The Opener: April 12, 2024 - podcast episode cover

The Opener: April 12, 2024

Apr 12, 202428 min
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Episode description

Here's the opening segment for Friday April 12th, 2024, featuring a wild opening sequence

Transcript

Somebody was excited. Good morning morning Covio every Friday. Thanks man, Now get serious, get serious, god effing yelling. Top fifteen answers are on the board. I'm actually pump. It worked on me. Fifteen random signs. You're an old person now, okay, okay, Yeah, what's your buzzing word? T T boy okay, top fifteen signs you're an old person? TT Danny reading glasses? Oh my god, Now I gotta find it. He always does this. What's hard when there's fifteen of them? It's

hard presented his family feud? Yeah, you're and that means you think think the answers are on the board. It was one of those I fifty eight a M decisions. I don't see reading glass. This is the worst family feud of all. You've probably worked on this too. BuzzFeed again, it'll be better than the worst he news ever. Good night boy, you have to pee at night a lot? Oh? Is that? I don't know If you hit a strike on this, We're just gonna move on and play

the damn theme this what is wrong with you? Look? A lot of people were asked. Many people were asked, all right, uh back pain, Okay, you know what I mean. That's that's easy. That's easy. But no, okay, I'm gonna give you a question. I'm gonna give you. I'm gonna give you. You can't stand or sit without making some sort of noise just to make Danny happy because he doesn't like the game. Wants fine. No one's on board with anything. That's fine, we're

on board. But read and having to pee at night. Those are like the survey. Get mad at the people who took the survey. Get him in at the host. I'm gonna go Ray Combs myself here because I can't get the respect. Just play the intro. There, it is all right, Here we go what they want us to do anyways, Probably can't about death. This one on your mind all day. You never get it. Get many bat your fastday. Here, we're gonna do a show. There's

the segments. See that's here's the segments. Okay, we'll be serious. We do have a new Danny Baylis intro at nine o'clock. Don't you don't even promo that we we we just do the segment. You play the thing, you guys, snicker for two seconds. We get to the content, the meat when we applaud you all right, what was number one? You're so anti fanfare? Tell us what number one was? Got me around? Oh I'll oh, I'll just to think. I want, I want to

go over this damn list because okay, this is ridiculous. Okay, just give us one. It was number fifteen, because there's fifteen answers on the board, fifteen number fifteen, which look much like the judges on Family f youd. I am pretty lenient. You drive by a nice house and say that's a nice house. Well, that's something you never did when you were young. Okay, so is this maybe things you say or do? Okay, not like physical like noises you make? Yeah, when you when it

rains you say we needed this rain. That's not on there. But yes, how about you introduce yourself as Keith to ll cool J if you see him. Okay, not all these are good too, Keith to ll cool J. Number one. You eat a lot of tombs? Really, yeah, they do that. Nice. You get older and like, do you have heartburn? Oh my god, I never had it until like five years ago. Well you do, like three years ago. You have acid reflux?

Oh my god. Yeah, you're supposed to get the either prescription stuff or the like OTC like pills or something, because my doctor said that all the tombs it just kind of coach what's on top, you know, and very temporary relief. It's not really gonna solve. It's just very very temporary. It's a band aid on a larger issue. It's like it's like drinking

away your anxiety. Right, Like if you had a cup of heartburn and you just set the tombs on top, it might cover the very top, but if you drop the pill in the bottom, it dissolves and fixes the cup of heartburn from the bottom of the cup. And that comes from spicy foods. And like for me, it's like if I drink like a lot of whiskey. Yeah. Well, and then you wake up in the middle

of the night. You wake up in the middle of the night and you feel like you can't breathe and you're going and you're right, it's there's just like weird thing in your throat. It's like bubbling. That's acid reflux though, right, Oh, I've had that where you almos feel like you're in a barf acid. Yeah, in the middle of the night, and you know it, what is that? Yeah, it's terrible. That's the worst thing. Uh. And I in my head, I blamed it on Seltzers,

which I'm kind of trying not to drink anymore. You're sticking a straight gin. I'm a happier boy when I do that. He came in the other day to that basketball thing with a bottle of gin and he had like a maniacal look on his whole I heard batman villain. I came in with some energy, didn't I. Yeah, it was nice. I had a plan and I was like, I'm going to turn this thing upside down. I went in, I read the room for a minute. I said,

all right, let's pour my first drink gin. Ideas started going, that's a sign you're an old person is you're drinking gin own gin'rong with a gin and tonic. That's common drink and if you're trying to go especially nowadays in the world of non sugar tonic. But yeah, but you're trying to like watch your figure, are you kidding me? Has a ton of sugar in it. But no, but they have diet and non sugar tonics. Okay, that's probably creating heartburn as well. Make the aspartame in your body.

I do take in a lot of aspertain with the fake diet drinks. So bad for you your touring intake. Stay away from touring for the most part, unless I feel like I need a great morning boost with the Celsius energy. You want club soda. You don't want tonic as far as carbs, all right, the tonic if it's got no sugar, it's got quinine in it too. Yeah, Quinine. That's a Star Wars character. What is

your off the thing? I like, what does your say when you pull up to the liquor store and I'll be right back, and you walk out with a handle of beef feeder and they have to get the box. She's like, oh no, not beef eater. He's gonna want to wallow. Don't want to sleep next to Genny. Oh she has Genny O coming over. He's snores, he's got heartburn. Song doesn't work like the alien movies come to life. His dong doesn't work. Let's leave her out of this for the sake of me. So I got a new It was a new

California gin with a little citrus kick, and it's botanicals without borders. There, Danny, it's the tagline that really sold me. I like aviation gin now. Granted I come from a family that builds airplanes and I like Ryan Reynolds a lot, so it's an easy mesh. Let's pull that, send it to sales. Let's get that going. But I don't, dude, I used to drink but a ton of beer. I don't really like beer that much anymore. I like a few different times of beer. I like

a beer here and there, but just sitting and drinking beer anymore. I love one. Uh No, I do Rolltown Light, you know there, they do have a couple of beers. It's like, not my favorite thing, but Rolltown Lights my like probably favorite beer that exists, and I tell them market it more. Why does everything have to be about Dirk's beer. It should be because it's Dirk, but it is pretty damn good too, to Light or the Colt, the big Germans, the big German I have,

but I went to the road Town Light. Yeah, you can have whatever you want. And every time you like thirty sixth, every time it's empty, you make your money, look at the options and you choose which one you want. You purchase. It's to you consume it anything you like. I'm just giving them company advice. Promote that one, because every time I go to a store and I see it, there's very few of that and very more of others. Very few of that people are buying that.

Promote it more. Should beat the ballpark, but they don't want to. How many how many innings did he make it through his his baseball gin experience at the basketball party, because that's his big claim. Well, he'll bring in a big bottle of gin and go I'm going all nine innings tonight, and he typically gets pulled. I don't know. After the third Mike Maddox just walks in Cash's front door, little fully uniformed, and Kevin just lowers

his head. He knows there's thirty people here, but he knows who Mike Maddox has arrived here for. He knows this isn't just a talk. Actually, Bochie comes out. They don't even mattics anymore. That's just Maddi's coming to get me, because that's just Maddick's going to get me because they don't want me blowing out my third arm. Different. He was good, though he was drunk, was good, but he was the last one to leave. I was happy, really, I was want to leave. I got

out quick. No you did. I snuck out cook because I didn't tell goodbye to anyone, and she's like, you should take goodbye, and I said, I don't tell. I don't say good to remember these people. You were among the last people leave, because so was I. It's usually, you know, at a party and then people come and they arrive sporadically and they leave sporadically and then maybet the end of the night. It's just kind of family there. Yeah, that's what it was. Family relatives and

Kevin ro Well. I had to make sure that everyone get their payouts too from them. I know. It's ultimate square. You were perfect that night. It was my perfect little Kevio makes me think of the old SNL bit from like the seventies, The Thing that Wouldn't Leave. Do you remember that Kevio? No John shows up at a at a house party and he's like the last one there except the people that are ready to go to bed that live there, Like, oh wow, sure is getting late, and he's

like, you guys, got any sandwiches, You got any chips? I am hungry. He just won't leave. But it's like a horror film. Yeah, the thing that wouldn't leave. What's on TV? In your chair? I have a Cash is before with Jackbox TV for sure, playing way too many games while Cash just wants to go to bed. Yeah, what's this cool new video game? It's like two in the morning. Yeah, yawn forced yawning. Mary's cleaning up on a show. Oh yeah, yeah, the washer start. Okay, No, he wasn't that at all.

But you were among the last leave. But it was nowhere nearly fifteen people there too. Yeah, it wasn't all this were one of the last to leave technically number three. Look at what else is on the list of number two? You still print out your boarding pass? Okay, I actually kind of like having it. You do just in case your phone dies you lose a charge. I don't know, it's good to have. How about big font on the phone? Oh don't see it, but yes, okay,

my font was set so big. I had to shrink it this week because I'd go to the Masters app and hit the leaderboard and it would take it would take d Chambeau like three lines to make it across. I can see one or two golfers on theboard. I'm like, I gotta shrink this thing. Mikey's Mikey's fought. It's like when he reads a text for me, he has to read it letter by letter. Yeah, because only one letter

will fit on the screen. Scroll my finger to get through d A and oh that's from Bayles's Okay, it's not that big, and I do the bit set it to max, and I read text near people and wait for them to like double take and look over where it is like that. It's the size of your skin. Can't you ever set your phone text of max? I don't. I don't mess with the thing because I don't want to get it. This is sounds. I don't want to not know how to

change it back. The thing that's funny is not only does he set his text to max, he puts his glasses on too, Like what's the point just the quick guys, So you gotta display and brightness and then text size and then yeah, if you like, look at that's max like max textile. Oh my god, I could see his whole name and that's normal for you? Or did you are doing a bit just maxed it? I don't. That's way too big And no, I wouldn't need glasses if I said

it to that no, I keep it. What I think is because you adjust right when you make it, you make it a little bigger, and then you think that's normal. So that's like what I keep it at. Look big to you. That's I think. That's about what I have mine. I don't even need the glasses unless it's low light. Is that about the same for you right there? Yeah, that's the same as you're doing great those girls he's texting es gees. Why do you have a bunch of

girl names with the name of a bar next to him? Your contact? Fine girl name landing girl named cosmos? What a DNA's It is always funny though, when you're around someone younger that wants you to read something on their phone and you don't have your glad, Like if Maddie came in here and my glasses, she's hands with her phone. I just you know what I do? I just go, No, I give it right back. You're gonna have to read this to mate. That's why I keep my readers on

a nice chain. Your mom does that, yeah, so go Does she ever just give you the phone back? Huh huh? She'll ask me to read her phone and read the ingredients now, Yeah, which she doesn't ever glasses. Yeah, anytime anyone even approaches me with their phone in their hand, I just starts yelling no, thank you, no, thank you. Run. That's my nightmare. It's my modern nightmare that anyone makes me look at their phone for any reason. God forbid it's a video. A part

of life is people want to show people things. Though. Now you know my problem. Never show me anything on your phone. I'll be happier. My problem is in the wild. I don't take my glasses with me, like out and about. It's just a work or at home. Yeah, I just don't carry them on me, So god forbid. You're on a date or something and you go to a restaurant and they hand you the menu and it might be a romantic endeavor and you see the menu and you're like,

I have no and you just hand the phone to the girl. You go, can you order from me? Please? Do they have? You know? Ask what's what's on there? What sounds good to you? Yeah, it's terrible. She knows why? Huh does she know why? Yeah? Of course, I mean you're making it fun. She bought her ticket. She knew what she was getting into. She knew she was dating Papa. That's the one that yeah, I mean you will be that's the one being locked in with Christina. There's no judging on that kind of thing.

And for whatever reason I've told you before, she absolutely loves the deterioration of my existence. Well, she knows that soon you'll be gone and she'll get that huge inheritance. Yeah. True'sroy fortune some people think exists. It's weird they do. I don't know why. Who's of money? Yeah? Powerboat racer all right, not really like he's a known thing that brings people millions upon millions. Oh, power boat racing. That's it's not I never think

about it too much, to be honest, outside of knowing you. Yeah, exactly, I don't even know it exists. I think about it sometimes sometimes by knowing you, and sometimes when I drive past Popeyes. Yeah, okay, thank you, I'll take that. It's about like saying my dad is financially like, my dad's the world's most famous like lawnmower racer. You know it's the Koboda kid. Well, I think it's cooler than that.

Yeah, right, Briggs and Stratton, Pappy, that's awesome, But like, yeah, he's known in those circles is like one of the best lawnmower races. Like he cranked this thing up and yeah, I won a bunch of championships. It's not like a full generation later. It's it's paying well. Okay, so a nine room deal did downbeat request live there? We can't call it DRL dl RL DRL down beat request lot there to debut. Essentially, you can have anything you want as long as I can find it.

I keep all a lot of stuff on my computer, probably too much because my computer makes a lot of noises. You brought your external So if you want an old bit, an old song, or you just want us to talk about something, you can still out a topic and we can you know, meander around that for a couple of minutes. Tell an old story from days gone by, tales of your It's essentially like tales of yours. It's a request line, yeah, from the days of your If you want

to hear all the Masters winners by year, we can do that. We can do it twice, go forward to backward, back and to forward. If that's your request. We don't know the truth is, we don't know what the request is. Nineteen fifty six, So be ready for everything. Nineteen fifty six three, No, wait, nineteen fifty six is Jack Burke Junior? See right? Oh boy, oh yeah, I figured you just have it up all day since it's masters p Yeah, that is right.

Actually I just have the master masters. But that was close, and I did not like that countdown. That was too quick. I did not like it was too quick. But yes, nineteen sixty eight Virginior at one over he won, nineteen sixty eighteen sixty one, I don't know, hold on, thank you, Maddie. Nineteen six day is a hard one because it's six oh ninety six days, Bob Goldie. Yes. One year after. There's some tricks to that. One year after in nineteen sixty seven, which

was Jesus my new favorite golfer. Oh, Gay Brewer. Okay, should have heard Kevin's new character, Lord the Gay Brewer. Hey, guys, would you like some pilsners? You like ipa? It's India pallets. I made it myself, boy, every break he wanted the debut Gay Brewer, didn't he? But then when the light came on, that character walked out the door. No strange, oh ga, gabre I do. There's tricks to remember those like Bob Goolby. I remember, all right, sixty eight

that's the ultimate goal in golf. Sixty eight goal Bob Goldby. Sixty nine is George Archer, who's famously like the tallest golf forever and incredibly large nose. So yes, I do picture sixteen George Archer sixty nine in another person. Okay, the best one nineteen forty one is Craig Wood, and I'm like forty one Dirk huge Wood, the biggest baller of all time. Craig Wood, nineteen forty one. I love that you use the visual skill to

connect your There's only a few of those who work like that. Like nineteen fifty seven. The winner's Doug Ford, but I think fifty seven Chevy. It's it's not a fifty seven Chevy, it's Doug Ford. It's amazing to remember people's names, the scenarios that I have them in in my head when I see them again, to remember their names, yeah, yeah, the

stuff that can't be repeated. Yeah, well, nineteen forty six, last one, I'll tell you because they didn't play for those three years because of World War two forty three four FO five nineteen forty six, an American one, but his name was Herman Kaiser, which sounds like definitely somebody who's on the other side of things. So that's an easy one too. I'm Mike Syroy Danny Bals's year. That's Kevin Turner. Go ahead. You're also doing

a lot of there's a couple where you knew. It was like Palmer and Nicholas went back and forth, and then Nicholas went too, like you knew that order, Yeah, then you knew and you had it behind the gay Brewer line of sixty seven. Okay, we go Jack and Ronie, Jack and Arney and then nineteen sixty seven. Yes, I remember Gabe Brewer because there's a change in the famousness of those who won the Masters that year. God, it's amazing. So I God, that's impressive. Thank you.

Anyway, Downbeat Request Live n nine o'clock today. I have two things written already on my little list, okay and three actually, but to them, we kind of we did a test run, throw it out and see how fast. No, because I have a couple. Okay, well does that me not be able to to? No? I don't want to do that. Okay, good, I don't either. I'll tell you I do have Kevin the Actor, which we just heard last week, because I absolutely love it. I do have the entire Just Ground Beef Song because I'm sick of

singing the part of it in my head. I want to hear the whole thing again. And then of course I have Cade McNamara, Yes, the quarterback. You know you just gotta come hard. Hey, if you want, you can request an informal impromptu visit from Gaye Brewer. I might hear the debut today, nineteen sixty seven. Masters cha, gay Brewer. I don't want to sail to seven seas with me. We're going to make your own beer. Also, I've got a that roller Town is swill. You'll

need to try mine. I don't care if your friends are invested, it doesn't matter. Can you play with your own balls. I got my real stuff. I got stat Wards out boy. I'll drink it the dead of summer. I don't care. The dead of summer's first. I'll take the staff. It's more of a session, I pa. It's real drinkable. It's got a fruit fruity notes on top, and it's real a drill dry finish. So you can just like sit at the pool and just drink them.

I'm gabre, Yeah, you're really good at grinding. There's no way, gay. We grind, grind them, real good grinder. Yesterday I go on grinder. We wrote the news to the nation that OJ Simpson died, or we did. We kind of have a if you took every radio station in America, right. I mean, I'm not saying we were number one, close because we were trying to be responsible with what you know, but man, we had it from the family within a couple of minutes,

and we're the top one percent of radio stations with that news. And it's guaranteed murderer news first stand teed. That's the show that broke the O J. Simpson news to the world. That's how people will know us when they see us on the streets. He's on that show that broke the O J. Simpson news to the world. We have it a bit of an I wants call it a two part segment because I don't think it'll be like the

full thing, but it might be. But I watched yesterday from about three two pm on until about eleven last night, I watched and pulled every single Norm mc Norm McDonald weekend update joke from Saturday Night Live that was about OJ Simpson, along with getting out my SNL book, going to the index, finding the pages where they mentioned OJ Simpson and get the full story. I refreshed it in my mind of how he got fired from Weekend Update. It's

amazing to get fired because of something OJ related. I'll give you the teaser now. So the West Coast President of NBC is Don Olbemire and he was golf buddies with OJ. Oh. I didn't know that had maintained that OJ was innocent because he had been friends with OJ for twenty seven years. Had basically now to Don Olimyer's credit, I will say this, he told like he never said like, don't make OJ jokes. In fact, he told Jay Leno and it's in the book. It's pretty pretty well documented in the

book. So Jay Leno like, you can't stop doing what you do because I'm friends with OJ. But you know, Norm was swerving out of his way to run over O J when there wasn't even news from OJ that week. It's every week and I pulled the best ones, but it's every week and now OJ and you can hear the crowd kind of god. But his

point. You know, Don Oldmeyer said he didn't think normal was funny, and Burn actually thought norms you two, No, I upper management has thought that about all the similar dissimilarities during credit Don dude, Yeah, the similarities are incredible. But I also because it's such a cultural thing, I started going. I was like, cause you pull it, and I've got all these episodes and I was like, okay, so who's hosting Courtney Cox with

Blues Traveler? And then Hellia talks hosting with Muriel Hemingway. I don't even know who that is. By all these people, it's kind of fun to watch who was the host at this time because I think it is a larger discussion in the end, after we get to the fun jokes and stuff, it's the larger discussion about how you took all this in. I remember this being on my grandpa's house on court TV. Danny said it before the show,

he said, change the way we watched TV. It did, and uh, yeah, I launched the careers of so many people, so you know, we got the way. Merrol Hemingway, the star of the movie Personal Best with which dealt with the lesbian track stars ninety four ninety five, oh no, probably like eighty three. Okay, so she came back in the nineties and something she was hosting. It was weird that she was hosting. You can look that up. Well, it's an incredible fun fact.

You just can not believe. You know why, because it was on HBO like every other show was Personal Best with Muriel Hemingway. And of course my little dumb horny ass was watching it because I heard there was lesbians in it. Yeah, that's me swing out to watch black Swan. Black Swan's great it is. I only watched it once and I was blown away. But I never would have wanted to see it if I didn't know that there was

lesbian ball arenas. Yeap, that will do the trick, especially if they're uh, what's her name, Natalie port Natalie Portman or Kira Knightley interchangeable in my heart and both welcome. Oh we don't write that. Don't write that, Okay, So that's gonna be fun. We'll do all that, you know, I mean, like JOJ died. We get to talk about it for ten minutes yesterday, but I know we have more thoughts plus the audio and the story's nuts because every time OJ comes up. I think about Norm

MacDonald, which is probably not right, but it's what it is. I think about the victims, Kevin ToxT. I think of Nicole and Rohan and Fred. Do you think about Fred? The dad mm hmm, less than the victor, the direct victims. Well, they don't know what you're thinking. They're dead. What they don't I don't Not today Fred on the list, I've got your news of the week audio recab A far all You Walk And for the ninth day in a row of Rashi Rice update next to ninety seven

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