Fortnightly Check-In #48 - The Date Is Set

And you can follow me on Instagram at elliottwaters , and you can follow the show on Facebook by searching the dysregulated podcast . All right , so to begin with , I'm sorry everybody , apologies , I've got to stop doing this .

I keep doing this to you and I need to stop , and that is , by you know , leaving yous all on myself as well a cliffhanger of an episode and then not updating for a while .

It's been over a week since the last episode , and the last episode was dealing with some pretty heavy stuff , and the one before that was even heavier , and then all of a sudden radio silence , so I apologize . Thank you to everybody who has reached out to make sure things are going okay . Things are going okay , but it's not perfect . Let's put it that way .

There's some good things happening , which I'll talk about shortly , and there's some not so good things happening , but may lead to good things happening , if that makes sense , which

I hope it will in a minute . So the major news , the big news , is that I have a date . I have a date with destiny . I have a date with a psychiatrist at the James Fletcher Hospital excuse me , james Fletcher Campus .

I have a appointment with a psychiatrist there , which will then determine what the next steps are , whether that is admission to IJMU , whether that's admission to another extended stay unit , such as Bloomfield that I've mentioned a few times at Orange in central New South Wales , or even Morrissette , a bit closer to home , but usually for forensic cases and those deemed

unable to operate , I suppose , safely in the community . So , unfortunately , a lot of people with psychotic disorders and schizophrenia seem to go to Morissette . But , as I've said to them , I'm willing to go there , I'll go anywhere . I need to get off these medications so I can change my career and I can change the trajectory of my life .

And I can change the trajectory of my life and I can stop living this garbage life and actually do some things and make some change . You know , out there and feel confident about it and you know all that sort of stuff . I want to live a life where I'm content .

Sometimes I'm content , you know , and think , oh yeah , things are pretty good right now , and you know , I was even talking to my father about it literally just before about how I'm constantly and I've said this so many times on the show , but it needs to be said again because I need to keep validating it to myself . That's important .

What I'm saying is that I'm constantly in a state of fight , flight or freeze constantly got this hypervigilance driven by my amygdala , my two amygdalas , driving this hypervigilance that unfortunately , my prefrontal cortex is not strong enough , or at least the neural pathway to the amygdala is not strong enough , to say hey , listen , I've got some logic here to say

that what you're stressing about is not logical , it's not even close to being part of what reality

actually is . Let's change our perception on this situation .

Let's you know , maybe , for example , go for a drive and not expect people to t-bone me constantly , like I always do , even before I went for a drive before , because it's a beautiful day here in Newcastle , a beautiful day , very cold start to the day , and I couldn't sleep last night , so I was up early at like seven o'clock .

So I was like , instead of laying in bed and just being pissed off that I can't sleep , I might as well get up and do something . So I went for a drive around Newcastle , around the beaches Nobby's Beach , newcastle Beach , down past Bar Beach , merriweather Beach , beautiful , beautiful , definitely God's country .

I say it a lot , but it's true Newcastle is God's country and I'm having one of those ADHD moments again where I'm forgetting . This happens and I say this every episode . This happens every episode . What was I saying ? I was driving . Oh yeah , that's right . Yes , I'm driving around and you know the way I go .

I like to go through this area called Honeysuckle . Right and around the beaches is sort of one single lane in each direction , you know . So there's no person driving next to you , parallel .

Because when I'm in traffic with cars parallel to me , next to me , I keep looking at the drivers next to me , their hand positions , to see if they've adjusted their hand position and they're about to turn into me and cause an accident , cause a crash , which will then cause a massive catastrophe . I'll lose all my money , lose my car , lose everything . You know .

Seriously , that's what I'm thinking as I'm driving often and you know , driving is my greatest coping strategy . It is it's my most adaptive strategy that I've got to calm down when I'm in those heightened moods .

But at the same time that creates heightened moods because the actual act of driving or at least the idiots around me I feel as though that they're going to run into me and there's going to be huge ramifications moving forward because of it . So that's where I need a stronger prefrontal . So that's yeah .

So that's the amygdala , okay , the fierce sensory center of the brain . There's two round bits and they're sort of above the ear , in inside the brain subcortical regions . Anyway , these very old brain clumps and neurons .

The amygdala is all about hypervigilance and making sure that we don't get run over by a bus , but more about making sure we don't get eaten by a lion or ripped apart by a bear although there's not many bears in Australia , not many lions either , but still that's the whole point of the amygdala and it's a very , very old part of the brain , brain , subcortical

part of the brain , and it's been great because it stops people from doing stupid things for starters and getting killed , and it also stops people from maybe getting into situations that are not appropriate and not safe and can cause the potentiality of some sort of negative event happening . So the amygdala is all about keeping us alive .

It looks around in the environment and it's like , all right , I'm seeing threats there , got to be careful about that . I'm seeing threats there , got to be careful about that . It's constantly scanning . But the role of the prefrontal cortex at the front , you know , behind your forehead , a much newer brain developed , part , much , much newer .

It's not part of the subcortical regions , it's come later . You know , 50,000 years later it's evolved and it says hang on , amygdala , we are living in 2025 or whatever it is . There's no lines here , we can relax , it's fine . Car accidents are rare . We can relax , it's fine .

Yes , there is a danger , potentially when driving a motor vehicle , but generally speaking , there are no problems . It is fine , it's safe , it's fine to do . Just do it , don't worry about it .

And unfortunately , I don't have that strong neural pathway between my prefrontal cortex giving that logical advice to my amygdala and saying , hey , put your guns down , it's all right , we're safe , it's fine , we're going to be okay .

Unfortunately , my amygdala is so strong , my amygdala , that it is overpowering , instead of the prefrontal cortex overpowering the amygdala , like it should , obviously , if the scenario constitutes it , because sometimes there is legitimate fear and the prefrontal cortex will say , yep , amygdala , you bang on . This is not good .

Let's come up with a plan together to get the hell out of here . You bang on . This is not good . Let's come up with a plan together to get the hell out of here .

But usually , most of the time , people have a very strong neural pathway between the prefrontal cortex that's very loud and the amygdala that's also loud , but will listen to the prefrontal cortex and most of the time people don't even think about the threats that I think about constantly , because they never really see them , because the prefrontal cortex is so in tuned

and does such a good job at nullifying the overreaction of the amygdala that these events don't happen . These events , as in thinking that things are going to happen when they actually are not going to happen at all , it's safe , it's all right , put down your guns , it's fine , amygdala , it's fine , we're all right .

So , yeah , so I can't remember why I brought that up , but that was something that was big on my drive this morning , which was that I was having amygdala hijack and hijacking and it was .

It was a shame because it was a beautiful morning and I did not want to be driving around worried about people hitting me and , as I said , it's that much of a concern that I've adapted my behavior around this way of thinking , this negative adaption , this negative way of thinking , by driving certain routes that are single lane .

So there is not that potential or well , not as much potential for anything to come flying in from the side and whooshka . But yeah , that's a very long-winded example of what my life is like and what it's like for a lot of other people as well . There will be people listening right now and I well , I know how you feel .

I'm so sorry that you have to go through the same level of hypervigilance as perhaps I do too , because it sucks , man , it sucks . I love driving , you know .

I love putting the windows down and playing songs , and I think half the reason why I play my music so loud and sing so loud is to try and drown out my amygdala , which sometimes I do a better job of it than others , but unfortunately this morning was not one of those better times . So anyway , that's the story . That's what was happening this morning .

Newcastle was putting on a show , looking beautiful , but unfortunately my anxiety once again got in the way of what was a beautiful moment to be grateful for , and it was really , really beautiful . Now I don't know why I got talking onto that track , but I know I was mentioning the date that

has been set . The date has been , so I'm going to go back to that . I don't know when I was meant to explain that through that long-winded story just then . But anyway , we're going to circle back to the dates . The date has been made for me to have this appointment at James Fletcher Hospital the 5th of August .

Write it down in your diaries the 5th of August , elliot is seeing a psychiatrist at James Fletcher to figure out what the next steps are . Now I've already done a bit of the legwork already , which is I've started tapering from medications already . Now I did not want to do this in the community .

I did not want to do this at home , living in my bedroom where I grew up in with my parents . I just feel that if my negative headspace , that's already withstanding , gets worse , that things will get really , really bad . But anyway , for some reason I've decided you know what , to hell with it . I'm going to start early .

I have started tapering down my chlamypramine , my tricyclic antidepressant .

Chlamypramine is a very , very strong medication , very serotonergic , so it's a serotonin norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor , but very strong on the serotonin reuptake inhibination very strong , and that's why it's good for things like OCD , because there seems to be this connection between anxiety and OCD and serotonin .

But of course we know it's more complicated than just that . But this is the gold standard treatment for OCD . I have OCD and that has been the treatment I've used , but at the same time I don't think it's done the job , and chlamypramine has a whole list of side effects that I could rattle off .

But the reason these tricyclic antidepressants are not used much anymore is not because they don't work , because they work really well .

It's the side effects and the potential ramifications longer term , and that can include things such as , from what I've been reading , some neural issues and some loss of some gray matter and some movement disorder sort of issues can happen , which I'm already getting .

I've already got bladder issues and the other one has big problems there too , and there's more now all the dry mouth that I get constantly and I'm just so dehydrated all the time .

There's a lot of side effects to it is what I'm saying , and if it's not quite doing the job , well , let's get rid of it because it's not worth it , especially because I want to go back into an industry , the transport industry , which generally requires you to be off these sorts of medications , because it's also very sedating as well , and I have a big problem

with being very tired and sleepy during the day Could be connected , dunno , we're going to find out . So , anyway , so the medication I was on was I was on 250 milligrams . The max dose generally well , not generally the accepted max dose is 200 , but it isn't unheard of for people to go higher to 250 . So that's 10 tablets , right ? So 10, .

These 25 milligram tablets , they're tiny . It's the most painful thing in the world . Remember those little lollies , nerds for the people that I don't know if it's an Australian thing or everywhere . Those little nerds , those little sort of ball things . That's what these tablets are like . I'll push out 10 of these every night when I have my medication .

The dosage I've gone down . I went down to eight , which is 200 milligrams , of course , which is the recommended max dose . So I got down to at least that part , which is good . Now I've gone further . I'm now down to six . So what's that ? 150 milligrams ?

And I'm going to sit on this for a little bit , because I had me starting to get some withdrawal effects . Now I need to also . Uh , there's a big caveat in this which I haven't mentioned , which is I'm on annual leave at the moment .

I'm on annual leave , so I am able to just lay in bed all day if I need to , while I'm withdrawing off these medications , and that's what has started to happen . So today is the first day all week . Today's Friday , I haven't really done anything outside of bed since I don't know .

Last Sunday probably , I'd say Very little , been very tired , had lots of sweats Not the same as the real bad sweats that I get sometimes after long periods of panic . These are more , I don't know , more like flushes , I suppose , but yeah , lots of like stomach problems and just feeling so , just flat and just , oh man , it's been hell .

It has been really difficult , but I'm just holding on and just thinking look , even if I get it down lower , even if I sit at , so I've got next week annual leave as well . Even if I sit on 150 milligrams for another week and just sit there until at least until the 5th of August when I see this psychiatrist , that's pretty good . That's below the max dose .

Side effects will come down a little bit . The withdrawals will eventually balance out , which will be fine . Today is a much better day , although I couldn't sleep , which I think is connected because it is sedating medication as well .

It's so complicated , there's so many moving parts , but today has been a better day and I've been on the six tablets , the 150 , for a few days now . So hopefully I'm balancing out a bit . I'm thinking about dropping down to five , but we'll see . We'll see how we go . I'm not completely sold on that , but maybe , maybe . And did I just get my maths wrong ?

How many ? Six times 25 , what's that ? 22 , 550 . Yeah , it's what . What See , this is . This is where this is a good illustration , actually , of how frustrating my brain is . So I'm talking about pretty advanced neuroscience right now , the .

You know , most undergraduates wouldn't really have a taste of the depth of what I'm sort of talking about here when it comes to , you know the yeah , my neuropsychological makeup , anyway , so I can talk about , you know what I feel are advanced topics like that with not relative ease but a sense of expertise , because I've done a lot of practice .

You know , my whole life I've been mimicking social behavior and trying to figure out what it is people are doing , and I've also

done a degree in it and I've done a lot of work in the space and some would say that to do . You know , I don't think this is being arrogant , but to have some degree of authority on that level of neuroscience . Not that I'm a neuroscientist , don't get me wrong , definitely not . It's basic overall , I mean for the general person .

You know , you've got to have a reasonable level of IQ and yet I can't figure out what . 25 times 6 is 150 . That's right . So if I go down to is 125 . This is what I thought . So how much 10 ? Oh , I don't know . Anyway , whatever , down to 125 . But that is an example of how painful my brain is that I can talk about stuff like neuroscience .

But then a simple calculation I didn't say out loud what I thought the answer was , but thankfully , 125 is what I was thinking . But I just don't under . Hang on , how does that work ? That can't what ? Oh , cause 125 times two is is 250 , not 300 . Okay , all right . So there you go , everybody . I've , I've , it's , it's official , I can't do basic maths .

It's official , I can't do basic maths . That's crazy . Why did my brain , why did I think 125 , for some reason , was 300 milligrams ? That's what was getting me there just then . I was like , hang on , when I was taking 10 tablets a night . I wasn't taking 300 milligrams . Anyway , it doesn't matter , it's been figured out .

I'm sorry , this is probably not entertaining whatsoever . So I'm sorry , this is probably not entertaining whatsoever , so I'm going to wrap this up . So I'm going to wrap this up with a lot . Well , now I've got to lick my wounds now .

That was quite embarrassing , but again , it's an example of how neurodiverse people such as myself , our brains , work in different ways , how we can be fixated on one topic but then be quite blinded on another . That is a great example that I wish I could say I did on purpose , but I certainly did not .

But anyway , the moral of the story is I'm tapering off some medications . It's been a really hard couple of weeks , let me tell you . It's been a really , really hard , really hard couple of weeks and I've got a feeling it's going to get harder . So thank you everybody , everybody , for your support so far . I do appreciate it .

I'm horrendous at replying at messages . I'm sorry , it's a social capacity thing . It's not that I don't care , I promise . Trust me , I think about replying to messages constantly because I feel so guilty and I want to engage with people , but that social capacity just gets in the way when I'm on zero . I just can't do it . It's just oh anyway .

Anyway , thank you for listening

everybody . So the date has been set . The main moral of this episode , which I barely touched on , is the fact that I am seeing the psychiatrist that has the potential , that has the power , the authority to make some decisions regarding my trajectory forward .

It's all happening the 5th of August and I'm holding on to hope that things are going to turn around and that's going to be that sort of turning moment . And it's like boom . I look back and think , yep , that was it when they said Elliot , we're going to admit you to wherever . That was the turning point .

Look at me , go now , you know , two years later , I've got everything I want . I don't know . Anyway , all right , thank you everybody . Thank you for listening . I do appreciate it . You can follow me on Instagram at elliotttwaters , and you can follow the show , remember , on Facebook by searching the Dysregulated Podcast . Until next time . Thanks for listening .

Goodbye , thank you .