The Fifth Hour: Apple Fritters & Cabin Jitters

Katbooms.

If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants of the old republic, a sole fashion of fairness. He treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the rich pill poppers in the penthouse. Wow, it's a clearinghouse of hot takes. Break free for something special. The Fifth Hour with Ben Mallard starts right now.

In the air eywhere, and a very good Saturday to you. It is the nineteenth day of October, and what was supposed to be Danny a celebratory situation that has been delayed, All right, that has been delayed.

Here Ben, I think that it was marching orders from the Dodgers' front office. They needed to make another billion dollars from all the fans at the stadium.

Yes, and I think a parking tomorrow at Dodger Stadium will be seven hundred dollars per car. I think this basing it up just gouge the fans even more.

One undercook Dodger Dog is thirteen dollars and ninety nine cents.

Yeah.

In fact, I was told I don't know if this is gonna happen or not. I was told that if you just look at a bucket of popcorn, that'll cost you five bucks, and if you smell it, that's ten bucks. So try not to smell or look at any popcorn at the game tomorrow.

But no, my theory on this is simple. TV for some reason.

I don't know why you'd want an extra game on Sunday, because you know, there's this thing called the NFL as each their own, so TV wanted an extra game and all that, And I'm fine. You know, it's more enjoyable for the home fans to watch them win the pennant and go to the.

World Series, so so be it. And but you saw it for a couple of games in a row. You saw the sad, depressed Mets fans and the crumpled, broke Grimace costumes at the end of losses. So they needed one smile from Mets fans on TV.

Now, is there a chance I want to go back to the to the game a couple couple of days ago. It was game four, I think it was with the Remember the shot they had on Fox of Grimace with the Medello. Could we see a partnership between Medello and McDonald's.

We have the Grimace shape.

Could we see like the the Medello Grimace beer or something like that. I don't know, but the Mexican will lose. It's just a matter do they lose tomorrow? Do they lose in game seven? I am my level of concern, the Mallard level of concern, Danny. I know all the storylines, and I one to ten. I am at a one and a half.

On the Mallar scale of concern. That's it.

Okay, all right, that makes me feel good.

Then, all right, but we have other business to get to. Nineteenth day of October we like to talk about dope holidays. Is National Fetch Day today eerf earf Yeah, yeah, something like that. It's a bridge day, so a big day for the Cleveland Guardians.

It is a National Bridge Day.

Wait, is that that old Ladies game bridge?

No?

No, no, this is actual the bridge, like the actual day to celebrate the bridge.

Nice, not the card game.

Yeah, this is I guess this goes back June nineteen seventy four.

Construction began on the new.

River Gorge Bridge and it was it was ended nineteen seventy seven, and so I guess it's really just for that bridge. The first jump a Buttan Irvin a minor first first to jump off the bridge a year before Bridge Day starts. I guess this is a day to jump off the bridge, but bungee jumping is banned. That's been banned for years on Bridge Day, so it's kind an hot holly to me.

What's your favorite bridge of all time?

Well, I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge and the Golden Gate Bridge, and I think the Brooklyn Bridge is cooler because when you I don't know, if you walk across the Golden Gate.

When you walk across the Golden Gate.

There's really nothing over there was like a little park, and then if you walk back, you're looking at the skyline of San Francisco, which is kind of cool. But when you go to Brooklyn, Brooklyn's pretty big, and you walk back you see the skyline of Manhattan.

And yeah, when you drive north of the Golden Gate Bridge, it's actually a nice area. Brooklyn Bridge, though, was the better walk. You're right, I got to walk on the Brooklyn Bridge years ago. And just the story of that bridge, if you look up the history of it and how it was made in the years and years they toiled are the people who died and building it. It's an insane.

Watern Wonders of the World or whatever.

Yeah, it really, it really is.

And having people sold the Brooklyn bridg before, like con men have said, hey.

We're going to sell the Brooklyn Bridge and it's worked out. We've told that story before.

On this podcast, you know, in the past and whatnot. So I wanted to begin today with a complaint. You know, this is our Saturday podcast, and I you know, the whole situation of the baseball playoffs and all that. Some cheap I haven't got my paycheck yet.

Well, this is an odd complaint.

This is one of those little complaints, the little things in life that annoy you. So the last this goes back actually a month. We had a conversation on the Overnight Show and it led me to say, I must get an apple fritter donut, an old fashioned apple fritter. That's the donut I want. And I I've been very regimented on my diet. As you know, you're not eating a lot of sugar. I'm not eating sugar these days either, not as much as you. But I are actually eat more.

Than you, I guess.

But it's I've cut back a lot. I don't bake during the football season. I'm just focused on not that it helps. I still look terrible on TV, but I just it's my thing. So I decided, you know, once in a while, rare and appropriate. I like to say, rare and appropriate, have some fun, live life. You know you're gonna check out. You won't be able to do any of that, and that's it. It's over lights out.

So I said, I want an apple fritter.

So the last three weekends and I got stuff going on. Wife makes plans things like that, and I'm like, I need that delicious deep fried cover, you know, a little cinnamon, mostly apple.

I need that.

And I've gone to the donut shop. Now, mind you, this is not the same don't shop. About a month ago I went, we sold our last apple fritter.

We don't have any.

The following week, I went back to a different donut shop. I said, hey, I'm here for the apple frinter. The nice lady she had the white bakery outfit on with the hat and all that, and she she looked at me and she said, well, unfortunately, you know, we don't have any right now.

So that upset. So last weekend.

I was like, all right, so I looked up did a little recon opposition research.

So I look up like the top apple fritter place.

In my area, and I'm like, well, this is known according to like you know, Yelp and these other gayzy food places.

I was looking at it. I just did a Google search, and I was like, this is the place.

I said, Okay, this is gonna be the place, So go out of my way to go to this place to get my apple fritter.

I go in very confident.

They have a full like the you know, the display case, the glass there with all the and man, they look good.

But I only I gotta be good to my diet. I want an apple.

Fore Now, if I get the apple fritter, maybe I'll buy something else. Maybe I'll buy a cinnamon roll, but I want the apple fritter. So I uh, hey, I'm here for the apple friter. I hear you guys have really good apple fritters.

We just sawd our last one. We don't have it. It's going to take a while for us to make more.

This sounds like a conspiracy against you.

There is a supply chain shortage of the apple fritter donut in my area, and it bothers me. This is an iconic piece of human history. The apple fritter goes back and back and back, the concept of frying the dough and the fruit and all that stuff.

It goes back to the Roman culture.

Do you understand, Danny, that this is something that our brothers and sisters of past generations have eaten.

They say that.

During the Middle Ages it became the popular donut in Europe. In England, medieval England, the apple fritter.

Well before that Bible times, Jesus took one apple fritter and made one hundred doughnut holes.

Well, and also how was Jesus able to walk on water and turn water to wine because of he had an apple fritter for breakfast and that crispy exterior, the soft moist center just a wonderful, wonderful meal. In fact, many of the Great Bible, the Great Bible mysteries and whatnot because of the apple frittle, because.

It wasn't Samson's hair, it was his diet.

Yeah, clearly, one hundred percent. I'm annoyed.

At some point today or tomorrow, I will yet again travel back to a donut shop and attempt to get the donut. And I am proud of myself, though, Danny, I want you to know, and I certainly want you listening to them, that the temptation when you go into a donut shop, the smell, it's like it's like a religious experience, right, It's like being in a tabernacle, a synagogue,

And I two of the three donut shops I went to, they just made.

Some donuts and I almost got some other donuts, but I held on. I said, I'm gonna wait for the apple fritter. And I did not think that it was going to take a month. And it's going to be over a month if I don't find one today. And I got stuff going on later on tonight, so I don't know if I'll be able to have time later today.

I got some stuff I gonna do with the wife.

So do you.

Understand my frustration, Danny? Do you realize it's a simple little thing.

It's this. I don't think I'm asking for much. I'm willing to pay for it. I'm not sure to steal it. I just want it.

I wanted an apple free er donut and I can't find a gd Apple free er donut and it really bothers me.

So I just wanted to point that out.

And I didn't realize that it was this popular that they only make a certain amount. Like if I was a donut shop, I'm saying, if I was in the donut business, wouldn't you try to consistently have fresh donors? Like I used to live in the San Gabriel Valley in LA there's a famous donut shop, donut Man, and donut Man is known for the tigertail donut, which is a cinnamon cake donut that's wrapped and it's the size of your forum.

Amazing.

I don't ever recall going in there where they didn't have them. They always had them, and that place is open twenty four hours a day. So I don't understand. Is somebody that works in big Donut let me know what's going on, because I'm not sure what's going You fill me in, give me some information.

So I want to complain about that.

There's a big problem in this country and I don't care who wins why I kind of do care. But whether it's Trump or Kamala, I demand whoever becomes president make sure the American people, the men, women and children have access to old fashioned apple fritters.

That's all I ask is that I.

Will make billions and billions and billions of.

And then congratulations. I will make apple fritters great again. I will make Did you see I think it's today?

Uh?

Did I read write that Antonio Brown? This is the third rail? Oh man, it's the third rail. Did I read that Antonio Brown is going to be speaking uh later today in Pennsylvania.

I saw that too at a Trump rally.

Wow.

There are so many cartoon people that are involved in politics.

It is unreal.

Man, on both sides, but it's just wacky. It is Antonio Brown. The billboard for CT is gonna be. I can only imagine. Is he gonna throw the gummy shape like penises at the crowd there if he doesn't get applause?

Is that going to happen? I kid, because I care well.

A lot of us we follow Antonio Brown social media now just to see what he'll say next. And so if you are one of the ones that follows him on social media. You know that he's been all about Trump because he said Trump, That's when I made a lot of money, Biden, That's when I went broke. So he's been on team Trump online for a while.

Yeah, well, ab I don't know if that's true, but I do know that in my life, and I would say your life as well, Danny, we will not see an exit from the NFL without the grandiosity, the rasmatazz of Antonio Brown. When he took off his uniform and through stuff in the crowd, did jump Jackson the end zone.

As he exited staita Ave New Jersey.

That is one of the all time great moments in recent NFL history and will likely never be duplicated, not in our watch.

So tremendous.

And now Antonio Brown, once he's done with that, speaking as the keynote speaker today at that Trump rally, he can go cruising through Christmas. I guess right, Danny, he could do that. I could be next on his agenda. Yeah, with his shirt off and his bird up, you know, bird up. I don't have to do that potentially here for this cruise bend because there is no flight involved. As you know, my better half is a travel agent, and so she's got this big discount on a cruise for Christmas.

Now is this on the actual Christmas or around Christmas?

On actual Christmas? And that's kind of the plan because if you are a parent, listen up and not to put you on the spot bend because they said there'd be no math in radio. So how many pay periods do we have left until Christmas? Slash Hanukkah for you?

Well, that's very depressing, Danny, as you know, and I try not to look at that because it kind of makes me a downer.

But not many? How about that? Not many?

It's like four? Maybe we don't have that many pay periods left until Christmas. And that's concerning. Like most of the country, paycheck to paycheck, you have to cut out a little bit of money from each check before you get to that part of December, so that you have gifts for the kids, yeah, and your significant other. So forget the stupid gifts, forget the stocking stuffers and all that. I'm not going to do any of that. I can get us a great deal on this cruise where we

Oh okay. Have you never been on a cruise?

Never been on a cruise. And one of the reasons why I don't know if I could do those small cruise cabins.

How smart. I've never done a cruise either. I've been.

The closest I've been is on the Queen Mary, and it scared me, just on the Queen Mary. And I know that's an old ship and it's not used anymore and all that. And I've heard some of my wife's some of the in laws love going on cruises.

They go on cruises all the time.

But yeah, they're pretty small, right the cab unless you have to pay, Yeah, you get a real size cabin.

Right, And we could pay extra. I don't. Maybe with my iHeart bonus, maybe I can get a balcony.

You might be able to get an extra pillow, possibly pillow.

But then again, we have a one year old who's going to be in our room with us, so we probably don't want a balcony.

Seems like a fair birth thing.

Yeah, I have to take that into consideration. But she showed me online the size of these rooms and and the argument is always, well, you don't spend very much time in those rooms. You're walking through the ship. They have all this entertainment lined up for you non stop. There's buffet after buffet. The positive is all the food is taken care of. You know. The only thing you have to pay extra for is any alcohol you might consume.

Gotcha, I got you, all right.

So a couple questions first, of all, is this already paid for? Did the wife already get this? Or is this still in negotiation. It's still in the negotiation period, all right.

And which way, it sounds like you're leaning to not do.

It, you know, the old saying happy wife, pissed off husband pretty much.

The other thing is, I know you're on a very strict diet. And my position, unpopular position, is there is no reason to go on a cruise ship unless you're just gonna let let yourself go and go in goblin mode for a week and just enjoy the hell out of everything on that boat and eat massive quantities of pancakes and whatever the hell else they have on there. Otherwise, to me, and it's just me, I would be like, why would you do that? Because that's the whole point.

You eat, you eat.

You eat, you eat, you eat, you eat, you.

Eat, and by the time the boat comes back, it's like a catial auction. When everyone's walking off the boat, right the boat weighs a lot more and the whole thing. So are you planning on if you do this pausing your diet for a week and then resuming it when you get back.

You basically just said fat asses go on cruises.

I'm saying the the whole point of it would be too, because that's where you get your money bag. It's it's yeah, the food's all. It's all inclusive, right as I understand it.

Everything's except out sure, yeah, the food's all covered in your price to get on the ship. It's a great point. You do have to loosen your belt or not wear one for an entire week, and then when you get back.

What you do is bring the eye heartmomu is what you should bring.

This would be a great time to test out ozempic maybe uh no back yeah yeah yeah yeah. Not during it, I think you'd be puking overboard the whole time, but maybe right after the cruise.

What you should do, Danny, is pretend you're a butterball turkey and Thanksgivings coming up, and you know you got to fatten up those butterball turkeys before Thanksgiving.

Me, well, you know you brought up turkey. That's a great point I think in general, we all overeat around that time of the year. Anyways, this might actually be a good week for that.

All right, I want my chicken. Yeah, I know, I I you know.

We're at the age you're going to enjoy life. You got a young son, you know, Yeah, the whole thing. You know, you deal with all that drama, rama and all that. What's the down the line?

So and look at input from any of our listeners how to deal with a small, small room like that if you are claustrophobic, because the only thing I'm worried about. And I would totally give her the thumbs up on this if I wasn't so worried about going stir crazy in that little room.

Yeah, so, I'm not sure how it works.

I would assume that you can walk around the ship at all hours.

Of the day, right, you don't have to be in the room at night.

You can walk around on the deck or whatever your heart desires.

I would think there's no.

One I wondered about that too. I'm gonna have to ask her that.

My advice would be to just sleep in the room and that's it. As soon as you get up, maybe you take a shower and get the hell out ounce. Yeah, or you could also do the sleep mask thing. If you wear a sleep mask, you don't know what the hell room you're in. You just wear a mask and all that. I'm too claustrophobic to have a sleep mask on.

Oh really man.

Yeah, Well, I've slept during the day for my entire adult life, so I have to have like blackout curtains. But that don't really work that well. I got the sleep mask. I got ear plugs, but only one ear plugs. My right ear is bad, so I can't put that in there, or else I get orange goo in my ear, so I left ear.

You know a lot of stuff going on.

By the way, these little cabins they have one little window and it doesn't open. I mean, obviously you probably wouldn't want that window to open.

But it's a round window, like don all the boats they've.

The round Yeah. You can see the water out, you can see the ocean outside, but can't even get any fresh air. So that concerns me. I don't know if there's any tricks. Let me know, Maybe there's a magic pill I can take.

Well. Our listeners definitely know all the magic pills, Danny.

They're one thing the listeners to this podcast and my overnight show and your show with Covino and Rich. They they know I'm on drugs right now. Man, they know a thing or two about pills. Real fifth Hour at gmail dot com. By the way, Real fifth hourgmail dot com. If you want to send in a message, what's the right word I'm looking for?

Here a one of those. I can't believe it, Mamas.

The other night, after the Thursday night games, holy yeah, kind of a holy shit brom So. The other night on Thursday, the Saints played the Broncos and what much of a game Broncos one day whatever.

So after the game, Jim Mora, our old.

Colleague at Fox Sports Radio, goes on local TV in New Orleans playoffs. Yeah, starts ranting a rim we couldn't do Diddley Pooh on office and I was like, oh, Gym's looking great.

He's eighty nine years old.

He's still doing local TV in New Orleans breaking down the Saints game. And he got all worked up into a lather because one of the talking head guys on the TV show there was a guy and a woman on there and local TV in New Orleans.

I saw the clip online and the I was like, this is the funeral.

The season's over because the Saints have lost five in a row. And Mora comes out there. It's not over. It's not over for the players, it's not over the coaches.

He goes on this.

It was hilarious.

It's classic. He has not lost his fastball. So and then I was like, well, I said on the radio show. I was like, oh, it was the Friday show. I just had Jim on my podcast. I got the last year year or two and Alf went and looked it up. It's been like four years since we had Jim on the podcast. So I have to at some point get Jim back on the podcast sooner than later, and I'll have to give him a buzz here. But he was outstanding and we talk some football with a great Jim Moore.

I heard something about this. The Midwest is very excited.

Yeah, I'm fired up. I talked about it on yesterday's podcast. But we're doing a Midwestern Malor meet and greet. I'm returning to Calsa City. And now I know this is enemy territory for you as a Raider fan, Danny, I get that now.

But they have wonderful food and beautiful people.

Yes, it's a great place on God's for you on Earth, and more importantly, good sports radio. So this has nothing to do with Fox Sports Radio. Fox Sports Radio doesn't send me anywhere. Okay, there is no budget for me to go anywhere. But this is the local affiliate that is such a big fan of ours and the Overnight show that they're flying me in to Kansas City for a Malor meet and greet.

We're gonna do this again. Yesterday's podcast, the Friday Podcast, we went over everything.

I will not bore you with all the details, but it is going to be mid not even mid November, I guess is early November.

The actual date to who, what, where, when? Why? All that stuff?

November ninth, which is going to be here before you know it, Saturday at the landing in Liberty, Missouri, and cover your ears, Danny. But then I'll be meeting listeners on that. We don't have the exact time down yet, I'll let you know. But then on Sunday, I am going to take the rare and appropriate night off from the Overnight Show because I have been invited to hang out at the stadium there Arrowhead. I've never been and check out a Chiefs game, so I'm looking forward to that.

The Chiefs and all that back in the day.

So I'm excited about that and I'm looking forward to it that weekend. So hopefully if you're in Kansas City or within reasonable driving.

Distance, Yeah, you and I remember the Chiefs when their best player was Harvey Williams.

Well, the Nigeria Nightmare?

The great is your face going to get TV time next to Taylor Swift?

I forget Taylor Swift. It's all about you, Overnight radio guy. That's what it's all about. Who knows if she's going to be there. I have no idea, but I'm excited. I mean a lot of barbecue, a lot of Ben Mallord chicken fingers, and I'm concerned though. My wife, I'm sure we'll talk more about this what to where she's already concerned about the wardrobe for the weekend, like we have to, we have to have the right wardrobe for

And would they have to change their name to the Kansas Chiefs.

No.

No, I think I talked about summer maybe on the on the radio show. But there there is a Kansas City, Kansas.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah, And the.

Weird thing about Kansas City is right, it's right on the border with Missouri and Kansas. So there's a Kansas City, Kansas where the Royals, the Royals and Chiefs play. But right across there's train tracks, and then across the train tracks is Kansas, and there's a Kansas City, Kansas.

So it would be perfect.

This is the greatest team relocation of all time because it's not that far. It's not forty miles maybe not even where they're talking about building a stadium, and you don't have to change the name, and the name is still appropriate. It's just Missouri. It goes from Missouri to Kansas. So anyway, that's that's down the line. But that's the meet and greet. I did want, well, you know what, don't we say? I guess some other stuff. We'll do

Sounds good? We have a lot in store for you on a mail bag Sunday.

Absolutely have a wonderful and we'll probably do some other nonsense. But have a wonderful, wonderful, glorious rest of your Saturday and we'll chat with you tomorrow. Maybe I'll get my apple Fritter, I don't know. Later today we'll see now Austa pasta my folation