Family Identity

what we say at family ID is where family identity is strong, peer pressure is weak, but where family identity is weak, peer pressure is strong, in fact it's insurmountable, and that doesn't just go for our teenagers at school and on the playground for our younger ones, that goes for us as parents.

Yes, that goes for me as a husband and a dad that goes for my wife. Peer pressure is real. But when we understand who we are and when we can grasp onto something that is identity and say, no, no, no, no, I have strength because I can do these things. Hey, that builds confidence. Hey guys, welcome back to the family teams podcast. Um, I'm here today with Derek England and Derek is part of an organization called, uh, family ID, uh, out of Oklahoma city, Oklahoma. So Derek, thanks for jumping on the podcast with me. Absolutely. Thanks for having me. I really appreciate it. Yeah. So I'm excited.

So I got really inspired and, um, I wanted to go there deeper. So, yeah, thanks for doing this with me, Derek. Just want to start yet. Um, I'd love for, for maybe you can introduce yourself, um, and then we'll dive into the organization. Absolutely. Um, so thanks, Derek. Obviously, I've got a wife, Gina. She and I have been married for 20 years last November, and we have two incredible kiddos.

Awesome. It was 2012. Um, our kids were little two and three years old. And Gina and I both come from divorced parents. And so as we're raising our kids, we don't know exactly what are all the best practices. What are, what are the pitfalls or landmines to stay away from? And we just knew, Hey, I know some stuff over here.

I mean, this is what family teams does as well. It's, it's so easy to put it. goals, directives, KPIs, quarterly goals, mission, vision, all that stuff in work, but we never translated over family. Um, so Greg did that. He launched it in his Sunday school class. It continued to grow. Um, and then in 2010, he went full time and, um, 501c3 contribution supported organization.

Awesome. And so is, is that, uh, the kind of often the entry point like that you begin to develop a family calling, like try to clarify what that is. And then, and then some values. Yeah, for the most part, that's the way it has been, um, historically for Family ID. And that was kind of, as Greg's been growing it, that is how he structured his ministry, was kind of seminar or workshop based.

It's the family ID assessment. And what we found is, With Craig's experience and my experience that there are what we call four core principles in a family, uh, family, identity, family, purpose, family, direction, and then application, um, identity, purpose, direction and application and where a family is strongest, the weakest.

Strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats. And that has become, Jeremy, the real front door to family ID. Because I'm sure just like family teams, Hey, nobody wakes up at two o'clock in the morning and says, you know what? I need some family core values. That's what I need. So taking people from unaware to aware has been our biggest struggle for 20 years.

You guys roughly fall into this category. Um, and, and, and once you discover that type, what is, what is the strength of that, what, what is the value of learning that about your family? Well, so then not only can you take it, but you can invite your other family members to take it. And it, um, it puts together and combines all your results and gives you a full 360 view of your family type.

And there's a book about it. I've heard pastors say it all the time, right? When you know who you are, then you'll know what to do. And so that's the real goal is when you know you are a resilient family and your easiest or your strength is to be high purpose related, um, or I guess high vision related.

Well, we are the harmonious family, um, which is highest in identity and, um, lowest in direction. And so we are very relational. I mean, one of our family core values is being radically protective of quality time. And so as a result, hey, we're very relationship driven and we want to make sure that there is harmony, um, and unity in and through our family.

But it is, um, recognizing that we are a harmonious family and relationship is easiest and natural for us. And we've got to push ourselves in. Let's take extra work to identify some goals, to live on purpose. How does God want us to live this out and, and impact the world? His kingdom on a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly basis.

That's exactly right. And in that, um, I can't think off the top of my head. I probably should, but. In that, um, we, we give a PDF overview of each family type and in that it has threats, right? Like, um, what could be discernment could distort into judgment or what could be harmony could be, become passive in the way you're saying it, you know?

In that quadrant or, you know, what, what do you sense that I might be dealing with here? Um, well, you could be, um, let's see, let me look at our types here. I would probably say there's driven family, which is, um, high application. So it's easy for you to create next steps and go, go, go. But probably I would think you're a direction based family, which is impactful, resilient, strategic, or trailblazing.

What, what are some of the strengths or weaknesses of that one? Okay. Um. Uh, the strategic family is direction, then purpose, then identity, then application. As strategic family, you excel in planning for the future and navigating the best path forward, showcasing a remarkable gift for aligning your compass with purpose.

Yeah. That's so I just, yeah, I want to get people a flavor for, um, for, for the assessment and what it could look like to actually start to understand what kind of family you have now. One of the things that I find really interesting about this idea that, you know, we have these 16 types, um, is I think it's difficult for, for people often to.

Um, really help, um, us get past those two extremes, those sort of biases that I think most people have, which is like every family is totally unique and we can't relate to anything that might be, you know, that, that might actually give us insight into how we can collectively think about these things as a family.

Yes, that goes for me as a husband and a dad that goes for my wife. is peer pressure is real. But when when we understand who we are and when we can grasp onto something that is identity and say, no, no, no, no, I am a strategic family and I have strength because I can do these things. Hey, that builds confidence.

Now, there's something putting us together a whole lot more than just living in the same house. No, no, no. We're a strategic family. What do we want to be strategic about? Put some, put some things out there. I'll pack them. I'll, I'll tackle them down. I'll, I'll knock through walls to go through it because we're a strategic family and that's what we do.

So I love that. You know, one of, one of the things that we're wrestling through a lot, you know, family teams is, um, you know, we, we see that in the Bible, God designs family to have multi generational connections. So my parents live with us. Um, they worked with us, our kids, you know, we're, we're in businesses together, starting ministries together.

And then of course my kids, they have totally different gifts than me or April. Um, and I can see, uh, so would you guys recommend that like every, uh, specific family branch, um, take the ID and then maybe what's happening is you could end up with. Like a family team with like four or five types. Like, is that how it looks?

And so we were wrestling with that question and praying through it and thinking through it. Um, and then it hit, it hit us in an instant of, Oh, we're looking at it all wrong. Um, We are not called to push our vision down on future generations because when, when vision is pushed down on generations, we think or we believe it results in three things.

When things are pushed down. Yeah Resentment can happen if hey, if you go to this school I can I will financially participate if you'll buy this house or live in this area I can help support you here or if you do this job and so when you talk about branches, that's where I think we flip it on the head because our calling Is think about a family tree is not to push vision down, but our calling is to push every branch up towards its calling and towards the sun, um, S O N right.

Is to push it up based on who we are and our core values. So yes, when you have a new family inside your family tree, these are two unique people who are being joined together. And that dynamic is brand new, never, never before seen family dynamic. And I hope that they are close to the harmonious family when my kids get married, but maybe a step or two off so they can add a unique flavor or personality inside the overall culture of the family tree.

Um, but also like passing on the values, you know, the culture of the family so that there is continuity. And sometimes that continuity is a mission. Like I could be called to a mission and there could be a branch of the family It feels called that, that mission. And then there's other branches that are, I think just God's given them new vision.

And so there, we have to figure out this sweet spot so that we, we're not resetting every generation. We're working together. We can do common assignments together. Um, and, but, but not controlling or creating some kind of, um, yeah, this is heavy expectation using resources to try to, Limit our, our kids ability to, to do what God's actually called them to do that.

You know, um, we, we tell our kids all the time. We joke, there's this, this line in Horton hears a who, where the father says, you can be whatever kind of mayor you want to be, it's like, my divisions is sky high. It's like, you have to be a mayor. Like, and this is a similar situation. This rabbi is telling his son, you must be the next rabbi.

And the son is just not, not built for it. And man, it's like we just sitting there in the tension for two hours, watching this thing play out. Um, yet in, in Jewish families, you have this incredible continuity generationally. And there was, there's this moment in the, in the play where the father comes to the son.

If you represent a leaf, but. Without any leaves, the whole, the whole thing dies. And so I love that of, Hey, can you at least carry on these values? And if you think about our trees and branches building upon branches, Hey, you are going to have. substantial core values that a large log, for lack of better words, sticks out and has hundreds or thousands of branches building off of it.

You know, I mean, you will live here. You will have this many children. It's like just way too, way too specific vision from, from some kind of, uh, the patriarch of the family. And then, and then you have the complete abdication of the next generation where it's like, we're not going to give our kids anything.

Like, like a lot of where the identity comes from is that around the Shabbat table, you're hearing about, you know, You know, 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 generations of the family and stories and what we went through. And then, you know, your great, great, great, great grandfather did this and grandmother did this and all this.

Um, for, for, I, I think it's, it, it's exactly like you're saying. I mean, understanding that you are part of a bigger picture and understanding that you are part of a common picture in one big family. So, uh, I had, I'll take it to chicken. Um, I had a buddy who his whole job was to go open up franchises, local franchises of a chicken fast food restaurant across the country.

And I think that's the connection there is understanding, Hey, when we are part of something that's bigger than us, multi generation, 30, 40, 50 generations, when we're grafted into, um, the, the Israelites, I mean, we're the, we're the ones that are grafted in, they're not grafted in us, you know, we're grafted into this gigantic story that, that laces throughout the entire Bible.

Uh, but you know, when you go to these multigenerational families and you see the amount of impact that these stories have, um, then you can, you can say, Oh, there is a, there is a way to transmit DNA, not just physical, but the culture, down the generations. Um, and I think one of the things we've discovered is you, if you encode those into specific rhythms, um, they, they have a, a much higher degree of likelihood to continue, uh, multi generationally.

The next generation, and then as you have that conversation, these, these cultural values get passed on and get imbibed by that, that generation. So that, that process is, I think, really important, which is a win, right? You talk about, Hey, it's easy to get involved in sports or work. Well, it's also really easy in those areas to look at a scoreboard figuratively and to know if you're winning or losing.

Hey, a Jewish family that has sat down for zero Shabbat dinners in the last 12 months, but say, it's important for us to have those, those meals. On a consistent basis. Hey, there's a really easy scoreboard there now that you've identified it and there's a gap that we need to close. And so whatever those cultural, I believe, whatever those cultural or relational or spiritual goals or wins are, if we can just identify them, then we can hit them with a dart on a target.

Like that, that, that is so important. And in the family, it's just seems like this. Big confusing, you know, realm where nothing, no, no one ever knows if we're winning, no one, you know, we don't know what we're losing. We, you know, it's not, it's not essentially competitive. And so this is, this is, uh, this makes it a little challenging.

And so that becomes, um, the, the parameters, the guidelines, the, the boundaries. of the decision making tool, then you can set long arc three year, five year goals, again, not pushing vision down because, well, it's a win if every generation is a rabbi. Well, not really. Right. I mean, but Hey, it it's a win. If every generation.

I love trying to understand for, for, um, an organization like yours. Who's encountering so many families and you said, you know, your, you and your wife both came from broken homes and, uh, and now are experiencing this like to try to try it. Let's just, I'd love to get your thoughts on just what is, what has happened to the family.

Um, yeah. How, how have you started thinking about the nature of the problem that the family is facing for us? I mean, to sound cliche, Jeremy, it all goes back to identity. Um, and, and that's really our differentiator in the market is, uh, there are some big name organizations, ministries that focus on marriage or parenting or, uh, relationships or whatever it is, but I believe until you've nailed down identity, you, you can't, you don't know where those targets are on marriage or relationship or parenting.

And I think when we lose. When we lose the idea that our family is our first and most important ministry, that's, that's when it completely goes sideways. Because we have to, I believe, we as parents, grandparents, great grandparents, have to consider ours as the first, not only, but the first and most important ministry to work on.

Yeah, we have these, uh, these markers of identity and they do, and the way I would describe what you're saying is the, um, it seems like what occurred. Is that in the West, we began to adopt, adopt a hyper individual identity. And so there's a, there's a natural tension between family identity and the individual identity.

Parents are clueless about the fact that you can't send children into the world without an identity. And when you do, their peers are going to call them something or say something or suggest something, or they're going to sit in class and hear a teacher say something. And then they're going, maybe that's who I am.

Um, grapple with, with this, but you have one after another story of household salvations, which is, you know, you can get into the theology of that, but the reality is when Luke was recording acts and the Holy spirit was moving, it was, it was from house to house. It was family to family. It was, it was all of these households getting saved, um, as, as, as whole households.

I think you're absolutely right. No, we haven't solved it all. I'll leave it at that. No, but I agree and entirely agree. And I think I heard a pastor say it once of, um, hey, his job as a parent and I took it on as my job as a parent. Is within the realm of my values. I want my kids to be successful and I'm willing to not when they're 18 cut them off and go push them out and say, Hey, find your identity, but it's a two way trust relationship.

Let's go make it happen, baby. Come on. That's right. Um, but without trust, you're going to hold those keys real tight and without trust the other way, the, the next generation isn't going to open up and even ask for advice or direction because they don't feel supported. Um, and it's that two way trust that.

Yeah. I think that the thing that I want my kids to really believe. Is that we're that whatever visions God gives them, you're going to go so much farther if we partner together in some way, and then we, I don't know what that's going to look like. It could just be resourcing with this resource of that, like a connection, or there could be like, you know, much deeper, like our kids, we've had, um, some situations every time our kids go overseas and do, um, things in, in totally new networks, like our son was in South Africa.

Um, and so it's, it has been, it has been so much fun in this season to watch my kids, um, you know, go out and fire those arrows in different places of the world and just get to experience the, um, just the expansion of the family because that trust that you're describing has been built over, you know, the, the 20 years that we've been a family living, living together, we have all the advantages in the world, just all the time in the world, just to be as our kids are young to establish that.

You have to really be in relationship with somebody to find that Am I being too controlling too suggestive? You know, too directive. Am I being under, am I under resourcing? Am I being too passive? Um, I ask that question literally every single day. About at least one of my relations with my kids. Like, do I have this calibration right?

Yeah. Journey of transition as, as they talk about going from caretaker to cop, to coach, to consultant. Yes. Um, and we, my kids being 15 and 14, I mean, we. We just made that transition from cop to coach, and I probably reach back to cop every once in a while and, and still cop a little bit. But coaching is great because you can build them up.

And I'm not going to try and solve all of them right now. I might let you know, I see some other indications, but for right now, let's try to solve this one problem or manage this one tension. Yeah, that, that is, that dance is, is so delicate, um, you know, and you don't want to fall off on one side or the other is, is I think where we're both saying, I think that that's the temptation, uh, the temptation to say I'm all out or I'm totally in and controlling.

Well, what can they do? What are the steps? What are some ways for them to, to learn more? Uh, the easiest is family-id.com. Okay. Um, on there is, there's big buttons for, to take the assessment that's completely free. We want it to always be free. Um, our heart is to minister families. Under the resources, there's the video master class to go through the courses, um, and walk that through either as a family or as a small group of families.

So thank you so much for what you and Greg are doing. This is a really been, um, super helpful for me to understand more about, about your ministry and excited to continue to, to, to collaborate and partner in whatever ways we can as we move forward. Thanks for having us today. This is great conversation.