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Okay, let's kick things off with Donald Trump.
That's right.
The man so bad at sex he pays people not to talk about it. Yep, we're still all waiting for the cops to arrest him for lying about his affair with a porn start. But until then, he's continuing his presidential campaign and staying focused on the important issues like lying about his affair with a porn start.
Former President Trump used his first official campaign rally in Waco, Texas to denounce the legal threats against him.
People see it's bullshit, and they go and they say it's unfair. The District Attorney of New York, under the auspices and direction of the Department of Injustice in Washington, DC, was investigating me for something that is not a crime. To mean, not an affair. I never liked horse face.
I never liked I know, it's just not it's.
A terrible thing. That wouldn't be the one. There is no one. We have a great first lady.
Wow, wow, nice say bro. You could actually see his brain try to turn the car around and his mouth was driving. I didn't have an affair, and I'm never had an affair. And I'm actually I actually never had sex. Did you know that? I'm a virgin and the best and biggest virgin ever. By the way, I do the worst Trump impersonation ever. I shuck at doing Trump.
But yeah.
Over the weekend, Trump kicked off his twenty twenty four campaign in Waco, Texas. I love that Trump's running for office and from the law at the same time. How great is that he's going to be the first presidential candidate who's going to be giving speeches from his getaway car. Oh yeah, my fellow Americans, we've got a lower in fleshed. We got to get a handle on China.
The most approbing you have to crack down a crime. You'll never take me alive your pigs.
Well, I think my Trump impersonation is getting better, don't you.
Yeah?
Just being nice?
I know, I love you.
You know. We've had such a heavy week of news, so I thought, you know, we'd wrap up things this week with some lighthearted news that's really going to put a smile on your face.
We're interrupting this package right now because we have some breaking news, and it is historic news out of lowermanhand right now, in federal jury a Granduate has voted to indict former President Trump, the first time ever that a former president has been criminally trying.
That's right, I've lost my tray. Yeah, that's right, that's right. That's right. Lady Justice grabbed Trump by the pussy. You know, I take a firm stance against mass incarceration. Okay, but for this, I'm willing to make an exception. I just hope they take it easy on him and put him at least in a cell with his lawyer. But hey, let there be a lesson to all your kids out there.
Okay, if you.
Commit fraud to cover up an affair with a porn star, the law will catch up to you after like seven years and in a full term as president. Now, I know we're all oping to see him put in handcuffs, but we don't know how it's all going to go down. The report is that they're going to try to negotiate his surrender. Either that or the lead a trail of Big Max leading to the prison. And you know, a lot of pundits like Lindsey Graham are saying this is
going to be good for Trump. But mother, why don't you get arrested and see if it's.
Good for you.
Shit anyway.
We don't know.
When this will actually arrest him or how it's going to pan out, but hey, maybe going to prison might be good for Trump, maybe what he needs, because at least in prison, he'll be able to pursue his greatest passions, reading, working out, and converting to Islam.
Let's move on to the real championship game, State of New York versus Donald J. Trump All trumpet oh old Trump. It was indicted last week for paying a porn star hush money. You know, Trump gotta be mad he paid all that hush money. Didn't nobody hush?
It's messed up.
It's in the word hush sh But no affair, no affair has been less hushed than this one. Everybody know about this damn affair. That's uncontacted. Tribes in the Amazon who know that Trump bone Stormy Daniels. I do not know where the plane is, but I do know that Stormy Daniels paint Trump with a magazine. Now excuse me said Now look now, if you notice I did not do a native accent. I'm not trying to get canceled on my first stick. I am holding a spear, my bag,
but I didn't do no accent. The point is Trump has been indicted and tomorrow the circus is coming to town.
New York City this morning, preparing to become the setting for an unprecedented legal and political drama as Donald Trump returns to face the criminal charges against him. Mister Trump expected to face some thirty separate charges that first ever filed against a former president in an indictment handed up last Thursday, still secret and under seal until his arraignment.
Mister Trump's arraignment Tuesday will include being processed at the courthouse, with fingerprints and a DNA sample expected to be taken as well, but he likely won't be handcuffed and Secret Service agents will protect him at every turn.
That's right, Trump's gotta provide a DNA sample, which, if you think about it, that's kind of how he got in this mess in the first place. Upside with Trump's DNA, The upside with Trump's DNA not an NYPD could probably solve a bunch of cold cases from the naviies. Why are they arraigning him like he's annoy normal person? Hein't a normal person. Trump and a normal person. Normal people don't bring the Secret Service to get arrested, and to be honest, I kind of feel sorry for the Secret
Service agents. How you get assigned to a former president. You're supposed to be going to baseball games and windsurfing. You get a signed to Trump. You gotta go to rackers. You gotta take a shank for this man. You gotta taste test of toilet wine, make sure they poisoned. You gotta dig the escape tunnel, then duck the dirt in a softball field. I'll never forget the day Donald Trump showed up on the guy with Secret Service agents. He thought I was Ben Casson, But Morgan Freeman's terrible. I
gotta work under. But it's not all bad for Trump. According to reports, he's already raised five million dollars since the news dropped on Thursday. Five five million dollars. This man is balling five million dollars. Do you know how many cigarettes that'll get you in prison? Honestly, this might be teaching this man the wrong lesson. Trump gonna start telling people to snitch on him for other crimes he did,
just so he can get that bag too. Trump would be the first man in history to pay unhush money well, going to jail might be the new way to fundraise if you're a politician. Hillary probably sitting around like hell, five million dollar shit, maybe they should have locked me up. So we're here in New York City, and today was one for the history books because when today begain, we were preparing for the craziest day in New York since the stay Puffed Marshmallow Man came to town and busted
a nut on the whole city that wasn't Marshmallow's. But today was even crazier because today was Trump arraignment day, taking the news in.
A remarkable chapter of American history, for the first time, a former president faced a judge in a criminal courtroom on charges he broke the law. And it happened right here in New York City.
Former President Trump pleads not guilty to thirty four counts of falsifying business records related to hush money payments. The photograph is stark and historic as we look at it.
Donald Trump, that's a man who looks like a defendant, you know, the former president.
I've seen that face not many times.
He's he looks somber.
Look at you, Look at your ass.
Now got yours.
Tough?
You spent all that money talking shit about the judge and talked about the d a L. I'm a march in the courtroom and I'm a dumb shit yours sun. Look at how sad Trump looks. My man look like somebody told him his dog dot Mike Pence is still alive. And you can talk all the shit you want, but I'm telling your baby, the moment you in that courtroom, that shit get real. Trump's sitting there, Trump saitting there like, Wow, y'all really gonna do this to man? And he alone.
Ain't none of your boys around no more. You gave them all pardons and everybody. No, you don't pardon all your partners. You gotta leave one in jails. He has somebody to talk to. And on top of all that, this this is how I know Trump did something. I don't know what he gives here, but he did something. To Look at that outfit first day of court here in a suit that don't even fit. Why would you do that? Gwyneth Paltrow showed you the cheat cold boy.
You got to dress like you don't give them. You got to dress for court like you on your way to somewhere else. Look at Gwyneth Paltrow, you can't convict me. These glasses are caught yours, Gordie, Is that how you say it? I don't know. I can't afford nice glasses. So, as you can imagine, it was a crazy day in New York and the city was ready for anything. Barricades
were laid out, every police officer was on duty. Even Mayor Eric Adams said he might not go to the club tonight just in case y'all need him, because you know he'd be in the club. He got to keep the phone on vibrating, but call him twice so you know it's an emergency, and the cops. I'll get the NYPD. The NYPD this, They were right to set up all the barricades. Trump supporters swarmed downtown Manhattan and filled the
streets with red, white, and blue. It was like a Puerto Rican Day parade for people who want to deport Puerto Ricans. And to the police's credit, to the police's credit, to that credit, they handled it perfectly. They kept everybody on both sides, far enough apart so nobody got hurt, but close enough so they could still roast the shit out of each other. Ah yes, ah yes, the classics. Do nothing win an argument faster than a your mama. It hit like I said, It was like your mama,
you lose no matter what you said. Donald Trump was a political prisoner, unfairly talking about the criminal justices. Your mama, bitch, That's how it hit you. You bleed out. Let's move on to the big story, the arrest of Donald J. Trump. Oh you heard about it. Y'all heard about it, Okay. I thought it was just a little under you know, little Yesterday was a momentous day for Donald J. Trump.
He was indicted for thirty four counts of falsifying business records and also one count of clogg in the courthouse toilet. They added that one at the last minute. So old Trump. He went down to the courthouse, looked around stupid for a couple of minutes, and then fled on his private jet to Florida because, as you all know, Florida does not have an extradition treaty with the United States. He rolled up tomorrow Lago and then he waved to his support US and then offered to put a stump up.
They butt.
Exapt. What is this? Seriously? Who adds motion to a thumbs up? It's simple, like the elbow. Trump got to be the first person to add the jerk off motion to a thumbs up. Thanks so much for coming out. I really appreciate it. Oh so, then after all of that, it was time for Trump to give his big speech and sidebar. Why people still going to Trump's speeches like, I get it, I get it, that's show dude. But
you know what he gonna say. He said, Donald Trump is a comedian that ain't changed his act in years.
You know what he gonna do.
Liberal media be doing this, and.
Joe Biden, Joe Biden, and then they be doing this. You're the right line, Come on, not DJ kickt.
The only the only thing, the only thing that changes year to year with Trump is who his enemy is. And for this fight, he's got two new ones.
In a defiant speech at mar A Lango, the former president claimed he's a victim and targeted the prosecutor and judge in the case.
They can't beat us at the ballot box, so they try and beat us through the law. The criminal is the district attorney. Why have a Trump hating judge with the t Trump hating wife and family?
Who who you know?
Go to trial? And talk shit about the judge. That's bold. The judge could destroy you. He could destroy you. And you rolling them up. You about to fight cocaine bad. You don't offer him crack first. And he didn't just call out the judge. Trump called out the kids. You don't pull the kids.
And the even rappers don't go after the kids, and they murder each other. And and Trump said, the man has a Trump hating wife. But to be fair, to be fair, I don't even know if that was an insult because Donald Trump also has a.
Trump hating wife.
You know, you can't tell me, Millennia don't hate that man. If anything, this week was confirmation if y'all think, let me ask you this sent During Donald Trump's forty five minutes as a political prisoner, where.
Was his wife?
So many people noticed the former First Lady, the former president's wife, Belania Trump, was not in attendance last night.
His wife, former First Lady Melania Trump, she was not there.
Among the guests were ardent Trump supporters, including Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Green and the My Pillow founder Mike Lindell. One person noticeably absent last night was former First Lady Milania Trump.
Even the pillow salesman showed up for the speech, but his own wife didn't show up. And the speech was at the house, Blaniga didn't even come downstairs. She opened up the bedroom door. Oh you're back from prison already.
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