Fit to Print

hot takes, break free or something special. The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now that it does in the air everywhere coast the coast, border to bar There actually are no borders on podcasting. But that we are back at it again as this podcast heard every single week on the I Heart Podcast Never we thank you for being a loyal minion or supporting the content that

we provide. And uh, it's weird. You have mixed feelings about this because part of me is happy that the audience is continuing to grow and that there's a demand for these podcasts. The other part of me is like crap. That means I have to keep doing the podcast, so I have I have mixed emotions because if nobody was listening, if the numbers were down. If it was crapped and I wouldn't have to do it, the company wouldn't want me to do it. Um, But the numbers keep going

up studily, so we do thank you for that. And we are joined yet again by the man who made the b famous. He's got his singer, David Gascon from West of the four oh five. Well, since this podcast continues to grow, do you think this podcast is adequate and sufficient enough to be carried live on radio? Was made for live radio? How about occasionally we curse? But I would be if it. If it involved more money, I'd be all about it. Put it on the radio.

I'm all for it. I've changed my stance. I used to always say, never put radio on television because it's radio. But if they pay, And I've had friends have done radio shows that ended up being simulcast on television and they get a nice, big fat check in a bonus to the radio work. So if you can get paid double for the same thing, who wouldn't sign off on that sports colman do that? Or who does a simulcast on the show? Oh one guy's in Boston and Jerry Callahan, uh when he when he at w e I back

of the day. He his show was on Nesson and so he was getting a check from Nesson in addition to w E I. And so yeah, I mean there's a few other people that have dabbled in that. And uh, you can put a camera in the studio overnight, and I got a camera in here anyway because the videos we do on the on YouTube. Uh, so we've got that. Uh. We had said before we get to today's podcast, we had set Dylan on from the Babylon. But how did that go? By the way, did that? Did that do well?

The set Dylan thing? It was? It was it was surprisingly excellent, not by by my stards. I knew it was gonna be great, but but people have downloaded it. It's been a great surprise to see the elevation and of course not to be overlooked. But we had Benny versus the Penny last night too. Yes, that's right, Benny versus the Penny again. Back at it a big weekend. It's gonna be a big gambling weekend. Guess can I'm

gonna get back. I've been I've been like a see saw so far this season, picking games either up and you're down, and you're up and you're down, which is really the way of life. But well, we'll see and you check that out. That's that's up there on the YouTube. We tweeted it out, of course, and you can check that out. And not just before the games. A lot of people obviously would want to watch it before if

you're planning on gambling on the NFL. However, many people enjoy looking at my analysis after the fact when they know the outcome and they can goof on me and say how dumb that analysis was. So there's two ways to do it. Are they goofing on you or they goofing on your lack of furniture. Because it seems like every time we're on air, people are all he is thinking that you're homeless, or that you're just you've just something. That's my man cave, that's my spare man cave, and

you're just just people are jealous. People are just jealous. Maybe I'll put a photo one week of Bella behind me and they could have Bella staring about that. It's a small dog. She can't get around your back. Bella is a beast. What are you talking about? What's that? She's like the size of your fu. We Bella's fur has grown out. Bella is very large and in charge. Yeah, all right, So before we get into the meat of

the matter here, cameo dot com. Cameo dot Com actually did a few cameos recently and for for a couple of Maddie and the Natty, it was one of the guys there, one of the Cincinnati Bros. Although I didn't realize it was Maddie from The Natty. So if you're a p one that you know, if I kind of know who you are because of social media or whatever you call in everyone's you gotta let me know because I'm like, like Maddie and the Natty, it was Matthew when I got the cameo requests, so I was like,

I don't know, I don't know Matthew. But then I knew Maddie and the Natty. It changes the it changes the dynamic there. So it just a heads up for future future cameo users. Just give me a little info that, like who you are, how I would know you if I do know you, and if not, I it's fine. There's a lot of people I don't know, Thank god. Most of the people that listen, I'll never have any contact with That's usually how it works. It's that's how

it's supposed to work generally. So that's cameo dot com search my name Ben Mallory. If you want a personalized video message for I do weddings, bar mitzvah's uh, pep talks, battle cries, all of that, and it's available for you on cameo. What you consider doing a cameo for Kent summers. Oh, let me tell you. Uh, that is the fit to print. So let me just send it up. We have fit

to print. We've got no breaks and pop quiz and we begin here the Saturday podcast with our show a rant on the radio becoming a news story in the state of Arizona. Uh, this is outstanding. So let's let's flash back to Monday night football and the Arizona Cardinals with a blowout win thirty eight to ten over the Dallas Cowboys, a convincing domination situation there and after the game. Now,

I did a monologue on this guest gun. I don't know. Obviously, you react to what's going on in the sports world for twenty four hours of the last twenty four hours or so. So this obviously was the story we talked about. I did a rant, mostly about the Cowboys. I had about maybe three or four good minutes, if I remember, at the end of the monologue, which was dedicated to Kyler Murray, who was not only a quarterback, he was terrible,

had a terrible performance for the Arizona Cardinals. And so that was on Monday night or Tuesday morning, depending on how you look. It was in the overnight. So all the way later went fast forward till Thursday, and I'm getting these notifications that the Arizona Republic, the newspaper of record in Phoenix, in the state of Arizona, ran a story and I I couldn't believe it. This is a thousand words story on our show and me ripping Kyler

Murray's performance in the game against the Dallas Cowboys. And the tone was that there seemed to be very upset that I was not impressed gascon with Kyler Murray's performance against the Dallas Cowboys, and uh, it's hilarious. I had a smile from ear to ear. I could not believe the stupidity of what has gone on. I have friends that work in the newspaper business. What has gone on

in the newspaper business. What have you done. I will admit that I I am one to defend Kyler Murray on the regular fan boy, but his performance on Monday night reminded me of what Kobe Bryant did in his Game seven against the Boston Celtics when they beat Boston in seven games. He shot six or twenty four in that game, and he would admit he shot like shit. Murray was nine of twenty four and it's not like

the fifteen incompletions were just bad throws. He missed some wide open people, including DeAndre Hopkins, who was the best wide receiver in the National Football League, who was left unmolested at the line of scrimmage on multiple occasions. And this is the one of the worst defenses historically, one of the worst defenses in the history of pro football, which goes back a hundred years. That Dallas Cowboy defense and Kyler Murray for the balance of that game was garbage.

And so I pointed it out, and I you know, I was watching. I was watching again. I'm like, I'm taking some notes down, like you know, the chicken scratch on the game and Murray's performance and he kept missing receivers and I'm like, okay, and I'm going on and on. And then when the game ended, I went back and I crunched the numbers and realized that seventy four, almost seventy of Kyler Murray's passing yards came on two blown coverages by the Cowboys to Christian Kirk and eighty yard

passed and DeAndre Hopkins a sixty yard passed. Outside of those two throws, right, we'll give him credit for that. We'll give Kyler a Patama back and odda boy for those two throws. Outside of that, the rest of the game, the other throws he made twenty two of them, he only completed seven of them for an average I had.

I had typed this in three times to the to the calculator, kyla average two point one yards per pass attempt on his other twenty two throws in the game, and had a passer rating of forty one for the cards. So me pointing this out, I was like, to me, this is like a throwaway thing. You know, people know I'm the I don't like Kyler Murray. Guy. I'm critical of Kyler Murray and I'm taking some gratuitous cheap shots at him. But this he deserved it. He deserved it.

I wasn't doing anything outrageous. I wasn't doing shock jock radio. The guys sucked. But so many people don't watch these games. They don't pay attention. They look at the final numbers and they see the totally oh you know, had he ran for a touchdown? He threw the touchdowns here, He's unstoppable. What another memorable performance, right, and going on another master work from Kyler Murray. I'm like, no, no, none of that, None of that is true, none of that. You know,

this is not a goose bumps inducing performance. In fact, that is not as a sustainable formula for the Arizona Card. They're fraud. If that's how Kyler Murray is gonna play, they're not gonna go They're not gonna do anything. They're not gonna beat anybody good playing like that. So I did this rant and uh and like we said, the Arizona newspaper ran with I sent you this, so you did not actually click on the story. You thought it was right, Guescon. You did not realize what the story

was when I sent this. No, I was guilty of of reading the title only and then through conversation. I started looking at it and bang, your name popped up and I was like, oh, ship, there we go. My name is in the right in the lead. There. My name's.

Radio host Ben Maller was not impressed with Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kyler Murray's performance in eight to ten when they know because on on Twitter on the text you had sent me, it says Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kyler Murray slam for poor performance versus Dallas Cowboys and nothing of you on there, and still not until I open it up and then hashed the memories from twenty nineteen when you had some reporters taking Yeah, well it's also I'd like

to thank the Arizona Republic. I should be on their editorial staff because I'm providing content here for the Arizona Republic. I guess there's nothing to write about in Arizona apparently locally. My god. Uh so, yeah, yeah, it was. It was pretty amusing here I gotta kick out of it, and uh it was like, really, this is what you're doing.

I talked to a couple of buddies of mine and radio who saw the story, and they were we were going back and forth and one of my buddies is a longtime radio guy, pointed out that we are at the point now as sports gas bags, where there is no room for any criticism of the hometown team. It is. It is totally tribal. It's like politics. Sports have become politics. Like there used to be a time where we could bust each other's balls and uh, and I still like

doing that. I guess I'm too old now because I like busting balls on you know, when your team sucks and I I get it. Listen, I I talk a lot of crap. And when the Clippers go out and take a ride in the vomit comet against the Denver Nuggets, they deserve to get ripped. I deserve to get attacked. I'm fine, I'm fair game. But it cuts both ways, right, It's a double edged sword, and people can't handle that and they get all upset and it's it's it's really pathetic.

But I mean it's we're talking about sports, especially in East is where it's it's obvious that it was like, you know, this guy was terrible, this was you know, this is incompetence. It was malfeasance by the quarterback. And I pointed out, I'm the bad guy. Come on, you're making it sound like it's a dereliction of duty. It wasn't that. I mean he averaged the eight he averaged what's seven point because because of the passes though, the

dual threat quarterback. The thing that's the most important is the passing, the runnings, the extra part of it. The passing is the most important. The most important thing is getting points anyway, you're you're wrong, You're the most more thing the running. And we've seen these quarterbacks often get exposed like Lamar Jackson, people like you dumb fans look at and they look at Lamar Jackson, they're like these guys.

Then in the playoffs they take that away and suddenly he's a jumbled mess, right, he's a hot mess in the playoffs. Well, that is one quarterback that's been the postseason. Kylin Murray hasn't yet, but I mean, he was great at Oklahoma. He's been good so far with Arizona. And there are a lot better than that would have been with Josh Rosenhead he stayed there in the Valley of the Sun. So you you don't know that if rosen had stayed and they'd have confidence him. You don't know

that he wouldn't have blossomed into something. But I just love I'm just saying. I'd just saying that, and he's been been a bit of bad. Yeah, but these people that are like Pavlov's dogs when it comes to the hometown team stop. But you know this all too well. Being in Dodger Town, people gravitate towards Clayton Kershaw and god forbid. Oh and I listen, but that's a perfect example. I'm glad listen. I like the Dodges. A lot of people know my history. I did work for Dodger Talk

years ago, and so I have a pass there. But I'll rip Kersha off. I had him traded after his NLCS started. I had him traded to Texas. I traded into the Rangers. I had Dave Roberts fired. Okay, I I the whole thing. I'm you know, maybe it was just slight overreactions, but I'd rather be like that desc on then Oh you could rip Cursea. I had a guy call up the other night on the show and was ranting and raving about how Kershaw was great. He's getting a bad rap, and I'm like, what are you

talking about I know you're a dodging fan. You want to jump in the volcano because they tell you to jump in the volcano. But stop, don't be a blind sheep. You should never be a blind sheep. Ever, I like the Clippers when they suck, I say they suck. I stop,

don't be a lemming. But here's here's the problem, though, is if you're a beat reporter, or if you're just a regular newspaper reporter that oftentimes report on general things like let's say, for Arizona, you go Dimondbacks, you go Arizona or Arizona State, and then you go obviously the Cardinals and maybe the Coyotes or even the Phoenix Suns.

Like you want access to those teams. So if you start trashing them publicly in articles, you know how the media departments are, they will cut you off at the knees and you get granted minimal to know access. I understand how the game works, but there's a lot of

fan boys. It's it's kind of like in politics, there's a lot of political people who are actually working for political parties who are masquerading as you know, as newspaper writers for different operations or reporters on television, but they're actually you know, in the tank. If you also I understand there's that you also have that element which is important. You you've got people that genuinely are you know, they might as well be on the payroll for the team.

It's like I used to we used to talk years ago. I had an executive who who's like you, eventually everything's gonna be you know. It's like when you cover the Patriots, your Patriots dot Com. You know, you worked with the team and and even the newspapers and the TV stations.

I had got a friend of mine in Kansas City told me that after the Chiefs game, I think it was in Buffalo, one of the TV reporters in Kansas City congratulated Andy Reid and his game plan before he asked his question like he was like, it's like total fanboy move, total fan boy move. So that stuff goes on all the time, but it really is. It travels and I I think I I sent this to you.

I don't know if I did, but my one of my favorite scenes in the movie, asked an old movie now, is the opening scene of Major League Remember and the grounds crew is preparing the field there at the ballpark in Cleveland and they're like and they showed also there was a coffee shop and they're like, hey, how are the Indians gonna do this year? And they're like, they suck. They're still shitty. You know, they're still shitty, And uh,

that's perfect, right, that's great. You know. One of the things I like about Minnesota sports fans is I feel like Minnesota still gets it. Like there's a lot of hey, we blow you know, the Vikings, how are they gonna lose this week? Or how are the Twins gonna blow it in the playoffs? Or you know what lottery pick of the Timberwolves gonna screw up? Like I appreciate that, but it's in towns like Phoenix and uh, you know, Cleveland and and some of these other cities that I've

had battles with with the local newspapers. They have no concept, they have no concept of of this. They've they've It's total libelism, is what it is. You're either part of the tribe or you're not part of the tribe. And if you're not part of the tribe, we're gonna decapitate you.

We're gonna take you to the guillotine. I think that's a good thing about how New York media is because you have so many beat writers that work for the Yankees or for the Knicks, or for the Rangers or the Jets, the Giants, that you're taking shots left and right if you're a head coach or a general manager, even the ownership group. And they don't fucking let down either. Like that's that city never sleeps. Those attackers, they hunt,

they hunt. But even that, I will tell you, I'm not as familiar with the New York media as I am in the Boston media because of the stuff I did with the I back in the day. But even the Boston media, there are factions of fan boys. It's not as bulldogg ish as it was because because they, yeah, well the guess right, the Globe own or the Red Sox are on the on the Globe. John Henry I believe owns the Boston Globe, which is the big newspaper. Obviously it's the Herald and the Globe, and so you

control the media. And also Nesson is run by the Red Sox. It's there, it's their baby, and so you know, you gotta gotta look out for my my relatives. My man, So how about this. Let let me throw this back

your way. If you were if you were an owner or maybe even just a general manager of a professional team, and your said team owns an ownership stake in a radio or a television station, or even a newspaper like the you know, Washington Post or or whatever it may be, would you go behind everyone's back and go to the editor of the executive producer and just say, hey, turn the dogs loose on my guys. Be as critical as you can. That way you can motivate them to be

as best as they can be. Yeah. No, because if you own it, Once the public knows that you own the website or the TV channel or the newspaper, it's over. Yeah, it's over. I can't do it. But I get nobody wants criticism. You know. People want to be encouraged. They don't want to be discouraged. Nobody likes critique. Is fine. I thought it was. I thought criticism and critiquing and all that. I feel like it's kind of part of

the gig. But maybe the gig has changed. I know there's a lot of hypocrisy out in the world these days. There's like this this double standard talk about sports but only do it in a positive light about my teams. You know. I was like, I really want you to talk about my team. I get that all the time. I get I get guys. You know that guy in Ohio they bust my balls. He's he's a Steeler fan.

He's you know, near Pittsburgh in the Ohio, you know, at the far end of Ohio there, and he's like, you know, talk about the Steelers and all this stuff. And then you know, if I do do a monologue and then I rip him that, he'll have a coronary. You know, he'll have a court. How could you do that? Oh my god, I can't believe it. I used to like you, and that it's it's it's tremendous. It is wonderful to be alive. It is great to be a love you. You've got to wear kid gloves all the

time apparently to make it. But I get a kick out of it. I like the fact when I when I saw that story we were referencing here in the Arizona Republic, and I just thought it was great. It was like it was like getting a shoulder massage. Uh. It was because I'm never gonna get the meat. You know, people to slobber all over me. So this guy is the greatest, you know, talk show host of all time.

Now that's for coward and people like that. I'm the guy, you know, throwing bombs in the middle of the night is essentially what I know. But I don't even realize I'm throwing bombs. That's the thing about a guess on Like, I don't think what I'm doing is all that you know, shock jockeish or anything like that. I'm just giving opinions about sporting events. I'm watching games, I'm taking down notes

and giving opinions on what I watch. That's it. And you'd think that I am the scumbag of the world, right, I'm just a toolbag and I'm horrible and I'm a large pus filled cyst because I'm talking about these people

the way. Yeah, I would interpret shock Shock Radio as like if you're critiquing like a you know, you're critiquing someone's attire like a reporter or a host, or attacking their attire or their presentation sexual orientation like bullshit like that that has nothing to do with sports as a whole or just even specific to an individual I think of that more is like shock jock, like I need

to get a quick hit out of this. So it goes viral and all of a sudden, social media is say, on that low way or another, I'm on in the middle of the night. I'm just talking. There's no one listening. I'm just talking in the middle night. And these local guys who are insufferable, the local media, who's insufferable? Uh with this it's it's great. And as you pointed out, Estan, and I give you credit for this, because I don't

even realize I was. I was reading that story we referenced in the Arizona Republic, and I didn't even realize that these these Schmendricks um in the valley of the stupid, not the value of the sun, the value of the stupid who wrote the story. They quoted me and put Alligator Arms in the newspaper. Alligator Arms Murray is in the Arizona Republic, the paper of record, which is flabbergasting. Uh.

The nickname. The reason we call him alligator arms for you, you know, we the people, me and the Arizona Republic. The reason me and the newspaper Record in Arizona call him alligators Murray at the NFL scouting combine. Did he not have the shortest arms ever measured at the combine or close to it? Right? Remember that that was the thing they did, the wingspan, and he had the shortest little alligator arms. I'm not gonna I'm not gonna dignify

those comments. This is great. Oh I feel like Fozzy Bear wacka waka waka when I see stuff like this. I mean, my god, is slapstick comedy. It is slapstick comedy. These these people, Let's run a story. Mallard ripped the hometown quarterback. Let's let's kill him. And I was a little disappointed because in the comments section when you sent me the article, there was only three comments. Oh no, no, you you gotta go on on the twitter. Uh yeah,

I'm getting blowback from these slap dicks. Uh, these cardinal guys who were very upset, you know, the people I'm talking about, the low information fan. But even Murray said in the article that he was critical of himself and then he missed open guys exactly. But he only he's allowed to be critical. I can't be critical. Does anybody that's ever played football, watched football? Played Madden Football. Who's objective would say that is not a sustainable way to

play quarterback in the NFL. You cannot win, you can't. It's unsustainable, right, it's untenable. Um, And so pointing that out and this is like a big thing. This is terrible. How did you do? That's like he are demanding a sugar rush, and they're demanding you know, it doesn't matter whether you're being accurate. They just want to hear ra Ra hometown, team ra Ra hometown. That's a dead end street. Though, I'm telling you it's a dead end street. Everyone knows.

I don't know. This is bolton board material. Kylin Murray is four and two. Arizona is in great spot to Yes, yes, no, that I didn't think about that. I thought about like some like the owner of the Arizona Cardinals, you know, getting up an old guy reading the newspaper with this cup of coffee and a bagel and reading this and you know, regurgitating. I wish they had done the rant. One of my great Arizona Cardinal rants was when Cliff

Kingsbury put the social media breaks in during during meetings. Oh, I did some of my greatest work, but that did not Unfortunately, that was not fit to print. I could not persuade the the hacks at the Arizona Republic to put that in unfortunately, so I'm in a weird and odd way for to end. I think the perfect nightmare scenario for you in the super Bowl would be Deshaun Watson and Kyler Murray Houston Arizona on the Super Bowl. That would be a hell of a year to like that.

That would be impressive. Yes, especially considering Houston's one in five to start the year, that would be outstanding. Yes, that would be great. Good luck on that. This tops the gall bladder, This tops biting your tongue after you burn pizza. What about the ships? What about the ships? Stop the ships? I had the ships since I had

my gall bladder taken out. We're coming up after the anniversary show of my gall bladder being taken out, which is coming up November three, which I believe there's something else going on that's slight more importance. But what am I to say? For me, that's the most important thing. But but yeah, this is over under one and a half more articles written about you before the end of the year. Oh of if I just do rants about the Arizona Cardinals. I guess that's I'll take the over.

How wh what do we got? It's football season? Yeah, yeah, I did anybody in Houston right when I was ripping the Astros. I don't know if anybody wrote a story about that in Houston. I know some Houston media guys were upset with me one and I'll take the over on that. I think I'm I'm good for at least one more, and I think I can you know my day of reckoning. I think I can get another one, okay, because you only get Arizona one more time in prime time.

So that's that's why I'm asking, because typically monologues on Sundays to money. I could see I could see Tampa doing something, you know, I take a shot at Brady. I could see somebody in Tampa. But I only do this if they deserve it. Gist. I want you to know I'm fair and balanced. So I get I'm not. I'm not down there. I'm like, I'm not like a snake in the grass just waiting to eviserate. I'm not.

I get that. Yeah, I get that. I'm just I'm curious of where this goes because it's not like you're, like you said, your your audience, it has a specific leap pattern or lack of sleep pattern. So someone was obviously monitoring you or the show at that time. Well, one of the cool things I've noticed here is that, you know, people say, I love the Christian what are you doing overnight show? No one's up at four in the morning. And it's true, most people aren't up at

four in the morning. I get that. But now the great equalizer has been the fact that we're doing these videos online and and so that that really is the equalizer now because now it's not just an overnight show. Now we've got our boomerang out and we've got our catapult and our crossbow and our mullet uh and or musket or whatever, and we're just we're shooting bombs during the day. It would be kind of we did have a mullet, wouldn't mind a mullet at all, man, that

would be good. But but so like before being the overnight guy, the way it works the pecking order, you're holding the butter knife. You're holding the butter knife when you're doing the overnight show. But because of social media and the Internet and these videos that we've been doing for the I T Department, um for Elijah and those guys. Now instead of holding a butter knife, we're holding a machete and every once in a while we get to hold the Samurai sword. So it's it's we've gone up.

We're no longer just holding the butter and we got the machete and occasionally the samurai the Samurai swords. So that's cool, that's neat. We're swashbuckling, right, We're going through the machete, we're walking through the Amazon and we're chopping down trees and yeah, you were, you were getting decimated on social media on that, on that, Oh, I know, it's great, A right, I love it, man, It's it's

it's I I this stupid pity. I know a lot of it's like algorithms and and all that, but I think it's pretty funny that people who are just uneducated rubes do that. If it was they don't even they don't even realize that, they don't even realize that. Every one of those I laugh when I see this. Yeah, if it was my quarterback, I would be piste off and he was missing white open guys they put up thirty eight points on Dallas. They should have blown them

up by fifth or your forty at least. Yeah, it was twenty four of those thirty eight points where the direct result of of mistakes by the cowboyssections fumbles the game out with like a sixty year run. Yeah exactly. That was where you're just trying to run out the clock and the defense laid up. And yeah. So really, if you do the math on this, twenty four points off turnovers. So the Arizona offense without the assist of the Cowboys generated fourteen points. Yeah. And and one of those, uh,

they was that Kenyan Drake touchdown. Was that after a turnover or was that? I don't think that was after a turnover. No, it was after a touchdown, the touchdown from Dallas, So that doesn't even count. So really only one touchdown the Arizona offense generated. It was not either off an interception, fumble or just the Cowboy defense not even trying. So I'm gonna like them in the World Wild Card Game anyway, So good luck there right now.

Dont think they're a payoff teams, so you're you're screwed. Uh, what's what I say? It's weeks six. It gives a ship. I give a ship. I care, am I not my chop deliver here my minced meat. No, but it's it's week six, so he cares about if the playoffs started today, there four and two. I care. I look at that every week. You don't look at the playoff matchups and if we're gonna have you have some good matchups. There was only one by now that that's a big thing, right,

the only one team gets to buy that's big. But part of it's because the NFC East just sucks. Since I'm not worried about like playoff position. Actually, Arizona, excuse me, they are. They are in the playoffs Arizona because they have that those extra teams in there, so they are in. Yeah, that's right. I realized that the win over the Cowboys catapulted them in. Yeah, very very excited. I'm looking at the playoff matchups as of right now. Would be if

we started today. If we started today, you have the Rams and the Bears, who play Monday night would be a playoff game right now. Arrow Zona would play Tampa, Green Bay would play Dallas. That subject to the outcome of that Thursday night game. As we're doing this. We don't know the outcome of the Thursday night game. And then the a f C would have Indianapolis Tennessee, Cleveland would be at Kansas City, and Baltimore at Buffalo. That

would be good. That would guarantee if see, that would suck because that would guarantee either Lamar Jackson or uh the the Bills alan win a game in the in the playoffs. So Josh Allen or Lamar Jackson would be guaranteed a playoff win. Yeah, alright, not moving on. Guess I'm moving on. We have no breaks, no breaks, no days off, no segments off, none of that. So that the other night this is breaks b R E A K S right, not b R A K E S. Yes, yes, exactly.

I don't like the car. This is so the other night. If you listen to the radio show The Hiccups, all of a sudden, you you probably heard this. So we had some more radio drama on the overnight. Now you usually this involves gascon not knowing how to screen calls or not knowing how to put calls in the air. But this time, the other night, I was putting the finishing touches on a Marconi worthy amount of monologue, and as I'm winding down the monologue, I give out the number.

I usually do that at the end of the monologue and say, you know, send us messages, you know, come on, militia whatever, rah ra, do the old battle cry. So I did that, give out the number. And I was about to do my tease. I like to tease something I'm gonna talk about later in the hour. You tease to please, right, tease, you gotta please. And so then this voice pops up in my headphones. Don't break, keep going. It's the voice of God. No, it's Cooper Loop telling

me not to break. So obviously something is going on. I don't know what's going on at this point, so I start rambling. I you know, I was kind of ready to wind down, and I start to rambling about jibbers. I think I read some comments on Twitter. UM. And so keep in mind, I'm in the remote FSR studios at the Mallard Mansion, so I'm totally in the dark on what's going on. Totally I don't know what's going on. UM, but I gotta kill time because you know, that's the deal.

We're doing commercial free radio. UM. And it turns out that the main computer system that are engineers such as Roberto, use to play all of the sound effects, the music, and most importantly the spots a k a. The commercials.

You know why they're called spots, by the way, guest, And you know where they call commercial spots and radio I do not because in the old days, when we used carts, there would be a little they would be color coded by a numbered, but they'd be color coded with different colored spots, those little little dots, you know, those little sticker dots and a little spots. So it takes some you know, the green a couple of green spots,

red spot, it's blue spots whatever, but their number but different. Anyway, uh so talk about a non secretary. So so anyway, we didn't have any commercials. They didn't pooped the bed. And Roberto's running around like a banshee trying to figure out what the hell is going on, and so I'm I'm just talking la la la la la la la la la la la la la. And apparently he had to go out of that studio. He had to go

down the hall. He had to patch some things. He goes down the hall, turns right then he had to do a left and then another turn and he walks down the hallway to this other room with the master control the backup, and he was able to play some commercials. He we had no bumper music for most of that hour. We did it dry. We did it dry, threw to Eddie. There was no sound effects or anything like that. It was about thirty minutes, about thirty minutes where we did

have some commercials because it was fired remotely. But then the thing reset and was able to get it fixed. And it's the magic of live radio, my man. They say the show must go on. You gotta keep on trucking, guest on, you gotta keep on trucking. That's not the record Me and Looney back in the day on the Blitz.

The system went in the toilet and circled the drain and we ended up doing I believe the record is forty five minutes or so of commercial free radio on Fox Sports Radio, no breaks, no nothing, because everything was broken. But how it's difficult is that it's no different from you know, like that's doing TV right outside of just having picture content and you can reference what do you what do you mean? What are you talking about? Well,

like if you're doing forty five minutes a commercial free radio. Like, how challenging is that for to you? Or no? It's not. If I'm no, I I don't mind. I'm not. If I'm prepared for it, I don't mind. But I'm not prepared for It's like if you say, hey, you know do this, but then okay, well you gotta just on the fly, right adapter die, You go with the tide

wherever the tide takes you, right you? You texted me parts of that story a few days ago, and as you texted me that story, it was like text by text. I was actually watching a YouTube video on most extreme landings at airports. I don't know why I brought that up, but it was like pretty that's that's also non sequity. It was, but it just made me think of that,

like how horrific that would be if you're not. Because you've told me you've had instances like in your younger days where you weren't prepared and so that's why you over prepare. Now yes, yes, uh, the first radio show I ever did was by myself, by myself. I've done radio, and I had done radio with partners and in different people. The Great loose hours, last Call Lou We called them back in the day, Lee Kleine, and a bunch of

other people in my early days. But the first show I did by myself was like a Saturday morning, and I had prepared and prepared and prepared, and I came him out and I just nailed my monologue, my first ever Malon monologue by myself, put my big boy pants on. I just killed it, and I gave out the number, and I had prepared nothing else for the rest of the show, and uh, and I started having the flop sweat. And I put so much effort into the to the

beginning of it. I did not even didn't even go into my brain that there's like another three hours you have to fill here. So it was a problem. I might remember. The program director that day was Bo Bennett, and he's in there watching, you know. He came in. Great job, man, you really did a good job of the monologue. And I can only imagine if he kept listening what he was thinking after that, how bad it was.

So yeah, I said, never again, never again. I go into every show not needing Eddie to say anything, Coop Roberto, not needing any callers. I always have enough material to kill the time. And that is That is my promise. That is my promise. Yeah, you went from two pump chump to a little d rance. That's good. I'm proud of you. I think most people start out like that, guest, and I think that's usually how that works, and build up some endurance and some you know usually no, well,

maybe you haven't built up some endurance. You want to talk about that. There's a pill for that if you want, there is, But I don't feel like being like that for four hours. Yeah, it's all about perseverance. Guess it's all about perseverance. You gotta persist, you gotta right, you gotta be determined. Not in this year. We don't do that anymore. Right that that's that's shamed. If you show any kind of persistence or or a tough skin, thick skin,

that that's that's condemned. You're supposed to give up, is what you're supposed to do, right, You're supposed to tap out. That is no moss. It's never supposed to be grueling. Life is never supposed to be grueling. You cannot be stressed out at all. No, no, no no, it's roll speaking of being stressed out. I had some. I had some your your fanboys and Syco fans that we're actually begging

you now to barbecue Tomahawk. I really appreciate those guys on my behalf kind of reaching out and saying it's time, it's time. I did like the I did like the hard o move of you tweeting out steaks. What a you know, what a narcissistic, insufferable dick David Yes, cooking for the fan parents, brother in law, anyone else that wanted to come over. I was, I was. I was meriting the steaks differently, and then I did scalops along the way. It's a little surfing turf action, and I was.

I was happy about the performance. Yeah, I don't like the surfing turf. I'm not a fan. You don't like scalops. No, I don't like shrimp. I don't like I don't like fish. I don't I'm not a fish guy. The only fish I eat is beer battered beer battered. Well. I used to eat too I was a kid, but that. I don't even like tuna because my mom fed it to me every other day when I was in elementary school. My stupid metal lunch boxes eat peanut butter and jelly, which I still like. I just I don't need it

much anymore as an adult. And then it was it was tuna fish dangwich. I don't warm warm tuna exactly because by you know, my mom may she rested peace. She did not quite realize she put a little ice pack in there. But by the time the ice pack those in those early ice packs, it didn't last. You drop your kid off at school at seven thirty in the morning, and you have lunch at twelve thirty, and that thing is is you know, and you usually they'd have us put our lunch boxes like outside back in

the old days, outside the classroom. Just put your lunch boxes out there because nobody stole anything. And uh yeah, it's really great. How that you eat a warm tuna fish sandwich. The way the mayonnaise kind of works in with the tuna fish and the smell. It's just great, just wonderful. Can we get to some of the pop quiz. Yes, let's do a few pop quiz because your actual questions from actual well not these are things I found on

the internet. These are not actual questions for actual people, all right, and you can play along you can play along. So thirteen you're listening. Thirteen percent of people seeking a divorce cited this as the reason. No, Uh, their partner doesn't text enough? Is that allowed? Is that a reason not to be married anymore? That your partner does not text? Not anymore? I mean you're stuck in doors of that person now? Or are you stuck indoors? Who knows? In California?

You are with the monarchy in California. But it's possible in Michigan. Yeah, well Michigan. But if you blow the Mason Dixon line, you're not right. That's true alright. A recent survey says, and this is upsetting to me, A recent survey says, you will find this inside the refrigerator and of homes in America right now. Um, I can't ranch? Yes?

How horrible is that? How sad? For what a sad I think snapshot of American I think I saw you earlier in the week twitting out one of your listeners that was eating a Ben Mallard sandwich with ranch all over it. Right, Uh, no, that was not ranch. Again, you're not good at this. That's a bad job by you. You look at that photo closer, Okay, because can you

you can you put it up there? That's that from the sports Book Bar and Grill in Denver, right, there's two locations, by the way, do you know there's two locations. There's two locations. There's two locations. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, so the sports Book Bar and Grill, and you you look there at the menu. Now that what you're looking at here, guesscan is the most perfect chicken sandwich you can possibly have, the most perfect chicken sandwich you can possibly have. Uh,

that is perfection, is what it is. And that is not ranch dressing. Let me be very very clear here. This is not ranch dressing. Uh that you want to take a guess what that is on top there? Boy? Yes, that is correct. So then here's my question. Is looking at the time stamp of when that tweet was sent to you, that is the Mallard Buffalo chicken sandwich. Why did why did you not cuts him out for sending

you food porn because my name's on it? Dummy? Why would I curse somebody out when they it's a sandwich with my name on it? Because there's a beer? Yeah,

just perfect. Listen, that is a fried chicken breast tossed in hot sauce with blue cheese dressing, lettuce and tomato, big a side of fried that's a that's a wonderful sandwich right there, and uh it's it's great and that they have a lot of good stuff on the menu there, But I think the Mallard sandwich, the Mallard buffalo chicken sandwich is by far the best thing on the menu that can get tater tots, onion rings, all the proper all the proper sides there. I'm gonna go to Denver

just to eat at that local. There's two. There's one in uh eat actual Denver proper and then the original one is in Greenwood Village, Colorado, which obviously in the same area there in Denver. Yeah, so all right, let's see one in five single people will use this picture as one of their online dating profile pictures. What is it? A business head shot? No Halloween costume? That's fucking lamb.

Why is it lame? I disagree with you? Maybe tell you something my wife when I met her, I met her first started in I met her online, and she had a photo. Women's Halloween costumes are very sexy, a little bit different, That's what I'm saying. No by women put on Halloween costumes, are you know, showing off with their mama gave them? You know not not not shameful about that? All right? Uh? Sale nor suldn't they be? Sales of this item are up over two this year.

What is toilet paper? Now? This one's odd? Pinball machines? Yeah, it's just like w NBA ratings going up because three more people watched. Is that? Is it the same same concert? Up? Is it? I don't know? Thank you? Yes, all right. A News survey says more than Americans have no idea how to do this with their car or truck. What is it? I would say, either change the tire or change the oil. No, jump start the car. Yeah, that's pretty easy. Like I'm old though I learned how to

do that. I mean when I learned how drive, Like my mom and dad were like, you have to learn how to change a tire and you have to learn how to jump start the car. But that was back before we had apps. Were at a moment's notice, the you know, the tow truck will show up at your doorstep and the auto club but whatever you use. So do you know how to jump start a car? Guess? Have you ever jump started a car? I have, Yes,

I've I have. Also, I think there's you can. There's nothing scarier though, than trying to change a tire on the shoulder of a frua. That ship is fucking scary. Yeah. I did that one time in San Diego. I was driving. I was working in San Diego and my my tire, the I think it was the back rear tire blew out on the eight I was the eight oh five and anyway, I got I pull over and yeah, the cars were zooming by, and I'm like, all right, I gotta change this tire, and like, I'm not changing the tire.

I tried, and I just I waited for a tow truck. I'm like, I'm not gonna do it with the driver driver's side. I assume, uh, yeah, it must have been driving. I thought it was the background. I don't remember. I must it was close enough to the highway where I was. I had the heebie geebs, so I don't actually remember which. I might have been the back rear tire, but it was just you know, there's no room there on the

side of the road. You're like, right, the cars. All it takes is one jackass, one donkey to hit you and your boom. You're done, lights out, all right. A new survey says more than of Americans have no idea. We just did that one nearly here we go nearly twenty saying, her parents say they've saved at least one of these from their kid. When your child was a baby teeth no a bib? Oh did your parents save a little guest? Gone bibe? I don't think so. No.

I was a fucking mess, though. Well, isn't every kid a fucking mess when they're little kids? My sisters weren't. I was, huh? I mean my mom saved everything, man, she kept everything. Yeah, when it comes to you know, she loved their kids so much. Everything baby, book, teeth, hair, your name, a trophy, trophies. Yeah, all right. Calling to a recent survey, what is the one thing people judge about your home? Your bathroom, or your kitchen, No, no

kicking another guess your entertainment center, dude. Due, Now that's what West of the four or five people do. See. This is the difference. This is the dichotomy. West of the four or five is guests gun the rest of us simpletons, the rest of his simpletons. Don't believe. No, I'm a bathroom and kitchen guy. That's what I was asking. No. No, the number one thing people judge your home on when you go to somebody else's home is the smells. Smell. Yeah,

the smell. Does it smell good? So for you you should light like a vanilla candle or something so it smells good, guest gun rather than your flatulence. I got the those humidifiers and I put like the little you know, like the little fragrance drops in there. It's usually good. They are they fruity? No, Like there's one that's like coated for like alert alarm immunity. Um, let's say you put them in the water and yeah, it kind of livens up the room, but doesn't have like some kind

of pungent or the stink tasteful smell to it. No, alright, people who do this at least ten times a month say they experienced withdrawal symptoms if their routine is stopped. What is it drinking? No, No, it's not drinking or drugs tanning? Who would tan ten times a month? Doesn't that seem a little excessive? Yeah, but we go Am I wrong? I don't know that I don't know the tanning game, but that seems a little, a little excessive to Yeah, we've got a lot of people at tan

out here though you live in California. Why the funk would you need to tan? Because people, you know how it is. It's instant gratification like it is for Facebook or Twitter or anything else. They people want to quick, they don't want to wait. Now I'm gonna ask you, and this is a very important question. All right. If you don't get this right, I'm gonna slap you around. Don't be a slaptic Greatest sun tan story in sports history, all right, guest, gun, here we go. This involves tanning.

Greatest sports story involving tann Do you have the answer? Oh, fun, you don't have the answer, and I have on the tip of my tongue too. That's right, I don't believe you. Goes back to the year twenty two, early days of Fox Sports Radio, and a Baltimore Oriole outfielder not more known as a Minnesota twin, Marty Cordova, was injured, got a severe sunburn. He fell asleep in a tanning bed. Yeah, and he had to direct he had to Doctors told him to avoid direct sunlight, and so he was benched.

He couldn't play for several games. They didn't put him on the on the injured list, but or the disabled list as they called it then. But Marty cord Over missed multiple games because of a sunburn from falling asleep in a tanning bed. There you go, that's pretty good. I don't remember that story. It's a good story, man, that's I can't believe it's been eighteen years. Man, we had so much fun with that. I was doing Ben Mallard dot com at that time, and we had a

We had a lot of traction. People love that story. They couldn't get enough of it. All Right, if you if you, if you rent Ben Mallard dot com today, do you think it would be better than it was back in the day. Um, it would be different. I think it would be good. Um, I have confidence I could find fine. So there's there's more content out there, but it's more spread out, so it's different. Bed. If somebody wants to bring back Ben mallet dot com, my

ears are open. Everyone's got their price. Everyone's got their price. You know that the price is right. Let's make a deal. I'd be willing to do it, and I'd be all

about it. Remember one of my my buddies who's a basketball writer and was a huge fan of Ben Mallet dot com love the website, and uh, he would come up to me and destroy me about how I I fucked up because at that time it was like, uh, dead Spin was big, and there were a couple of other sides, and all these other sites that were my contemporaries all sold and got these huge deals, these shoes revenue, like the Big Lead and all that monitor, you know,

and I never did, Like I had partnerships with Fox sports dot com and Yahoo, but I never really I never sold it the proprietory rights to it. I never really made any real money on it. And the guy you would bust my balls about how I didn't monetize that, and he's right, I I don't know what's said it. He's correct. Yeah, that's all. It's kind of curious if

your if your stuff would would play out now. And I think because I think the key thing to this and and it's kind of like with Ben Mallay dot com, it's it's making it's finding a problem and creating solution. There's so many things out there on Twitter and social media and websites. Like people who have lives, like real jobs, don't have time to go through that all that content to mind what's good And so as you cultivate content and you put it together, it's you're making it easier

on people. That's true. So people would absolutely love it because instead of reading, you know, trying to scan around for seven million different places to find you know, what, what the news is, you just go to one place and it's all it's all piled up for all. Right. I think we've done this one before, but if time travel were possible, fifty of us would change this about our lives. You remember what this is, guest. I think we've used this one before. Who we dated? Not changing

your college major? Noah, al right, About seventy two of Americans live within an hour of blank. They're we'll live an hour h within their parents. Yes, I do. Shout out to my brothers who lived thousands of miles away from our our only living parents, my father. Well today it's an hour. Today it's an hour, but tomorrow it could be two or three hours. Well, that's true. Well, if I go, if I go like four in the morning,

it's it's an hour. But if I go an yeah, uh you live, you live within an hour of your your parents. Yes, my grandmother, um, well one of them, she's the only one that's still alive. Um. But my sisters are all out and who else. Most of my other family that has all been from l A. They've all dispersed, like in the Utah, Idaho, Arizona, Florida. Like everyone's like gotten the funk out of California. Good for them.

My cousins who I grew up with part of the time, they moved around a lot, but I lived with him when I was a little they are I've got relatives in Arizona, Colorado, Florida, Texas, Connecticut. They've moved all over the country, well Connecticut, over the country by Connecticut. Uh well that is because they when they were kids, they lived in New York. They lived in Westchester County, and so that cousin moved back there because she likes she liked living in that area. But she just moved over

to Connecticut. And uh yeah, so what's that famous story in Westchester County? What am I thinking of? They made a God, I'm having a mental block here. Not the headless Horseman, but something like that. I don't remember, but there's some famous story. There's a bridge and all that, and I they lived right near there. They they lived in Terrytown, which is north think the Nicks used to train. I don't know if they still do. They used to train in Terrytown. Do you and do you go out

there at all? I used to visit when I was kids. I mean, they don't live there, and my my aunt passed away and they you know, they moved all over the country. So yeah, but I used to go back there when I was a kid and go back to New York and hang out with them up Hollow. Is that what you're thinking about, Yes, Sleepy Hollow, that's it, thank you, Yes, Sleepy Hollow. That's what I was thinking about that. You guess Halloween time. Nothing wrong with that,

full of you, full of information. That that cool area though. That that's the nice thing about it. As you can go Boston, Connecticut, New York, Philly, d C. With the train, Rhode Island, you name it, you know, anywhere you want there. Yeah, it is neat. It's it's cool. A lot different here. You can drive for eight hours and still be in California. You know, it's like, it's crazy, the state with no power and the state with an oligarch who's running things here. Yeah,

it's great. Let's see here, any meany money, We'll do a couple more. More. People have been doing this in the kitchen due to the pandemic cooking well, yeah, but canning fruit and veggies. Yeah, no, you don't can fruit and veggies. Yes, you know, I freeze. It isn't that kind of the same thing. You're just gonna put it in a bag instead of a can. Yeah, But when you put it in a can, don't you need to put preservatives in that. I have no idea. I've never put fruit or veggies in a can. I don't know

how that works. I have no idea. All right, this is important, guest gun, because if you ever do get married that you're gonna need this. Pent of women do not like being called this by their husband. Honey, No, babe, trop trophy wife. Boy, that's my trophy wife over there. No, it sounds like a hard ocindo when you do that, don't you He kind of sounds like I mean, but if it's true, though, do you see coach Oh, we talked about that in the ra coach. Oh is photos

going around at him with the younger lady there. That's his trophy. They're not married, but that's like his trophy wife. You know, how old do you think she? I say, she's about thirty five. Yeah, it looks about thirty. But he's almost sixty. So yeah, that's the twenty five year age gap give her take. That's pretty large, right, yeah, I guess. So where she from anyway, I don't know anything about her. I just saw two photos of her, one in the pool and one in the bed. I

don't know anything about her. It's gonna be looking good looking lady, but I don't know. Kind of reminds me of Cliff Kingsbury from a few years ago. I remember what he was doing. I guess at the pool party something like that. Well, the coaches, the way to get the beautiful young women is to be a coach. Mike Zimmer, right, Zimmer in the Minnesota We talked about him in the past, and then Coachoe. What about Jeff Bezos, Yeah, well there's

another one. You look at the evolution of Jeff Bezos right from nerd tech guy to a balden genius with all the hotties. Great personality, right, Like, it's amazing how much better your personality gets when you have a gazillion dollars in the bank. All right, Surprisingly, this business, it is a surprise, has not been doing well during the pandemic, with visits down nearly thirteen percent over the summer. Um,

do do do do this business? The dentist, now, the drug store was because people aren't going to doctors unless they have the corona, so they're not getting medicine to treat their Maybe I bought this is this hurting fiser? I bought some antibiotics a few days ago. It costs Congratulations, it cost me two dollars and two cents. That's good. That is unthinkable five six, seven years ago. So is that because if you're your insurance, obviously they covered the

balance of it there. Yeah, so okay, last one here of people admit that they have lied to get out of this out of a ticket, no, a wedding, A wedding. Yeah, yeah, success, And I would assume that would be to attend to wedding, right, like, I can't make it, but not if you're actually in the wedding. You can't pull a Richard Jefferson and just at the last minute, like I thought being in a wedding would be cool, and then I had all my friends started getting married, and then I started being in them,

and it sucking. Sucked because you gotta because you gutta start paying for ship. You gotta start paying the you know, get the tuxedo, and then you gonna start paying for an additional gift for the groom and they're gonna worry about like obviously the bachelor party, which is prior to number one, but everything else is just a fucking hassle. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I've all I've been in some weddis. It

was like my relatives or whatever, but that's it. I don't I don't think anyone has has really had me other than relatives. But a lot of the people I know, we're already married. Like when I got into radio, a lot of the people were already are older than me and they've been married and all that stuff. So it's a a wee bit different. What we bit different? What's your take on getting someone that's already been married once

a second time getting them a gift? Um, I think you go smaller, you can get him, So yeah, But don't go big. You get the big gift the first time you get married. The second time, you know, not so much. But what if the woman has only been married, or what if that's our first time getting married. Um, then that's a little bit. It depends how much you like him. It depends how much you like him, right enough? Yeah, so all right, Well that'll do it. Thank you, appreciate that.

I remember Benny versus the penny. If you've made it all the way here, download that. Tell a friend it's marginal handicapping on the NFL for all the games on Sunday and Monday. Be sure to catch live editions of The Ben Maller Show weekdays at two am Eastern eleven pm Pacific.