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Yew Donalds, Johnson and Johnson, baby Powder, Trump ex president, most likely to be a surprise judge at a wet T shirt contest. Yesterday, the government office that keeps presidential records asked the Justice Departments to investigate Trump's improper handling of official documents. And like, at this point, I'm wondering if there are any laws that Trump hasn't broken. You know, if there was a Guinness Book of World Records for crime,
he'd probably stealed the book. But yeah, according to reports, Trump would rip up papers after he read them, right, He took boxes of material with him tomorrow lago. And now we're learning that Trump did the most trump thing that he possibly could have done with some of these documents.
We are beginning with breaking news. Staff members at the White House Residents discovered wads of printed paper in a clogged toilet on more more than one occasion during the Trump administration, and believe that it was the former president himself who was trying to flush documents.
I learned that staff in the White House Residence would periodically find the toilet clog. The engineer would have to come and fix it. And what the engineer would find would be wadds of you know, clumped up print, wet printed paper, you know, meaning it was not toilet paper. It could be posteds, it could be note zero to himself, It could be other things. We don't know, but it certainly does add, as you said, another dimension to what we know about how he handled material in the White House work.
You know, it's so funny how in every scandal involving Trump and documents, none of them involve him reading them. And by the way, I will say this, I know it's easy for us to all go Trump was trying to obstruct justice, That's what this was. But you do remember at the start of the pandemic there was a shortage of what and I don't know about you guys, but when there's no toilet paper state documents starts to look mighty tempting. It also does explain why Trump was
always complaining about toilets. You remember how he always did.
That people are flushing toilets ten times fifteen times as opposed to once they end up using more water.
Yeah, they're flashing at ten times fifteen times.
No, dude, you were flushing toilets ten times fifteen times because you were shoving your homework down the toilets. I mean, everyone assumed he was a man who clogged the White House toilets, but no one ever.
Thought we'd have to ask the question, but with what now? Of course, Trump denies all of this. He says he never clogged any toilets ever. Smoothest pooh of all time. Oh my god, The FBI raided Donald Trump's house in mar Lago. The FBI people rated a former president's house. This is huge. This is bigger than on the FEDS investigated Bill Clinton for doing mouth stuff with that saxophone. And by the way, by the way, this raid, just so you know, has nothing to do with January sixth,
or tax fraud or giving the White House plumber PTSD. No. Apparently, apparently this investigation is about Trump taking classified documents from the White House. And honestly, you know, I'm amazed that Trump has time for all of this crime. But at any moment, at any moment, Trump's got a crime that he's covering up. He's got a crime that he's doing now, He's got a crime that he's plotting for the future. He's like the Steve Harvey, But of crimes. You know,
every day. I'm like, does he have the same hours in the day as me? He gets so much done. Now, if you'll remember, if you remember earlier this year, the Fed's already had to go down to Marrow Lago and take back fifteen boxes of documents that Trump wasn't supposed to have. But apparently they think there's more hidden on the property, right And I believe that. I believe that too. I mean, like, Trump's not gonna keep records in a
filing cabinet like a normal person. What was the same dude who buried his ex wife on a golf course. I mean, think about that. And yes, it is totally unprecedented for the FBI to raid the home of a former president. That's true. That has never happened in American history. But don't forget Donald Trump has also never happened in American history. Everything is an anomaly with this man. I mean, like, why do you think a book from one of his
staffers comes out every single week? Because every single person he interacts with is like, yo, have I got a story for you? And wouldn't it be weird if this is the thing that takes Trump down? We thought it would be something like conspiracy or bribery or blackmail. But no, Trump's got busted for taking work home with him. What a nerd? Now, Obviously, President Trump recognizes the gravity of the situation, which is why he has refrained from comments
while the legal process is now. I'm joking with you, Come on. The guy released a statement immediately. Immediately he read, these.
Are dark times for our nation as my beautiful home, Mara.
Lago in Balm Beach, Florida, is currently under siege, raided and I get back by a large group of FBA agents.
They even broke into my safe. What's the difference between this and Watergate? What's the difference? I love that even while he's complaining, he slips in that the thing is beautiful. How could they do this to my beautiful home? Also, also, this is completely different from Watergates all right. For one thing, the guy's breaking in to Wardsgate didn't need to clean
old ketchup stains off the documents. But the other big thing, the other big difference is that the raid was legal, all right, was approved by a federal judge, approved by the head of the FBI, who, by the way, was appointed by Donald Trump. Himself. I think he got rid of like seventeen other heads of the FBI because they didn't want to do crimes of Donald Trump. So now
the big mystery is what did the FBI find. Well, according to Donald Trump's third favorite son, the only thing the FBI took was his heart.
What could they possibly think existed inside of mor Lago in a box that was taken from the White House that was so damaging that the FBI director and the Attorney General of the United States would would have to raid a former president's residence and grab everything out of there.
I don't know. They'll probably find a note for me telling him how proud I am of him and what great job he was doing his president. They might find some pictures of my kids, maybe some nice you know, headlines, maybe a nice snow from you.
Sean.
Oh, Eric, you silly, silly man. Did Daddy tell you that's where your letters to him go? Hid it away somewhere safe. They're just too important to show anybody or acknowledge it anyway. Eric.
That's why I locked them up right next to.
My wedding ring. That's what I do now. Aside from the boxes that they took, the FBI also looked inside Trump's safe, which is very dramatic, like because apparently they had to break into it. All right, So now you're like, how do they do it? They did they blow it open or did they just correctly guess the cold or six nine sixty nine. Honestly, I've been surprised. I would actually be surprised if they found White House documents in Trump's safe, because the safe is where you keep your
most prized possessions. Yeah, so in my head, searching through Trump's safe would probably go a lot more like this. All right, guys, let's see what we have in here. All right, my god, the entire safe is just filled with macrib after macriv This is They're stacked on top of each other. This is I don't even understand. It's an unventilated safe. Who would do this? Wait? Wait, wait, hold on, there's a secret panel in the bottom. I think we found it. We just found no another macreb
Boyd's another mac rev. Now you might be wondering. You might be wondering, isn't this an extremely explosive situation for the United States? Yes, it is. It is. You don't want to let a former president get away with crimes right, because nobody in America is above the law except corporations and rich people and police and celebrities sometimes, but aside
from them, nobody is above the law. But at the same time, even the perception that the Justice Department is being used to go after your political opponents, that could erode people's trust in governments. So it's a really tricky situation and the only thing we can do is wait and see how the investigation unfolds. Oh, if you Fox News, you can just freak out right now. This is an abomination. This is gestapo crap.
It's probably the worst day in the history of the FBI.
This is a wake up call for those in Congress to be able to use the tools at their disposal to defund the FBI, dismantle the FBI into a thousand bits.
Representative Marjorie Taylor Green simply tweeting, defund the FBI. If this is what.
They're able to do to the former president of the United States, think about what.
They could do to you, to anybody in America.
The real target of this investigation isn't Trump.
The real target of this investigation is you.
Do we have a dual justice system in America, is there equal justice under the law.
I am deathly afraid for Donald Trump.
I would not put assassination behind these people. We're entering a Venezuelan Zimbabwean East German style Banana Republican which the law doesn't matter.
Okay, this is some third world bullshit right here. Let me say it again, third world bullshit. All right. First of all, as someone from the third world, maybe leave us out of your shit for once. Huh how about that? How that this the show world bullshit right here?
Here's your So.
Every time every time Americans want to call something in America that is that's corrupt, all of a sudden, they're like, oh, this is third world bullshit, my man. At what point do you realize that it's happening here, it's you, it's you. Bad things only happen in other countries when it's it's still happening in another country. In fact, when something happens in the actual third world. Yeah, these days, America's gotten so bad. People in Africa are like, are you kidding me?
This is just like America. Ah no, this place is turning into America. What are we doing here? What are we doing? But I do get what super Karen is saying if the FBI, if the FBI is going to go off the Trump for stealing classified documents from the White House, then what's to stop them from going after you when you steal classified documents from the White House. It's not the country we want to live in where anyone can be investigated just for the crime of doing crimes.
I don't think so. I don't think so. Remember how last week the FBI took an eight hour vacation from our alago and went home with the monster souvenirs. Well, we all had the same question. What were they looking for at Donald Trump's house this weekend? We all found out.
This morning the newly unsealed search warrant shedding light on what exactly FBI agents were looking for at Mara a Lago and what they seized. According to the documents made public by a federal judge, agents were searching for evidence of three potential crimes, violations of the Espionage Act, unlawful removal of public records, and obstruction of justice by concealing, altering,
or destroying records to impede an investigation. They found twenty seven boxes of government records, including eleven sets of classified documents. Four sets of documents were marked top secret and one marked top secret SCI, a classification reserved for some of the most sensitive intelligence and national security information, typically only viewed in a highly secure location.
Yeah, that's right. Turns how Trump didn't just have top secret documents, they were top secret SCI. What does SCI stand for? Youss? That's also top secret? You dumbass. I'll be honest. I didn't even know you could have a level of secret above top? Did you know this? Yeah? Also, don't think it makes sense, right, that's the point of top. If there's something above top, then top is middle, you know. Yeah, top is top. People like top gun, he's the best
fighter pilot. If someone else come in and then they're like, top a gun, I want my money back. That's not what I was promised not to mention. If something is top, but then we find out that there's something above that, then how do we know that that's not the final thing? Then there could be something above that, And then how do we know that there's not something above that? But because there's no top, like top has to be the top, then there's no end, and then like space time is
what infinite? And then do we even exist, Like, what does this mean? Who are we? I'm having I'm having a panic attack right now, Stop the show. Stop the So it turns out Donald Trump was in possession of top secret documents he wasn't supposed to have. And look, I'm not victim blaming here, but if you ask me, the government is partly it's responsible. They're partly responsible for
labeling the files top secret. Yeah, because think about it, nobody wants to read boxes of government documents, right, but if it says top secret on it, now everyone's interested. It's the same. So you don't label your porn folder porn, right, the government should do what we do. Just put secrets in a folder called Texas twenty twelve to twenty seventeen. I've done that my whole life. I only screw up was I did this when I was twelve years old, and then my mother was like, what texes are you
paying when you're twelve? And then she busted me for porn and tax evasion. Anyway, the point is, no matter what they label, Donald Trump wasn't supposed to have these documents at his house. And in case you're wondering why these documents are top top top top secret. We'll hold onto your butts because what Trump took home could blow them right off.
The Washington Post has reported that among the materials sought by federal agents was related to nuclear weapons programs.
If you get into nuclear related documents, that is the highest level.
It does not get any more serious than that.
Some of this could be information about adversaries. Some of this could be about nuclear weapon design. Some of this could be about our nuclear arsenals or our launch procedures.
Are you shooting me? Don'tald Trump might have kept the world's nuclear secrets in his basement at Mara A Lago, the same place Rudy Giuliani sleeps to avoid the sunlight. That is so irresponsible, because you realize the worst case scenario with these documents is that Trump sold them to like Saudi Arabia. The best case scenario is that he just lay in bed with them and rubbed him all over his naked body. Actually not, I'm gonna flip that worst case scenario is that he rubbed them naked on
his body. Hopefully he just sold them to the Saudis, hopefully hopefully. Oh and by the way, just today to addsw to this, wul saga. Trump posted that in the.
Raid by the FBI of Mara a Lago, they stole my three passports, one expired, along with everything else.
And I can see why Trump is pissed if they took his passports. I mean, he's the guy who wanted to build the wall and now he's going to need to sneak into Mexico. Come as a bitch. Also, also, why does Donald Trump even need a passports? There is no one on earth that looks or sounds like this man, no one. He could land on a distant planet and the aliens they would be we've seen TV welcome Donald Trauma.
He'd be like, thank you, now, please take me to your three boodua men.
And by the way, you do realize there's a fifteen percent chance Trump just misplaced his password, right, It's possible. It happens all the time. You think the FABI took something and you find in your sock drawer. Yeah, like, for all you know, maybe Milania moved them. You know, he was like, oh, no, I guess now I have to go back to Slovenia by myself. Bye, Donald Bye.
You know you know what's been the most fun, the most fun in All of this is how Trump and the Red Caps are working so hard to invent new excuses for why this crime wasn't a crime, because you remember when the story first broke, they were saying things like, there's nothing at mar Lago except a bunch of notes from Eric and if they did find something, the FBI messa planted it, well, forget all that, forget all of it.
That was like two days ago. They've got a fresh shipment of excuses today, starting with it was homework.
The former president is offering a new line of defense for taking these documents to his marlog A home. A statement released by Trump's office Friday night contends that everyone takes work home sometimes.
Yeah, now you know what, that's true. Everyone does take work home sometimes, but not Donald Trump. But man barely took work to work. And also, by the way, it's not taking work home with you if you no longer have the job, all right, can we agree on that? All right, you don't have the job, you can't take work home with Like if you get fired from your babysitting job, but you still go pick up the kid from school, that's just kidnapping. But if you don't like that,
excuse that's fine, that's fine. Trump's got another one, like, how about Obama?
President Trump has been making the baseless and false claim that former President Obama took more than thirty million classified documents when he left the White House.
Donald Trump tweeted that President Barack who's saying Obama kept thirty three million pages of documents, much of them classified?
How many of them pertained to nuclear word is lots? All right, Okay, first of all, this is just completely made up. In fact, the National Archives came out and said it is not true. But also for the sake of the argument, let's say it was true. These people are the same people who've spent fifteen years saying Obama is basically the devil. But then when they get into trouble, they're like, it's fine, we just did the same thing
as the Oh. And also, did you pick up that Barockhussein Obama has a nice little touch, Yeah, just to remind the people who he really is. I know what Trump is doing. He's trying to drum up old Islamophobia, but everybody knows that that's Barock's middle name. It doesn't sound nefarious anymore, you know, it just sounds like you're his mom, Barack Hussein Obama, you get down here and clean up this mess right now, coming mom. But but if you don't like that excuse, it's cool, baby, it's cool.
Trump's got another one for you. It's about how he declassified these documents in his mind, and a new defense emerged overnight from a conservative journalist tied to Trump, who read a statement from the former president's office.
He had a standing order that documents removed from the omal office and take you to the residence were deemed to be to classify at the moment he removed that.
Oh, that's an interesting excuse. Anything Trump took home with him was automatically declassified because he had a standing order. It's it's just super convenient that no one has ever heard about this rule until he got busted for having top secret documents at his house. But whatever, I've actually heard this defense before.
Yeah.
Usually it's when people get busted for having an affair. You know, they'd be like, no, actually, I didn't cheat on you. I had already broken up with you in my mind on the way to their house, and then on the way home, I decided to give us another chance. Come here, baby, I forgive you I forgive you. I forgive you. So there you have it, three brand new fresh excuses. What oh that's not enough for you? Oh your particular Okay, I see, then maybe what you need is a little bit of this.
NBC as a peace out, quoting sources that say the chaotic nature of Donald Trump's exit from the White House contributed to sensitive documents being taken tomorrow lago.
And there were reports that Trump packed in a rush. Quote when it finally dawned on Donald Trump and the twilight of his presidency that he wouldn't be living at the White House for another four years, he had a problem. He had barely packed and had to move out quickly.
Oh my god. Oh this is the greatest excuse of all time. Trump's people are saying, because he didn't think he was leaving the White House, he packed in a hurry when he left. Yeah. Yeah, he was so busy planning the coup he didn't even think about packing. Is that what happened. It's like, guys, I wasn't trying to steal these documents. I was trying to steal the election. Why would I pack when I thought I'd have another channel?
Twenty years in the White House. It makes no sense, howll lo Ever, since the FBI raided the broom closet where Donald Trump was keeping America's most important national security secrets, We've all been wondering what exactly Trump was hiding there, And over the weekend we finally got a detailed down of what the FBI took away. There were thirty one documents labeled confidential, there were fifty four labeled secret, and
eighteen labeled top secrets. Yeah, and even better than that, agents found those documents intermingled in the same boxes as magazine clippings and clothing. So I guess Trump has a legal problem and a hoarding problem, Like what is It's almost like after the FBI is done with Trump, they did to send in Marie Kondo, you know, just to be like, does this nineteen eighty seven copy of Playboy spark joy? Donald?
It does?
It sparked so much joy, so much joy.
But even more concerning is that the FBI also found dozens of classified folders that were empty, which obviously raises the question where are the documents from the folders? Are they in other boxes? Did he lend them to Saudi Arabia? Or maybe maybe it's more innocent. Maybe Trump just keeps a bunch of folders label classified so you can give them friends with photocopies of his butt inside. I mean, that's a good joke. That's a good joke. You're like,
what's in here? Aha. It's also possible the intelligence community didn't trust Trump with classified information, so they just gave him anty folders. We don't know. Yeah, it could just be like, sure, these documents are so secret, we made them invisible. He's just like.
Incredible, just like all the love letters Millennia sends me.
I get it, totally get it. But nobody knows what Trump was doing with these files and folders, and now it might be a lot longer until we find out.
The criminal investigation into those classified documents found at mar A Lago is temporarily on hold as a result of this twenty four page order, where a Florida federal judge granted former President Trump's request that authorizes the appointment of a special master an independent observer, to review what the FBI seized from the Trump estate last month.
The special master would separate any items that might be protected by claims of attorney client privilege or executive privilege.
The judge said to deadline of Friday for both sides in this case, Trump and the DOJ to propose a list of candidates they want to be special Master.
Now. The judge also said in this ruling that dj cannot use these documents at all as part of its criminal investigation until this review is completed. Yeah, that's right. A judge in Florida has decided to appoint an independent observer to go through all of the documents and determine which ones or off limits to investigators. And that person is called a special Master, which I'm not gonna lie. When I first heard it sounded pretty cool. There's like
Donald Trump is getting a special Master. He's like he's a Botolan kung fu. It's be like, hmm, I am your special Master, and you Donald at my students, like, great, can you teach me chopsticks? And what's going to be really interesting is who they pick for this job. Because the judge gave each side until Friday to submit a
list of suggestions together. Right, So basically the judge is going, Trump, you send us a list of who you think should review the documents, and then, like the Justice Department, you do the same thing. And then I guess the judge is hoping that they'll overlap, but I don't know. I feel like the Department of Justice is going to submit the names of like former attorney generals and FBI directors, and then the list from Trump's side is going to be like Jared the Hamburglar, a paper shred on top
of her toilets. You know. But you know, once again, Donald Trump is exposed the part of America that I'm willing to bet nobody knew existed. Nobody did you know about a special master, any of you? Huh? I didn't even know it was an option. I've watched ten million hours of lloy and Order. I know about subpoenas, I know about breaking the chain of custody, objections sustained over rules sidebard in my chambers, but not once have I
heard the term special master. Well, once again, thanks to Trump, because of his hard work and dedication to doing crimes, we've all learned something new today. And I said, thank you, mister President. That's right. Let's kick things off with the ongoing legal troubles of America's forty fifth president, Donald Jurisdiction Trump the only former president with a side gigs selling
bidazzled classified documents on Etsy. You see. Trump is still being investigated by the Justice Department for keeping over one hundred classified documents in a closet at Mara Lago, pretty much the least secure place in the world outside of Adam Levine's DMS. And Trump and Trump World has been coming up with all kinds of defenses for what he did.
They said, Oh, the FBI plans are the evidence. They said, everyone takes work home with them, and then they said Trump was trying to protect the documents from Nicholas Cage. But last night's Last Night, during an interview with Sean Hannity, Trump came up with a new excuse that may have topped them all.
I defy In Donald Trump pushing back, the former president is insisting he had the power to be classified documents sees from his Maraologo home just by thinking about it.
If you're the president of the United States, you can declass if I just by saying it's declassified, even by thinking about it. And there doesn't have to be a process. There can be a process, but there doesn't.
Have to be well. Hold on, holdo, holdo, holdo, Donald Trump can declassify documents with his brain. How he can't even read documents with his brain? How does this happen? I really hope that I can make things happen with my mind. Is going to be their actual argument at the trial? That would be great, your honor, the defendant
pleads Jedi. So Trump is saying that he declassified these documents just by thinking about it, which I don't even believe, because that will be the first time in his life that Trump has thought something and not said it out loud. Think about it. This is a man who thought to himself, Oh, if I wasn't related to my daughter, I would date her. And then he told everyone on TV. He set it
out of his mouth. And by the way, by the way, if this all happened in his head, you do realize that means now the FBI is going to have to raid his brain for the evidence. That's going to be a nightmare for them. Oh guys, all right, let's see what we have in here. Wow, it's a lot of bikinis. A lot of bikinis in here. Miss American in a bikini? Is that putin in a bikini? A hamburger in a bikini? What's hold up? Hold up? I think I found the documents.
I got them, the classified documents, but they're in a bikini.
Now.
If we had more time, we could talk about the massive ramifications of Donald Trump having a superpower that only applies to documents. But we don't have the time because in that same interview, he gave a different excuse that was even more mind buggling.
Here is Donald Trump's new theory revealed just an hour ago about what the f the I was really looking for with their search warrant.
There's also a lot of speculation because of what they did, the severity of the FBI coming and raiding mar A Lago. Were they looking for the Hillary Clinton emails that were deleted but they are around someplace.
Were they looking for the spies? No? No, they may be saying they may have thought that it was in me. Okay, wait, wait, wait what what? Even Sean Harry, He's like wait, I'm sorry, man, I roll with you, but I don't understand, Like what, I'm so confused. So is Trump saying the FBI rated his house to find Hillary's emails? So they didn't want the documents he declassified with his mind, No, they wanted the emails. He couldn't find but that he actually had
the whole time at his house. Because Donald Trump is Hillary Clinton. What? So America already did elect this first female president? What?
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