You're listening to comedy Central Ukraine. For months now, tensions have been building on the border of Ukraine, as Russia has sent one hundred thousand troops to the region, and now it's looking like war could break out at any time. With Russian troops massing along Ukraine's northern, southern, and eastern borders, Europe now teetering on the brink of war, US officials ordering the evacuation of family members of US embassy staff
in Ukraine. The order comes as tensions mount in the region, with some fearing of Russian invasion could come at any time, despite consistent denials by the Kremlin. Now the New York Times reporting that President Biden is weighing sending thousands of US troops, warships and aircraft to Eastern Europe. Secretary of State Anthony Blincoln reaffirming US support for the Ukraine government.
If a single additional Russian force goes into Ukraine in any aggressive way, as I said, that would trigger a swift, a severe, and a united response from US and from Europe. Yeah, you heard the man. Russia better not enter Ukraine in an aggressive way. But if the whole army just kind of shimmies in though. That'll be kind of cute. You know, we'll let that slide. Excills me, skills me, coming to the coming to the come through police. And look, those
are strong words from America's Secretary of State. But if I'm a Ukrainian, probably gonna hedge my bets. You know, I'll look at what happened with Afghanistan and I'll book my seats on that evacuation flight now. And this isn't just about Ukraine, by the way, many countries, many countries are worried about what this war could mean for the entire region, help even for the entire world. It could spiral out into a bigger war like World War three.
And personally, I don't think America is ready to fight Russia over Ukraine. I mean, has been fighting brown people for so long, doesn't even remember how to fight white people. At least Ukraine has time to prepare though. And that's the thing about war these days. The elements of surprise is gone. And you've got a satellite, you see them hundred thousand Russians at your border. Back in the old days, you could launch a surprise attack, but now you send
troops to the other border. Ways just tells everybody, Hey, the Russian army is causing slowdowns on your route, so you probably want to avoid the freeway. The thing I don't get is why Russia even once Ukraine so badly, Like, what do you want? Have you seen a map of Russia? Just just go to Siberia. There's a Ukraine sized piece of land with one guy living on it. You don't even have to fight Ukraine. You can just fight Dmitri. I know why Russia is doing this. They're doing it
because we're in between James bonds right now. I mean, who's gonna stop Russia if it's not for having one British alcoholic guy. We gotta pick a bond, got to pick a bond. I would have never thought of that as being the reason, But it's we are bondless. We're bondless. It's not that hard. We gotta pick someone. I think it is hard. I mean there's so many of them. Well, yeah, but we've got a lot of great choices. You could do it. Are you putting up me? You could do it? No,
I couldn't, Yes, you could. I don't like I don't like vodka. Well you can fake it though it's a part. It's an acting role you can do. And I saw that Shimmy Simmy cat fake drinking vodka because if you you when you drink it, it's like it's still you taste it and then you like, I throw up. Try a little LSD. You could be a dry bond, but then replace it with LSD. Oh. I like that. I'll call your agents. Thank you, daisy, you're welcome. I'll take
my LSD shaken, we'll workshop it. Okay, let's move on from a wall that might never start to one that never end. The battle over COVID vaccines after what shoes should Eminem's wear? Asking where the vaccines are good is literally the dumbest thing people can fight about, But they are fighting, And yesterday thousands of people held a rally in Washington, d C. To hear why vaccine mandates are
worse zan Hitler. In the nation's capital. Sunday, demonstrators gathered at the Lincoln Memorial, many voicing opposition to the COVID nineteen vaccine, others protesting vaccine mandates. Among the speakers, Robert Kennedy Jr. Sonator Maye, New York Senator and Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy. What we're saying today is what I call turnkey totalitarianism. They are putting in place all of these technical, technological mechanisms for control, and we've never seen before.
Even in Hitler, Germany, you could you could cross the Alps into Switzerland. You can hide in an attic like an frankte the man is right. Who could argue? No one ever talks about how good and Frank had it free room and board, all the time in the world
to write pretty shot deal. If you ask me, I will say, though, crazy is relative, because RFK maybe saying wild ship about the Holocaust, but half the people he's talking to don't even believe the Holocaust happened, and just standing there like and Frank and realize this guy was such a liberal. Huh. Joe Byron, the president who puts the hip in hip replacements. Like most presidents, Biden has a complicated relationship with the media, which I get. You know,
they nitpick everything he says. They challenge all of his decisions, and they even get their own room in his house, which is insane. Nobody else has to set aside a guest room for their haters. Well, yesterday, Biden's true feelings about at least one member of the press slipped out. On Monday, when a Fox News reporter asked him a question in about inflation, Mr Biden fired off an insult. Deucey says. President Bide later called him to clear the
air and to say his comments were not personal. Within about an hour of that exchange, he called my cell phone and he said, it's nothing personal, pal, And we went back and forth and we were talking about just kind of moving moving forward. And I made sure to tell him that I'm always going to try to ask something different than what everybody else is asking. And he said, you've got to and that's a quote from the President,
So I'll keep doing it. You see, this is what happens when you've been on zoom calls for two years. You forget that real life doesn't have a mute button. Son of a bitch? Was that alloud? Sorry? Now a lot of people are asking if Biden even knew that the microphone was on, But guys, please come on, right He's sitting there talking into a giant microphone, so there's
at least he knew it was there. And a lot of people online are dunking on the reporter saying that he deserved this because he's just some Fox News guy asking a dumb question, and they're right. You know, do you think inflation is a political liability? Is a very stupid question. I mean, what's Biden is supposed to say? No, I think people like spending more money to buy the
same ship. I mean, if you get to ask the president's a question, you should ask him real questions like why can't the CDC get its messaging straight on COVID? Or can you ask your dog to stop chewing my arm? And because of this moment, there are many people who are saying that this shows that Biden and Trump treat the press with the same level of animosity. And I'm sorry, guys, no, I can't accept that. I cannot believe that people would even say something so disrespectful about my man, Donald jiu
Jitsu Trump. First of all, he wouldn't mumble that into a hot mic, so he would screen that ship into your face. He'd be like, get that son of a bit out of here. So rude, so rude. My crimes are my business. Biden dropped one offhanded dishonor reporter. He's no legend. Attacking the press was Donald Trump's whole thing. You remember that guy ship. You can't compare these two. It's like comparing Steph Curry to a random guy who makes one half court shot during halftime show some respect.
Compare him to Trump? Can you imagine? Yeah? I know, but you know you gotta know about the hot mics, right, Yeah, you gotta know. That's when I'm on the show here. You know, I know that if I want to talk some ship, I gotta cover up my mic. And our audio guy he put for me. He puts it on my on my wrist, so I cover it up and I can say to you, our audio guy sucks. You know that, right, is one of the worst audio guys I've ever met in show biz. I'm embarrassed. But then
once you pull it up. You know what I'm saying, he count he couldn't hear anything, right, My boy sucks. Right, He's what It's great, dude, See what I'm saying. The yeah, yeah, this ship works all the time. He's a clown. You know what I'm saying, Right, You got him because that's what I'm saying. Hey, no one else heard that, So that's how I stay alive in this biz. Dude, and you've got a long career ahead of you. All right,
let's move on to the Winter Olympics. You know, it's that time of the year where we all sit on our couches and critique athletes doing sports we just learned existed. We are now a few weeks away from seeing our favorite athletes sliding down an icy track head first, and also fate first, and also crammed inside a giant dildo. But it seems like the main event of these Olympics, we'll be fending off COVID, and right now China is doing everything it can to win the gold with a
winner games less than two weeks away. Cities across China are scrambling to contain COVID outbreaks, and officials in Beijing now urging local districts to stay in what they call full emergency mode. Authorities are tracking down anyone in the city who's bought medicine in recent weeks that could be used to treat fever or other symptoms, even something as simple as ibuprofen, and sending text messages ordering them to get COVID tests. Entire buildings are being locked down, sometimes
without warning to the people inside. You know, China does not play games. I mean they will in two weeks, but not now. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine your building being locked down without any warning, no warning, nothing, especially just after you've broken up with someone. Well, guess what, Sheila, We're through. And by the way, I slept with your sister. Yeah. Look, we all said a lot of things back there about
sleeping with your sister. You know she But this is this is way too much oppression for the Winter Olympics. Can we agree on that. I mean some Olympics, sure, oppress all you want, but you can't be locking people in their apartments for sports like curling. Even the curling athletes are like, guys, guys, we're just sweeping ice. Chill, chill. I don't know about you, but the story gave me perspective because Americans complain so much when a restaurant asks
them to wear a mask. But then China will shut down your entire block because somebody bought advil. And I'll tell you now, nobody in Beijing is sitting inside their house like damn. This is just like communist New York. Because this is what real authoritarian control looks like, a government tracking your eyebuprof and purchases. That's not for the government to know. That's between you and your pharmacy and your credit card company. And the Google adds after you
type in head hurt wife. Supreme Court. Yes, the second most powerful court in the United States, right off to judge Judy. Out of all the justices on the Supreme Courts, the oldest one is Stephen Bria. And you know how it goes with old Supreme Court justices. Eventually, whether they like it or not, they go and meet the one
true judge. So Democrats have been relentlessly pesterring Brier to step down so that they can replace him before Mitch McConnell comes back into power and makes a rule that all Supreme Court justices have to have been platinum Q and on members in the past. And today Bria finally made the democrats dreams come true. Breaking news a bombshell announcement out of the U. S Supreme Court, reverberating across the nation's legal and political landscape. CNN has learned that
Justice Stephen Bryer plans to retire. Briar is eight three years old, and he has resisted calls to retire from liberals who wants than Joe Biden to have a Supreme Court nomination slot that he can use this year. Apparently Brier has decided to move forward with that retirement now, and it sets up a political battle here for President Biden, who will have the opportunity to nominate a Supreme Court justice. As a result, Justice Stephen Brier, the leading liberal on
the Court, he will retire. We're still not exactly sure of the timeline, but presumably not until the end of this term, which ends up usually at the end of June. Is big, y'all? Justice Brian is retiring. Yeah, probably to focus more on his ice cream brand. I don't know. But honestly, no one, no one should be surprised by this news, right It probably isn't fun being hounded old day by people screaming at you to retire. I mean, imagine, think about every where this guy goes, people are telling
him he should be retiring. He's probably in line at the grocery store and people like, retire bitch. Is it Starbucks? The name of the cup is retire bitch. He's at the synagogue and the rabbis like, retire bitch. Right now, A lot of Democrats are relieved, but I don't know. People. I feel like the only winner here is gonna be Mitch McConnell. Maybe I'm just God. Yeah, because even though the Republicans don't control the Senate, don't be shocked. Don't
be shocked, and Mitch still makes it happen. He's just gonna come out like March, a long standing shout a tradition that we're kinter confirmed or Supreme Court justice. In a year where there's no season of Ozark or Netflix ma, we're all gonna watch it first and the process what happened crazy share? Since olcross started, countless kids around the country have gotten infected or they've had to isolate because
some kids in their class got infected. And when you think about it, it's disorienting not to know what each day is gonna bring. Are they going to be in class, are they going to be home? Is the bullying going to be in personal or cyber? You need to plan. It's been chaos for students, which is why some schools have decided to do away with the indoor parts of indoor learning altogether. The pandemic has many parents in school
districts still struggling with remote versus in person learning. But some schools are finding a compromise in the great outdoors. Despite frigid temperatures in Wisconsin and Maine, these schools moved some classes outside to help prevent the spread. Seventeen schools in Portland, Maine, built outdoor learning spaces, plenty of winter gear and WiFi with windschill it's minus seven. Yeah, that's right, COVID. You're not gonna get these kids because they're gonna freeze
to death. First checkmate, and look on all those classrooms might be colder than the middle of a trade of Joe's burrito, but there are probably a lot of benefits for the students. Yeah, younger kids get to play in the snow, and high schoolers they don't have to worry about spontaneous erections anymore. Everybody wins not to mention. These kids will be the first generation that can outflex their
grandparents about how hard they had it. I used to walk ten miles in the snow just to get to school, bitch, the snow was my school. But if kids are stressed out by everything that's going on, it's also hard on the teachers. A lot of them are staying home because they're either worried about getting COVID or they already have it, which is why there's a big teacher shortage right now all across the country. And that's a problem because without teachers,
you don't have a school. I mean now, it's just juvie. So schools around the country are trying to solve their staffing problems with whoever they can find. As O Macron surges on, teachers are calling out with COVID, leading to a potential crisis across the nation. Schools with record numbers calling in sick. Thousands of schools have been forced to close schools scrambling to keep kids in the classroom, forced to come up with creative solutions. In Miami, a staggering
sevent teachers called in sick today. It was all hands on decks. Even the districts superintendent filled in as a substitute science teacher. In Michigan, lunch ladies and school bus drivers are stepping in to supervise classes. School districts facing teacher shortages are asking parents and alum to fill in as substitutes. Hundreds of parents in Powell, Alto, California are volunteering at schools doing anything from light custodial work to
food services. Have clean tables. I've swept floors. In New Mexico. The governor now calling on the National Guard to teach kids. In Oklahoma, off duty police officers are now stepping into teach wow, using cops as substitute teachers. I mean, that's one way to get the black kids raising their hands in class. Kevin, did you did you have a question? Sir? I just don't want any trouble. It would actually be pretty funny if the teachers and cops switched jobs permanently,
because you gotta. It would be so nice to get pulled over by a teacher for a change. Could they just be like, sir, do you know how fast you're going? Because you see you left tuls at three or eight pm and arrived here two hours later, which means I'm not hating. Though I'm not hating. I think it's great that people from the community are stepping up. But let's
not forget there's no way to replace a professional substitute teacher. Yeah, do you think anyone can just show up, pass out a worksheet and then get roasted for eight hours by a bunch of eleven year old No, that is an art form. So a lot of these pandemic policies have been hard on students and teachers, but the people making the policies aren't getting off easy. And I'm talking about
the local school boards. Yeah, they're stuck in the middle between parents who are terrified of their kids safety and parents who are terrified that the mosques their kids wear will turn their kids into tiny little fauci's. I'm home from school, mom, and all the data supports me getting some mac and cheese right now. Follow the science, mommy. So school boards are in a tough spot, and uh not every parent is showing their appreciation this school or meeting.
In Virginia taking a wild tern Thursday, as a Page County parent was arrested and released on a five thousand dollar bond after she was captured on tape threatening to bring guns to her children's school if a district continued to enforce their mask mandate. My children will not come to school on Monday with a mask on. All right, that's not happening, And I will bring every single gun loaded and ready to I will call every that's three minute if you've gone past your path. It's a policy
thank you, m M. I'll see y'all on Monday. So you don't want to hear the end of the threat. I mean, I know there's a time policy, but someone's threatening to kill me. I want to hear what they have to say, so I don't know how to escape. I mean, this does show you how often school boards get deaf for that's screamed at them. Do you see how calm those people were. This woman is talking about bringing every loaded gun to the school, and they're like,
time is out. Thank you. The next speaker is Jennifer Higgins, who has a proposal for burning down our houses. Go ahead, Jennifer, and please remember keep it to three minutes for more on the disruption that overcron is causing with schools. Let's go out now to Roy Wood Jr. Who is standing outside a random school. Do I have to be out here, Trevor, it's gold as hail. I could just talk to you in the studio. I'm sorry, Roy, that's not possible. This is how the news is. You see, we're talking about
a school, so you have to be at a school. Otherwise, how old the people trust what a school is? Anyway, let's talk about all the chaos in schools right now, Roy, it almost feels like we're back in rights. It's sure as ship does. I'm so fat up with overcron man. It's ruining everything. It's ruining things for students, for teachers, parents, everybody. Not to mention all the money I'm losing on these shirts I printed up a couple of months ago. Look
at this man and sold a single one of these. Damn, Oh my crime. You don't know the overhead on that really gives you a new appreciation for all those chill viruses we have out there. Yeah, that's so wall I'm sorry, did you say chill viruses? I don't think there's such a thing as a chill virus, Roy, No, I think that's where you're wrong, Trevor. There are plenty of viruses out there just keeping to themselves, not stirring up trouble all the time, like hepatitis A. I'm sorry, Roy, Are
you saying that hepatitis A is a chill virus? Yeah, totally chill virus, Trevor, Calm as hell. Nobody's getting hepatitis A just standing in line at Walmart. Only where you're getting it is if you go out to eat and the cook don't wash his hands after wiping his ass. You don't have to worry about mask or boost the shots for hepatitis. Just don't order a slippy Joe the truck stop and you're good. Well, Roy, I wasn't planning
on it, but yeah, I see what you're saying. You know, like maybe we should give credit to all those viruses out there that I'm next annoying day today, Like, like, what's that virus that causes mono? Oh, you're talking about my boy. Epstein Barr or also known as the kissing disease. Now you may not know this, Trevor, but you know why they call it the kissing disease because you get it from kissing. It's one of the few diseases where
the diagnosis comes with a half five. That's so true, Roy, You know, the doctor's just like I got good news and bad news. The bad news is you got mono. The good news is my man. Yeah. By the way, did you know that Epstein bar is named after Jeffrey Epstein and former Attorney General Bill Barr. It's the first collapse before Bar killed Epstein in the jail cell. I did not know that, Roy, Well, now you do. I
don't preach. I teach. And here's one other virus that I've never really appreciated until Corona came along, Her Pies. I don't. I don't know, man. I I don't think I'm ready to throw my support behind her pies. Well you should be. Did you know, Trevor, two hundred million people in this country have herpies. But it's such a chill virus that most people don't even realize they have it. It's just like Cinemax sitting up there Channel six thirty seven,
just monering its own business. Heil, I bet you have her pies. No, I don't. I don't have her piece. I do not. Roy. Statistically, you probably do. I don't. I'm sure that I don't. Roy. Thank you so much, Chad. Look, it doesn't matter if or how you got her pies. Man. The point is I want to take a moment to apologize to all the chill viruses out there. We took you for granted before, but no longer. We appreciate you and all you do for us. From Heape all the
way to Trevor Noah's Herpies. Thank you. I do not. I do not have her pies. Thank you so much before we go. This weekend was the forty ninth anniversary of Roe v. Wade, and while it is still low in much of the country, women's reproductive rights are being threatened, but Planned Parenthood is on the ground. They're helping deliver a vital reproductive healthcare, sex education, and information to millions of people, not just in the United States but worldwide.
So if you want to support them in their mission, then you can donate at the link below. What's the Daily Show weeknights at eleven tenth Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast