You're listening to Comedy Central.
Show you know much not in the sport.
We have put together a program for this very evening. I know what you're thinking that you're thinking, like, hey, man, what the hell have you been? But you get ten days off for Thanksgiving? What are you a student at a boarding school?
Yes, we do get the ten days for Thanksgiving, and no student at a boarding school, although I do sleep in a bunk bed and.
I am on a field hockey team. It was a very fun week off, though I spent out like I was do. I track down the Turkey President Obama pardoned and I.
Brought him to Johnston.
Just because.
I brought him to justice, it's because his powerful friends in Washington pardoned him. Doesn't mean he won't be held accountable for his crimes.
Turkey.
You were on the back of the office all feeling pretty relaxed. You know, nothing's really more relaxing than eating a long and drawn out meal with your extended.
Family, people you spend all year avoiding. Now they're.
In your house, hovering in the kitchen, opening drawers, pitching you ideas.
For your show.
Jonathan, I resent the bakery, and.
The man in front of me said Who's next?
And I said, take a number.
You'll find out.
You should use.
That in what are your skits? It's like good Seinfeld.
But so it's a little stress.
That's why I like.
I like Black Friday. I like people don't like Black Friday the day after Thanksgiving. I don't like it for the shopping. I like to do it because it's a great opportunity to take out the suppressed rage that my relatives helped generate and sign me, and then unleash that on complete strangers had a best buy, you know what I mean, so they know, like I didn't pin the guy from the geek squad against the wall by his neck because I really cared they were out of fifty
inch plasma TVs. I pinned him there because for some reason, my family thought my brother in law's cousin should carve the turkey that I spent all day cooking because he's been struggling. You know what, let me just say this, you cook it, you carve it, Jeff.
That's just the way it is. Now.
All I need is to get a relative name Jeff, and that next Thursday, obviously there is a time to gather with family to commemorate the feast that Native Americans prepared for a struggling pilgrim settlement today that we refer to as Thanksgiving, and the Native Americans referred to.
As an enormous mistake. But eat quickly, for you'll need your strength.
Almost all the big stores are opening earlier than ever on the holiday.
Tamart will be among the first to open at six am.
Walmart, Target, Toys, r Us, J C.
Penny, Best Buy, Big Lots.
Cole's, Sears, Old Navy.
They're all going to be open on Thanksgiving.
Every store in the vinegar World open, dil Do Depot open, tooth In open, just Gerbils open, The Bear Workshop open open. So if you're thinking, well, I guess I have to shop all day, but surely once the store is closed, I can go home and get a solid fifteen minutes at Thanksgiving in.
Kmart's opening for forty one hours straight from six am Thanksgiving morning until eleven pm on Black Friday.
Do you have any idea what this means?
If someone tramples you for a furby Thursday morning, they don't find your body till Friday night. All right, So maybe Thanksgiving has become a pregame for Black Friday, but at least they cannot take away a turkey.
Butterball, which produces about twenty percent of all US turkeys, says there will be a shortage of fresh turkeys that are sixteen pounds or larger.
Are you kidding me? My turkey is not at least sixteen pounds? Then why am I having? I might as well eat a hummingbird.
Stuffed with a single crew taw, maybe maybe a sousson of crazin. Why are you doing this to us turkeys?
Butterball says this year their turkeys had to decline in weight gain, which is limiting supplies of fresh turkeys.
They're not saying why the birds are actually smaller this year.
Hello, perhaps we should go right to the source to find out what's going on with the turkeys. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the show. Turkey number thirty seven seven forty inspected by number five.
Welcome to the show.
Hey, everybody you doing, How you doing?
How you doing? John? Nice to see it, Thank you, very Thank you very much, John. How you doing? Nice to see what's going on?
Uh? So, uh turkey, let me let me uh.
Let me ask you a question? Why what is going on.
What is it?
What is the weight loss? Is it uh a political protest? Is is it? Bird flu? Why? Why does it got me some negative mus do it? Why? You know you're trying to get healthy? You start living your best self. Everybody applauds turkeys? Do it? Suddenly? What a bad guy? You?
You all take a sleep?
Oh so I didn't realize that you're just trying to slim down.
You're trying to look better.
Yeah, yeah, you know, cut down on the sweets, the antibiotics, you know.
I guess it doesn't help that. I don't know.
I'm stacking in a cage with a thousand other turkeys, and we live in our own I don't know. By the way, if I may ask a question, where are you right now? Where do you think I am? I'm at my lawyer's office.
For for what? What do you need a lawyer for?
Why?
The look at me? Does this look normally?
You?
Look at me? Look at me? Look at me. I don't have a head.
What a sew all?
You pricks all of youse?
So cold?
Where are my feathers?
Where have my feathers? Do I still have my beautiful feathers? You do not? There? They're gone. Suing you pricks is too good for you. Wait on a second, Where are you going, sir? Where are you going? Where?
Get back here? Where are you going? What's going on? What's going on? Come here you, I'll calm you. You'll prick. I'll show you what it's like to be calm you. Where where are you? Point me in the right direction. I will cut you. Light up, bitch, Come on, son of a bitch?
Where are you?
All right?
Thank you very much, We'll be right back.
That's Welcome back to the Daily Show.
Next Thursday Nights, America celebrates the holiday that defines it as a nation, Black Friday. But where did Black Friday come from?
Well?
To find out, we turned to Daisi Lightek and another episode of why do we celebrate this?
Hey, get back, this one's mine. You are ready to die for this blatscreen because I am Hello, my shopaholics, maxinistas, maul rats, coupon clippers, bargain bitches, capitalism warriors, and sales slugs. It's the holidays and that means one thing. Family. No, I'm kidding, that means shopping family.
What the fuck?
Like many of you, I too will be going out on Black Friday, one of America's most treasured excuses to buy shit, and Black Friday seems like something that's been around forever. I mean, I can't remember a time when Black Friday didn't exist. Then again, my memory is a little fuzzy from all the head trauma from previous Black Fridays.
The history of Black Friday is actually quite interesting. It started in the nineteen twenties when retail stores wanted to set a clear beginning to the Christmas shopping season, so department stores like Macy's created grand parades to signal to Americans it's time to start spending cash. Although back then parade balloons weren't as cute as the ones today. You know, classics like Puff the meth Field Dragon, Whimsical Drifter, Murderer, and Thick Daddy Superman. Maybe they were hoping to scare
people to run inside the stores. I don't know. The point is retailers depended on a big Christmas shopping season, and we're willing to do whatever it took to make it as long as possible. In fact, during the Great Depression, they even lobbied President Franklin Roosevelt to move Thanksgiving a week earlier to allow for more Christmas shopping, and after his cousin finished giving him a hand job, fdr agreed.
Eventually they moved Thanksgiving back, but the retailers got what they wanted, because over the next few decades, more and more people began their Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving. But the first time the day was called Black Friday was in the nineteen sixties. It was actually coined by the Philadelphia Police Department because the day brought tons of traffic and chaos, and for shopping to cause chaos and Philadelphia,
it has to really be chaos. I once set fire to a mannequin at Azara in Philadelphia, and they didn't even kick me out at the store. They just threw it in the burnt mannequin pile. Sorry. It was in the nineteen eighties that Black Friday finally went nationwide, and it was all thanks to America's obsession with the adorable little vegetable human monster hybrids known as the Cabbage Patch Kids. I got this one for three thousand dollars and I had to get punched by a lot of Grammas to
get it, but it was worth it. The toys were in such high demand that it caused literal riots across America. People fought their neighbors tooth and nail to pay for some lettuce shaped plastic. But all the violence was worth it for that precious Christmas morning when their kids would open the box, see the Cabbage Patch kid, and then
play with the box. The Cabbage Patch Kids set the standard for all sorts of Black Friday crazes throughout the nineties, from erbies to beanie babies, to Tickle me elmos to countless other toys bought by newly divorced dads trying to buy their way into their kids' hearts. By two thousand and two, nearly three quarters of all shoppers were in stores over Black Friday weekend. It was paradise for people
looking for deals and robbers looking for unguarded homes. Black Friday was so successful that stores started pushing the start time back from Friday morning to Friday at midnight, and then all the way back to Thanksgiving night itself. They called the new holiday Gray Thursday as a tribute to the moral gray area of abandoning your family on Thanksgiving
to choke out a stranger for an instapot. Oh that's ready, And throughout this time, Black Friday doorbuster sales became more dangerous as consumers turned every big box store into a big octagon arena. It got so bad that in twenty eleven, you were statistically more likely to be injured in a Black Friday sale than from a shark attack, unless that shark is also at the Black Friday sale, and then
it depends on whoever wants that blender more got it? Yes, But sadly the good times and horrific injuries couldn't last forever. With the dawn of online shopping, Black Friday became less relevant than the newer, shinier, two day, primier holiday that took its place. Along came Cyber Monday, an easier way to score deals while avoiding the mobs at in person stores.
Just another way technology has pulled us further apart. I mean, sure, it's more convenient, but think of what we lose when we no longer have that one on one air frer to skull contact sad Also, in recent years, retail employees have begun pushing back on so called holiday creek, which is a term for stores expanding their holiday shopping periods into Thanksgiving. Not what happens when your weird cousin hits the eggnog too hard and tries to go FDR on your underparts.
But even as.
Its golden days are behind it, Black Friday is still an American institution, standing tall beside Thanksgiving and the super Bowl and the Purge. And now that you know its history, don't forget to keep it in perspective. Saving money is great, but this season isn't about fighting some stranger at a store. It's about gathering your family and fighting with them. So happy shopping season now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta start practicing for the big day. Hey, step away from
that dice. You think I won't pull out this pin, Well, guess what? TikTok? Motherfucker.
Thanksgiving is coming and everyone's arguing about CDC guidelines, but Pilgrim's being problematic. But what about the non political Thanksgiving issues? For those I'm here to argue with random strangers on the street, improve me wrong? Thanksgiving edition. Thanksgiving is the worst holiday. I said it. I said it. Why why family gets together? It sounds terrible, but it's fun.
Peeling vegetables with with family.
Family. Yeah, appealing vegetables, that's your big argument, It's not the worst holiday because Columbus Day is a holiday, so there are worsts. Wait, so you actually genuinely have a good time at Thanksgiving?
I do have a great time.
Just how much we do guys smoke during Thanksgiving to.
Get through It depends how much extended family is there.
So what is the worst holiday?
I have to say?
And God forgive me, I'm irish, But Saint Patrick's Day can be really brutal in the city. Saint Patricca is amazing because on Thanksgiving people get mad. If you get black out, drum, you gotta travel, which is terrible. And Thanksgiving well, okay, haven't you heard of zoom? Okay, man, after two years of zooming non stop, I would love to zoom on my day off with my family. That sounds amazing. It' supposed to be one peaceful day about being thankful, you know, being thankful for like your family.
Did you not receive love as a child? Yeah, that's another thing to bring up with family during the holidays. Wherever we're receiving off love as a child? Did you? Oh, this is trying to feel a little bit like theropy. Okay, So just so you know, I'm not paying you for this? All shoes should have buckles. Proved me wrong. I think shoes should just you know, not have buckles or laces or well, let's look at what the f you're wearing. Wait are you wearing dressed crocs? Look, Pilgrims? All of
stuff wrong? Genocide not great, Turkey could picked a better animal to eat. But buckles, dude, they nailed it first time. Boom, Okay, buckles aren't appropriate for every occasion, Like what uh? If you're gonna hit the beach, you gotta pop on some flipflops. Pilgrims landed on the beach with buckles. But don't you want your feet to like breathe? Be old, I don't need people's feet to breathe. I'm not Quentin Tarantino. They'll make shoes more expensive, sure, but isn't pop the appeal
of footwear that they're expensive as fuck? That's Nike built a goddamn empire based of that.
But speaking of Nike, a lot of shoes they sell come with velgro chafts, not buckles.
Yeah, I feel like that's more convenient. If you're a goddamn child, then yeah, get some get some belcro. But if you're an adult. Put on a buckle like an adult. Pumpkin pie should replace apple pies or year round pie. Proved be wrong.
Pumpkin pie has no taste.
No taste, dude, it's a squash.
If you think it tastes better, then wouldn't that make it more special to only eat it once a year?
This is America. When you like something, you do it every day until you get sick of it, and they do it some more.
Technically with hedonic adaptation. If you do it less often, then like you get to experience the full pleasure of it.
Oh man, I feel like I just say something took.
Okay, mister Pilgrim. First of all, when you go to mom's house, you don't sit down and she give you a pumpkin pie, so you're just slice of apple pie. You tell me why you would mess with America and you would mess with mom.
Hey, you talk about mom's I'm trying to help moms here. It's way easier to make pumpkin pie and apple pie. Just open a can and done that. Ship in that's what you do.
Look at that desecrating a mother again opening cans. Those are the second rate moments.
Wow, now you're hating moms, So.
Only a dad would would recommend that you must be a dad.
Hey, that's never been proven in court.
Apple has more variety, like you didn't play around with it, you know. Pumpkins just aren't as varied, so you get sick of it sooner.
That's also argument. And how complicated apple pies are? You have to like pick an apple? There's like fifty different pumpkin too. No, there's only one pumpkin. There's no red delicious pumpkin. What Japanese pumpkins? No, that's a squash. Stop trying to take away my pumpkin pie. I don't squash pie or pumpkin pie. Yeah, instigating the crab. Now, people getting mad at you because you're wrong, you're wrong.
Have psychology on my you're wrong.
Well, we're gonna start a fighting union square about this right now. Palm good, Palm good.
When the kid comes home from school or whatever, do you say, oh, a pumpkin a day, keep the doctor away. No, that's stupid, that's just stupid. You can't do that. You give him an apple.
Yeah, but I don't give my kid apple pie to make him live longer. Nobody likes bumping pie.
It doesn't make you feel good, It doesn't make you feel homey.
It just doesn't.
It doesn't do anything for you.
It's just a piece of crap.
Well that's what I can only have it once a year. Well, I guess you win, and so you know what that means, I get to have to Yeah, be careful. You wish for lots of dumb people call me on arguing.
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