This Week's Top Stories | North Korea and the U.S. Communicate with Missiles

Apple letting you edit eye messages. I didn't say that, so obviously people haven't been paying as much attention to North Korea lately, which is probably why Kim Jong moon has decided to remind us that he still exists. We're gonna turn to North Korea launching a new round of missile tests, the regime firing off eight rockets over the weekend, in the US and South Korean launching missiles in response and a show of force. The US and South Korea

sent eight surface to surface missiles into the sea. That's after North Korea did the same just hours earlier. There is no direct communication that we know of between the Biden administration and the North Korean regime, so instead both sides seemed to be communicating through missile launches. Huh, the US and North Korea are communicating using missile launches. That's adorable, it really is. It's so different missile missile, you up, missile missile, But for real, it actually sounds like a

couple that really needs therapy. You know. It's just like, and what do you do when she shuts you out? I launch missiles, and what are we supposed to do? Talk to the U n You know, people say that black people and white people can't get along, but I don't know what hope there is in the world if North and South Korea can't even get along. Yeah, they're both Korean looking at the other one like the Koreans man and you know who. I feel really bad for

those missiles. Yeah, the missiles that were shot into the ocean, because think about it, they think they have a specific purpose to blow up in glorious combat, but then they just end up being used for a show. Must hurt their feelings. It's like being a condom that gets put on a banana for sex at class. I was meant for greater things, damn it. Joking aside, they're joking aside. I want to be serious for a moment here, because

let me get the straight. North Korea and South Korea and the United States are now launching missile after missile into the ocean. But I'm not allowed to use plastic straws. Is that right? Is that right? I'm out here trying to do my part using a store that dissolves the second I put it into my drink. The second I put it in, it's gone. I don't even know what I'm drinking any What are you having? Tremble? Oh it tequila paper their shade? Yeah, I saved the turtle, the

one that got shot by a ballistic missile. And what does the ocean have to do with our beef? Huh? Those creatures are down there just trying to live their lives. They don't need to deal with missiles from human conflict. Can you imagine what it's like for them? A real life is matter another sea. We roll in the waves, the fish swim in the seaweed. Oh no, oh no, everybody's dead. Everybody's dead. The fish are all dead under the sea. A real don't got no legs or ahead.

And the worst part is happened my accent makes me sound jolly even when I'm not. This is where I wish I was from Germany. This accent doesn't come be the tragedy of this terrible crime that's happened under the sea. Quite enough about those North Korean missile strikes. There are bigger threats here at home people that we need to deal with. And yes, I'm talking about the danger of trans children playing sports, which luckily lawmakers in Ohio are

ready to take a really hard look at. So as we Enterpride Month, the GOP controlled Ohio state legislature passing one of the most extreme transports fans we've seen to date. That bill including a shocking provision that calls for examining the genitals of female athletes who are quote accused of being trans. The proposed rules would prohibit any trans girl

from competing with cis gender girls. It also has a verification requirement if somebody is accused of being trans. The bill says, if someone is suspected to be trans, she must go through evaluations of her external and internal gener halia testasterone levels and genetic maker. Yeah that's right, America, you asked lawmakers to protect your kids from guns. And they said, we got you. We're gonna look at your

kids genitals. I feel like there was a miscommunication there, because which one do you think is more traumatizing to your kid? Honest question, what do you think is more traumatizing to a child then losing a race in high school or then winning the race and then having to get probed by a doctor to see if they're genitals are what the right size? Because it's bad enough to target trans girls, but you you understand this law actually targets all girls, right, or at least all the girls

who are too good at the sports. Yeah, because you know how this is going to turn out. I've seen enough American parents beating each other up at little league games to know that this is gonna be weaponized to win a game. It's only a matter of time before softball pitcher strikes out three girls in a row and then her parents going to rush the field like genital check, No way, she's throwing with two acts chromosomes? No ways? Show me? Then, dad, who are they gonna find to

do these examinations? Huh? Who's even gonna do this? What? Every dude wearing one of those female body inspected T shirts? Are they gonna be dropped into service now? No, it was just a joke. I don't actually have any training in this area. So obviously you understand why there's backlash to this bill. In fact, some doctors in Ohio are saying that they refuse to investigate children's genitals as part of this law. Yeah, which it was good, but I

mean also don't agree with it. You know, if they wanted to stand back and do nothing to keep our kids safe, then they should have become police officers. All right, finally, too true, too real? All right? Finally, as you may know, a couple of weeks from now, America will be celebrating Juneteenth, the holiday commemorating the end of slavery, or, as Tucker Carlson would put it, the day millions of African Americans

became unemployeed. Is that progress anyway? Because Juneteenth is now a federal holiday, more people are celebrating than ever before. The only problem is not everyone knows the best way to celebrate. Walmart is under fire for selling Juneteenth products that some people say are tone deaf and insensitive. The products have been landbasted by many online after pictures of

Juneteenth ice cream and party supply surface. The Children's Museum of Indianapolis is apologizing after backlash to a Juneteenth inspired food item in its cafeteria. Museum offered the Juneteenth watermelon salad. The museum released a statement saying, in part, as a museum, we apologize and acknowledge the negative impact that stereotypes have on communities of color. For this ship pisses me up so much. How are you gonna make a Juneteenth ice cream? I hope they took it all off the shelves and

they got rid of it. In fact, I don't trust them. Hope they send it cheer to the Daily Show and I'll deal with it personally. Oh, every single one of those eyes and any other ideas they have ice cream, they better send them here. It's got a randomness. What are you doing? What are you doing? You know, apart from the watermelon black people stereotypes. It's amazing to me how America does this, Like they turn every meaningful holiday into an excuse to spend money. Like that's part of

the problem here. You don't need to sell things for June. Team Juneteenth wasn't even a mainstream thing last year I think about it. But now already They've turned it into a day of merch and and look, I mean I'm not hating you know. We we we do it too here on the show. Yeah, I mean, this whole segment is brought to you by Taco Bell's brand new flaming June tin Cord. It does Taco Bell emancipate your taste bards language. Like when I say the word Turkey, what

do you think of? Probably a big bird that people eat while arguing with their family about whether or not agenda as a spectrum. Right, Yeah, Well, the country of Turkey knows that's what you think about when you hear their name, and they're sick of that ship. The country of Turkey is ready to change its name. Officials have notified the United Nations asking of the country be referred to as Turkey A. The way it's spelled and pronounced

in Turkish. It's a way to disassociate its name from the bird and negative connotations that sometimes come with it. The official request follows the release of an ad campaign promoting the new name. Hey mom, I just landed Hello Turkey, Turki. Yeah, Hello Turkey. Yeh Turkey A. I like this, I like this and I'm willing. I'm willing to start saying turkey A. I don't mind, but I refuse to use those little

dots over the U. All right. And this has nothing to do with turkey and everything to do with drawing a line for how many keyboards I'm willing to have on my own. I'm already three keyboards deep. I've got emoji keyboards. I've got my gift keyboard, then my symbols keyboard, then a secret symbols keyboard behind that keyboard. Not gonna add another keyboard so I can say about you with the DUTs that make it look like it's staring at me. It's too much. It's too much turkey A. And I

know what some of you are saying right now. You're like, oh, travel, you don't need another keyboard. You can just hold down the U ke. Yeah, but it's about the extra effort. If you use your thumbs too much, they're gonna bulk up. I'm trying to get mine long and slender for the summer, baby, that's right. So I'll say turkey A. But you're gonna help me help you, and not to you with the ducks. Turkey A, all right, because no I get white turkeys doing this. I get it. A country's name is it's brand.

Nobody wants their brand associated with an animal that people don't even like that much. I mean, if you're gonna get mistaken for a bird, at least it would be a bird with some flavor, some juice, you know, like the country was named spicy chicken sandwich. There wouldn't be changing anything, I will say to I guess you just know this though. Just because they got the u N to agree on this doesn't mean that people are actually going to start calling them two key a. It's not

that easy. Trust me. I know this. Back in middle school, I tried to get everyone to call me Travolva. Yeah, and they just laughed, like you guys did now. I said it was a stupid name, which I gets in retrospect. It kind of was, you know, unless you guys like it. No, okay, you're fine, Travova Travolva. NOI is stupid, forget it. Let's move on. Wait did someone say it was cool? No? Okay, anybody.

I just thought I heard someone say that it is a cool because it could know all right, Still, all right, I actually think this is a good idea, you know, what a lot of countries should be updating their names. Yeah, just an updated to make it modern. Like this isn't the United States of America. Let's be honest. It's more like the states that barely put up with each other of America. Every country like Greece makes it sound messy, but it's not Hungary. What if they've eaten Well, you

need to change that name to be safe. You just need to change that name to be safe. I bet you. Right now, they're losing a ton of white people tourism because there's a lot of white people are too nervous to type that into Expedia. It's just like I'm heading to an I g you know what, I'm just gonna Paris. How is it gonna go to Paris? I'm just gonna Paris.

I don't want any trouble here. I'm gonna Paris. But let's move on to some other international news, because while Turkey is changing its name, Russia has spent the past three months trying to change Ukraine's name to Russia Jr. But Ukraine isn't the only country suffering from Russia's invasion. Yeah. What many people might not know is that Ukraine is one of the world's top producers of grain, but as part of its invasion, Russia is blocking Ukraine's sports and

intercepting the grain. So now the world is facing a grain shortage which Russia is taking advantage of. The US is of and out about fourteen countries the heads up about stolen Ukrainian grain. US officials say that Russia stole grain from Ukraine and alerted these other countries, mainly in Africa, that Russia will probably sell it. Policy experts say, faced with starvation, most countries in the area likely won't hesitate

to buy from Russia. The director of one African think tank told The New York Times quote, this is not a dilemma. Africans don't care where they get their food from. And if someone is going to moralize about that, they are mistaken. Okay, okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I get what you're saying. But Africans don't care where they get

their food from. Come on, don't put it like that. Yes, some parts of Africa are suffering from famine and their leaders afford to take the moral high ground because they need the food. But not just Africans don't care where they get their food from It makes it sound like US Africans were just running around on the sidewalk grabbing people's brunches out of their plates, just like, ha ha, you did not get your bris. It's might now ah.

And by the way, just in case you're wondering, Africans are going to use the grain to make like bread and ship. Okay, these stories always make it sound like Africans are just gonna eat the grain right out of the sack. I make it sounds like that. With us, it is like, we love this. I put that grain in my mouth. I know that's what you guys are picturing in your hands. I know it. I said, we need grain, and you guys were like, I guess they eat grain. I guess that's what they do. We cook.

The situation is really messed up. Not only is Russia stealing Ukraine's grain, they're causing a food shortage in the rest of the world, and then they're gonna sell the grain to make up for the shortage that they're causing. Can we just take a moment to acknowledge how humiliating this is for Russia. When they started this invasion, putting was like our glorious artmy will Uncle Ukraine for new Russian Empire. And now he's just like, okay, plain by,

let's just rub this bitch. Okay, we'll just look the still, We'll just look the steel. Now pull be. You went from being all high and mighty and now the dudes basically on the corner in Africa, like you got do you want grain? A good grain? You want grain? I got grain? Also got role, just the good stuff, just the good stuff. You want the grain? I got the grain. But let's move on from the war in Ukraine to

the war zone that is America. Ever since the Uvaldi School shoots in Congress has been working hard to craft sensible gun safety measures that can be narrowly defeated at the last minute. But a lot of people are trying to make this time difference. I mean, just today, Matthew McConaughey, who's from Uvaldi, was at the White House pushing for reforms. Unfortunately,

though nobody really expects a lot to change. Now. That's where there is an upside to living in the states that barely put up with each other of America, right, and that is individual states can break off and pass their own gun laws, which is exactly what's happening right here in New York? New York bolstered it's already tough gun laws some of the straight us in the nation.

Governor holcl signed a package of gun reform bills yesterday now, among them a measure that banned the sale of semi automatic rifles to anybody under new Buyers are also required to obtain a permit. Also, red flag laws are expanding. Body armor for civilians is outlawed, and AMMO for semi automatic handguns is required to be micro stamped to make it easier to trace. Hocal celebrated the new laws in the Bronx. It just keeps happening, shots ring out, flags

come down, and nothing ever changes except here in New York. Wow. Wow, let's see, this is so weird. A mass shooting happened, and then politicians did something. I didn't even know that that was possible. Yeah, it's like I showed up to McDonald's and the mcflurry machine is working. It's just I don't even know how to react to this. Dude, do I clap? Am? I supposed to tip? What's a good tip for passing gunlow? Ten percent? I'm sure ten percent?

You know what this feels like. This feels like when you're ready to argue with your partner and before you can say anything, they just apologize. All right, Yeah, now you've got a throat full of screams and nothing to do with it. It's like, thank you, I appreciate your apology. I love you do And New York made a lot of changes. For instance, it's raising the minimum age on semi automatic rifles, which seems like common sense to me. You know, although in my opinion, instead of twenty one,

I feel like it should be twenty one and four days. Yeah, because I don't want someone buying a gun on the same night that they're slamming ten shots of ya. Just spread it out. You know. New York is also gonna be banning body armor, and that makes sense. In fact, this is the first state in the country to do it, which is a great idea. In fact, that shou also bend under armor while they add its. Yeah, it's not about the shootings. I'm just tired of seeing people's nipples

on the train. You know, I get it, you work out, you shoos, and I know I know some people are saying, but wait, I'm not a shooter. I just want body armor for my protection. Don't worry. You don't need body armor, all right. If you're not doing anything in the Fairies, you don't need body armor. Yeah. This is something I've learned from American movies' is that you just need to keep precious family heirloom on your body that stops any bullets. Any times. It's like, bah, thank god, my mom's bible

stop the bullets. H bah. Oh, thank goodness. My grandpa's pocket watch saved me. Oh, thank god. I carry Grandma's cherish dildo with me all the time. Saved my life once again, Thank you, Grandma, Thank you so much. I'm just gonna that's soak in for a second week. All right. Finally, let's move on to a story about CNN, which stands for Cable News. Ninja's anyway for yours. CNN has been notorious for overhyping every story like it's, you know, the

zombie apocalypse. There's like breaking news. The mid term elections are now six months away, and not surprisingly, this approach has thoughts it to backfire as viewers have learned to tune it out. You know, like the boy who cried wolf, or in this case, the wolf who cried wolf. So because of that, because of that, CNN is making a big change. We start here with breaking news about breaking news involving CNN. The network has a new boss, and he says, CNN is now cutting back on over hyping

everything is quote breaking news. So much so that's inn has actually added a breaking news guideline to its style book, so you'll soon see a lot less of that breaking news banner at the bottom of the TV screen. Yes, CNN has cuts back on the overuse of breaking news, and to celebrate it, immediately put up a countdown clock to the moment when it will officially reduce the amount of breaking news. Very exciting, one thing at a time. But people, the truth is, the truth is most stories

are giant news in that way. I'm glad they're doing this. You know, great job, Chris Lee. There's only been like three breaking news stories of the past two decades, let's be honest, Like coronavirus and that time that guy put salt on his food but from up here. Yeah, most people put the salt from like down here, but he did it from up here. Y'all do change the game.

It's a technique. It's a whole thing. And now that Sena is acknowledging this, Now that they're acknowledging that not everything is breaking news, maybe just maybe all of cable news can acknowledge that maybe news doesn't need to be twenty four hours. Maybe uh, it's not necessary, you know, maybe you can wait to get old the facts and tell us the correct story at the end of the day. Just me possibly, how do you think about it? Think

about it? Think about it. Honestly, the first ten hours of any news story on cable news is just speculation. Breaking news. We're hearing that a tiger has escaped from the zoo and malled ten people as a sad day hold on, hold on, slight clarification. We're now hearing that the tiger was in the mall, and the mall has ten people. Everybody is alive, and oh hold on. Our sources on the ground are telling us it's not a tiger. It's a panda Express. There is a panda Express in

the mall. We're gonna stay on top of the story for the next twenty four hours. Breaking news, here's a big Even when there is news, most of it isn't that exciting. It's just everyday stuff that's boring but important. The economy is up, the economy is down. The government is doing something more likely not doing something. You know, so this is good and to lower expectations, CNN is actually replacing breaking news with a new graphic for stories

that are just normal stuff. And we have an exclusive look at what that will be. It's perfect. I think they did a great job. Well, don January six. That's why your uncle is calling you from a prison phone. January six wasn't just a way for Q and ON members to get their steps in. It was the culmination of a high level plot to overturn the election results.

And now, after a year of gathering evidence and speaking to over one thousand witnesses, the January six Committee in Congress is ready to spoil the ty on what actually went down. The primetime hearings, the January six Committee said to take their case to the American public how they planned to argue that Donald Trump and his supporters planned the insurrection in an effort to overturn the presidential election.

The committee and its members really want these hearings to be blockbuster Watergate style hearings, and they are meticulously crafted. They're trying to make sure that This does not look like other congressional hearings. Maryland Rep. Jamie Raskin has said that he expects that the hearings will blow the roof off of the house. Yeah, that's right. The January six hearings are starting tomorrow, and every broadcast network, every cable

news network is going to be covering this, obviously except Fox. Yeah. Yeah, they're gonna be spending all night talking about the real culprits. Why is nobody talking about how Congress has too many doors. If there's only one door, then out. This never would have happened. The crowd would have peacefully dispersed after hanging Mike Pence. Huh. You know who's gonna be torn about

the coverage of this, Donald Trump? Yeah, because think about on the one hand, he doesn't want anyone to know what he did on January six, But on the other hand, you know, he would love his hearings to get the highest ratings of all time. You know it. He's gonna be out there like, don't watch the hearings, folks. The fake news is saying I overthrew the government, which I didn't do, but it was the biggest overthrow of all time. But I didn't do it. I didn't do it at all.

What's the hearrings? Heal too? He'll see. So the Democrats are hoping that these hearings are gonna finish Trump off the same way that water Gates finished off Nixon. But the differences those water Gain hearings happened back in the nineteen seventies. That was a different time. They only had what three channels back then. Yeah, Americans only choice for entertainment in nineteen seventy was either chinking the Watergate hearings or chain smoking in between heart attacks. That's all they

could do. And I'll tell you this now. If the Democrats want everyone to watch, if they want Americans to pay attention, they can't just have their regular boring ass hearings. You know, you know those hearings where they act like they just dropped the bombshell and the rest of us have no idea why. But you'll never believe what happened next. The White House Council emailed the Chief of Staff and he bc ceed the assistant White House Council. Wait, what

why are all the cameras leaving? What's going on? What's going on? No? No, what they need to do? You want people to watch in America as you have to spice things up, you know, have a kiss cam going for the witnesses. Yeah, get Shakira to do a half time show. Oh you know what, they should just get sex involved. I'm gonna say it's yeah, that's what made the Bill Clinton scandals so big. You gotta give people

sex stuff. I don't know, like that guy who stole the podium, did he have sex with it after it? Or that guy who dressed in the animal skins. That was a sex thing, right, that had to be a sex thing. You know. Actually, I've been thinking about this hard and I figured it out. Americans like entertainment. Congress wants Americans to pay attention to politics. Those two don't mix. But there is one person who can make political machinations interesting for the masses. It's only one man. Lynn Manuel

Miranda how could have wed hed right wood. She would not support a break the border to get into the capital. Supported plowing order in the room where it happens, the room where it happens for you. We don't talk about br No No, No, half five burning how five five right. Let's move on to some international news, because while America is trying its hardest to preserve its democracy, Europe is

tackling major problems of its own iPhone charges. The European Union is officially adopting a common charger, the USB C that's the type of charger already used in most Android phones and other devices. All electronics sold in the EU will have to use a USB sport. That's in order to reduce cable clutter and electronic waste. Apple has their own proprietary charger, and they say the proposed rule could

render as many as a billion devices obsolete. All really, Apple, you're mad about a change coming out of nowhere that's going to render a billion devices obsoletes. That's funny because I've got to draw a full of white headphones that agree with you, not even Field. And you know, Apple claims, they claim that this new regulation is going to hurt them financially, but guys, let's be real. Apple always finds

a way to win. You know, they have the regulation, but they will find a way to spend this into making money, even if it's off of this Thanks to the EU, your old phone is obsolete now, and in the old days you might have just thrown it into the garbage but not anymore, introducing the eye garbage in a new way to throw out your phone. It's basically a regular garbage can, but like it's got round edges and it's kind of shiny. Anyway, it's a thousand dollars.

I'm gonna buy one of those. I would say this. If the USBC is going to become the default charger or on the world, they've got to come up with a better name than us b C. It's boring. I don't wants to say that you like Apple. They went with lightning charger and makes you want to charge your phone us b C. It sounds like you're filling out taxes with that. Did you feel like you're U S b C Canna change the name to something more badass? You know, I want to charge your phone so fast

your dick falls off. You need the thunder blaster. Yeah, that's the sound it makes every time you charge your phone. And by the way, can I can I just say how crazy it is that America is struggling, like, how do we protect our children from gun violence? Oh? How do we stop people from starving even when they work three jobs? There's nothing we can do. Meanwhile, Europe is so far ahead. They truly have first world problems, you

know that. You know, I was thinking about this when I was in the doctor's office not paying the other day. But isn't it so stressful how you have like one charger but and you need like a different charger. I was thinking about this. I mean, you know, there are many changes we could make here. I learned about this in university that I also didn't have to pay for. You know, you can apply your mind and you can do this. You know, it's on about your perspective. Guys.

All right, I'm going on paternity leave for an entire year, so you guys later I'll be des and choose. Al Right, enough about Europe right now, there's an even even bigger story brewing in the world of sports. You know, Usually in golf, the biggest controversy is that a player wore a two colorful shirts, you know, or someone said a bad word after they slice their shot a FOOI. This time, though, golf is tied up in a real scandal because some of its star players are switching to a new league

launching in Saudi Arabia. It's caused a major split in the golfing world. A controversial Saudi backed golf series teas off tomorrow. The tournament has secured several big names despite threats from the p g A Tour to sanction them. American golfer Dustin Johnson quitting the p g A and

joining the controversial league backed by Saudi Arabia. And this is coming after Phil Mickelson announced his comeback by joining the same league, despite previously describing the Saudi regime as scary mfors who have a horrible record on human rights.

I understand that many people have very strong opinions and may disagree with my decision, but at this time, this is an opportunity that gives me a chance to have the most balanced uh in my life going forward, and I think this is going to do a lot of good for the game. We all agree that when Phil Mickelson says this gives him the most balanced in my life, he means money, right, I mean, just say money. The reason that he has money, Yeah, because the Saudis are

reportedly paying him two hundred million dollars. Yeah, So just say it's the money. Start coming up with all these stories. I would say that to him, wouldn't even play those games I'd be like, yeah, you know what, I'm going to Saudi Arabia. They're giving me two hundred million dollars. Two hundred million dollars because he told me why you're going. Why I'll give you a million dollars if you shut there is he acting like you've ever had to make

this decision. People are kidding themselves about their morals. Everyone's like, Oh, I can't believe he's do you telling me that for two hundred million dollars wouldn't play golf for the saudiast He let me say, for two hudd million dollars, I would let the rule of Saudi Arabia set up his tea on my crutch. That's where he can hit it from. I can buy a new crutch with that money, a

better crutch. I'll be honest with you. I am torn when it comes to this issue, because, on the one hand, I do think boycotting a country like Saudi Arabia could effectively push them to create a less oppressive society. I believe that happened with South Africa during apartheid. People boycotted the country was embarrassed changed. On the other hand, there's an argument that maybe by bringing them in and exposing them to the rest of the world that might cause

liberal values to infiltrate their societies. Because it starts with golf, then over time it's racket sports, squash, tennis. Yeah. Yeah, now they're wearing shorts, getting more liberal. Yeah. Then maybe you add a bar where people men and women can hang out after their activities, and then boom, you've got a liberal society or at the very least a country club.

It's progress. I mean. The real question here is why why would you even want to play golf in Saudi Arabia in the first place, The sand trappers, the entire country. What are you doing? What you're doing it? All right? Finally, if you want of those people who can't seem to arrive on time for any meeting or any date or any events in your calendar, well, according to trend watchers, your time is up. Being fashionably late is no longer

in fashion. According to a New York Times article, it argues that now being fashionably late is out of fashion, that punctuality is cool in the third year the pandemic. Apparently, people are less sympathetic for old excuses of why you show up late to a meeting. The author of this says that now that more people have to go back into the office, they are more protective of their time that they've got to be there, and less forgiving about people who are late. That's right, people being on time

is cool. Now we're putting the punk and punctuality. How yeah, someone just charged their phone. But let's let's not get carried away with this, all right. I agree, Yes, it is good to be on time, especially for big things,

you know, like meetings at work or your wedding. Yeah, you don't want to be late for that, especially if you're the bride, because then, like the organ player, they're gonna have to a full time, you know, just be like done done dun dune, No, not yet, dune dune, dune, dune, dune, dune, dune, dune, dune, dune, still nothing dune dun no no no, no, no, no no no. So I agree, I agree. I think it

is good for people to arrive on time. But I will say this, I hate this culture of people who are personally offended by people who weren't there on the dot, who you disrespected my time and you disrespected my famity. Calm down, he get so touchy about it, and you would you know, back in the day, I get it, you had to wait at the mall until your friends showed up. You don't know where they were, you know,

if they were late or dead. You had no clue. Yeah, you didn't even know if you had stood up for a date. And so you saw the person the next time. Hey, what happened? Oh? I got married? What? But inwo no one should be piste off that that waits a little bit for somebody to show up. You've got a phone, people use it all right, Read the news, play a game, learn Japanese, and maybe you should answer one of those two thousand unread emails that I've seen on your phone. Well,

I was waiting for you. They're waiting for you. You're gonna be mad that I'm late to dinner. Then when I finally get to dinner, you spend half of the time looking at your phone. Why don't you do this ship before I got there? Huh? Why you've got the phone? Use it? I'm nate. No, Trevor, you came late. You came late, Trevor, I'm not late. I'm giving you an opportunity to watch things on I'm giving you an opportunity to watch a video of an orangutang pulling a guy

through a cage. Yeah, pulling him back. You've seen me before. You've never seen an orangutank pull a grown man into a cage and another guy comes to help him, and the rangingtang blocks him with his foot and the other guys like, all right, I'm not helping any more. This ship is crazy. And if you haven't seen that video, that's because you're probably always on time. The price of gas a k A petrol, a k A car, cocaine. There are a few commodities out there that affect the

cost of living more than gas. You know, it's how we get to work, it's how we ship products across the country, and it's how we let our ex know that we busted them cheating. Now, I don't need to tell you that over the past few months, the price of gas has been climbing faster than your grandpa's heart rate on viagraph. In fact, gas is so expensive instead of champagne, boilers have started ordering canvases of premium at the club. Yeah it was like baby, baby, that club

was really lit. And as the national average in America hits five dollars a gallon for the first time ever. People all over the country are doing whatever they can to stretch a tank as far as they can for a nation that feels like it's stuck right now. When gas gridlock, many drivers aren't sitting idle with story costs. They're getting creative that my salary hasn't changed. So I carpool with my sister to work. One week, she drives in the one week I drive. I just bought the

motorcycle now for twenty bucks. I used like for three days before days. It saves me a lot at a time gas prices are so high, bike sales are exploding. I've moved to the city. I don't need my car Canford gas and even Google Maps is your friend with an option to navigate based on fewer hills in traffic. Even police departments are understrained this Michigan Sheriff's Office is feeling the pain at the pump as well, according to its Facebook post, and has advised deputies to manage non

urgent calls over the phone. Well well, well, I guess Joe Biden did end up defunding the police. Yes, the secret what's just defunding everyone at the same time, so we didn't notice. I see you, Joe, very slick. But yeah, gas prices are so high even police have to do their jobs over the phone, which you gotta admit is going to be tough for some cops. You know, it's just gonna be like, all right, sir, are you black? Okay, then I'm gonna have to ask you to whoop your

own ass a little bit. Yeah, just risk yourself for no reason, just to be safe. You know who's actually gonna be hit the hottest by this, right, it's the Karen's. Yeah, because they're the main people calling the cops with non urgent ships. They're like, hello, police, They're the black man at the grocery store brying tricks cereal, which is illegal because tricks are for kids. Hurry, hurry quickly. But yeah, all over the country, Americans are doing anything they can

to save on gas, corp pooling, switching to motorcycles. Ship. I pretended to be sick this morning just to get a free ambulance right to work. It's definitely AIDS monkey pop symbol. I don't think I'm gonna make it. I don't how much longer I have. Oh wait, that that's my office. You guys can put you can drop me off here. Yeah, I'm gonna pull through. I'm gonna pull through. You guys can pull over here. I'm good. I'm good. Yeah,

I'm good. I'll see you guys tomorrow. All right, by back by back, you know, for real, it's it's actually times like this that a lot of people are glad they live in New York City because you don't need to pay for gas here. All right. You can walk, you can ride a bike, you can take the subway. And then with all that money that you saved not buying gas, you can afford a room the size of a coffin in New York concrete jungle where you have

ten roommates. There's no space for any of you. That was the verse they cut out of the song, but it goes to show you how desperate times are. America will do anything to save on gas right now. I mean not investing in mass transit, obviously, but anything else, anything else, And that means we're gonna have to move on, because unfortunately, gas prices aren't the only problem affecting American

people right now. And yes, I'm talking about guns, the never ending problem that America just cant seem to solve, which, now that I think about it, maybe America they shouldn't keep hitting the same brick. Well, maybe America can just use some of its problems to solve some of its other problems, you know, like like maybe the price of gas will get so high that mass shoots is won't be able to drive to a guns quote and buy weapons in the first guade, you don't need red flag laws.

The gap for fourty dollars a gathern But until that happens, lawmakers in Congress are trying to find any measure that can help reduce the amount of guns that end up in the hands of madmen, And yesterday the House took action. A major legislative package on new gun measures is headed to the Senate. After passing in the House yesterday by two twenty three to two hundred four vote, lawmakers approve

the Protecting Our Kids Act. The legislation is a collection of six new gun safety measures, including raising the minimum age to buy semi automatic rifles from eighteen and requiring that all firearms be traceable. Five Republicans joined Democrats and also supported the bill. It is, however, unlikely to pass in the Senate, where control is evenly split. One Republican congressman who voted against the bill, Congressman Steve Scalie, explained his opposition to new gun control laws. I go back

to September eleventh. Airplanes were used that day as the weapon to kill thousands of people and to inflict terror on our country. There wasn't a conversation about banning airplanes. Wow. Wow, that is a good point. I can't think of anyway flying changed after nine eleven. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get to the airport fifteen hours early, so the t s a time to on a background check on my champoon. You see, if it hasn'ty means six.

This is a terrible comparison. Nobody's trying to ban all guns. They're trying to add small measures to make people more safe, which is exactly what happened to air travel off the nine in eleven. I mean, do you even remember what airport security was like before nine eleven? You could basically walk onto a plane and just browse around like it was an IKEA. Yeah. You could just be like, no, I don't have a ticket. I just wanted to check out the cockpit. This is nice because what does this do?

Boop boop boop boop boop boopoo. This is fun, alright, have ax scafe trap. But this is the problem, you see, this is the problem that gun loves have in America. There's nothing else that is as unregulated as they want guns to be. So the options and the like the

analogies they use always don't make sense. There always like cars kill people too, but you don't regulate the wait, wait, actually I mean alcohol kills people too, but they wait, Actually, no way, medicine kills people too, but we don't regulate. Or no, wait we do. Let me think of guns killed people, but we don't regulate those. See what I did. That's I've gone back on myself. That's what I've done. But Despike, despite these dumbass objections from people like Steve Scalice,

the House still passed a gun control bill. The only problem is that everyone already knows that it has zero chance of passing in the Senate, which has gotta be rough for the House. You know, you work so hard on something that you know is going to lose. You know, they're like the New York Knicks of legislation. Like, what a weird system in America where one chamber of Congress spends all this time passing legislation that they know the

other chamber is going to shoot down. It's such a strange system, normal for America, crazy for most of the world. America is basically doing that thing that parents do with their kids, you know, you know those parents that are on the same page, Like you ask your dad, Dad, can we eat ice cream for dinner? And he's like, yeah, sounds good to me. But you gotta ask your mom. And you know mom is gonna say no, So I should have just asked her, why are you even a

part of this process? Well, if I got your mom on the record saying no, that I can run ads against certain next year and then we can get a new, cooler mom. Yeah. But what's especially interesting to me is that as modest as this bill is, only five Republicans voters for it. Only five, and get this, four of them aren't running for re election. Yeah, which is really interesting time and time again. You see, whenever Republicans aren't worried about pandering to Trump voters, all of a sudden,

they make common sense decisions and I'll be honest. This this has shown me something that like, maybe American needs to relook the process. Maybe people in Congress shouldn't get to be re elected. You just do one term and you're done. That's it. Yeah, because then American's politicians would finally care more about governing as opposed to getting re elected. You know. It's kind of like the same way people in relationships finally tell the truth when they're breaking up,

you know what I mean. Yeah, because the whole time you're worried about saving the relationship. But if you're not worried about that anymore, you become a lot more honest. All of a sudden, you're like, well, it's gonna end anyway, So I might as well tell you now that you fought like a beat boxing machine and your slave Sarah

the whole night. You back bah bah. Moving on, this week, Los Angeles is hosting the Summits of the Americas, because, contrary to popular belief, America isn't the only America in the world. Yeah. There are dozens of countries in North and South America, and every once in a while they get together to discuss issues that affect the entire region, and then they bitch about Christopher Columbus for this year's summits. The person most countries are bitching about is Joseph Robinette Biden.

Drama before the diplomacy officially begins this week in Los Angeles, where President Biden will be hosting the Summit of the Americas, there is a significant snub. The president of Mexico has announced that he is refusing to attend the summit because the US is not inviting Cuba, Venezuela, and Nicaragua over their lack of democratic values. But Mexico says the agenda of migration, economics, climate, and COVID is just too important to exclude, and you of the nations from this region.

The White House counters that it believes that no dictators should be invited. Wait a second, Joe Biden has stopped a Mexican from coming to America, you know wherever he is. Trump must be so piste off right now. He's like, Joe Viten is stealing my ideas. I'm the Mexican man. Mom. Well, seriously, though,

this is such a petty story. This is a meeting of the leaders of an entire hemisphere, but instead they sound like middle school mean girls, you know, it's just like, hey, Mexico, I'm having a party and you can come, but don't tell Cuba and Venezuela and Nicaragua because they're not invited. Like, oh, America, it's so brave that you think you're cool enough to even throw a party, you bitch. Oh my god, I will say this. I think we can agree that Mexico

was making a good point. America's stands on human rights violations seems a little inconsistent a right. Think about it. You won't even talk to Cuba and Nicaragua, but then you're gonna fly to Saudi Arabia and beg Prince Bone sorts release more oil. Huh. I mean it seems like America is a lot more tolerance of countries that have a little chur change. Is that what it is? Yeah?

In many ways, the American government is like a stripper. Yeah. Yeah, It's like if you ain't paying, they don't care about you. And I hope you know that Saudi Arabia, America is not actually into you. They're just saving up for college. That's all this is. It's not about to you, America. The transactions, there's a thing, there's a thing. Whether the US likes it or not, it is connected to these countries, right. They affect the United States, and the United States affects them.

Don't you think it's weird that you're gonna be talking about migrants from Nicaragua, but then Nicaraguay is not going to be at that summit. You don't think it's strange. It's gonna be like staging an intervention without the person there. You've got to get your life together, Barry, is what I would say. If Barry was here, I think this would have been good. Guys, this would have gotten through to him. It really would have been great. Where is Barry?

By the way, what drunk? Again? Well we tried. All right, that's over the headlines. But before we go, let's check it on the traffic without very own Roy would Jr. Everybody living nice? What's up? Roy? What's what's happening? What's happening in the I'm just looking, man, Ain't nothing happening. Ain't nobody out? Did he gas cost to damn much? Everybody at home? Ain't nobody on these roads today? Man?

It's looking pretty looking pretty good, you know, I'll be honest, man, with this is these gas prices, man, I kind of it's got me kind of rooting for market pox. Sorry. What how was traffic during the last shutdown? It was good, It was good. The last thing did think it was no tru happy, So bring back another pandefic boom traffic fix problem solved. The gas prices are getting out of hand. Like I kind of like the fact though that the

police can't respond to every call. That's cool for now, but then when the emergency start really start piling up, and it's gonna be bad. Man. Eventually, the police gonna have to start car pooling with the fire department and the ambulance. They're gonna have to ride together. Like, the only way they're gonna come save you is if all three things are happening to you at the same time, Like if you get shot, you got to set something on fire, then they'll show up. They're gonna have to

combine their vehicles. It's gonna get bad. They're gonna have to come check on you and a fire truck, ambulance cruiser. Yeah, the fire truck, ambulance cruiser. That's what all three police cruiser, ambulance, fire truck using boys and the traffic It's just just people going to errands, people just going to and fro man. It's just it's a beautiful thing. Man. It's just real quick about the gun longs stuff, the gun whatever they're

trying to pass. Yeah, the gun safety, that's part of it, all right, Can we like that's the only solution to gun violence is gun regulating guns and a lot of different things contribute to gun violence this country. I agree, you start with the guns, but then you look at communities, you you look at schooling, you look at eradicating poverty. I hear what you're saying, right, I don't talk about that.

I'm talking about lonely white dudes. I'm talking about we gotta have legislation, Like every lonely white dude got to have a friend. We got to legislate friends for lonely white man. And I think that's how we get that's

how we fix some of it. Like like it would be like jury duty, Like you think you gotta you think you can get to go out this week, but then you get a letter in the mail report to Gary's basement, and you gotta be gary friend for a little while because then them them lonely wife and ain't got no friends, man, So we don't let the lonely white man not have a friend. Okay, but then, but then one from a friend. Every lonely white dude gets

a friend, yeah, a group of friends. Yeah. But then, but then what if they put a lonely white man with another lonely white man. Then isn't that double dangerous? Oh that's called a militia. That's safer then a lonely white man. A militia is much safer than a lonely white man. Militia got uniform, they got a website, they got a schedule, they get per mixed, They let you know when they're gonna show up. Who would you rather do with a militia or a lone wolf militia? That's

what I'm saying, that's what we need. We need that because we gotta do. Somebody got to talk to these white white dudes in person. We tried talking to him over the internet, but read it didn't work. It was a big failure. Okay, well, let's get the traffic right. It's just so beautiful when you just scared. Let's get too. We got time. No, we've been ran out of time again for Yeah, we we just let me just know we we had it. We had this just real quick. Okay,

what are you gonna say? So that guy's gonna have itreck it's going. Thank you so much, right with Jude, everybody. Before we go, please consider supporting trans Lifeline. There are grassroots hotline offering direct emotional and financial support to trans people in crisis for the trans community, by the trans community, So if you can, then please donate to the link below to help their vision for a world where trans people have the connection, the economic security, and the care

that everyone needs and deserves. The Daily Show with Trevor Noa ears editions. Subscribe to The Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast