Sod God

because four hours a night are not enough. Eight days a week from the Mallard podcast studio at a secret location deep in the north Woods, no disengagement. You get the radio show five nights a week, and on the weekend you get this. I hope you enjoyed our trip down memory lane. As my old mentor hacks I would say,

we caught up with the great Danny G. Radio. He was on the Friday edition of the Fifth Hour with Ben Mallory and my add passed with Flying Colors, Passed with Flying Colors was great to catch up in here some old radio war stories from Danny G. But on this edition of the Fifth Hour, a brief look at the menu we are serving up in Benny's Bistro. We've got the glass Man, sod God, and Magical Date, and some other things that will pop up as well on this the Saturday edition of the Fifth Hour, so we

begin with the glass Man. So the Saturday podcast, it has been determined, is about the life of Mallard, which is not that interesting. Might add not that interesting the life of Mallard, but I have some random things that happened. So I don't usually talk about this stuff on the radio show, and people seem to want to know about it,

so I'll share some stories here. And this past weekend, I am still working on the renovation of the new Mallard mansion I've moved in a couple of months ago, Mallard Mansion two point oh, the salvage and recovery portion of the story. So this past weekend was Operation Backyard Now, cleaning up the mess left by our contractors, and the contractors did a very good job. They're not done, but

they're done with the big heavy stuff. There's only some minor cosmetic things that need to work on and so behind. In their wake, they left a bunch of random crap, most of it in the backyard, most of it in the backyard, And so I've been cleaning up the mess. Just started cleaning up the mess left by the contractors. What a pain in the tookis in the tushi, uh, cleaning up random things. Now, they had been mixing in

the backyard grout and cement. There was like a grout cement thing that was going on, and somehow a lot of it ended up on what was supposed to be in a normal backyard, the lawn, the grass. All right, So the lawn has this layer of this white cement grout kind of grayish. I don't even know really what it is. It's some combination of those two things. So they were mixing the stuff together in the backyard, just

gonna paint the picture a bird's eye view. So they're mixing this stuff in the backyard doing the renovation on the back of the house, and they, in their haste to get stuff done, they just poured a lot of it out on what was the grass, and they ended up covering a lot of the lawn with this layer that hardened over time. And so yeah, I had to take a shovel, bang, bang and start breaking this crap up, and so so I went to, as I said, a salvage and recovery mission, trying to recover the backyard and

salvage what I could of the backyard. But that was the least of my problems, right, that was the least of my problems. So there's there was a concrete area. There is patio area in the backyard at the Mallard mansion. And in the renovation of the house, the fellas had tossed the glass window you know, big giant windows on the side of the house. They had tossed those down from the very top of the house down on the floor of the house on the backyard. Uh. They claimed

that the windows were so old. How old were they? They were so old at the house that they had to be popped out. That was the claim that was made. Well in doing that, what do you think happen? You knock a window out and glass goes shattering into thousands of pieces, thousands and thousands of pieces. Now, I just spend much time back there, didn't realize the amount of glass. I had heard stories from the wife that there was

a lot of glass. So my job, in addition to trying to break up the hardened layer of crowd slash cement. My other job was to dig around and try to find all the glass that was also mixed in with this. So it was a complete pain in the ass. So I went in. I pulled out the shot back I had that, I had the broom, and then I just had my eyes and I rolled up my sleeves and I was like, all right, I'm gonna get dirty. It's the weekend. I don't have to talk talk talk talk

talk talk. I can just go about my life and do the things that I need to do here and fix fix backyard. And this is a job that needs to be done and I need to do it. So I I had the shop. Fact as I mentioned, I had the broom, rolled up my sleeves, got my finger nails dirty, and as I was cleaning up the glass,

I was becoming the glass man. Some of the pieces had fused to the concrete, the layer of concrete that was already there the actual backyard patio area, not the grass area, which was also covered with the groutcome concrete mix. There will be a quiz on this later. So again, so there's glass everywhere. It's a complete shit show. There's pieces of glass that had fused the concrete. Because during the summertime, when it was hot and the glass had been thrown down, we just left it there. We didn't

worry about it because they were still doing construction. The heat baked the glass and the glass then stuck to the concrete. So in an effort to pull the glass off, I'm down there on my hands and knees and I'm whistling away and I'm trying to pull the glass off the concrete, which is now stuck to the concrete. So my wife walks over. She sees what I'm doing, and she's thinking in her head, I'm imagining, what a loser this guy is. There's a better way to do this.

Why is he down there on his hands and knees trying to pull the glass up. So I point out to my wife. I said, listen, I don't know how long this stuff has been down here, but this stuff has been baked. And it's not the kind of bake where you got to Mary Jane. It's baked and it's stuck to the concrete. We gotta get it off sharp shards of glass. So she says, she sees me doing this, and she says you gotta be careful, don't get cut. You're gonna cut yourself the way you're doing it in

hand to God. Within less than thirty seconds, probably less than ten seconds, I go down to pull up another shot of glass that is stuck like it's vel crowd to the concrete. And sure enough I slice my right index finger. And when I say slice, it is a clear slice. We've got blood squirting out of the finger like a prop at Halloween. Good times, good times. And so I I skidaddle into the house. I run to

the bathroom, warm water, scrub a dub dub. I cover my finger with a piece of cloth and then squeeze, put pressure on the finger. See, I learned first date when I was a cub scout and a boy scout. I learned basic first date. So I've got I'm not sliced up my index finger, luckily. If there is a good part to this story. As the glass man, I cut it on a piece of glass that'd been down there for a while. I had my tetness shots and all.

I don't think you can get tetnics from glass. But it was a solid slice that allowed need to avoid It didn't hit any major major stuff. I didn't chop my finger off or anything like that. It was not big enough where I needed stitches. It was like in that gray area where you know, you go either way. Maybe a few stitches, maybe not. And so I hope it's like Spider Man. I hope it's like Spider Man. You know, Spider Man bitten by a spider and had these amazing powers. So what would glass Man have. What

kind of power would glass Man have? Would there be some kind of magical superpower, some mystical power. I'm not sure about that, but I did feel like a blithering idiot when my wife says, hey, watch out for that. It reminded me of one of my favorite stories. He's even watch out for that. Don't cut yourself and then boom, I cut myself. One of my favorite stories of all

time though. And I don't know if I've told this before in the podcast or not, but when I was early on in my career as a radio reporter, so long ago, there was a team called the Montreal Expos and they were in l A playing the Dodgers. The Dodgers had this star pitcher from Japan named today O Nomo, who was a big deal they called it normal Mania, big rock Star and huge crowds when this guy pitched.

So I'm in the press box, I'm covering the game, and the game had so much media attention it was like a Saturday night game that they had to move some of the broadcast crews into the main press box where normally you have radio row in the back. You've got some TV guys on one side, and a lot of writers, a lot of scribes. And so this night, as I remember it, the Dodgers are playing. The Expo

said Normo's pitching. It's on network television local TV. And the old Montreal Expos had a French broadcast, they had the English broadcast, the Dodgers had Spanish, they had English, the whole thing. So there's a lot of interest in this. There was an Asian you know, feedback to Japan with the broadcast, so it was a big deal. But network radio calling the game. Network radio calling the game, and so they moved the network radio broadcasters into the main

press part because there was no other room. And I remember who was doing the game because it was one of the funniest things that that happened. Jerry Coleman may he rest in Peace, the old voice of the San Diego Padres and a former Yankee Jerry Coleman, Oh doctor, and I'm back in back in those days. So he's doing the game Gary Cohen, who is a New York Mets broadcaster played by play Guy on TV. He's there also doing the network broadcast and uh and very popular

New York. He's a native New Yorker. They love him there and he's very good at his job. But this is he's doing network radio. It's a Saturday night as years ago, and it's a cool night. It's kind of a cool night and Jerry, in between innings, Jerry Coleman goes over to get a cup of coffee and he's walking back through the press box to go down. They were in the front row the Network radio broadcast. So

Jerry's walking back with a cup of coffee. He's got a couple of papers like game notes that that he had and he's now doing a balancing act. He's now like he's in the in the circus. He's doing a balancing act. So instead of just holding the cup of coffee in one hand, the papers and the other my man, Jerry, he says, you know, I'm gonna what I'm gonna do here, I'm gonna hold the pieces of paper and I'm gonna put the coffee on top like it's a dish, but

it's just pieces of paper. And so as Jerry turns the corner to make it down to the broadcast position in the press box, the main press box, Steve Cohen sitting uh, Gary Cohen rather Gary Cohen is sitting down there, and Paul Bear, who also passed away, the longtime radio engineer. Paul Bear says, watch, Jerry's gonna spill the coffee, and within seconds, much like my incident in the backyard, Jerry that he only has one step to walk down, He

stumbles and the papers go flying one direction. But more importantly, the boiling hot McDonald's style coffee goes all over the back of Gary Cohen, who's the other play by play guy. Now keep away. They're in a commercial break. They're about to come back to do the game. Gary is in agony. He's screaming, he's oh my god, this is horrible paint. He's at boiling coffee. He did not expect a surprise shot. He's ambushed by the coffee. This is horrible and it

was just me and I remember I was laughing. I was trying not to laugh. We were all trying not to laugh. All the radio row was trying not to laugh because it was the funniest thing, just the way that Paul the engineer it said watch out, Jerry's gonna spill the coffee. And then it got even more crazy. Alright, so they come back from commercial and they just pretend like nothing happened. It was. It was a CBS radio

sports broadcast that they called it. So he Jerry comes back, they do the play, but he's doing the play by play, Gary is withering in agony from just being burned from the coffee. And so then some paramedics show up because the guy's got burns, and they're like, we're gonna check him out. Well. Gary Cohen, the Met's broadcaster, then takes off his shirt because they had to examine the burns. So he's sitting in the press box. His back looked like the map of Africa with all the different outlines

of the countries and all that all bubbling up. His skin was bubbling up bright red, just horrible. And he put the headset back on and Jerry Coleman starts talking

to him. It was. It was craziness as I remember it, and so I just I can only imagine if you were sitting in the crowd that night and you're like, you're just doing your own thing, and you know, la la la la la la la la la la la la la, and you get coffee port on you, and then you're in the crowd and you look up to the press box and you see a broadcaster calling a game on radio, and then right next to him another broadcaster who's got a headset on but no shirt, and uh,

it was it was quite quite the tail that's randomly popped in my all. Right. Now, as far as the sod god in the story, I just related to you a few minutes ago in a sorry about the glass, and I mentioned that the backyard covered in a layer of grout, a layer of concrete. So my plan for the new Mallard mansion is to make it an outdoor oasis, a casablanca. In order to do that, there's a lot of work that needs to be done. Now, you have helped me, maybe not you, but the fellow listeners have

helped me with home remedies. Some I have to buy for the mosquitoes to get rid of the mosquitoes. Now, a lot of the mosquitos have already left because the weather got cooler in the north Woods, and I'm sure they'll be back as soon as it heats up again. Regardless of that. Uh, since I am focused on making this my little garden of Eden, I've decided the back in front of the Mallard mansion looked like shantytown right now. It does not look good. So I have decided on

the fifty fifty split. Now what is the fifty fifty split on this? I'll tell you what the split is. I'm glad you asked. So the front is going to have professional side put down, very expensive side, and gardener will be brought in with his team and will put the side down, and then we will stay off the side for several weeks, will water the side religiously, and then we will be good to go. But the back of the north Woods Mallard Mansion will be a d

i y situation. Do it yourself. And in preparation for this, I have been watching several YouTube videos on how to become the sod god, the god of sad, and so I've determined through my copious amounts of research, I have determined that it is a ten step process or process. So some of you, and maybe it's you are very handy and you're useful and you're not useless like I am. Where I do is talk and you do this kind of stuff all the time. But this is a new

area for me. At the old Malor mansion, we didn't have to worry about this. It was all set up nice and pretty and we didn't have any worry it. So the ten steps are and you can email me at Real fifth Hour at gmail dot com, Real fifth Hour at gmail dot com or Ben Maller Show at gmail dot com and tell me if I'm right on this. So this is I just jotted down some notes here, just a few notes in my chicken scratch from the different YouTube videos that I've watched on how to become

the sod God. So, according to the videos, step number one they say you're supposed to start in the fall. Now I don't know about that. I thought you're supposed starting to spring, but several the videos said starting to fall. But I live in a place where they don't really have fall, so I don't think that makes much sense. The first thing you have to do is kill the weeds. Kill the weeds. Now, I'm not sure how this works because the lawn right now is covered in that grout

concrete mix. I picked a lot of it up. There's still a lot there. There are a few weeds, so I guess I gotta take care of that, but I have to get the concrete out also, So that's step number two. Kill the weeds and in my case, take care of the grout and the concrete. Step number three aerate the lawn. That's a fancy word for dig holes. A lot of holes. Okay, So that's that's aerating the lawn. So I gotta buy something from home deep or whatever to do that. I think you can just buy a

metal contraption or you can rent it. And I that that's when I'm leaning towards at this point, so that when we step number three, so you've made holes all over the lawn, you've taken the weeds away. The next step is to buy grass seed. Now that's important. You gotta buy a fifty fifty I'm told you gotta buy grass seed that is good in the sun and good

and obviously the shade. So you've got to get that you then drop the grass seed into all the holes that you've made on the lawn, very aerating the lawn. If I'm boring you, just fast forward through the podcast. So that's step number four. Step number five, you gotta apply starter fertilizer, not savvy veteran fertilizer, a new Ubi newby newby, Neuby fertilizer. Check. Then you have to water two or three times a day. Check check check. Stay off the lawn. Kind of obvious that step number seven

you have to mow. I have to wait a month to mow, give it the Uncle Moe treatment, and then after two months you can mow every week if you so desire, and they tell you the exact member measurement, according to YouTube is two and a half to three and a half inches high. And then after every six weeks you're supposed to put more fertilizer down. Now, the odds that I follow all ten of these steps slim

to none, and Slim has left the building. I'm pretty sure I will do the first five, actually the first six, and for seven, for seven, and maybe even number eight, number nine and number ten. I'm not sure that I will still do that, but my goal is to become the side gun, and I will take photo graphs and I will put some of this stuff. I'm not gonna put a living on because I don't want you to know where I live, but I'll take some strategic photos and I will show you the before and after, before

and after of the backyard of the Mallard match. So as soon as I get this thing going, I will make sure to do it and I will let you know. All right. Moving on from that, we have the magical date. Now, what is the magical date? Is it? My birthday? Is the wedding date? Is it? What is it? No? Uh, the magical date? Now, everyone has important dates in their lives, certain events. Human beings are fascinated by patterns, patternicity and

also dates, right, random dates, They're important life events. For me, I had one of those magical dates passed by on the calendar. Uh. This is back on Wednesday, so hump day. And it was November third, big day for me. And why is November three a big day? That is always for the rest of my life as long as I'm around, going to be a special day because that was my

dear old mother's birthday. May she rest in peace. She would have turned seventy five years old my mom, and I wonder what she would have been like if she had made it and been seventy five and with all the stuff that's happened in the world, and just chatting with mom and wondering what that's like and so would have had a big birthday party, I'm sure, and it would have been great and just cake and balloons and

birthday cards and presents and all that. Unfortunately, my mom passed away a number of years ago, but I always make sure to honor my mom on her birthday. That's an important day, and so you know, even though she's been gone for a while, it's important. And there's also an odd bit of serendipity in my life that November three not only a big day because my Mom's birth day, but also the anniversary of the big operation. What is

the big operation? That would be my big operation? A couple of years back, twenty nineteen before the world shut down with COVID, I had a gall stone attack and I got taken to the hospital gall bladder surgery. I spent a week in the hospital and I still feel the after effects of that. Not having a gall bladder, but my operation was on November three, was an NFL Sunday. I remember going under as it was this it was late afternoon and it was an NFL Sunday, and I

missed the entire day in the NFL. I remember being bummed out about that. I then woke up groggy, and it was the Patriots were playing the Ravens, Tom Brady's Patriots versus the Ravens and Lamar Jackson, and they got charred, roiled, spit roasted, Molly wop curb stomped. I remember that vaguely. I remember waking up saying, holy crap, I can't believe. I can't believe what happened here. That's absolutely insane. What happened? By the way, Doc Mike just calling me. I'm Doc,

I'm recording a podcast. Doc. What are you doing? You're killing me? Doc. Anyway, so that November three also the anniversary of my my operation, and so, uh, I gotta tell you that operation is pretty normal. A lot of people their gallbladder taking out. My problem is, I'm such a knuckle head, I'm so bullheaded as a Taurus that I waited too long. I waited too long to be checked out. And so that's a pretty standard operating procedure type.

It's like an assembly line. Doctors will tell you in the emergency room with a gallbladder, it's a common thing, but it's not common when you wait, it's it's complications. I had so many gall stones it was like shrapnel all over that part of my body, and so they needed to pick those little needles, little gall stones out of the haystack. Good times, good times, indeed. But anyway, that was the third day of November, the big day in my life. A couple of other things. Now we're

not going to do a full let's get scientifical. We're not gonna do that. But there were a couple of stories. And I don't even know if this is a style. I don't know if this is a science story or just an animal story. This is one of those things that should probably be an animal thunderdome. We had Danny g on yesterday and Danny talked about animal stories, and we talked about how together people love animal story stories

about dogs, cats, you name it. This one is so wild you'd think it was fake, Like you'd think this is a bogus story, but we we take you to Brazil. We take you to Brazil and a story of a random man in Brazil who was having a really bad day. He was having a really bad day and it turned into a fatal day for this guy. Let me, let me give you the story. So this dude in Brazil's thirty year old guy in Brazil, and he's out there fishing with his buddies and he's in doing doing his thing,

and he gets attacked by a swarm of bees. I don't think they were murder hornets. I think they were just beas. And so this guy's like, I gotta get it. I gotta get away from these bees. So he did what most people would think would be the right thing to do. He's being chased by the mob of bees. He's in Brazil. He jumps into a lake. The guy was, of course, fishing with his buddies. So this dude jumps into a farm lake in you know, a small part of Brazil, off the beaten path, and so he goes

into the water to avoid the bees. He ends up drowning and being eaten by piranhas. Can you imagine? Does that sound like a horror film? That sounds like a nineteen nineties comedy old school comedy where that's Vaudevillian is what that is. Vaudvillian is a terrible and the guy the guy died. But you imagine having bad like well, I guess what's your time? At your time? But you get away from the bees and then tell here the piranhas chop chop chop. I'd like to eat. I'd like

to bite to eat? Can I can I have a bite? Yeah? Brutal? All right, now this is a story that relates to us. Now again not a full let's get scientifical, but why do some people sleep walk? Have you ever been around a sleepwalker? Maybe you're a sleepwalker. I've been around a few sleep walkers over the years. And when I moved out of the Mallard mansion, originally I had some roommates and you know, sleepovers or whatever. I was a kid,

we had we had occasional sleepwalkers. Occasional sleepwalkers. So why does some people sleep walk? Well? According to a new study out of Montreal, Quebec, sleepwalking, according to the scientists, is a phenomena that has intrigued this as people for years. Neurologists have examined the human brain in search of an

explanation but have found no solid answer. But now, according to this new study out of Montreal, it has revealed that sleepwalking may that's a weeze a word, may have a lot to do with a person's fight or flight response, specifically those who display lower fight or flight reaction as they sleep and more nervous system response tied to relaxation. People that have that are more prone to go for

a nice walk. While Unconscious says sleepwalking is a condition in which the person does not enter the rapid eye movement or rem sleep stage in adults, they say it occurs in less than five of people. Scientist say sleepwalkers usually find it difficult to stay awake the day after an episode due to exhaustion from lack of sleep. Well, I know all about that lack of sleep during the overnight show. But there you go. Too much relaxation maybe a factor. Blame it on that and fight or flight,

fight or flight. Let me do one more, one more of these. Let's get scientifical stories a small version. Morality is blank? Morality is blank? Is it genetic? This story comes out of Washington? You know, listen, we all know different activities casual making whoopee a little weekend, the snow run, doing the recreational drugs all that. Uh, it's it's it's one of these things that the certain people are more

prone to than others. Right, the great moral debate, Right, what is more moral for one person is a moral for another? And what is a moral is moral? You know, with vice versa, vice versus So researchers with the Association of Psychology Science wherever that is sounds official, they report that there may be may as again and we as a word very popular in these studies, there may be a common genetic basis that influences individual opinions on non

committal sex and the use of drugs recreationally. According to the findings, they hold major implications towards modern sciences understanding on how genes a k a. Heredity contribute to opinions

and moral values. So their argument is that you are born, and from the moment of birth, you are more likely, based on your genes to be out there like the Great Wilt Chamberlain with the twenty thousand ladies or two on the weekend to have a little baggy a coke or whatever it might be, whatever your drug of choices. So I don't I don't buy this. I think it's to me, it's more of how you were raised. That's

my position on it. Now they claim differently, and they're the scientists and all that, and they study this stuff, but I I really believe it's more about the family upbringing and you know, when you were a kid being taught you can't do this, you can't do that, and instilling it. Whereas if you're in a family where it's not quite the same and you're just kind a little looser than that, you're more prone to do that stuff. I don't I don't buy this. So I'm gonna give

thumbs down on this study. It's that old nature versus nurture. I'm going nurture on this. I'm going nurture on this one. I'm not going nature. Scientist is saying it's nature. I'm going nurture. Anyway. That'll do it. For the Saturday podcasts, just about don't forget Cameo, Cameo Cameo. If you're a fan of the radio show and you're obviously are you listen to the Dopey podcast on a Saturday, What's going

on with you? But cameo dot com search my name Ben Maller m A L L E R. If you want to personalize matter monologue or just a pep talk, whatever it might be, I am at your can call for a nominal fee. And unlike the price of gas, and unlike the price of bread and milk and all this other stuff, I have not raised my prices. I've done so. I am at your your your back in calls, I said so. If you want to have a cameo, hit me up. We'll have the Mailback podcast on Sunday Sunday.

Sunday Sunday, have a wonderful, glorious arrest of your Saturday and we'll catch you next time.