Shit Storm

provide you marginal podcast quality even on the weekends. It's eight days a week now the radio show as you should be listening to five days a week. And then on Friday you get a double header action. It's like

a Marlin schedule or Cardinal schedule. You get a twin bill because not only can you listen to the four hours of content packaged for you on the I Heart and other platforms the podcast, the Ben Mallory Radio Show, but you get this dopey podcast as well, because four hours during the night during the week clearly not enough. And we thank you for supporting the podcast. You guys have been great. The numbers have been up all year. Uh since we started doing three a week. We were

doing one or two. We were doing like one, and then we did two and they were laugh, screw it, We'll just do three. And the numbers have been been up on that. So good job by you, and for better or worse, and likely for worse, I joined yet again by David Gascon, who's right over there making his way into the microphone as we speak. Right now, he's gonna literally go inside the microphone into the Matrix. Is that what it is? You've been watching some new trailers

on on the Matrix four? Is that what you're thinking right now? Uh? Yeah, Well, yeah, I'm a big Matrix. Although I've only watched the first Matrix. How about that? I cannot watch the other ones. That's the first one. I was told that was the one to watch. And I quote the Matrix quite a bit. There's a lot of good stuff in there, the Red Pill, the Blue Pin. I also say that Twitter is like the Matrix because it's a different world. People think that's real, but it's not.

So the question is, and since you've watched that one episode of the Matrix, and I know all the men out there can relate to this, who would you identify as the woman in the red dress. Is that Mrs Maller? Wow, look at you as wait, wait, hold on a second. We're less than three minutes into the podcast and already a reference to the wife. I mean, guess gun, you're

adding to your shady reputation. Listen on this podcast. I do need to give her a big shout out because why she gave me She actually gave me a couple of birthday presents. No, no, she did. No no, no, no, no, no, no no no. That was from the mouth or family. Yeah, but that's that was from the mouth. We know who that's from. Like, no, okay, I'm very thoughtful. What did she give me? Or what did you guys give me? Who got you a book? He did? What was the title of the book? I don't I don't need to

promote the book. They gotta buy advertising for that. IM Well, it was two bucks actually, and it wasn't just I was. I sent one she sent Okay, that's what happened. So's that's how that works there. I think, you know, I'm very generous. I'm very giving. I know there's reputation being a tight wad like that. Man, Well, you're like, I'm like Santa Claus. Alright, I'm like, I'm Santa Claus. Okay, so like you're spat ho ho ho ho ho ho

ho ho. And yet for some reason they think of me that I'm always on a shoestring budget and uh in frugal and all this. No, couldn't be further from the truth. I'm your seasonal frugal. Then we'll say that, how about that your seasonal when it comes to spending, and your seasonal it comes to being frugal. I don't know what you're talking about. You know. I I use all of the toothpaste, I spread the butter thin, I

watered down the soup, I do all that stuff. You know, there's certain times we talked about dining, and there's nights that you want to go cheap and go to those tacos. Those other nights you want splurts a little bit, not like Hills. No, you're you're the guy that loves to

just flush money away at the restaurants. I have said this, And I remember when I was driving to spring training from l A to Arizona, not the Florida one, but to Arizona for the cover spring training one year, and I stopped at this truck stop on the Arizona California board was on the Arizona side because I get gas and I get a bite to eat, and it was the fucking greatest meal I had had in uh, you know, years.

And I was like, this is a truck stop in the middle of a desert town on the California Arizona border. I'm I and it was cheap and it was wonderful like and then these idiots have to go to the they need the ambiance, they need they need that kind of stuff, so they go to these nice restaurants and you get get bent over. I mean, yeah, come on, that's the grease, the grease food man. That's that's soul

for the for the stomach. That's why the truck driver. Well, no, that you know, and I've talked about this many times. The three food groups that are the most important are salt, sugar, and fat. And no I've read books on this because I like this kind of stuff because I'm a loser. But the people that make mass produce foods in this country, they spend millions of dollars. They call it the bliss point, and it's that it's that proper ratio of sugar fat.

I'm not kidding, sugar, fat, and salt. And there are people that are dedicated this, like like the food scientists to try to find that Goldilocks zone for the proper amount of sugar, salt, and fat. But I've always believed gascon that what I have going right now in my life is the perfect way to do this when it comes to consuming food, because I don't use much. And you know that old saying that hunger is the best

spice of the best sauce. It's true. It's true. If you haven't eaten in a couple of days or a day, and then you go eat a meal, that meal is gonna taste better than it normally would eat. If you're eating three meals a day, what happens if you eat the same meal three times a day. I would when I was making when I was a kid, I would eat mac and cheese or whatever, you know, my my or a grilled cheese sandwiches or some crap like that.

What do you eating, jumb No, No, I bring that up because of this is when I when I went to when I was going to undergrad San Diego, stayed a good group of my friends, my buddy Nick, John and Brennan. They all went tom Noodles. Was it Ramino. I went to elementary in high school with these cats, and so I trust him with a lot of things.

And my buddy Nick, who I was a roommate with, he didn't have anywhere to sleep at his place and I had just moved down there, so I was literally sleeping on his floor and my buddy Brennan was sleeping on his fruit frut on and the food time was was not big at all, so we had like limited space. But because we were moving into a new spot within a two week period, I don't want to buy groceries. I don't want to buy like any food, and so I felt guilty about like just coming in and living

down there with with those guys. But they introduced me this spot just before you get into Mission Valley, like on the tip of Mission Valley in downtown San Diego in the five Freeway. It's this Mexican spot called Santana's. And it was the first time, I swear to guy, the first time I ever got introduced to California, Barritos and Ben because they did because because they did not want to have any groceries in my buddy's house. I ate to California Burritos a day, not one, but I

had to fucking per day. So those that don't know that I've never experienced like Mexican, true Mexican cuisine in southern California, California barritos either carnea solder chicken and then you have salsa, and then you have fries and that's all put together in a in a giant brito. Yeah, I mean so again, just to go it over there. You have the chicken to the carne asada, you got the fries, and you have the salt and the cheese, and it's perfect. This is a perfect burrito. And it

was five. That's what I did. Five five for a California Burritos, a giant burrito. And uh, those guys always got those guys always got poo. I got carnea sada. I had him two times a day for two weeks. It was fucking awesome for two only two weeks, though, I thought you'd go longer than that. Only two weeks. That after that I was able to buy groceries. Okay,

but I'll never forget it. I mean in San Diego, that's like some of my favorite spots, like the little you know, places that you're talking about, like the truck stopped onto Arizona, Like, yeah, well, isn't that you know, it's it's the way to break if you have a kid that like loves chocolate chip cookies, right, isn't that

the way you're supposed to do it? Is you sit them in a room with a plate of chocolate chip cookies to the ceiling and you have them eat all of them and then they will never want to eat in the chocolate chip cookie again, right because they're like, holy fuck, this is terrible. This is you know, they get, they get, But I think that's the way to break any any addiction to something is well not probably drugs, so you did too much heroin, but yeah, or whiskey,

like beer drinking Brian and half Pint. I don't know if you heard any of that because you're not a night time person, but but this, uh, this couple in Kansas City that has been calling the show for the last maybe year or so, maybe a little longer than that, but not that much longer and beer drinking. Bryan's from Minnesota, lives in Kansas City, so he called the show and he's always schnock he's always Shannock. You know. I try to be receptive. I try to be supportive. I can't.

I'm an overnight radio guy. I'm not gonna get people to, you know, go to sobriety and all that stuff. I'm not. Unfortunately, I've lost a lot of these people that are great characters, and they die young because of the Anyway, so beer Drinking brand calls up and I'm like whatever. He usually I have much to say, but he loves the show and he wants to be on the show and it's a big thing. So I put him so. Then like a couple of months ago, he starts putting this half

pint on, which is his girl, right is is? I don't think they're married, but their girlfriend. So then she sounded all right, and then like the last couple of days, she's had this weird transition into cartoon. She sounds like a a mix of the teacher in the Peanuts and like a character from South Park. It's uh, it's crazy, It's just nuts. I don't know what happened. I was he's doing a voice or what, but just just nothing.

But by the point, is I give you gave a beer drinking Brian you sat him in the room and let's say he was actually rarely he was not schnockered at that time, and you give him a table filled with one side of the tables got scotch, the middle parts got whiskey, and then the other side's got bourbon, and you told him he had to drink all that, like he would still want more. But but you know what I mean. But that's the exception of the rule.

Be sure to catch live editions of The Ben Maller Show week days at two am Eastern Pacific on Fox Sports Radio and the I Heart Radio app. Anyway, all right, so coming up on this podcast, it's is in an interview podcast. No, it's not an interview podcast. It's a storytime podcast. That's right, It's a story time podcast, which is different. Uh, we're gonna call this one a walk in the park, is what We're gonna call this one

a walk in the park. And then we also have if we have time, all about Bob, but not what you think all about Bob. So those are the two things, only two things, only two things. But I think that'll be enough, uh, and I think we'll be be good on that. Before we get into the meat of it

shameless promotion. Cameo Cameo Cameo, Cameo cameo dot com. So far, the oddest request I've gotten is from Jesse, a Laker apologist, And we mentioned this in a previous episode that I had to do the my favorite Laker players of all time in a cameo request, and I did it, and people have been threaing, although no one's actually done it. You know, they've said, I want a video with Bella, but that hasn't happened yet. Maybe it'll happen, uh any

whatever you want, but if you want to. But usually for birthdays, waitings bar Mitzpaz, there just a shout out to go, hey, have a good day, uh cameo dot com. Ben Mallar. It's not free search my name on there, but I am on a lower price point than the other normal gas bags that are on uh here on the radio. And now there's a bunch of people on there. I'm not a big much bigger names than me. Mike Tyson charged it was he tries like five founder bucks

or something like that. Yeah, I hit a couple of actors that were like it wasn't Jeremy Piven, like ten thousand dollars. Yeah, I can go fuck him. I mean, who's gonna hit ten thousand dollars for him? Uh? And then on Twitter, Twitter at Ben mallor Instagram Ben Maller on Fox and Facebook. We use that a lot for the podcast Ben Mallard Show and guestcon. People can somehow track you down to talk about California breath? Yeah? Can we? Can you make sure to add a disclaimer that I'm

not fucking fifty years old old? Like I got people like setting me d m s Asking like, hey, are you really that that old? You don't like you are? And I know, I like how you try to downplay that. I understand you're at that age. You would you want to just be more relatable. You don't want to say, hey, I'm actually that age you wanta you wanna say? No, no,

I'm younger. No, I mean you're hanging onto your youth. No, like I started last week when we hung out with the fake dentist, I'm much younger than both of you guys. So it's good to be back in the settle. But yes on Twitter at David J. Gascon Samethy with cameo, and then Instagram is at Dave Gascon when I got some some toys coming in the mail. Ben, so, I am really excited about what we're gonna do in the

month of September. You and I so yeah, oh yeah, some toys and yes, yes, how to upgrade the MacBook and then adding some some things that are similar to your your private studio there at the Mallard Manchins. Let me tell you something, this studio is working very well. And did I see the other day with a Age League Baseball hat? Yes, I'm upgrading. People are sending me hats.

It's it's an amazing thing here. They want to you know, and I'm all four like I I you know what I'd like to do, and this is probably third rail man. I support the police. I would we got a lot of police that listen to the show you you know, local police department hats. I'd wear those loud and proud on those things. I would love to, um but I don't really have any of those I can wear. But but that, and then people keep complaining about the Iowa Hawkeyes hat to send my location and hey, I'm I'm

equal oppertunity. I went to Saddleback College. I have a hat from saddle back that I wear, but i'd i'd wear you know, if you wanna, you know, send an SEC hat or whatever. I'm pretty much wear anything. At this point, there was some guy because I was kissing the ass of Ramone Loriano of the Athletics. I love that Guy's my favorite as player since Carney Lansford. Um but no he uh yeah. I love the guy because

it was great because he attacked the Astros. So I'm gonna send you an as yeah where I don't care where it is, why not there? I will wear an because other than the Astros, I will not do the Astros. I will not do the Lakers. I will not do the Astros. That's that's the line in the sand right there? Have you? Have you gotten a an updated old school San Diego Padres at I'm not that's a good I love the Padres uniforms. I want to hate them, but

they're solid. That is a good look. Finally, a team that changed their uniforms, that did it right, unlike those amateurs with the Rams who ruined the iconic l A ram horns on the helmet. Terrible, absolutely terrible. And you know the Falcons uniforms blaw I don't know who designed the Padres uniforms. That's a classical look. That is a timeless look for the Podrecs. Now they'll change it in three years because they change it every few years. But

that's a great uniform. They should keep that one forever. Yeah, them, and when they go military, when they're honoring the military and their Military Appreciation Day, when them the Pittsburgh Pirates go with their camouflage uniforms, those are those are a plus. But it's weird. San Diego's got to the best iconic uniforms in all sports, the Chargers and the Padres. I don't know if you know about this. The Charges moved to l A, I know, but the San Diego Chargers

they have the iconic uniform. But I'm saying like they were home for the two most iconic uniforms and you know, obviously they don't win it all, but well no, and they actually the three because you were discounting the great Clipper uniform which came from San Diego, the San Diego Clippers. Did you like those uniforms? I like the powder blue and the it was that was a world be free, That was world be free. Who I'm still trying to

figure out. You know, he led the NBA. I think in score he have it like thirty points a game his a second year in San Diego with the Clippers, and he somehow then ended up on the Golden State Wars. If you have a guy that scores thirty points a game, what the funk are you doing getting I don't understand. I still can't figure that. I can't wrap my mind around it. The guy, and he was ahead of his time.

World be Free? Right he changed his name and uh, all these other clowns or put their messages on their jerseys and all that, but World b Free Boy Ralph Lawler used to he knew him the old play by played guy. Ralph used to tell me stories that he was just a great guy from New York. He was like a legend from New York basketball, street basketball. Not that you care about World Be Free. I just know popped in my hand. We used him as as a instant trivia or who am I? One of those dump

games that we play. I used him this week because I just love the name. Speaking of that. Um, August is when this episode is coming out? Um, when do you think we'll see the day that Cody Bellinger bats your weight. Well, I think it's pretty interesting that he was so easy last year for Bellinger, he has decided to go into the batter's box wearing a blindfold. And I give him credit because most people wouldn't do that. Most people would say, I don't want to go in

the batter's box with a blindfold. But literally, when he's at home Plate, I believe he is blindfold. It's it's him and and that's not also dismissed Max Munsey. I like Max Max Munsey got paid and the Dodgers are getting played right now because that's the Max Munsey that was in the mayor leagues, that was with Oakland. That's that Max Munsey, right, that's not the Max Muncy that the Dodgers were. You know, gave all that money too, because he looked like he had figured out the doctrine

of Ted Williams on how to hit um. But yeah, anyway, that's a man whatever. But that, I mean, they have a good record, but it's still kind of feels that they're not. There's something not right there. Yeah, it's it's something not right with that Dodger team. And it bothers me. But you know what doesn't bother me. And I think I was texting you this a couple of weeks ago actually, when they were in Houston. Is Edwin Rios. Yeah, I like that guy, and he's like a part time guy.

I like the guy, but he's got he's got a smooth swing and it seems like every time he makes contact it's right on the ball. I mean it's just sweet spot. Ba's a ball and it looks like he's gonna hit it out every time. Yeah, they got some of those guys they mix in and and rio is going forward, is gonna get more and more playing time, and they'll get rid of some of the deadweight like kek Hernandez and guys like to add. After the year, he's free agent and hopefully they'll finally get rid of Bias.

Because he takes seven hours on the mound between pitches. They could let him go somewhere else and signed with the Twins or whatever as a free agent. Anyway, let's get to the walk in the podcast and you're ready for this. This is big alright. So it's storytime on the fifth hour podcast. So I'm I saved this for this this podcast because I I could have told this story on the radio show. I could not have told it the way I'm about to tell it, and I

will likely leave some things out. I will change some things around too, let's say, cover up for the guilty or protect the innocent. Uh So, Tuesday I was out walking around. It's my my thing. Right since King Newsum closed the gym's and then reopened them briefly with strict rules and regulations, I decided, you know what, I'm not going to be a party of that. It just doesn't work for me. I work overnights. I need to go to the gym when they're not open twenty four hours anymore.

I used to go to twenty four hour fitness. They're not open twenty four hours, so I'm done. Um. So each afternoon, when I get up from my hyberd nation, I throw some clothes on, I get a little canister water because it's a it's a million degrees where I live, and I wandered around my hood. I'm in the in the hood here about five to seven miles a day. That's what I put in five to seven miles a day, depending on the day. So the other day, on Tuesday, it was me andering around and it was it was

a dress. I was about halfway into my sojourn. So it's like six miles. I'm three miles in, all right, So three miles in, my stomach starts barking. You know, I'm like this. I couldn't figure this out because I was it's very odd. I've kind of figured out when things go haywire and why they go hay wire since my medical procedure last year, so but this was odd

to me. So I'm in the middle of a sixty five hour fast at this point, halfway through a six mile walk, and normally this obviously doesn't happen until I break the fast and then within an hour and usually within about forty minutes after I eat a meal. When I fast for a day or two, it is on like donkey, calm all right, I gotta go the bathroom. I'm in there and the whole thing. So anyway, so I'm walking, I got I got. My stomach's barking, and you know, it's the kind of barking like, hey, you

might have to to take go to the bathroom. So but I attempted to ignore. I'm walking. You know, it's hot, I'm sweating. My stomach continues to growl, and I'm like, okay, you know, it's getting progressively worse. And then within the span of about ten minutes this became a Code three situation, lights, sirens, the whole thing. I had to get to a bathroom. The problem is, I am very far away from where I live and there are no restrooms in sight. All right,

it's a residential area. There's no restrooms around or anything like that. And so then I had this cartoon bubble popped in over my head. Because you have a problem, you gotta find a solution, right, I'm a solutions guy, so I'm trying to figure out all right, so my stomach's it was going, I gotta go to the bathroom,

and uh, I gotta find a solution. So and I'm realizing as I every step I take, step by step, I'm realizing it's like Shawshank Redemption, chipping at the at the wall there for nineteen years before you get out. But so this this was rapidly progressing to a Tennessee trot situation. You know what Tennessee Trots are, right, the dysentear alright, So I'm saying, how can I solve this? Well, I thought you know, maybe I should just call the wife.

She was at home. She's on the same dopey schedule I'm on, and I can have her pick me up. But I was like, well, that'd be rude. She's sleeping. She sleeps a lot longer than I do, and I didn't want to wake her up. And you know, he's usually she needs to crank the engine up a little bit when she wakes up, and she doesn't. She doesn't come jumping out of bed, running for the hills and all that stuff. So that was like, I don't want to do this. I can make that. I can survive this.

I've had worse problems to this. I had the famous problem when I poop my pants in uh in Sherman Oaks at the studios there. Uh So then so then as I'm not gonna call her, all right, let her sleep. And then I was like, all right, I had a come to the toilet moment. I realized, I'm very proud of myself for this. That there was a park that I had walked through regularly that had a public bathroom.

All right, but it was it was still about a mile away, still about a mile away from where I was, and I was convinced that this was a solution to my predication. This was a solution. So now keep in mind, I was not sure if that bathroom was open because of the coronavirus COVID nineteen. I don't know if they closed the bathrooms. I don't use public bathrooms as unless I am forced to um. So you know, I said, nah, screw it, that's worth a shot. You know, I gotta

I gotta go. And you know, so I kept walking head down, step after step, man on a mission. But here's the thing, So the situation is is rapidly downgrading. Ill it's but dump but dump, but dumb but not. My stomach is like it's gonna unload. Yeah, it's gonna everything is ready to drop. It's gonna be like a bombing mission in a world war, and you're gonna drop a nuclear bomb here and so well, happily though, you'll be happy to know that I made it to the

public restroom without having to poop my pants. No charting in the pants. But then as I get to the front of the bathroom, the bathroom, as I approach it, right, I still doesn't I don't know at this point whether or not it's gonna be open. I'm not sure, right, I don't know. A lot of these local communities have overreacted. They've closed playgrounds, basketball courts, and I assumed that bathrooms also in some of these places will be closed because

the parks really aren't open. You walk through them, but you can't you can't do anything. Um. So, as I slowly approach very dramatically the bathroom, and then I get to the moment where I have to push the door, and this is gonna be determine whether or not I am able to successfully take care of my Tennessee trot situation. We're not. And I pushed the door and nervana, the door opens, and I am like, thank God, thank God,

finally something is going in my direction. But then the plot thickens, and this is where the story goes to the dark side. So as you would imagine a public bathroom in a park, even in a relatively decent neighborhood out in the boondocks, it was not the cleanest thing you could have possibly had, right, it was the typical public bathroom was not I've been in worse. I've been in worse, but it was not particularly clean. And um and so, but I was like, Okay, you know, I

gotta I gotta roll with the punches. It's one of my my mottos, you gotta roll with the punches. So I then had what I thought was a brilliant idea. All right, I said, you know, I am gonna figure out a way to do this to go to the bathroom without having to sit on the toilet. I'm gonna turn this into a squatty potty, all right, squatty potty. Now Gascon is taking notes right now because he will quiz me on this when I get done with this story.

What do you think happens next? Guess I don't want to assume, but I have some really good ideas considering considering the other thing that I'm gonna put a couple of things into the universe that I know that are are apparent, but some might even think about it. You've walked a great deal of time, so that means you perspired a little bit. That is correct, So you're you're what we would say moist exaccurate. That's one thing. I

have good genes for sweating. Yes, see, your engines running hot temperature here in Los Angeles over the last week, especially that Tuesday was good. That means the weather was warm, it was over where I live, Okay, So considering that and also the fact that your stomach aggravated you while you were unprovoked, um, this just adds to the moisture that's not only in the air, but that's in you. So please proceed, captain. All right. So again we're at

the point now where I'm in the bathroom. I've made it. I feel like I've one that this is a great thing. This is a wonderful mitzvah. The bathrooms open. It's dirty, but not as dirty as I was worried it was gonna be. So then I'm like, all right with the squatty potty now. Fortunately there's no cameras in the bathroom.

I'd probably be in jail right now if there were. So, so I attempted, like a mix of a gymnast and a ballerina to uh to squat over the toilet, and in my head I figured I used the Mallar math your batter geometry. I still can't believe it. So in my in my head I figured I looked at the sircrumpass and the width of the toilet pool, and then I did the math on me squatting over it, and I figured, you know how like the basketball hoop, and

the basketball is a lot smaller than the basketball hoop. Actually, if you put if you stood over a basketball hoop and put the ball through, there's a lot of room on each side of the basketball. Right, it doesn't look like that, but when you actually stand over a basketball hoop, there is anyway, So in my head, I'm like, listen, this is perfect. You know, I'm the fucking smartest guy in the room. Okay, and uh and I was the only person in the room, so I was the smartest

person room. So anyway, so I'm like, all right, I'm I'm squatting, I'm getting like a gymnast ballerina type and I'm taking care of his now as and I'm going to the bathroom. And I did not look back. I never looked back. Uh. And it appeared to be it appeared to be working fine. I didn't I didn't feel

anything going the wrong way or anything like that. And then when it was finally ready to flush flush away the evidence, I turned around to flush the toilet and this was, as they say, and wore a shock and awe moment Uh, the the bathroom, guess gun had been blown out. It looked like a crime scene. It appeared that someone had been murdered. Be sure to catch live editions of the Ben Maller Show weekdays at two am

Eastern eleven pm Pacific. In the bathroom, the entire and I'm not exaggerating this, I wish I was the entire left side. Somehow I guessed as I was squatting, I was leaning more to the left. The entire left side was covered in poop. And I'm not just talking a little bit. I'm talking, uh, every piece of it. And somehow, my my arithmetic, my math was so bad that about ninety percent of my defecation had missed the mark completely, right. I You know how they have military like Navy seals, snipers,

I'm the opposite of that. Yeah, you're what they call spray and pray. Yeah. If this was in Mexico, they would have called it a feces fiesta is what they called it there. And oh my god. So the first thing that comes to my mind while people are listening to this, and I have a vivid imagination, the first that comes to my mind is the movie Desperado, And

for all those that love the movie Desperado. If you remember the opening scene to that movie, there's a trap door that they go into with Quentin Tarantino to make a narcotics by um. They go through a bathroom that looks like someone shot all over the toilet. If you google Desperado bathroom stall and look at images, that's exactly what Ben Mallar's bathroom in the park looks like. I could promise you it was. I could not believe it. I was literally standing there. I said, there's no fucking way,

how could this have happened? I said, I didn't even think I went to the bathroom that much, and I certainly thought it was in the bowl, and you know, maybe a little bit on the side, but not all of it on the side. So so then I made another decision that I would grow to regret. Guest gun. All Right, So I'm at the point I'm looking, I'm like, I couldn't believe it. I'm like, holy crap, I mean, this is this is like the worst. This is like horrible. This is like I've been a terrible bathrooms in New

York and Boston. Plays like this is worse than any of that. So I felt bad. The next part of the story. I blame my mom for alright, because my mom raised me when you do something wrong, you make you clean that up, right, And I felt bad. I was like, somebody's gonna have to come in there, and some janitor is gonna have to come in there and clean this up, all this bodily waste. And so I made a decision that I would grow to regret to not dump and dash, right, And so I don't even

know I shoul admit this, but I attempted. I attempted to clean up the damage. It became a recovery mission at that point. And it wasn't just a recovery mission, guest gun, this was mission impossible, Okay. So there was fortunately some toilet papers, about half a roll of toilet

paper that was in this bathroom. So then I I had cleaned, I attempted what I guess would be the the bathroom version, or the toilet clean up version of they call it a horrors bath, right, uh, to clean up the bottle move like gobs and gobs of the bottle movement um and and I was able to get some of it up. Now, that was the most disgusting thing I've probably done, and maybe I don't recall ever doing anything more disgusting because public bathroom, you know, at

least it was my own, you know, my own situation. Uh. And and so I cleaned it up. I cleaned it up, and then the toilet paper ran out, and I then decided to be like the big tend of the pack twelve presidents and give up. I just said, that's it. I'm like, I'm gonna be like a whimp like those people. I'm gonna give up and not I'm not doing anymore, and at admitted defeat my tail between my legs. I walked away with my head down. Now, fortunately none of the crap got on my pants or my legs or

any of that. Somehow, all I all was able to I was able to avoid that. Uh. And then I had to I had to walk the rest of the way a couple of miles home. And if you're keeping score at home, by the way, this is now the second time since the gall bladder was removed November three nine that I have had a diaper gravy situation, a stage stage one, you know, def Con one situation. So that is my that is my walk in the park.

This week, David gascon any follow up question? Um, I got a bunch, all right, Um, first one is after you're done cleaning paper towels in the bathroom or was it an air blow dryer? Oh? Yeah, they they had an air blow dry but they did. The good news is they did have a little soap, so I did wash and then when I went home, it was like a hazmat situation. I went into the bath, into the shower and just stayed in there for for like an hour, just try to get rid of it. Even though I

wasn't dirty. I just in my head divisions. You know, it's like a traumatic it's PTSD or you know, post traumatic ship disorder is what I had. You know, I'm I'm grateful for a couple of reasons on this story, not only that you shared it with us, but too that you didn't try to um retaliate for all my Instagram photos that I send you with food porn that you've decided to snap a photo and fire one back at me. You're like, oh, that's a good idea. I

didn't even think about that. I didn't even think about that. That would have been good, That would have been great. You know what if this happens again, I will file that away. Guess gun, you will get a photo of the situation. Now. I have to tell you that between shooting your pants and then having to a four hour network radio show and shooting on the side of a public toilet, I would prefer to do the public toilet.

I would because I just the whole Yeah, because you had to marinate in the studio after you did your damage, which is way different. It was terrible. That's awful, horrible you to go commando and then sit there and it was man, Okay. So my question is, is, for argument's sake, can hypothetically speaking, you go to that bathroom and two things. One is you get access to the bathroom and you have no toilet paper and you have no paper towels. What do you do? I'll leave, Yeah, I mean, I'm

not gonna be sitting there with my hands. I'm not. I mean I figured there was a path that I could take with the toilet paper, and I thought there was actually more toilet paper than there was, And I am happy to report that I didn't. I went. By the time I left the public bathroom, it did not look nearly as bad as it looked at the moment of impact. Okay, so that that was good. I was able to if you look at the preponderance of the evidence there, I was able to hide a lot of

the evidence. I flushed it away. But you know, and then i'm I'm I like, in my head, do they arrest you for shooting all over a public bathroom? Like, I'm like, am I in some kind of crimp? I mean, if you've been in downtown last Ange, it's required, it's required to do that. So yeah, now what would you have done if that if that bathroom was locked? Oh god, um, I thought about that, and I was I was thinking of trying to find that in that park there were

some bushes kind of in the back. Yeah, that was my other option. I couldn't make it home, And in retrospect, that likely would have been the better way to go, because there wasn't anybody in the park. It was under degrees, and I could have done that, and then people would have maybe thought it was dog extrement or something like that. No way, no, not that much. No dog can produce that much ship. Yeah, I know. I still don't know what happened, though, because I usually that only happens when

I fast and then I eat. But I had neat Jimny caffeine. Uh you know. I might have taken a caffeine for the overnight show the day before though, but not that day. So yeah, I mean, because you probably always go to the restroom before you leave it go on your walk, right, Yeah, yeah, but I usually don't, you know, I take care of the number one, not the number two usually because I don't have to. Yeah,

I don't eat if you don't eat. So if there's nothing coming out any other questions, no, I'm your expert. Was all right, the prosecution rest no further questions on. There's a time and place for cameo. That would have been great for someone to put in a request. So then the follow up to this is on Wednesday, I went back to the scene of the crime. I was curious because I wanted to see if it's because I was like, maybe if it's still bad, I'll clean it

up myself. I'll bring some supplies from home. But fortunately somebody had cleaned it up, so thank god. But I feel very bad for that whoever that person is, I'm sorry, my apologies. You need to do something at a good will for somebody or something like, you needn't rescue a dog, you need Oh, you know, we're gonna do. Actually, we're gonna begin. My wife's guys, she said, we gotta donate to the food bank. There's a local food bank. Yes,

that's we're gonna do. We're gonna buy some food good, some mac and cheese, some canned soup beans the soup kitchen over here. So yes, that's that's goods Oh mad you are. You have teetered not once, but twice on the brink of of public defecation. It's never happened, you know, it never. People want to say the gall bladder thing and all that, you know, some minor deal. You don't need your gall bladder. I feel fine and all that. But and a lot of people have had this procedure,

it's a pretty common procedure. But I did not when they were telling me, you know, you're gonna have this and this happen. You know, they give you a list of things that are likely to gonna happen with your gallbladders out, and I'm like, oh, that's bullshit. It's not gonna happen to me. Yeah, well surprise, Yeah, I'm looking forward to Christmas. Now, I think I think we know what to get you some diapers and size diapers. Yes, I'm not quite there yet, pal, but but thank you.

So that's the that's so. Now I have one other little addendum. Should I do that now? Or maybe we'll wait till the next podcast. It's your call, Gasco. Don't we do it now? Or yeah, let's do it now? All right? So all about Bob? All about Bob? And uh, you know that great quote from Andy Warhol that art is never finished. It's only a band. It's a great pretty good any war It's a really good quote. So I'm watching a documentary last weekend about PBS legend Bob Ross.

Are you a Bob Ross fan? Do you know who Bob Ross is? Guest gun, No you don't, Oh my god. All right, So Bob Ross was a PBS star, like I guess in the eighties and the early nineties. Yeah, he's got the he had the funny hair and all that stuff. Right, So I learned an amazing factor. I

thought this was crazy about Bob Ross. Now, when I was a kid, we didn't have when I was literally we didn't have cable, and so I watched a lot of PBS, and I would watch like, you know, the the Sesame Street, The Electric Company, those kind of shows, because you know, we didn't have entertainment when I was a child. It was a stone age. And then sometimes the TV would just be on in the house. I'd be playing or whatever, and then Bob Ross's show would

come on. And he was the guy that would mostly pay landscapes like most a X mountains, you know, mixed with trees, and that guy it was just like a thirty minute show. He would paint this amazing, uh you know, amazing thing in thirty minutes and he would teach you how to do it. But I learned this crazy factory about Bob Ros. I love the this random stuff. This is the stuff I love in life. So painter Bob Ross, who at the time that show went on the air,

was a struggling artist. Literally, you know that cliche about the struggling artist. He was a struggling artist any money. He was, you know, struggling to make it through. And so because he didn't have a lot of money, he did what I call the Mallaw maneuver. Although it was not known as the Mallaw maneuver at this time, because it was before my time. But Bob Ross, struggling painter, went out and got a perm. The reason he got a perm was because he couldn't even afford to get

his hair cut. And he did the arithmetic and he figured, if I get a PERM, I don't have to get my hair cut. I'm gonna save money on haircuts and I can spend that on other things, right, Like you know, he figured out that he could buy food and other items with that, I assume without getting a haircuts. So this was before his TV career. So then what do you think happens? Well, he gets the PBS show takes off right, takes off, and he wanted to change his

hair because he he hated it. Couldn't change his hair. He was forced to keep the hair the rest of his life because that was the trademark of Bob Ross and it became PBSS logo and they the whole thing. And so he he didn't want the hair he hated and he thought it terrible, and he had to keep it. And now even he's been dead for years and there's internet memes with Bob Ross's hair still. I think that's an amazing little I love that kind of. I mean,

he didn't want to. It's just crazy that that became his signature thing and he didn't even want to have it. You are in stunned disbelief there, David Gisca. Your speech, which is not good for a podcast, Well it's it's not. But what provoked you, first of all to watch that documentary? Well you're late at night Friday, Saturday, the games have ended, you know, I like to watch a documentary. And this was on the YouTube. All right, this was on the YouTube,

and um, just a couple of years old. But I was like, I watched Bob Ross when I was a kid, so I was like, maybe I'll check this out, see what's going on there. You know what his fro reminds me of or who it reminds me of. I don't Lenny Wilkins. Oh yeah, Lenny. Lenny Wilkins had that fro. Not not as magical as Ross, but yeah, but pretty fucking good. But I agree, right, like, when you have something that's the staple of your brand, you can't just

go off the beaten path. Yeah, when you get known for something, you know, it reminds me Kevin Kennedy, d and I forget the player's name, but Kevin Kennedy, who was the Fox Baseball insider guy and a good guy. Kevin. Kevin told me a story about when he was managing the Red Sox there was a guy playing for the Socks that was a pretty good player but hated Boston. But he had to play there because he couldn't force his way out because he wasn't a big enough name

player to do it. He was making great money, but he couldn't stand it. I know it's not the same, but it's like you're in a situation where you don't really like something, you can't change it, you know, And he was in that, in that that situation, but I don't know, Like you look at the now he was not an athlete, Bob Ross, but you look at the great haircuts in in sports, and um, I always go when I first started watching, uh, Michael Cage, Uh, he had the Jerry curl that was. That was quite the

look man. That was. That was quite the white to look for. The clips and the sonics and all that doesn't have any more. But the Tony Gwynn had that a little bit. He had a little bit of that going on early in his career. Career with the Padres. Yeah, he had that. I'm trying to think of like signature, I mean, because everyone has those signature not everyone, but there's certain people that have like those iconic or like signature styles, whether it's hair suits, I mean Craig Sager

was was one with his Oh yeah Seger. Yeah, that was late Craig Seger because he and I saw him at Staples Center back in the Shack Kobe years and he would come out there t NT and he would wear normal clothes and then he had his clown suit that he would put on, and so it was really brilliant. Victor Brick followed that same playbook. There's a playbook that if you want to get attention on television, you have to wear really bright, outrageous office. You should do that, Gascon.

You should take a page to get these you know, bright pastel color jackets and tie is and nix and match and you should. Maybe we'll do that in September and never now. Walt Clyde Fraser, he does that, right, Fraser, he takes he wears like a lion print suit and all that. The NBA has had so many remember Kenny Skywalker, he had the high top fade for the New York Knickerbocker's back in the day. Even Michael Cooper with his knee high socks. Yeah, yea artist Gilmore, that's before my time.

But he had the big frow going he was playing, but everyone did Dr J Man And remember Dr J with the nets flying through the air with the fro. Remember how about here's another one? Uh, Debt love shrimp. I don't remember. Remember he had that It looked like a German military guard haircut. Yeah right, he looked like it was groomed and he looked like uh Ivan, Yeah, it looked like that from Rocky for Yeah, I mean

even not even with the hair. But you can go like you go Bob Barker, right, like what's Bob bar Chris synonymous with Oh he's got that stick that needle dick microphone, he's got the skinny microphone and there he does his his pet promotion at the end of the price is right. Oh, here's another one. Remember the guy let's see this is I'm gonna test gascons hair knowledge. NBA player with a mullet in the nineteen nineties. Oh um, uh did you play for the for the nuts? He

was a journey. He played for a number of teams, but he is the gold standard for the mullet in professional Chris Mullen. No, no, not Mullin. Mullin had the Mullin had the flat top. Oh no, it wasn't Tom Chambers. No, no, this is after those guys. This is the nineties and this guy was a center. I think he's dead. Not Bradley, not Mirasan nah m hm. Obviously not the dream. He played college basketball at Floorida. He's better college player who

had a mullet. Bryant Reeves had a mullet, big Country. No, you're like the flat top type thing. No, this is Dwayne Schintzius. Who the fuck is Dwayne shi You don't know that's bad basketball knowledge that Tony Bruno would say, that's a bad job by you. Man. Come on, Dwayne, I can't even Dwayne Shinsius. It's all right, Google it right now. It's s C H I N t z I us. He played into the early two thousands, played with my clippers. I covered him in the mid nineties.

He played for the l A Clippers, the terrible Clippers at the l A Sports Rain. Oh my gosh, yeah, oh man, man, right, look at that. Come on, oh man, that's great. Yeah that what do they say, like it's a party in the back. That's uh business in the front, party in the back. That is yeah, that's good man. That's like he died so yeah, Lukemi. He died when he was like in his early forties. It sucks by he that guy was. I mean you think redneck mullet

basketball player. That is Dwayne Schintzy. Wow. He played Sacramento, San Antonio. He played for the Nuts. Oh yeah, he played with everybody. He bounced around from team to team to team. That is a great mullet man. That's good. That's Barry Merrows on steroids. You didn't expect to hear it. Dwayne Schinzy is from this something like the perfect podcast Now the real question g seven ft two and two sixty. He was a big, big boy, big boy, good college player,

much better college player than NBA player. But as I remember, But here's the thing, guess how is this podcast? What are you gonna call? You're gonna you're gonna headline at walk in the Park. Uh are you gonna do with the Tennessee Trots, the Mallard Trots? What are you gonna do. I'm gonna call it Mr Rogers, Mr Rogers. Yeah, story

time with storytime. That was decent. You know, well, this outrank some of our interview podcasts rank the Looney Tunes episode that we had last week with our fake dentist. Oh did that not do that well? People did not want to hear Tom Looney. No, I didn't do that well? Really wow? Yeah, I thought Looney would be a hit. People did not. They were not riveted to Tom Looney. Now, in fact, it did. It did half of what I did with with my m m A uh fighter? Is

that right? Man? Wasn't that good? All right? So we didn't do any interview this week. No, I'll attempted. You know, I've been talking to the the chief about your your lack of cooking and barbecuing. I'm a great cook, and so he was a little curious about the fact that you got like a see, I got a list of things you gotta reference my wife. You've got to talk about some something west of the four oh five you did with the burrito story earlier. Now, that wasn't that

wasn't San Diego. It's five freeway. It's a five freeway. You mentioned the four oh five. Now I haven't mentioned your first class uh flight to Seattle that was paid for by a listener. I haven't mentioned that yet. I was a friend of the show that that took care of that the show. Okay, I haven't mentioned because you weren't invited anywhere. I mean that's you know things a little bit and try to get some fans. Maybe they'll

take care of you, how about that? Yeah? Yeah, anyway, all right, listen, have a great rest of your day. We got podcasts coming up all weekend long, three days a week on the podcast eight days a week overall. But thank you. Remember the review of the podcast five stars, Email us, follow us on social media, and have a great day.