Trevor Noah's Daily Show Debut

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September twenty eight, twenty fifteen, from Comedy Central's World News headquarters in New York.

This is The Daily Show with Trevor NOAs. Welcome to the Daily Show. Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm Trevor Noha. Thank you so much for joining us. I'll first guest to meet at rock Stalk Kevin Hart.

That's right, Kevin Hart is joining us today. So before we get started, Before we get start, I just wanted to say a few things. First of all, this is surreal for me.

I'm not gonna lie.

Growing up in the dusty streets of South Africa, I never dreamed that I would one day have well, two things, really, and indoor toilets and a job as of the Daily Show.

And now I have both, and I'm quite comfortable with one of them.

So you know what the truth is.

Now I'm in the chair, and I can only assume that this is as strange for you as it is for me. John Stewart was more than just a late night host. He was often our voice, our refuge, and in many ways, our political dad.

And it's weird because dad has.

Left and now and now it feels like the family has a new step.

Dad and he's black, which is not ideal.

I also know that many people have questions, For example, why isn't a woman hosting the show, because surely it's about time. Well, it turns out that Comedy Central did ask women host, and the woman they asked turned the job down because they all had better things to do and clearing you something I didn't. Also, why didn't they get an American to host? And again Comedy Central tried and those people also declined, And so once more, a job Americans rejected is now being done by an immigrant.

Thank you, Thank you for believing in me.

I'm not quite sure what you saw in me, but I'll work hard every day to find it, and I'll make you not look like the crazy old dude who left his inheritance to some random kid from Africa. And to you, the Daily Show viewer, both new and old, at home or on your phone, thank you for joining us as we continue the war on bullshits.

Wow.

Now, seeing as this is my first show, we wanted to start it off with something a little lights So here we go Syria.

Just kidding, it's the Pope.

Yeah, Hope Francis captivates.

The Capital for more than twenty thousand people at Madison Square Garden, eighty thousand at Central Park.

One million people in Philadelphia, lack.

A rock star was arriving.

Hope Mania, hopa Palooza, Pope Chella, Hope by Southwest, the World Series.

Of poper and what do you give to the Pope that has Everything?

There have been a number of new emojis created to commemorate this trip, including one of the Pope kissing a baby and another one of him eating a sub I'm assuming it's a Philly cheese steak.

Finally, Hope mojis for when you want to inject just the rights amounts of confusion into your late night sexting sub girl you up because eggplant Winki face cartoon Pope like sea steaks.

But like figuring that one out.

But in quieter moments, his holiness wanted to talk politics.

Climate change is a problem. Protate the vulnerable in our world. As the son of an immigrant family.

I'm happy to be a guest in this country which was largely built by such families.

Yeah, hates inequality and climate change, loves immigrants. He's like a young Bernie Sanders. And from the moments he arrived, Francis showed that he rolls humble.

After being greeted by the President, the Vice President, and an adoring crowd at Andrews Air Force Pace, he was whisked away in a tiny Fiat dwarfed by the Secret Service vehicles surrounding him.

Oh that's a tiny ca.

Somebody's undercompensate, saying, I'm saying the Pope is a.

Huge That was the joke. I'm saying.

That's the joke, and what a waste.

But how much?

How much could the Pope really do in one weekend? Would he have a really lasting effect on America?

Well, the truth is he did.

The Meltway bombshell House Speaker John Bayner abruptly resigning from Congress.

The move comes a day after Bayner, a devout Catholic, welcomed the pope to the US capital.

O why leave now? I just got here.

I got a fancy suits and a new set, and I learned how to pronounce.

Your name Bayner. Now, now, I know this wasn't the biggest news of the weekend.

I mean there was huge news out there, blood red Moon, the tragic Fetti WAP accident hashtag pray for Fetti, and of course the Mets made the playoffs.

Yeah, I don't know what that is, but John told me it would work.

Now to understand why Bena leaving is such a big deal, you have to understand what a big deal Bena was.

The Speaker controls the floor of the House, and you can't bring anything up without really his say.

So that's right.

You cannot make it lay in America without the Speaker's approval. John Bayna has final say about which laws come in and which laws don't. He's basically the bouncer at Club Congress, which is probably the worst club ever. I mean, yeah, first of all, there's hardly any woman in the club. There's always a bunch of old guys talking about laying pipe. Oh and and everyone at the club has aids. That's uh, aids, the people that help you. You are discovered two legs.

In a row. He made most of the Bush.

Tax cuts permanent, and he deports a taco Tuesdays from the cafeteria menu.

You know who had a tough job.

Republican candidate Marco Rubio, who had to break the bad news to a room of conservatives just.

A few minutes ago Speaker Bayer announced that he will be resigning.

Oh okay, that did not go how I thought.

And just by the way, that that right there, that is the face of a man who's not used to getting applauds.

Look at him, look at his nice He's like, what are you doing with your harms? What is going on?

Well, let me explain to you, Rubio, No, they have not made you popular.

Overnights.

That was last weekend's value Voter Summits, a gathering of some of the radical conservatives who shut down the government over Obamacare in twenty thirteen and the same people who wanted to shut it down again overplanned parenthood this very week.

And for Bner, this was the last straw.

Throughout his nearly five year tenure.

He struggled with a fractured and more conservative Republican caucus.

Bayner has clashed with unruly hardline conservatives who felt he was too willing to compromise.

What they meant is at all willing to compromise. You see, for this faction, even John Bayner, the man once ranked the eighth most conservative men and men in Congress, wasn't right wing enough. It's like a crack telling meth that is not addictive enough.

Oh man, you.

Gotta step your game up, Crystal, you make teeth fall out, big deal.

Down Whitney Houston too soon.

So the radicals finally got what they wanted. John Baina is very tan head on a plate. And now that the turmoil is all over, what.

Is the results?

Turmoil is going to get a lot worse and even worse climate, more.

And not less confrontational.

The next speaker is going to face the same problems that Bayner did.

The same problems that include a hair trigger set of tear ducts that go if anytime a child picks a flower. From on this we go to Senior Congressional Correspondent Jordan Klepper.

Everyone love what's next with the outgoing speaker?

Look a man like Bayner is going to have a lot of options. We're down the hill as he's thinking of becoming a professional onion slicer.

Obviously, he'd be great as a.

Seat filler at a funeral or Claire Danes impersonator.

And I guess more importantly, Jordan, what are you hearing about who will replace Bener? I mean, wow, those are big shoes to fill.

Oh well, I'm sure they'll find someone extremely qualified.

Oh yeah, Jordan, but this is John Bayna. I mean, whoever takes that job will probably full flats on their face in front of the entire nation.

Yeah.

I get how you're feeling. You know, taking over for John Bayner is hard. You know, it doesn't have to be a disaster.

I don't know about that, Jordan.

I can already hear everyone saying the thing, John please come back.

Okay, yeah, sure, yes, okay, Yes, everyone's feeling nostalgia for the old leader. But maybe the new guy will surprise us and.

Just crush it. You know.

I feel like if he's gonna he's gonna kill it. I I bet I'll bring a new global perspective to things.

I'm sorry, global, What are you talking about? I just keep in global. I don't know what it means global. I hear viral and youth. I mean everything's just so new.

I mean the desk is different, there's a new font.

I mean, nobody asked me. Hey, Jordan, Jordan shortan Shordan.

I only hope the new Speaker of the House knows that certain people are.

Depending on him. Oh, I just bought a condom. Okay, what I buy? What I buy a condo?

Or Calm down, Calm down, Jordan, I see what's happening. You are really intensely passionate about politics.

I get it. Damn it. He's a idiot.

Shit, Honey, you're gonna have to sell the condom.

All right, Jordan, thanks so much for that. Jordan. Clap everyone. We'll be right back. Welcome back to the Daily Show. Now.

People keep asking me if I'm going to bring more of an international perspective to the Daily Show, but I say, screw that. I'm going into planetary NASA announcing today they have proof that liquid water is flowing on the surface of Mars. You mean this, but up there, great news for NASA, depressing news for California. Don't worry, California, They'll find water on you too someday. But you know, the water isn't the exciting part. It's what the water could mean that's exciting.

The discovery of a free flowing water source on the planet means that demanded mission to Mars could soon get off the ground.

Yeah.

A new planet to colonize, and just when we found out that Folkswagen has secretly been destroying the Earth.

Perfect timing. Nicely done, guys.

With more on this groundbreaking discovery, we turn to one of the Daily Show's newest correspondents at the Kennedy Space Center.

Please welcome Roywood Junior. Everyone. Thanks Trevor, Roy. What can you tell us about these new developments?

I can tell you that I don't give a shit.

Okay, seriously, Roy, I mean this is a pretty big deal.

Look, man, every couple of years on Mars, NASA finds a face in the dirt, a tire track. Now they found a little washing runoff.

Water, Trevor. They want us to be excited about motherfuck.

Water, Roy, Roy, Think of what water on Mars means to us here on Earth. Man, This could be a whole new inhabitable planet we could build Colin.

Oh no, no, leave Mars alone, Trevor. The universe is like an apartment complex, Okay, and NASA's just going around knocking on random doors letting themselves in. What because the Fawcet works, we're allowed to live there?

Look, yeah, you have with Roy? Think about this.

Doesn't this raise the possibility that one day people could live on Mars?

People like but me and you? How I'm gonna get there? Brother can't catch a cab. You think we can catch a stake him?

No, Roy, Roy, that's wrong, that's wrong.

We're deserving as anyone.

Black people ain't going to Mars, and that includes you, Trevor. Oh oh oh oh you think is you on TV? They gonna take you to Mars. You've only had the Daily Show for one commercial break. These white folks ain't decided if they like you yet.

I'll tell you.

Though, I'll tell you what black people are going to Mars. I'll tell you's going Beyonce, Oprah and Michael Strahan.

Oh wait, any Michael Strahan?

White people have anything killer rippolites?

I see.

So, so you don't ever want to go to Mars?

Okay, fine, maybe eventually, but I don't want to go first. You won't never want to be the first black person to be in a Black Pioneer is stressful. I don't want to be the Jackie Robinson of Mars. A bunch of Martians yelling the.

N word at me? How did they even learn the work? Right? That's that's a mess, generous. I don't say that, Roy, That's wrong. Roy would JUNI everyone, We'll be right back. Ruscin's allowed, rightless, Roy, We're going welcome back.

My guest tonight is a very funny comedian who is currently on his What Now Comedy Tour. The tour will go international beginning in January. His new film Right Along To will also be out in January. Please welcome Kevin Harts.

How are you, man? That's a hello, Hello, thank you. I've brought you. I've brought you a gift, man. Yes, man, I'm a classy guy. It's your first show kicked off. Open it up. That's a nice gift.

Open it that's a nice gift.

No one's ever brought me a gift. You open it up first, to stop opening like, you're not from the States. What is this? What it open?

Man?

Yeah? There you go.

Those are times, man, some time I was like you wearing a lot of suits you need some times.

I got your time. Yeah, that's a thoughtful gift. I thought it was real good.

I expected a bigger reaction whatever, you know.

I thought you would give me a lot more than what you gave.

It's okay, Thank you, Kevin.

Well, I'm kind of you know what. I thought she was gonna dance or something. That's all right, good. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you man, Thank you for having This is.

Exciting, man, this is you know what's weird for me?

Is I mean I fell in love with real husbands of Hollywood. Oh, thank you man, thank you.

And then and then I like, now it's like, are you still a mitch?

Am I still a mitch? For those people who don't know, mitch is a is a male term.

For a bitch.

I didn't know if you guys knew it or not. Yes, of course I am, man. I have a lot of mitch ways that are still with me that I don't plan on getting rid of any time soon.

So yes, I am very much a male bitch.

Yes me, I love how your own best. I don't know if that's true anymore.

I honestly don't know if that's true. You're a comedic rock star. Now that's exactly what you are. I see you on Instagram. You're doing You're doing crazy push ups, you're doing you you old ripped.

Up looks amazing. Yeah, your body looks amazing.

Your body looks amazing, and you're an action star right along.

I was. That was the first time.

I sure you hyping that, but I didn't know you would actually become an action.

An action start.

Yes, I'm a firm believer and I can do whatever I put my mind to.

You know.

Uh, I think comedy is something that opened up a lot of doors. And those doors that I chose to walk through were joys, were joyous. I was like, oh my god, I get to go in action movies. Oh my god, I get to do comedy. I get to work in drama.

The hype thing was always my concern, Like, I don't, I don't. I don't know what you're talking about. I have no idea what you're talking about.

You know, Hey, height is a perception, it's what you think.

I don't. I don't. I don't believe it, you know, I don't.

I don't.

I don't ever believe it.

Somebody actually told me one day it was like, man, you're a lot smaller than I thought you was. And I was like, what that means is you're thinking wrong. You know, that's not my problem.

That's your problem, man, And it's not a problem because now you're going all over the wall.

Man the water now. I mean that was insane, just comic to comic.

Now, forming in front of wall is fifty four thousand people in fifty three, fifty three.

Thousand people, I sold out a football stadium in Philadelphia, the first comedian to ever do thank you?

How do you do? How do you tell a joke?

Because I've performed to fifty three people before and I don't know, Like no, but how do you How do you tell a joke and a crowd that.

You know what it is?

Man?

I mean, it's the same that you're doing today. I think any environment that you put yourself in as a comedian is your job to make that environment as intimate as possible. I'm a storyteller. I paint pictures. When you look at these pictures and you grasp what I'm saying, you find yourself relating to them. So, regardless of his an audience of five thousand, ten thousand, and fifty three thousand. My message is still the same. I think that's what

How well spoken that thing.

I want to say.

I want to say that sounded that sounded like a motivational speech.

That was like a president. That's what that sounded like. Understanding Like wow. I was like, Wow, this is really going good.

That was that was nice.

That was nice. You're waiting for it to stop, and it never stopped. It just kept on going. I was like, I'm pulling this out. Myse's working. It is working. Let's talk about the tour man. You're going You're going international. I am this is big.

You're going out in January, going everywhere including South Africa.

Your negative woods Man, Johannesburg. I'm going to Cape Town. I'm going to Durban the.

First time out there. This is my first time. You're excited.

I'm very excited touring the world making movies, sir, with a rock star body as well. Yeah, yeah, it's really beautiful.

Have you seen my pants?

That's a strike?

Can you guys get this on my pants? Yeah?

It's a stripe?

Yeah I don't know.

Yeah, I just started wearing it.

This is my first time a rock starck comedian and the stripe man.

Thank thank you so much for coming me. I appreciate you. I appreciate what you stand for, what you're doing out there.

The most important thing for me, and this is one thing I want to ask you about before you leave, is why the running?

Why is that so important to you? The working out? I'm big on health, man.

I feel like I put a major demand on my body, so I need my body to respond.

Why do you make everyone run with you?

Because here's what I've learned. Here's what I've learned. I've learned that I have a platform where I can motivate and inspire.

And what better way to do that than running.

Running is something that everybody can do all over the world, regardless of race, shape, and size. You can all do it together. It brings people closer together. And I've done it a great job doing it. I mean these runs now got to the point where I got five to seven thousand people were out running five k's with me. And it will get global, it will get bigger, it will get better, man, We'll get global.

Man working Out kicks off internationally on January twentieth.

And matches Stinging right along too again. Sis January fifteenth, Kevin.

Hart, everyone, forge, thank you very much.

That's our show showing us tomorrow nights at eleven now here.

It is your moments of Zen.

I've heard you speak glowingly of him.

I've heard you express disappointment as well. Are you going to miss him? Well?

I am.

No one thing.

I respect my colleagues.

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