling Day today, great event at the circus. When you watch the clowns juggle, very impressive. I tried juggling when I was a kid. Didn't go so well. Didn't go so well when I was when I was doing that,
but a staple of the circus clowns juggling. But I have been told Danny, people in the circus they avoid whistling and or eating peanuts because it's bad luck nuts at the circus.
You know what would that be?
Why would it be bad peanuts? Is that because they feed the elephant's peanuts. Is that why it's bad luck?
I don't know. I'm not sure about that either. That that's something for you to add to the list of research. Sure, Mark, I think they're going to give us a couple of interns for this show pretty soon.
Yeah, well do they have? We used to have interest when I started, We had so many interes. We had a whole intern program. We haven't had interns.
No, no, no, no, it's funny. You should ask Dean last Monday he started for Big Mike. Who So, Big Mike has a personal intern? Really? Yeah, this is new information. He's the first intern in four and a half years.
Yeah, I don't get it. When I started in radio, I was an intern and learned the business as an intern, and then got hired and then worked my way up the corporate ladder and all that. But you could still find people that would like the intern. There's still people that would be willing to do it. Although is it the case now where everyone's like, I got to get paid to be an intern, you know, I need money and all that. Is it one of those deals? Huh?
You know? I hope he gets fired pretty soon. No bad jinks or karma on him. But here's his email on his first day. Hey, team, here are a couple of ideas that are trending in the media world right now. Let me know if there's any other research I can help with. You want to hear some of his Yeah, I do cover hear this, ranking which sports events you'd rather go to? Different championships example Super Bowl versus NBA Finals versus NHL finals. Yeah, here comes the next pert.
His first piece of advice was was a list?
Was a list? Here's the second one, rank five different NBA championship teams by year. Here's the next one, blind ranking five NBA teams without knowing which teams come next?
What?
Blind ranking five NFL qbs or wide receivers without knowing who's next. Next one start bench cut his next sport. Yes, here's this next one, blind ranking goats of different sports. All the goats keep three cut three players. Drafting starting five all let's see drafting start five all time teams in NBA. I'm not sure you think he misspelled that
or grammatical error in there. Mendous research this guess yea creating a current NFL roster with different positions any player, NBA mock drafts, fun ideas for fantasy football drafts, Fantasy football mock drafts. In his last one ranking best nicknames in sports, now here's like, and I give him credit, No, I swear to god. This is his email.
He actually said this.
He sent this. He's a really good kid. By the way, I should mention goes to school in Colorado, somewhere in Colorado. Really nice kid.
He meant, well, just hearing the list, this is one of the worst things I've ever heard. Stuck back in Colorado and like that part Colorado nineteen forties or something like.
That, you know. And then Covino told Rich the other day he's like, dude, he's like, the worst part of that email was that you wrote back saying awesome ideas, thanks for this. And Rich was just trying to be nice, but he's like, dude, don't egg him on if we can't use any of the ideas. And I told both
of them, I'm like, don't worry about it. For a few minutes, I explained to him, like how we kind of come up with topics and the different angles, and I showed him TMZ Sports and some other websites and I'm like, bro, find an interesting headline that's out there and then find an angle to that, not these evergreen bad ideas that are on bad talk shows. Well he was.
Trying, but the effort was there, the execution.
Was star And by the way, later on this podcast, start Bench Cut.
In fact, we're going that's gonna be a spinoff all of the fifth hour Start Bench Cut. That's what we're going to do on a spinoff podcast, and it will be available wherever you get podcasts, a bonus podcast just for you. So on on this edition, we do not have any of any lists. I don't do this, We have none. We have the Buggy Revenge, hell Off, the tape, the Thing of a Jig Go Sideways, and we'll have the phrase of the week. Are you ready, Danny, Oh yes,
all right, let's get right into it. So if you have been listening to the Terrestrial Overnight Show, the Original Recipe Podcast, and this Extra Crispy, Extra Crunchy, Extra Spicy podcast, you know that I have had a take that has gone very uh what's the word I'm looking for over the top. The reaction has been polarizing to one of my takes, not about sports, of course, but something else. But this story actually relates to it, and I wanted to share it with you. And I did not use
this on the weekday show the weeknight show. So I had a pretty normal weekend in terms of running errands around town. Made my pilgrimage to the Holy Atlantic Costco. And this is not for the banana cream pie, which we reviewed on yesterday's podcast. This is instead just a normal Costco run. The wife wanted some Kirkland brand Icebrew coffee. They had been out of it the last time I went, so okay. I went back and stopped by Costco very
brief trip. But it was rush hour, afternoon Costco weekend, afternoon Costco rush hour, so I get out of the card. Now I had to park. Costco was so busy. I had to park on the other side of a parking lot across the street, which was in a parking lot which was adjacent to Costa Go, but on the other side of this this main Entry street, and so that's where I had to part. It was that busy, I had to park across the way there completely packed. So I'm walking into Costco and I made another text to
the wife. I'm like, hey, I'm here. If you need anything else, let me know. And then she said, oh yeah, I forgot I need a few more things. So okay, I got I got the items, and uh, like, wait a minute, I think I need to get a shopping cart because I was so far away, I could not carry everything. I could carry a little thing of coffee, but I couldn't carry all these other items that she wanted.
Don't you secretly love it when they text back, no, thank you, I have everything I need.
When does that happen today? You? Anyway?
Once in a blue moon.
So by the by the the items, you know, I go get the items. I am in the cart whatever, you know. I had to wait in line. Fine, Saturday, you know Saturday or whatever it was on at Costco during the day. Got everything that was requested and then I I put it back in the cart, and I'm walking out of the store the buggy and I'm walking and then I keep going and then all of a sudden things get very awkward, and for a moment, I think I'm on that show Punked or one of those
candid camera TV shows. And I'm not making any of this up, but I'm about to tell you I'm not making up. This seems like something that is out of a TV show trying to goof on somebody, but it actually happened. So I have a shopping cart full of crap that I didn't think I was going to get. I was only there for one item, ended up getting all this other stuff. So I'm pushing the shopping cart.
And remember it was very busy, and I mentioned I had to park in this other parking lot which was across the street but in near Costco, but in the next parking lot over in the same Costco area. But it wasn't like I walked out of the shopping center. So I'm walking. I get to that street and I have to cross the street, and I had to wait for cars, and the cars a lot of traffic, and so I had to wait for somebody to allow me to go through. So I'm walking in the middle of
the street. I can see my car. I park close to the end of the parking lot, which is on the other side of the street. So I'm walking and all of a sudden, hand to God in the middle of the f and street while people are staring at me, the cart stops on a dime on a dime It has one of those magnet things on it where if you cross a certain point in the parking lot, Yeah, you think you're stealing the cart.
It's like, Lowjack, Is this like that commercial? Danny?
You make the call. You're in this situation in the middle of the street. You're surrounded by people on all sides that are giving you the evil eye the f ui what do you do? You make the car? What would you do?
Lift the cart up, move it backwards, and turn in the direction it'll drive in.
Okay, So that was my My initial thought was to move it back and then we'll just that'll be That'll be the way we do it. That's we're on the same train of thought. So I start moving it around. It isn't moving, it's not wheeling. Oh shit.
So when it locks, it just locks for good.
He did it just locked. So now I'm picking the fucking card up and I'm trying to drag it to the to the sidewalk, and everyone's staring at me, like you asshole. What is wrong with you?
Hey, asshole?
You can't Paul kid and and uh And I was, you know, I was, I'm very strong person, as you know, dy wrong and so I was able to move the cart to the sidewalk with a lot of evil. Stairs, there was a little dude in a Tesla truck that gave me gave me a big stare. Uh So this was very embarrass So then I parked on the sidewalk. But I'm still not at my car. So now I have to do the walk of shamed Danny. I have to take a couple of items at a time and walk to my car and then walk back while keeping
one eye on the rest of the stuff in the car. Now, the one thing that did make me feel better, even though this was the buggy revenge, was that other people had the same problem. So it was like a chain reaction where there were other people that were also just trying to put their groceries in the car, and they got to that point in the middle of the street, same thing happened, same exact thing happened to them. And it was a vaudevillian comedy, is what it was. It
was just absolutely wonderful. And then I add some people. There was this family mom, kid, a couple of kids. Mom, her husband and a couple kids, and they're like, oh, I guess we're gonna have to have the kids carry the groceries back. I'm like, they might want to do that. I might want to do that. Great planning, by the way, by the people at Costco. They don't have a big
enough parking lot. And then you have the thing on the shopping cart boom right there on the buggy shuts down right in the middle of the street, even though you have customers parking in the other side of the parking lot. Yeah, brilliant, brilliant bullshit. So that was my tale of the tape. But that's not the tail of the tape.
Bro. We ended last Saturday's podcast talking about garage sales and yard sales, and my wife had this great plan, I need to clear out that closet and get this in those bags out of the garage and lists and lists of different things and different items throughout the house that she wanted to just get rid of at a garage sale that her aunt was having in Anaheim, California,
last weekend. Speaking of bad planning Friday, she says, I want to load my car ahead of time so that tomorrow morning I could get on the road early and get there when the garage sale starts. Half the things were there already because her mom came ahead of time, and my wife has the second half of the junk. Guy need to get on the road by six am Saturday morning. Well we have a now he just turned ten months old. We have a ten month old son. As you know, what time do you think realistically she
got on the road eight o'clock. Well you're good, boom.
I got Did I get it right?
Yeah? Two hours late, you're exactly correct. Eight three am. She got on the road. So she finally gets there. Here's the really good news in this. I didn't have to go. I got out of it because I couldn't fit in the car with all the stuff. You know, she didn't have a ton of my old things, but there were jackets and some of my nikes and some tims and stuff like that. Uh, you know, older stuff but in good condition.
Come on, Pippin, get your tims off. Did you try to go to Rob Parker before you went to.
The I'm sure Rob would have bought all of it.
It's time for trash.
So Ben, She's there for a few hours in Anaheim. I think they stayed outside until three pm, and they had a pretty good flow of customers. She said, from ten to three. How much money do you think she made?
This must be very low because you're bringing this up. I'm gonna say two hundred bucks.
Not a bad guess. She made one hundred dollars, one hundred dollars, one hundred dollars from people coming up. Besides people who live there in Anaheim, everybody else is busy going to theme parks.
Hot house.
All right. She has a hoarder aunt, her aunt, wonderful lady, lovely lady. She treats all the kids in the family like they're her kids, so she's everybody's favorite aunt. But she's one of those ladies who has like a thousand trinkets on a million sho elves, and everything is cluttered and claustrophobic in her house because she collects so many things. The family. Oh boy, she went through our stuff before
the yard sale started. Guess how much money she gave for the items that she wanted before they were available to the general public.
Well, I would hope it was more than a what was.
It, six hundred dollars?
I'm there, I'm dead sex.
Weighing in at six hundred dollars. And my better half said she felt bad for her uncle she's an enabler. She's enabling my aunt to collect even more.
She's she's giving the facilitating the problem there, helping to create the problem. Wow.
Now, one thing I will say in her aunt's defense, the baby clothes and some of the baby items she's shipping to other relatives. She is gonna help other families with some of the stuff she got, which is nice, you know. And she just didn't want the public getting that stuff. She's like, I like that, I like that, I want that. So she made a huge pile. Now, out of the one hundred dollars from real customers, how much money do you think of that came to me from my gear.
I'm gonna say that you got twenty.
Bucks out of it. Damn, you're on fire.
My on fire. I'm on fire.
You're on fire.
That's called an eddie, Garcia. When I ruined the game, that's called the eddie.
I don't care. I'm leaving goodbye.
Gotta go to the roulette table, bet on red or black and say if you can double that money right there, Dan, that's the way to do it. And then again and again and again and again and again and again, and Annie Man.
Thank you, Anaheim California. I have a twenty dollars bill burning in my pocket.
You're a baller Danny G the baller Daddy, G Radio the baller Daddy. So when it breaks, it crumbles, Danny. When it breaks, it crumbles. It has been a very expensive a couple of weeks dipping into my rainy day fund here, and I've been documenting this on the airwaves of the Fifth Hour podcast, so we'll continue this. It all started a couple of weeks back in a land far far away. You might remember we talked about on the podcast. The tire came off the malamobile on the highway.
On the highway, then found out all the tires need to be replace, went to tire iraq dot Com was shopping around as I was waiting for the tow to take the car and get the car fixed. So that costs a fair amount of money.
Mark sponsor read let's see how far into the podcast we are.
But no, it is it's a the tire rack tire decision guy. I believe it's what it's called. It's it's wonderful.
So twenty minutes, eighteen seconds say we got the read.
Boom, So then we move ahead in the story, and a couple of days after that, I was driving back to so Cal and to my home in the Malor Mansion in SoCal from a way location and was rear ended. The malamobile rear ended. So I've been driving a rental with South Dakota license plates, spending extra money out of a pocket because insurance doesn't cover the full amount for the rental car that I needed. So I'm paying a little extra every day. And then this past week, yet again,
when it breaks, it crumbles. The thing of a jig goes sideways. Was using the Malor phone, using the Malor phone, and I was noticing that there was a glitch on the keyboard, that certain letters on the keyboard were not working, and that when I was playing my scrabble game, I was unable to move certain parts of the scrabble board. And so I thought it was a glitch. I'd got my phone updated recently, so I thought, well, that must be it. I just must have There must be something
with the phone update that caused the problem. So I went on to a couple of websites troubleshooting and they said, well, this might be it, you know, and you can do this and that but it got to the point where I could not even reset my phone. That my phone was so messed up. I could not even reset it couldn't do that at all. And so I went to the Apple store to have my phone examined at they call it the Genius Bar. Have you been to the Genius Bar?
I have. Did you have to make an appointment ahead of time?
I did? I did made an appointment. I was there on time. They then had me sit around and wait because I went at the wrong time.
Yeah, it's like a doctor's office.
So I was there waiting whatever, and gave my phone over. They do the diagnostic test on the phone, and the person was very nice. He said, let's see what's going on with your phone. Okay, here's the diagnosis. And he then said, I've got bad news for you. Yet. Your screen is broke. There's and he showed me exactly, there's a line down my screen that.
Just is dead.
He says, oh, and also your battery is dead. So I can get you a new battery and a new screen. And with tax and all fees included, it's like four hundred bucks.
All right, that's cheaper than a new phone.
Yeah, but my I had an iPhone eleven. So it was I kind of as getting getting a little old or whatever. So I made the decision Danny, I said, you know what, I need a new phone. I used, I'm on the phone all the time.
Who's the baller now?
Yeah, So I'm like, oh, let's get a new phone. So then I then, you know, they try to upsell your like, yah, you'll probably just get a new phone. But you know, if you want, we can fix it. You know it'll be as good as new. So I was like whatever. So he told me to go over to the front. He says, wait over here, we'll get you somebody to process your new phone. And so okay and uh and then the genius bar guy was very kind.
I went over there. I waited, I waited, I waited, the waiting game games tick tick tick tck tck tck tck tck tck tck dick. And I finally said, my time is the most valuable resource I have. These people aren't helping me. I am willing to give them a lot of money for a phone made in a sweatshop in China.
I'm out.
And so I just walked out with my broken iPhone tail between my legs. I walked out. I said I will come back to fight another day, and I waited several more days. In the middle of the week, on a school night, I went back to the Apple store and then they gave you the whole spiel. Well, would you like to do you like to get a new phone? Do you want to? You know you have? What phone company do you have? You can get a free phone,
You're eligible for a free phone, that whole thing. But I didn't do the free phone thing because I know that's a scam, so I ended up paying. I think by the time I got done, it was like a thousand bucks a thousand bucks, which really kicked me in the nuts. But I do I do believe, Danny, you should try at all costs to avoid the free offer that most phone companies have. It's mostly a scam.
Yeah, it's a free dick up you know where.
Exactly because they're really just they're locking you in to the old member remember the old phone contracts, Danny, that you had to have, and they got rid of that a few years back. But they handcuff you because of the phone. It's only free as long as you stay with the phone company, which means they can raise the prices and you still can't leave, and you got to stay with them for a couple of years.
It's blackmail.
Yeah. So when anytime you get a no cost offer, and it's whether it's phones or anything else, the free is not free. There is no such thing as a free launch. It's like you try to explain that to people, and there's there's a lot of I call them dumb people. They don't understand. It's like when the government gives out money someone that money's coming from somewhere. It's not nothing free, like when during the pandemic when Biden was cutting checks. You know at the end there for everybody and all
that it's not free. It's coming from somewhere. And they give you a free phone, they're doing They're not doing that out of the kindness of their heart. They're doing that because they're gonna get you another way. So anyway, that's that was the thing ajig that went aside, which we have the we have here. Let's see, you know, I think we have the bonus phrase of the week. Are you ready for the bonus phrase of the week.
Wait, this is like double your pleasure.
Kil you get more rotation with two hands, W A pleasure, W your fun double mcgum.
Phrase of the Week.
The A wild Man from Morgantown, West Virginia, writes, and he says, when asking for a cup of coffee, have you ever referred to it as a cup of joe? I know, I've heard people say it. Heck, even I have. Where did it come from? Just wondering if you could find out. Well, wild Man, your lucky day has come. Thank you for the email, and this was pretty cool. I did not I've heard the phrase. I did not know where it came from. It is a spiteful phrase, Danny. The term a cup.
Of joe, Well, that's perfect because remember the famous curbed where he does the Spike Cafe and he oh, yeah, Joe.
Yeah, moy Joe's yeah yeah yeah. So the phrase a cup of joe originated in the United States Navy. In nineteen fourteen, the US Navy Secretary of this guy named Joseph Daniels banned all alcohol from US Navy vessels. How do you think the Navy, the semen in the Navy felt about that, Danny. Do you think they liked that they had banned alcohol from the Navy vessels?
No? Not at all.
So the Navy soldiers referred to their coffee as a cup of joe out of spite against the US Navy Secretary, Joseph S. Daniels was his name, and the term obviously had it stuck, so it's not as old as you might think. He goes back over years. But the term cup of Joe is a way to say screw you to the secretary of the Navy.
I think most people are like me and thought it had some sort of connection to java or you know, something to do with coffee.
Yeah, well those are and those are other slang terms for coffee called java or jamoke is another term that people use for coffee. But no, the actual cup of joe was a way to protest, a silent protest the guy that was in charge of the Navy.
What was his last name?
Uh, well Daniels.
Could have been a cup of Daniels.
Yeah, a cup of D.
Yeah, a cup of D.
What do you having? I'm having a cup of D. That's when I'm having a big cup of D. Big big, big cup of DY.
That's wanted yours in a big metal cup.
Giant metal cock. Can I have a side of cod?
Peace?
Can I have a side of the cod. I can't have a side, all right, A very good nice All right, we'll get out on that, Danny, anything else you want to promote it? Saturday here, the fifteenth day of the great month of June, and just kind of hanging out, celebrating all the ridiculous holidays that are every day. There's something stupid. But yeah, we got the mail bag on Sunday.
I know that.
Let's get that look forward to.
This is the appetizer to Father's Day where most dads, especially back in the day, just wanted you to leave them the hell alone for the day. Yeah, just go away, good, leave me alone, be here in my underwear watching sports on TV. Yeah, no, just this fine podcast and be producing this today and then having hopefully relaxing Saturday with the kid. Yeah. I've been teaching him how to throw the ball. He's got this little soccer ball that has it looks like a turtle. It's got turtle designs on
the soccer ball. He co has been lifting the ball over his head and throwing it like he's trying to make a hoop. He's already got a shot equivalent to a WNBA player out. It's awesome. So I've like, I've been putting my hands out like a like a hoop, you know, and he's been throwing the ball, and I'm like, dude, you just turned ten months you're already shooting the ball. This is good news right here.
We at some point think about what world's gonna be like when he's able to play in the WNBA. He might be eligible to playing the WNBA, you know, but by then, who knows? Many will have the money.
Trevor Lawrence just got I'm gonna teach him how to throw a tight spiral and have average stats.
They just handing out money to everybody. You get paid, You get paid, You get paid. And we have a wonderful, glorious arrest of your day here on this Saturday, and we will catch you tomorrow.
Austa Pasta, my Felicia