Fortnightly Check-In #45 - Still Waiting

I have wanted to do an episode all week because there's been some big stuff going on inside my brain and I'm going to talk about that properly when I have the mental fortitude to do so . The thing is at the moment today is Monday . Often I would be asleep all day today , but I'm not .

I've forced myself awake but as a result I'm very spaced out and I wouldn't exactly say I'm completely with it at the moment . So this episode is more of a check-in to say Elliot's okay , because it's been a while since I've uploaded and we know that's never a good sign .

So Elliot is okay , things have not been moving , but at the same time there's things been . That doesn't even make sense . Let me try that again . As far as getting off medications and all that stuff is concerned , there's been no real movement . So we've stalled . I've got my theories as to why and I've got my ideas of how to get out of it .

But again , when I've got the mental fortitude to go through that story , I will ASAP . But the week just gone has been really rough up and down , up and down , up and down . I've never had rapid mood swings like I did last week . It was hell Unbelievable how tiring and

fatigue-inducing it is for your mood to be chopping and changing every five to 10 seconds , seriously every five to 10 seconds , all day . Up and down , up and down , up and down . And when I say up , the up isn't like euphoria the up is slightly depressed and the down is very , very depressed . You know what I mean .

So I'm still bouncing around below zero , if that makes sense . It was a very , very difficult week and I got through it .

But there's a lot of lessons I think have been learned and I want to go through them with you because I need to conceptualize a bit what happened Because , as I said last week , I've never had mood swings as rapid as that and that's going to take a bit to unpack . Let me tell you right now .

But anyway , I'm not going to do that right now because I am still very fatigued from the week . That was Today's Monday . Often I'd be asleep right now , doing my whole two days of sleep thing , but I forced myself awake . I'm awake , but I am a bit off with the fairies and I'm also getting sick . That's another thing .

Having been sick in months feels like I'm getting sick . So if I'm not as clear as usual , it's because I'm more

blocked up , which is really annoying , because I don't know about you guys , but a lot of my coping strategies , my best coping adaptations , involve doing stuff that is physical . So being in bed , for example , sick , really makes things difficult as far as coping strategies go .

Now , don't worry , I'm not in bed sick , I'm not at that point and hopefully I won't get there . In fact , I'm at Nombie's Beach here in Newcastle and there's an East Coast low that's been hovering around the city and there's flood warnings out , extreme weather warnings and , of course , me being impulsive and looking for that hit .

I've decided to go right into Knobby's Beach and look at this East Coast low front on and say bring it on baby . So yeah , a bit silly , probably probably not , but I'm not the only person here . There's a few people here , so it's not just me .

Um , and I really do like extreme weather events and this one is proving to be a doozy , so I don't want to miss out and that's one of the reasons why I forced myself awake , which was so hard and honestly I could fall asleep right now , but I'm not going to . But part of it was because I don't want to miss out on this .

You know this is , I don't know . People talk about like gratitude and stuff with like sunsets and all that sort of stuff . I feel a lot of gratitude , excuse me . I feel a lot of gratitude for these extreme sort of weather events . I don't know , maybe that's different than the norm , but that's what I'm doing and yeah , so I'm sitting in my car .

So if you can hear the rain and stuff coming down , and yeah , so I'm sitting in my car , so if you can hear the rain and stuff coming down , it's because I'm in my car . I'm recording on my phone . This is gritty , this is raw , and I'm here because I don't know , I'm very spaced out , really spaced out . Today's been a tough day .

It's not been the up and down up and down like last week was . Today's just been sort of down , maybe not down as extreme as what last week got to , but I definitely wouldn't say I'm in a great headspace currently , but watching this storm come in is , for me , a bit of gratitude and it gets my mind away from other things .

This is a bit of mindfulness , especially when I step out and stand in the rain . That , my friends , is mindfulness , because there's not much more you can think about than getting drenched and getting blown away , because this storm is quite a doozy . But anyway , that's all for me for now . I've got lots more things to say .

I haven't even mentioned at all the latest . When it comes to me getting psychiatric care to taper of medications

. There's stories to tell about that , but then at the same time , there's not much , very much , in a holding pattern at this stage . I've tried and reached out to New South Wales Health and I haven't quite got the responses that I've been looking for .

So I've been looking at other ways to try and do this , to try and taper off these medications Plan B , plan C , plan D , sort of stuff but it's proving very , very difficult and I really don't want to have to do this in the community . But anyway , that's a conversation for a different episode . My therapy reflections . There's a big one of them coming .

I'm actually going to the psychologist now , tomorrow . I got in , which is great , because last week has been really difficult and today has also been difficult . So it's good that I've got this psychology appointment tomorrow , because I think I really need to deload a bit or unload or whatever you want to call it download , upload , whatever .

I need to get it out , and tomorrow will be a good opportunity to do that . And when I'm feeling a bit more switched on , there's some big episodes coming . Let me tell you . They're all written out , it's all ready to go .

I just need to be in the frame of mind where my inner critic and imposter syndrome don't push me too hard , where they make me shut down and not do anything at all . So you know , that's what I've been battling today . That's why I'm recording on the phone right now , because this is very spontaneous , spur of the moment , sort of stuff .

But it's important that I get this out there . I am okay , don't worry everybody . I am okay , although there's been a bit of a silence , a bit of a period with silence . I know that that usually means not good things and unfortunately it's been a difficult week and a half , but at the same time I'm still trucking , baby , don't you worry about that .

So thank you everybody for listening . I'll be recording , as I said , my therapy reflections . There's going to be at least two of them coming very soon . I might do them back to back even as well , because huge gains have been made in therapy , which is great , which is brilliant

. So the medication stuff there's been no real gains on that front at all , but when it comes to therapy , big time , big gains , and I can't wait to tell you all about it , when I can conceptualize it myself and come up with a good way to convey what's been going on .

Because again , we're looking at therapies like internal family systems therapy , which is very imaginative . So it is hard to convey what was all going on . But I'm going to give it my best shot when I'm feeling sharper again . All right , thank you everybody for listening .

I do appreciate it and I'll see you hopefully very , very soon here again on the Disregulated Podcast .