Could some of what you’re feeling right now be grief? Do you have a sense of loss about being able to spend time with a loved one, or your job being disrupted, or just loss of close connection with other people? Stick with me to learn about a little known type of grief, and how to work with any of the stages of grief you might be feeling right now.
I’m Dr. Jud Brewer, addiction psychiatrist and neuroscientist specializing in anxiety and habit change. Yes, grief is a normal human response to loss. We have all lost something important in our lives, a sense of normalcy. What was regular and predictable just a few weeks ago is gone. Some people have lost their jobs, others have lost regular contact with their loved ones. We might be grieving the loss of a certain way of life, or activities that we need to put on hold.
I learned something new about grief from an interview that the Harvard Business Review did with David Kessler, a grief expert. He talked about anticipatory grief - the feeling we get about the future when the future is uncertain. And he talked about this in terms of a loss of safety. Yes, this virus is dangerous and can spread before people have symptoms. That hidden danger is very scary, but so too is the loss of certainty about the future: our jobs, our health, and our plans for next month, let alone next year.
How do we work with this? As I’ve been talking about in earlier videos, learning how our minds work is the first step toward working with them. Understanding the stages of grief gives us a conceptual framework to then become aware of how these are showing up in our minds and bodies. According to Kessler and Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, the five classic stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, sadness and acceptance. We can see all of denial right now on multiple levels: on a personal level, I’m seeing people who think this won’t affect them or their family. On a local level, I see people not distancing themselves and gathering in larger groups. On a national level, I’ve seen government officials say this is all going to blow over in 15 days, which might be possible but only if we take drastic measures like China did in Wuhan and enforced a strict quarantine, which so far we aren’t doing.
In addition to denial, here’s anger: I’ve seen so much of this in real life and on social media — people with short fuses that explode into anger. I’ve seen so much of this that a few days ago I recorded a whole video on why this happens and what to do.
There’s bargaining. People negotiating with themselves in their heads that they’ll social distance for a week, or that it’s ok to hang out just with close friends, or even that there is some tradeoff between people’s lives and the economy.
Then there’s sadness. I see this everywhere on social media, with my clinic patients, and with the online groups I lead.
And finally, there is acceptance. I highlighted the serenity prayer in yesterday’s video, which begins with acceptance: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.“
My lab studies how mindfulness training can help people change really ingrained habitual behaviors like smoking, overeating and even the habit of worrying. There is a two part scientific definition of mindfulness which starts with being aware of what is happening in the present moment and ends with adopting an orientation toward one’s experience that is characterized by curiosity, openness and acceptance. Whether you take it from the serenity prayer or the scientists, that attitude of acceptance is key to working with what is, rather than craving what you want but don’t have or wanting this all to just disappear so you can have your life back.
I love a phrase that I learned years ago. I find it really helpful to help me, my patients and my students not get stuck spinning their wheels in the past, and it’s about forgiveness. The saying is “Forgiveness is giving up hope of a better past.” Yes, instead of spinning our wheels in denial or creating more damage by fanning the flames of anger, we can see when we’re stuck in the past, and practice grounding ourselves in the present moment. That’s what mindfulness is all about. As I talked about yesterday, this helps us let go of things we can’t control, and focus on putting our energy into things we do have control over, such as staying home, encouraging friends and loved ones to stay home, and spreading kindness instead of anger on social media.
So what can you do today if you are feeling any of these stages of grief?
1) Name it. Take a few moments, and as much as you can, respecting your own limits, let yourself feel whatever emotion you are feeling. Acknowledge it. See if you can name it. If you can name it, the fear of the unknown goes away because it is now known.
2) Practice acceptance. Once you have named what you are feeling, ground yourself in the present moment however you can, through taking a few deep breaths, a prayer or a short mindfulness exercise, and see if you can open to what is. Can you allow it to be there? Can you bow to what you are feeling in a gesture of respect? Say to yourself “Hello grief. You are a normal and natural part of me. I respect you.” See how much you can simply open to what you are feeling and even name the specific physical sensations and raw emotions, like heaviness, heat, sinking, sadness and so on. These help unpack the big bad scary concept of grief into bite-sized pieces that are normal and natural human reactions to grief and uncertainty.
3) Build strength. Denial may be part of the grieving process, or it may be a fear response to protect you against that really unpleasant feeling of fear itself. Denial may give you a false sense of strength in the midst of feeling a bit scared or even hopeless. To help here, look around to find someone you know that has been affected or is vulnerable. For example, I have a friend in New York City who is a confirmed case. My father-in-law’s colleague at the University of Washington died. This is real. If at times you feel in denial, are there moments where you can clearly see that denial of the situation is harming you or potentially putting others at risk? Whether you are in denial or not, look at your actions right now. Are you doing something that is increasing or decreasing the safety of others, even if it is simply staying calm and safe yourself? At those moments imagine how you will feel when this is all over when you look back at what you are doing right now. Will you be proud or feel shame? Being proud of how we acted gives us and those around us strength. Let that help you move forward and guide what you do today.
If you are feeling overwhelmed and need help working with grief, there are many resources to help with this. I will post some below.
I’ll end with a wonderful Winnie the Pooh quote.
“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.”
So today, see how much throughout the day you can take a short pause and check in with yourself. Can you name what you are feeling. Can naming it help it feel less scary. If you are feeling one of the stages of grief, no matter which one it is, can you open to it and see if you can accept it, even a little bit. Practice this short moments, many times throughout the day. You are braver than you believe. And we will be stronger as we use our individual strength to support each other as we collectively move into the future right now.
Onward, together. See you tomorrow.
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm
https://www.fammed.wisc.edu/files/webfm-uploads/documents/outreach/im/module_grief_patient.pdf
https://www.psycom.net/depression.central.grief.html
https://www.ekrfoundation.org/5-stages-of-grief/change-curve/
https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/
https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief
https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/ways-to-support-someone-who-is-grieving
HBR interview with David Kessler, and expert on grief : https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief