You're listening to Comedy Central. Remember how last week the FBI took an eight hour vacations from orow logo and went home with a monch of souvenirs. Well, we all have the same question. What were they looking for at Donald Trump's house this weekend? We all found out this morning the newly unsealed search warrant shedding light on what exactly FBI agents were looking for at Mara Lago and
what they seized. According to the documents made public by a federal judge, agents were searching for evidence of three potential crimes, violations of the Espionage Act, unlawful removal of public records, and obstruction of justice by concealing, altering, or destroying records to impede an investigation. They found twenty seven boxes of government records, including eleven sets of classified documents.
Four sets of documents were marked top secret and one marked top secret s c I, a classification reserved for some of the most sensitive intelligence and national security information, typically only viewed in a highly secure location. Yeah, that's right, So Trump didn't just have top secret documents, they would top secret s c I. What does s c I stand for? You lost that's also top secret. You dumbassy. I'll be honest. I didn't even know you could have
a level of secret above top. Did you know this? Yeah? How so I don't think it makes sense? Right, that's the point of top. If there's something above top, then top his middle. You know, Top is top. People like top gun. He's the best bite of pilot. If someone else come in and then they're like top a gun, I want my money back. That's not what I was promised not to mention. If something is top, but then we find out that there's something above that, then how
do we know that that's not the final thing? Then there could be something above that? And then how do we know that there's not something about that because there's no top, Like top has to be the top. Then there's no end, and then spacetime is what infinite? And then do we even exist? Like? What what does this mean? Who are we? I'm having I'm having a panic attack right now. Stop the show. Stop that. So it turns out Donald Trump was in possession of top secret documents
he wasn't supposed to have. And look, I'm not victim blaming here, but if you ask me, the government is partly too responsible, partly responsible for labeling the files top secrets. Yeah, because think about it, nobody wants to read boxes of government documents, right, but if it says top secret on it, now everyone's interested. It's the same way you don't label your pawn folder pawn, right. The government should do what we do, Just put secrets in the folder called taxes
telve to twenties seventy. I've done that my whole life. The only screw up was I did this when I was twelve years old, and then my mother was like, what taxes are you paying when you're twelve? And then she busted me for pawn and tax evasion. Anyway, the point is, no matter what they labeled, Donald Trump wasn't supposed to have these documents at his house. And in case you're wondering why these documents are top top, top top secret, will hold onto your butts because what Trump
took home could blow them right off. The Washington Post has reported that among the materials sought by federal agents was related to nuclear weapons programs. If you get into nuclear related documents, that is the highest level. It does not get any more serious than that. Some of this could be information about adversaries. Some of this could be about nuclear weapon design. Some of this could be about our nuclear arsenals or our launch procedures. Are you shooting me?
Donald Trump might have kept the world's nuclear secrets in his basement at Moral Lago, the same place Rudy Giuliani sleeps so avoid the sunlight. That is so irresponsible, because you realize the worst case scenario with these documents is that Trump sold them to like Saudi Arabia. The best case scenario is that he just lay in bed with them and rubbed him all over his naked body. Actually not what I'm gonna flip. That worst case scenario is that he rubbed them naked on his body. Hopefully he
just sold him to the SOUD. He's hopefully hopefully. Oh and by the way, just today, to add to this whole saga, Trump posted that in the raid by the FBI of Moral Lago, they stole my three passports, one inspired along with everything else. And I can see why Trump is pissed if they took his passports. I mean, he's the guy who wanted to build the wall and now he's gonna need to sneak into Mexico commas a bit. It's just also, also, why does Donald Trump even need
a passport? There is no one on Earth that looks or sounds like this man, no one he could learn on a distant planet, and the aliens that would be we've seen TV welcome down. I'll drop It'll be like thank you, now, please chake me g a three boomed woman. And by the way, you do realize it's a chance Trump just misplaced his passport, right, It's possible. It happens all the time. You think the athlete I took something and you find in your soft draw. Yeah, like, for
all you know, maybe Milania moved them. You know, I was like, oh no, I guess now I have to go back to Slovenia by myself, by Donald bye. You know,
you know it's been the most fun. The most fun in all of this is how Trump and the Red Caps are working so hard to invent new excuses for why this crime wasn't a crime, Because you remember when when the story first broke, they were saying things like, there's nothing at Marilango except a bunch of notes from Eric, and if they did find something, the FBI must have planted it. Well, forget all that forget all of it.
I was like two days ago. Right, They've got a fresh shipment of excuses today, starting with it was homework. The former president is offering a new line of defense for taking these documents to his marlogue at home. A statement released by Trump's office Friday night contends that everyone takes work home sometimes. Yeah. No, now you know what, that's true. Everyone does take work home sometimes, but not
Donald Trump. But man Bailey took work to work. And also, by the way, it's not taking work home with you if you no longer have the job, all right, can we agree on that? All right, you don't have the job, you can't take you work home with you, Like if you get fired from your babysitting job, but you still go pick up the kid from school. That's just kidnapping. But if you don't like that excuse, that's fine, that's fine.
Trump's got another one, like how about Obama. President Trump has been making a baseless and false claim that former President Obama took more than thirty million classified documents when he left the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that President BARAQ, who's saying Obama kept thirty three million pages of documents? Much of them classified, how many of them pertained to nuclear word is lots? All right, Okay, first of all, this is just completely made up. In fact, the National
Archives came out and said it is not true. But also for the sake of the argument, let's say it was true. These people are the same people who have spent fifteen years saying Obama is basically the devil. But then when they get into trouble, they're like, it's fine, we just did the same thing as the devil. And also, did you pick up that Barack who's saying Obama has a nice little touch, Yeah, just to remind the people who he really is. I know what Trump is doing.
He's trying to drum up old Islamophobia. But everybody knows that that's Barack's middle name. It doesn't a hound nefarious anymore. No, it just sounds like you're his mom. But Rock who's saying, oh, Bama, you get down here and clean up this mass right now, come to mom. But but if you don't like that, excuse, it's cool, baby, It's cool. Trump's got another one for you. It's about how he declassified these documents in his mind.
And a new defense emerged overnight. From a conservative journalist tied to Trump, who read a statement from the former president's office. He had a standing order that documents removed from the Oval office and taken to the residents were deemed to be declassified the moment he removed them. Oh that's an interesting excuse. Anything Trump took home with him
was automatically declassified because he had a standing order. It's also super convenient that no one has ever heard about this rule until he got busted for having top secret documents at his house or whatever. I've actually heard the defense before. Usually it's when people get busted for having an affair. You know, they'll be like, no, actually, I didn't cheat on you. I had already broken up with you in my mind on the way to the house, and then on the way home, I decided to give
us another chance. Come here, baby, I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you. So there you have it, three brand new fresh excuses. What Oh that's not enough for you. Oh you're particular. Okay, see, then maybe what you need is a little bit of this. And we see as a piece out quoting sources that say the chaotic nature of Donald Trump's exit from the White House contributed to sensitive documents being taken tomorrow lago, and there
were reports that Trump packed in a rush. Quote when it finally dawn on Donald Trump and the twilight of his presidency that he wouldn't be living at the White House for another four years, he had a problem. He had barely packed and had to move out quickly. Oh my god, this is the greatest excuse of all time. Trump's people are saying because he didn't think he was leaving the White House, he packed in a hurry when he left. Yeah. Yeah, he was so busy planning the
coup he didn't even think about packing. Is that what happened. It's like, guys, I wasn't trying to steal these documents. I was trying to steal the in that shed. Why would I pack when I thought I have another channel twenty years in the White House? It makes no sense. Hello. Scotland has just become the first country in the world to make tampons and pads free to anyone who leaves them. Yeah, that's amazing. Period products will now be given away in
pharmacies and other public buildings. Not to mention, there are sheep everywhere in Scotland and those are pretty much just walking tampons, so this is working out. Meanwhile, America will continue its policy, which is that women are welcome to steal old extra napkins and stock bucks that they need. Moving on to some other international news, uh, Australia has learned that its former prime minister had secretly appointed himself to five other government positions without telling anyone. This is
such a strange story. Yeah, because because it's one of those scandals that's like, is this a scandal? Not because I'm outraged, but I'm also kind of impressed apologism chose to do extra work and not tell anyone, How dare you? And also I'm voting for you again? But for real though, that's not how government works, all right. Just give yourself a job. You have to earn it by having your dad give you the job. Come on his politics here
in sports news. In sports news, the NBA has announced that, for the first time ever, they will not be playing any games on election day and instead will encourage their fans to go and vote. Yeah. I think that's really good. I will say they're not not to sound cynical, but if the Timberwolves game is what was keeping you from voting. Maybe, Yeah, I think since there's no games on that night, the ESPN commentators they should cover voting like they cover the NBA.
Don't just make it super INTERESTINGNA be like Jeremy Wilkins coming up to the voting boot. Now it's his first season voting, he's really Oh no, he called outside the bubble. That's gonna that's not gonna scare the raps are not gonna like it at all. But should a replay on that one? John? So, this is a big NBA. And they told all the teams, they said, hey, all the teams in the NBA, you will not be playing basketball on Election Day. And the Knicks were like, oh, no,
no problem. We don't play basketball every day. That's just what we what we do. Oh here's some weird celebrity news. Snoop Dogg is launching a breakfast cereal for kids called Snoop Loops. Yeah, and you know the cereal is gonna be delicious, Yeah, because no one knows good cereal like someone who's permanently high. No one. Oh, so it's about time we got a chill Cereal mascot. You know, I like this. Every every Cereal mascot is high energy. They're
like coked out. Now we have one who does not give a damn whether or not we eat his cereal. You know, it's just like try it today or don't. I get paid either way. Bag. By the way, do you ever do you ever think about how Snoop has had one of the most amazing careers of all time, Like this is fantastic, but you have to admit he's really screwed over all the people who started loving him
for his rap. You know, I'm glad he's had such a broad career, but you realize they are now parents who are telling their kids are like my favorite gangster rappers, Snoop Dogg, and their kids are like the serial guy Martha Stewart's friend. I thought you were cool, dad. Anyway, let's move on to the big story of the day, and it's about climate change. The reason why hot in here is now considered a scientific study. Yes, all over the world, governments are steadily taking action to reduce their
combon emissions. In fact, just today, President Biden signed the biggest climate change law in American history. It's it's not everything. It subsidizes electric cause it funds wind and solar energy and it changes the name of summer to extra spring. Hopefully mother nature falls for that one. And the reason leaders worldwide have taken these steps is because every day we're seeing what the world could look like if climate change gets out of hand. I mean, just look at
what's happening in Vegas. You know, Las Vegas, the city surrounded by deserts that are folded with buried mobsters that place, well some of those bodies, Oh, they're about to come floating back to life. Las Vegas is getting pounded with historic flooding in the wettest monsoon season they've seen in a decade. It's hard to tell this is the famous Las Vegas Strip, but that's Caesar's Palace right there, and
that is the mirage. It's raining inside Planet Hollywood, pouring through the casine, no light fixtures, right underneath the high roller ferris wheel. The Las Vegas Strip has been swept by flash flooding. This rain coming down so fast, so heavy. This is video from Las Vegas in a parking garage. It's a downpour right onto the gambling tables. You can see that car struggling to get through the water on a street. Yes, that is a man floating down the
Vegas Strip because of the flash flood waters. That guy's a legend. He's just like, yeah, how you see that Las Vegas, of all places, is getting flooded. And you know who I blame for this? All the bachelor parties going to those strip clubs being like making rain. Look at what you did. I hope you're happy and rain rain too much. And if there's one thing we can all agree on, people, it's that we don't want casinos to flood alright, because can you imagine how hard it's
going to be to evacuum? Wait those gamblers, Ah, the water level is rising. Yeah, we're gonna be drowned any minute, which is just enough time for a couple of more rolls. Come on, baby, Come on, Daddy could use someone floaties. Come on. So, yes, Las Vegas has been a wetter than a butt crack at soul cycle. But it's not just Vegas. We've seen historic floods recently in St. Louis and Yellowstone in Kentucky. And this is the thing to
remember about climate change. It's not just gonna make everything a little bit hotter, all right, It's gonna make all weather more extreme. The hot will get hotter, the wet will get wetter, the wind will get window, the wet will like swap places with the dry. Yeah, and then you you're gonna think that you're talking too hot. But then the heart will pull up its moss, gonna be like, I'm cold, and you'd be like, but we slept together.
It's basically science. Are you're wondering, You're like, it's a bit of flooding. Is it that bad? Well over in californ Only things could get even worse than you think. Now to the new warning on climate change, experts say it's only a matter of time before a megaflood hits California, displacing millions of people. A new study shows that climate change is increasing the likelihood of a cataclysmic flood hitting
in the next fifty years. The flood could turn California's lowlands into an inland sea, putting parts of cities such as Sacramento, Fresno, and Los Angeles underwater. It happened Sacramento in eighteen sixty one. This is incredible and I really didn't know much about this. Only five hundred thousand people lived in the Central Valley. Today it's thirty seven million thirty feet of water in all of Central Valley for weeks, arraigned for forty three days, the equivalent of a trillion
dollars in today's damage. They say the next one would probably be like a katrine at times five. Oh my god, Katrina times five. I was like fifth, you carry the k Then the point is it's bad and we can't lose Los Angeles, and that's where America keeps all these hot people. You know, also no offense. But if I'm caught in a mega flood the last place and lost people I want to be around. There is a bunch of l A actors. Can you imagine them? It's gonna
be like, the flood is wiping away Los Angeles. Okay, I'm gonna try it again, but a little more introspective. The flood is wiping away Los Angeles, and I never knew my father. Now, if you're thinking, who cares if America is underwater, I'll just escape to Europe, well be my guest, because you're gonna miss the wet when you get there. In the midst of a historic drought, Europes rivers are running dry. In Germany, the rhinos dropped so low some cargo ships can no longer use it, with
devastating effects for Germany's economy. In France, some parts of the Lower can now be crossed on foot, and then the Czech Republic, low water levels have revealed so called hunger stones, rocks carved centuries ago to give future generations a warning of impending famine. One such stone carried a chilling message from the early sixteen hundreds, if you can
see me weep. Yeah, yeah, you hear that. Right now, Europe's drought is so bad that you can walk across some rivers, which isn't just bad for the economy and the environment. It also puts people like Moses out of a job. Be like, no, I won't part the waters that ye man? Yeah whatever man? Climate change did this wise, and I get out of the way. I also don't know about you, but that hunger ston't shriek me out. If you see me weep, that's dramatic. I didn't even
know they had emo in the sixteen hundreds. At the same time, though, you you've got to wonder about the person who decided to make these stones, because think about the whole population was starving, right, You've got one guys, like I'll venture out to find more food, and other guys like I will Russian our current stars. And there's one dude who's like, give me a hammer and a chisel. I'm gonna write a warning to people five years from now. Yeah, there's gonna be a good one. When they see when
the water goes down, they're gonna freak out. Hold on, hold on. And by the way, not all of those hunger stones of that poetic Yeah, that one's really like cryptic has a vibe. Some of those hunger hunger stones, they just tell you direct, Oh, ship, you got the screw you see my face? That means you're gonna die. Don't get your offensing on everybody. You're gonna die, and you're gonna die and you're gonna die. Oh you already
looked dead, brother, you're already ha ha. By the way, if somebody sees stone Head, you tell him he's ship. That dude does me twenty bucks bullshit stone A y'all dad. The f A has ruled that hearing aids can now be sold over the counter without a prescription, making them easier and cheaper for people to get. That's amazing. Yeah, and you know it's crazy. It's crazy that you ever needed a prescription for a hearing aid. Why. It's not
like you can abuse them. It's not like the drug dealers on the street going yo yo, you want someone an extra loud yo yo. Meanwhile, in travel news, American Airlines has announced that they will be buying twenty supersonic jets that will be able to get passengers to their destination twice as fast as current airplanes. Yeah, wild, that's great. It also means the annoying guy who's sitting next year on the plane is gonna have to talk twice as fast. Now it's gonna be like, so, yeah, you fly off
and you're going on vacations is the work thing. I just had to check it bag. You're checking the back where you from the first time. The plane seeing the rock and Roll of fame is gonna be going and we're here. Also, in I'm gonna call it culinary news, Papa John's has I'm veiled a new menu item called Papa Bowls, which are bowls full of pizza toppings without the crust. And I just want to say, congratulations, America,
you did it. You finally found the opposite of a salad. Well, done. Congratulations, But let's move on to some of the biggest stories of the day, starting with the mid terms. Last nights, the primary that everyone was watching was in Wyoming, the state with the population almost as big as a New York subway car. Now, the reason everyone was watching this race is because Liz Cheney was running for reelection. And of course, Liz Cheney has been the most prominent antique
Trump Republican in Congress. She voted to impeach him, She's led the committee investigating him. Basically, she just will not stop talking about that one time he tried to overthrow the American democracy. That was like like a million years ago. Lady, move on. So anyway, Black Life's primary was the charts for Wyoming Republicans to declare whether they stood with Liz Cheney or with Donald Trump, and they answered bigly overnight out of Wyoming, a clear message from that state about
the direction of the Republican Party. Congresswoman Liz Cheney, who was reelected easily less than two years ago, lost badly last night in her primary fight against her Trump back challenger, Harriet Hageman. Chaney's landslide loss was no surprise. She knew she'd pay a price for voting to impeach Donald Trump and then serving as the vice chair of the January six Committee. Overnight, the former president writing, Liz Cheney should be ashamed of herself. Now she can finally disappear into
the depths of political oblivion. Okay, okay. First of all, there's no way that Trump wrote that disappear into the depths of political oblivion. Really, there's the same guy who said I don't like saying yes. It age a hard word for me. Yes yesterday. Really, really, that's not him. You know, if I was to bet, he probably has some guy who just fancies up his words for him. You know, he's like, I want to say something like Liz Chaney go bye by Now It's like, okay, how
about disappear into the depths of political oblivion. He's like that one is goodly, maybe the best dress. I like it. Hello, say what you want, Say what you want about this Chaney. But you have to respect how she stood up against Trump, even when she knew she was gonna get blown out of her seat. And yes, it is saying something about the state of the GOP that the brave stance was, don't hang the Vice president. But still she stood by it. And this Chaney isn't the only Republican who fell on
her sword. Remember there were only ten Republicans in the House who voted to impeach Donald Trump. Out of those ten, four lost their primaries to a Trump challenger, and four retired so that they wouldn't lose to a Trump challenger. Because right now, any Republican who opposes Trump, he'll flush the asses away like one of those top secret documents.
He doesn't play games. But the list Cheney story isn't over yet, because she's vowed that she will still do anything to stop Trump from becoming presidents again, even possibly running against him in the Republican primary. Yeah, and look, I mean we must admit it probably is a long shot. But don't forget she is a Chaine. If there's one thing they're committed to, its regime change. And and to be honest, if she wants to stop Trump, she doesn't
have to beat him in a presidential race. You know, just put a bunch of Reese's pieces in the line of a cliff. You know, he'd be like, and this wine and this wine and this one. So let's move on from Donald Trump. To another plague. America can't get rid of the coronavirus pandemic. Last week, the CDC announced the quote COVID nineteen is here to stay, Yes, which sounds less like a public health announcement and more like
something your mom says about your new stepdad. I love Jerry, so whether you like it or not, he's a new man of this house. Okay, Look, Jerry, don't eat that. That's cat food, Honey. Come on now. Because of this, and because fewer people are dying or being hospitalized from the disease, the US is dropping some of the big restrictions that we've all gotten used to over the last
two years. Al Right, So no more quarantining if you've been exposed to the virus, no more testing at schools, no more six ft apart social distancing, and we can go back to washing our hands. Just off the number two's yeah. So basically, the new CDC guidance is just looking at what everyone was already doing and just going like, yeah, you just do that. We don't care anymore. We don't care.
But if the US has decided to live with COVID, the situation is very different in China because they're still doing lockdowns at drop of the hats, and it is not always going over very well. Chaos and panic at an Ikea in Shanghai, China. This is video from an Ikea store on Saturday, after it was announced the store was going into lockdown. A customer had tested positive, so workers tried to put the entire building on quarantine. Customers rushed for the exit to try and leave before the
doors closed. Those who could not get out were taken to a quarantine hotel for several days. China has the strictest COVID rules in the world. They've locked down entire cities over just a few positive cases. God damn, did you see that? Look like a reverse Black Friday? And I don't blame those people, Like no, No one should have to spend one minute longer than necessary in an Ikea. Okay, can you imagine finally finding the exit just as the
doors closed. You're like, no, I just wanted to buy the Shmars Laud And that ready shows you the different approach just countries can take to the pandemic, Because China has shown that you can basically prevent all COVID deaths, but every now and then you might get locked into an Ikea for a week with no warning, and then America is looking at that like, Okay, how bad is death really? I mean, although, honestly, if you have to quarantine for a week, isn't like here the best place
to be. I mean, they've got fully done bedrooms, living rooms, bathrooms. Yeah, they say you can't poop in the toilets, but you can, you know I have. Anyway, let's talk about jobs, how we trade time for money, like, which is almost everyone has to work. But let's be honest, there's working and then there's working. All right, as more and more people are discovering, we begin with young workers refusing to go the extra mile. They're embracing a trend they're calling quiet quitting.
They stay on the job, they continue to get paid, but they're only willing to do the bare minimum. So you look at these videos on TikTok and YouTube with people who are celebrating their lack of enthusiasm for their job. They're just going to mail it in. They're just gonna do exactly what they're supposed to do and not go
above and beyond the descriptions of the job. Some of these videos are people who are like literally turning off the phone at five pm, the work phone at five pm, not answering email after five pm, not doing anything above and beyond the nine to five of the job, and saying that's good because I don't need to work for the man, you know, and not have any kind of
balance in my own life. Yeah, that's right. People are quiet quitting that they're just going to their jobs and then just doing the job from from nine to five, and then and then and then, hold up, that's just working. That's work your life, that's work. You don't have to do the mole, it's worked. People in this country are so obsessed with work. Guys. Your job is just the place you go to avoid seeing your family, all right. It doesn't need to be the most important and part
of your existence. If your job is from nine to five, that means that the work messages should stop at five. Two. Yeah, that's right. Any message you get off the five is basically a booty core. If your boss texts you at Liken to see if you file an expense report, it should start with hey, you up. Bottom line, you need to establish your work life balance. So remember, if you hate your job, make sure you also hate your life. Right, No,
that doesn't work. But if but if you're thinking of quiet quitting, please keep in mind that clocking out for the day at five on the dots might be okay for office work, but it's not something you can do for every job. All right, buddy, all right, don't do anything drastic. Okay, we're gonna work this out. We're gonna work this out together, you and me, just as long as you left the hostage and hi, oh Matt, all right, listen you guys, you guys stay, you guys gonna stick around.
If you have to back you on Monday, well, we'll pick it up at nine am. A man, that's great. What we do it? We've got to bar god. Yeah. Let's kick things off with the Census for Disease Control, the government agency that spent the first two years of the pandemic saying we're all gonna get COVID and the last six months like, ah, we're all gonna get COVID. Chill. And if you one of those people who thinks the CDC has handled the pandemic badly, well it turns out
the CDC agrees with you. This morning, the CDC director promising a major overhaul after a scathing internally initiated review found the agency repeatedly botched its response to the pandemic. In a statement, Dr Rochelle will Lensky putting it bluntly, our performance did not reliably meet expectations. Well Lensky herself calling for that review. It found the CDC's recommendations throughout the christ is, from masking to vaccines, confusing and overwhelming. Oh,
I guess the CDC finally checked their Twitter mansions. But she's right. The CDC rarely dropped the ball. People depended on them for clear advice, and when they didn't get it, they started looking elsewhere for answers. I mean, say what you want about goop. Their advice was consistent. I mean, yes, the advice was to buy a four thousand dollar crystal butt plug, but it was consistent. Meanwhile, the CDC was
all over the place. They said, don't wear masks, but they said no, do wear masks, but don't because we need them. Okay, now you can wear a mask, any mask, even cloth. White cloth is the worst. What are you doing? Now? You've got COVID standside for five days, no ten days, no two days. The point is trust the science Now, if we had more time, we could talk about whether or not the CDC learned the right lessons from COVID
to prevent the next outbreak. Well, not the next outbreak, because the next outbreak is monkey pocks and they're already missing that up, but the one after that. But we would don't have the time for that, because while the CDC is struggling with multiple outbreaks, the Trump organization is overrun with an outbreak of crime. Now to breaking news, Alan Weislberg, the Trump organization chief financial officer, pleaded guilty
today to a wide ranging tax scheme. As part of the deal, he'll need to testify against the Trump organization in the coming months. The company is accused of helping Wiseelberg and other exacts avoid income taxes by failing to accurately report their full compensation. Yeah, that's right, Trump's number two guy for the last forty years has pled guilty to tax fraud. And can we just take a moment to appreciate how many people associated with Donald Trump have
ended up in prison? Huh? His lawyer, his campaign manager, his deputy campaign chairman, now the chief financial officer of his organization. Usually, you've got to run a drug cartel to have this many friends doing hard time because at this point is basically al Chapel and Donald Trump. That's it. You don't actually needs to do. Then you just send all these Trump felons to school assemblies to scare kids away from Trump. To be like, hanging out with the
president is cool. That's what I've thought. Now I'm drinking whine out of a toilet. That's my stand of the Union. Can Now, now I know what you're thinking right now, you're wondering to yourself. Surely, if Trump's second in command was committing financial crimes with Trump's company, then Trump must also be involved in these crimes. Well, actually no, because apparently the story is that he had no idea what was happening in his organization at all levels for decades.
He had no clue, And that, my friends, is the kind of leadership that makes him fit to be the next president of the United States. Truly powerful, no cue at all. No. Look, if we had more time, we could talk about how Trump pretends to be the candidates of law and order. Meanwhile his friends can fill up an entire prison wing. But we just don't have the time for that, because while Trump World is at war with the law. Some of music's biggest legends are at
war over Christmas. Mariah Carey does not want a lot for Christmas. There's just one thing, she says. She needs a trademark for the title Queen of Christmas. Now, Carrie is seeking to solidify her brand with a legal filing that would give her exclusive rights to use the title on everything from clothes to alcohol, dog products, and more.
But not everyone agrees she deserves it. Singer Darlene Love fighting back, the songstress known for her head Christmas Baby, Please Come Home, which you performed annually on The David Letterman Show as a holiday tradition, telling ABC News in a statement, I adore Mariah Carey as an artist and songwriter. The Queen of Christmas should not be exclusive to anyone except for Mary, Mother of Jesus. The real Queen of Christmas is Mary, Mother of Jesus. She should get the
trademarks to sell alcohol and dog toys. It's about times. That's about time Mary got some of the financial benefit. The only thing she got out of this whole thing were gifts from those three wise men. One of those was mur What the hell is that all about? Oh? I just gave birth in a barn. But yeah, thanks to the murr. Real helpful. Yeah, when I was in labor with the Son of God, the whole time I was thinking, Oh, I could really use some murr right about now, an idiot, get out of here, old guy,
you can stay, stay with the gold. And by the way, by the way, I thought, Mariah told us that all she wants for Christmas is me, But now she also wants trademarks, which isn't Mariah. Next she's gonna tell me that I won't always be your baby due the dude down. No, no, we had more time. We could talk about whether anyone should have the right to trademark anything about Christmas, or we could talk about how the commercialization of Christmas has taken us away from the true meaning of the holiday,
which is giving a jolly old man diabetes. But we just don't have the time for that because over in Russia, Vladimir Putin, the exact opposite of Santa, is handing out gifts of his own. Russia's population has been rapidly declining thanks to little birth rates and an exodus of citizens since the invasion of Ukraine, and now Vladimin Putin is taking action. This week, he announced the revival of the
Soviet era Mother Heroin Award. Any Russian woman who gives birth to ten children will be given a one time payment of one million rubles or sixteen thousand, five hundred dollars. Wow, sixteen thousand dollars, and all you have to do is have four million dollars worth of kids. It's a still Look at you, lad Wow, do you hear that? Russian ladies? You get sixteen grand for ten kids? Vladimir Putin making
it drizzle. This makes no sense. Sixteen thousand dollars for ten kids makes zero sense unless that money is for you to buy a plane ticket to escape to a life without all those damn children. And I know right now you're probably thinking, but Trevor, it's Russia. They can store the ten kids inside each other. That's not how kids walk, your idiot. Can you imagine being the tenth kid? You're gonna spend your whole life wondering if your parents
really wanted you, if they just wanted a smart fridge. Listen, Putin, you don't need to go to these lengths. There's an easier way to repopulate your country all right, just give Nick Cannon. Citizenship problem solved, Spasiva. Now, if we have the time, we could talk about whether it's even a good idea to stuff more people into a planet that's
already more crowded than the Porter party at Coachella. But we just don't have the time because while Russia's leader is trying to pump up his population, Finland's leader is getting in trouble for trying to pump up the jam. The Prime Minister of Finland's son Amara And has faith backlash after a Laite video showed her partying. She's faith criticism from opposition parties, with one leader demanding she take a drugs test. Miss Marin denied taking drugs and said
she only drank alcohol. Okay, okay, I know that clip is extremely confusing for Americans, so let me try and explain. Some countries have leaders who don't have osteoporosis. Yeah, and and and they party, you see. And I know it may seem different or weird, but we should be respectful of their cultures. That's for the story itself. I don't think the leader of Finland did anything that any other leader in the world hasn't done, all right, almost every
other leader in the world drinks and parties. The only difference is they're not young enough to have friends who know how to use a phone. All right, have you seen old people when they try and use the camera. They always look like they've discovered an ancient artifact and they're trying to decipher what the hieroglyps mean. They're just like, okay, what's Oh wait, wait, your friend you Burr sent you a message. Yeah, Because you realize this is just the beginning.
Younger generations use technology, they're gonna get older, and one day they're gonna come into power. So it's only a matter of time before we're in a world where like a world war starts because some some leader d m to dick pick. You know, I'm just gonna be like, what sent Pins prepares that troops if you ask me, If you ask me, Finland should be grateful. Finland should be grateful for the scandals that they have. Imagine them
telling other countries about their problems. America, you won't believe it. Our prime minister was caught dancing. It's terrible. Recons Like, yeah, I gotta go. We're about to read the former president's hotel to get back out nuclear CODs. But good luck with that. Good luck with that. We gotta go. We gotta go now. If we had more time, we could talk more about how the criticism of Santa Marin really
just seems to be. How dare you spend your leisure time doing something young women enjoy rather than doing things older men enjoy, like hunting or smoking cigars or watching TV with one hand in your pants for some reason, you know, dignified things, but ain't nobody got time for them. I want to tell you all about a brand new way to relive the magic of the January six insurrection. Using an app called voice Map, the Daily Show has created a self guided audio tour of Washington, d C
called in the Footsteps of the Freedom Surrection. So if you're in d C, voice Map uses GPS to automatically play audio when you get to each site on the walking tour, starting at the White House and marching all the way to the Capitol. Or you can just listen to the whole thing at home if you're lazy, so go to Daily Show dot com slash January six Tours to find out more. You can listen to the tour on voice Map on the websites at home, or download the voice map app for i Os or Android and
search for Washington, d C. To find the tour. The Daily Show with Trevor Noah ears editions. Subscribe to the Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast