We're going on tour, and this is... It's been a while. March 2025 is when our tour is happening. First of all, we're going to Tempe, Arizona. Maybe our favorite city of all time. It's the best. That is... On March 16th. And then we go to Albuquerque, New Mexico. Maybe our favorite city ever. Truly the best city we've ever gone to. That's on March 17th. And then we go to Oklahoma City, which is...
We often say that it's our number one. Yeah, it's our number one, the best city I've ever been to. That's on March 18th. On March 19th, we're going to be in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Our favorite city, without question. And then we head to Dallas, Texas on March 20th. Our favorite city. There's never been a better city than Dallas. If you don't like it, you're a Dal asshole. Thank you. And then we go to Houston, Texas on March 21st. The best city. Which is...
By far the best city. And then we end our tour in Austin, Texas on March 22nd at the Cap City Comedy Club. It's the best city. In the entire world. Number one city in the world. You can get tickets at dolloppodcast.com slash tour. Hi everybody, welcome to the Past Times Podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week.
The great Ron Vi. Hi, Ron. Hello. How's it going? How are you? I'm doing great. Pretty good. You know, okay. But can I just point out the downgrade there from a great to a pretty good within? I started thinking about it as I started talking, you know, I gave me the good old phony. I'm great. And then my head.
started going like you're not great you're really not great actually really bad yeah hold me please can you hold me can i have a hug um well ron you are a great comedian you're in the bay area Wow, that was fast. See, you're doing better already. People can go to your website, which is Ron Vi, Ron with two N's and Vi as in five with a V, would you say? Correct. Or hi with a V or sigh with a V. Well, no, because hi.
That's true, but we're not doing that high. No, okay. Then thigh or sigh? Let's stick with thigh. I'm going to push the thigh part. I like sigh. No. What? And then your socials, your Ron Ron. Yeah, exactly. Okay, Ron Ron Vi. Twice as many Rons. There's another Ron Vi who took it. Um...
I have no idea why, but I have no idea why I do a lot of things, except why I have two N's in my name. Everybody always asks that. Because when I was 12, my bowling coach was Ken with two N's, and I really... Gonna need you to... Hold on, Ron. I mean, this is sounding very Ohio at this point. Let us have a minute here to just enjoy every morsel.
Your bowling coach was Ken with two N's. It was, and he helped me. I was the 1994 New Jersey Junior Bowler of the Year. So, you know, you know who you're talking to here. What kind of scores are we talking about? Yeah, my highest is a two ninety nine. Oh, my God. So the last frame you the last frame, I left a five. Oh, what was that like? It was like not getting a three hundred. It was like you.
Were people gathered around watching you? Yes, because it was during tournament play because I was on the Junior Bowlers Tour growing up. Have you ever gotten a 299 again? No. Do you ever think back to that last frame? Yes. Do you think your life would have been different? Yeah. I was just like a Mr. Destiny moment. What the weird part is, is that I remember, I know exactly where I was. I was in Stratford, New Jersey.
We had a bowling alley called the Martinique Lanes and it was lanes 51 and 52. I remember all of that. And then I clearly remember a visual of certain girls because everybody gathers behind you and watches. Right. And I remember certain girls being behind. And I'm like, why is that the memory I have? Because it's clearly not what, you know, but but but yeah. Are you OK? Are you saying that your sexual journey also changed that night? Is that I think it might be because I mean.
Bowling is not traditionally a very gay, well, maybe lesbians, but not a gay man. Not a gay man at all, usually. But yeah, I was on the Junior Blues tour. I got it. OK, here's a fun fact. Got a partial scholarship to college from bowling. Wow. I got a bowling scholarship. Now, wait, then. OK, so but real quick, you then legally change your name. You add an extra N because it can.
Yeah. So I had no rules as a child, which means my partner hates me now because I do nothing because I had no task and nothing to do. And parties, no rules. My mom just let me do whatever I want. So I was like 12 and I was like, hey, can I be wrong? two ends. And she's like, she let me be Ron what two ends. And I remember the exact bowling alley. I remember the exact bowling alley where this conversation took place? That was in a bowling alley too. Everything. Okay, you guys.
My other great bowling alley story is that I almost died choking on a mozzarella stick at a bowling alley in Lodi, New Jersey. What a way to go. Well, here's the problem. You know, mozzarella sticks are like, you know, they're gooey and stringy, right? And the problem is, is that bowling alleys are really loud and everyone in New Jersey is Italian. So when you're doing this with your hand.
And nobody realizes that anything is wrong. So you're just a 12 year old in the corner, like flailing around wildly gesticulating and nobody. What happened? Who got to you, Ken? I don't think Ken was there that day. Okay. That wasn't at a bowling alley that Ken frequented. We met at a different bowling alley. So how did you get out of this conundrum? How did you... I think I eventually...
I think I eventually just like choked it up. So in other words, you just told us two great stories about you in a bowling alley choking. Thanks. Thanks. Yes. Well, I'll tell you what, it was a pleasure to have you on the show before. The name reveal and the bowling alley regalia. You know, there is a Ron in another dimension living the life of the Ron who knocked down that five pin. Yeah, he's just banging women. WAAAHAHAHA
Good for him. Good for him. Is that the key? Like I would be totally straight and like knee deep if I got the 300, but leaving that five pin, it was like one little thing just staring back at me. And I'm like, yeah, in the dick now. Is that how it went? Yes. Yeah. I don't want to just say yeah, but Dave's right. Yes. The penis phallic shape. It looks like a penis.
Well, Ron, God bless you. You're an angel. Thank you for being here. All right. As much as I would honestly, and we're not going to talk about the mug because it's a top fiver. But as much as I would love to sit here and talk about your gutter balls, let's get into the pod. We're going to go through a weird newspaper. Now, I don't know it. You don't know it. But we're going to try to guess what year it's from. You're going to guess first.
because otherwise Dave will just be, you know, a psycho. He'll make up a whole bunch of stuff. He'll slander me. He'll attack me. And it's going to be a whole thing. And he'll stand there and look like... You have a very... Quiet, please. You have a complex. Quiet, please. So, Ron, you can... guess first the oldest newspaper we've ever done is around the 1600s i'm gonna just be your friend here and say it's not gonna be from that time
The most recent was the year 2000. We did it with the great Sam Sachs. But you get to pick anywhere within there. What year do you think this is going to be from? Oh, my God, the pressure. It's a lot of pressure. It is. Gosh, I don't know. I feel like, okay, I'm torn between what I think it might be and what I want it to be. Well, how about this, Ron? Just because you really cracked open some Bowling Tales. You get one of each. Okay. This has never been done. All right. I feel like...
We're doing something maybe from like the 40s, maybe 1940s, not 18. I think the 1940s. But for whatever reason, I kind of want it to be like somewhere in the 80s. Well, you've just given us decade time frames, which I'm not going to bend the rules that hard. Oh, that's right. Oh, I see. It has to be specific. Yeah, a year. 1940 and 1985. Okay, 1940, 1985. I love the 85 guests, by the way. I love the 80s. I love the 80s, too. I'm going to go...
1956. I'm going to play with you in the upper years. Ron is much closer. It is 1863. So Ron wins. Very close. Ron wins because of his second, he's got two guesses, but okay. Well, he won. Okay, sure. Yeah, you lost. Unlike that bowling alley, I won today. Thank you. Yes. We're trying to sort of redo your life. But let's just talk about how I was pretty correct that Dave would weaponize this part of the show. I didn't weaponize anything.
Go ahead, Dave. This is what I'm talking about. You've got this weird complex about what happens during the guessing of the thing. And just because you've always failed, it doesn't mean that you're not a good person. You're a great loser. The paper is The Union from Georgetown, Delaware, September 11th, 1863. Now, Delaware seems boring to me now. 1863 Delaware has to just be total shit. Well, it's the middle of the Civil War, and the paper is called The Union. Hmm. Okay, still.
Okay. Still shit. Well, it's still Delaware's. You know what I mean? Delaware during the civil war, everyone was like, we don't really care what you're thinking. I mean, in general, Delaware, I grew up in New Jersey. Do you know how many times I had been to Delaware, which is right by New Jersey?
There's a bridge that goes to Delaware. You know how many times I've been there? Zero. Zero. I've driven through Delaware, and it's pretty much like, oh, okay. I've driven through Delaware, too, and it's like if Maine had diarrhea. I mean, in New Jersey, everybody's like Delaware. That's good.
That's good. Wow. That's coming hard. That's good. Coming hard. That's what it was. The first name of the state was Della, and then it was so unpopular, they just had to add the word. Where? Where? Huh? Della where? All right, so... I don't really understand what's happening with this paper, but the front page... Girls Who Want Husbands! Boom! Okay. Coming in hot. Just to remind you of what we needed women for. Girls, you want to get married, don't you?
No answer, no time for it. Only in papers of the 1860s are you just rhetorical. But that's like, hey, you can't get a job on your own. You want to get married, right? It is such a no-brainer. There weren't a lot of choices available. You can't even wear pants. No. Girls, you want to get married, don't you? And what a natural thing it is for ladies. who have such a hankering for the sterner sex. By the way, written by a man, no doubt.
Right? It's gotta be. There's no woman is writing this article. A hankering. A hankering. Like a raving man. Exactly. I hanker a roast. I am a hankering for a roast beef sandwich, but not. Even if I was straight, I wouldn't have a hankering for a woman. That just sounds wrong. Can you imagine? Putting that on, like, a dating profile now or something? Oh, man. I wish I was single so I could be on the app and just be like, I got to hankering for some pee.
I could even say roast beef sandwich if you think about it. You could. Oh, I don't want to think about it, but yeah. Come on, Ryan. Come to the dark side. It is a weakness of a woman, and for this reason, she is called the weaker sex. Oh, my God. Just opening right out of the gate with some dingers. You got to...
Yeah, you've got to frame the article where everybody – so the men are the sterner sex and the women are the weaker sex. Yeah, and they want to marry the stern ones. Well, if you want to get married – don't for conscious sake act like fools about it don't go this is honestly and I'm not even trying to do the guy thing where I'm like I am pissed off this is so upsetting So out of the gate for it to just be this shitty. Shut up, woman. Well, get ready for this sentence because...
Don't go into a fit of the nips every time you see a hat or a pair of whiskers. Oh. First of all, isn't this like during a war, but this is the front page article? Forget what's happening over ladies. You need a man. Quit trying to sit on every mustache. Quiet, Sal. The man's writing. A husband hunter is the most detestable of all young ladies. Oh.
She is full of starch and puckers. She puts on many false airs and she is so nice that she appears ridiculous in the eyes of all decent people. Amazing to... fucking be upset about her being nice. Yeah, what's happening right now? Yeah, they're mad at... Yes. By the way, a lot of those things that were listed, I would be like, I'm in it. I would...
Bang that person. You know what I mean? Like out there, active, nice. I'd be like, let's go. What? What? Say it. Wow. Say it, you piece of shit. I mean, does that really narrow it down for you? Stop it. There's a process. Nice, mean, whatever. You're down. Aggressive, whatever. I'm drunk. Okay, whatever. May she be generally found at meeting about the last one, always at social parties, invariably takes a front seat at concerts. She tries to be the belle of the place and thinks she is.
This is so clearly from a guy who just got... A front seat at concerts? Yeah, she wants to be a front seat. Because then everyone's looking at her. You know, like Rush is in town. I mean, this is 1860, isn't it? What concert is happening? What are you talking about? Gabriel and the Dirt Cellars. They play the bucket. Yeah, the fur traders. The fur traders. The fur traders. They got the best juggist.
You are fitting yourself for an old maid just as sure as the Sabbath comes on Sunday. This is wild. It's crazy. Men will flirt with you and flatter you simply because they love to do it. but they have no more idea of making you a wife than they have of committing suicide. Oh my God. Oh my God. I mean, I mean, this articles, this is the,
first article. Oh, my God. Could not be more aggressive. Now, imagine if she read this, but also left a five pin in the last frame like her life would be over. She would just go run into the ocean at that point. Oh, my God. This is written by a woman. Oh, my God. What? Well, now she's right. All women. If I was young.
If I was a young man, I would have no more to do with such a fancy than I would with a rattlesnake. Now, girls, let Nellie give you a piece of her advice. And she knows from experience that if you practice it... you will gain the reputation of becoming worthy girls. Pitch, not a woman just pretending. That's just a guy wrote it and they're like, make it seem like a woman. This is...
I mean, Nelly is old time gay slang. So maybe this was just like the town gay. Oh, Nelly meant like if you're a little Nelly, you're gay. There's also a rapper, which was always very confusing to me. Cause I'm like, was that the gay rapper? But no. That's so amazing. I've never heard that. You know Nelly? It's kind of like, you know, like your little Nelly, your little light loafers, you know, one of those, you know. No, I never heard the Nelly one.
No. Are you doing Nelly with two N's or one? Two N's, one L. You know, just a little spice it up. Nelly. Wow. Okay, Gareth, we have done episodes about Anita Bryant and other... So there are women like this. There are. I just am running into the intersection of it's... You're not wrong. I also am just like, a paper allowing a woman to write the first article in the paper in 1863 is very unlikely. And the language does feel...
It's aggressively, it's dude-ish. You're saying it's a toxic masculinity feeling article. Yes, I would say that's even being general. Like, this column should be like, bitch, shut up. It's extreme. But you're right. There are these people there. I mean, there still are, you know.
It is well enough that you learn to finger the piano, work embroidery, study grammar, et cetera, but don't neglect letting your grandma or dear mother teach you how to make bread or get a meals victuals good enough for a king. No part of a housekeeper's duty should be neglected. If you do not marry a wealthy husband, you will need to know how to do such work. And if you do it, it will be an advantage for you to know how to oversee a servant girl.
I mean, the joie de vivre of a woman at this. Did you just say joie de vivre? Yes. I just don't expect it from you. Well, it's because you don't have much of a joie de vivre. It must be so, like your purpose is so minimal in this world. I am hoping to marry a rich man, but if I don't, I'll just learn how to clean the walls better. I mean, this goes on and on. It's so long.
If your hair is straight, don't put on... Oh, this is crazy. Okay, it gets racist. If you know how to talk... I can't believe it gets racist in 1863, but that's what... That's an alt title to this show. if you know how to talk do it naturally and do not be so distressingly polite as to spoil all that you say if your hair is straight Don't put on curling tongs to make people believe that you have black blood in your veins. Oh, Christ almighty. So was it cool in the 1860s?
To curl your hair to pretend that you weren't all white? Is that what we're... Ron, go ahead. You know this. You know what I mean? I think here's what I would say I've learned from this country, its history, and its citizens. We will disenfranchise anyone non-white. And then pilfer their culture for whatever we want and never acknowledge that it came from them. So I think it is very possible that that happened. Wow. Check you out with the... Coming in with the points. It's the joie de vivre!
Finally, the girls listen to the counsel of your mothers and ask their advice in everything. Think less of fashion than you do of kitchen duties, less of romance than you do of the realities of life. And instead of trying to catch a bow, strive to make yourself worth being caught by them.
Okay, that last part is fine. Oh, Beau spelled like the French Beau. Right, okay. Yeah, she's trying to say, yeah. I mean, she's obviously terrible, but she's like saying, don't try so hard, right? That's what this is. Don't try so hard. Yes. I'm so confused because it's like, don't try so hard, but it's also trying to push her towards like, hey, get yourself a man and do everything for him right now. Right. The assistant. And I want to know.
Yeah. And like usually like these things, it feels like an advice column where there should be like a picture of Nelly, you know, smiling in the corner, wearing a little like shawl or something, a little brooch or whatever. And like, no, I want to know more about Nelly. Well, there's nothing. You're not going to find out more about Nelly because it's some guy named Carl. I also like where it's like be more, but be less into fashion and whatever. I'm like, it's 1860.
Look, yes, you need to have a bird on your hat, but maybe not the biggest bird. It's 1863. Don't push it, ladies. I mean, there's no... It's a wild opening. Yeah, there's no written by or headline. Who would want to take credit for this? I mean, it's so demoralized. You must have just constantly been so demoralized. to have to try i mean and also think of the 1863 man like uh great right is that you mean great if like a goatee were made out of tobacco spit
But yeah, on the same hand, I feel like 1863, yeah, you don't want him, but yet still, that's like a manly man. He has to like... hunt and get things. I can't hunt and get things. I can't even figure out how to back up my iPhone, you know? I've never wanted to crack time travel more than to send Ron to 1863 to just watch.
Wow. That would. I mean, hey, as long as they have a bowling alley, I might be able to. I'm sure they had some like. They did. They had bowling. Right? Yeah. They had pin swapper. I don't know why. Bowling was one of the first sports in America. Oh, was it really? Yeah, we talked about that. It was like rocks and like... Yeah, the Dutch were doing it when they first came. Yeah. New Amsterdam. Yeah. Right.
And then a guy cut a bunch of people's heads off and was crazy. So, yeah. Okay. Nectar of the Lips. Next article. Well, we reckon some folks would really like to know what we thought of kissing. What is this paper? Because there is a civil war and now we're like, this feels like a pamphlet. Yeah, it's really weird. Like a how to get laid book.
Maybe they're trying to drag you in with a personal touch, and then they're going to hit you with the Civil War stuff. It feels like one of those newspapers you get in every city where you think it's a legit source, and you go through a few pages, and then the last 20 pages... are just like, call Merlot or whatever. And they have that, you know, and it's all personal ads and it's all escorts and all of that. That's what it feels like the 1860 equivalent or like. Yeah.
It doesn't like if this is the first page, I cannot wait to get to the 10th page. It's like when you get a hotel room in Vegas and you're like, there's like Vegas today. And you're like, OK, and it's like an interview with Barry Manilow. Where do you get the best cigars?
Hey, want to get your dick sucked through a sheet? And you're like, what the hell is this? What is happening? Wait, if that is something that exists, I live in Vegas. Where do I sign up to be a writer? Oh, I didn't know you'd move to Vegas. Yeah, for about two more months until I leave. I came. I did. I got to go. This is not. That's tough. That's a tough place to live. Oh, yeah. Good for you. And then where are you going? You're going back to the Bay Area? I don't know.
I have an apartment in the Bay Area still that I rent out because I'm a part of the problem. And so I could go back to the Bay. I could go to LA. Who knows? I could maybe time travel to 1860 and see how What do I do? How many cats? Three. Three cats. Oh, shit. I like it. I like this a lot. And they're all named after characters from the Golden Girls. Let's hear it. Which one are you missing?
Oh, well, I'm not I'm not like only one of them is named after a main character. Do you think I'm some sort of boring gay? Run of the mill gay just out here naming him Blanche, Rose and Dorothy. What are the names? What are the names? Well, the one that would be most familiar to the average person is Devereaux, named after Blanche Devereaux. It's named Devereaux because he is a boy.
And so it was hard to find the right name. So and he's great. And then the other one, the next one is named Jasper. And he's named after a character in an episode called Jasper Dukimmel, who was like kind of like an irate artist. And there's More story to that, but I named them after that. And then we got a female cat that found me in the parking lot here. And she is named Frida after their neighbor in one episode, Mrs. Frida Claxton, that Rose accidentally kills when she told her to drop dead.
I got to tell you, I keep dipping into the Golden Girls and it is such a good show. It's really good. But I guess everyone is in the shadow of you, Ron.
the writing the writing is very good and the characters are very good yeah there's not if you really follow the show by the way there are so many inconsistencies like Blanche has somewhere between three and six children and one episode in one episode her middle name is Marie the next episode her middle name is Elizabeth just so that they can get to a joke that her initials spell out bad like there are so many there's no through like there's really no
only through line is that there are four old ladies that is it uh but it is an amazing uh show i gather i watch it nightly with my cats you know that's what we do here that is yeah Well, I don't even remember how we started, but that is the right answer. That's all. I think we started from nectar of the lips. Kissing. We got into it from kissing somehow. Well, we reckon some folks would really like to know what we thought of kissing. Let's see. In the first place...
We thought, what an absurd idea it is in a man to ask a lady to kiss him just as if he, the senseless being, thought the poor little trembling creature were going to do it. Okay, so... Okay, it's weird. This is weird. No matter which way you say it, it's weird. But is it just like, kiss, let the man kiss you? Yeah, I mean, I think...
The idea of a man asking for a thing so easily obtained. Why? It is ridiculous. Yes, it is just like, let him take it. Yeah, that's right. That's what it is. They're saying, why would you ask? Yes. Why bother? Obviously, he'll do it whether you want it or not, silly. Is this also written by Nelly? I think his whole paper is the Nelly Times. It really feels that way, doesn't it? Yeah.
She'd say no till doomsday, and you, poor unbeliever, would forgo the happiness of drawing nectar from the rosebud mouth simply because... That's the next thing going on my Grindr profile looking for nectar from the rosebud mouth. Oh my god. Simply because you were ignoramus enough to ask for what you might have taken. Simply because you were ignoramus enough to ask for what...
You just take it. He's really up there. Look, there are 10,000 ways to kiss a girl without asking. Asking is, consent is, we're in an era of consent being a turnoff, obviously. Which we're still in, I believe. I think they're saying be more... Okay, direct her attention to something on the table. Ask for a book you know to be there. And while she's there... Go with the effective purpose of helping her to look for it. Be particular to get to her left side. Do you need more telling?
what the fuck so so this is basically the move is this hey look there's a candle ever heard of the great gatsby are you missing something it might be over here just shut the fuck up my tongue's in you yeah right that's what it is You like cats? You want to pick this one up? Hey, what about... This makes me think how wild dating apps would have been in that time period if they existed. Like if you could just...
A woman would swipe left and it would be like, all right, a match. And you'd be like, no, no. We're married now. You married Doug. He makes boots. Wait, what? He's not even in my area. You'll move. Shut up. Your mom backed all your shit. You have no rights. Shut the fuck up. Just get in here so I can chain you to the stove. Here. This is his friend. Your clothes are off. Don't wear them until he says okay.
But I swiped left. Left means yes. Oh, I meant right. Right means yes. Everything means yes. You are a woman in 1963. Shut the fuck up. You shouldn't have got on the app called My Property. I didn't even download an app. It doesn't matter. The app downloaded you. Get inside your husband's house. You are married. A man who would ask for a kiss of a fair maiden ought to be tarred and feathered as a craven-hearted monster. Don't you do it! Don't!
For goodness sake, ask the girls to kiss you. Kiss them if you want to. But do it like a gentleman. I'm mad at you. quick reminder there is a war a civil war right now it's a war on kissing you know you know they had a they they have a civil war they had a war on drugs and later but right now this is a A war on how to get your woman. This is 1863 Fox News. So far. Holy shit.
Profane language is abominable. What is this paper written by a grandma who wants her grandson to get laid? It's just a paper that yells at you from the porch. Yeah, really, it's just like... It's like a person complaining. Yeah. Profane language is abominable. Loud laughing is impolitic. Inquisitiveness is offensive. Tattling is mean. Telling lines is contemptible. Slandering is devilish. Ignorance is disgraceful. And laziness is shameful. And that's the entire article. It's my favorite one.
I wouldn't lie. I would just love to live during this time if this was what our biggest worries sort of were. You know, we've got a lot going on. Like if I can just open a paper today, like tomorrow, if I just opened. The front page in the New York Times. And it was like, this is how you're getting laid today. But to your point, Ron, there's a civil war. This is this is like it's like.
It is almost like Bret Stephens columns. Yeah. Where you're just like, bro, shut the fuck. Nobody's talking about this. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. I also want to know if this is Delaware specific or like if other newspapers from 1863 are also like this. If somebody in New Jersey was, you know. We've never really seen one like this. No, this is crazy and new. Yeah. A lot of times what happens is it'll be like this stuff, and then the next page will just be like, 34th Lane.
But we know the 34 slain in this one. And it's still just someone like, let a man take his penis out if he's drinking whiskey. Don't be so delicate, lady. Won't stand the test. Many proverbs admit contradiction, as witness the following. The more the merrier. No, not so. One hand is enough in a purse. There's more. Nothing but what has an end. So that was apparently an end.
Nothing but what has an end. So this one is not around anymore, but apparently back then. Not so. A ring has none, for it is round. These all were, obviously, we know all these because they're so good. Money is a great comfort. Not when it brings a thief to the gallows. I think these might be jokes. I think this is stand-up. Well, that one is fucking Jezelnik. That is dark shit. Money is great. Unless a thief is in your gallows. What?
What are you talking about? An angst man has no wallet. But if a thief is in your gallows, let him in! Take that can! Have sex with him. He's a thief and he belongs there. Let him steal some nectar from the roast buds. Holy fuck. It is a great way to the bottom of the sea. Well, that's quite a... That's it? I don't know why we lost these, but... Not so! It is but a stone's cast. Just... Come on. No.
The pride of the rich makes the labor of the poor. Not so. The labor of the poor makes the pride of the rich. Well, one makes sense. Flipped it. Yeah. One makes sense. Well, that was an interesting article. Yep. Everyone has been bizarrely upsetting. This is the last little, it's just one of the one sentence articles. It's the last one on the first page. Ron, these are my favorite. Kisses between women are like two.
handsome, unmatched gloves. Charming things with their proper mates, but good for nothing in that way. And all I want to do is whack it. So... I don't even know what this is saying. Well, it's giving way more props to kissing a woman. It's saying...
Yeah, so women have to be kissing each other or else... It seems like it's far more validating of lesbians in the time than I thought it would be. They would be like, it's like a glove and a sock, but instead they're like, it's like too... different gloves that's pretty close for 1863 charming things with their proper mates but good for nothing in that way But has anyone, I mean, I would wear two mismatched gloves. Well, everybody knows you would. I'm like Madonna.
Madonna would never wear two mismatched gloves. You'll eat those fucking words by the end of this show. This is very confusing. They could have not. Yeah, there could have not they could have not been willingly talking about two actual woman kissing in 1860. Yeah. How would that even come about? And like what would this paper is trying to hit. from every angle so women will bang men. Oh, I see. What about men? Can you imagine me trying to pick up a man in 1860? What do I say? Excuse me.
Excuse me, sir, would you jolly a butt rogering? Like, I don't know. Or maybe it's the opposite way. Oh, the things that I would do. I can see it now like a dating app. Oh, the things that I would do to thy lady if she does not die giving childbirth. I don't know. What? I imagine it's hard to eat ass in a top hat. I mean, that brings up a lot of logistical issues. I really do want to go to 1863. You're pointing out problems my brain couldn't even get to, but yes. If you are to eat bottom, eat.
You shall take off thine top hat. Well, no, and then there's some guy who, he was just like, I call it the bottom carve-out top hat. You can keep your top hat on while you're face deep in cheek. Have a look at that, boys. I put the butt part at the back, and when you're ready for ass munching, you're just popping around like yay. That's pretty good. Also, let me introduce you to the stash bib. Don't ask to eat the ass. Good lord.
You have some great ideas. If there was a shark tank in 1863, you would be selling those. fucking dream. My fucking dream. I call it the spit shit house. It's the only crapper with a spittoon inside of it. There you go. It's called the flap rack. Finally, eat pancakes off your worst bust. To correspondence and others, we solicit contributions and correspondence from all quarters.
And when worthy, we'll be appropriately published. Our friends must write briefly, legibly, and on one side of the paper only. The real name of the author must accompany each communication as a guarantee of good faith. So people are writing in some of these. That might be why it's so... Crazy? Insane? Yeah. Because it's... So this is basically... This is just a reader-submitted paper so far to this...
But also, how do they write in? Like, I don't think, let's see, what is 1863? So was there a pony? No. Do you just write on a piece of paper and then drop it off and be like put this in there Raven's claw Hope for the best There you are The raven's like, I bet this is a note for the king to let him know that the... No, it's just about how you should be able to suck face with a woman even if she gives you squint.
Oh, here's... They can't do it. The Copperheads are very anxious to crush us out and have given us any amount of trouble in various ways while we... we're trying to get our little cult, the union in the traces, but we are off now a whole team. And if our friends will only stand by us as they ought to do, we will be champion of the state of Delaware by Christmas. So.
Copperheads are Democrats who did not want to fight in the war. So they're peace-loving Democrats going against their party, Confederates. I think. Oh, going against the Confederates. Right, because the parties were swamped. They're Democrats. Right, right. I thought Copperheads were fish. They are that too. Oh. Just not here. Are they fish? Yeah.
I thought they were snakes. They're snakes. Oh, it's a snake. Oh, it is? It's a poisonous snake. Huh, you think I know more about snakes than fish? Yeah, well. I'm giving him copperheads, you see. That's so funny. Yeah, copperheads were – so the Republicans called anti-war Democrats copperheads. anti-war democrats copperheads right for some reason we know not but maybe because there's snakes in the grass or something yeah they're they're supporting
Their support increased when Union armies did poorly and decreased when they won big victories. Well, can we at least say that the Democrats are consistent in the fact that they'll say something they believe and then do so little to back it? up and get rolled over why i don't understand nothing uh the people willing to surrender the demolition of fort sumter so we're like two years into the war um
A letter dated Morris Island. By the way, our first... We're finally into the fact that the Civil War is going on. Is this on the back page? Yeah. I know, right? Yeah. Right next to the... The sex worker numbers would be in the chronology of the paper. Yes. Is this is this article in the war like right next to the comic strips?
yeah right is there a peanuts of 1863 like i would love with all those proverbs we heard i would love to see what a comic strip is just a version of kathy just being like being grabbed by a man And she's like, ah! Don consent. Ah! Take it. Ah! Ah! The people willing to surrender the demolition of Fort Sumter. A letter dated Morris Island, August 29th, states that the rebel deserters, several of whom reach our lines every day, represent the people of Charleston, anxious to surrender the city.
The shelling process caused general surprise, General Beauregard having pledged his reputation that it was an impossibility and mere Yankee bravado. It has been ascertained that the first shell fired by the Marsh battery entered a house occupied by a number of officers, killing several and destroying the house. Wow. This is such bigger news story. I mean, honestly. The framing of this paper is bonkers. Yeah.
This story is boring me. Tell me how to get married. I know, right? Honestly, what it's done to me, too. I am damaged by the beginning because I was so outraged and shocked by what was happening that now the Civil War, I'm like, ain't. Yeah. Okay, a bunch of officers got bombed, and? The deserters say there is but 25 men in Fort Sumter, and that it will be blown up as soon as the attempt is made to take possession.
And did that happen, Dave? I don't know if that happened. I don't remember. I've heard of Fort Sumter. I've been there. You've been there? Yeah. It's not... I don't think it's as good as it used to be. Did you get laid? Yeah, hell yeah, I did. You're allowed to grab a woman by her belt loop and do what you want. I came in with my copperhead, boys. That's right. Why they have riots in New York, so draft riots. Okay. I think we know then. Yeah, right.
Pretty obvious. At an address recently delivered before the Young Men's Christian Association in New York, the following startling statistics were presented. This is why they riot. There are in New York 100,000 German infidels. Wow. Okay. All right. 350,000 persons who don't go to church. 13,000 families without Bibles, 60,000 children who never attend school, 15,000 vagrant and hopeless children who graduate thieves and vagabonds. Okay, so this paper...
Very pro-war. And the Christian pro-war. They're like, if you were good Christians, you would not riot. You would go to war. But how... did they get that that like census how did they get those statistics like 13 000 without bibles yeah honestly yeah oh yeah they didn't know this yeah because they are pretty insane the numbers
Yeah, the numbers are crazy. Yeah, right. Okay, yeah. 6,000 sailors in port all the time, a floating population of 50,000, all sorts of- A floating population of 50,000? People living on boats. Oh my God. That is not what I expected. That's crazy. You know, a floating population. Herman. They live on lily pads. 50,000 on boats. I mean, maybe, you know. Even for that to be in the realm of possibility is amazing. Yeah. That, honestly, that might be my vibe soon. Yeah?
Yeah, it might just be like, you know, just docked. Houseboat Gareth? Yeah, just docked. Just permadocked. Yeah, that's fair. So easy. You just go to land for like your few, you know what I mean? Yeah, okay. Just go get some bait. eat whatever I catch right off the back of the boat. I'm able to get out of there real quick. You know what I mean? Maybe get a vending machine in there. What? For what? I don't know. Just snacks and whatever.
Get some pretzels put in it. You have, but you're going to pay for your own snacks? I don't know how the vending machine... I've never had the curtain peeled back, but I don't know how that works. I'm pretty sure it's just... Well, your idea is to have a vending machine on your own houseboat, so I'm wondering what the...
The guy fills it. I don't know if he's paid by the government or whatever. But are you paying for the... Like, if you want crackers... Ideally, no. Oh, I'm putting money in it? Yeah, absolutely. So you have... Straightening out the bill on the edge of it and whatnot? Someone has a...
Someone has a vending machine business on your boat that you own. Again, I don't really want to get into the behind the scenes of it all. I feel like we have to, though, because this is your dream. Ryan, do you have any questions about this process? No. Well, you know, the thing that I answered anything that the thing.
The thing that I'm like equating this to is that I told you I'm living in Vegas and Vegas is very weird. There are people who are such gambling addicts that they've purchased their own slot machines and put them into their own houses. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. But when you hit a jackpot, yeah, do you pay yourself? What do you do? Do you just go to your, like, house? What are you two not understanding about feeling like you're winning at home?
But you're not winning at home. Yes, I am. I'm getting a Heath bar for 55 cents. E2. It's like snack bingo, asshole. You're ordering food. No, I'm not. The man's putting it in there. He's got the key. It's the round little key. What are you talking about? I don't think you know how anything works. I don't think you need to come visit my awesome situation.
Don't want to. I think the boat smells. Good. You're not getting a little bag of rolled goals or any donuts. I can just picture it getting stuck right now and then you have to shake the vending machine. No, you don't. shakes your boat and then your boat sinks. No, no, no, no, no, no. Look.
We're going to get back to the premise of the show in a minute, but let me clear a little something up for two naysayers. You don't need to shake the vending machine. You take the boat out for a little while and nature knocks it down for you. Boat idiot. I wish we could go back in time and have Nelly write an article on you and your boat. You better believe Nelly. Good Lord.
Okay, more stats. Nelly will be like, you want that snack? Don't pay for it. Take it! Yeah, yeah. Let him put his hand up there and steal the snacks off of the little Slinky. Slinky. Slinky? Yeah, a little rotated. That technology was probably so fucking big in the vending machine world. But they'll be able to shake it. Then some guy's like, all right, wait, wait, wait. I think we're just we're running around in circles. And I think someone's like, wait, wait, wait.
Run around in circles, yeah. Like a spiral. Like we could lodge the food in a spiral. We could space it. And then it'll rotate. It gives us the opportunity for the food to drop. Oh. So we can get rid of the bird that goes and takes it with his beak and drops it into the hole? We no longer need the vending bird. Wow. No more vending vultures. This is exciting. Yeah, this is awesome. All sorts of books in circulation and in any quantity. 90? There's...
I don't even remember what we were talking about. This is the list of why New York riots. Sorry, all sorts of bad books in circulation. So misinformation. So bad books being non-Bibles. Yeah, non-Bible. Now they have an actual stat because it's a very specific number. 99,232 arrests by police last year, three-fourths of which were traceable to drunkenness. You'd be proud of that. Yeah, that's all right. That is so much alcohol. People are having fun. Yeah.
6,000 places where liquor is sold, 25,000 abandoned women keeping up their end of the so-called social evil, 2,500 brothels, arrests in... 1862 equaling one every nine commitments to prison, one in every 22 of the entire citizenship, the cost of crime, pauperism, and moral obliquity.
More than 3 million this year. Half a million of people living in tenement houses. 25,000 persons living underground. Oh, that's like Vegas. Bless us. That might be my new option. Yeah, bless us. Talk about the riots. Isn't... It a miracle that they don't have a riot every few minutes instead of one every 10 or 15 years. So he's basically saying people are poor. That's what he's saying. People are poor. People are poor, drunk, and looking to bang. And they're not all in church. I know.
longer want to go back to 1860 i want to take someone from 1860 and drop them in new york right now right this minute how did these statistics hold up yeah Yeah, seriously. He ends up just loving Bubba Gump. You're like... I had a whole plan for your existence. I was fixing to go back to Bubba Gump today. That lady who lets you in her night, she told me the wait was going to be an hour 45 because they were on a rush.
What does that mean? I wanted you to go explore the city a little more. That Bubba Grump got the best seasoned fries. And they'll let you put all those fixings on for nothing. Look. I took you out of 1863 to get your take on modern day New York. The math rooms in Bubba Gump are so different from the ones in my time. I could take you to bathrooms that were way better than that. I don't want to trust anything other than the shitter at Bubba Gump.
Look at the menu, Ron. I've been here before. Ron, you have brought me into paradise and I could never repay you. There's like a thousand better restaurants right around here. We can go to Olive Garden. I would never go to a garden of olives. Why would I do that? This place is full of shrimp. They can do it so many different ways. In my time, they were considered cockroaches, but it's one of the most versatile things on a menu ever.
And did I tell you about the bathroom? The sink will wash your hands for you and it's a great place for ass cleaning too, Ron. As long as they don't let the Copperheads in here. As long as the Copperheads don't come here, we'll be fine. Ron, I was fixing you and I could go live under that table back there. That way we don't have to wait for paradise every day.
I'm mostly just thinking about an Italian Homer Simpson running through an olive garden, a garden of olives. That's what I'm stuck on now. Got a big black mustache. The draft in New York State, in Kingston, New York, the draft... And seven out districts of Greene County were completed today. The best of order prevailed. The draft took place in Poughkeepsie today. The best of...
Feeling prevailed, and in the evening, the conscripts paraded the streets, accompanied by a band of music. Among the drafted was the chief engineer of the fire department and the editor of the Poughkeepsian. So they're basically saying they're not New York animals. Yeah. They're like, Oh, you've never felt better than getting drafted into a war. You idiots. There's a band.
By the way, if you live at Peskipsy now, you'd be like, draft me. Draft me, please. Draft me. For the love of God. Bread riot at Mobile, Alabama. Okay. refugees who have lately arrived within our lines bring exciting reports of the terrible conditions of affairs in the South. One man who left Immobile on the 5th states that a terrible riot broke out among the soldiers' wives on the 4th. About 600 women and children collected on Spring Hill armed with clubs and hatchets.
Good order. That's a beautiful sight. Women and kids. Honestly, my dream would be for a kid with a hatchet to be like, buddy, I'm going to fucking hatchet kill you right now. Just snatch it away so fast. Like an eight-year-old with a hatchet.
So if a kid comes to you with a hatchet, you're going to take it from him and kill him? I thought you guys were going to get on board a little faster and now it feels lonely over here. But yeah, I'd be like, a kid coming at you with a hatchet who's going to kill you? What about just take it away and not kill him? I mean, this seems like nothing if you've been to like a mobile Waffle House at three in the morning. Can you imagine dropping them now and putting them there? See what happens.
Ron, it's unbelievable the food they got in there. The syrup, they'll let you take as much as you can. I was like, I gotta stop bringing people back there without telling them what their mission is. They marched through the principal streets carrying banners on which were inscribed bread or blood, bread or peace, etc. I'll have some piss. I'll have some piss. I'll have the peace. Being soldiers' wives, their proceedings were winked at by the soldiers who made but a feeble resistance.
Stores were broken open and forcibly entered. One merchant, a Jew. Oh, my God. Wow. Let's all have a moment. Holy fuck me. Jesus Christ. One merchant of Jews struck one of the women. Quit reading it. Some policemen who were present arrested the Jew and beat him severely. Oh my God. Well, I think they're trying to make a point here that this gentleman was Jewish. I haven't gathered. They're being subtle about it. But the point is being made. But quick question. Was there a band?
No bad. After they beat him. Oh my god. Many citizens have left town, among whom was our informant, who says the riot was increasing when he left. Well, I get why he left. And the informant was not a Jew. No, non-Jew. No Jew. Jew or no Jew. Yeah. Page four is Jew news. Yeah. Jews. Breaking Jews. Jew out of no. Okay. We did it. Oh, here's some... Sinbad the Sailor. It is generally conceded now that most of the wondrous adventures of Sinbad...
During the seven voyages, as related in the Arabian Nights entertainments, are literally founded on facts. That's right. We can finally say that Sinbad was real and his adventures true. Sinbad lived in the 8th century, and his voyage popularized... Imagine in 1863 being like, we can finally confirm something from the 8th century. We have the technology now.
A wizard sucked on Sinbad's bones and said they tasted real. So, there you go. Cyclops happened. Cyclops, real. Look at this skeleton. No eyes. Bingo. Go ahead, Ron. Oh, no. I was just thinking about how I can't wait for this article to end and be like, and in Sinbad's next life, he will be a stand-up comedian. And a great one. Wearing bright clothes. Very colorful.
I did a gig once in like Alabama. And it was like, man, it was like seriously like 30 people there. And then after the show, the GM of the club. He we just I don't know. I don't remember his name, but me and the staff of that club partied so fucking hard that the next day I left and I was like.
Who were they? What just happened? Like we ordered a, we smoked, we were just, it was crazy. But he was like, you know, the one guy who's never had a bad set and you can ask any club manager anywhere. Sinbad is like never bombed. and that was like a night when I bombed I was like it's time for the Sinbad talk young comedian yeah I was like cool mister I love when they I love when they give you
Like, like I was just at a gig last weekend and a customer comes up to me and goes, oh, you're here this weekend. I'm like, yes. And they're like, oh, I thought it was supposed to be. And they named a comic and I made a joke. I'm like, well, I hope you're not looking for smart jokes because that's what that comic does and that's not what I have. And on the way out, that guy comes up to me and goes, oh, no, your stuff was pretty good. You had three smart jokes. I'm like, oh, thanks.
are counting i'm glad you're keeping a tally on that thank you sometimes the in-person yelp they'll give you is like the most painful thing ever Well, and then it gets worse because I got home and the next day they found me on social media and then told me that they were an aspiring comedian. And do I have any advice for them? And I just wrote better. I wrote right smarter.
You know, that is great. That's actually great for that because that means they were not coming from the John Q customer standpoint. They were like, I'm awesome. Yeah. Always enjoyed that instant feedback. Was that the end of Sinbad Day? Oh, no. Okay. It's popularized in the book, Arabian Nights, is related in an Arabic book, which was translated into French by M. Lenglis and published in Paris in 1848.
I just would love to cut to a producer just like, the truth is, not a lot of people talked about the Arabian days. They were also not. In his third voyage, as popularly told, Sinbad was attacked by hideous dwarves about two feet high and covered in red hair. Oh, come on! Why are they coming to me? Two feet? Two feet high and covered in red hair. Leprechauns, bro. Yeah, it doesn't. It turns out. It turns out the story of Sinbad killing leprechauns was real.
It turns out that the inhabitants of the Adamant Islands and the Bay of Bengal are dwarves. whose full height is four feet, five inches, and their average weight only 76 pounds. They are not covered in red hair, but are painted over with red okra and oil. These aptly... correspond with the pygmies. 1863 debunking is my fetish now. I don't know what just happened. I have to be really honest. Well, they basically were like, it's a crazy story they told you about Sinbad.
Modern science now lets us know that those dwarves were four feet tall, and they weren't at all covered in orange moss. No, someone just painted them with okra. It's not... I love stories like... Like from this time and what, what, like I was in Iceland and they were like, Hey, Hey, Hey, this field is it's like, like littered with like door, like doors and mystical creatures that are all hiding.
And then when you least expect it, they're going to like tell stories and do songs. And then, you know, why they say that is because it literally said, oh, a girl with mental illness was roaming this field on her own. And she. heard all of this so now it must be true so 200 years later this is definitely true because a girl with mental illness heard it is just overlooks the waterfall by the way that is um haunted by a ghost dog and they say
because the dog is a ghost, he blows the waterfall off course every day. And I go, yeah, it could also be wind. Wind can do that too. But now, let's just go with ghost dogs. Did you take a waterfall tour? Not a tour tour, but I went and explored many waterfalls and I looked up, I got like a whole guide and I like found a hidden waterfall on my own that I had to like, I had to go over rocks and rivers. Yes, I definitely did.
All right. That's what matters. This this waterfall here was blown by a tourist. They say don't go chasing waterfalls, but I didn't listen because I'm a rebel. I went and went. That's right. No rivers and lakes that you're used to. Ron. Thank you for being our left eye and joining us on this episode. Couldn't appreciate it more. I got to say a real banger from from bowling to the end. Yeah. Top notch stuff. Please come back.
And congratulations on the bowling. I'm not going to lie. That was awesome. But you're the best. Thank you. Any parting words, people can go to ronvi.com, two N's in Ron. We know why, because it can. Yeah, yeah. And I always want to know where Ken is these days. But yeah, do I really want to know? I don't really want to look at my future like that. I don't. Ken...
And Ken is probably homeless at this point, frankly. If Ken is out there anywhere, reach out. We'd love to put you two back in contact. That's right. That would be... worse matchmaking than suggested in that article. We'd love to put you two in contact. So if anyone has, can please reach out. We'd love to get despite the bad attitude. Well, well, thank you so much, you guys and everybody. Check me out. I update my.
calendar. Come hang out on my social media. Say hi and whatever. It's Ron with two N's. Yes, it is. Ron twice. A name so nice I had to write it twice. And then N twice. Tributes to Ken. Ken, double down on Ken. Thanks, Ron. Some of these days, you'll miss me, honey. Some of these days. Hey. Hey, dollop fans. I know you love the dollop. You love listening to the dollop. Do you want to watch the dollop? You're like, Gareth, what are you talking about? By the way, it's not Gary. It's Gareth. Well.
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It really genuinely kicks ass, and we're very proud of it. And the more you share it, the more you give it to people, the more you follow Lakeside, all that stuff, the better chance we have of making a lot more of them. We're already making a second one, so go there and watch The Rube.