Attention, passengers, you are now orbiting the F-Plus podcast. Terrible things read with enthusiasm. And in the room tonight we have Boots Ring Gear.
The Mantids are here, an alien declares. Mantids, me delighted, really I am. I love Mantids, me.
Poor Tex, it's the latest episode of Love That Hamish.
Zarla.
Hanun meets my eggs, Pi-Pi is my lady parts. Matsu is my tummy, but it is also poo, both noun and verb.
We're welcoming back Ganymede!
When you see yourself with two men who are wearing plastic overalls, then it is only natural that your mind, while trying to make sense out of it, thinks that you too are one of those, and that you too are wearing plastic overalls, and that the three of you are going to be doing something together.
So true.
And Lemon. I mean, do you like when men are fingering your pussy, Trellis says. Dude, calm down there, I said. Yeah, I know that I look like a big butterball, said Trellis.
Oh, Trellis.
Okay.
Weird time for your issues, Trellis. Okay.
Trellis is a piece of work.
I love Trellis.
Trellis is the wet neighbor.
I love him so much.
Hey, F+. Hi, Lemon.
Hi, Lemon.
Hey, have you all been communicating with the other world?
All the time.
Which other world? There's like a lot.
Like the dark net.
Too busy training for the bird race.
Boots, how do you log on to the dark net?
You type the password in backwards.
Oh, that's how it works.
So it's one word pass. Is that what I type in?
Yeah.
I feel like I should probably know this, but I don't know.
Do you type it on a website or just type it like in a text file and we'll just open up the dark one?
Yeah. Wherever.
Yeah.
You know. Yeah. If you do it and somebody recognizes.
Like, you know, they recognize that it happened and we'll get in contact with you.
Yeah. So for any of you looking to access the dark web, you know, to find Hitman or whatever it is, you just open up Tor. You type your password backwards. and if it doesn't work send that password to me and I'll help you out yeah.
It's good advice it's really good advice
But do it in WhatsApp because that's encrypted and shit oh yeah, unrelated to any of that I want to introduce you to somebody, who, so this is somebody that has a Amazon store with a couple of books and her name is Ava Draconis. Um, and Ava Jachronis, like, in addition to having a super real name that is real. It's not a book.
It has to be real.
Yeah, exactly. Can you lie in a book? I don't think anyone's ever tried. Um, uh, so, um, Ava, Ava has led a, I would say, extraordinary life. Um, because, uh, as she mentions here, uh, this website, uh, that we're going to go to, except for actually go to from the way back machine because it's down. But anyway, this website publishes stories and word by word written down telepathic conversations from my everyday life as an egg donor with the aliens.
That would be an easier way to say that, I think.
Egg donor maxing.
I mean, this is a, you know, you're already sending the script rewrites. She's a public author, man.
I just think most conversations happen word by word. I don't know if it's a meaningful distinction.
Featuring, featuring, here's the cast, me, a egg donor, Hamish, the red dragon turtle of the old draconian race.
Oh, hell yeah.
Reptilians, Orions, Zetas, dinosaurs, Alpha Thetan, Dark Lords, Thubian praying mantis dolphin.
Just one?
Yeah, just the one. human-alien hybrids and associated military of Russia in the United States.
What was that?
So MKUltra worked. They can communicate telepathically. Okay. Sure. And the human-reptilian-hybrids Japanese Dragon Dynasty. And, hmm, one more time. And the human-reptilian-hybrids Japanese Dragon Dynasty. Yeah, of course. That was 12 times. The friendly extraterrestrials, the airship people, Pleiadians, Umo, and many others. Umo! Umo? Is it Umo? Umo!
It's not real. It's nothing.
It's super real.
Oh, what are you talking about? Can't put it on the internet if it's a lie.
That's too close to gummo, and I don't want to make another Harmony Corrine reference. I have telepathic conversations and interactions with the aliens every day, and I try to write everything down. Thousands of pages, and that's fucking true. Thousands of pages illustrate this well-documented case of alien contact. So we on board?
Yeah, sounds legit.
Yeah. All right, cool.
It's so weird that you only find out about these kind of earth-shattering revelations on these little personal websites that keep disappearing like this.
Yeah, you think that's a bit on the news.
Yeah.
Well, probably the Russian military would be involved in some way. Or like the Pleiadians, right?
There's a poster on the front page here that says, Keep Calm and Love Dragons. And I find that comforting.
That's true. It's good advice.
I was going to panic.
Yeah, I was. I was also going to panic. But now I know not to.
Carry on. Carry on. Okay, so Portax. I want to go into the Wayback Machine, back to the year of, I believe, 2018.
Pew, sliders, noises, pew.
And we're going to go to this post that has like a banner image where there's, it looks like bondage rope, and then over it is the alien font from Futurama.
Okay, so those are snake scales, but I...
Okay, all right, well, you can see what you want to see, man.
If you want to participate in bondage play with live snakes... You go for it.
I'm probably not going to work out. Don't do that.
I think it would be difficult to tie up a snake.
I was thinking using the snake to tie up people.
Oh, oh, oh. I was thinking about how you would try to practice shibari on a snake.
Oh, no, my non-existent hands. Whatever shall I do?
They have to sort of play along, right?
Pretending.
Oh, yes, my hands are tied to my ankles, of course.
You filled some rubber gloves with water and tied them up and set them next to the sink and then tie up that.
We found ourselves in another maypole scenario. We have to start over.
We're making a much better website.
All right. Yeah, but Portex, will you welcome me to the Orion Project, please?
Oh, sure. So, funny story, in August of 2011 I was contacted by a man from Orion Not the studio, presumably the star. I assumed that I was hallucinating. Meticulously, I wrote down every conversation and encounter so that I could show a case of imaginary alien experience.
Wait, to show somebody else how crazy they were? That's like a surprising amount of self-awareness.
All work and no play and whatnot. Only months later...
Isn't Orion like an entire constellation?
The star. Now, Orion's belt is three stars. I learned that from Men in Black. Only months later, I had to conclude that the contact was real. There's really no...
It took them months.
Dragons real? Just pondered that. For more than two years, I've been running this very deep and extensive documentary, which became known as the Orion Project. I came to shed light on the alien abduction experience, their hybrid programs, and the extraterrestrial organization known as the Agenda.
Oh. Capital A, so that's real legit.
We always talk about the Agenda.
My name is Ava Draconis. Pseudonym, obviously. I am the egg donor in this story. You will meet and get to know many alien and human characters in the stories recorded. Hamish the red dragon turtle who guards my eggs and proudly displays his back hump and is afraid of carved pumpkins.
That's pretty quirky Alright,
Those are fleeting That's not enough,
What else you got?
Alright, well, how about this Malick and the other Incubi Dark Lords who are ominous but ubiquitous
I need something weirder
Sassy Lady Thubin a white genetically modified dolphin from the seas of Alpha Draconis who likes to say Hinch and has yellow baleen in her mouth Yeah,
Now we're talking
This character was definitely introduced after focus groups.
He's got a skateboard and sunglasses.
I must leave now. My planet needs me.
These stories are personal and very intimate on behalf of myself as the alien abductee and the egg donor, but also with regard to the aliens whose private thoughts, feelings, and life happenings are recorded and shared so unashamed and deeply. That's how sentences work. There are stories that are heartwarming, others that are atrocious and cruel, and many that are fun. Alien contact and my friendship with Hamish changed my life forever. Will it change yours?
I want to be your third. So pretty good elevator pitch, right? So how many, like this animated series on Netflix, how many episodes?
50, 60? I mean, literally $14 million. Who gives a shit?
Yeah, nice, nice.
Yeah, we've already got the Hinch t-shirts
Ready to roll. How much money do you want to embezzle?
That's right.
I want to workshop Hamish to make better figures.
Can this some way make money for barstool sports? Because apparently that's how the entire internet has to happen.
Can I make a Funko of Hamish? This is really important.
You can get a U2s of Hamish. How about that?
Those things are so fucking ugly, by the way. They are.
Oh, they are. They are quite hideous. By the way, this is a documentary. It is, by all intents, not fictional. And there's a bunch of stuff on how to read this website. My advice would be don't.
Use your eyes?
That's a good thing to put on most websites. So there's a.
Note here about graphic material. Just a little warning. Anyone who has been acquainted with the aliens knows that they are not bashful when it comes to sex or violence.
The aliens are Jane's addiction.
Or with obscene concepts such as fecal samples. Other disturbing topic that frequently comes up is the Dark Lords and Satanism.
Okay.
And other stuff that is Extremely not funny at all to read So We would like to say That Omragosh With the NASA With the NASA Sorry You
Fucking boomhauer What's.
Happening now With the NASA and the Omragosh Omragosh Says my black reptilian omar gosh is their former hello he said this to you readers okay
One more time all the way through please.
We would like okay so we would like to say omar gosh with the nasa uh says my black reptilian omar gosh is their former hello he said this to you readers
Cool. Thank you. That's actually every line that Boomhauer says. You just don't know.
There was a response that Jack with the NASA gave to Black Reptilian.
Oh my gosh, and don't come back here, says Jack with the NASA team seems to have said to the Black Reptilian. The NASA team tried to regulate alien activities here on Earth, in particular the more sinister ones.
A title card from The Wire.
Yes. And there's stuff to be prepared for, and it's stuff we are undoubtedly not going to read about because it's bad.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wait, what about the first one? The first one doesn't have any of that. It's the second one.
The first one is the Alien Agenda, which is responsible for alien abductions, cattle mutilations, and hybrid programs is run by the Dark Lords, who are the same as the Incubi and Jyn recorded throughout history, featuring menaces such as Baphomet, Jezebel, and others. They gave us Satanism, Aleister Crowley, and Hitler and the Nazi movement. And they also bring us the alien agenda, whose symbol is the yellow pyramid, and whose god is the eye.
I like picturing these in little yellow stars that are just flashing on the screen. Featuring, tonight's show, we have Baphomet, Jezebel.
And our musical guest, Hitler.
Rowley.
Sunday, Sunday, Sunday at the Alien Abduction Arena.
Okay, so there's...
Thing number two is basically Gammaverse, is that the thing? Is that the awful thing? Omegaverse, there it is, yeah.
Do it, yeah. Okay. And bad.
So there's a lot, actually quite a bit of preamble. There's quite a bit of hook baiting, but I think we're already pretty much sold, so I think we're good. So instead, we're going to be going down to... Ganymede, if you will scroll down to Birthday Cake with Hamish please.
Sure Forgive me if I make use of the Control F function instead of Good
Luck Lost forever and Hamish's mind
Birthday Cake with Hamish Yummy Feet, Alistair Crowley and a nice glass of bourbon with the Senator
Yummy what excuse me
What are these are these like three separate titles for the same story
Here is a treat an extract of verbatim conversations from my draconian birthday may 11th 2012 which is the day i finally realized that the draconians and all their stories and my adventures with them are real all thanks to an interesting fellow named alistair crowley being mentioned i feel it's rare to be able to pinpoint your like breaking point mentally
On its exact moment
I think it's the I think it's the moment that you like you read something Alistair Crowley read and you went, oh that makes a lot of sense.
But here is an excerpt around from when I was to post a cute picture of a birthday cake on the Alistair Crowley page to celebrate, sounds like where it goes to celebrate my realization of all being real and Hamish objected to cakes and cat figurines yeah on the picture below malik was going to be the black penguin the dinosaur be the green fellow hamish was going to be the kitty because every time i am reminded that i actually did name the dark red draconian as
strawberry i then smile and say to myself that then by the same token i should name malik and hamish peaches and kitten the orion doctor would have been the dog
Yeah yeah obviously
So they're like pets so like the passage earlier where she was like oh my raptor friend says umbergosh. It was just like, oh, my cat says hello. Guys, my cat's here.
Oh. Okay, yeah.
Which makes it much more relatable.
And note to everyone on the internet, it is always entertaining every single time you do that with your own pets.
I like to
Hear about your pet being in the room, you better tell me right when it happens. Every conversation I've ever had to let me know. Your cat.
Especially if I'm over at your house and you want to have sex with me.
Yeah.
But as I really tried to put that other cake picture up there, Hamish insisted on objecting to it, that it doesn't honor him to portray him by a cake. I tried to be selfish and ignore his feelings and put the cake up, but I ended up realizing that Hamish is a real person. I don't know why I ever thought otherwise. And that he felt offended by it. And Hamish is my friend. So I found the other cute picture of a white fluffy dog instead. So let's just say that dog is me. No further questions.
Yeah, why not? Why wouldn't we?
And that dog was Albert Einstein. And everyone in the PetSmart clapped.
Then a phrase that is just screaming off the page at me. Let it be known that birthday cake does not honor the reptilians.
We knew that.
Listen, now, as a reptilian myself, you can give me all your birthday cake that you don't want, and I will take it.
That's a Sanrio cake. That's Hello Kitty and the frog and the... That's Morrow and the frog. Yeah.
Kirby, yeah.
Kirby, yes, thank you.
Hamish is like, am I a joke to you?
Hamish does not approve.
He then said what was on his mind, because I knew he was about to say what he was thinking. We are the ones in charge, Hamish whispers. Hamish, you will rule my honored me.
So here's the thing Kenny Because I think you came in To the call after us The formatting for dialogue Here is insane
Do you want to explain How the dialogue is formatted
Sure yeah it happens As you would actually naturally expect And I don't know why no one's used this before No quotes No quotation marks You have the text of what the person says and then an em dash and then a description of the person saying it and possibly how they say it.
Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so with that said, Boots, if you'll be Hamish I'll be me.
Okay, yeah.
It's a very vulnerable moment for you.
We are the ones in charge.
Hamish, you will rule, my honored.
Yes but we do not want to be seen on cookies again you should probably read the
Ham is he used the wrong word cookies instead of cake
No, my honored, there is no draconian on the cookie.
But it is cake with me,
Hamish says with the tilt of his head when he is in a friendly mood. This time he did use the correct word for cake.
But I see no draconian here. I only wanted to celebrate that I finally believe that you exist.
His breath exhale is warm at me. I like it. It is a form of communication, him doing so. He is displaying his mood and feelings.
The sound of me breathing warm at you.
Are you all right, my honored?
No, not really. And Malak does not think so either.
Okay. Thank you for telling me, your honored.
He tilts his head again and just watches me, confounded. Such a beautiful beast. and now I saw a clear silvery semi-transparent flash of a creature's leg portions moving about by the desk My leg portions?
Going to like a chicken place or something?
Yeah, like the drumstick or the wing
I don't know
Leggy portions and lives
Bread it and fry it and toss it in sauce, it's really good I do not want to be seen that way In what way,
My honored?
I do not become in a happy mood.
Which? Two dots. Two thirds of an ellipsis. Which have I done that is wrong? My honored.
The sugary sweet that you do.
Hamish, he means the cake. 1238, midnight.
If Jim Morrison were alive, he would have written like this.
That's such a plot twist.
Oh, let's scroll down a little bit. This is a long story. Yeah, this is a fairly long. Okay, so I'm going to scroll down to this part, Boots. Yeah, here you go. Did he know about draconians? Did he know that there were draconians?
No, yes. Maybe.
You don't want to come to harm here?
Hamish, me, or in quotes, we? Ellipsis, question mark.
I will honor your race.
I will forbid a book about you.
What book? Hamish?
The one that concerns us.
Hamish whispers in his lovely gentle voice.
The one that concerns us.
Oh, lovely. Hamish tilts his head again, and now the other way. He tilts it quite a lot. His head is very small.
Like Night at the Roxbury.
Narration getting a little judgy here. Now the other way. Gosh, he's beautiful.
I think you are so beautiful.
But sweet, your first name, why do you write about our race?
Because I honor your race, and I want to tell about you. You are beautiful.
But we are no nice draconians.
I will honor you always.
God, he is beautiful! Wow!
Wow! So hot. Wow!
Watch out.
I will watch out.
I will rule here.
Yes, my honored Hamish, you will rule here. I will be ruled by you.
Watch out for my race.
Et cetera, et cetera.
It just goes on. Wait, wait.
Read a few more lines.
No, no, no.
We need to go for a little bit.
Okay, okay. Watch out for my race. Okay. Yes, my honored Hamish, I will watch out for your race.
Otherwise, your legs can be unscrewed broken.
I will watch out for my legs, my honor.
Hamish nearly got ready to jump into me to do the conquest. I could feel it.
Okay, so at one point, it mentions that Hamish speaks his sentence with belches in his voice. And it links to a YouTube video, and it's still up, and it's a video of pig sounds.
I was hoping it's that video of Maurice Lamar doing the wacko war in her belt oh that'd be really good damn it so I found a short thing or something that can be short a section that's short I
Can't believe you but.
So the most recent thing I posted for dilemma or obligation if you scroll down to that
Alrighty yep yep I'm in.
There it's pretty normal
Dilemma or obligation? My fishes, says Hamish, thinks about the fish fin of a blue fish, and the lower eyelids close as he's amused and smiling. So when Hamish asks me for help last night, I had to think about it. Was I going to let him take my eggs and eat my hybrid children?
See, my Netflix show is picking up. Everyone's going to love this episode, right?
That needs like a thinking emoji after it.
I was really thinking that's a Wonder Years internal monologue.
Is Daniel still doing anything? Can we get him on Cameo?
No, no way. No way.
I always contrast that with how humans are eating cows, pigs, chickens, and eggs. Humans are doing the same thing. Cool. And I would do anything for my dragon turtle.
I've noticed.
I would pull my own liver out to feed him if there was nothing else in the whole wide world to feed this turtle. I would die for him. I love this dragon more deeply than he had ever intended. More deeply than I could have ever understood. And I will spend the rest of my days trying to figure it out. Trying somehow to contain this deep love I have for dragon turtle.
Repetition, baby. People love it, don't worry.
I had placed Hamish's Snuggie Ruggie on the floor beside my bed. I tend to roll it up nowadays. Well, because it is in my bedroom now, and so when I noticed Hamish isn't even using it for a little while, I tend to roll it and tuck it away in the closet.
Aw, Hamish, do you need your Snuggie Ruggie?
Dragon Snuggies.
But last night I took it out and I gently laid it out on the floor right next to the bed. Telling Dragon Turtle that it was here now. next to me. Sure. His ruggy snugs. And sure enough, after Hamish had finished his conversation and showed some power by lifting me, he retreated to stompity stomping, squish, squish, squash, his feet into the soft plush of the rug.
I love this dragon turtle. We are soulmates.
He's so beautiful.
He's just like a cuddly, cuddly, wuddly guy that wants to conquer the earth.
To eat children.
And to eat my eggs.
I don't understand many things. Hold on. I don't understand many things. I don't understand why the military are training me with mind control sometimes. I don't understand why General Davies has to have sex with me when I don't even get to remember.
Okay.
I don't understand why the aliens can't let me stay awake for abductions when I want nothing more than to meet them. Oh, just a little bit of dialogue here.
Yep, yep.
I was here with my eggs, Hamish.
I was with my Hamish.
I was dominant. Hamish says and closes his eyes into the narrowest slit and closes his nostrils. Yes, it is the face. the lemon face, as I like to call it.
Yeah, I got you. I got you.
It's very excited, actually.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It goes on, but my favorite headline out of this page is the headline, Reptiles have sex with me!
Whoa! Whoa, you guys!
I'm going to scoop that for my intro.
I'll just skip to the last line. I forgot to say, Hamish also bought a nice large sheet of his shedded scales and put it on my bed last night. Oh, brat, sorry. I could tell that it was one of Hamish's finest.
Okay, so now we're going to go to Zarla. I've heard about these Never mind I wanted to lead you in But I don't want to use any of these words I want you to be the one All of these delightful words.
Is this a PDF file?
Yep It sure is That
Makes it proof.
Well then I have to Go through my arcane movement stable To get this to actually be visible like bring it out of the depths of archive.org I hope they say PDF files okay
Well you don't actually want the PDF because there's 10 pages of it, This lady likes to write.
So you just wanted to say the name of it.
So you just wanted to... Okay, so this is my short story. It's completely true, and it's called Showered and Taken to the Baby Factory Mansion. The note is DNA is repaired during pizza time.
Is both a factory and a mansion, or is it a mansion that's inside of the factory?
Baby Factory Mansion.
Okay.
Let's see. This is a censored version of my accounts of being taken to a mansion in another dimension inhabited by lizard people whose blood is in our royalty and aristocrats. These lizards need to steal energy from children of crystals. Crystals like me have extra strong energy for them to take. So we are brought into baby factories. Here's what happened with the adult things edited out. You will find the full version in a future book and lots of other stories at orionmyproject.com.
Subscribe to my Patreon for the dirty parts.
Anyway, that breakfast is left. And then I was led through a corridor to a small room. In that room, I was with two adult human men. The men were dressed in transparent plastic overalls and had their own clothes underneath. So for that reason, the way that your mind likes to fill in the gaps when you were dreaming, I dreamt that I too was wearing one of those overalls and that I was one of them. I wasn't fully...
That's the part that you dreamt. Okay.
Yeah.
I wasn't fully awake, so the dream was drifting me away with impressions and the way that when you were dreaming, you'd believe anything. You just take what you see and go with it, and you even forget the real world that you came from. But then I wasn't dressing all of my clothes. I remember being okay with it. Also, I'm an adult. So if I'm asked, and if it's some kind of form of situation that seems to make sense, say if it was the doctor's office, this was not.
Exactly. Since I was in the dream, I was willing to believe that this kind of behavior makes sense, so I took off all my clothes.
Look, we can rewrite this episode if you guys don't like it, but I really think...
All right?
Trust me. The practical effects on this is going to be great.
So, okay, so they essentially, then she gets waterboarded. I don't know why.
It's the S plus, and then she gets waterboarded.
There's a very long description of getting waterboarded. Okay, so next I find myself in a huge lavish mansion, and they ask me if I have seen the Biltmore house. I say I was there once and that I wasn't there when it was Christmas, when they have a Christmas tree in every room. I felt a bit out of place being in this mansion, and at the same time I felt completely comfortable and welcome. I wasn't scared, and I didn't feel stressed in any way.
of waterboarding did not have any effect. There were people around me, residents of this house. And although I could read from the situation and atmosphere that I myself didn't live there, it was clear that these residents had welcomed me and that I was not in the wrong place in any way. These residents were very calm and casual. They were very at home there, but I was starting to wake up. I was becoming completely awake.
I realized myself in this other place, I was fully me. And I started to take notes in my mind because I knew that this was an abduction scenario into another dimension. And I wanted to make sure I would remember everything and write this down for my readers, I guess.
Oh, thank you. that's so nice of you she's doing this for us guys are you writing it down while you're getting waterboarded and stuff and she's
Actually writing down in the notebook glub.
Glub glub that's cool
I guess always writing these things down and posting it for my readers, it gives me a way of pushing this away from myself and letting you all readers deal with it. As if I feel confidence that my readers will be able to figure this out, then I don't have to do it. Then it's not just me. Nope.
All right.
So there's a line of dialogue. You are not our butterflies, but we wanted you to be, says a very tired old white lizard man. I don't want to be. Go somewhere else. Me. I don't know who's talking there. I was brought to the man who was like a patriarch of this residence. He was having people killed on a whim.
That's an effective establishing shot. I feel like I know a lot about this character right now.
Totally, you know.
It's like some law and order shit. Yeah, I've seen him. Execute that man.
I don't like that guy. I don't like his hat.
Stacking boxes.
Standing my way. Someone was pulling a cart away as he had requested them to, but the cart was making too much noise, so he was going to have that man killed. I was feeling somewhat anxious that maybe I too would be doing something a bit wrong and get killed for that reason, but I didn't let that stop me from interacting in the house and with the people.
Why not?
You know, why let that stop you? Let's see.
She gets waterboarded again.
Seems to happen a lot.
That's mostly what happens in other dimensions.
You just do it for fun.
She seems like she goes through a lot of mansions. I think this is
Just fond reminiscence about being waterboarded, actually.
She goes into a kitchen. She goes into a kitchen, and a lady gives her some lemon bread. She describes this in a lot of detail.
She does, does she?
She does. She really likes the lemon coffee cake, has swirls, savory bread with lemon, da-da-da-da-da. I was dressed in a cute dress that is totally not my style. Someone had dressed me into it, presumably after the shower. It was a short dress. Yes, it hides your bottoms, the tired lizard man says. I don't know if somebody else wants to be me, if you know where I am right now.
No, I don't want to be. No one wants to be you.
No, it's too late. Somebody has to be me. You're in here with me now.
I got it. Why do you say that? Did I actually go there? And who are you?
Have you heard of the Elizabethans? We are with them. Don't be angry.
What?
The Elisabethans. Elisabethans. We are with them. Don't be angry. Says very tiredly.
Oh, see, the Elizabethans. They're...
Elizabethans? The Lizabethans.
The lizards that are just very simply computer-generated text.
How do you feel about the Elizabethans? Who are the Elizabethans? Do you mean royalty? But you're a lizard and you're very tired, too. Why are you so tired? Are you okay? I think you don't feel good. I'm worried about you.
They keep us here in chains.
I hope you catch a break. I worry about you.
Sucks for you. The man is crying now, sobbing.
I'm sorry, babe. And then I took a selfie for my Instagram and left.
They keep us here in chains. Oh, thoughts and prayers.
She goes into a long description of this dress she's wearing. And then the tired man says, It was made to get you pregnant in.
The dress?
Yeah, it says, short dress, a lot of ruffles.
All right, all right.
It was made to get you pregnant in, the tired man says.
Why? Why do you do this?
We are with the hillocks, he says. They mean prostitute men.
What is a hillocks?
He just sobs some more.
Oh, man. Okay.
He's making a real production of it.
Jesus. Are you okay? Who are you?
Some stranger just comes up and he's like, that dress is for you to get pregnant in.
Could I love him more?
Why are you crying?
They tell me they will beat me if I don't come here, he says, and is sad.
I wish I could save you. Who are the Eliza Beethans?
Catnip. Hamish shows up as a bright fire engine red figure.
His catchphrase. I love it.
Yeah. The cutest sock puppet head and bright yellow eyes like light bulbs and says in a fashion that makes me delighted, he sure is a cutie.
Hello, Hamish, my Hamish turtle sock feet.
Is somebody else going to be Hamish?
Oh yeah, I'll reprise my role of Hamish.
Okay.
Yes, no, me.
Why not you? Why not Hamish? Hamish.
And Tamish looks confused. Then she talks about the shoes she's wearing. Yeah! Goes into that. Walked out of the mansion. Goes around to that. Walks around the backyard. Thinks about that and the lemon cake.
Can we scroll down? So if you'll take a Gainamide, you're going to be the lizard, please. And if you'll scroll down to It Was Not For Courtship.
It Was Not For Courtship.
Says the very tired lizard Who is wearing a black suit His body is all slumped Why
Are you so tired? Are you weak?
Weak fools No, but my DNA is falling apart What?
That happens I wouldn't characterize myself as weak More so under the weather It got wet,
You know And that just ruins the structural entirety of
It You've got like a paper grocery bag and his DNA written on it.
Why? Why does it fall apart on you? And what is the remedy?
The pizza time.
Pizza power! Flying sausage three to light!
He lights up and his eyes look crazy and bewildered.
Pizza time!
Sauce lust.
Pizza time!
Exactly.
Pizza time! You mean food keeps you alive?
That is not what I said.
What if?
Oh, my God.
Wow, maybe this character is me.
What if, man? Hamish shows up again.
Oh, of course. I think.
Yeah, you were not our flower, he said, Buttercups.
Hamish lights a bright fire engine red.
I love you, Hamish. You are my Hamish, my red dragon turtle.
Love that, Hamish.
I love this dragon sock. That's not me. That's actually...
I don't understand why you're saying sock.
There's no period. So it says, I love this dragon sock. I am sure that even a royal person would appreciate being treated as a person, not as a thing. I don't know.
Yeah, no. Hamish is definitely a sock puppet in real life.
They have to be talked to a sock puppet.
I love that she'll get into dialogue with other people and then Hamish will show up, do a line, just so she can go, oh, Hamish, I love you so much.
Hamish, the poochie of interdimensional dragons.
I like that
He showed up.
As a fire engine and then lit up bright fire engine red. It feels appropriate.
They can change different forms. It's a very popular trope, these cartoons. Let's see. okay so i'm skipping i'm skipping like a whole lot of nothing as far as i can tell
Yeah yeah there's there's definitely some like uh like pg-13 like sex scenes where it's like subscribe for the you know subscribe to subscribe to my channel for the good shit um uh.
And so, but I will go. And then they showed me a quick mental visual of none other than actor Tom Cruise. I wrote down the conversation around that, which was, do you know about... Oh, sorry, go ahead.
Portex, you are they. You are the character known as they. I am they.
Oh, God, I can't even find where we are, so...
Tom Cruise. You want to search for Tom Cruise?
I do want to search for Tom Cruise and see if he'll take my spot on this podcast.
All right. Well, you can also look for all caps Allotropa fan.
I suppose I could.
Allotropophan sounds vaguely realistic.
Here we go.
Can you read the paragraph that has allotropophan in this? Okay.
Then they asked me if I remembered the drink I had been given. I vaguely remembered having been given a drink maybe after the shower. They said it was allotropophan. Let me write that again. Allotropophan.
Allotropophan.
Allotropophan. Allotropophan. I wrote that down, too. a quick internet search now does not reveal anything for that name, but remember that other time when I was being given a cup of pills and when I returned from that, they said that one of them had been Rohypnol and I had never heard of that before Allotropophan sounds vaguely realistic as a chemical Okay,
But if you searched for Rohypnol you'd find something
Maybe we humans don't have it but only they do. They have lots of chemicals over there Are we in fucking
Troper tails all of a sudden?
Lots of dumb chemicals over there
I don't know, maybe the aliens trademarked a different name that we use.
We should have a TM after it. Oh, right. Tom Cruise.
Right, Tom Cruise. Do you know about that one?
No.
Why we use him so much?
You mean Tom Cruise. Why do you use him so much?
Because he has got dragon's blood.
And that's verbatim. And then I went into a long Hamish dragon turtle adoration, where I hope that I had some... Meanwhile, everybody looked at their watch, I assume.
We haven't been to Hamish in like 30 seconds, so you gotta get on.
I spent three hours in a sock puppet love fugue.
Oh, so Illuminati confirmed, huh? Anyway, I love Hamish.
Okay, so Hamish Dragon Turtle Adoration, where I hope that I had some of Hamish's dragon blood in me and that I wish I was just like my Hamish. I love Hamish. I stayed in bed for a while calling for Hamish to come to me. I said that if Hamish comes to me, then I would feel safe. Last night, Hamish was scared because while he was on the bathroom ruggy in the bathroom, one of the dark lords was pestering him.
So I had told Hamish to come into my room, and I made space for him next to me on the bed so that he could be beside the wall. I told him that he could climb over me and stay in my bed next to me, and I would guard him. I would have done that too, but he didn't take me up on my offer. Wow, shut down. Hamish was not into it but I love my sock turtle so much do you?
so there are plenty more conversations so the gist of this is that somehow there is another version of me in another dimension where energy vampiric lizards live these lizards from what I understand have their own blood and DNA most things
Do have their own blood and DNA
Mostly who are our royalty and aristocrats in the other dimension These lizard versions of these humans live in these mansions and royal castles and are very wealthy indeed.
They sun themselves on the best rocks.
Lizards are very old and they try to stay alive and immortal. And they also experience a sexual lust when they ingest life force from children and crystals. Crystal is a human that literally has small crystals in their body that enable them to carry a bright white light. Dark Lord taught me that yesterday. As he said that he was, quote, breaking my crystals.
Oh, Dark Lord.
Then it goes into what makes up sodium chloride.
Can you do the next paragraph, pretty, please?
Crystals are abducted?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Anyway, anyhow, crystals are abducted, and then they put us into a baby factory. Someone watched me to prepare me for the sex, and I was also told in the morning, or actually I woke up past noon, that the Prince Charles that we have in this dimension of ours, he does not know about these things that happen in the other dimension, so we should not tell him.
Now, look, he's going to be weird without
A few people. Because if we told him he would do something about it.
It would just ruin his whole day.
Right.
Right.
That's...
Listen, don't tell Prince Charles about the baby factories. It'll be a whole thing for him.
It's just going to make him mad. Also, when I woke up, one of the CIA men came to talk to me. I told him I would like to come back to see him there in the other dimension so that we could talk this through and he could tell me what I need to do, and I would trust his judgment. One of the things he said is that he likes to go golfing. That is how he deals with the stresses of this.
I told him that I like to dance, to do the same. It takes all the stresses away, and I get to forget about everything else. He's a nice blonde U.S. man with a black suit. He has to oversee these alien things.
Oh, you know, it didn't occur to me that this lady is British until now. Uh-oh.
Do we need to bust out our ass?
I guess. I mean...
No, but I feel like she's giving us signals now that she's British.
Yeah, she is kind of hinting at it.
She lists soccer in a bunch of these bad shows. I've been looking through this whole website, by the way. She mentioned soccer and doesn't call it football, so I don't know.
Or the footy. Yeah, or the footy.
I love my dragon footy.
From what he said, if we, humanity, don't give these lizards their babies and sacrifices and things, then the lizards would go after the general public, and that would be far worse. At least this way, the problem is contained. Also, the lizards play serious threats if they are not allowed to do these things and helped. You know, these things like murder, killing people, you know, those dumb things. And then a lot of it was cut, so.
There is a story that I'm going to skip past, really only because of length, but it is surprisingly filthy.
Oh, no.
It's a surprisingly filthy story called Agent Trellis and the Bologna Sandwich.
That kind of sounds like a porn story.
Oh, Agent Trellis and the Bologna Sandwich.
One of the very early things in that is Trellis says, man, you've got a great looking pussy.
Reminds me of a bologna sandwich.
Mostly thinks to himself about my stuff. You know, all that stuff I got, you know.
Whatever. Just in that region.
You know.
My et cetera.
Gather around children for Agent Trellis and a bologna sandwich.
Okay, so... Yeah, go for it.
Now, mind you, I'm flying blind on here. This might not be anything, so we can just cut this.
Fair enough. Yeah, go for it.
So me and Trellis were talking earlier, and I told him if he likes foods like bologna, he needs to check his cholesterol. And I suggest that he watch a video of heart bypass surgery and stop eating animal proteins and animal fats. I also asked him if he is eating any fruits. I get really worried when people put that white lard that clogs inside of their blood vessels.
It makes me really scared for them. One of the things Trellis said then was something I forget, which was something about women like you. And I said, you do not know what women like me are. And he probably thought I was like some woman with long blonde hair. And he thought about back in high school and things. And I told him that I would have been a girl in school who likes physics and doesn't like too many people. He doesn't know me at all.
So I guess not like other girls, I guess is the moral error.
Of course, you're the most special.
Ganymede this story that I've just found is titled The Non-Bat from a Cave Covered in Dung and Wants to Drink My Blood.
Chuck Tingle needs to get out the way
Yeah exactly so, Oledian you're going to be playing the role of me and then Zarla you're going to play the role of It please okay great it's a conversation who's bat you're gonna be bat okay good, Okay, uh, uh, this is an excerpt from my notes of telepathic contact with alien beings in the U.S. military who try to keep them at bay. The notes continue before and after this excerpt. Fine, lots more, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Um, yeah, so, uh, 12.09 noon. So, hmm, okay.
Don't shoot my dragons!
I yell at a military man who made contact with me remotely, or perhaps more likely than an alien let me see him, And the man was there shooting, was standing there in the military quarters, and he lifted his shirt or jacket to show me that he had a gun sitting tucked in with the nozzle on his waist, the gun nozzle, of the pants. I sensed from the context that it was to protect him, me, from aliens. just prior to the man sending me the mental image of a large bees head telling
me that aliens look like bees. And I said that I guess they do.
I guess so.
That's so true. Aliens be looking like bees, am I right?
The Athuban ones sort of do look like bees. If he shoots at my dragons, I will go after him. My Hamish! And I nearly wanted to break down. and fall down on my knees and place my hands over my eyes and just sobbed and cried so deeply.
We made an entire paragraph without mentioning Hamish.
Do you know how much restraint that took?
One line of dialogue. A single line of dialogue. The Japanese, when Hamish... Okay, sorry, sorry. When the thought of someone hurting the dragon would kill me, the Japanese, when Hamish first showed up, I thought I skipped a line. Okay. The Japanese, when Hamish first showed up there at the Komisaki coastal hangars, they had shot my dragon. Oh, Hamish, my Hamish.
Oh, Captain, my Captain.
Look at me. This is all coming after this one line of dialogue. Look at me. I look like a bat, and I can't even fly. Oh, wait. No, I'm sorry. That was a bat. I'm so sorry. That was your line, Boots. I apologize.
Oh.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
You're just giving him a line read.
It's direction because this is
The table I look like a bat.
Look at me I look like a bat And
I can even fly
A batwing reptoid Makes his presence nose It even gave me a mental image of a deep cavern That has a straight down vertical drop In the jungle somewhere and bats living down there In the cave It showed me its wings I can't tell in the dark image of him Whether it's his body or a black or a shade of grey.
Hello who are you?
I'm visiting, he says,
And spreads his winged arms in what the pterodactyl had called ceremonial magic. Gargoyle of Northpoint does that, too.
Gargoyle of Northpoint does everything.
That is classic Gargoyle of Northpoint. You are beautiful to see.
It is.
You are beautiful to see. Welcome.
Me, at the end of the bat, Reptoid thinks about sucking blood. It had the thought of blood in its mouth. My God, are these real-life vampires? Just think that such creatures would exist in this God's grace universe.
I guess it is the bat.
I guess it is the bat, yeah. Real life batwing creatures that are human size and actually like to drink blood.
We also like to see your feces.
Did you mean faces? No.
Nope.
Why is that? Why? How does it benefit you?
We are studying and making marks
What is your name what should i call you i have no further questions about the feces thing
Nope the heart eater
It speaks and its eyes glow red oh.
It's eyes glow with red
It's a with red yeah are.
You a gargoyle
I want to ask and i guess i already said it But I don't expect it to know whom I dubbed as Gargoyle.
We are not friendly creatures.
But can you and I be friends?
I doubt it. Unlikely.
Why are you mean to me?
Because we collect you for evidence.
You're a handsome sight. Your body's beautiful.
Okay.
Okay.
You remind me of my friend Hamish.
I think you have to work on your taste in men.
A little desperate here.
Wait, was she attracted to a man at some point? I missed that. I think it's only been lizards and dragons.
Can we be friends? No, and then she just unbuttons her shirt.
We must be more. I'm sorry.
We are here with our group
Uh he kind of smiled when he said the second sentence.
Well it is nice to meet you dear bat dragon
I would like to,
You know. No, there's a second one.
Oh, shit. Oh, that is you again. Sorry. Sorry. You have to read so far ahead to figure out whose dialogue it is.
Right?
For some reason. I would like to know you. It is a privilege to speak with you. What kind of species are you? Where do you come from?
I am not a bat.
Then what are you, a draconian?
Yes, indeed. Miss.
Approximately I didn't quite hear or maybe I did can.
I ask do you live in another dimension than I what
Are you a fool.
I like to suck women's blood
You don't in italics yeah, hmm how to respond to that.
It is what we have on our dinner plate. Dinner table!
I see. That is okay. It has lots of nutrition, and it is easy to assimilate.
How do you know...
Stick up for yourself, Eva!
Come on, Eva.
How do you know so much about us?
I want to object, but you're making such a good case for eating me. I have been curious and learned a lot. I appreciate knowing you. Just don't kill me or anything. You see, the grand thing is that a human can offer to donate blood without it having to be killed.
Yes, we also eat goats.
He reminded me about a certain other gargoyle now, doesn't he? But this is not the gargoyle himself. This is a different individual.
The guy in the back knows what I'm saying.
It's not the gargoyle, it's just a gargoyle.
You've read all of my insane stories at this point. Of course.
Every last one, cover to cover.
Please do not let them call us a bat.
The thing is, that's attributed to bat.
Don't let them know how I live.
Says what I am calling a bat.
No, no, they can't call you a bat. You? I mean, you've earned the right.
Then what should you be called? please don't make me have to call you the heart eater
How about not bats
And that is also attributed to bat.
It's just bat with a with groucho glasses I guess that's a spoiler
That she doesn't agree
I suppose I would like to call you a gargoyle because you look like one it is a distinguished name enough are you here to feed on me
No We have trapped mice.
Have you? How did you trap them? Listen here.
One more line.
They're living in the cave with me, and we drink their juice. It's underlined for some reason.
Mouse juice.
Mouse juice.
Oh, it has a copyright note.
It says copyright author of the Orion Project.
This does go on for quite a while Yeah,
It really It really does.
And she keeps calling the bat all the way through Yeah,
But Hamish shows up So everything is really nice I'm sorry,
Just for a second It goes into a strong ceremonial magic It's belly filled with a tingle Where do you live? Says me Hi, this is General Patton Says General Patton
This General Patton.
Shows up a lot And he's I don't know what he is
Is this sort of turning into a little bit of like a Scooby-Doo crossover.
Yeah. The Harlem Globetrotter.
And then their response is just, what is it, General? How you doing?
There's a line of dialogue here from Bat that doesn't appear to be connected to a larger conversation where it says, about our dung, our feces. Don't worry about it.
All right. As long As long as I got Hamish to think of, I won't. I love him so much.
I'm so curious, yes?
Portax just posted a link here for more, like... asteroid alien tour with... I swear to God, it's the Futurama alien font. It really looks like the Futurama alien font. But anyway, down at the bottom, there's a short post that Ava wrote called I Was Guarding the Eggs Too.
I see, I see. All right. So I Was Guarding the Eggs Too. It's September 3rd, 2019, 1117 AM. I was in the kitchen last night working on the computer by the kitchen table, and I had the door to the kitchen closed. Hamish was sitting comfortably on the living room sofa and may have even been watching television, which a family member, who is totally unaware of my Hamish, was watching. Unless Hamish was just content with the sofa in itself.
Anyone be unaware of your Hamish?
They live with somebody?
That's like the most shocking thing to me. Wow. It was a corpse, don't worry.
But anyway, I could sense that Hamish felt a bit anxious as he wanted to come to the kitchen to guard the eggs. I told Hamish to stay on the sofa and that I would help him. I would guard the eggs. So Hamish stayed sitting comfortably on the sofa. Only a little moment later, a bright, light green reptilian showed up in the kitchen. I assumed that it was here about the eggs, thinking that Hamish was not guarding. So I did Hamish's job.
I informed the reptilian I may have first told it that it was cute, as who could resist? Man, she is down for every alien that she sees. And I told him that I was with Hamish. I even referred to Hamish as a langoustine. Is that how you say it? Langoustine? Is that a real word? I don't know. Hamish was smiling with his eyes, and he stayed on the sofa. He did not rush into the kitchen to chase the reptilian out. The green reptilian did not respond and left.
Um, I don't care about the eggs, but I want to keep Hamish. And if Hamish wants to enjoy sitting on a snug sofa, then I can help him. I can chase off invading reptilians too, and I did. so this guy shows up says you watching those eggs and she's like you're pretty cute and then there's just awkward silence and then he leaves I assume
Yeah I bet that is fairly reflective
Of that person's life yes.
It took a while for Dinosaur Comics to find its footing but
The format really
Starts to hit at a certain point
Uh hey Portax I got a piece here I'd love you to read called Nothing at All.
Just Oatmeal So it's going to be normal This is the Slice of Life episode This is where we take it back from all the adventure We have a little
Fun We had to do a hard sell but now we want to ground the characters and really make you care.
So there is nothing like having a dinosaur come up to you and talk without work Well,
Okay. Maybe next time, everybody.
There is nothing like having a dinosaur come up to you and talk without words and only using his series of two frog chirps to speak, and somehow I understand everything he is saying because we are so well-connected and because he uses mental images to speak to me with. There is nothing like having a dinosaur come up to you and let you know that he wants to see my breakfast when it comes out as poo. Sorry!
Whatever I thought that was going.
This website is also very full of like deciding the dinosaurs are frogs it is very weird but anyway nothing like it at all Oh, the comedy. Oh, the comedy. Here is a grand dinosaur. He studies bacteria and poo. It's not like they talk about physics and the secrets of the universe. I feel like
You can't study one without studying the other.
I didn't think Vashorps would talk about physics to begin with.
It didn't seem like it would be very relevant. Well, maybe that meteor wouldn't have hit him if they were a little more interested in it. It's not like they talk about physics and the secrets of the universe. They just want to see what my oatmeal is going to look like. Uh, yay. He's right behind me, isn't he? What was that dinosaur? Sorry.
There are many bacteria there.
Dinosaur says N-words this time. Yes, there are, says me.
Says me.
Says I. In your mouth, too.
Says Hamish a bit seriously. Yes, yes, me says.
Yes, yes, me says.
It says me says on the website.
I wanted to see your mouth.
Dinosaur ass. Yes, see it. I am here for that. Do you want to see it now? Says me.
Yes, otherwise there will be beatings.
He threatens to beat dinosaur with a white bat otherwise.
A white bat.
Whoa, hey, dial it down.
I'm a lover and a fighter.
We wanted to see In your nose Says Dinosaur Yes,
Do that, says me Dinosaur seems unfazed I
Wanted to see you with Malak.
Says Hamish For some reason Yes, do that, says me And
We will blame you
Says Malak In a voice that is not Sugar and spice oh why why am i being blamed my king says me cool dinosaur shows a mental image tubular cool dinosaur shows me a mental image in a live action like a video where they are using a small white see-through plastic tubing which is vacuuming in saliva and i even hear the sound that it makes it sounds like when you're at the dentist. Oh, how cool! I want to do that! May I please experience that? I want to see that too. This is so much fun, says me.
Yes.
Says Hamish.
And you will guard my eggs. You have said.
Hamish to me. Yes, I will watch over your Hunun. This is me.
Then what? Then what?
Hamish was cute this morning. Well, first he was kind of grumpy and unavailable.
Of course, it always goes back to him.
Dear diary.
The dinosaurs just stand in the kitchen like, wait, come on, man.
Get a room you two.
Oh, my God. All right, all right, all right. I'm going to move away from this one.
All right.
Because there's another one that I'm excited to hear. And, oh, I just realized that we really could make this a nine-hour episode. But we won't. We won't.
But we could.
Boots.
We could.
But we really easily could. Boots, this story is called No Santa Pajama.
No Santa Pajama.
No Santa Pajama.
January 12, 2013. Help. I'm dying here. Help. save me. My dragon is acting the cutest I've ever seen. I'm about to burst. This is just too much for any human to handle. Help!
Oh my god! I'm gonna die of the uwu!
Meet Genevieve. She is one of my sims in the video game. The Sims 1.
Oh wow.
All the sims characters start out with a default green pajama when they go to sleep. I just got Genevieve this brand new red pajama from the store. And it And this is the first night she has used it.
Hey, Eve. Question for you. Are you a shut-in?
What do you mean? You mean shut-in with Hamish?
They're playing Sims 1 in 2013.
I wish I was shut-in with Hamish.
That stuck out to me, too.
Like, Sims 1 came out in, like, 2000?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just kidding. It's 2013. I'm playing The Sims 1. What's your problem?
It is embarrassing that the weirdest part of the story...
It's 2015 and your sims have just now busted out of the default clothing.
Yeah, right?
It took a long time to look.
Help, I'm about to die here. I can't handle this cuteness overload.
Oh my god.
And I'm really struggling to hold a straight face so they don't giggle or laugh or ruin it. I'm trying to be serious so that Hamish will continue with his funny behavior so that I don't disrupt it. This is the funniest thing that has ever happened to me. Me too. Red pajamas.
I hope that's not true.
Is she typing this over Hamish's back? What?
Anyway, as soon as Jennifer changed into pajamas, as soon as, Hamish outbursts by saying, Why? And I'm damn sure, I'm darn sure, he even said, Why, Santa? Because when he saw her wearing red pajama, Hamish says right now, Somebody be Hamish.
I don't want Sims to have any power.
Hamish says calmly, as if it makes perfect sense. After Hamish said, why, Santa? And I'm trying really hard to keep a straight face, not burst into laughter. Hamish then says, and I nearly die from all the fun I'm trying to keep inside.
Has it eaten birthday cake? Because it may not.
Hamish says about poor old Genevieve, who has not eaten birthday cake. Hamish has a thing about birthday cake and sweets. He restricts sweets as a form of control of the hybrids. Also that I am not allowed any sugar because it disrupts my DNA and Hunan eggs.
Not the DNA.
So Hamish, in his tantrum about seeing Genevieve wearing a red pajama, Hamish just works out that Genevieve's two sorry, that Genevieve two mustn't mustn't Mustn't have any sugar to eat in his cute, adorable, lovable, confused, outraged state that I've seen precious examples of a few times. I.e., sometimes when Hamish is upset, he will say something that is just fragments of thoughts that he picked out and the sentences don't make perfect sense. Cause poor dragon is just so upset.
Do you ever let him post on your behalf? Just curious.
No, why?
He's a copywriter.
He needs a typist for that.
More Hamish after the birthday cake comment.
Yay! I have not been here at the bathroom. No.
Hamish. He has been camping out in the bathroom like he always does at night on a snug, on a snug Ruggie.
No Santa Pajama!
Hamish says with such rage that Hamish is shaking.
I will take... I will take Stray the Hole on it!
Hamish about Genevieve. Oh man, Hamish is really furious about Santa because Santa wears red clothes. And Hamish was hissing and angry at the wooden-covered garden gnomes in the Sims 1 game because they have these red pointy hats. And then when I wore my red negligee once, Hamish just stared and stared in a way that was so peculiar and I guess a bit uncomfortable that I never really wore the negligee again. This was before I realized that Hamish actually dislikes red.
Even though he's bright red?
Wait, wait, wait. At least hit the last part of that parenthetical.
Oh, okay. at that time, I thought that maybe he likes to see red because he has never forbidden me for wearing red or even mentioned red. But on the other hand, he forbids me for wearing any turquoise because turquoise is the color worn by the resistance force.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Oh my God, Hamish and his reactions. This was superb. Superb, I tell you.
Exquisites.
Classic Hamish.
I have been
Playing that game all wrapped up in my own thoughts as Genevieve does her household chores and worries about promotions and about adopting a pet. And on top of it, all she has, on top of it all, she has got a cold and I'm worried if she could die or what. And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, why Santa, Hamish says with complete seriousness. Oh man, you should have seen his reaction now. You should have either.
Oh, I haven't stomped out.
Hamish, about stomping his feet on the bathroom rug. This dragon is priceless. Wait. Oh, okay. I get it. I'm sorry. This dragon is priceless. Priceless, I tell you. Oh, man, I'm about to burst. This dragon is too precious. And as I burst into laughter and giggles and can't help it, laughing more than I have in a very long time, Hamish says, my
Mouth goes over your race yeah I said that
When Hamish says my mouth goes over your race it is a subtle verbal threat that basically he would and could eat my race and I am supposed to feel fear and intimidated I was so worried that he would be upset that I'm laughing because I've been trying so hard not to laugh at this exquisite fun how
Dare you I take
This is that he isn't upset at my laughing or knowing Hamish. He would have reacted otherwise. My mouth goes over your race, rather indicates that he is being just his normal Hamish self. I might wear my red negligee for him soon just to see what he does, though I'm afraid to do because of the way he stared last time.
Man, you really keep the spark alive in this relationship.
I may or may not wear negligee of a color you approve of. Just keeping it alive in the bedroom.
Hamish is so controlling.
Hamish has been cranky today, by the way. So cranky. Not like the hissy fit cranky, but just cranky all day. Sigh. I just hope he's his usual innocent childlike self. He. I just hope he's his usual innocent childlike self tomorrow. Cranky Hamish. But this was fun. Yikes. I'm genuinely afraid to open up the Sims one game again. Because Jennifer is still wearing that red pajama. It's now a singular pajama.
And it's no longer spelled with a Y.
So she's got this dragon... Sorry, go ahead.
I'd better put her in the bath right away and maybe think about buying her another pajama.
Second pajama.
But it's like she's got this dragon puppet on her other hand while she's playing, and it's just like the dragon puppet just pulls the mouse away from her other hand.
It's like a giant oven mitt. Yeah.
Her social worker shows up to an apartment. She's like, oh, you're going to have to take off that jacket. Hamish doesn't like it. Oh, God.
I would run. Oh, my God.
There's another story in here that just starts with, so I'm playing the video game The Sims 1 on the computer,
And...
Wait, most of these stories are about The Sims 1.
Some of you are kind of talking about Hamish in a way that's... suggests you may not think he actually exists?
Uh, you're right.
I'm sorry.
We're just not... I'm real.
And whether you meant to or not, allow me to present evidence. Does Hamish exist?
Oh, yes, yes.
This is what I need.
Yes, yes, yes.
This is what I need.
Lots of internet sites write about fantastic claims of mythical creatures, and many readers are convinced because the author writes persuasively, like me, or that the readers want to believe. This is not one of those websites. I share my personal experiences with Hamish the Great. I also want to present that to you in a scientific, evidence-based format, best I can.
Yay! Go on.
Yeah, I love science.
Consistency in accounts. One indication that Hamish might be real is... is that so many people around the world are reporting these same draconian reptilians and in the same way.
Nope!
That is unfortunately true.
Everyone else who is... You know all those other websites that do dialogue with the quote first and then the attribution afterwards?
See, this is why I stopped playing Sims 1. Every time I put one of my Sims in red, this guy just comes up. God, give me lip. I can't deal with it.
Many are talking about these scaly lizard men of various colors who are in charge of teams of aliens which include the Zetas and who come from the Draco star system we're starting with the most compelling evidence first
Many people are talking about it many people.
They worship the yellow pyramid with the creepy eye on top of it capitalized Bill Cypher YPCE Bill Cypher This one seems a little thin Let's skip down to the next point Which is that Hamish can lift and push me The best evidence I have of Hamish being real
Oh he does carry bro Is
That he can physically maneuver my body Almost without exception He will only maneuver my body while I am in bed When I am lying down in bed Hamish can lift my body up and he likes to position me on all fours, i.e. on hands and knees in bed. Or he can also lift me up sitting.
Can I ask you a question? Where is your face in relation to your face?
This is important.
Your question will determine the varsity of your story.
I guess my face would be down and my ass is kind of oriented in the opposite direction. Okay. or he can also lift me up sitting with a straight back hamish can also flip me from one side to the other i.e. from left to right or right to left hamish is able to highlight my model and use the transform function at any time of day flip
Me around like a photoshop
He can also pull me close to the edge of the bed Or push me closer against the wall and such I think you might just be a restless sleeper, honey I think you're just thrashing around
Just like having a dog That's true
He can pull my arm Or both arms up above my head Or lift my legs up or spread my legs apart He calls this behavior Quote-unquote hitting I call it cuddles With a Z With
A Z I would like to give you a sign of a healthy relationship. Is that what one person calls hitting, the other person calls cuddles?
I know they mess up all the time. I've gotten from Hamish.
I'm going to argue that we suspect that it's cuddles with a Z, but...
That's true.
Oh, I thought there would be more subheadings. Those are the only two broad points of evidence. And then the third one just says,
Well, that's all the evidence you need.
That's all you need.
Are you not amazed?
Yeah, if you'll actually go down to the reason I take hitting as a form of evidence, please. Oh, sure.
The reason why I take the hitting, so-called, as a form of evidence is because it occurs at speeds and strengths that far surpass what I should be capable of. Sure, we have humans
Who are suddenly... You're flapping your arms like a hummingbird, arms and legs.
You take both the hitting and the quitting?
We have humans who are suddenly able to lift a car to save a baby or do other feats of superhuman strength when called for. But these physical...
Like move you on the bed?
She doesn't mention this, but she's a car, actually.
Sometimes I'm facing left, and then I'm facing right.
That's why he was just maneuvering her body, because she's a car.
But what emergency warranted it?
Herbie the love bug.
She's a Volkswagen thing.
But these physical manipulations would seem strange, even if they were somehow made by me.
Somehow. Somehow. They would be strange. I can't move my arms. There's only one explanation. Interdimensional dragon.
Move around in bed.
I get flipped around and pulled and twisted in ways where I would need support against various parts of my body in order to be able to lift myself up that way, for instance. And I moved in ways where I would most certainly support myself with a hand or a knee to make the movement far easier for myself if it were me doing it. It's like seeing a human pull themselves straight up rather than push themselves up with the helping support of a knee. It just doesn't look right Gymnasts,
Take note Why don't you record a video, huh?
Yeah, that's what I was going to say You know, we're in the modern era You can record video of this at any point If you really wanted to
You know, is Hamish the only one who can do this? Or can the dinosaur do this too? Or like all the other aliens?
Well, Hamish wouldn't let a dinosaur do that.
Is it like a Hodi ring?
Yeah, now if you'll just scroll down to... Well...
Well, if you have your best friend visiting you and you did not happen to video record their visit or collect a biological body sample or collect any form of evidence that they were in fact there and that they are real and not imaginary, does that mean you will tell yourself that it didn't happen and throw away that friendship entirely? No, of course not.
I mean, I've taken photos of my friends before.
Yeah, and you're hanging out with Hamish every day and he sleeps on a rug in your bathroom. Yeah. He's your roommate.
Yeah, exactly.
He's my roommate pet boyfriend. Hamish, while he may be a most exotic and unusual best friend I enjoy his visits and I want to cherish my time with him It's scary to say because humanity doesn't quite allow me to say it But I know that he is real It just remains my personal encounter that I cannot properly share with the rest of my so-called race
So called Yeah,
Quote unquote Contact me at contact at orionmindproject.com
Wow What did we learn from any of this F+.
Hamish is the best.
I love Hamish. I want a Hamish of my own.
He's so cute. Everyone really came around to Hamish. I also briefly unlearned how to pronounce Hamish. Sorry to the listener.
Yeah, but actually so did she. At several points, she actually says that she pronounced it one way or the other way, but she spells it the same way so the fact that she pronounced it a different way Really?
Sure.
Was something that she just calls out for no reason? Yeah.
Okie dokie. I mean, this is relatively recent. Like, the latest, the last updates were, like, 2014. 2017 or something like that. Yeah, so this is... You could think this is old internet, but some of it's still out there.
No, yeah, it started in 2011. So, like, I mean, that's when, you know, presumably the...
Yeah, the website's dead. Her YouTube is now closed.
Okay. Hamish took her back to his home planet. That's great.
Well, Hamish, she made a little shrine for Hamish, and that opened in 2011. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, like, it actually says, like, in honor of the most wonderful dragon turtle in the whole world, this website is about Hamish. All about Hamish.
So the bottom of the site says, list the copyright as being 2011 to 2020. So this was taken into the COVID era. Hamish decided that COVID was too much and just took this person back to the dragon world, I guess.
And like any delightful, wonderful website in the world, when you go to multiple pages and see multiple different copyright years, that means that somebody's manually doing that every time. Yeah. And that makes me real happy.
Well, I'm wondering what happened to them. Like, this whole site is huge. Like, did they just lose interest? They stopped, you know, paying for it?
They got deforced over something super petty after all those years. Like, Hamish just didn't want to push the relationship forward. They just got sick. Hamish never noticed.
She finally got Sims 2, and Hamish wasn't as into it.
I don't need you anymore.
No, yeah, she's got the Sims 2. She's got the Sim dressed up in the red pajamas. And she's like, huh?
Huh?
He's like, man.
He's like, oh, I don't know. There's something about this relationship.
It's just not the same.
I just feel like we don't have that spark anymore.
Like, no, it's over. It's over between us.
I think I did learn that you can be, like, a secret space program type weirdo in a way that is completely apolitical. Like, maybe we didn't read the part of her website that's, like, deeply anti-Semitic or something, but...
That's true, actually.
There appears not to be, like, a hateful ulterior motive to her belief in, like, Pleiadians and Draconians and stuff.
Yeah. No, yeah, like, perhaps, but it seems like, like, it sort of just comes from, like, sort of general sublimated sex stuff, And then she just kind of stayed there. Yeah. Like, because like there was like little hints of like, like, like reptilian sort of like controlling powers or whatever.
Yeah. In the evidence section,
But also like Hamish is pretty cute.
In the evidence section where, when she was like, you know, there are a lot of people who talk about draconians. I was like, well, yeah, none of them sound like you.
That's like a very different sphere you're describing. Completely unique.
I think i think the other thing that i found like super amazing in this thing is like is like that there's a lot of people that have sort of like you know imaginary boyfriends or imaginary girlfriends um and there's a lot of people out there that have shitty boyfriends or shitty girlfriends.
Yeah but they're so cute
Like i don't understand why you would create somebody like whole cloth who is like a turtle like a red scaly turtle with like warts and then and then like hamish's characteristics are that like he's really controlling he's really petty yeah.
But it's cute he doesn't speak
Very well he's really childish yeah and like has tempered because all.
But all that's cute when they're not actually there like there's some more fun character development we do
You know he likes his Snuggie Ruggie.
He does love his Snuggie Ruggie,
Too. He does like his Snuggie Ruggie. That's pretty cute.
I did learn that.
I guess we can take some comfort in kind of knowing that it's unlikely that Hamish would be characterized like this if the author had encountered many abusive people.
Oh, yeah, that's probably true. Or at least a different kind of abusive people. Sure, sure.
That's true. It's more seen as kind of a funny fantasy on the same wavelength as Dragon Aliens. What if someone was just controlling and weird? Wouldn't that be just as funny as theoretical Dragon Aliens?
I mean, honestly, you know, like a website like this and it exists for like a whole bunch of years and then all of a sudden it just disappears one day. It's like, I mean, I'm choosing to believe and I don't really want to be disproven that like she just got better one day.
Yeah, maybe they go to a therapist and she's like, whoa, what was this all about?
She literally woke up in the morning and went, oh, I'm better now.
I choose to believe that. I choose to believe.
Like, what was that about?
Sheesh. man I spent like 10 solid years talking about close down the website
Just opens up her eyes.
Starts brushing
Her teeth huh I think.
I'm fixed looking around her department I mean I hope
That's what it is because the warning signs are everywhere with Hamish I don't like thinking about the alternatives
Yeah it's true what
If he snapped
Maybe they went to couples therapy there Hamish got just
Took her to another dimension
The website has always S-T-H-E-F-B-L dot U-S. There's stuff to read. There's stuff to do. There's merch to look at. There's, I don't know, there's whatever. There's also Ball Pit. Boots, say four words about Ball Pit.
It is a web forum.
That's not, you know, never mind. Okay. All right.
That's one of those type-related accounts.
Yep.
Jesus Christ. So many good usernames. I love you, Haymets.
Hey, that works.
I love you, Haymets. That's a bar.
Hanish fan club here.
I love you, Hanish. Can't even be Hanish gonna hook up with a home record?
I'm the reason she doesn't post anymore. You'll need to go to my Hanish blog for updates.
Still or Hanish thunder.
Okay, bye.
Oh my cat's here She's so cute I've done the homies
To look on his face.
That's a real meme face, though.
It's quite the reaction. You could label these guys anything.
You could.
Me worrying about global warming and the economy.
Me trying to sleep.
When that song is stuck in your head.
Oh my god.
The milk I left out on the counter.
Just me and the boys waiting for girl to wake up.
It's a shame I cut the red guy out of the film adaptation of The Babadook.
Portex, can we do this as a web page? Okay, so here's my pitch. Here's my pitch. All right. Here's my pitch. I want to build... Okay, so I'll build the entire framing of a BuzzFeed article.
All right.
Right? And then it'll just be like 14 reaction images. But it's just the one image.
Yes.
Is it like a quiz that just leads to the same thing? All of us are the same thing.
I wasn't thinking quiz. I was just thinking like a relatable.
Oh, okay.
14 scenarios where you might make this.
When he manspreading on the subway sort of thing.