Trump to Women: "I Will Be Your Protector" | Aubrey Plaza

You're listening to Comedy centralow.

From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central.

It's America's only sorts for news.

This is the Daily Joe with your host Daisy light.

Daily Joe.

I'm Daddie Lighted. We've got so much to talk about. Tonight, Donald Trump begs women to take him back. Mark Robinson wants his scandal to climax and finish already, and we get to know the real tim Walls. But first, let's talk about women. Did you know they can vote?

Let's take a look at the men trying to win their support in.

A special edition of Indecision twenty twenty four. Those graphics cost ten percent more because they were pink.

Let's start with Donald Trump.

According to Poles, he's deeply unpopular with women. Maybe it's because of his legally adjudicated record of sexual assault. Maybe he forgot their birthdays. It's hard to say, but the fact is he needs to win them back and he knows it. So last night he turned on the old Trump charm.

Sadly, women are poorer than they were four years.

Ago, much mourer, are less healthy than they were four years ago, are less safe on the streets, than they were four years ago. Are more stressed and depressed and unhappy.

Oh use me, you really know how to flatter a lady. Please tell me more about the bags under my eyes. I love how he's acknowledging that we're stressed out, as though he's not the one stressing us out. This is like Boeing being like weird. How people seem so freaked out about air travel these days. Although it's not true that all women are poorer, eg and Carol seems to be doing pretty well.

But Trump is.

A master marketer. That's how you sell things to women. You convince them that they have a problem, and then you say, here, buy these vagina gummies. And yes, in this analogy, Trump is the vagina gummy.

I believe that I will fix all of that and fast. You will no longer be abandoned, lonely or scared. You will no longer be in danger. You're not going to be in danger any longer. You will no longer have anxiety from all of the problems our country has today.

Women will be happy, healthy, confident and free.

You will be protected and I will be your protector.

I'm actually meeting someone here. I have a boyfriend, thank you so much. Though I know what you're thinking. How can Trump expect women to support him when he took away abortion rights?

Well, luckily he has an answer for that.

You will no.

Longer be thinking about abortion because we've done something that nobody else could have done. It is now where it always had to be, with the states, and they vote of the people.

Yes, the states where women live. Remember that thing that you could always depend on because it was legal EveryWare. Well now it's up for a vote every two years and every jurisdiction forever. That feels better, right, No need to think, don't think, just don't think. But Trump isn't the only one not thinking clearly about abortion. Republicans up and down the ballot are having trouble with it, like Ohio's Bernie Moreno. He's a Republican nominee and a pivotal

Republican Senate candidate Bernie Marino is getting harsh backlash tonight because of comments he made over the weekend about women who support reproductive rights on the left has a lot.

Of English voters.

Sadly, by the way, there's a lot of suburban women, a lot of suburban women.

They're like, listen, abortion is in.

If I can't have an abortion of this country whenever I.

Want, I will vote for anybody else.

Okay, a little crazy, by the way, but especially for a women that are like past fifty.

I think I us out there.

Yeah, how dare a woman who can't get pregnant care about abortion? Only men who can't get pregnant are allowed to care.

About the born.

People should only care about issues that affect their bodies. Why do you care about it, Bernie Moreno, it's abortion, not the rising price of extra small condoms. But of course, the winner of this week's shitty Men competition has to be North Carolina's Mark Robins, candidate for governor, and horny Carl Winslow. Last week, it was reported that Robinson spent years posting on the porn website nudafrica dot com. Yeah, he called himself a black Nazi and wish he could

So here we go. Okay, here it is.

Right.

When I was really pumping the smurfshoot good, she shot a long hot stream of smurf up in the air that covered my chest and smurf.

It was so smurfing hot. She was smurfin, I was smurfin. She was smurfin, and I.

Was covered in smurf and smurf juice and smurf.

Damn, there goes my childhood.

Now.

Normally, even if one of these things were reported about, you'd probably lay up for a while. But Mark Robinson is not a normal person.

Knew this morning.

Republican Mark Robinson fiery and defiant.

While this country is literally facing a crisis situation on the world stage, while our border is wide open, while our businesses are struggling, while folks are dying from fentanyl, while crime is firaling out of control, You folks want to focus on tabloid trash, and quite frankly, I.

Am sick of it.

Yeah, people, listen up. There are real issues at stake here.

Inflation is so high, America's milks can't afford to pay their pool boys. Utilities are so expensive, young men are forced to shower with their step moms. Cities are so strapped, the NTA is raising prices on the Bang bus. American families are so poor they're living ass to mouth, and immigrants are stealing all our jobs hand and blow. When we're on this scandal, we go live to North Carolina with Dulce Sloan.

Come on, hell, don't say how do you think this.

Mark Robinson scandal is going to affect the female vote?

The female vote, No, no, no, women have to shouldn't have to respond to this.

This Mark Robinson guy is a problem for men.

He's confirmed all our greatest fears about them, that they just want to cheat on their spouses and watch port all day.

And in fact, I want a man to answer for this. With Josh Josh Johnson Show itself. Put a camera on Josh.

Oh, Josh, answer for Mark Robinson right now?

Is there a camera in my house? How'd you want a camera in my house?

I'm an Airbnb super host, baby, I can sneak a camera into any room in America. But that's not important. You need to tell me right now. You're not leaving nazi comments on porn websites. What I bet you're jerking off right now.

You can see both my hands.

I don't know how you little freak do it.

I'm eating who eats and watches porn?

Jared from Subway? Next question?

Doesie help me out?

Answer the question? Josh? Are you watching porn?

I'm watching a documentary on industrial farm animals.

See them yeasty, nasty?

I bet you go to the last page of porn. Hug, it's not poorn. Oh, so you've never watched porn?

D'll say, my mama watches the show.

Don't make me say see I knew it.

I bet you're on Nudeafrica dot com right now.

I've never even heard of that website.

Ah, so you're saying you don't find black women to track it?

Josh, when did I say that?

You know why you nasty? Get this nasty man on my screen?

He makes me sick.

It makes me sick. There you have it, Daisy.

Clearly, men like Josh Johnson will be voting in record numbers for Mark Robinson.

I'm not so when you go to.

Vote, bring the pure ol ladies, because that voting machine lever is not the only thing they're hanking on.

Duly knuted, dulce sloaded Josh Johnson.

Everyone.

Leave him back.

There's talking truth about pin Walls. They won't go away.

On the Macaday.

So one week come tonight will be the first vice presidential debate. So let's get to know one of the two men who will be on that stage. And another installment of the Daily Show Ography.

Boy that Tim Walls fella, she seems nice, a little too nice.

Tim Wall's job is to be the Jack Kvorkian for America. His job is to be the assisted suicide doctor, to lean over charmingly by the bedside of America and to give it a thing injection.

Close your eyes, America, It'll all be over soon. This is the Daily Showography of Tim Walls, Rapidally Nice, sponsored by Trump Bench and Project twenty twenty five. Timothy James Walls had a dangerously focsy upbringing.

My town had four hundred people in it, twenty four kids in my graduating class, twelve, four cousins, twelve were culture colleague.

He developed a taste for blood from his father and grandfather, who owned a meat locker and was indoctrinated into communism. While working on a farm where he evenly distributed fertilizer regardless of which crops worked the hardest. Soon, Walls was recruited to join the National Guard, where he admitted to swindling our brave troops.

I willingly say I got far more out of the military than they got out of.

Meet disgusting.

That government welfare paid for him to attend an elite Ivy League style school in the globalist nexus of Shadra, Nebraska.

Not surprisingly, Walls.

Used his education degree to get a job teaching America's future enemies in communist China. In China, Walls worked at a Chinese school, teaching armies of Chinese students who were from China.

After completing his Chinese brainwashing.

Walls returned to the Midwest, where he indoctrinated decent American children with his social studies, forcing them to read textbooks.

And look at maps.

Now safely undercover in Minnesota, Walls married fellow teacher Gwen Whipple.

And where do you think they honeymooned?

That's right China. To this day he still doesn't try to hide his allegiance.

Nimanhamma Happy Chinese, New York of the Pig Gone Fotsoy.

Walls's sinister niceness couldn't be contained by a classroom. It started bleeding into after school activities when he took a position coaching football, the same sports cia operative Travis Kelcey plays as part of his tailor Swift psy On. But it's no surprise Walls ended up a football coach. It was in his blood to crave the touch of dead pig flesh. From there, it was a small step to his most evil act of kindness, yet grooming children to be nice to each other.

They asked if I would be interested in helping start a gay straight alliance group. You have an older, white, straight, married male football coach who's deeply concerned that these students are treated barely and that there's no bullying bullying.

But being nice to children wasn't enough for this sicko. He wanted to be nice to a whole congressional district.

I will speak for you, thank you.

After winning a seat, Walls charged in on day one, just dripping with entitlement.

Look at the door, my own restroom.

Pooping on the taxpayer's done? You know where else they have government restrooms China? Before long, this ambitious zealot set his sights on an even fancier place to poop, the governor's office. His opponent tried desperately to warn people.

I think Tim.

Walls is an affable individual who.

Has a wonderful smile.

But it was too late.

Walls seized power, and within days the state was overwhelmed by riots in the streets and a deadly virus from guess where. To no one's surprise, Governor Walls unleashed a fury of radically nice policies and the nicest of all, free breakfast and lunch for school kids. You know who else gave kids free food? That witch who ate Handsel

This is the coolest bill signing that we will ever do.

Sure if you like your little corvettes.

Red and his dark addictions don't end with pop music, whether it's fixing cars, coin collecting buttercarbing, or owning guns and hunting.

Wait, no, skip that one, that's normal. The point is.

Walls is a matinee who dabbles in elitist predilections ranging from oat cuisine.

I am a corn dog guy, to oat coutour.

I'm wearing corn dog sas just to be queer for everyone.

So it's no wonder that when Kamala Harris needed a henchman for her extremest takeover of America, was only one man for the job.

The most neglected part of home ownership is the gutters strinth. Some water folks, it is hot out, the grass is green, and the coffee's hot. We're close to putting the hay in the barn and getting this thing done.

And that's why Tim Walls truly is radically nice.

I think I lived the most boring life of anyone you've ever met.

Will be joining me on news and the way My destiny isn't any nominated advers.

He starts in two upcoming films, My Old Ass and Megalopolis.

Love Only Love.

I don't want to do that, but it does feel good on my broken knee.

How is your broken knee?

By the way, I don't want to do that the whole time.

It's doing committed and that's we're doing. We're doing this the whole time.

How it feels right Mike it or not, it really does feel good?

Does it help.

Keep it up?

There?

I don't give up table. Who's even watching?

Now?

Okay, how Aubrey injured herself doing something? I came cool playing basketball, not like me when I tweaked my back because I slept the wrong way.

No, I've done that too. It's true. I was playing.

Basketball w n b A also our weekend in Phoenix at their brand new, beautiful practice facility, and it was a very casual game that ended tragically and I wasn't even being guarded. It was very embarrassing too, to do that. I just went up for a shot and then came down weird. And then the entire Team USA staff of doctors, you.

Know, they were there, Oh yeah, to rush. Oh yeah.

I think actually I could be wrong, but I might have been the first injury report on team the Team USA roster.

I'm not kidding.

You should have led with that. That's like, I think it's one.

Yeah, I think it's true.

I know you probably have to be a little bit tight lipped about the plot of this Coppola film, Megalopolis, but I think it's apparent from the clip, the clip that we just watched this is the tragic story of a very disgruntled elevator operator.

What is she so disgruntled about?

Well, you know, she her dog got killed in a very Oh I'm sorry, No, no, no, no, uh she she's she wants money, she wants power, she wants to get out of that elevator.

Yes, she's been in there for far too long.

Nothing will stop her.

Yes, you, in.

All seriousness, you play a morally corrupt journalist.

How much Tucker Carlson footage did you have.

To do.

To study to this character?

I mean I actually, in all seriousness, I did watch a lot of Fox News to study to Yeah, to research my role as a correct journalist.

I did.

How high are your therapy bills? Now?

High?

Very high?

Yeah? What was that like?

Being?

I mean a cope, A film that's enormous wild.

I still can't believe it.

We had the premiere last night and I was sitting around going like, I cannot believe I'm in this movie.

It's insane. Yeah, it has such a Yeah, he's such a legend and you know, an icon. It's like it's it doesn't feel real.

And I heard that he treated this set almost like theater camp.

There was a lot of improv and rehearsal.

Is that true?

Oh yeah, yeah, I mean Francis loves actors, he loves the process, and he set up a week of rehearsals and I didn't really know what I was getting myself into, but I found out very quickly that anything can happen, and it's not about reading the lines on the page. It's about doing whatever, you know, games, you know, to come to his mind on that day, different.

Kinds of games.

Yeah, but it was it was kind of amazing because it was a mind meld. We all kind of you know, it was like an old, you know, timey kind of theater troupe. We all kind of like, you know, connected, and our defenses fell away, and it was it was fun.

Did you love that because you come from improv theater, sketch comedy as a comedic actor coming up?

Was that like, oh yeah, I get.

To roll up my sleeves or were you like I memorize my lines?

You know? To be honest, it was a little bit of both.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, I like to do it.

I love improvising in general, but but you know, yeah, I mean there was one day I remember I walked in and there was a little wooden platform with a microphone and one of his interns with like an old timey like spotlight kind of like you know, like that, and I walked in and he said, it's time for the Wow Show, which is my character in the movie Wow. Put on the show and everyone started clapping, and it was like, this is a nightmare. This is like actually like literally like what happens in.

Nightmares, and wanted you to improvise the Wow Show.

Yes, and there was that was it. It was just I saw the stage.

The spotlight and the mic and he had set it all up, you know, audio visually style, and.

It was there was no one can do that. It's you, by the way. You you were the person who could go in and knock that up.

I mean, I don't know what I did.

I think I was like I was doing like Judy Garland, like Vaude fill numbers and I was like saying all the lines from Random Hearts, you know, Christian Scott Thomas and Karris got.

Board and yeah, I don't remember.

Did he call you by your character name Wow Platinum the entire time?

Yes? He still does.

With that confusing like when he went Wow, were you like are you calling my name?

Or did I have a good take?

Uh?

No, I think you know. I it was helpful for it. We we really were on the same page, him and I. I felt like, you know, he got he totally.

I No. It didn't feel weird at all, and it still doesn't.

When he calls me, wow, I just immediately, you know, slipped back in and and do that, and then I slipped back out.

Just start spreading conspiracy theory is just like, yeah, Megan can.

I'd love to Yeah.

Yeah, You're not just starring in a Coppola film. You also have a Marvel show coming out. Yes, Agatha, Agatha all along. Yep, you also have a sun Dance darling called My Old Ass.

Yes, my old Ass.

Talk to us about my old Ass. The movie not My Old Ass?

But okay?

Or do I don't go on?

No, the movie okay my old Ass. Yes.

It is in theaters now, and it's a ridiculous. It's a very funny title for a movie that is so like heartwarming and like, oh my god, I cry every time I see it.

And it's it's about.

A girl called Elliott who's the summer before she leaves home for college. She she does a mushroom trip with her friends and she meets her old ass, her thirty nine year old self played by me her old ass as she calls me in during the mushroom trip, and then it's kind of a move. It's kind of this amazing movie about your thirty nine year old self talking to your younger self and going like, don't do this, and do this, and it's just awesome.

It's really good, mazing.

Stella is incredible and Megan Park, the director, the writer, director, she like knocked it out of the park intended.

She was as she was born to do. So she was such a sweet movie. It's so funny and it's so heartwarming and you're wonderful in it.

Thank you.

And it does sort of beg the question like if you could go back in time and give yourself advice and make a different choice, would you do that? Did you do you feel like you would go back in time and change anything?

You know, there's things I would say to myself that I can't you know that I'd say not to do that. You know I can't say you know on television.

No, go on, go on?

Okay, like maybe not go back in time and tear your asyl.

On January seventh, you know, nineteen ninety nine.

Don't say January sixth. I was gonna say, we should. This could be incriminating.

I know why January seventh?

Why?

Okay, I don't know why I put that.

Are you the kind of person that's just like, no, everything happens for a reason.

It led me to where I am.

I now think I am. Yeah, I think I am.

I think I'm I think I'm that person because I did a whole press jugget with Mazie and we got asked this question all day and it was giving me like an existential crisis by like hour four because I was like, I don't know, I don't know what I would say, tom My older stop.

The people are like, what would you say to.

Not you know that's the question you would ask.

But I was like, I don't know, And I thought, you know, what I really want is I want my old ass, Like for me, now is my ass and then my old older ass. I want like seventy five year old me to like appeared me right.

Now, seventy five seventy five year old you?

Yes?

Now, now do you do you think about what your seventy five year old self would tell you right now in this moment, I.

Try to imagine it because when I'm like thinking about I don't know anything. I just feel like I don't know. I just feel like I'm going to be that age and like I already.

Don't kind of like care or something. But I feel like at seventy five, I'm are really not going to care. Oh my god, that's going to be really good.

Should we you know what I mean?

Should we take mushrooms right now and try to find our seventy five year olds?

Well, I'll take more, but yes, yes, yes, I.

Am writing due.

Okay, I wish Comedy Central campaign, Oh I understand?

No no?

So sheare your co star.

And Agatha all Along was here last week and she was asked, it's a very witchy show. She plays a witch, you play a witch. She was asked, who would you choose in your dream coven? So I'm curious if you could come up with a dream coven of witches, who would you choose?

Okay, Kamala Harris, oh just for fun? And Judy Davis, who thank you?

One person? Judy Davis.

I would say Mia Farrow, Patti LuPone, they done away just all the you know what I mean, and then Nicholas Cage.

Just to like wrop it out.

I would love to join your coven, by the way, and he does, thank you.

Well, it's fine, Well, it's okay.

Let me talk to Judy and do you want to go back in time and change your answer just to throw throw me in the mix?

You have drugs that I can take first.

Yes, we'll get to that. Okay, Thank you so much for being on. Thank you Atulian every.

Day meal Les and I'm Max everywhere every twenty seven.

That's our show here.

How does that man do it?

You know, we lead our lives right to and from work.

We got stress.

This guy what he does, the energy he is relentless.

I think that is the perfect word.

Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The.

Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.

Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven.

Ten Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount

Plus Paramount Podcasts