Stress, anxiety and other emotions are running high for many people right now. But if you’re a parent with kids at home, trying to juggle work, homeschooling, and the overall uncertainty, your house may feel like an emotional minefield. Your kids are also trying to make sense of everything, and may not be reacting in “normal” ways. And even if you don’t have kids at home, your inner child probably isn’t feeling very safe or secure right now. I’m Dr. Jud Brewer, addiction psychiatrist and neuroscientist specializing in anxiety and habit change. Let’s dive right in.
I’ll give you an example from my good friend Josh Roman who has a 12 year old named Ben. When Ben first found out that his school was closed, he was excited. It was like a vacation. But pretty quickly, Josh and his wife noticed Ben getting angry and withdrawn. Given how uncertain and stressed all parents are right now, they first responded with a typical parenting approach: consequences. After some time and Josh doing some mindfulness practice himself, it became apparent that Ben was just as worried and anxious as they were. He couldn’t see his friends, or go to the park to play basketball. He had no way of understanding or controlling the situation, which made him feel unsafe, and the only way he could get back some sense of control was to react with anger and obstinance. Once they realized this, Josh and his wife Julie validated Ben’s emotions, found opportunities to give him control over his world (like helping select dinners for the family), and added a short mindful breathing exercise before dinner. Together, those practices helped Ben understand what was going on, built his sense of safety, and helped them all connect as a family.
Here’s some of the psychological science that explains what’s going on here, and what you can do as a parent. Children don’t always express emotions in the same way that adults do. Fear and anxiety may come out as anger, combativeness, or withdrawal. Learn to look beyond their initial reaction, and ask them what they’re feeling, and help them name the emotions. As an adult, you have a fully developed prefrontal cortex that can think logically about situations and make rational choices. Kids don’t fully form their prefrontal cortex until they are in their 20’s. They don’t have the thinking and reasoning to deal with situations like the coronavirus but you can help them build their awareness and understanding of their emotions.
1) Validate children’s emotions, especially fear. It is real to them, and telling them “don’t worry” or “it will all work out” without first validating their emotion may seem like it’s helping, but it doesn’t give kids the opportunity to process their emotions in the moment and sets up a habit loop of dismissing or minimizing their emotions. If it’s real to you, it’s real to them, too.
2) Share your emotions with your children. If you’re feeling anxious, first check in with yourself and name them so you can see them clearly, then you can let them know (without panicking, of course!) what you’re feeling. This helps to model healthy expressions of anxiety and fear, and ways to deal with them. Strong emotions don’t have to be scary! We all can learn to be with our emotions without letting them get the best of us.
3) Recognize that children feel even more uncertainty than you as a parent. Sit down and talk with them. Answer their questions. If you don’t know the answer yourself, be honest with them. It is perfectly OK not to know. As a doctor, it is much better to be honest with my patients when I don’t know what their diagnosis is than to make something up or pretend that I do know. Kids are especially good at sniffing out when people aren’t being honest with them.
4) Remember that you also have at least a few prior experiences dealing with a crisis, for example like the 2008 financial meltdown, the 9/11 attacks, or other really difficult things that you’ve had to deal with in your personal life. You’ve seen how bad things can get and how eventually things are worked out. Kids don’t have those touchstones, and may assume that it will only get worse and never gets better. Ground yourself in the fact that you’ve handled hard things. Remind your kinds that you’ve handled hard things before and that we’ll all get through this.
5) As a parent, you may feel like you have no control over the situation, but realize that kids have even less control over their environment (no car, little access to news outlets, etc.) so us the opportunity to (a) overcommunicate about the normal details of life (e.g. when mom gets home from work we’re going to X) and (b) provide small opportunities for control (e.g. let kids pick what’s for dinner.) It helps them feel in control and like they have some way to contribute during a difficult time.
And if you don’t have kids yourself, or your kids are grown up and out of the house, you can still use these tips for yourself. Do you find yourself feeling more angry or withdrawn? Realize that often, patterns of emotional responses that we learn in childhood don’t just go away when we get older -they become habits. Take a deep breath, or use a short mindfulness practice to ground yourself so that you can become aware of and recognize your own internal emotional state. Name it, and remind yourself that it’s ok to feel uncertain or scared right now. That’s a healthy fear response.
I’ll end with a page from the book the boy the mole the fox and the horse.
“Everyone is a bit scared,” said the horse. “But we are less scared together.”
So today, recognize the uncertainty and the fear or whatever emotions are bubbling up for you and your family. Remember, that we’re all in this together. Notice what it’s like to simply know that you are not alone in this. And naming and simply describing your emotions to your family members or just to yourself can go a long way to help us all move forward together.
Onward, together. See you tomorrow.