Santa University: Part 9

Welcome to Santa University nine. My name is Jamie Loftus. I actually did. If you're returning to Santa University for a ninth year, please seek professional help. If this is your first time joining us, best of luck. I think it's pretty intuitive and should make a lot of sense. Santi University is part of an unproduced project I've been working on since twenty twelve, the six hundred page script, and I kind of just yank out fifteen pages a

Miles Gray and I'll be playing Gan Santa. I'm Jack O'Brien.

I'll be playing Dean Santa, Goth Santa, and Baby Santa.

I'm on a host name and I will be playing Gal Santa.

I'm Sophia Lick Drumman and I'll be playing Intellect Santa.

I'm Joel and I have the honor of playing Jamie and Professor Santa.

My name is Caitlin Derante. And I'm playing solely Whizz.

I'm Robert Evans, and in a rare case of casting against type, I will be playing Second Amendment Santa.

Yo, low key, what's up, Squad? This is Prop I'll be playing a head ass Santa.

This is Victor. I'll be playing the toilet Goblin.

I'm Bee and I'll be playing pregnant Santa.

I'm justin. I'll be playing cool Santa.

I'm Brian the Editor and I'm playing James Cameron.

I'm Ian Johnson reading as arms where his eyes should be Santa.

I'm Catherine Law and I'm playing traum a nurse. I'm Molly Conger and I'm thrilled to be joining the cast of Santa University this year as Glory Hole Santa.

An important part, a crucial role. Ball guys, let's get into it. Interior via asylum, massive sprawling stone asylum like the one in Shutter Island. Remember Shutter Island. The twist is that the DiCaprio character was a patient at the asylum. You've had twenty years to watch it. Remember when the old lady said sh in the trailer for Shutter Island, please stop listening to this and co watch Shutter Island instead, anyways.

Yes, James Cameron. The password to the asylum is pickleball. Now, what are your wishes?

Three? James Cameron, not understanding that trauma nurses could grant three wishes but can never bring someone back to life.

I wish that Avatar Fire and Ash to be the third best Avatar movie.

I think this is what he sounds like.

I wish to get invited to Seth MacFarlane's Christmas party instead of all those twenty year old women I hear that, and I wish to see your patient. The writer of Sanna University.

The trauma nurs pinches James Cameron's little butt. He laughs and gets a playful boner interior asylum. The next day, James Cameron awakes in the trauma nurse's bed, still reeling from the sexual experience of the night before. Jamie will under stand the traumters leads him out of her chambers and to where the patients are.

Oh huh, how bad is it?

Will she be okay, it's not looking good, mister Cameron.

Please, after last night, you can call me James.

Jamie Loftus, the writer of Santa University, has proven herself to be so mentally ill that we had to reopen this asylum.

Quote old school end quote. You know what we mean. She opens another large stone door and reveals Jamie haggard and miserable. Over thirty now. She shivers behind a set of little bars with the little phone thing. Because I realized halfway through that I did not set this in jail. I set it in an asylum. I'll leave you to alone, James Cameron yelps as the door shuts.

Wait, could I have your email so we can James.

Cameron must not be as good at sex as he thought. I didn't think you were coming.

I did a lot, and that's why I'm confused as to why she doesn't want my email.

I need you to get me out, James Cameron. I don't belong here?

What happened?

Jamie frowns, page five fifty to five sixty two of Santa University. She starts to sing a soft ballad sort of like I dreamed a Dream. The song is called will I Ever Be Free from Santa University?

Will ever be Free from Santa University? No, I'm gonna die here? Dah dah dead.

Everyone's cheering. A gust of wind blows through the chambers as the magic of Santa University pierces the world once more. Santa University the six hundred page unproduced musical about a university full of Santa's, where forty thousand Santa's a role each year, but only one survives that has leaked out

Quit all right, Santas, Let's jingle those bells.

It's another day in jingle class, and all the characters we half remember from years past, and inevitably one I'm going to forget and accidentally hurt someone's feelings. There's Dan, Santa Gal, Santa Cool, Santa Intellect, Santa Second Amendment, Santa Hell. There's even arms where his eyes should be Santa.

Ah, jingle, A bell won't ring.

He clutches as Santa stomach delegately.

And I don't feel so good.

Arms were his eyes should be Santa uses the arm where most people's right I would be to shoot him with a harpoon.

Shut the hell up, Dan Santa, you would have died four hundred pages ago if you weren't the protagonist of Santa University.

Plus you look like shot.

All the other Santa's in the room, especially the teacher, really make a meal of bringing it home and really good guys. Dan Santa turns to where he thinks Goth Santa, his roommate at Santa University, who will survive until close to the end of the movie.

Not quite is ah Jingle God Santa be shot?

He frowns, Where is God Santa?

Where's God Santa?

A few students think about shooting Dan Santa with another harpoon, but harpoons are expensive, so they ignore him. Instead. Into Alexanta jingles her bell effortlessly.

If the writer at any sense, she'd make a woman the protagonist of Santa University, good one in Alexanta. And that's the Bechdel test. Let's move on.

Are we missing a student goal Santa's eyes widened?

Wait did the Bechdel test just get passed from a third character?

My name is Professor Santa. By the way, it.

Took until page five hundred and fifty one of the screenplay at Sandy University, but this might actually be it.

Oh yes, we're Sully.

Why Sully bursts into the classroom and everyone cheers into like Sanda grumble.

Me so much for.

That, Sully, you got to be the second coolest Santa at Santa University.

I don't even go here.

I'm just a regular die from Dorchester.

Everyone starts hooting and hollering.

Wow out here shooting a yeah.

Shoot the now Sully shoot.

The noticing that Sully has recently gotten a BBL second amendment. Santa, who oh yeah, is here as well, smiles in disbelief.

It's like looking at the sun. It's over, well man.

Sully sits beside Dan Santa, where Gosen usually sits.

Have you seen go Santa, Sully. I haven't heard from him since page three eighty six of Santa University.

Sully looks around, then leans into Dan Santa and speaks in a totally normal accent for one line only. It's actually kind of British.

I'm sorry, Dan Santa, I'm afraid I don't. It's possible the roted just fugult about him.

This never happens again. It's clear, though, that the BBL is recent Sully is uncomfortable.

This all, this doesn't feel right.

He clutches his stomach again.

I feel strange.

Gal Santa straighten's in her seat, feeling a song coming on.

No, please God, Dan Santa, don't sing.

I have six more harpoons, so.

Help us, Dan Santa, if you start too late, Dan Santa's already singing a classic Disney I want song, but it's not about anything he wants. He just feels strange.

I feel so strange. Nothing feels right. What is happening to my wound? The blood won't stop gushy.

And I just don't feel right anymore.

The song is grating and features a number of key changes, one of which is just out of Dan Santa's vocal range on the high end, the other just out of his range on the low end. It's fucking embarrassing. By the end of the song, sixteen minutes later, everyone looks pale and ill, and Dan Santa clutches his stomach again.

Dan Santa, why don't you he throws.

Up, He's so bad, Professor Santa Pat's pool. Santa on the back then tries a little bit of the vomit and frowns as if to say that wasn't so bad. Dan Santa hit the locker room. You shit, he'll see you ugly runs from the room, mortified.

It's only the fourth perst spade of Santa University and things have already become too confusing to write out of.

In the next forty.

Minutes, Interior Santa Bathroom. Fifteen minutes later, the other bathrooms were closed and Dan Santa was banned from using the other one due to something explained in pages two fourteen to two eighty nine of Santa University. Dan Santa enters a bathroom almost doubled over in pain. He stands before a stall that says beware toilet goblin within.

What's up, Dan Santa? Please enter?

That's what he thinks the sign says. Dan Santa closes the stall door behind him and sits on a Santa toilet, a normal dirty toilet with a little hat on it. A familiar voice can be heard stage whispering from the stall next door.

Shh yo, low key. You just wait a few minutes and he'll leave you fee me. Oh, come on, I cannot get into another conversation with.

This fool over here, with this piece of shit. Have you seen him?

I've never seen Dan Santa.

It's hard to see from the gloriole. Lo KEI come on, he's gonna want to talk to.

Us in the gloryhole.

I mostly taste.

Is that you head ass Santa? That's you?

God damn it taste come.

Head?

As Santa tries to pitch his voice up to disguise who he actually.

Is, who's head ass Santa?

This is uh locate too many DVD's, Santa.

Look, I don't mean to bother you while you're in the bathroom.

Okay, it's all good. He's in the gloriole, he can multitask.

Are you guys feeling strange too?

I've been feeling sick all morning, bro, Seriously, did you look in the mirror?

No?

No, no, No, that's too much.

Look, there have been people coming in and feeling sick all day. There's some low key like dead ass, some mysterious plot illness going on.

Dan Santa Sai's the toilet fully clothed, mostly because he is a fool, but also because the studio made me swear on my life I would never show Dan Santa without his clothes off.

Is that why you you gonna visit the toilet goblin.

Who's the toilet goblin?

Didn't you read this? Oh?

I see what happened here too late?

The toilet Goblin emerges from the toilet. Dan Santa sitting on pregnant.

Who are you keep up, Dan Santa? The toilet goblin just told you you pregnant?

What Dan Santa feels a pain in his stomach again, his eyes widen.

Oh my freaking gosh, I'm pregnant.

I hope you weren't getting too attached to the toilet goblin, because that's the last time you'll see them. Interior Gal Santa's dorm. Later, Intellect Santa and Gal Santa look at Dan Santa with disgust. Intellect pulls a thermometer from beneath his armpit.

I had to come to tell you right away, Gal, Greg. I'm sorry, Greg.

That takes me back. Okay, sorry, what do I care? I've never touched you and have no plans to.

Dan Santo does what he thinks is a flirtatious blink, but it looks like he's being attacked by parrots.

How is this possible? Intellect, No one in their right mind would ever get Dan Santa prank.

Gent Intellect Santa pages threw some notes.

It would appear that sometime between pages four hundred and five hundred of Santa University being written, America has sunken deeper and deeper into fascism and rolled back reproductive rights, which has led to an unusual amount of media fear around pregnancy and horny pregnancy content in general.

Meaning that the writer of Santa University might just know it's too stupid.

I'm afraid so the writer to Sandy University might panic and write a twelve page sequence in which the protagonist at Sandy University gets pregnant along with half of the school in mysterious and unexplainable circumstances.

She in the immaculate Sant eception.

He high fives himself.

Huh sounds boring.

May I have a kiss now?

Oh, pregnant Santa? Remember her from last year? I genuinely didn't, but I'm relieved she's here pregnant. Santa enters pregnantly with a very flustered second amendment, Santa.

Gail, Santa, we wanted to tell you first we're pregnant.

Why is everyone telling me you.

Two had an immaculate Santa conception as well?

What Oh no, we fucked.

I'm not safely.

It's honestly shocking. We didn't get pregnant. Sooner.

Sully passes with his BBL, looking very uncomfortable. He peers into the room.

Why is that everyone? I got some news.

Everyone looks at It's huge, but it's grown a lot. It's silly.

Are you pregnant?

Go bruid?

Pregnant Santa, Second Amendment Santa, Sully, Gal Santa, Cool Santa, and intellect Santa smile and congratulate each other.

This is so exciting.

They all looked at Dan Santa in disgusted.

Don't you dare have that baby? Dance, Santa? It will unleash hell upon the world.

Oh aren't you noved?

I lost the accent.

No one's ever no one's ever lived at Santa University long enough to have a Santa baby.

Will our baby be a gun?

Well, that's not really what I was saying.

Too late. A song has already begun. It's a duet between Pregnant Santa and Second Amendment Santa, the third punishing ballad of the Cursed Pages. Sully has a verse in the middle about his fear of giving butt birth song Will my baby be a gun.

Well, we got pregnant. There's joking here about safeties and condoms because I'm Second Amendment saying, uh, that's that's what I got. That's that's the intro to the song.

And then am I gonna give birth out of my ass?

You know?

And will the baby be a gun?

YadA YadA, great job, okay. Interior Interior The Asylum. James Camer's mouth is covered in vomit as Jamie looks away in shame. More beautiful than ever, And I should be mentioned.

Is that it I can't bear anymore. I'm afraid not James, Please, No, just to say those.

They say The Inevitable in Unison, a.

Scene where multiple characters from Sandy University give birth in Unison.

Yes, but there's another song, Chris, and it's just awful. Interior The Santa Ward. Months later, there's only ten minutes left to write Santa University, Dan, Santa's in a hospital bed, howling. However you think a person looks about to give birth, I've ever seen it, and I didn't get sex out at school. I sort of saw my friend give birth over FaceTime this year, but I had other tabs open, So it's impossible to.

Like.

Oh my freaking god, I'm in labor.

Shut the hell up, Dan Santa ours whereas I should be. Santa restrains Dan Santa while preparing for the birth, which is maybe the first logical use of as many arms I've come up with in nine years. Second Amendment. Santa and pregnant Santa run into the room.

Pregnant Santa's in labor too.

Pregnant Santa sits on one of the beds, pretty relaxed.

It's not a big deal for me. Bring pregnant is all my character is written to do.

Sully's back was up.

Sully and his fit to burst cheeks enter the first word concerned gallon intellect, doctor, Please, Sully's baby is.

Coming fast, Go Celtic.

How dare you?

Jamie?

Ye okay, you guys, I don't.

Care belief for one second. I'm pregnant and what the freaking hell.

Sully falls to his hands and knees as his left buttche bursts open.

God, Santa, we.

Thought the writer had just forgotten you.

It's true. God Santa has burst out of Sully's butt cheeks and embraces his father from Boston. Sully is emotional.

What's up son?

Wow.

God Santa, still covered in birth, kisses Sally on the lips and run and runs to Dan Santa's side.

Dan Santa, you're pregnant.

I'm immaculately santaception.

God Santa thinks about it than nods.

I wasn't gonna say anything, but that makes more sense.

Ah.

He collapses in sam Adam's pain again as intellect Santa rushes.

To his side.

There's a second baby.

Dean Santa, my father, and the dean of Santa University.

Gal Santa, my daughter and the love interest of Santa University.

Arms are as I should be. Santa shakes his head, enjoyed disbelief.

She did it, That son of a bitch. Jamie Loftus did it writing in both Jack O'Brien characters with just minutes ago, Come here, Gal.

Absolutely not.

It's coming second of him. In Santa rush is to pregnant Santa side.

It's want to be a gun? I know it to please just say it's a gun.

It's it's.

Dan Santa grabs God Santa's arm as he experiences labor pain. Whatever that looks like again, I had other tabs open. Dan Santa enters birth psychosis as he and pregnant Santa give birth in unison. There should be a song here, but there's no time. If something speaks to you, feel free. Second Amendment. Santa holds this baby in confusion.

Was it a gun?

No, it's a book.

He shows pregnant Santa the book, which is the opposite of a gun if you're gender essentialist. Dan Santa gives birth and God Santa cuts the umbilical cord with his teeth.

Oh, I can't look it. It looks like shit. Huh does it look like shit?

Everyone in the room is completely stunned, not even close. This is the most beautiful baby anyone has ever seen.

Good God, she's beautiful.

The baby squirms out of Gothsanta's arms and reaches for the book.

Baby, it couldn't be.

That sexy little baby.

She's gonna do it.

Dan Santa's baby goes to the book and starts to read.

And Gibraltar as a girl, where I was a flower of the mountain. Yes, when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used, or shall I wear a red yes? And how we kissed me under the Moorish wall, And I thought well as well him as another. And then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes. And then he asked me, would I yes, to say yes, my mountain flower. And first I put my arms around him yes, and drew him

Yo be me.

I have to say. I googled beautiful poetry and I did not realize how sexual that bomb. God Dan Santa is in tears, reaching for the baby. God Santa brings it to him and Dan smiles. The baby is born. The baby will heal all. Alternatively, the baby sees Dan Santa and throws up the interior at the asylum. Jamie puts down the last of the cursed pages of Santa University, reflecting on how nine years in the premises are still

I guess it's just another years.

Amazing.

We did it.

All right, Brian the editor here, and if you made it this far, we'd like to extend our sincerest apologies and we'll see if we can do better next year, although I wouldn't count on it. Happy holidays, and we'll be back tomorrow with a brand new special holiday episode, and we'll see you in the new year.