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This is The Daily Show with your host Calpen.
Welcome to The Daily Show.
I'm Cowpen and it's Taylor Swift's birthday. Finally, finally, a day where everyone can celebrate her.
It's about time.
All right, we got a great show for you tonight, So let's get into the headlines.
Let's not.
Let's begin with the twenty twenty four presidential race, a decision that will come down to how deeply Americans hold the very democracy that sustands our society.
And also stuff like.
This tonight, the former president Donald Trump fundraising off his mugshot again. He's now offering people the chance to buy this quote historic gift just in time for Christmas.
Mugshot edition.
That's what they call it digital trading cards, and if you buy forty seven of them, you will get a piece of the suit Trump war when his mugshot was taken. Now to do all of that, it will run you about four six hundred dollars.
My last two Trump digital trading card collection sold out in just hours. And now I'm back with my latest series called the Mugshot Edition.
It is an.
Authentic piece of the suit I wore when I took that now famous mugshot. And it was a great suit, believe me, a really good suit. So we'll cut up and you're going to get a piece of it. I'll be autographing some of them. A true collector's item. This is something to give to your family, to your kids and grandchildren.
Oh yes, what a perfect gift for the dad.
You stopped talking to.
I wish that I loved anything as much as Trump loves scamming his own supporters.
And look, if you're thinking, oh.
This isn't funny, He's tricking people out of their hard earned money for pieces of fabric from indicted men's warehouse, Let's be honest. Okay, It's not like this money was gonna otherwise end up in a roth Ira. It was either an NFT of Trump or a second pet snake. In fact, the popularity of these NFTs makes me think that Biden should run.
This video as a campaign ad, because you can afford to rite.
If you can afford to blow five grand on a piece of a suit with mustard stains, the economy must be doing pretty good, and I'm I.
Will I will confess something to y'all.
I actually think these are all really pretty cool cards.
Trump as a soldier, Trump with life and.
Hands, Trump as a robot.
But like, why don't.
Any of these cards show off his amazing policy accomplishments, Like where's a card showing Trump tackling a doctor who's about to perform an abortion? Like where's the one of him heroically catapulting a refugee child far away from his family?
Oh?
Was that too much for you?
Or how about one of him patriotically lighting a tiki torch for a neo Nazi.
Ah, Yeah, those was the days, y'all, Those was the days. Second term is gonna be great.
All right, let's move on from something that's destroying America to something that's destroying the whole world. Climate change very uplifting for you tonight. I'm telling you, everyone knows that it's time to stop talking and do something about the climate crisis. And that's just what the nations of the world are talking about doing.
And historic deal has just been announced that the cop Tour and Shake Climate Conference in Dubai. It urges nations so the first time to transition away from fossil fuels.
So the most significant thing about this is that agreement to transition away from fossil fuels, and in the twenty eight years of these summits, this is the first time the final agreement actually uses the words fossil fuels.
Now.
Other key points of this deal include a call to triple the amount of renewable energy sources worldwide by twenty thirty while relying less on fossil fuels, and achieve what's known as net zero carbon emissions globally by mid century. And in the end, these are just words on paper. What matters now is whether or not nations quickly cut their planet warming emissions.
That's right, the world's nations pledged net zero emissions by twenty fifty, which is fantastic, But they also offered no plan to enforce it, which is not fantastic. This agreement is basically like when you tell a former coworker that you should.
Get together sometime. Yeah, we should totally grab a drink. Definitely by twenty fifty.
I'll take.
Even holding the conference in one of the oil capitals of the world was a major for you to climate change. It's like celebrating Hanukkah at Kanye's house. Like, Look, I'm not saying Cop twenty eight was a bad idea itself, like people's instaposts look super fun, but maybe there should be some consequences for not achieving your goals aside from you know, like the whole world ending thing. Either way, look, congratulations Cop twenty eight. You may not have solved.
The climate crisis, but.
You didn't not not not solve it. And finally, let's talk about jerrymandering. It's the reason some congressional districts in America look like a rorshack test. Well, that one just looks like my kindergarten teacher yelling at me. Jerrymandering is when politicians draw districts to help their party win, because the alternative is winning on your ideas, and that's like
way harder. With Congress so closely divided, control of the House could hinge on which party jerrymanders the best, which is why a court decision in New York could change everything. New York's highest court has thrown out the state's congressional map, a ruling scene as a major win for Democrats.
The new maps to be drawn by the independent Redistricting Commission could give Democrats a shot to take back the US House High Court ruled last year that Democrats had unconstitutionally jerrymandered districts. A neutral court appointed special master drew new lines that help Republicans flip four seats last November, but judges today said those maps were only supposed to be temporary, and in a four to three vote, the Court of Appeals upheld a challenge and tossed out the current maps.
That's right, New York's highest court is letting Democrats jerrymander again, which is not good for democracy unless it helps democrats protect democracy, in which case, being bad for democracy is good for democracy.
I'm so confused.
Oh my kindergarten teacher was right, I am stupid. The question is is it unethical for Democrats to engage in jerrymandering? And to debate this moral dilemma, we turned to Ronnie Chang and desie Lydek.
Ronnie, let me actually start with you, should.
Democrats be doing the thing they've always criticized Republicans for.
Of course not cow and after that question and I mean no disrespect, but I've lost all respect for you, Like Trump says like Trump says about his sons. Two wrongs don't make a right. Okay. In the Olympics, when Russia guests caught doping, we punish them. We don't let every other country start doping. All that would do is create a world of athletes with tiny balls the size of sesame seats.
Okay, that's a fair point, Dessie.
What do you think, well, cal In my professional opinion, I think Ronnie should stop being such a little bitch. When your opponent plays dirty, you throw on your brass knuckles and punch him right in the sesame seeds. You don't stand there complaining about the rules. You take the
rule book, you rip it in half. You show half of it down their throats and the other half up their butts, and then the whole book is in their stomach while your arms are still in there and you're just playing them like an accordion until you.
Win back the house.
Does he that's gross?
Thank you?
Okay. See, this is the problem with America. Okay. Every solution is just more of the same problem. That's how you end up with an app on your phone to tell you you're using your phone too much. You children, Where does this end?
Does it?
Where does it end?
It doesn't end, Ronnie.
In fact, why should Democrats stop at jerrymanderin hell? Stack the court, steal the election, go to third base during beetlejuice?
Why do the Republican you need to have all the fun?
DOESI? That is anarchy?
Yeah, but they started it.
Cal.
It's like I said to that tow truck driver, if you're gonna take my car, I'm taking yours. My car was already attached, so now I got two cars.
Path checks out.
Cal. This is the slippery slope I'm talking about. Okay. This great nation that I've lived in on and off for a few years was founded on principles. And when we give up those principles, whatever they are, we give up on ourselves.
It's a beautiful sentiment, Ronnie.
Yeah, that's a beautiful sentiment.
Ronnie had Man.
Have just jerrymandered your box?
Bitch? No, wha?
What the hell?
Who my box? Hey? Caw do something?
Make me complet Tessilny can ride chang everybody?
When did they come back?
We discover Santa's terrible secret. So don't go away.
Welcome back to the Daily Show. It's almost time for Santa's trip around the world. And if you've ever wondered how he makes all those toys, well the answer is a bit disturbing.
Merry Christmas, Yeah, yeah, mayor Merry Christmas?
Wait?
Why are you so skinny?
Oh?
Oh mpic, Santa's got a revenge body.
Wait?
Hey, what happened all the toys?
Yeah?
Listen, Santa, we have to talk. There are no toys. We don't have any money left for toys.
Money, no, no, no, We make the toys.
Get a whole little trains and dolls, we build for would and dreams and lead based paint.
This is in the eighteen twenties anymore, old man. Okay, kids want iPads and game consoles and roadblocks whatever that is, and we need to buy that shit. Okay, you're gonna canna hammer out ps five.
Of this, dude, what do you what do you say?
I'm saying this workshop is a whole hopes. We've been borrowing money for seventy years to buy real toys that kids want, and now the bank is demanding repayment.
Well, how much do we owe?
Oh Jesus, holy shit, I'll have to sell my body.
Okay, we don't have to go right to that.
Okay, okay, what if I kill myself for the insurance money?
No, maybe, if you're gonna do that, you might as well sell your body and then kill yourself.
That way you can get toys in the money.
Jingle, jingle, Nicholas, it's the bank.
Shit, it's the bank.
Reps.
We have more time.
But if the bank know where we live, all the male just as North hold.
Rays Santa, just stopping by to see where our money is.
Well, it's coming, Okay, it's coming. We just need a little more time.
Oh do you do you need a little more time?
Okay, this is my fault.
We just don't have the money.
Oh okay, no problem. That's what collateral's for.
Repo this leigh, turn this place into a cinemam and sell the elves to Apple.
Listen, listen, missus bank, Please think of the children. You're gonna break their little hearts.
Hey, what do we do with me?
Shoot them? Sell them meat?
Don't do that?
Come on, what about the Christmas spirit?
Wait? What's this?
It's a list of which gift each good boy and girl is.
Going to get this Christmas?
Do you realize the insider trading we could do with this thing?
Is that like super illegal, like they would ever arrest a finance executive.
How about this? You give me this list and I give you more time to get our money.
Okay, deal, And so Santa and as Mary Elf chopped up the body of the banking executor, the vetted to the raindeer, and Christmas was saved until next year.
But that's next Year's probably married Christmas to one in all.
When we come back, Mike Masamino will be joining me on the show Don't Go Away.
Welcome back to the Daily Show.
My guest tonight is a former NASA astronaut and New York Times bestselling author who's here to talk about his latest book, Moonshot, a NASA Astronaut's guide to Achieving the Impossible. Please welcome Mike Massimino. Man uh okay, I am.
I am a huge.
Space nerd okay. Most of my tattoos are space related from Voyager one on. I knew when I was backstage that I needed to like come up with very smart, engaging questions for you. You've been to space twice, and so I wrote a bunch of them down. But I just got to ask your help coolness to go to space.
And it's pretty cool. Yes, cool. I would say the coolest part though, of it was getting a chance of spacewalk. It's pretty cool inside the spaceship you're doing some work and looking out the window, floating around. It's kind of cool. But you go outside in a space suit. Now the whole world opens up to you. You can see the planet and how beautiful it is. And when I first saw the planet from a spacewalk, you can kind of see it. It's an entire to you see the curvature
of it. And I thought to myself, it's so beautiful. It's more beautiful than human eyes can withstand. I shouldn't be looking at this, and I actually turned my head, don't look at it. And then I said, you idiot, of course you're supposed to look at it. What you're gonna get here? So I looked again and I started.
I just got overcome with emotion. I started to tear up a little bit cal and then I got petrified because if you introduced water into your space suit, it could cause a problem and there would be an investigation. And I have to admit that I would cry, and there's no crying in space. Your friends will make fun of you. But the third time I looked, the thought that went through my mind was this is a view
from heaven. This is a heavenly view. And then it was replaced by another thought, which was, this is what heaven must look like. I think we're living in an absolute paradise. You can also see the thinness of the atmosphere. You turn about global warming. You know that atmosphere, that thin line. If you think of the Earth as an onion, that top thin layer of the onion is the size relationship of our atmosphere to the rest of our planet. That's the only thing that's keeping us alive.
You know.
You look the other direction, you see the earth here, and you look out here, and you see the darkness. Kind of cool, you see, star We checked out the neighborhood. Man, We've got nowhere to go. We've got to make this planet work.
When you're I mean, when you're up there, Look, you give me chills when you were talking about that. When you look at the world. I think most of us, you know, we feel like things are kind of shitty right now. You know, there are a lot of problems. Yeah, do you have hope when you're up there and you look at things.
It sounds like you only fall.
At on the beauty. Yeah, absolutely, because I think you see the Earth the way it's supposed to be seen. From that vantage point, you just you just see a beautiful creation. And I had the sense, I really do believe we're living in a paradise.
Now.
People will mess it up, right. We do lots of bad things to each other, and there's a lot of bad stuff going on. But I think there is that possibility for happiness and love and beauty, and we should try to remember that every day. Every day I try to remember that view and apply it here on Earth. You know, whether I'm on the New York City subway or I'm looking at the ocean, you know, wherever it is, there's beauty everywhere.
You.
I was reading this.
You got rejected from the NASA space program three times. Did you have a plan that at a certain point you were going to give up?
Or how did you persevere thing?
No, I'd still be trying now. I think I don't think I was first. So NASA puts out a call for astronaut applications every couple of years. They still do that for those who are interested. The first time I applied, I got a letter back that said no. Right, I applied again, and I got another le back a few years after that first time that said no with an exclamation point. But I kept try. A third time I got an interview. So the interview is not just an interview,
but it's also a bunch of medical exams. And I was medically disqualified because of my eyesight. I couldn't pass the medical exam, the eye exam, and it was pretty disheartening because once you're disqualified, they said they won't even read my application again, and they didn't accept any medical procedures. But I found out about vision training, so little kids, when their eyes are still developing, if they have eye issues, they can go through training and improve their eye muscles
in their vision. And I made an appointment with them, an optometrist, and she sees me sitting in a chair and she goes, I've never worked with an adult, And I said, doctor hopping, I can be sore mature. You won't know the difference. Please. I begged her to help me, and she did, and I was able to pick up a couple of lines just so I could try again. At least I couldn't submit again. And I got another interview, and then I got picked on the fourth trot, so I'd still be going at it.
When I was in seventh strade, Yeah, I went to space Camp. It was the subtle manner at Space Camp. I wanted to be an astronaut and they told me there the whole vision thing at the time. At the time wore contact lenses, so I was like, oh, I guess I can't be an astronaut. And then later I was like, oh, also, I'm bad at science and math, so like that's probably yeah.
The other party, I should never let things stop you from at least try, and you see that, you know, there you go.
You recently, I think commended Congress for investigating UFOs or at least sort of all that. Whenever I see these stories on TV, I feel like everybody just thinks of like aliens coming down here, right, and no one ever talks about the difference between life that that seems to exist, Drake equation and all of that out there versus intelligent life and the possibility that intelligent life could have visited us.
Can you walk us through what each of those things are and why there's so much hype around it.
I think well, the the congressional thing with NASA has been doing is looking into UAPs. There used to be UFOs I kind of like UFO, yeah right, but now the UAP unidentified aerial phenomenon. And so they put together a pretty good committee on that, very very reputable people, and they came up with the finding that about ninety five percent of the sightings can be explained, but they're still that five percent we don't know what it is.
That doesn't mean it's ET coming to visit, you know, it's probably a weather phenomenon, or maybe some other aircraft they don't recognize, or a drone or something. So I think it's good to trying to find out what that five percent of whatever they don't know is yet that's flying around here. The intelligent life versus the signs of life. The intelligent life is like ET showing up. There's no real evidence of that happening yet, and we don't really have the ability to go that far to find anybody.
So they got to come find us. We need, you know, they need whoever it is, they've got to come and find us. I think that day will probably happen sometime. It hasn't happened yet, but the search for life even within our own solar system, which I find very intriguing. We thought that, like, for example, the way out at the end of our solar system, some of the moons that are out there around Jupiter, we thought they were
just frozen blocks of ice. And what we find is that they are warmer than we expected, and there's probably oceans underneath that ice, and we think that life began and the oceans here on our planet. So who knows what could be going on. There probably not any real life that we would think, or intelligent life, but even just those building blocks being that close to us, I think gives us hope that there's probably somebody else out there.
There are billions of galaxies with billions of stars in each, most of which have multiple planets orbiting around those stars. I think, I can't imagine we're the only ones here in the universe. But we still haven't found each other yet.
That's star as wedding. I mean, I hope we do in our life time.
I'd be very excited when it happens. That's going to be big news.
I wanted to ask you huge news. I mean, I was secretly just hoping you you roll in here like, all right, let me tell you something.
No, I don't have in the program. I can tell you no I wish I could. No I have nothing like that. Oh that's fine, Well, big news man. I think it's hard to cover that one up. You know, we're going to find out about we know. I agree.
I am not going to ask you how do you poop in space? Because that's childish. Yeah, I am going to ask you how do you poop in space? Because I'm genuinely interested.
Yes, it's it's actually a pretty interesting process and requires a lot of training.
Really.
Yeah, we would get trained, so we're doing to show up on your schedule. When you're going to fly in space. You get rendezvous training and robotics training and space there would be potty training, that's what they called it, potty training.
And we had simular We had the Space Shuttle toilet that we would get trained on and in the simulator in the little training facility we had, we had the real toilet that you could actually practice pooping in because you want to practice everything, And we also had another another toilet next with that you wentn't poop in that was used to practice alignment because the key for pooping
in space was getting a very small target. It's not a big flush toilet, Okay, It's a little opening, and you like open this little window to it and you look, you look down. It's very small, so you've got to be properly aligned.
Okay.
Okay, So to practice that, this is where the instructors would lead the training for the area. You lock the door. There was a camera inside of this clan. You look at your whole Look, I can't I don't have nothing for you on aliens, but I've got this. Okay, this is the truth. These are the real deep dark secrets at VATSA. They want you to talk about UFOs because then what you know about this stuff. Okay, so this is real stuff. Okay. So you have to with this
camera looking up right. You have a short circuit TV right there, a little TV, and you practice your alignment to make sure that you're right in the center of where that opening is. And then the instructors what they told us was memorize that body position because when you get to space, you want to you can't see what's going on. There's I got to be a camera down there.
You have to.
So what I remember was I'm writing a chopper. That's what I folly. I'm riding a chopper. And I replicated that in space, and we would get that training right to refresh us right before we'd go to the cape. Was very important. I was cueued into this cowboy. Very famous astronaut John Young, remember on your Lot went to the Moon. He flew in space six times as the first commander of the Shuttle. He walked on the Moon. Only twelve people walked on the Moon. He was still
an active astronaut. He was in his late sixties when I joined NASA. I'm flying in a T thirty eight with him, just the two of us, and we got to know each other, and I asked him what was the What was the moon like? John and if ily worked up dinner? What was it like on the moon? And he says, Mike, I tell you the best thing about it is you can finally take a shit. You can finally take it. And I go, what you know? What's out about? He goes, Mike, go find out in space.
You know your gravity helps us with a digestion. And you're floating around in zero gravity for a couple of days and you just can't move anything. You get on the moon, that one sixth gravity is just enough so you can let go.
It's like very helpful advice, very important, very important. Your book is fantastic.
I read it the day it came out. I would love for you to quickly talk about the thirty second roll.
I thought that was right. Yeah, So thirty second role is when you make a mistake. You don't want to make mistakes, but you're are going to make mistakes. You don't want to ruminate over them for a long period of time. Take yourself out of living, you know, because you're so upset with yourself. But it's okay. I think to be upset. So what I learned in my training was when you make a mistake, and I use this in space, you make a mistake, oh man, that was
a terrible mistake. You can feel upset, but cap it at thirty seconds. So thirty seconds to beat yourself up, call yourself names, just be brutal to yourself. Don't vocalize any of this because you'll scare the people next to you. Just keep it internally. But after that thirty seconds is over, it's over. You've had your little rant. It's time to move on.
I had.
I had an acting teacher throughout a similar rule. She would say, if you screw up an audition, and you will screw up many, give yourselves twenty four hours to get over it, because you know we're like super dramatic actors are crazy. We're just crazy, right, So you'd go three weeks beating yourself up over something. She's like, no, twenty four hours. It sounds like the thirty second rule is like perfect for actually smart scientists people.
Rest of us are too self absorbed. We need a full twenty four hours. So thank you for sharing that for us.
Try the thirty second I'm gonna I'm gonna try it.
Mike Massive, everybody make thanks you, honey, what are you take a quick trank? King back right up for this from this coming.
Thank you. This is really.
That's our show for tonight.
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