You're listening to Comedy Central. Only crown the reason you need to adjust your two masque budgets. The new variant has now been found in seventeen American states. Yeah, and honestly, by the time you see this, it will probably be up to like eighty states. Now, there is some good news. Dr Fauci says that, while it's still too early to know for sure, it looks like omcron spreads more easily
than Delta, but maybe less severe. Yeah, which means COVID might have watered itself down so it could reach more people like the ice Cube of Corona variants. And that would be amazing if it's true. I mean, like if COVID just made people sick instead of killing them, I mean, that would be a game changer. You know, it's still not great, but it's better. Imagine if Freddy Krueger started giving teenagers diarrhea instead of killing them. That's a major
improvement and a really weird movie, don't you get it? Man, If you poop in your dreams, you poop in your bed, I guess I'll just wash the sheets. Oh yeah, it's gonna be a whole laundry day. Still, even if that turns out to be true. Nobody wants another big wave of COVID cases. Nobody wants that, which is why today Mayor Bill de Blasio announced that New York City will be the first city in the country to require all
private employees to be vaccinated. Yeah, which means you can feel better now knowing that the guys selling you your fake vaccine card on the corner, well, he's also going to be vaccinated. And thanks to fears of omicron, there's now a surge in demand for vaccines all over the world, although not for everyone. A dentist in Italy is in hot water for trying to get his COVID vaccine in a fake arm and he turned up for the shot with a fake um covering his real um, hoping the
nurse wouldn't notice. But when the nurse called up his sleeve, she found this skin rubbery, cold and the pigment too light to reading the comments of the reason. He gave me a half smile and asked me to pretend I didn't know anything and to give him the vaccine anyway. And I realized that he was wearing a silicon body suit, the silicon bodysuite, the nurse is talking about would have looked something like this. There are several of them online
for sale. It's so wait to wait. This dude just put on a fake suit like he was starring in the House of Gucci, and then he thought that that would fool a nurse. Well, man, nurses put needles in arms all day. They know what a real arm feels like. Like if a nurse feels cold, rubbery skin, they're definitely gonna be like, wait a minute, already gave Mitch McConnell his shot. Who are you not to mention this is Italy. That's the hardest place to pull off a fake arm.
How comma, you're not the moving your hands around the when you talk. I am one of those Italians who doesn't ad all that. I let my mouth do the talking. That is no such a thing. Look mad. To be fair, guys, you can't be that mad at a dentist for lying to a doctor. I mean, how many times have you gone to your dentist and said, oh, yeah, I definitely flushed many times a day. He learned it from us,
you know what I mean. I gotta say that, so man, I respect the ingenuity these people are getting more and more creative. These folks have come along away from drinking bleach, and you got to respect that. You started with the drinking, the bleach themes, a little bit of the horse medicine, and then they was fake vaccine cards and I'm a man just got a whole almon. That's what we need to start selling, dog fake on homes. Yeah, fake arms. I don't encourage them. Roy Hell yeah, fake arms. That's
what we should start selling. But he may not encourage him. It's money, it's money to be made. People are willing to pay top down. This man a bottle old but naked suit on the internet to keep from getting a shot. If you missed out the money man, you know him right though you know him right? I don't know about that, all right. Let's move on from COVID to the other big event that sweeps the whole world, the Olympics. It's when all the nations of the world compete to see
who has the best steroids. They are also a chance for countries to come together in harmony despite their differences. But sometimes there are some differences that are too big to set aside, and that's when it's time to play a new Olympic sport hardball. Now to more breaking news. The US will not send any diplomatic representatives to the Beijing Winter Olympics. Press Secretary Jensaki announced the boycott, citing
China's ongoing genocide and human rights abuses. In the past, first ladies, even presidents have led the US delegation to the Olympics, but this move by the by the administration will mean no US government officials attend in protests of China's human rights abuses. American athletes, however, will still be
allowed to compete. Wow wow, wow wow, that's huge. There will be no American government officials at the Olympics, which means if they want to watch it, they'll have to do it the way the rest of us do, by turning on the TV and then getting brought off the three minutes and then turning it off. And that's a real shame that the American officials won't be at the Olympics, because you realize Kamala Harris was about to become the
first black woman to ever watch a hockey game. But I mean, honestly, it doesn't surprise me that Joe Biden would do this. It doesn't surprise me at all. For one thing, he cares deeply about human rights. For another, he's seventy nine years old. I mean, he's not about to fly across twelve time zones to watch a bunch
of Norwegians sweep and ice rink. That's the one cool reason to be president, right, most of us, if we don't want to do something, we have to come up with some lame excuse and then everyone else shows up and talks about how we didn't come. But if you're president, you can just be like diplomatic boycott. No one is allowed to attend Emily's birthday brunch. Now. The reason the US is doing this diplomatic boycott of the Olympics is to protest China's abuses against the vegas right, which the
US government has declared a genocide. And when you when you think about it, it's a little weird to accuse an Olympic host of genocide but then still send all of your athletes to that country. I mean, it's it's genocide. At least pull out the Bob sled team. Because now all you're doing is saying, you know, all our boring people, well, we're not sending them. That's the punishment back. If Biden really wanted to punish China, he shouldn't withhold government officials. No,
he should send government. In fact, you know what he should send the ones nobody can stand. Yeah, if you want to get back at China, you have Margory Taylor Green in the stands. The only way a speed skater could move that quickly is with Jewish magnets. Okay, we'll let the Vigas go. Please just take her back first off, without his global warm and able like six when Olympics left, they should have gone. They that many when the Olympics
left in the first place. The bigger question I have you You might notice because you you're more international than me. What does the diplomat do? They just show up and they go, hey, man, America's good, We're good America. Make sure you like them. They that's essentially a diplomat. Then they're influencer. They're just a political in FLORENCEA. That's what you do. You influence the country. Honestly, if you want to make the win the Olympics more exciting, this what
they need to do Africa. They need to do the summer events in the winter. That's how you get to win the Olympics popping. I don't know ship about no Bob Solt, but I love track and field. Oh, you're the fastest person on the track. Let's add some ice. See what you do now? I'm an email to I will see you know him right? I would want to watch those you're telling me, Michael Phelps and ice water. You're telling me that's not entertaining, Michael Phelps and ice water.
Michael Felts on the ice is even more entertaining. Sliding. All right, let's move on to our next story, which is about jobs, how we pass the time on till we die. Over the past few months, more people have been quitting their jobs than ever before. But while that's going on, some people are still big coming unemployed the old fashioned way by getting fired, And one ceo just came up with a new and terrible way to do it.
A web boss had some brutal news for more than nine of his workers who had just joined him on a Zoom call. You're fired less than four weeks from Christmas. Dumped via Zoom, the mortgage startup better dot Com fired nine percent of the workforce in a Zoom call that lasted less than three minutes. Thank you for joining. Um, I come to you with not great news. This is the second time in my career I'm doing this and I do not do not want to do this. The last time I did it, I cried. UM. This time,
I hope to be stronger. If you're on this call, you are part of the unlucky group being laid off. Your employment here is terminated, effective immediately. Okay, First of all, you can't say if you're on this call you're unlucky enough like the call as an optional thing and then people got tricked into it. That's on bullshit. If you're on this call, well I'm not on this call. Am I still fired out of here? Man? People getting fired
at once, that's not a firing, that's a rapture. I mean, a big group firing is the most impersonal thing you can do. If you respect an employee, you should have the decency to sit down and tell them to their face why you think they suck and so we fired over Zoom is especially tough because I mean, you can't storm model dramatic. You know, if you fight in the office, you get to be like you'll be working for me one day. Bang. But on zoom. You have to be like,
you'll all be working for me one day. Wait, where's it leave? Leave me? No, that's gallery view, that's mute. Am I am? I gone? No, okay, you'll all be working for me one day. Hold on, Hey, how do I how do I quit this thing? How do I can Dennis help me with this? Can we got Dennis help me? I can't. Yeah, the button is not working for me to leave. Oh man, I hope you guys are working for me one day so you can help
me with this kind of stuff. You know, the worst part for me was how the CEO made it all about himself as well. Oh this is so tough. I hope I don't cry again. What are the people supposed to do? Comfort you for firing them? There? There, It's okay, I am expendable. I get it. I get it. I mean not to mention. I don't think anyone should ever get fired before Christmas. It totally ruins the season. If you're gonna fire someone on a holiday, you do it
on Valentine's Day. Yeah, that way, at least you give them an excuse. Baby, I would have gotten you something, but a boss set me free. President Biden held a video meeting with Vladimir Putin to warn him not to invade Ukraine. Yeah, and a video chat is a tough way for both of these guys to do diplomacy. I mean, especially because even when he's in person by and talks
like he's got a bad connection. Man, come on, man, Glad, you gotta you know, with the thing we're trying to do on the border, you gotta, man, we gotta, we gotta come on, come on, come on, Remember luck, Joe, you're cutting out. No, Joe, I cannot hear you're cutting reboot your you know what every boot for you. I have access to White House servers, not Kamala. She doesn't use bluetooth to everybody else. All right, let's move on to some technology news. Everyone loves Tesla cars. They're like
if a preisted Ayahuasca. But now they're on the fire for a new feature that allows drivers to play video games like Solitaire on the dashboard screen while driving. Yeah, which, guys, come on, how are we supposed to drive and play video games and text and eat breakfast and do our makeup and flip with other drivers for not paying attention to the road. It's too much now, people and also, I can't emphasize this enough. It's not worth dying in a car crash just to play a video game. I mean,
at least not Solitaire. No, We've got a war was on there then yeah, I'll drive off a cliff, but Solitaire ship St. Peter will be roasting your ass at the Pearly gates. Silent are your bitch has dad for salent? This is hious. Your mother there, come here is come here is Yeah, bring Jeffrey Epstein with you can bring Jeffrey with you know, this ship is crazy? Wait what Jeffrey Epstein's in heaven. We're just gonna carry on like that didn't happen. Guys, We're just gonna let that how
did you get into? All right, let's make like every batchelor the Red Party and go to Nashville, Tennessee, where another Confederate statue has been removed. This time it's one that was put up in the nineties. Nineties. Yeah, and it's of the first KKK leader, Nathan Bedford Forest. And I'm gonna be honest, you know this. The statue here was actually the one Confederate statue that I feel should have been kept up because I mean, look at it.
Ship is hilarious. What have you ever seen a statue with the General looks like he's shooting his way out of a salute. You know, he's just like his horse doesn't even have reins. Every other statue the generals said, like a wise old man, This dude looks like he stole a horse in red Dead Redemption. I'm dead god out here, ah, I mean, look at his face. I've never seen a statue that's panicked. Who makes a statue of your moment of panic? He looks like he found out.
He just found out what a Barack Obama is. They said, what, he's the rule off? Who Ah. In fact, I realized, you know, we don't need to take down any Confederate statues. Yeah, we should just say whoever designed this statue has to design all the other statues. Then both sides win. Yeah. And if this general really did look like this in real life, I think it would explain a lot. You know, he's probably the first guy at the Clan Riley who said, you know what, we should all wear pillow cases over
our faces. You maine to scare the darkies. Oh yeah, sure, that's why for centuries humans have thought that the moon is as barren and empty as Chris Cromo's work schedule, but that might all be about to change. China's moon rover as spotted a mystery object on the horizon while working this way across a crater on the far side of the moon. In this photo, it's about two and sixty feet away, and you can see what looks like
right angles on a square object. The rover is expected to spend the next two to three months trying to get closer. The cube shaped object was described in Chinese as quote a mystery hut. Uh no, hell no, anything called a mystery hut you've better stay away from. I mean, best case scenario, it's a pizza place that picks the toppings for you. But most likely you're just gonna get molested. And by the way, what was that? What was that about?
Did you hear that way? They said it's going to take two to three months to reach the mystery hut that's two d and sixty ft away. What did they send up their door dash driver? Or he's got a complete delivery on other planets first and then he'll be right there. Here's an idea, here's an idea. What if we leave the mystery hut alone. Mean, I'm just saying, between a pandemic and climate change, maybe now is not a great time to risk opening up an ancient box
that we found on the Moon. I mean, chances are it's probably just going to be a bouldo or something, because let's be honest, the Moon is boring. You know, it should be this incredible thing. But whenever we get used from space scientists, it always feels like we're hanging out with like a like a toddler. I found a walk. Wow, well done, scientist, I found a bigger walk. Jesus Christ. Well done, scientists. But let's move on from the least
inhabited place to the most New York city. The holidays are a great time of year here in New York. The store windows are decorated, the rockettes are performing, and if you're really lucky, a beautiful snowfall will trap all of the dog poop and garbage on the street for three months, after which it will thaw and fill the air with the sweet smells of spring. But apparently not every New Yorker has the holiday spirit, because last night someone set fire to the fifty ft Christmas tree outside
the Fox News sto videos. And it's not clear how this happened. I mean, it could be an accident, could be awesome, could be Santifa. It's not clear. And unfortunately we can't asked the tree because like all Fox employees that had to sign an n d A. But for the network that invented the War on Christmas, let's turned out to be the best gift that they could have usket for. I think it tells the bigger story. I mean, since this is this city is so out of control,
especially in Midtown Manhattan, you we used to love. It goes to the larger issue of safety. And we have been talking for a very long time. This city has gone south when it comes to safety. We don't feel safe when we come to work in the morning. We don't say it feels safe when we go home at night. Think about it. Who's earlier point? Who sets a Christmas tree on? It's a tree that unites us, that brings us together. It's about the Christmas spirit. It is about
the holiday season. Uh, it's about Jesus, It's about Hanukah. It is about everything that we staying for as a country. Great wait wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, great, great Christmas tree represents a lot of things, but one thing it definitely does not represent is Hanukka. I mean, if it did, that tree would have had to burn for eight days.
Come on, people, I mean, that's a weird thing for anyone to say, but especially Fox News, because these are the guys who spent fifteen years insisting that we have to say Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays, and now all of a sudden, the Christmas tree is half Jewish. It's all about the holidays, all the holidays, And honestly, even corning this thing a tree is such a stretch because I don't know if you saw this. Once the flames went out, it turns out that this thing was
just like scaffolding covered in pine needles. I'm sorry, but that's not a tree. That's just a jungle gym with a body hair problem. But I will say this, I agree with Fox News hosts. They totally right. People. The crime in New York has gotten out of control. The city is a war zone. Blood and death is on every corner. The rats have joined gangs. Everybody needs to leave so that my rent can go down and I can finally find some space on the subway, but mostly
because it's not safe and there's murdered rats. The poor rats have been murdered. Sorry, wait, they're murdering whatever brings down my rent. Guys. That's what's happening in New York, all right. And finally a story out of Finland, the country in a throutle with no way in Sweden. Finland has one of the youngest prime ministers in the world, thirty six year old Santa Maron, and that comes to
all sorts of challenges. For instance, last weekend, officials tried to text Maren to let her know that she had been exposed to COVID and needed to isolate, but she didn't get the message right away because get this, she was out at a club until four am. Yeah, which, if you ask me, it is pretty baller. I mean, especially in Finland because they only get like one hour of sunlight a day that she's probably gonna sleep through
that right, And people were angry. People were angry that she didn't have her phone with her, but I mean, it would have been worse if she'd gotten the message while she was at the club. All shit, I might have COVID. What I can't hear you copy your hands over your mouth and scream directly into my face. But guys, I can also understand why she wouldn't be checking her messages because come on, how hard can it be to run Finland? The biggest debate in that country is deciding
what temperature to set the saunas at. What's their stress? You know? The scandal actually just proves why America is right though, to only elect old people. They'll never have this issue. The only reason Joe Biden would be awake at four am is to pee. That makes me feel safe. When the COVID pandemic first swept the world in the UK was one of the countries that were hardest hit,
and it responded with a national lockdown. All non essential stores were closed, public and private gatherings were banned, and Megan and Harry were forced to socially distance seven thousand miles away. But now we'll I think that some of the people who imposed the lockdown weren't obeying it themselves. Boris Johnson is facing fierce criticism this morning. A leaked video show senior Downing Street staff joking about a Christmas party thrown by the British Prime Minister during last year's
Tier three COVID lockdown. This video shows AIDS rehearsing for a briefing four days after the alleged party. Twice there was a Downing Street Christmas person on Friday night. Do you recognize I went home? Hold on? Um, uh uh, what's the answer? I don't know this mine al right, it's a business His fictional party was a business meeting
and it was not socially distance. The insensitive remarks were recorded just days after an alleged Christmas celebration at ten Downing Street a year ago, a time when COVID restrictions in the country banned such gatherings, and while Britain was battling with overflowing hospitals and rising COVID deaths. In Parliament, the Prime Minister addressed the scandal. I was also furious
to see that clip. I have been repeatedly assured since these allegations emerged that there was no party, and that and that no COVID rules were broken, and that is watched. I have been repeatedly we saw them practicing the lie, and now you're gonna tell us that one must believe the lie. There was no party. You guys have to believe the thing that we saw is a thing, is not a thing. It is a thing. Everybody must believe me.
You know, Boris Bars will be a lot more believable if it didn't look like someone just pulled him out of a mush pit. And guys, it's not. It's not just Boris. By the way, it was like every month we catch another politician breaking their own COVID rules. Gavin Knewsoon went to that fancy restaurant, the Mayor of Austin flew to carbol Andrew won't kiss that bat. At the same time, I get why they broke COVID rules to have that party. I mean, people look forward all year
long to the office Christmas party. It's the only chance you have to hook up with a coworker, have everyone in the office see it, and then pretend like it never happened. It's like a whole past from HR. But the worst part is how they're on video joking about it. I mean, it's one thing to break your own rules, it's another thing to laugh about it. It's yet another thing to videotape it. It's like they're trying to win the dumbass Triathlon. If they manager scandal that badly. How
did they handle the pandemic? What even worse? Total disaster? That makes sense. I do feel bad for them. You know that this whole thing came out a year later, because this scandal it's happening now, but the videos from a year ago, because I'm sure after the first six or eight months, they probably thought it was over. You know,
they probably thought they've gotten away with it. It's almost like imagine if you were at work and then your eighth grade teacher walked in, like we finally tracked down whose gum that was under the desk. Mister, you're getting two weeks detention? What I'm thirty seven? Do you want it to be three? But let's move on to a politician who never even had the chance to face calls
for her resignation. Hillary Clinton. Five years after somehow losing an election to the world's worst person, Hillary is hoping that her failures can become a teachable moment for the rest of us. Hillary Clinton, for the first time, sharing the victory speech she hoped to deliver in the presidential election. Clinton revisiting the speech as part of a masterclass video being released today on the topic of resilience. I've never shared this with anybody. I've never read it out loud.
My fellow Americans, today you sent a message to the whole world. Our values endure, our democracy stands strong, and our motto re names e luribus union out of many one that's brutal. And the way she's sitting like that and she's reading it to us, it's like the world's most depressing fairy tale. Once upon a time and Ogre crushed the dreams of a princess, and nobody lived happily
ever after the end. But yes, Hillary Clinton is giving a master class on resiliency that's now available everywhere except in Wisconsin for some reason. And in it, in it she reads the victory speech that she never got to deliver. And I really love how she's like, I've never shared this speech with anybody before. It was too painful. And you're paying me how much? Oh well, I guess I
could read a few pages. And you know, if this is a thing that we're allowed to do, and someone pays you to do it, I also have speeches that I never got the chance to give. I got it right here. I am so honored to be named the m v P of the NBA Finals and just days after being awarded the Nobel Prize for World's Coolest penis. And look, yeah, you have to admit it's a little weird to teach a master class on the biggest loss of your life. I mean, because there's plenty of things
that Hillary could teach a master class on. She's kicked as in so many things. It could be like the inner workings of Congress, or international relations or um. I don't want to say killing Jeffrey Epstein. Look, I'll say one thing. You'll never see Donald Trump doing this. He doesn't write backup speeches because whether he wins or loses, that dude gives the same speech. And my legal team completely destroyed the prosecution and I won the case totally.
One what what's that lights out? Okay, night night Warden, See you guys, Manana Before we go, please consider supporting Vibrant Emotional Health. They're nonprofit dedicated to helping people achieve emotional well being and to giving them the support and the skills that they need to survive. So if you want to support them in their work, especially during the stressful holiday season, then please donate at the link below. Wat's the Daily Show weeknights at eleven tenth Central on
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