The Daily Show Podcast Universe Presents 'Podcast Today' & 'Crushing: A Success Podcast for Winners'

You're listening to Comedy CENTRALOW.

Are you a busy person who's always on the go. This next podcast is for you. No bull, no filler, just news and analysis that's straight to the points. No beating around the bush, no wasting your time, no repetition. We know you're a busy person who's always on the go, This next podcast is for you. Buckle your seat belts. Dasi Lightek and Michael Costa present Podcast Today.

Hello and welcome to Podcast Today, where we cut through the noise and bring you real talk about what's happening today.

I'm Desi Lightik, I'm Michael Costa. Before we get to today's episode, some quick housekeeping. Thursday's pod will be released at six pm instead of one pm because I have to say my dog to the dentist.

Also a little more housekeeping. Friday's show is a listener mail bag, sending those questions to Pod Today letters at MindSpring dot email.

One last bit of housekeeping, Thursday's pod will be at one pm again, my dog no longer has a cavity.

Terrific.

Turns out my dog didn't have a cavity, he just stated a sharpie.

We should also mention tickets are now on sale to our live shows in Oklahoma City, Minneapolis, and Hartford.

Right.

Use code.

I'm with Podcasts San Antonio, Jacksonville, Biloxi, Philadelphia.

Right, and you can use Cone.

Roight, Miami, Green Bay, Providence, Atlanta, Chesapeake, Fresno, Norfolk and Boise.

Is that all?

Can I announce the code?

Now?

Use code?

I'm with Pannapolis, Saint Louis and Providence. We'll see you soon.

Use code. I'm with Podcasts for two percent off early bird tickets.

We got to mention Branson, Missouri. We're also going to be in Branson, Missouri.

Hey, just a reminder that you should follow at podcast Today on.

Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, TikTok Hinterest, MySpace, Adult friend Fighting, and of course.

The weightlifting forums.

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Before we get started, we have an exciting announcement about a new partnership.

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You know, I think it's time to introduce our guest, Dessie.

Yeah, that's right. He's a correspondent for The Daily Show with Trevor Noah Jabooki, Young White.

Thanks so much for having me. You know, the studio is a lot smaller than I thought it would be.

Now, Jibuuki, before we talk shop, you have a book to promote.

Yes, well, it's actually more like a Twitter account. It's my Twitter account at jibuuki.

Cool and where can our listeners find your Twitter account on Twitter?

Fantastic?

I can't wait to read it.

Assi.

Before we get to Jabuki, we just have a little more housekeeping. Podcast Today is looking for new theme music.

So if you're an amateur composer and you want to compose our theme song for free, you can submit your compositions at podcast Today Music at prodigy dot net.

Just a few guidelines. Your theme song has to be original.

It has to be less than thirty seconds, has to be funky. You must include a flute.

There can't be any screams in the background, and it must be in a frequency that sends marine life into a frenzy. Lyrics cannot include slurs against Macedonians or terms.

But they must include at least two references to Sigourney Weaver.

Get those submissions in. Guys, can't wait to hear that.

Okay.

We want to remind our listeners to check out our sister pod podcast this week.

This week on Podcasts Today. This week, we'll have some amazing guests, including Montana governor and former presidential candidate Steve Bullock.

Is he related to Sandra Bullock?

That's what we're gonna find out.

Tune in.

You know what I was thinking, if Sandra Bullock were the first lady she turned the White House into the lake House.

You know what I'm saying.

I don't think I do.

Yeah, what does that mean?

You know?

The lake House two thousand and six, Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock exchange love letters through a mysterious time space portal inside of a lake house's mailbox.

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And now it's.

Time to get to the point. As always, Get to the Point is sponsored by Henry's Rusty Shave Club. Henry's Rusty Shave Club was started by two college roommates who hated shaving with high priced razors, so they decided to do something about it. They bought a German factory that had been making torture devices until it abruptly shut down in nineteen forty five, but was still filled with thousands of boxes of us oxidizing seventy four year old razors.

That ad for Henry's Rusty Shave Club is sponsored by buck Banger, the fastest easiest way to send money. Costa used buck Banger this week.

I sure did so. Monday, I went to the movies with my We saw Aladdin again.

You love a genie.

I can't help it anyway. We get the tickets, We see the movie. It's magical, and on the way out of the parking lot, I run over a rare bird. A rare bird, yeah, and Ivory build woodpecker crazy endangered, huge fine for turning it into a road pancake. So naturally I opened my wallet to buy the silence of all the witnesses. But oh, I spent my last Jackson on mister will Smith's heartwarming and humorous Tour de Force.

So what do I do?

I opened the buck Banger app send fifty dollars bribes to everyone who saw me do it. And I'm home by dinnertime googling when is Aladdin too coming out? By the way, The answer not soon.

Enough, Costa. You just confess to a crime.

What the crime of loving Aladdin? If that's a crime, then lock me up. In solitary confinement, preferably with a blu ray of Will Smith's Aladdin buck Banger, The Easiest way to send money.

All right, let's get to the point.

But before we do, we need to address something we said on Monday's show. Let's take a listen.

It's Monday, and before we get started, we have some housekeeping.

Right Tuesday show, will we push back to three pm instead of one pm?

I have to be home at one pm to get my latest shipment from Shrimp Fix.

Hey, is it bad if hypothetically a dogie is a sharpie?

Just some housekeeping on that bit of housekeeping, Tuesday Show was actually released at three point thirty pm instead.

Of three pos instead of one pm because we had.

More housekeeping than we anticipated, and just a bit more housekeeping.

We are aiming to have less housekeeping going forward. That's right, Fewer housekeeping, fewer housekeepings.

Guys.

By the way, it's actually houses keeping like Attorneyes General or asaps Rocky, just so you know.

And now let's get to the point.

Quick reminder if you like, get to the point as well as other great podcasts today, segments like check this out? Is this real life? It's only Tuesday, and that just happened.

That's real jarring stuff. Actually. Anyway, those reviews really help us out. They boost our rankings, which allow us to be discovered by more people, and they also can serve as powerful character statements for us during court proceedings, can't they?

By the way, shout out to listener David the dave Man eighteen your reviews saying we were quote awesome help me get back custody in my kids?

Can I go now? Or do you guys want me to weigh in on something?

No, we're ready for you.

Yeah.

Sure are our guests today? He is Jabuoki, young white, Jabuoki, how are you doing?

Oh? You know.

I'm pretty good.

I'm doing pretty good and I just wanted to throw in there. My appearance today is brought to you by Just the Packaging. Do you love coming home to something that you ordered online but you don't have the money to buy lots of shit? Well, just Packaging will ship you a big box of tissue, paper, bubble wrap and all that other stuff that's so fun to open.

And that's it.

No meals to cook, no clothes to try on and send back.

It's just the packaging.

Thanks. Before we move on, we've got some sad personnel news we do. This is Michael Costa's final episode of Podcasts Today.

Wait was I fired?

We are super excited about our permanent new host, Jabbookie Young.

Why what's up?

I'm super excited to break down all the issues of the day with y'all. Costa, could you please get your shit out of your office now?

You can stick we don't Listen to Michael Kossa on our brand new international sister pod podcast Today Kosovo up to the date news and commentary live from the Balkans.

Kosovo, Kosovo like the country, just read the paper. Hello Podcast Today Kosovo Fans. Tickets are now on sale. For our live shows in Sarajevo, Debrevnik, Chernobyl, Bucharest in Northern Chechnya, use code Hallo Kosovo for twenties, laddles off and so I don't even have a passport.

By the way, a bit of housekeeping. There is now an emergency bonus pod for our Titanium tier supporters on.

Patriot That's right.

Head to our fan page right now to hear an exclusive five alarm bonus pod that features our extended interview with Podcast Today Kosovo host Michael Costa, who will have secretly infiltrated at Chechen terrorist group people point of order.

Please has the new Aladdin even been released in Kosovo?

Podcast Today is produced by Tom Baylor and Shila Mansfield and recorded at Daily So Studios in the heart of Manhattan's Little Belgrade. Trevor Noah is our managing editor. Our research is provided by Miroslav Berkovich and Bogdan Drakovic. Our audio engineer is Petra Mastorovich.

Legal services provided by the law firm of and Am Melosovich. A man known only as the Scorpion is our lookout, and unsuspecting uber driver named Cynthia is our Wheelman and laundry and pet sitting is handled by Zivko Vuyadinovich.

Our fabulous interns are Greg Rasputen, Lizzie bord In the third and Lyle Menendez Costa. Want to leave us with any parting words?

Yeah, actually I just google and Aladdin is not in Kosovo right now, there's nose doesn't seem to be showtimes or movie theaters. This is kind of what keeps me grounded. And oh, you have nothing to say now, both of you guess.

You could wait for it to show up on Prime.

And now you're the fucking host all of a sudden. I mean you didn't even know even know that you were going to.

Be the host.

But I wait, dude, years of hard work and then you see what that.

Well, you know, I stepped up to the plate, and I think maybe that could be.

A part of the reason pronounced Zerjanovich.

People come up to me all the time and say, Trevor, how did you learn to crush it so hard? I always give them the same answer, Mister Ronnie Chang in hashtag Crushing a success podcast for winners. Ronnie will give you the motivation, the life hacks, and the FDA pending dietary supplements that you need to live epically.

Testing Testing diabetes is a mindset and a hoax. Test one two, What's Up? Chain Gang your Boy? Run Chang here with another episode a hashtag Crushing a success podcast for winners. A lot of people ask me, Hey, Ronnie, how can I crush it as hot as you're crushing it. The answer is you can't. I'm crushing it. How then scientists thought possible. I've written thirteen books, delivered twenty eight TED talks, and I follow fifty eight thousand people on Twitter.

It's Jeremy Piven. All right, I'm ready to pound. Let's start the show.

Success Money, Instagram, airpots.

Faking.

Whoa, I'm still buzzing you guys, I just delivered the keynote and Power Thought Summit, presented by Forbes and Lin Cuisine. In fact, if you're interested, you can stream my speech right now. It's titled why every entrepreneurs to try uffing spray paint? Check that out on YouTube. All cash me at my next live event, pumping up the crowd at a winter assembly for Pembroke Middle School. Missus Goldstein's class is gonna be singing Christmas carols and I'm gonna be shooting red bulls out.

Of a T shirt cannon.

Hell, yeah, you know what that means. It's time for the cleanse report. Right now, I'm doing a solids and liquids cleanse. I'm not eating or drinking any solids of liquids for two weeks. I mean, for breakfast, I had some vape smoke, and for lunch, I think I'm gonna suck the heel him have a balloon animal. I gotta tell you, thanks to this cleanse, Hey, my energy's up, my blood pressure is down, and my mortal skills are shot.

Oh right, I'm jacked.

Let's take some calls.

If you've got a question about anything, entrepreneurship, muscle, mass manscaping.

Right now.

If a line is busy, doll horder, it's all right.

We got a call on the line with James from Danbury, Connecticut. Hello James, Hi, ron a longtime fan. Of course you are. I'm an alpha's alpha. I'm an alf Alfa. So I'm about to be a college freshman and i want to become a doctor.

Uh, I'm thinking neurosurgeon.

Maybe do you have any advice for how I can make that happen? James, I do have some advice, and that advice is don't go to college, bro. Student debt is for suckers. You can learn everything you would in medical school by purchasing a corpse on the doc web. You buy the corpse, you cut it open, you poke around inside, and hey, you'll be ready to operate on live humans after four to five corpses. No debt required. That said, you should pledge a frat. Next call up.

Hey, Ronnie, this is Mike from Staten Island.

What's up, Mike from Staten Island. How can I improve your life today?

I want to be an Instagram influencer. Right now, I have two hundred followers, mostly high school friends. How can I gain more?

Okay, I get this a lot. The answer is simple. Instagram loves sex appeal and it loves travel. So I always tell people, quit your job and become a pirate. Go somewhere sexy, like Somalia. Your Instagram will explode.

Trust me, bro, Oh okay, is there a way I can gain Instagram followers without the I'm a pirate?

No, bro, are you kidding me? I just gave you advice that's worth like a billion dollars. You're off the phone and gone the next flight to Mogo d Shoe. Okay, I've had enough of you.

Next caller, Hello, nine one one.

My husband.

He's gripping at his chest. I think he's having a heart attack. Oh hell yeah.

Okay, some context for our listeners. I recently got a life hack from post Malone. You pay a guy the phone company to read direct number one calls to your personal line. Instant growth had one.

My husband is real bad.

Wow, it sounds like he's really suffering from a bad aude.

I don't know how I get connected to you, but please.

Send an ambulance.

I don't think he's gonna.

Make You're definitely not with that negativity. Don't hate job create Okay.

Next caller, mister Chang, this is Agent Jim Peterson again with the Internal Revenue Service.

Okay, that was a wrong number.

You know, I've got a lot of haters at the IRS because of how successful I've been. Like, seriously, I'm the mother Teresa of giving and the Wesley Snipes of paying taxes.

All right. Next scholar is Ryan from Nashville. What's up, buddy? Hey man, I just finish reading your book. Nice.

Thank you so much. For those who don't know, my new book, The Success Virus How to Infect Yourself with Winning is in stores now. Is two under and twenty pages of pure knowledge.

Yeah about that.

The first twenty pages were just foes of you at Plant Fitness, and then the last un pays were just a knockoff of the Babysitters Club.

Hey, don't knock the Teenage Childcare Society. I mean talks with Disney Plus to make it into a mini series.

There's no advice in the book at all.

I want my money back.

Yeah, and I want my former assistance to stop telling people I have a lifetime ban from Jiffy Lube. But we don't always get what we want. We get what we crush. Let's crush an ad break right now. And when we're back, what have my special guest Daily Show correspondent And I'm gonna ask him if he's ever snorted dog trunquilizers WHOA. Today's episode is sponsored by Doctor Manhood's

Listen, bros.

These crystals will change your life. I recently mowed down a witch with my tesla, and when I went to go check for the body, all that was there was a burlap sack filled with these crystals. Now I'm selling them to you for literally any amount of money. Please, I need them out of my house. I just tried to throw them in a river, but when I got back to my place, there was more of them. Ryan

I actually I think I can bench for a slight one seventy five last I try.

Okay, well that's pretty weak.

What is that smell?

It's dear caucas Roy, you are crushing it.

You crushing it too? Running?

Yeah, I know.

It's it's actually a problem. How hot I'm crushing it. It's starting to affect the people around me and the people I love. Uh, Roy, let me, let me ask you something. Uh, you're like a stand up comedian, right, A lot of nights on the road lonely. How do you stay emotionally connected to your loved ones while containing focus on your career.

I think the important thing when you're traveling is to take something from home on the road.

I'm just kidding.

No one cares about take my first real question, Hey, you ever done d MT? No, you have an inject horse platelest I don't even know what that. You have a free base of stuff inside glow sticks.

I'm not into that, Ronnie. I just can we just talk about some of the stuff I'm working on. I got a web series.

But before that, Roy, let me just ask you. You ever take LSD and have a three someome inside and aquarium?

You know, I'm gonna just answer the question about travel, Okay, all right, question, all right, answer the travel question.

Okay, go ahead, but you might if I crack out some chin ups while you talk.

Fine, do whatever you need to do. Man. Look, when I'm on the road, I do my best to make sure that my family has my number one priority. I FaceTime with my I try to make sure that my son knows that I love him. So I FaceTime with the.

Pain is just weakness exiting the bottom.

So for me, it comes down to one question. When I'm looking at what gigs would take, will this opportunity negatively affect my family life? Because I have to consider how many days I'm going to miss mine? For sure? Man? Great? Great?

I did three hundred chin outs by the way, not sure if you notice me over there, just pulling up, just just ripping metal.

So I gotta ask, you're doing no PA November?

What the hell is no P November?

It's where you don't urinate for an entire month of November. I'm doing it.

It's sick running November was last year, dude.

November is a state of mind.

Is that like no nut November where you don't masturbate to It's.

Like that because it involves the penis, but instead of nutting, it's urine, so you having pee for an entire month.

That's right.

The only P I'm into is P ninety X. It's a powerful world because it's got numbers and letters in it. Speaking of power, you ever eat a bald eagle? They're an endangered species. Why would I eatn patriotism?

Bro?

I eat bald eagle? And I feel America coursing through my.

Veins even buy a bald.

Okay, So I was watching your last standout special. Very funny stuff, by the way.

Appreciate that. Thanks.

I especially love the part where you talk about the nutritional benefits of elk meat.

Ire that was me you were watching. I didn't talk about elk in my special. I didn't talk about elk meat.

Oh okay, Well maybe I'm confused because I watched it on ten x speed finished a whole hour in six minutes.

Anyway, you ever do an elk binge.

It's the way you kill an elk and you have seventy two hours to eat the entire thing, including the bones.

It's how cavemen lived.

Caveman also had an average lifespan of seventeen years. They didn't have Tesla as a podcast. They didn't even speak English.

That's a really good point.

Elk meat is really lean and dense and nutrients.

It feels like I'm saying things and then you're just hearing words completely different from the words I'm.

Saying, Like totally that was so nineties, you.

Know, all right? Can I ask you a question? Shoot, why are you like this? Why are you obsessed with cavemen, fitness routines, masculine diet fads, and drugs inside of glow sticks and eagle jerky. What happened to you? What made you this way?

Wow? No one's ever asked me that before. Actually, you know what, I don't know if I can talk about this.

No, no, no, no, you can, you can, man, you.

Can just okay.

Well, ever since I was a teenager, I knew I was different. I was rebellious, and I fell in with the wrong crowd. I got into fast cause, extreme sports, trusty women.

Okay, but that's pretty on par for a young guy.

That's then one day my life changed. The government needed my extreme sports expertise to infiltrate a Russian terrorist cell in Central Europe.

Okay, hold up, please, Roy, let me get through this.

The terrorist group known as Anarchi ninety nine had acquired a biochemical weapon and there was only one one way to this, on the missile, using my extreme sports capabilities and racing cars through streets of prog.

Wait, so Anarchy ninety nine, Yeah, and you shure that was the name of the terrorists group. Yeah, okay, that's just the plot to Triple X. That was Vin Diesel, who did all that? You didn't do that shit? Yeah?

They based that movie on me.

You're full of shit.

Nah, man, I'm full of urine. No p November. Remember I'm gonna go.

Man, this is weird.

Well the doors a lot from the outside, so that's not happening.

Okay, that's another episode of hashtag Crushing a success podcast for winners.

Can't Lea's plug my website.

I hope you learn some new ways to hack your way through the jungle we call life. Wow. Thanks to my guest, Ray Woods Junior didous movie. Thanks everyone. I gotta go do CrossFit with the founder of we Work. We're best friends until next time. Keep crushing that shit.

Whoa.

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Crush your grease. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show wherever you.

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