Hello the Internet, and welcome to this very Christmas, very horny episode of its production of by Heart Radio. My name is Jack. That over there is my co host, mister Miles Gray.
Ya about me.
Still a bit under the weather, but here to look. When we're talking about horny Christmas, I'm talking.
About horny Christmas and pulp fiction.
Hit me with that track, hit me with that adrenaline, hit me with that horny Christmas phile.
You were, you were getting rest, you were out for two hours, and then the idea of horny Christmas crossed your mind and you were.
Like you I could feel her put a permanent marker on my chest, right where my heart was, and I went, wait, I already know, don't worry, you don't even have to do it.
I'm up.
She had a knife. You were like, ohh whoa, whoa, whoa, what's that? Who nothing? Nothing. I I was gonna try and wake you up.
I think the horny Christmas episode, you guys are. I think you're recording that right now.
We're thrilled to be joined by two of the producers on this very show. Super producer beg Yo Yo bab yeah yeah yo, yeah yeah yo. What's that Bell, what's up? How are you?
You know?
You know a A.
We're also thrilled to be joined by super producer Victor Right, Victor, Yo.
Is this horning? Is this movie horny? What is this? What is this horning? Is this bottle horning? Okay?
And from h R.
Bottle horny? It's time?
This is a Oh have somebody to pop somebody popped in? Are you somebody popped in? Are you about to pop out?
You're not going to introduce me chang? I guess what I thought. That's why I thought. He showed himself on camera.
He was.
He was like, did you just say you have nothing to add before we start?
I'm just here to be taciturn and deflating and make sure you guys don't get too worked.
Up, all right, in our fifth seat by our taciturn deflating editor of the show producer behind the scenes. He's always here in the background making sure that we don't get too excited.
Yeah, let me see everyone's hands, the editor.
All right, So we do this every year.
We will do this every year until Christmas accepts that it is the horny holiday. We don't need Valentine's Day. Christmas is our horny holiday. We've talked before it is naturally humanities breeding period. Like when you look at when the most birthdays are, they all happen nine months after Christmas. The idea here, presumably was that you wanted to have the kids right after the harvest, back in the day, so you could feed the babies, get fat, get everybody fat,
fed up, and so we have all reason. That's my thinking, that's my kind of what I've always had in the back of my head.
Are you that you remember this is just from your academic rights, the harvest, you know, just yeah, like that that would make sense.
I mean, I think it's twofold, right, everybody's like inside together, you know, at this time, So there's that, and you know you need body warmth to stay warm when it's told out. But then also I think it works out well from when the babies are born because it does come after the harvest, as we all know TDZ does for new listeners. TDZ takes a month and a half off in the summer for the harvest so we can go out more of the field.
That's how we stay connected.
But so that's always been my understanding is like we have this I don't know how much of it is natural, how much of it is cultural. But we have a lot of like these pagan rigs tools that are meant to get like people in this mindset get horned up
for one another and then laid across the top of it. Though, And the reason that this it's not traditionally known as a horny holiday, we have Christianity anti horny like mindset ideology, and so they lay across it a story about like the least horny thing possible child birth or who's the fun I mean, it is scandalous, but yeah, we don't
know who the father is. But also it's like the worst case scenario for having sex is like you have a you're trying to give birth, but like there's no bathroom, there's no go You're like.
Oh god, I gotta going lot for donkeys.
You want to do it in the donkeys? What about you go there and give birth like the least comfortable place. So anyways, and you have your Christian morality across the top of it. So it creates this weird blend of like horniness anti horningis And so I think there's like a underacknowledged horniness which is why movies like Love actually are so popular because they were finally just like horny movie about Christmas, Christmas and horny, and people are like,
I love it even though it's bad. It's just my take on love actually.
But isn't I mean?
Because there's also that like there was a pagan festival right that the Christians were like, yo, we need to fucking we need to co opt this. Yeah, but that festival was like debauched from what I understand, I believe like it was about the pagan deity soul Invictus, and people were getting naked and all fucked up and shit because of that.
And then I think they're like, hey, man, you mind toning it down?
So I wonder if those origins they cannot be subdued even by the Bible thumping in our faces and that what I mean.
Well, the number one thing that is going to lead to, you know, people having sex with one another is is like parties and getting drunk and like that. Christmas is the time, like it is the time that the most alcohol is consumed year round. So I think that's a big contributor to why the number one time for birthdays is still nine months after Christmas.
It's that August to October run.
It's yeah, yeah, but like specifically like it you really see it take off like straight up nine months after, like Christmas to New Year's like people, Hey, you know, fucking.
Here's a Christmas story for the listeners. I was conceived after a Christmas.
I know, man, this is your show.
Maybe this is.
Why it resonates with me so much. And to that end, I wonder if that's when Prince.
Harry was too. I'll have to bring that up. I'm gonna when I meet him, I'm gonna say, dude, when were you conceived?
Yeah, I'm conceived after Christmas and we get the exact same birthday due that's kind of weird.
Wh why are you pulling me away?
But so we've talked about like there's plenty of like weird horny songs, plenty of weird horny movies in the past, like love Actually.
They get away with a lot, though you know songs get away with a lot.
Consent does not.
Exist in these like crooner songs and have from like come on baby, your husband's gone, let's hang out in my chevron drink baby.
Yeah.
Right, So we're gonna cover just more of the same some of the kind of weird horniness that people would like to pretend it is not there, but it's always there. It's not going anywhere, baby, And I think we want to talk a lot about Tim Allen today.
For some reason, enemy number one public.
Enemy number one of the Horny Christmas movie. Oh yeah, of course now sequests the Ultimate Christmas Movie. He's been in a couple kind of iconic Christmas movies, despite the fact that I don't think of him as like an iconic film actor. But I recently we accidentally watched the
first like fifteen minutes of Christmas with the Cranks. Iconically I have been talked about this, uh and iconically I recently watched the first fifteen minutes of Christmas with the Cranks because it was like alphabetically right after a Christmas Story on Amazon Prime, I guess, and so it just like ran right into that. And that is a movie that plays at uh, you know, Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis and they just keep being like, you know, ready to jump all over each other.
And really, yeah, she's like hot in it, you know.
Yeah, that's she's like hot in everything.
Yeah, okay, but like everything every they.
Dowdy her up at the beginning of it, and then.
Uh, Catherine O'Hara too is surviving Christmas right to the point where, like when you watch a movie like that, you get suspicious. You're like, they're gonna make her hot like now with their hair looking like that, Like that's I know there's gonna be by the end of the second act, we're gonna have some kind of glow up and sure enough, also very horny movie.
I'll get to that at some point.
But anyways, Christmas the Cranks. I stopped watching because I was sitting with my kids and there's a part where she's like, all right, we're going on this cruise together and jumps on him and they're like, what's happening. I said, not on my watch, Tim Allen, you won't.
Let's put on a safer Tim Allen movie. The Santa Clause.
The Santa Clause, and thus enters producer Victor Wright, who is a clause head.
Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got sucked up this weekend and dove deep into the Santa Claus lore. You had to get brave, Yeah yeah, I mean the first movie I wrote it as a horror, like a body horror film and rewatching it. It is like he's trying to shave the Santa Claus beard off of him and then it just grows back.
He can't lose weight.
It's like he's just succumbing to this illness of becoming Santa Claus. If Sounenberg this he did, he could do this exact same plot just in a Cronenberg movie.
You know.
So the idea is because I've never seen the Santa Claus. You have like edited articles about the Santa Claus too busy editing articles and talking on podcasts about the Santa Claus to actually watch it. But the premise is that he kills Santa Claus, and when you kill Santa Claus, you become Santa Clauses.
Keep Yeah, he put the coat on.
Yeah, oh so the coat is the thing.
But then was it predestined? Because his name is Scott Calvin sc Santa Claus.
God.
I love initials, don't they? And his initials are JC. And that's gonna be subtle. Most people won't get it at first, but in a hundred years, No, they're studying this text.
Now we're gonna do riffing on Jesus movies because you bet that's a movie. Were's almost on the JC jacket Body or movie.
Anyway, that's up for grabs, Disney.
So body horror he get, he gets roly poly? Is where where does the horningess man?
There's some stray horning?
Yeah, yeah, big old dick or what do you mean easy? I don't know.
This ship?
Okay, I'm sorry. Have you seen the movie? Have you seen the movie Big, which is a kid's movie about a body horror thing. And he takes a long beat to like look down at his dick and be.
Like, wow, this was the full seven years of evolution passed Big those nineteen eighty eight, This was nineteen ninety five.
I think he says the line in the movie he looks down and he goes, wow, Tom Hanks has a big dick, the actor, The actor Tom Hanks has a big dick, all right, So nothing to do with that. But what what just like ambient horning us?
Well, it begins with an office Christmas party and someone makes an announcement, Hey, shout out to this executive. We won't tell his wife what he's doing right now. And he's like making out with an assistant or something, just
like on his lap yeah. And then later on, once Tim Allen like goes to the North Pole, he meets Judy the Elf, who's played by a nine year old girl, and they have this really strange exchange where he Tim Allen says, you know, I must say that you look pretty good for your age, and she said she's twelve hundred years old and she responds with thanks, but I'm seeing someone in wrapping. Just a very strange thing for some of the forties. Yeah, it's a weird.
Yeah, visually weird because you're like, I get the bit is like, wow, you're twelve hundred and you look nine right right. The other part it's like, well, how did she take? Okay, well, anyway, I don't know, you're giving off Scott Calvin.
But yeah, and saying you look pretty good for like yeah, I don't like it's Scott yeah, Klaus, Yeah, I mean there is that what's the let the right one in?
Is that what it's called that like the vampire Scandinavian vampire movie that has like a weird the little girl is a vampire, but there is like a weird tension there and uh yeah, it plays with the creepiness of you know what what should have also been acknowledged in Twilight, which is that that guy is in his thousands, he was around like in the Civil War and is hanging out at ice school.
I know.
I actually rewatched it and that that occurred to me, and I'm like, holy shit, like he just in a classroom, was like I'm I'm into this girl and she's like.
Whying you hear specific It's just.
Like, yeah, like fantasy writing for people with really questionable desires. I mean, in the context of being a vampire.
You're meant to think about it too deeply.
Yeah, I was thinking about Scandinavian horror films while I was watching the Santa Clauses.
By the way, so thank you.
For being famous Scandinavian horror franchise, Santa Claus.
I was gonna say, the real horning has comes in Santa Claus too, where for some fucking reason, he needs a missus clause or else he'll like cease to be Santa Claus. Uh, and that I just wrote that.
Game of Thrones ship and it's weird, like you must give me a male heir.
What happened to the other missus clause? Because he killed Santa in the first movie. Does she just disappear. What happened to her? This is never explained in the movie. And then he goes back.
We know that missus clause was still around. Maybe the previous Santa.
They don't even bring up a missus just don't bring it up.
It's yeah, mentioned, but you need a missus claw, you need a missus clause, so he must have. I was gonna say, maybe the previous Sanda didn't have a missus clause, but you need one. It's in the bylaws, in the clauses.
It's brought up very briefly in the show miss clause.
Yeah, technically no, the missus clause.
No.
No.
In the movie, Bernard the Elf is like, but there's one more thing, the missus clause.
It's like, what the hell is that? Because he's been doing it.
For like a bunch of years since the first movie anyway. So yeah, he's got to find him a wife.
Within one month. He has like twenty eight days to find a wife. He goes on one date with Molly Shannon and she's like full on Christmas fetish, like has a buff Santa sweater, has like a risk like a bracelet that's just decked out with Santa she like sings to him and he's embarrassed so he walks away or some shit like that.
And I guess does she sing Santa Baby? She's I.
I think it was a knockoff because they probably couldn't get the real the right.
Baby Disney is famously very stinchy.
They're like, I don't know, man, can we afford their licensing for this Earth of Kids?
So for one week tam Allan just love bombs his son's principal and he uses all of his magic to give her exactly what she wants for Christmas, makes a sleigh ride with snow has a missiletoe like pop up when they were already about to kiss. You could have saved your magic for something else. And then when he says, oh, I'm Santa Claus, she's like okay. And then he says, I need you to marry me right now, or else no child will get Christmas presents ever again, and you'll
destroy Christmas. So she marries him and then lives with him in isolation for the rest of her life.
Very bizarre to dress.
The proposal does come under duress, like where it's like and Christmas hinges on.
You agree with me now, yes, yeah, exactly.
Usually they will have something in the clause that's like only loves true kiss or true love's kiss. Nah, make this here. They're just like, we just need to technically get you married, my man. It's like a green card situation.
Yeah.
The subheading section one just says needs to be a female.
Yeah, we are not cool with that other that's it.
That's just about like this as specific as it gets, which is very weird. It's like, just get married please, There's there's no missus clause then fuck yeah, I mean Santa Claus, that's uh. It's gotta be a hard life. And honestly, I don't know. I don't know if if I was in that position, I wouldn't.
Want to fucking marry Santa. Like I have to live there, get the fuck out of here.
Yeah, I would be so in just getting to live in the North Pole.
And you don't ever see your kids again.
Oh yeah, but like I get to come by every once in a while and be like hey once a year.
Yeah.
Yeah, do you have to get down with Sanna though, Like I don't know about that, you.
Know, Yeah, I mean, well, we're gonna get into why I'm okay with that clause, that part of the clause, and.
Then I just threw on some stray horniness. H Tim Allen's gonna go on a date, and Judge Reynold is like, fuck, dude, you look so hot right now? You look hot, and he's trying to like give him confidence. But I've never said that to a friend before they go to a date. I'm just like, oh, you look good. I'm excited for you, right yeah. But he's like, I've been fishing. I have been fishing. Yeah, Like Victor, what do you think about to go out on date night with the misses?
Yeah?
Yeah, you look fine. Cool? Do you have a good time?
Look cool, dude?
Yeah, that's cool. That wu Tang hockey jerseys all fish net.
Yeah, uh huh.
And then of course the B plot is that Santa makes a clone of himself that's like a ken doll who turns into an evil Mussolini like character. And uh, when he's introduced, he's completely naked and you see like his ass and everything. So not as horny as you would expect, but still more than you would hope, because he went into the cloning device fully clothed.
And that's the same and he's like big, right, he's big, like.
Sam, Yeah, he's the same size.
But then Kendall version is built like a Ken doll or built.
Like built like there's no anatomically incorrect.
Okay, I gotta go. Yeah, all right, damn, and now I'll never have to see the Santa Claus. And that's the service that we provide here on the Daily Zeitgeist.
I watch it every year, and these movies get worse every single time.
It is crazy. That is a thing that happens with so many.
Of these movies. Yeah, scaryly.
Oh, if you want some good body horror, check it out.
Yeah, that elf thing like creep me out. I don't even know if I want to watch it anymore, but I'm like.
Curious, look pretty good, pretty You're definitely not missing out.
Make her in her twenties if you're gonna make that joke.
Ye like a normal nineties movie, like a normal twenty year age difference, right, but a nine year.
Old is so like even in the nineties, they should have been like well, yeah, anyways, let's uh, let's take a quick break. We'll come back. We'll talk about other secretly conflictedly horny bit of Christmas culture, We'll be right back, and we're back.
We're back.
So this creates like a weird dissonance, right where like you have some things that are just like the media not being able to like get their mind around the fact that Christmas is horny and so they like write these bullshit articles about how like there are your head around this fact? Right, Well, there's this one article the Daily Mail, the superducer Victor found that is just I found found it.
Actually I found it and sent it to Miles.
So what you said just with you, actually I incepted.
You always against me.
You're always against me, and you're taking advantage of me and my incapacitated flew like steak.
Steak, state steak. Hey, we're just gonna go with steak. So the headline is, are you obsessed with Christmas jumpers? You might have a sexual fetish for wool, scientists says, And then it's just all about how like some people are into like seeing people wearing wool, and sometimes people are into wearing wool and like it makes them not unhorny, Like it's it's the whole thing is just like really, uh, I don't know, it's.
It's reckless it's starting off, are you. Like they start off the headline like, hey you fuck with Christmas sweaters? You're like, yeah, maybe it's like.
You might be a wool freak.
What And they have all these pictures of people in like sweaters while like you know, scantily clad otherwise, and just like yeah, yeah the photos. The sound the photos make.
Is yeah, they definitely harmony.
Yeah, yeah, I mean, and then it goes on to just merely describe like one guy like who is an expert in behavioral addiction at a university in the UK, just saying like.
There are some people called woolies.
But then he also admits it's like there's not any research on this, so I don't know what's going on there.
I mean, I know a couple of people.
I was on a Discovery Channel show and I interviewed a guy in America who loved sweaters. So it never circles back to Christmas in any way. So I'm like, wow, I think in a way, Jack, they are acknowledging that Christmas is horny, and they're merely baiting readers in with this, like.
Just trying to force it salacious headlines.
Daily Mail article, Yeah, yeah, for sure, what is there individuals who derive sexual pleasure and arousal from wearing wool, typically in the form of full body wool suits.
Next paragraph. Given that there is absolutely no scientific research on wooies, to either that the fetish does not really exist or that it is relatively newly realized fetish, I.
Mean the fact that there's a name for it means that it does exist, right.
Right, you just made it up. It exists now, man, woolies, woolies.
I think that the guy's not willing to be fully immoral and be like, yeah, it exists, it's a thing. There's research, And he's like, well, there's no research, so it might not even be a thing anyway.
We're like, at least it's just transparent. Wait, ignowledge that there's no research, is it?
Like do they want to fuck the sweater or do they want to fuck the person in the sweater?
No?
It's like and one was like it was a it was it was describing a myriad of ways people were aroused by the look of it. The one guy was about seeing people in sweaters. Another person was about like wearing all wool on their body and getting aroused like that, and like those are like the two sort of examples they gave, and then they're like and they're actually, they don't celebrate Christmas. We asked them, they're just this year round, this year round.
On the other hand, we did want to. So there's obviously that scene in Bad Santa where from Yeah, from Gilmour Girls is like, I have a big Santa fetish cut too. The car is a rockin' between Bad Santa
and Gilmore Girl. So it would make sense that Santa fetishes are a thing because I don't know, like if Christmas horniness is real, and like, I feel like that what we know about fetishes is it's like a lot of shit that's like imprinted on people when they're young, you know, and a lot of people have experiences with Santa when they're young, Like it's a it is a huge figure in childhood.
I think there's there's a there's an article on the American Board of Sexology that gets right to the part they're like, why the fuck do people want to bang Santa so bad?
And uh, this is what they say. Many argue that.
This is a quote from the American Board of Sexology dot org. Now take I don't know what that is. It could just be a group of dudes who hang out at a McDonald's every Friday and write their ideas down.
But this is what the article says. Quote.
Many argue that Santa is the ultimate daddy. He's he's a kind yet firm, soft yet strong capable older man who's always watching us, asking us exactly what we want, and ready to give us just what we need, or to punish us when the time is right.
And I'm like, hmm, that's a really horny way to look at it.
Yeah, you know, like they seem horny as they're writing this description. Yeah, yeah, yeah, which I appreciate.
There was an article on Santa porn.
A psychologist Justin Leiy Miller wrote it said, quote, when you think about it that way, Santa is tailor made for role playing in BDSM scenes, which is why he's typically a domb and porn. All those scenes that invert his obvious role as the ever watching daddy and see him punished are not unknown. So I mean, I think that I think that that gives us a good idea that you know, Santa is he brings something out of us.
Other people say, however, that it's the Santa is a warm, safe figure, and some people latch onto and sexualize the security that he represents. This is all you know, I still either way presents or not. I think he's you know, he's cute.
Yeah, he's definitely cute, and like he's also I think it's the same thing that we see with like all the deviant art, like main figures. You know, like all the characters that were iconic to you when you were a kid, You're going to see a lot of them doing unspeakable shit on the internet now.
Also, we have other interpretations of Santa. It used to just be like the jolly old guy, but even in the article, it's like David Harbor's gritty take on Santa, or like guys dressed up in like sexy Santa attire. So when you sex it up, obviously it's gonna turn sexy, right.
I think this this probably it could be a very American thing, but I feel like just generally an American society culture, we just feel so unprotected and so vulnerable to larger forces that someone let like the sheer fact that Santa is a protector sends the horniness up. Because we do this all the fucking time. People wanted to fuck Cuomo when he was the governor. Remember there were the Cuomo sexuals during COVID, because they're like, he's giving
us an idea. Everyone wanted to bang doctor Fauci, everyone wanted to like had a thing for.
Like Robert Muller early on.
There's just all these like weird figures that potentially stand to, you know, portray some like protector kind of thing. Feels again, this feels like Santa can also fit into that group of just kind of like, yeah, and he's a.
Good guy and he's judged jury, and yeah, I.
Don't know, we're broken.
I think, Bay, what do you what's your your Your face looks like you can't.
I can't really can't.
With the the Andrew Cuomo and and Fauci, like.
They look like their bread spells.
You know, it didn't matter because at the time COVID was fucking everything up, and these people sort of stood as people who were almost like we're going to get through it. We can figure this out. And you're like, yeah, your breath might stink, but let's let's fog up this Chevy nova together.
And it's also a time of the year when a lot of people are experiencing economic insecurity, and so like he stands outside the system. He's the one figure who's like not controlled by the market, you know.
Yeah, is just like.
He's very red, you know, and meant more ways than one. So I feel like that might be attractive to people.
Yeah, it's I like it.
This whole article is really thorough because they're like, it could be this. Maybe you're in the BDSM. Maybe you just latch onto people that are protect that protect you. Maybe it's just that people get off on quote transgressing the wholesome and religious nature of Christmas as personified in Santa Claus, which we see like how the transgression with IP characters sort of manifests in different ways too, So
like there's definitely that. And then they go on to say the diversity of ideas about why people might develop a fetish for Santa probably isn't a sign of ill informed sexpert failing. Instead, it's a sign of just how many elements of Saint Nick people could potentially latch onto. In fact, Santa's clear latent sex appeal lead at least three writers to declare him an unsung sex symbol in twenty twenty, independent of any dedicated fetish built around the man.
Yeah, huh.
He's also so he's like kind of a sugar daddy. He uh is the only adult who gets away with saying naughty in like a non sexual way, you know, like the only other times naughty is used as like uh or if.
You're like, if you're like use it like in like British English. Yeah.
They they'll say that's the only time I hear it, and I go e.
Well, go back to England.
Freak.
Oh my gosh, that kick was not naughty. What are you saying, dude?
Yeah, there's also a Santa's Secret, a variety show to put you on the naughty list. That uh is mostly just a like burlesque show type, you know in La Cio, probably.
Like Christmas party should have been.
I didn't fuck up?
And wait it's at the Beverly Center.
Is it really yo?
This? Oh wow? Wait? What is this map?
Oh?
Okay, never mind. There was like an icon on the map.
It was either a penis or the back of a curvy woman with a Santa hat on.
Yeah it's uh.
I'm sorry that just just so everyone doesn't think I've absolutely lost my mind.
It's a pin what is it? It's like a pin.
It's a pushpin. I thought that was a thong and those were yeats.
That's why I look so close into the camera.
I just moved the whole point of this fucking episode. I looked at that ship. I said, that's a penis with a Santa hat on it.
It's like, wow, when Miles is hungry, everyone turns into stakes.
It's a literal fucking pushpin.
Oh ship with a Sanda had on it.
Wow, all right, Miles is looking at us with big like big hams right now. That does feel like something they would actually, the sexologists over at sexology dot Org would be like, Okay, what do you say.
I'm looking at it again, plastic pushpin like anyone who put on a bulletin board.
So let me make sure you guys see this so you know that I'm not weird.
Yeah, obvious, Victor, that's a push pin.
Du We did check out a list of holiday like horniest Christmas movies, Ghosts of Girlfriends past I believe was on there, Reindeer games, bad Santa f Christmases to Nicole Kidman joints, you got eyes wide shut and then baby girl, which is.
Shut is said show bummer. I don't know. I don't.
I mean I get that there's like snow happening around this time.
A lot of Christmas. Well they go to a Christmas party.
Yeah, right, right, right, right right, it is I mean they need.
I think the Kubrick was, you know, he's mining a lot of stuff that's happening. He's and he made it a Christmas movie. His like sex movie is a Christmas movie. So I'm just saying we're we're onto something here. It ends with them like at a toy store shopping for toys for Christmas.
If just them going to a party, if that's not enough, is Diehard not a Christmas movie. It's like in that same vein where Christmas is happening in the background and people just put it on, right yeah, yeah, yeah, that's enough.
Like as long as you're seeing Santa hats usually yeah, that that is it. I guess that's why it's funny because over the weekend a friend of mine was saying that, like his partner, she was like, hey, let's watch Eyes Wide Shut, And he was like, I don't know, like that doesn't really feel like the kind of Christmas movie we should watch.
They put it on.
She fell asleep fucking five minutes into it, and like came to like an hour and a half in and he was just sitting there like ashen face, Like he's like, do we have to keep watching this?
The beginning is so slow and boring that.
You're out or you're in for the whole thing, Like, yeah, I've done that, so hard to stay away too, Yeah, because Nicole Kidman's performance is like she's on queludes at that party in the beginning.
They're so weird.
They're both it just makes you want to go to sleep.
Well, they're both playing stoned people, and they were both two people who I would venture to guess have never smoked a pot in their lives. Yeah, at least at that point in their lives.
Yeah.
I think the end scene they're like an Fao Schwartz or like yeah, KB toys right right, and uh, Nicole Kidman utters her famous, famous famous line there.
I should have kept my eyes wide shut. Yeah, yeah, it wasn't the titular line.
There's a lot of good theories on that movie, like weird, like there's creepy people who keep showing up in the back ground of the of the movie and they're they're like all showing up in the background at Fao Schwartz and so it's like that he's about to be taken out. Basically is one of the theories that it's kind of a a Sopranos ending, Oh wow, I a great movie. Yeah, the movie's grown on me.
I have to say that if anyone at this point hasn't watched it yet, Surviving Christmas is something you should watch.
Anyone there who hasn't watched it.
Yeah, there's horniness, and there's like there's some it's bizarre.
It is weird.
How like these sort of the horniness does seep into a Christmas film when it's absolutely unnecessary. Long story short, there's a part where like a guy basically sees that his mom is doing porn on the internet and it has nothing to do with anything really, or it does, but it's very confusing, and I just found myself saying this did not feel very jolly, But again, I guess it is it is. It is jolly.
What's a rate is it? What's the rate? Is it PG or that are it's.
I mean, it's probably the thing that should have been our but back in the day it was just PG thirteen.
Sure, Yeah, I know.
If he's acting because he's only fourteen years old.
Yeah, yeah, I'll buy you a ticket though, man.
Thanks.
Uh. It is interesting, like even children's Christmas movies tend to there's just like a dash. It's just like an acknowledgment of you know, like a Christmas story, which I just watched for the second time in my life, this time as an adult. I just don't fuck with that movie necessarily.
But to me, the only thing that I remember was that leg lamp. The leg lamp is but that's horny, right, That's what I mean. I was like, the thing I remember is that weird ass lacy leg lamp.
Yeah, his dad gets a leg lamp that's like a I don't know, a leg with stockings and a very like horny thing in the middle of this movie that otherwise is just like told from the perspective of like a seven year old. There's just yeah, everybody who makes christ movies are like, well, we got to admit that this is pretty pretty horny.
There's something debauched. Yeah, again, it's it has to go. I think it must be. It's got it.
I don't know that that's the hard part. It's the chicken or the egg. You know what I mean? Is it Santa that made everyone horny?
Is that because before this was just like something that humans were doing.
It's an ancient longing Miles that is passed down to us.
I need I need real.
I mean, obviously, aside from our very thorough academic research here, we need to be seconded by some other paper that that definitively gets to it.
Yeah, or is it a mix of both?
Just make a west Side.
Bridget Jones who wants to speak sexology.
That Miles is horny Christmas website doctors.
Just put doctor in quotation marks and you're fine.
Yeah, ship Bridget Jones is a classic movie that I have not seen? Is that a fairly horny film? Is it a Christmas I haven't.
Seen that shit a long time. It's a Christmas movie, but I haven't.
I don't know. What do you guys think?
Is it?
I think it. I think it's kind of horny.
No, yeah, probably, I mean, isn't it's a lot about it, like her crushes and shit, isn't it?
Yeah?
Like it's not.
Yeah, yeah, I mean there's it's.
It's just at it's because like in this scene where she's in the office, and they're like emailing each other, Like she's like emailing her boss, like oh, he's like, I like your skirt, you know.
And she's a Christmas skirt.
It's not I don't think.
I think.
I think it's like a brown skirt or something. It's like a leaning skirt.
But he's like sexually harassing her and it's totally not okay.
But I guess, you know, it's okay.
There's a pre nine eleven world. There's a pre nine eleven world. We've got to give him a pass. Came out April thirteenth, two thousand and one. You know, they know not what they do. Yeah, although they probably did.
It's okay because it's Hugh Grant, you know, Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Is there is there a Christmas movie that you can't make horny at all? I feel like Home Alone might be it. Like there's nothing really warning about Home Alone.
Right, Well, it gets problematic when there's a lot of kids, kids acting in it, I think right for instance.
The Polar Express, the train it's a train.
Going into a tunnel.
Yeah, uh huh, a famous erotic bit of imagery. But Home Alone, I just can't Yeah, I don't see it.
Home Alone two has one scene where Kevin needs to like run away from the Sticky Bandits, so he pinches a woman's butt and then she thinks it's like a marve or something, right, like does the ship out of him?
Is it the sticky bandit or the wet bandits? The sticky Bandits. In the second one, they've got a new gimmick. Yeah, herod some.
Other hands and they go to Salvation army buckets.
Really you know what stuff? Guess what, guys home Alone one also has a horny moment where he one of the very first things he does when he is alone is he looked at some dirty magazines and I was like, why is nobody wearing clothes? And like throws it over his head.
So I was looking for fashion.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. Uh so there's an acknowledgment that buzz is jacking off.
Okay, everyone go around and say your favorite horny Christmas movie?
Now, oh boy, favorite horning Christmas movie.
I'm just gonna say it. Mine's Bad Santa. That shit is problematic. That's my problematic faith Bad Santa.
Maybe Batman Forever? Oh yeah, fir sorry, Batman returns. Yeah that's the one.
Yeah, yeah, that Michelle Fife life.
Mine's gotta be Yeah, Mine's got to be live action crnch. The key Party is not subtle. Oh yeah, I didn't know what that was when I was five.
Yeah.
Do you like that movie or you just I don't. But it's your horniest Christmas.
It's my horneys Christmas.
But yeah, you watch it every year on ABC Family because that was like the one movie they had licensing for and it just grew on me, you know.
Yeah, yeah, Ba Bat Sanna is pretty Yeah.
I watched it recently and it's just like.
Wow, it's it's fucking crazy, so good.
Like it's so the humor it's just on a gremlin level, you know. I just it's the jokes are just so so Yeah, it's so grimy and crass in a way. It's like it's like me and my friends like joking, joking around, and the writers just get it.
I don't know when you'll see a like another like a Christmas movie written like that, because it's just like it's basically like this guy is the biggest piece of shit ever. And I think there's something about that that I find enjoyable during the holidays because you can juxtapose your own life with that and go, wow, this guy's not it's very non.
PC and I like that.
And if you've ever worked retail during the holidays, it's like the perfect movie to like, Oh, I'm not the only one, you know, I get it, Brian, what about you?
I'm I am a big fan of Iyse why shut Uh just enjoying that movie since it came out. Oh oh here's my here's my actual answer, Black Christmas. It's the horror movie, uh, the original ones like came out in the seventies. It's as horny, it's funny. Uh, has a bit of political commentary in it. And yeah that that that would be my pick.
With a deep cut Canadian movie.
Okay, that's a classic like that one.
This poster is wild.
I know it's a great movie.
Yeah wow, Yeah, it's very enjoyable anytime of year, but especially during Christmas. It's just like it's like a wild like proto slasher film.
Wow, Margot kidders in it. Okay, dude, this poster is.
Yeahspel super cool, shouts the poster, because that's posts given Orne.
Yeah, it's I do have to say, like, well, Batman Returns might be my favorite horny Christmas movie. It's not my favorite horny piece of Christmas culture. That would have to be. As superroducer Victor pointed out, the Folger's Incest commercial is a piece of Christmas horniness like that, he
does everybody know the Folger's Incest commercial? Yeah, where the brother comes home and it's just like they are on the verge of jumping all over each other from the moment she opens the door and it's supposed to be a brother and sister. She like puts the bow on him. She's like, you're my presence this year?
What is the is there like a turn in it? Like when do you when do you know their siblings? Okay, so here's the guy coming home.
So it comes to the door.
Oh right there, so off rip.
Yeah, she goes.
Sister a long way from West Africa.
Stepsister. Yeah, sorry, I'm stuck in the cupboard getting the gear. He just come help me.
Oh my gosh, I think it's in the dryer. Wow, look at that West Paper.
Look at that look and then this part here, watch watch what happens with their eyes here?
What do they still looked down and up?
Yeah? They look down. He's like the parents come in and they it's like, why are you guys a jumpy? Yeah?
Yo?
What the fuck?
Also, what an asshole?
He comes back from West Africa and then he goes like, ah, folgers real coffee.
Yeah yeah, not like the bullshit they have over in West Africa. Coffee beans are source.
Coffee.
It's gross.
I can't even take it.
I need real Arabica.
Yeah, what the frig?
Anyway?
Sis, can I give you my theory on this commercial?
Yeah?
My guess is like everyone in the test screening thought they were boyfriend and girlfriend or like husband and wife, and the writer is like, no, no, no, they're brother and sister. So that's why they added, oh I'm your sister, I'm your brother.
Freak.
Could you imagine you look back? Their hair is like six inches longer from that shot. Then the other party like this a reshoot.
Well it is weird. Yeah. The opening he's like, oh, sorry, I must have the wrong house, and she's like, your sister, Yeah, I'm your sister. Is such a weird thing.
Yeah, dag, Merry Christmas to me. Can we cut that part out? We cut that part out, We'll cut that part out. What other notes y'all got?
Cut the part where he says, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The origin of yat is the fucking uncensored the redmand commercial for folders.
Yeah all right, Uh well, what a sick episode of our show that we've done. Uh for Miles, it's appropriate enough that you came back for this one to look.
I'm I'm I'm barely hanging on, as as demonstrated by my complete hallucination over a ordinary pushpin.
And I was like, Joe, that pushpin.
Think what.
Look at this pushpin?
What?
Yoh? Why did I yo?
That was so fucking oh my god, whatever, I'm sick. Help me. It's the pseudo veteran. It's fucking me up. I think.
All right, that's gonna do it for this episode. Yeah, this drop on Friday. We'll be back on Monday with the Gift Guide, and then day after for Sandy University. Do not miss a new installment of Sandy University.
Don't don't do it, you'll.
Drop our downloads for the year. PLEASEA Universities well to.
Be dropping our top ten at episodes based on listens and votes from you guys over the next ten days, so tune in to those as well, and we hope you guys are having a great holiday. Thank you for listening, and we'll be back. We'll talk to y'all soon.
Bye by bye bye bye bye y