You're listening to Comedy Central. Following last week's extreme heats, California has announced that they will become the first states to introduce a ranking system for heat waves so people can easily understand how hot it's going to get. Which isn't that just temperature? Did they just invent the thermometer? Like what, I guess I could see how this will
be useful. It will be like hot, extremely hot, dangerously hot, and then in dress alba, and if it's indris alba, stay in dogs, stay indoors, and check on your grandmother. In economic news on Tuesday, the government reported that despite raising interest rates, inflation is still incredibly high, and in response, the stock market dropped points, the worst drop since And can I just say the stock market is a little bit no, I mean every single one of our which
must be really inflation, not infacion, down, unemployment. We just have to do it. We'll roll with it. But the slightest bad news and the stock markets like, oh I'm crash and this is my worst day two years. I don't think I can ever come back for amness. And then every time the next day it will be like so I might have reacted a little harshly yesterday, I might have ever reacted, and I feel like today's gonna
be my best day ever. So much drama. In science news, NASA is testing a new planetary defense system by launching a space probe directly into an asteroid to see if it can knock it off its course. Yeah, and I guess if that doesn't work, I'm assuming that's gonna go with Plan B, which is talking to the asteroid about bitcoin until it naturally veers away. It's just gonna drift
away from Earth. But let's move on to the big news of the day, and it is still about Queen Elizabeth, the second Queen of the Handels and the first men Lacy of the Great Grass Sea and Wales, mother of Corgis and maker of chains, of the ninety six years of living her best life. The Queen's passing has obviously made headlines all over the globe, so let's catch up on all those headlines in our latest installments of the
Royal Rumble. Today. Queen Elizabeth was laid in states at Westminster, and no surprise, the British went all out for it, because the British love doing ship all dignified, but they do have you seen the Changing of the guard. That's a forty five minute ceremony just to clock out. So when the Queen herself dies, best believed the pump was going to be everywhere. I'm talking streets filled with giant
British flags. I'm talking soldiers with their fanciest hats. I'm talking to cost get decked out with the royal crown on top of it, which means technically, for a while that casket was the rule of England. Yeah, I read that on Wikipedia, and officials expect that more than seven thousand mourners will come to see the queen lying in states, with people waiting up to thirty hours in a line stretching five miles long. It's basically like trying to vote
in Georgia. That's how dedicated you have to be to see the queen. But my favorite ritual, my favorite ritual in this whole thing is that, and this is completely true, the Royal beekeeper has to inform the Queen's bees that the Queen had died. That is a real thing that they have to do. And look, they don't have any footage of it, but I feel like I can imagine that it didn't go, well, hello everyone, Hello, I'm afraid
I have some difficult news. The Queen is dead. Yeah no, no, no, no no, not your not your queen, not your queen, the queen, not your queen. Calmed down, everyone, calmed down. Everything is going to be fine, and everything is gonna be fine. Okay, we have a new leader and Charles will now be the king coming in. So yeah, a
lot of people are mourning. But it turns out while the royal family has their official rituals, the people have their own way of mourning their beloved queen, and Buckingham Palace has politely asked them to cut that ship out. Who've also heard that authorities are asking the public to stop leaving certain gifts outside Buckingham Palace. What can you tell us about that? Yeah, so they're specifically asking people not to bring any more toy Bear. So this all
started during the Queen's Platinum Jubilee celebrations. The Queen participated in a video skit alongside an animated version of Paddington Bear that was a real hit here a sensation, and so in honor of that, people have been bringing toy bears and marmalade sandwiches, which were mentioned in naskit to the grounds of bucking In Palace. There have been so many bears brought that the Royal Park Service is asking people not to bring any more bears into instead bring
organic tributes such as unwrapped flowers. Okay, hold up, hold up, hold up. This woman ruled the world's largest empire, and that's what people remember her for. People like, oh the lady who are too with Paddington? Yeah? Are you kidding me? She was the longest reigning queen in world history. She drove an ambulance in World War Two. She knighted legends, han't she had Princess Diana killden. You remember her from
a sketch Paddington Bear. By the way, I'm not sure leading a trail of teddy bears outside the palace is a good idea. I mean, that's already how Prince Andrew finds his girlfriends. But it's not just marmalade em bears. People are leaving all sorts of things. They're leaving flowers, they're leaving pictures. I'll tell you what. This is a great opportunity to get rid of anything that you don't
want to. Just disguise it as a gift to be like, oh, glorious Queen, I honor you with this ottoman that has a wobbly leg. It is from the great Swedish Kingdom of Ikea. But while some people and bees are mourning her Majesty's passing, many other people are having a slightly different reaction. Not everything was scripted today. One person protesting Prince Andrew was quickly removed from the Crown a day earlier. It was signage not shouting that police in Edinburgh had issued.
This woman's sign was in protest and imperialism inflicted on the global South, she says, and now has been charged with breach of the peace. Another man, Simon Hill, where he was arrested and de arrested in Oxford, and a proclamation Sir a many for the king after he shouted out who elected him? I love that? I feel like everyone in the UK is amazing. It's like people heckling, you're sick. Old man's were like, who elected him? That's a great lion? Who made you kid? All right, your mom?
Sorry about that guy, but yeah. The police in Britain have arrested people for disrupting the royal ceremonies basically, but with their opinions, which I was like, you, guys, the crown has gotten soft. Someone just holding a sign. Your guys, back in the day, a crowd that didn't like you, their opinion would be that your body should be separated from your head. Now they're just holding up a sign. You can just turn me on the way. Yeah, you still gotta neck use it like you're gonna arrest the
lady in Scotland for holding a sign. I've seen, brave heart. When the Scottish want to protest the British crown, you'll know, you will know. And this really makes you appreciate how much freedom of speech people have you In America. You can do whatever you want. You you can say the president, you can give a congressman the finger, you can try to murder the Vice president. It's all free speech, baby,
It's all free speech. And the backlash, the backlash to the British monarchy hasn't just been coming from the United King himself, because in many parts of the world, especially Africa, people have a very different relationship with the Queen. Across the African continent, there have been people who are saying, I will not mourn for Queen Elizabeth and they heard it. More than a million people into concentration comes where they
were tortured and dehumanized. Which is why you see a statement like this from the South African opposition and party, the Economic Freedom Fighters, that said, we do not mourn the death of Elizabeth because to us, her death as a reminder of a very tragic period in this country, in Africa's history. During her seventh year reign as queen, she never once acknowledged the atrocities that her family inflected on many native people that Britain invaded across the world.
If there is really life and justice after death, Elizabeth and her ancestors get what they deserve. May Elizabeth and her ancestors get what they deserve. You know what I love about that line is that you can't really get angry, because if you do, then it means that you acknowledge what she deserves is bad? Mad she get what she did. How dare you say that, well, what does she deserve? I don't know, And I know some of these reactions seem extreme, but when you consider what the British Empire did,
these reactions are actually pretty reasonable. Right. You can't expect the oppressed to mourn the oppressor. It's never gonna happen. It would be like giving a eulogy for the guy who stole your hub caps. So I didn't know more Reese well, but he was definitely a go getter. By the way, has anyone seen my hub caps? And I know some people would say, but look, Trevor, the Queen wasn't really in charge. She's just a figurehead. You can't
blame her for the atrocities that the British Empire committed. Yeah, yeah, fair enough. But you also understand in her entire reign she never repented. She never once made amends. Right, there wasn't even one like notes apopology on her Twitter. Nothing. I mean her crown. Her crown still has that big asked diamond that they took from South Africa. Right, it still has the color and diamond is the ultimate conflict diamond. The least you could do is give it back to
who I don't know. I don't alone, looks like you could. You could try. Don't find find a South African who hosts selating a TV shows. It could be any one of them. Then will be on the clock to forgive me. There is a ton of baggage surrounding the British monarchy and it has a lot of people asking questions about its future. You know, should it continue, Should they make ted Lasso the Queen? You know, he might surprise you.
Should British taxpayers have to continue funding the royal family or should they just privatize it the crypto dot com King of England. Either way, it's gonna say a lot of work to shape the monarchy into something that everyone can get behind. But based on his first weekend power, it looks like King Charles isn't the guy to do it. When we begin with King Charles and his problems with pens, his reign to this point has been marked by pen problems.
The latest was in Northern Ireland where he wrote the wrong date on a document and then the pen started leaking. He's gonna get and that trouble came just days after Charles appeared to get angry when there were too many pens on a desk he was using, urgently telling an aid to get rid of them quick, quick, quait, I'm sorry, what the hell was that? You see that thing he did? Okay? He's also the rule of an animal kingdom. And by the way, I love how Charles says it depends leak
on him all the time. Are the way bloody you literally the King of England. Dude, if you don't like the pens, get different pens. I'm not an expert in the monarchy, but I'm pretty sure the hierarchy doesn't go Prince William, King Charles and then the guy who buys the pens. I don't think that's how it goes, just getting new pen. I will say, though, I feel kind of bad for him. I do because in the old days, the king would have never had these issues. There's be
no leaking pens. Also, the king would never get corrected after righting the wrong date that that just would have been the new dates. The king would just be like Valentine's Days the fifteenth right. But yes, of course my note, of course, my lord. Cancel your dinner everybody. I don't care if you are going to propose, just cancel it, Patty can now, Look, maybe King Charles is just stressed out right now. Maybe that's why this is happening, because
becoming king is a lot of pressure. I mean, there's like fifteen different forks to memorize, and you have to sleep with that crowd on. That's not comfortable. But if you paid attention to King Charles back during his prince days, you would know that this is pretty much how he's always been. The Prince of Worlds has grown up in such a privileged lifestyle that he doesn't have mechanics to choose for himself anymore. Everything he's done for him is
pajamas oppressed. Every morning is che lasers are pressed flat with an iron. The water temperature has to be just tepid and only half full. Prince Charles does have his valets squeeze one inch of toothpaste onto his toothbrush every morning. If anyone gets anything wrong, everybody has scolded. On one occasion, he rang me from his library and he said, oh, Pauled, a letter from the Queen seems to have fallen into my waste paper bin. Would you pick it out the way?
His paper bim was there. He was sat there. I had to bend down into the paper bin and pick out the letter put it back on his desk. Will that be all, your Royal highness? You know what? This guy had to bend down and pick something up for Charles for it, like when I was a kid. After King's had to pull swords out of stones. This dude can barely pull his dick out of his own pants. Percy, I need assistance. Don't cancel, you're dead. I need to pay. You know, you know what this this, this tells you.
The story about Charles is like one The royals have been royally spoilt, all right, and too. I can tell you that nobody who works in that palace is African, because I'll tell you not if there was one African mom who worked in that palace. You try and pull that, you try and pull that, just be over there, just be like, can you come and pick this farm? And should be like are you are you? Are you miss your us right now? Are you telling me to pick up? Well? I am that there is only one king and that
is Jesus. He's only one king in this way, and that is Jess. You pick up that pepper. You pick up that pepper now, Charles. But look, instead of getting angry, maybe we need to understand that the Royals aren't ordinary people. You know, They're like strange creatures you need to observe from a distance to understand. And that's probably why David Attenborough has teamed up with the BBC once again for a new kind of nature show. Here we have a rare sighting of a silver hairs Charles, who has just
been made leader of his island kingdom. He is the alpha now and he is not afraid to display his dominus. The rest of the tribe watches as the alpha performs a ceremonial task, the ritualistic marking of his territory on an incredibly large piece of pain. A goodwit ches he's disleased a tossom over the positioning of a pen. He bears his teeth and attempt to intimidate, and you can feel this checks the message has been sent. Your new ruler isn't at. Let's kick things off with one of
the most amazing and positive stories involving a billionaire. You know how most billionaires only seem to want to get more and more and more billions so that I guess they can afford the new iPhone. Well, it turns out
not every super rich person thinks like that. In an extraordinary active charity, the founder of the outdoor gear and clothing brand Padagonia has given away his three billion dollar company ownership has now been transferred to especially created trust that is going to use any profits not reinvested in the business to fight climate change. That's expected to be roughly one hundred million dollars a year. Three year old Evan Shenard, who started Patagonia roughly a half since a
year ago, said quote, we are making Earth our only shareholder. Wow. The founder of Patagonia decided being a billionaire was too much balling for any one person, and so he's decided to give all the money away, which which will you think about? It is actually the most bullet move of all time. Huh yeah, because who's more of a baller the person who has a billion dollars or the person who literally used a billion dollars to make it rain.
That's what he's doing because the Earth is going through a dropt He saw what happened in California, is like, I'm gonna make it rain. And who would have thought that a billionaire could give away his money to help the planet instead of trying to escape it in a penis rocket. I didn't even though that was possible. I didn't know, but apparently you can. And if I'm the Earth, this is great news for me because I mean, yeah, pollution is killing me. But now I'm rich enough to
stunt on other planets. Where's your private jet? Pluto? Are you even a planet anymore? Bamn bad. I would say it's gonna be a little bit awkward for if astronaut's kids when they try to explain why they didn't inherit their dad's billions. You know, it's like, so did your father give you the money? It's like, no, he gave it to a polar bear. It's like, damn, you probably suck. Now, if we had more time, we could talk about how the founder of Patagonia is showing us that you can
still be super rich and not be a billionaire. And he's showing that hyper capitalism isn't the only way of business can run, and it can still be successful, and it can still make money and it can contribute as much as it gets. But we don't have the time to talk about that, because while the owner of Patagonia is trying to be the biggest advocate, Florida government run the Sanctus is trying to be the Earth's biggest dick.
Now that dramatic and controversial twist in the battle over immigration. Overnight, the governor of Florida taking credit for sending at least two planes filled with migrants to the wealthy Massachusetts island of Martha's Vineyard. The planes carried fifty migrants from Venezuela, and the island community was given no heads up about it. All they did was see some planes and a bunch
of people come off. The group arrived with children and some elderly family members, all of whom could not speak English. The community though at it together they helped them. They set them up in a nearby church overnight. Now what's truly bizarre about this situation is all of these immigrants came from Texas, and it appears in one of the planes were provided by Florida specifically to bring them here.
You know, there's assholes and then there's this guy. No, because you know, sometimes you know someone is so terrible. The would asshole doesn't quite capture the essence enough, you know, because everyone is an asshole. Like my neighbor is an asshole. You know, drivers and trafficer assholes. Hell, I'm an asshole, but run the sanctists. He's like, he's like the little edges, little ridges around the asshole. They're really catchhole the ship
because I can't show you that on TV. Here's a picture of a star wos mold, so you know exactly what I'm trying to say, just those little because here's the thing. Remember, run the Sanctists is the governor of Florida. So why is he grabbing refugees in Texas and shipping
them to Massachusetts? Huh? Why? So he can prove that American's immigration system is broken yet everyone knows that, But instead of pushing lawmakers to actually reform the system, he's doing taxpayer money to what go viral because it's what he what he what he wants to do, right, And that's what gets to me. If you told the Sanctors to spend the same amount of money helping these asylum seekers, he'd be like, oh, we don't have the funding for that.
But to troll the Democrats suddenly he's like, put it on my card. Yeah. And by the way, America actually has a history of doing this. In the nineteen sixties, racist organizations in the South shipped black people up to northern states to make liberals uncomfortable but wrong. The Sanctus obviously doesn't know about that because the pages in his
history books were torn out any states, So I get it. Now, if we had more time, we could delve into a long history of how American lawmakers are all too happy to put tons of resources into destabilizing Central and South American countries, but when the effects of that destabilizational felt in America, suddenly they don't have the money to pay
for the consequences of their actions. But we don't have the time to get into that, because while American lawmakers arguing about what's happening at land borders, Americans on the internet are at woolf about what's happening under the sea. The new trailer for the live action remake of The Little Mermaid already has more than a hundred million views. While it's got a lot of fans, it is also
being attacked by some internet rolls. The actress Hallie Bailey stars as Ariel in Disney's new live action film, and she looks at nothing like the animated Little Mermaid with red hair from the original nine classic. The trailer has received more than one point five million dislikes on YouTube. Then there are the ugly racist tweets the Little Mermaid is white not black rally, people were doing this again, Huh, she looks nothing like They're nothing like. They both have
the tail, they both have the red. She looks nothing like her. How do I even know that she's not Mermaid? Once again, a bunch of Internet racists so upset that a fictional character is being played by a black person. And honestly, I don't know what the big deal is. You guys realized that Nemo was black too, right, Yeah, that whole movie was about a fish who can't find his dad. Yeah, calm down, calm down. I can say that because my dad left and he's white. So who's
racist now? He was so ridiculous. First of all, of course, the Little Mermaid is black, alright. Everyone whose name starts with little is black. Little Wayne, little Nazacs, little Kim. Honestly, if you heard that there was a woman named Little Mermaid, you just assume that she's on the track with Cardi b. You know, with not wet ass flippers. So look, so look, stop being ridiculous. It's imaginary, you know. I hope the
scandal doesn't overshadow the rest of the movie. The Little Mermaid is a beautiful story about a young woman changing her core identity to please a man. Let's not forget about that. People I'm looking. If we had more time, we could talk about how Disney already created a black Mermaid thirty years ago and nobody can, or how there's still plenty of white princesses for little girls whose dream it is to be in a monarchy. And let's not
forget you can still watch the original Little Mermaid. It's not like if you tried to turn it aroun, Mickey's gonna jump out of the screen and be like, but we don't have time for that. Because racism isn't just on Twitter. It turns out it's also ruining the NBA, deceiving the major headline out of the NBA. They have now suspended Phoenix Suns and Phoenix Mercury owner Robert Sarver
for a year. They find him ten million dollars after a nearly year long investigation that detailed in appropriate behavior during his eighteen years with the team. The league says Sarver, whose teams are mostly black, repeated the N word five times, bullied employees, and sent pornographic material, including a video, to staffers. Server also allegedly made jokes frequently to employees in large and small settings about sex and sex related anatomy. Who they say, this guy was using the N word, he
was bullying people, and there was sexual harassment. That's a triple double and HR violations. I mean, how do you justify sending pawn to yours? What are you doing? What's what's the rationale? Has been? Like, you see that gang bang video that I emailed you, Well, that's the kind of teamwork I want to see on the court tonight. People, come on, get out there now. To be fair, To be fair, Sava wasn't calling black people the N word,
all right. He was just allegedly repeating black people's use of the N word and then complaining about why he couldn't say it but they could, but he was saying it. So he isn't necessarily racist. But he's definitely a moron. And here's what I don't get. Here's what I don't get. If you're someone who wants to walk around saying the N word, then pretty much the worst place in the world for you is the NBA. He's like, I love saying d N word and I hate the sound of
squeaky shoes. Well, my man, you shows the wrong field. Now, if we had more time, we could talk about whether or not a one year suspension is enough of a punishment for what this owner has done, because if you can't learn in five minutes that you shouldn't be saying the N word, and I'm not sure that the year is gonna help. But we don't have the time for that, because while the NBA is dealing with one bad owner, there's a scandal in the chess world right now that
is shaking the entire sport. A cheating scandal is rocking the world of chess like never before. After World chess champion Magnus Carlson recently lost a match to young up and comer Hans Nieman, Carlson abruptly quit the tournament and then posted a cryptic tweet that many interpreted as an accusation that Nieman had cheated. Since then, speculation has run wild about how Niemen could have cheated, with some people suggesting that some kind of wearable vibrating device could have
been feeding him moves. A world champion has never withdrawn from a chess tournament before this in the history of the game of chess, so it's really unprecedented. Yeah, you damn right, this is unprecedented. A chess grand master might have been cheating that is disgusting. The game of chess is sacred. It's an ancient game of skill and strategy
with the little horses that you plew with. Now, even though lots of people are accusing Niemen of cheating, nobody can say exactly how he did it, although you may have heard them say vibrating yeah. The one theory which the Internet is running wild with is that he used vibrating anal beads to tell him what moves to make, which I know sounds nuts, but I get why someone would use vibrating anal beads to cheats, you know, because even if you lose, you still kind of win, you know.
And let's be clear. Let us be clear, there is absolutely no place for sex toys in the game of chess, except for the pawns and the bishop. If you nasty before we go, please consider supporting a Vibrant Emotional Health. They're a nonprofit dedicates it to helping people achieve emotional well being with innovative community programs as well as the nine eight suicide and crisis Lifeline. So if you want to support them in their valuable work, then please donate
at the link below. Watch the daily show weeknights at eleven tenth Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast