Professor Benny

now on a Saturday Saturday Saturday. We welcome you into the Magic podcast Box, where all your audio content needs are taken care of on the weekends. Here as the spinoff of the Ben Maller Show. All this is only available in the podcast format. You figured that out already, and we do this because hey, four hours in the middle of the night clearly not enough. Eight days a week, eight days a week in Thank you for subscribing, whether it's on the I Heart podcast platform or anywhere else.

You get your podcast available everywhere, and tell a friend, Tell a friend, tell a friend. And unfortunately I look at the calendar here and it appears that David Gascon is with us again. This week here and set. Yeah, boom friend fresh meat and my my good friend the Penny took ourselves on a nice trip last couple of days after celebrating one Super Bowl victory for Tom Brady. There's a job well done by the Penny. I'd like to pat myself on the back for well. The Penny

actually went on a hiatus. If you know this uh a situation my personal life. The well actually originally the Penny went on hiatus because he didn't want to do it over the the Christmas holiday festivities. But then and you know, Christmas and New Years and then so what happens, So we we just put the Penny on hold pen. He's on ice right now, and he's on like a box ice sitting there. And then that's how that's going so good. It was excellent now it's the Depression. Was

a terrible game. It was a horrible game. The game got an F. It was was an F game. It was a crap game. It was a terrible game. The production was bad too. It was bad from start to finish, pregame to post game, the production, the commercials, it all sucked. Yeah, it's it's not something that we're gonna sit here and so I remember where you were when you watched the Bucks Chief Super Bowl and how amazing that was. No, there was none of that. I know, none of that.

I thought one would be better than so far not so good. Yeah, it appears that was the warm up act. Gonna go see a comedy show and they had the warm up comedian and then the main comedian comes on and so yeah, my favorite And I don't know if you've ever done this, but there's a few comedy stores where we live, and one of my favorites is actually in Hermosa Beach, and on Fridays and on Sundays, Jed Letta would go there and do some of his he'd

practice some of his routine for the week. He'd go there on Sundays, but on Fridays and Sundays, they would typically do instead of having like your warm up and then your main your your main set of comedians, they do it round robin. So they'd have a round robin of fifteen or twenty comedians that would come out and they get two minutes on the clock and you go for two minutes and the buzzer sounds and you get

the funk out. And that was one of my favorite acts to watch because you had these guys that were full throttle for two minutes. They didn't have time to ponder around and like you know, use the audience as a subject. Those are some of my favorite acts to see from a comedy store. I don't know if you've been.

We call that in the profession. We call that the sports talk radio version of comedy where you go two minutes because the caller gets about two minutes on the air and then you move on to the next call. So it's really comedy stealing from sports talk radio's good bad job by them. Yeah, did they have a seven and a half to drag queen from Rochester? No? No, in Buffalo, no drag queens, No trenies, no eighty year

old women, eighty year old women? Do they have truck drivers from Arkansas that double fist Big Max at three in the morning. One woman looked like she did. Yes. Yeah, Well, you can't go to a comedy club now, right There're still they're not open a comedy club. In a while, I used to like going to comedy was I liked

Jeff Garland used to pop up. I think he's in Hollywood now to comedy club, the guy from the Big Fat Guy from Curb Your Enthusiasm, and he would he would hit this club in Burbank every Sunday night and he had he had a regular gig there and he just he didn't prepare anything. Of course, he did no preparation. He just went out there and ripped people on the audience and that was a stick and just saw him and it was good. I don't know he was he

was fine. Yeah, he was all right. But yeah, sometimes the comedy clubs around l A, like the bigger name comedians that live in l A. Well just like in fact of the day, they would just pop up. Yeah, I've heard story like back many many the late great George Carlin. Yeah, would sometimes just walk in and then you want to do a few minutes and test something out and for an HBO special or something like that and serious and yeah, there's well the Comedy Store in Hollywood.

They have the regular stage and then they have a separate stage like adjacent to it, but upstairs it's almost like a frat house and that's what they do their their typical roast battles and the roast battles he'd see on Comedy Central with Jeffrey Ross, he'd be roasting people at the time. He would actually randomly show up. Um that that's really small. It's it probably holds about thirty people, and then it has like a small stage area for v I P s. But like that is that is it?

So when you get Jeffrey Ross that goes in there, it's almost like a sweatshot because it's just the smell and the odor and the stench from people that are coming in and out. But yeah, I missed those days. I don't know if we're gonna have any of those anytime sooner. What holy shit, California, finish the governor and get rid of this loser governor and Gavin Newsom in California, we all hope. I don't know anyone that doesn't want

him removed. His governor is a terrible governor. And there's a recall effort underway and then apparently on the cusp of happening. Yeah, we're I think we're about a hundred thousand signatures away from the recall. The only thing that scares me about that is can you imagine what losers are going to run to replace him? Well? No, because the other thing is he might say that these signatures

aren't authentic. Yeah, yeah, he's gonna have to go and eat a stake at the French laundry to whether or not they're authentic and have a nice glass of wine there as he as he does his things. So on this podcast we have the Valor Victorian and also a hot Take thumbs up plus pop Quiz. All right, all right, this is original content. Nobody else has this content. They all want the content. They can't have the content. It's our content nobody else has. So you want Valor Victorian,

you want Hot Take thumbs up or pop Quiz? What do you want? I think we go pop quiz first, get it out of the way. I don't know if they get it out of the way. See pop Quiz is wonderful. Don't dismiss pop quiz. Yeah, but why would you dismiss pop quiz Because it's typically like schools and sessions, So you want to get the tests over with before you get to anything else like lab work or any kind of interns. See your instincts on this. That's a

bad job by pop Quiz. Like if back in the day when I was a kid and I watched the Tonight Show, you don't watch it anymore. But they watched it with Leanto, I watched it with I'm Old. I watched it with Johnny Carson, the big name. They didn't bring out right away, right, They didn't bring the big name out. They wanted you to stay and watch and

then you know what I mean. It's not like they'd have a list of gas and then they'd have Usually somebody would get bumped depending on how along the main main guest went, But usually have somebody come out first. Then you have the main guest, and then you finish up with if you have time left, somebody else. Yeah, but this is a this is a story arc that will conclude with Valedictorian. So I feel I see, okay, all right, well listen, your instincts are terrible, but we'll

do that. That's fine, if you want to do that. We will start with pop quiz. My fault for asking. I should have just taken the lead there and guided you through the abyss. But we will. We'll start with pop quiz. So these are things I found scouring around the dark web that I found interesting enough to quiz guest gun. But really I'm quizzing you as the list whether you're working out, doing some yardwork, freezing your ass off in a winter blizzard, whatever it might, or shopping

or shopping for tomorrow and your significant other. Yeah, my advice is to wait until the day after everything's all the candies, half off, all the flowers or half off. They gotta get rid of that stuff. Just make sure you got some endurance for the night. Yeah, well, let's see about that, all right, So pop quiz, here we go. Due to the pandemic, which seemingly will never end. Due to the pandemic, there are four million of these currently

sitting in warehouses all around the United States. But a direct result of the pandemic, and it is somewhat related to sports, In fact, very related to sports. Oh do do do Do Do? Do? Do? Do do do do um? Related to sports? Do do do do? Do Do do do Um? Alright,

time is up. Final answers. Yeah, I'm gonna say. I'm gonna say football's uh no. Since the Major League Baseball season was played with no fans, there are four million bubble heads sitting in the warehouses across the United States that we're gonna be given away by the Cincinnati Reds, the Minnesota Twins, the Dodgers, the Mariners, the Stros, and every other team in baseball, and none of those have been given out. Now, let's see the problem with that is,

I would like to do an analysis. How many of those bubble heads are for players that are no longer on the current team. That's a good one, right, like Tampa Bay head that bro I'm risking my life Blake Snell and he's now a Padre. Did they have any Blake Snell bobble heads last year they were gonna give away from Trevor Bauer. That's right, Trevor Bauer and Cincinnati. He gone, I go down the list. I'm sure there's

you know, somewhere there's Key k Hernandez bobble heads. And he's not around the Dodger, he said, he's gone to the Red Sox. All right, if you do not do this during an interview, two thirds of hiring managers will turn you down for the job. So if you don't do this in an interview, then you have a very small chance of getting hired to do said job. Ask for the job. So you have to ask for the job. Now, it's something involving body language. Sit up straight, No, damn dude, dude, dude,

this explains why you're not getting these good jobs. Guest con you don't know the answer. Yeah, good job of you. I don't know. Man, it's gonna help you out. It's gonna change your life and in magical ways. Here all right, tell me make eye contact. If you don't make eye contact, they think you're up to trouble. They think you're a shady character. You're a shyster. Interesting, it's all about that icon.

People do not like being an icon. Yeah, makes them uncomfortable. Yeah. Now, when you're out and about there and you're walking around some ritzy beach with all the uh elitist west of the four oh five, I'm always smiling, looking smiling, trying to make eye contact with the ladies, right, But they don't like to make eye contact with you right now, because that's a connection. There's a connection when you make eye contact. There's a connection for a moment, for a

split second, there's a connection. There's a bond between two people when you make eye contact. Yeah, but they're not usually looking at my eyes. You get what I'm saying. I don't know what else there is to look at, you know, suns out, guns out, you know. Wow, back legs, you know it's the beach. It's l a man, what do you want? Bending over? Like the photos on your grinder account? He got going on there, But jeez, we are looking live. Oh I dropped something again. Let me

bend over and pick it up. Here, let's see what we got, all right? Man? All right? Uh this, this creature has more taste buds than any other on earth or in water. I'm gonna must have the greatest palette in the world. This particular thing, I'm gonna say it's not kosher. I was gonna say an ant, but an ant I'm gonna say a ladybug. Uh No, catfish, catfish. According to this report, there there are a hundred and seventy five thousand taste buds all over the body of

a catfish. So I mean, if you get I don't eat catfish, but if you eat catfish, you're eating taste buds. Wow. That's interesting. Humans. By the way, for comparison, U slowly humans. Right now we have ten thousand, ten thous That tongue is covered with those taste buds. Yeah, covered, all right. Sunglasses were originally this I didn't know this. This one's cool. I like this one. Sunglasses were originally invented to hide

the eyes of people belonging to this profession. I'm not sure whether this is bullshit or not, but firefighters, no. I think of somebody who has to be an arbitrator of things. A judge, yes, a judge. Wow? Is that why wiggs were invented to for the judge? They love the our friends in in Europe with the in Britain there with the the the English judges with the white wiggs. And do they still do that? I don't know, Like

in Parliament, yeah, I don't know. I I do like when they were going through the Brexit thing couple of years ago, they would show the shouting matches and it was so entertaining to watch the British politicians screaming at each other. I thought it was wonderful. There's so much more entertaining than the idiots here in America. The ones that are crying right now try to and they claim to have decorum and uh survived the nuclear winter? Yes,

absolutely all right. If you'd like to make a woman feel truly love, this is important, guest, gun your single guy Valentine's Day weekend, If you'd like to make a woman feel truly loved. Ten percent of them said to do this. What is it only ten percent countsis? Cook for them? That's always your default answer. Well, I was always your I'd say, let's say clean, but I think that's too obvious clean. Uh No, it is fill up the car with gas. What Yeah, that's flame funk That

gas is expensive. Well, if you're with in a relationship with someone, you can just instead of them, you're you're you're going to join account or something like that. My god, I don't know. I don't know if the decide that for a later time. So you're you're an anti gass or is that what you're saying there? Just you know, I mean everyone's got their own investments and them are more profitable than others. All right, Uh la la la la la Lee. Here's another one. This has been ranked.

We're doing pop quiz. This has been ranked as one of the top ways you can ruin your whole day. What is it? Drop your phone and water? No, but it does involve water. Get up, take a nice shower, and there's no hot water. Hot water heater has gone out and you can't take a hot shower. Now, I have been told and I've heard from several people that I trust that actually taking a cold shower is really good for you. Stimulates your body, stimulates your metabolism. Yeah,

that's might be true. But the way to take a cold showers to start out with a warm shower and turn the water down. I don't know. That's the way that that's the proper bullshit, that's the proper way to do it. I don't know. If you start out with warm water and you say it's it's the same thing as the boiling frog. You turn the water down slowly and get it colder and colder, and by the time you get done it's an ice cold shower. You started out warm, you ended up cold. That's the way to

do it. That's like going from a jacuzzi to a pool. Though, no, no, it's not. It's not your slowly turning the temperature of the water down slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly. What a snob? So why do it teaching life lessons? Yes, one third of American homes have one of these. One third um a gazebo. Now a welcome matt, welcome man? Do you have a welcome mat? Do your scon of course my wife has a welcome Yeah, little pixie dust. Sure,

absolutely all right. The last time the average person didn't this chore at their house was five months ago. Oh man, what is it? I'm gonna I'm gonna say dust. That's a good one. Most people don't dust very often. Uh No, the answer is clean out the fridge. Now that my my wife loves cleaning out the fridge. Really yes to a problematic situation because it's almost every other week she's cleaning out the fridge and and I'm like, well, she has up thrown away food that we could still eat.

Oh yeah, Does she clean out the freezer to freezer? Not as much freeze or not as much? Yea, what you're talking about, Gus g I don't know. I don't know what you're talking about. Stasking a question. It's a time machine in there, there's a there's a flashback to a different time. Yeah, but it's perfectly fine. The food in there is perfectly fine where it should be. Right. Yeah, I just got a phone call from Tom LOUDI should I answer my phone call from Tom LOUDI? Probably not right,

Probably not. He's gonna be triggered about something, and you should pick it up. I guarantee he'll be scream at. I'm not ready, He's I don't think I've been awake long enough to deal with his bull crap. They do not think. I don't think the that that's something I'm interested in there so not right now. I'm not a good I'm not a good riser, and I hate alarm clocks. But the sound of his voice is that of an alarm clock. He is at a ten, especially when he

gets triggered. Well, I like to hit his buttons and uh. And then yeah, so I and then I give him his own medicine, you know, I use his rhetoric's liberal rhetoric against him and uh, and then he gets upset by that, and uh, you know, pretty much go back and forth. He accuses me of only watching Fox News, and I said he only watches CNN, and so that's you know, like, well we're in the same spot, you know, if that's the case, because you know, anyway, all right,

let's see what do we have next year? Uh, let's see any meny mighty alright. Thirty seven of Americans say that they have never done this uh in the car about that had sex? Uh had sex? Uh? No, no, no. This one's odd to me because I don't know how you can drive properly in a big city without doing this. Honk the horn? Oh man, now hank the horn? Man? Are you a tapper or do you sit on the

horn when you hank it? Well, when I had a big masculine horn, I would really just pound the horn and that would But now I have kind of a weak, embarrassing horn on my malanmobile, very bad. It's just it's like a clown clown horn. So I don't. I'm a little embarrassed, but I still hit it. But I don't. I'm not loud and proud, you know. I don't pump my chest out and hold the horn down like an fh you. I don't do that, but I'll tap it.

I'll give a tap atually when you're changing lanes and the asshole will not allow you to get over or speeds up or you know, vice versa little tap tap. Although I've noticed and that backing out of parking places is often the most risky thing that you could have got an accidents backing up or or driving and somebody backing into me. That's happened multiple times of office workers have one of these in their desk. What is it? Um, I'm gonna say, a picture of a loved one picture picture, No,

A toothbrush, good dental hygiene. That reminding that reminded I was when I was younger. I uh not that I dated many people, but I did date a woman whose father was a dentist, and she would brush her teeth like four times a day. It was so freaking annoying. It was so good. It was so annoying. I guess gun. I was like, oh my god, this is a nightmare. Ask you you said that brings something up? Say because you brought it up last week with cars. I didn't

realize it. I cleaned out my car last week and lo and behold, I found a toothbrush and toothpaste in my center console. You had to ask this question or similar. Yeah, yeah, we had pop quiz about the I was like, wait a minute, and it's you know when you get it from the dentist and a little baggie. I had it my oh the baggy. Yeah. I would stash like my big eating days, I'd stash bags of candy and I'd have a little bagge and then I forget about it and it would be you know, heat, the heat and

the cold that would be disgusting. And then usually gotta have like you gotta a little mouthwash in case you need the mouthwash, and you gotta have a little bit of deodor. You gotta have that. Those are the two key things you gotta have in your car and all times, just in case you end up in front of someone who's you want to you want to impress them. You don't want to smell and look like a slob. So alright, One in every four people you see here are scrolling

through social media. Do do do do do do do do? Wait can you say that again? Alright? One in every four people you see here at this location are scrolling through social media. Starbucks no better than the Starbucks. Church. Oh man, go go to church. Get an update, status update. Let's see what's on the Graham, See what the booty models are doing over there on the Instagram, and I'll knock yourself out. That's always good. Yes, I can't go

wrong with that. You cannot go wrong with that. Alright. Uh, let's see here of men have borrowed this from their significant other. What is it? The utterant that is correct? Alright? Last one on pop quiz, last one on pop of couples are doing this for Valentine's Day? What is it? Nothing? No watching romantic movies? Oh boy, alright, so that that is pop quiz. Why don't you know what we need to do? Now we have what do we have here?

We have hot take thumbs up in valor Victorian. Let's do let's do the hot takes alright, Hot takes them up, So thumbs up. So the other day I did a rant about Russell Wilson. Russell went on the Dan Patrick Show on Fox Sports Radio and complained, he cavetched. That is you know, we played the Woe is Me card about being sacked three ninety four times and now this was like a war crime. And he blamed the offensive line for all of his problems. So I did a rant.

And this has been my belief most of the time, not always, but most of the time quarterback sacks. This is one of the things that the average fan does not understand about foot but they think that it's always the fat guys on the offensive line's fault when a quarterback gets sacked. There's no other explanation. It always the court, It's always the offensive line's fault, the quarterback, the darling. It's never the darling's fault. You know, the star the

whole thing. Well, I've I've understood and watching football and observing and that it is often the quarterbacks fault. So I pointed this out. I did a rant about Russell Wilson, and I said, the biggest problem Russell Wilson has is his he needs a clockmaker because his internal clock is messed up. He could have had half the number of sacks that he's had if he would have just gotten rid of the ball. And anyone in football who coaches football will tell you an incomplete pass is better than

a sack. You'd rather have an So I did this rant. I went a little Mallard monologue. Rant was an a good you know, I was okay, But it was given the thumbs up by a former NFL executive of the year boy who agreed with my hot take. He liked it. Endorsed by a former NFL executive, Randy Remember Randy Mueller. He was the general manager of the New Orleans Saints

and the Miami Dolphins. He also he's worked with He actually worked with the Seahawks and the Chargers, and he, you know, on social media, endorsed my rant about Russell Wilson, that's the two thousand NFL Executive of the year. Put that in your pipe and smoking. I guess he does a podcast now, but he's a guy worked in the NFL for many many years as a talent evaluator, and he gave me the thumbs up to that. Mallard monolu put that in your pipe and smoking. You just said that.

I'm saying it again because you didn't respond. I would like I would like you to genuinect. You know, I'm just saying, it's fine. It's not fine, it's all right, it's wonderful. That is a confirmation that the hot take was right, that that's hot take, confirmation he was Executive the year in two thousands. That validated, that validated my hot take, that that gave substance to what I was saying. But wouldn't that actually not making a hot take anymore?

Wouldn't that actually just making a good take and not a hot take? No, No, that's a red hot take that you don't see. There's a noticeable difference. You don't notice that. There's a noticeable difference that tips the scale any reasonable person would point out that tips the scale in favor of the take, right, that was a key indicator, but key indicated the take was exceptional. It was. It

was amazing, tremendous. But we usually we usually consider hot takes bullshit takes that I have no merit to them, like on on on on on. This was this was such a red hot, red hot take that it's like in the Take Hall of Fame. Yeah, yeah, it's it's that amazing. That's in the take Hall of Fame. Like you could have put it on a grill, barbecued it, seared it for ten minutes and I would it turned out well done. It's such a shut up, I know you.

It's such a wonderful hot take. It's it's like you could burn your tongue right because of all the hot take uh you know, fallout from from that hot take. I'm excited for its overpowering, right it is. It is one of the great hot I mean blistering hot. Okay, so let me go on hot. How many other ways can you say hot? Answer answering listing hot, scalding hot, and white hot. That's roting hot? Is it better than any take you've ever had on Clayton Kershaw when he

has just defecated on himself in the postseason. No, no, no, no, those are some of those are the Michaelangelo. It's Justine Chapel me me coming in after watching Kershaw puke up a playoff game. That is the gold stand. That is the art stick. Everything else is measured against that. Everything else is that. It's like a five car pile up. Yeah. And the great thing about Kershaw is he he fucked up so many times that I had a lot of

a lot of practice mastering. It's like playing with clay and moving it around, you know, It's like it's like clay in your hands there and uh yeah, So I had a lot of fun with that. But do you think he stays put though in Seattle? That's the question. Yeah, the Seahawks are are not because of the salary cap, even though Russell has become a little toxic right now,

they're not. I would be They're not gonna trade him now. Certainly, if they were to move him, it would have to be I think after sometime in June because they'd saved some money on that. But it is interesting to see his career arc in Seattle because don't forget. I mean there are issues with Richard Sherman and the Legion of Boom talking about how he got preferential treatment. Russell Wilson. Yeah, he was the darling. He was the most popular person

in class. He was the teacher's pet. And I'd make that argument every day that that defense for such a long period of time was what won them games and obviously a super Bowl, not the offense binding stretch of the imagination. Well, the defensive guys started getting along in the tooth though. That was part of the problem. They got rid of them, and they kept the hot shot quarterback who just is the doppel ganger of Pete carroll Man.

Not anymore though. Now he's going off his own. He's going rogue, going rogue, all right, Uh so we have the Valor Victorian. You want the Vale of Victorian? Said the best for last one of my bucket list items happened this week? I guess John I got the phone call. I was called in out of the bullpen a professor emeritus.

I don't even know if that's true. The great Rob Parker reached out to me and said, hey, you know, I'm teaching a class over here at the USC and I would like to have you speak to my class about your experiences in the radio business. And sure enough I answered the call. I changed my entire sleep schedule around. I was invited it to be a guest speaker at

the University of Southern California. We did it on zoom because we're social distancing, but for roughly forty five minutes in the middle of my night because I normally am sleeping at this time levin in the morning on Monday, I got up with very little sleep and I regaled the undergrads with war stories from the front lines of sports talk radio. And it was a lot of fun.

Had a good time, and I got to ask some good questions with little Q and a thing after I did my little opening rant, and I enjoyed a lot. I don't want to thank Rob for inviting me in I I've had people in the past they I'd like you to come speak to my class and sports plus he invited me, but it never happened. Uh. And then he's a caller or a listener. And then also there was a guy I was buddy of mine that was a professor at Auburn of all places, and he wanted

me to do a Zoom thing. This is before Zoom became cool. That never worked out, and then he left Auburn and he went to another school. So this is the first time I've done it, and it was a lot of fun and I had a good time. And so I am open if you are a teacher of radio and television now, because of Zoom, I am willing to go on a rubber Chicken circuit and tell war stories of the overnight in sports talk radio. This is my future. I can see myself. I robbed down the

line teaching a class on broadcasting. Why not? Yeah, you can certainly do that. That's one thing I'm going like, because isn't the way it works. To to be qualified and teach, you have to be in the profession for ten Yeah. I've been in for over twenties. So I'm good. God you're done. You're that old. No. No. I started when I was one year and one year I was my mom was I was a prodigy. And at one years old, I was a toddler and uh, and I barely knew how to walk, and uh, I couldn't talk,

And I learned how to do sports radio. We can make you an adjunct professor somewhere Long Beach today. I'll be great, and you love to be and yeah, I do the and Eaters. Yeah, then they're gonna have the title adjunct Professor'll be great. I would not call you professor professor malas, that would be wonderful. I'm gonna do that at some point, if I'm lucky enough to live along, I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna teach radio or I guess by then it will be just be podcasting. But

I'm gonna do it. I am gonna do it. Guesscan I Am going to do it. Okay, it's gonna happen, all right, that will put the baby to bed. There and again, if you didn't hear, we had and yesterday we had Plaxico buriss On. It was a lot of fun, Plaxical telling war stories from his career. I'm playing with the Giants and the Jets, and I love this reaction. We asked him about the difference between the Giants and the Jets, and the pretty much laughed the difference between

playing for those two those two teams. Um So anyway, listen, I have a great rest your Saturday. We have the mailbag on Sunday. Sunday Sunday and we'll catch it. Then, be sure to catch live editions of The Bed Mallar Show weekdays at two am Eastern eleven pm Pacific