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What makes a legendary journalist? Gravitas? Honesty, I so piercing. They can give you a nose ring. No, it's adaptability, and no one's better at that than Tucker Carlson, man of a thousand faces, but also somehow only one face. Tucker Swanson mcneer Carlson. His father was a journalist and US ambassador to the Seychelles, a popular vacation spot for people's money. His stepmom was an heiress to Swanson Frozen Foods, a heritage he still pays tribute to with his trademark
frozen facial expressions. He has a brother, Buckley Swanson Peck Carlson. You don't really need to know anything about him, But how about those names?
Huh?
Others might have tried to downplay their wealth, but downplaying was never Tucker's style.
Well, I'm like extraordinarily loaded just from like money I inherited, and I've never needed to work.
He didn't need to work.
We could be living in a world where Tucker Bronson mcchad Carlson isn't on TV every night, But luckily for America, that didn't happen. After college Tucker took his talents to journalism, rising to prominence as the liberal's favorite conservative. Everyone liked him. He seemed normal and on white supremacisty. Tucker Swan Lake mcnort's from Carlson took that palatable conservatism to CNN and PBS, eventually becoming the perpetually bow tide co host of CNN's Crossfire.
There he helped steer cable news away from meaningful discourse and more towards people shouting talking points at each other like a housewives reunion. It was going great until one day when a Comedy Central extremist infiltrated the set and recked havoc.
Your partisan what do you call it?
Hacky? Now?
This is theater.
I mean, how old are you?
Thirty five?
And you wear a bow tie?
I'd do so.
After surviving that ugly attack, Tucker made the difficult decision to move on. Desperate times cold for desperate Tuckers. So the Butterfly emerged from yet another cocoon and flew to MSNBC, where he was both respected and likable, someone you could definitely trust, like Matt Lower. You know who was pals with him back then, Rachel Maddow it's weird to see now, like Emperor Palpatine going to brunch with baby Yoda. Carlson's low rated MSNBC gig didn't last long, but his personal
brand only grew stronger. He was not going to rest until the world knew all thirty six of his names. Having flunked out of TV twice Tucker Semus McDuck, Carlson began rebuilding his journalism career by working with one of radio's most respected broadcasters, Bubba the Love Sponge, where he was able to channel his inner shocked.
I love women, but they're extremely primitive. If you're talking to a feminist and she's given you a well, you know, men really need to be more sensitive and just you know, actually if you just need to be quiet and kind of do what you're told. I'm not defending underage marriage at all. I just don't think it's the same thing exactly as pulling a child from a bus stop and sexually assaulting that job. The rapist in this case has made a lifelong commitment to women take care of the person,
so he is a little different. Rock as a crappy place filled with a bunch of you know, semi literate, permittive monkey to Canada's that called them a retarded cousin.
She just does seem a little you said it.
I'm just agreeing with him.
One thing couldn't be denied. Tucker Carlston said all that out loud on purpose, knowing other people would hear him. Plenty of people would be proud to coast on calling women the C word, but not Tucker. In twenty ten, he remade himself yet again as a public intellectual behind the new website The Daily Caller. Soon he was ready for his most important role yet, Fox News superhero. Tucker vander Pump McRib carlson was home, and this time he became something completely new, a man of the people.
Democrats had become the party of the elite, professional class, eager to lecture you about open borders, global warming from their gated communities, the most privileged people in our society, shouting down at Trump's voters. Yeah, damn you, working class Americans.
You must be quiet talker.
You went to the elite schools of this guy.
I did I did you shoot from that? It's a scamp.
It was the performance of a lifetime an aristocrat who spent his entire adult life working in media, acting as if he had just crawled out of the coal mines and sat in front of a TV camera, And Carlson wasn't afraid to use his new cloud to uplift the most needy among US people who hate immigrants.
Our leaders worship multiculturalism because all cultures are equal, except they're not all equal. Arsenals is superior, and we need to defend it. Latin American countries are coursing demographic change on this country to rate that. American voters consistently say they don't want. We have a moral obligation to admit the world's poor, they tell us, even if it makes our own country poorer and dirtier and more divided. Isn't it crowding your country the fastest way to despoil it?
To pollute it? Tucker swamp thing McGruff.
Carlson was like a beautiful reverse statue of liberty, telling everyone to get their tired huddle masses out of here. But any Fox News hosts could hate immigrants, In fact, most of them did so.
Tucker upped the anti.
How precisely is diversity or strength? Do you get along better with your neighbors, your co workers. If you can't understand each other or share no common values.
White supremacy, that's the problem.
This is a hoax. This may be a lot of things, this moment we're living through, but it is definitely not about black lives. And remember that when they come for you, and at this rate they will, we have every right to fight to preserve our nation and our heritage and our culture.
The skull of the African here, the area associated with submissiveness is larger than any.
Human or any other sub human species, won't Planet Earth.
Tucker was on fire like a cross on a black family's lawn, but as twenty twenty one began, he was once again restless for a change. So Carlson put on yet another hat, this time made of tinfoil.
Democrats rigged the election in front of all of us, and nobody did anything about it. And what about this vaccine? Why are Americans being discouraged from asking simple, straightforward questions about it? Questions like how effective are these drugs? Are they safe? And, by the way, how much are the drug companies making off this stuff? The Biden's affection is
totally real. It's in no way part of a slick pr campaign devised by civical consultants determined to hide the president's slity by misdirection.
Not at all.
Their love is as real as climate change.
A little nuts well maybe, but unlike the moon landing or a forty four year marriage, you can't fake ratings like this.
And well, yes, at least one.
Person did sue for defamation. A judge dismissed the case on the grounds that any reasonable viewer knows that even things Tucker says or facts are not actual facts. So whatever the future holds for him, one thing we know is that Tucker severus McFly Carlson will do it with a smile or whatever's going on there.
Now, the good story that I want to talk about is all the drama in news media. Apparently everyone at GMA is sticking the same guy. But these days the most scandalous place in TV news is Fox News. Now you're probably thinking Fox News, Oh shit, they're still out here smashing in these streets calling women hags. Nope, those days are over dealing with this cumbersome, ugly hardware. These are voting machines made by Dominion, who no one had ever heard of until Fox put them at the center
of a mass conspiracy. Fox said Dominion stole the election with these R two D two looking janitor cars, and now Dominion is suing Fox for one point six billion dollars and the lawsuit is airing out Rupert Murdoch's dirty laundry.
There was breaking news tonight involving Fox News and owner Rupert Murdoch acknowledging under oath that Fox News hosts endorsed false election fraud claims.
It's a candidate mission from Fox News boss Rupert Murdoch about how his network handled Donald Trump's lie about the twenty twenty election. Murdock acknowledging quote, some of our commentators were endorsing false claims that the election was somehow stolen from former President Trump.
Explosive newly revealed testimony in the Dominion Voting System's lawsuit.
Shocking, new revelations, new bombshell admissions under oath, Oh is.
It a bombshell?
Is it shocking?
Is it explosive?
What Fox knew the election wasn't stolen, but they said it anyways, That's not shocking. If Brian Killme'd ever completed a wordle, that would be shocking. Now I'm not shocked, but I will say I am very entertained. Because of this lawsuit, a bunch of Fox News hosts had to release their text messages and y'all know this, Yeah, nah naa, you know this. There's LinkedIn you and then there's I message you. That's the deep dark underbelly of who you
really are. And boy, oh boy, were these I messages good.
New court filings show that in private, Fox hosts Tucker Carlson, Laura Ingram, and Sean Hannity were brutally ridiculing the claims of election fraud and the people who were making them.
Fox hosts privately trashed the Trump legal team for lying, as Tucker Carlson texted Laura Ingram, Sidney Powell is lying. It's insane. Ingram responded, Sydney is a complete nut.
Tucker Carlson referred to Donald Trump as a demonic force.
The private mockery also targeted Trump lawyer Rudy Juliani. Sean Hannity wrote, Juliani is acting like an insane person, while Ingram remarked, such an idiot.
Oh my god, do you realize what this means? These people are secretly sane. They also don't respect anyone they have on their show. These guys are texting each other all day about how bullshit Fox News is. Their group chat is basically MSNBC. But out of everything we learned about Fox News, there was one text that came out in discovery that truly freaking me out. It's when Tucker Carlson said Fox News had to be more supportive of Donald Trump's election claims.
Tucker Carlson wrote his producer Alex Sfeiffer, do the executives understand how much credibility and trust we've lost with our audience? We're playing with fire for real? An alternative like Newsmax could be devastating to us.
Do you understand what he's saying here?
He's saying, if I don't say this bullshit, my viewers will leave me. This whole time, we thought Fox News was manipulating its viewers, but it turns out the viewers were manipulating Fox News.
So just think of it like this, Okay.
Tucker Carlson is a moral vacuum, a whole, if you will, who glorifies election deniers, so a glory whole, and his viewers expect him to please them with his mouth and he's constantly terrified that they'll find a new, more satisfying glory Hule. And that's why Tucker Carlson will never stop sucking.
This is the Daily Show. So let's talk about Fox News. The deal with a big lawsuit right now, and because of it, a bunch of Fox newshosts had to give up all their private texts. So we've been finding out what they really think about Donald Trump, and it's hilarious.
According to Core Documents, host Tucker Carlson texted a producer on January fourth, twenty twenty one, we are very very close to being able to ignore Trump most nights. Referring to Trump, Carlson says, I hate him passionately. I can't handle much more of this.
Carlson added, we're all pretending we've got.
A lot to show for it, because admitting what a disaster it's been is too tough to digest.
But come on, there really isn't an upside to Trump.
That's fighting words.
Ah, why don't white crime.
Let's go.
All right.
I know this looks bad, but their makeup sex is gonna be so much hotter. You know, this is so embarrassing for Fox News. If they want to keep their shit quiet, they should do what the crack dealers do.
Use a pay phone. Yo, it sucker.
Listen, Black lives matter, they really do, all.
Right, hear me back on my burner.
I'm enjoying this though. I have never seen someone's private text that was so opposite from their public persona. It's like finding out Nikki Haley has a black sin. She got texts like.
Oh hell no, y'all ain't coming at them rocking like that.
Sorry, boo boo.
Let's figure with Fox News, which yesterday I agreed to pay seven hundred and eighty seven point five million dollars for saying Dominion voting machines help Joe Biden steal the election. Although now that more details of the settlement have come out, it turns out it's not all bad news for Fox.
The deal sparing Fox from what would have been a very high profile trial with some of the network's own stars likely testifying.
Dominion's legal team says there will be no on air apologies or retractions on Fox News.
In a statement, the network is saying this settlement reflects Fox's continued commitment to the highest journalistic standards.
That's ryan high journalistic standards like this.
The Green M and M Gunner boots back but apparently is now lesbian.
Maybe yeah, Look, I'm happy for dominion, but dominion was not the only injured party here. What about you know, our faith and democracy. There are people who will not trust elections for the rest of their lives, and I have to talk to those people.
I'm going to.
Argue with them at Trump rallies every.
Four years for the rest of my life.
And you know what, I'm not naive.
I didn't expect this lawsuit to restore our country's faith and elections, or even for me to get a little cashola. No, but I was at least hoping to get a couple weeks of joy out of seeing Sean Hannity up there on the stand, sweating through his shirt like a beach manatee. For that have saved democracy, I don't know, but it would have been nice to see. We're not going to get any of that. They don't even have to apologize
on air, And frankly, we deserve that bare minimum. Yes, you deserve that, and you know what, if the settlement won't give it to you, then I shall.
There's much fallout this evening and there will be for months admitting that we lied to you for saying the wrong things about the twenty twenty election.
But why is that?
Well, the truth is Donald Trump lost the election. I no, we didn't tell you because we don't care what you think. Now we have to pay hundreds of millions of dollars.
We were wrong.
We are completely irresponsible, and we're sorry America. I'm sorry for repeating something that was untrue.
I'm sorry.
I just got to take a quick break and go cry in a closet while squeezing a stuffed animal.
Thank you, Tucker Welch.
All right, let's move on to the big story rocking the media world today. You know that stupid look that's always on Tucker Carlson's face, Well today he has a good reason for it.
This just in to CNN. Tucker Carlson is out at Fox News the right networks else the two have parted ways. CNN senior meter reporter Aliver our Darci is here with more on this. What are you learning he was out on Friday? While we see him say goodbye, we're not going to see him say goodbye. This is really stunning news coming from Fox. They say his last show was April twenty. First, they put out a very short statement. They say they thank him for his service, and that's it.
That's all we know right now.
Wow.
Wow, I can't believe that a network that's so opposed to gender affirming surgery just cut off their own dick.
Now.
Apparently Tucker was forced.
Out by Rupert Murdoch, which is pretty ironic. Tucker spent so many years saying that Mexican people were coming to take our jobs away. Turns out he should have been worrying about Australians. And we still don't know exactly what led Rupert Murdoch to fire his network's biggest star, but reportedly he was concerned over Carlson's conspiracy theories about January sixth. So let this be a lesson to everybody. If you try to topple America's democracy, you can stay on TV for two more.
Years and that's it.
Then.
But whatever the reason was, Tucker's firing is going to leave a huge.
White power vacuum at Fox.
And I'm glad he's gone, But if I'm being honest, I'm also a little nervous about what he's going to do next. You know, It's like after Papa John got fired. You just knew he was out there somewhere working on a pizza. That gives you even worse diary. By the way, Tucker Carlson isn't the only cable news.
Anchor to get the act.
CNN just fired Don Lemon after seventeen New Year's Eve blackouts. I'm sorry years of service, so it's been a tough day to be a news anchor on cable.
Sorry. Sorry, what's up? Oh? Oh I'm also being fired. Oh that was fast. Okay, guess I'll pack up my things.
Stapler, scissors, yeah, photos, Oh, my giant fish.
The box is too small. You know, call me a girly girl. You know what this I just got here.
I'm finishing this out. Yesterday Carlson got fired from his job at Fox News, and it was a huge surprise to everyone, including Tucker. Apparently they only told him ten minutes before announcing it publicly, which is so cold, and that's barely enough time to pack up all his Nazi memorabilia, not to mention he was Fox's most popular anchor and they still fired him.
That'd be like if MSNBC fired well.
Imagine if there was a show people watched on MSNBC, it would be like firing them. And look, I know people love making fun of Tucker, but just put yourself in his shoes.
Say you're this massive piece of shit.
With no real friends, and you got to giggle like a tickle me Elmo and a dumb, floppy haircut, and you always have your mouth hanging open like you're dry in your teeth. I forgot where I was going with this. Oh, Tucker's an asshole. Now we still don't know exactly what got Tucker fired.
Maybe it was.
Election liies that cos Fox News seven hundred and eighty seven million dollars. Maybe it was insulting his bosses in private text. Maybe it was his overall vibe of creepy dad driving the babysitter home.
Or maybe it was this.
The Daily Beast report that Tucker's repeated use of the sea word was a key factor in his demise. According to text messages from the dominion lawsuit, Tucker referred to Trump lawyer Sidney Powell as the sea word, and a former producer at his show alleges she heard the word around the office constantly.
Female politicians who came on the show were mocked. There were debates about who they'd rather sleep with seaword all the time.
They use the C word all the time, Like, how do you use the sea word at the office all the time? Oh, Susan's taking lunch orders. Tell them I'll just have a salad hold the cop you know what, do you want to share a for the audience at home. I know that just got blieved. I just said the word, but you know what, but you know what, It's okay. Tucker's allowed to say the C word because he is one. Let's kick things off with Tucker Carlson, the world's most
unemployed boat shoe. No one's heard from Tucker since his surprise firing on Monday, except the pillow he's been screaming into.
And it turns out there may be a good reason for that.
Fox News executives reportedly have a dossier of dirt on him, Yeah.
To keep him from attacking the network. That's right.
They apparently have him saying the most vile things you can imagine. And the way they compiled it, and this is genius is by turning on his television show and pressing record.
Very Snaky fuck.
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