* An enigma wrapped inside a…wait, what does that word mean? * Wait, what did you call it??? (Take a guess) * Buffalo Bills, the preferred team of all Mossad agents * How to not write a news story * You know, Epstein was pretty close with many MAGA figures * Bannon’s crisis PR business? * Tulsi and the “seditious conspiracy” * Russia redux * Michael McDonald’s Faye Dunaway story * … Thank you for subscribing. Leave a comment or share this episode ....
Jul 21, 2025•1 hr 34 min
* Crazy from the heat * AMA * Who is Jim Walden?? * The dumbest civil war * So we have to discuss the Epstein “issue” again, eh? * I think we solved the case… * Leaving breadcrumbs in the archives * Jimmy Carter and the aliens * That’s a lotta airstrikes * The plastic surgery exception * Kurt Russell, American * The next, hottest Nobelist Thank you for subscribing. Leave a comment or share this episode ....
Jul 17, 2025•1 hr 31 min
* Matt discovers Mass * Because Matt is cruisin’ * Boats and hoes * An ultra exclusive event! The Fifth…on the high seas?? * The Epstein hoax * Very dumb people holding empty Trapper Keepers * Fake numbers transform into facts! * Does anyone know how this stuff works? * The client list ███████ █████ * Why do people want this stuff to be true? * A few notes on the forthcoming film Eddington * The BLM victory failure * The forever revolt against the elites * Two overlooked terror attacks in Texas ...
Jul 10, 2025•1 hr 43 min
A few weeks ago, we mentioned that newly minted Iran expert Joy Reid went on CNN and provided her damning verdict on America’s relationship with Iran: acktchully, she gravely intoned, the United States brought the ire of the Iranian dictatorship upon itself by engineering the 1953 coup against the “democratically elected” Iranian leader Mohammed Mossade… Thank you for subscribing. Leave a comment or share this episode ....
Jul 10, 2025•42 min
As the Supreme Court wraps up its term, the boys again summon Damon Root, author of Overruled: The Long War for Control of the U.S. Supreme Court , to break down the various rulings (for those of us who don’t pay attention but still want to convince Scott Bakula to time travel and deport baby Kmele). Post-Damon, another hour…during which Matt tells the story of his car being smashed up by Russian trash men (which, surprisingly, is not a euphemism), Zohran code switches , the Big Ugly Bill lurche...
Jun 30, 2025•1 hr 49 min
* Fleeeeeeeee * Don’t mess with the Zohran * Andrew Cuomo, Shah of NYC * Eric Adams to the rescue? (Oof) * Post-colonial Disney movies * Scarcity Democrats * Pull the fire alarm on this drunk idiot * This means nothing for national Democratic politics * And isn’t about Israel * Were the bunkers busted? * Hot Ukrainians save lives * NATO not so bad after all * Joy Reid, smug master of Wikipedia * OKC saluted Thank you for subscribing. Leave a comment or share this episode ....
Jun 27, 2025•1 hr 27 min
No listener mail this time. We’ll double up on the next Members Only. Just an hour-long conversation about Iran… (Moynihan note upon relisten: Qasem Soleimani was the commander of the Quds Force within the IRGC, not the IRGC itself) Thank you for subscribing. Leave a comment or share this episode ....
Jun 22, 2025•1 hr 3 min
Two episodes in one! First, the lads discuss Iran, the legacy of the Iraq War, and MAGA’s internecine battles over foreign policy. And then Harry Siegel, the great chronicler of New York City politics, stops by to answer that hugely important question: will the financial capital of the world, the city with the largest Jewish population outside of Israel, soon be governed by an anti-capitalist weirdo who thinks that “globalize the intifada” is just another way of saying “give peace a chance”? Tha...
Jun 20, 2025•1 hr 35 min
Look, you people (OK, like five of you) demanded it, so now yer gonna get it, good and Californian: A cassingle on the late, great Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys, and some perhaps under-known ways in which he and they shaped the music industry and culture that we continue to live in today. Along the way we get into garages, punk rock, 12-strings, the benefits of boosterism, the perils of nostalgia, and much more. Then I close it with some selections from obits written by pals. Some referenced/re...
Jun 19, 2025•1 hr 56 min
Moynihan and Welch talk to Nadav Eyal, senior columnist for Yedioth Ahronoth and one of Israel’s most prominent (and best-sourced) journalists. Typically, we would keep a bonus episode like this one behind the paywall. We were feeling generous today. But never rely on our continued generosity. So subscribe, cheapskate! * Meetings cancelled, meetings kept * How the attack on Iran unfolded * James Bond is a Jew * Taking out the IRGC leadership and partially neutering Iran’s missile capabilities * ...
Jun 14, 2025•1 hr 3 min
Senator Rand Paul joins the lads to lament the big, beautiful bill; the big beautiful Soviet military parade; the Twitter halfwits waging war on him; his party’s descent into populist voodoo economics; whether or not he’s an advocate of “open borders”; and what he makes of Marines on the streets of Los Angeles. After the senator leaves, Foster, Moynihan, and Welch stick around to discuss…all those same issues. Thank you for subscribing. Leave a comment or share this episode ....
Jun 12, 2025•1 hr 19 min
* A grim anniversary * Elon’s brilliant troll * The big, ugly bill * Bannon tells the truth. But is still a liar * How dare they attack their attacker?? * They have cards * Asymmetric and immoral * Changing minds…by human sacrifice * The blackest propaganda * The New York Times v. Palantir * And much, much more Thank you for subscribing. Leave a comment or share this episode ....
Jun 06, 2025•1 hr 18 min
* ABBA’s Vietnam * Barnen i Nicaragua * Mike Tyson, Ratso, and Cus the Communist * Burning down the house / sort of scolded by a firefighter * The rent is too damn free * Everyone is contemptuous of everyone * Is Trump the Bernie Goetz of Harvard? * Rebutting “higher ed is just fine” revisionism * From YAF to Students for Liberty to Turning Point… * Dating apps, height discrimina… Thank you for subscribing. Leave a comment or share this episode ....
Jun 03, 2025•1 hr 39 min
* Racist Macca? * Some bad names * In praise of (trans?) Pee Wee * Does Long Duck Dong denounce his past? * Was that a Reaganite video game? * Trade war nonsense: the court says…maybe not * Moynihan’s $700 dress (including a $250 tariff) * Kmele on CNN * The end of Elon * Just like Reagan and Thatcher but not all * No suspects, no DNA, no fingerprints, no leads * MI:7 DEI Thank you for subscribing. Leave a comment or share this episode ....
May 30, 2025•1 hr 8 min
* We think we *might* have talked about politics in this episode? * Happy anniversary Christian Cooper! * Talking to the dude who made those drug PSAs * The Glug (1981) * 2020: The year that broke America * Burning down the house (almost) * The tax protestor in our midst * Johnny Rotten, Johnny Ramone, the Plastic People, and the politics of punl * Nick of Schumpeterian Gatsby… Thank you for subscribing. Leave a comment or share this episode ....
May 28, 2025•1 hr 30 min
* The ritual humiliation white genocide slide show! * That’s not really true. But it doesn’t really matter, does it? * Trolling with refugees * That Mandela picture MM mentioned… * Uncle Paul * “Well do you DENOUNCE that language? Huh? Huh? Did you even say thank you??” * The big, not-so-beautiful bill * The trillion dollar dome * Gaza and the “14,000” * Our Original Sin and Korean Robert * When did he lose it? * That Christie clip is actually six years old. But here it is . Thank you for subscr...
May 22, 2025•1 hr 26 min
* Jack London and hobo Oakland * The lovely government of Qatar * Trump in Saudi * A carnival of corruption * Chasing heroes… * The end of the “introventionalists” * But do they *fear* him? * The new Chomskyites * Declining freedom… * Trump’s fat, rich friend who wants price controls * The triumph of gesture politics * Black Leo Thank you for subscribing. Leave a comment or share this episode ....
May 15, 2025•1 hr 38 min
You demanded, we complied. Last month in this space, I interviewed science/technology/Covid journalist David Zweig about his great new book, An Abundance of Caution : American Schools, the Virus, and a Story of Bad Decisions . It was a bracing conversation, filled with damning media/elite criticism, blue-state horrors, and F-bombs galore. Then a funny thing happened: Dozens of you wonderful paying subscribers said Mr. Welch, tear down this paywall, so we can share this with our normie friends! A...
May 14, 2025•1 hr 13 min
* The Bill Bixby of East Egg * Figure it out, people * Solitude: City vs. Country (not a reference to the Jonathan Richman song , btw) * Allemansrätten and who makes the most money in your postal code * Jawohl CHEF! * Banning internships will help the poor * “Worse than Watergate” and the Ballad of G. Gordon Liddy * How does one start restoring a car * The brilliance of our mod… Thank you for subscribing. Leave a comment or share this episode ....
May 12, 2025•1 hr 23 min
UPDATE: The initial version of this episode was missing two audio clips, both of them featuring exceptionally stupid people saying exceptionally stupid things. To be honest, you were be better off not hearing either of them. But the episode has been corrected, the punishing stupidity included, and now you’re worse off… * Notes from a live event (going live later today ) * Fifdom represents * Spotify exposes! * RIP Swampy * India, Pakistan, and the American retreat * Ending power, hard and soft *...
May 08, 2025•1 hr 56 min
* Tickets for tomorrow’s Moynihan-moderated debate at the Village Underground can be purchased here ! And subscribe to the Moynihan Report YouTube channel ! * Winnipeg land acknowledgements * Prison competition * Tariffs for erotic French movies * Traitorous Hollywood not paying enough to make movies * A listener wants to talk about Steph Curry * Rare books * Lying on the fact… Thank you for subscribing. Leave a comment or share this episode ....
May 06, 2025•1 hr 29 min
They’re all back. And they recorded a very fun, very long one…during the day…to minimize drunken regrets. So many topics are covered—the Koch brother, the last episode, bad interviewers, bad manners, the strange new media, the strange new Ukraine strategy, exit Walz, etc—that we might as well dispense with the usual bullet points and just get right into it…Enjoy! Thank you for subscribing. Leave a comment or share this episode ....
May 03, 2025•2 hr 11 min
Moynihan couldn’t make it (we don’t know where he is, but if you see a shirtless man yelling at a parking meter in lower Manhattan, please let us know). In his absence, Kmele and Welch cover a wide swath: alien oceans and scientific hype cycles, the collapse of local journalism, the rise of YouTube basketball nerds, and why Luka Dončić is the people’s MVP. They also wade into darker waters—federal crackdowns on campus speech, student visa censorship, and the increasingly authoritarian posture of...
May 01, 2025•1 hr 25 min
Errr….This one gets pretty heated. But we’re all still friends! We think. And Moynihan is now sober and his blood sugar is back to normal, so there’s that too. Either way, hats off to Batya for braving another episode with three people who disagree with her on pretty much everything. We talk Tariffs, Trump, lawfare, Ukraine, and everything in between. Thank you for subscribing. Leave a comment or share this episode ....
Apr 24, 2025•2 hr 5 min
* The Hungarian dentist and the prostitute theory * Your TV wife sees Hitler all the time, no? * Facilitate… * Dinners with politicians * A digression on Big Star ( FYI: "Holocaust” ) * Elder scams * Apple Watches and proof of life * Back to Rogan and Murray * A trip to Libya for a copy of the Green Book * #9 Fifth Dream * Doing an impression of a smart person / Paul believes * A theory … Thank you for subscribing. Leave a comment or share this episode ....
Apr 23, 2025•1 hr 39 min
On May 11, 2020, as I was navigating personal collapse (“it’s been a really shitty two months,” I said on an interesting-to-listen-to-now Special Dispatch #20 ), my two daughters were wrestling unhappily with Zoom school, and all three of us lads were in the process of buying Covid cars, I came across a Wired article that landed like a Cher-style open-ha… Thank you for subscribing. Leave a comment or share this episode ....
Apr 21, 2025•1 hr 13 min
Moynihan is out with a “tooth thing” (which sounds lame, but is allegedly a “painful,” “very serious” dental emergency that definitely doesn't involve a tall, attractive blonde woman). Fortunately, our pal Jesse Singal ( Blocked and Reported , Singal-Minded ) is along for the ride, and outlines the plans for his heroic crusade to save THE REPUBLIC by beefing with JD Vance on X. We dive into Trump 2.0’s extra-constitutional improvisations, fail to steer clear of trade policy, and search desperate...
Apr 18, 2025•1 hr 26 min
Is this episode 500?? Well, not really. Likely a bit higher. There have been some numbering convention mixups over the years and we’ve also recorded almost 300 paywalled episodes (yes, you should subscribe now, ya skinflints). But let’s just pretend it’s 500 and say…happy 500th episode, Fifth Column! * Waymo through skid row * The dumb right * Dead cats bounce * They took brown doublewides from us * Nixon, but in the open * Where are the Dems? * Besides magic * The DEI trade off? * The sweet met...
Apr 10, 2025•1 hr 43 min
* Val, Tombstone, Top Secret * Top Gun takes it to 11 * One the best Hollywood memoirs * RIP Capucine * African-American Monday * Johnny Depp, musician * OK TIME TO TALK ABOUT THE COLLAPSING ECONOMY * Spartacus moment? Once they start flipping… * “They couldn’t believe it. Ben Shapiro, of all people…” * A Norwegian. A Dane…and a guy who *isn’t Finnish, Matt* * On the best fight of … Thank you for subscribing. Leave a comment or share this episode ....
Apr 07, 2025•1 hr 42 min
* We bring back the great economist Scott Lincicome to separate MAGA myths from inconvenient facts on trade, trade imbalances, ChatGPT math, and getting “ripped off” by our (former?) allies. * Note: watch Kmele and Moynihan (and Gerald Posner) on the latest episode of the Moynihan Report * Eli’s new Liberation Day jam * These tariffs are dumb * Really, really dumb * Ruinously dumb * Laura Loomer is dumb * Tom Sowell isn’t dumb * MAGA’s Iraq Thank you for subscribing. Leave a comment or share thi...
Apr 04, 2025•1 hr 31 min
