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Formally, I don't find funerals funny, but here's a story about a funeral that I found hilarious because this funeral had Donald Trump, and that guy can turn anything into a joke. Maybe you've heard of Diamond and Silk. You know those two sisters who are always two sisters who are always showing up at his rillies, praising him on TV, setting the black race back fifty years. You know those two Trump helped meetings with them. He'd invite them to
the Oval Office. He would point at them and say, see, black people love me.
Well.
Sadly, Diamond passed away a few days ago. Yeah, and Silks said that she wanted Trump to speak at the funeral because the three of them were so close. And these Silk thought the three of them were close until Trump started to speak.
You know, the world has lost one of its brightest stars, real star. But I see that we have another star who is equal to But she stepped up and she is different. I'm serious.
I thought I knew them both.
I didn't.
I knew I knew Diamond, but I didn't know Silk at all. I just learned about Silk You're fantastic. You're gonna carry on beyond beyond anybody's wildest imagination.
Oh my god. I mean it's like Trump showed up to that funeral, like Diamond's dead, but I'm gonna bury Silk. Oh yeah, there's there's room for two in that casket. I mean, come on to say, you know Diamond, but don't know Silk is wild because they're always together. That's it's like saying, I know Bert, but I've never heard his early fellow. What's his deal? You know, I thought sister Sister was just called System.
No.
One. Trump, he probably only has room for one black woman in his brain at a time. If he turns on a TV right now, he'll be like, Wow, Diamond's hosting the Daily Show.
You know.
You know a week ago she was dead, but thanks to me, she's risen.
The word mummy is being canceled. Museums are choosing to go with different terms, largely because of the pop culture view, which tends to portray mummies as a monster. So CNN says, more museums are choosing to go with the term mammafied person to stories of person's humanity.
Wait, wait minute, let's be clear right off the back, mummies aren't monsters. It's only a monster when it gets the fuck up, just the mummy.
Monster.
But yes, they want to they want us to be respectful. The correct usage is mummified persons, as in, why the hell do half our senators look like mummified persons? If you ask me the museums. I'm making a big mistake here. Having a monster in the museum is the only thing that gets kids in the door. You think kids are coming to see them old ass bowls. No, they're coming
to see a mummy. This weekend, the Church of England announced that it will now allow its clergy to bless same sex marriages, but they're still not going to allow the actual wedding to happen in the church. But to be honest, this is also how I feel about any destination wedding. I ain't gonna be there, but good for y'all. Well, I don't know how your twenty twenty three is going, but it has not been going well for President Joe Biden.
Just when we were ready to move on to the next scandal, the FBI searched his house for thirteen hours on Friday, and they found even more classified documents. At this point, the FBI is just decluttering Biden's house form. They're like Marie Condo going around.
His rooms like.
This list of spies does not spark joy. This doesn't bother me at all. I mean, come on, the man has been in public office for two hundred and thirty eight years. I bet you most of the shit he has isn't even classified anymore. You read his notes and it's like, keep an eye on this Hitler guy. It's just history now. It's just history. Now that teaching is stuff in schools, well not in Florida. But you know, by the way, some of you might not know. But before doing stand up, I worked at an It's Safe
for seven years. Yeah it's true. I had a top secret clearance and everything. Thank me for my service, damn it. So I gotta say this story has me a little concern. You know, I'm sitting here thinking, damn, what is in my garage? I put that back? Right?
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah, I put that back.
I put that back.
But in Biden's defense, at least he is cooperating with the FBI searchers right. In fact, he's been so cooperative it makes me wondering, like like, is he hoping they do work around the house for him? You know it's Biden like, uh, you know, fellas, I think I have some documents up in the gutters. You might need to clear the leaves out first. I know Jill would love that. She loved that. Speaking of Mike Pence, guess what they just found at his house? Yes, classified documents, Yes him too.
First Trump, been Biden, now Mike Pence. You know, at some point the FBI is just gonna have to be like, Okay, I'm gonna close my eyes and count to ten, and if they are classified documents on this table when I open them, no one gets in trouble. Facebook and Instagram are ending the two year band they imposed on Donald Trump after January sixth and allowing the former president back on their sites. I mean, letting Trump back on Facebook is crazy. You're just asking for trouble. It's like letting
Hannibal Lecter babysit your most delicious child. But Facebook is putting it back online anyway because they say that quote the public should be able to hear what their politicians are saying. And to that, let me say, quote Fowie. Look, we all know Facebook is losing a ton of money and they want that Trump attention back. They need a hit. Trump is their white lotus, right, I mean, he's the
Jennifer Coolidge of the incident. Yeah, I'm fun. Look, but I think maybe for the first week they should just allow him to only post cat photos. You know, let's see how it goes if you see a bunch of cat storm in the Capitol. Although adorable, shut it down.
Finally, there's something that Republicans and Democrats seem united on, and it's this the Taylor Swift ticket fiasco. Today on Capitol Hill, senators held a hearing to examine the lack of competition in the ticketing industry.
The bipartisan hearing comes in the wake of a technology breakdown on the ticket Master website. During the presale for Taylor Swift's upcoming tour. Super fans known as Swifties faced ours, long wait times and website crashes.
They just real.
Nuggetting tickets.
Shame on you, ticket Master, Look what you did to these emotional young people. Hey, you know what it's about time someone held ticket Master accountable. And the Swifties are the only ones who can get this done. They're the most politically organized group in America that it goes Swifties, the Teamsters, and somewhere way all the way down the list is the Democrats. You know these hearings are so popular. I bet ticket masters screwed up tickets to that too. You got kids outside crime.
I'm the city's biggest food.
I just wanted to see Dick Durbin. But ultimately, there's only one way to fix this problem. Get rid of online ticket sales. Go back to waiting online in person.
Out laicole.
Those people aren't that shit like we used to. You're not a real fan unless getting a ticket gave you hypothermia. Hey I almost lost two toes just to see Johnny gil and I'll do it again, damn it. The twenty twenty three Oscar nominations were announced this morning. Yeah, and if you're wondering how they picked the nominees this year, they basically just went, oh, let's see who's not gonna slap nobody. That's my pick.
Now.
As usual, there was good news and bad news. Good news, Michelle Yo became the first Asian woman nominated for Best Actress, But bad news, no women were nominated for Best Director. Yeah, but remember they gave it to Jane Campion last year, so I guess this year they thought, ah, I should hold you broads for the next fifty years. And personally, I'm a big Woody Harrison fan, so I was happy to see some nominations for A Triangle of Sadness. Yeah, which is not just a good movie, it's also what
Mike Pence calls a vagina. We're coming up on eleven months since the Kremlin Grimlin invaded, and now the Ukrainian military is getting some major reinforcements.
The announcement came this morning.
The United States and Germany will both be sending tanks to Ukraine.
Ukraine has been desperate to get tanks as Russia prepares for a spring offensive, and this morning it looks like more than a dozen German tanks will be on their way soon, with as many as one hundred to follow, with the US expected to send more than thirty Abrams tanks. Ukraine wants the advanced German tanks as soon as possible. As for those Abrams tanks, the only issue is they will not likely arrive for at least a year.
A year. Oh, come on, us. Ukraine is fighting for its life and America is like, all right, the delivery window is from June to December. Make sure you're home. I'll tell you that damn Lewis n Joy has really messed up the post office. You've got to go.
Now.
The reason it took so long to send these tanks is that Germany didn't want to send tanks alone. They wanted another country to send tanks with them, because you know, it's not a great look. Just when it's German tanks rolling across Europe kind of makes people nervous. I think it should have been Sweden. Yeah, and they send tanks to Ukraine and Russia. Okay, hear me out, hear me out. And then Sweden do that thing you do where you send the tanks in parts with a diagram for a
sibling them. Yeah. See that would bring the countries together, because no one couldn't assemble that shit on their own, you know, Ukraine to be like, hey, Russia, do you have an extra one of those wooden peggy thingies. FDA has some good news for babies, and if there are any babies out there watching what you're.
Doing, go to dad.
And also, your food's about to taste a lot less like pennies.
In tonight's health Watch, we have important information for parents about baby food. The FDA today proposed new levels for lead in baby food, cutting the allowable level by about twenty five percent to twenty parts per billion or less. Now that would apply to baby foods made with fruits, vegetables, and dry cereals, but not cereal puff and teething biscuits, which have been found to have some of the highest
lead levels. The author of a twenty nineteen report that found dangerous levels of lead in nearly ninety five percent of manufactured baby food says the FDA's proposals don't go far enough to protect children. But at least now you know.
What.
At least now you know is that a thing? Is this how you break bad news to people? Now? Hey, remember that bump I thought was a spider bite, Well it's herpes.
But at least now you know.
Across America, police are handing out one hundred and twelve thousand speeding tickets every day. Yeah, that's a lot of tickets. I'm like, where do they find the time to shoot people? And those tickets aren't going away anytime soon, because these findes aren't just to punish you. It turns out local governments need that money to keep the lights on.
Traffic stops aren't always about safety or hunting contraband or crime. Some cities use traffic stops to raise money.
The cities and counties that are trying to use these schemes trying to use these fines and fees to balance their budget are basically charging a backdoor tax to poor people.
In the South, municipalities strapped for cash and targeting the most vulnerable citizens were primarily black and living under the poverty line. In Missouri, some of these municipalities generate anywhere from twenty to forty percent of their total revenue by finding citizens.
That's right, these cities are filling their budgets on the backs of poor people. Yeah, so the next time a cop asked, do you know why I pulled you over? You can be like, let me guess the mail wants a standing desk, and getting fine is bad enough. But then they tackle on a bunch of extra fees, payment plan fees, collection fees. One county even has a fifty one dollars processing fee, So it costs you fifty one
dollars to give me a thirty dollars ticket. How about you not giving me the ticket and you just saved yourself twenty one dollars. And let's say and let's say you're like a lot of people and don't have all this money just laying around. Well, in fourteen states, your ass might be going to jail. Yeah, you heard me right. Fourteen states will send you to jail for being poor. And if you want to know what states those are,
it's probably the ones you're thinking of. And guess what, you could come out of jail owing even more because they actually charge you another fee for going to jail. Like that's so messed up.
Wit.
Wait a minute, I'm in jail because I couldn't pay, and now you're charging me more for being in jail. You know I couldn't pay. That's why I was here in the first place. What do you think I hit the lottery while I was in jail. But you know what, it doesn't have to be this way. A lot of other countries never find you more than you can afford. They find you based on your income. This makes it more fair since billionaires aren't paying the same fines as
people who work at the dollar store. And if you're thinking that must lead to some expensive ass tickets. You'd be right.
A man in Finland gone caught speeding, and boy did he have to pay up. Listen to this, A finished millionaire got a fifty eight one thousand dollars fine for going sixty four miles per hour in a fifty zone. Well, that seems kind of crazy here over in Finland, sweeting tickets are based on your income. The highest ticket so far was one hundred and three thousand dollars, a ticket given to a Nokia executive who made roughly fourteen million that year.
I'll tell you what. I tell you what we did that here that would make me start putting those quarters in the parking meter. Look, if the ticket is meant to punish you, it should feel like a punishment. Thirty dollars for a rich person is not a punishment. Rich people don't even know money goes that low. If you asked deaf Baso for thirty dollars, he'll be like, uh, do I just rip a corner off of this one
hundred dollar bill? So long story short, stop using four people as your little take a penny jar, especially over small shit. If anything, we should be doing the opposite. I propose every highway should have a broke lane. Do what you want, do what you want to do in the broke lane. What's the tail light? Expired registration? Dangling muffle? Who cares you get haul ass in the brokelane because you gotta get from your second job to your third job.
I don't care, do whatever it takes. But if you get caught int theo broke lane talking about well, I'm trying to get to my squash game at the country club, then the officer can say who I'm gonna have to tase you and the electricity has a fifty one dollar processing feet.
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