You're listening to Comedy Central. This is a great night for us.
We're always excited on the show to find new talented voices that can contribute to our program. So we are very pleased to welcome our newest contributor from South Africa, mister Trevor.
Noah Trevor, thanks for joining us.
Nice sleep weapon, Sorry I can, I'm like, how are you?
We're really delighted that you're going to be joining us on I know that you flew in I guess yesterday from South Amo.
Yeah.
I just flew in and boy, oh my arms tied.
Okay, all right there, oldie, but a goodie, very nice.
No, no, no, seriously, I've been holding my arms like this since I got here.
Yeah.
I never thought I'd be more afraid of police in America than in South Africa. It's kind of makes me a little nostalgic for the old days back home.
That's just come on.
Are you saying black people in South Africa today don't get assaulted and killed by police?
Oh?
No, no, no, I mean they do.
But since the pots I'd ended, they're now also being killed by black police.
Progress. Well that's.
That's listen, baby steps, But you're you're relaxed. Now, you're not nervous. You feel good, You're I'm.
Still a bit nervous, to be honest.
Between your cops and Frankly, Yo Ebola.
Your Ebola, My friends not are believe me, he misspoke. You are from Africa, Jerry Bola, my friend.
No, no, no, no, South Africa. John.
We haven't had a single case over eighteen years.
In fact, my friends warned me. They were like, Trevor, don't go, don't go to the US. You'll catch you Bola.
And I was like, you know what, guys, just because they had a few cases of Ibola doesn't mean we should cut off travel there.
That would be ignorant, right.
Now, that would be ignorant, you know.
I guess we tend to forget that South Africa, you know, isn't you know, right next door to to Liberia, right.
Four thousand miles away?
Yeah, that's what right?
Yeah, I was calculating in kilometers.
I'm sure you were, John. Thanks.
I know you know what, to a lot of Americans, Africa is just one giant village full of aids, huts and starving children who you can say, for just five cents a day. But there's a whole other side of Africa you never get to see.
Yeah, you get that video of the lions who chased that buffalo and then the crocodile comes up and he grabs it, you.
Know, yeah, yeah, there he is, and then the buffalo gets to it.
Yeah.
That's a good one. Yeah, that's not what I'm talking about me neither. John. Let's you know what, Let's play a little game. It's called Spot the Africa.
This doesn't involve me identifying anything on a map.
Right, No, No, I wouldn't do that to you.
Thank you.
Just tell me which of these pictures were taken in America and which one is from Africa.
Okay, I got this. The beautiful highway there on the right there probably Silicon Valley. It's probably heading off to the Twitter there. The one on the left clearly been shelled by rebels. I'm gonna go with Somalia maybe.
And actually the road on the rights is a super highway in Central Africa. The folks are on the left. I took that from my cab on the way here from the air ports. Yeah, that's the FDR.
Try again, try all right, Okay, this one's easy. On the left there that's the Success Academy in Harlem on the right. There, we gotta gonna go homeless kids. I'm gonna go with in Somalia again. I think that's that's my go to reference Somalia.
I'm sorry, John, The answer I was looking for was classroom in Kenya on the left and children in Detroit on the right.
Last one.
I hate the same game all right now, I get that. I get how this works now.
The one on the right there, that's that's Detroit, right okay, and then uh.
Well, actually that's that's a slum in Johannesburg. Some places in Africa are still all right.
I get your point though, Trevor. But but you're not saying that things in.
Africa, uh are, are better than they are in America, are you?
No? No, no, I'm not saying that's you guys are saying that's.
The United States right now, incarc rates more African Americans as a percentage than aparth height South Africa. The race gap and wealth in the United States now right now between the average median white family and the median black family is eighteen fold. That's greater than the black white wealth gap was in apartheid South Africa.
Oh my god, here's the amazing part.
For South Africa to achieve that kind of black white wealth gap, we had to construct an entire apartheid state, denying blacks the right to vote or own property.
But you you did it without even trying.
We trained for decades and you just waltzed in and won the gold medal.
Well, that's blundering into things, is how we rolled.
Well, at least we're getting better. We started from the bottom and now we're here.
Oh.
A little bit of Drizzy, a little bit of Drake right there, a little bit.
Of never heard of her? All right.
I've gotta be honest, John, Africa's worried about you, guys. You know what African mothers tell their children every day, Be grateful for what you have, because there are fat children stufving in Mississippi. In fact, we're so worried that me and some of my friends and so wet so got together and I told them, I said, guys, for just a few few pennies a day, you can help an American.
That's very kind, Trevor.
I'm now they're expecting something from you in return. They're expecting at least a letter month.
No, I know, I know how that goes. I know how you have.
If you want, you know what, you can just draw a picture.
That's nice.
And you know what, we wrote a song for you as well, all right, something like this feed America. Let them know Christmas.
Wait, all right, Erica, everybody now, let them know.
It's Christmas time, man Trevor. Know everybody, It's Thursday, which means it's time once again for our weekly chess news roundup.
I thought you guys liked that anyway.
This week in chess, America is making a concerted effort to buy top foreign chess players in an attempt to win next year's Chess Olympia gold medal for the first time in decades. That's right, the United States is buying up nerds, NERD mercenaries, NERD scenaries for more. We welcome back our senior international correspondent, mister Trevor Noah, Trevor.
Pleasure, thank you, very delighted.
To have you here.
Thank you very much, John.
It's an absolute pleasure to be back here to talk about chess. The game of kings, smart checkers, black and white, horsey squaze. The history of chess stretches back centuries so, oh, come on.
John, John, I'm sorry, I'm on, I'm sorry.
I just wow.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize how boring chess was until someone else started talking about it.
All right, look.
I mean, if Americans are so bored by chess, then why are you stealing everyone else's players.
We'd like to win. We would like to win. I mean, let's raise fact.
We could patiently build a homegrown chess team through years of hard work. But years of hard work, we'd rather just buy him.
You know what, John, does America really need to be the best at everything? I mean, you already dominate the world in economics, military power, obesency.
Well, you're very kind. We have the most Dakotas.
You've got so many Dakotas. Yes, what is it?
North, North, South, South, Fanning Johnson, need some Dakota for the.
Rest of us.
It is not like America has not had chess grades of its own. You had a what was that movie, Bobby Fisher?
But that was what forty years ago?
No, I just ranted it. It was a deep blue IBM chess computer.
I'm pretty sure the pots came from China.
All right, Trevor, what if we don't buy players. What if we don't buy them? It's just free market?
This not works, No, John, it's not. This is a sports kind of right.
This is not meant to be an economic transaction like buying a loaf of bread or seats in congress. America is supposed to be all about earning victory. Do you remember that movie where a guy from Philadelphia punched the Russian so hard it.
Ended the Cold War?
What if instead of training Rocky to fight Ivan Drago, America just hired Ivan Drogo.
It's a way worse movie.
That would be a totally awesome movie.
Fish out of water, communist in a capitalist country. But he learns how to love America and teaches his landlord how to make borsh like it's such a good movie.
Would it would be a good movie? Get the cub.
Would I would like to go to.
I love it?
But you know what, John, I don't even think that this is about chess.
This is about Russia.
Because what's the only thing Russians love more than full their own car accidents, land grabs, no.
Chess. They have more world champions than any other country.
Who's their current champion?
Oh?
Well?
Officially putin I mean, come on, we all remember that famous photo O.
You know what's where I always thought he was on a real horse. You don't look because you just see the nipples.
You don't realize that's true. But here's my point.
America has been trying to get back at Russia for stealing Crimea, you know, warring with the Ukraine supporting Asade. You've tried everything, sanctions, diplomacy, passive, aggressive subtweets.
Nothing's worked.
So now you're trying to take Russia's place as the world's chess superpower because you know that would really hurt them where it hurts, right in the ponds.
They're just so mean.
I just hate them so much.
Yeah, but I understand, John, But if you really want to beat them, yes, you need to do it the old fashioned way.
You need to earn it. And you know what, I'm going to give you a.
Chance to make this whole think rights through the ancient battle of black versus White.
Enough with the Ferguson we already talked about.
No, No, John, John, I mean what through the magic of chess.
Wow, all right, I know I know how to play the traditional cutting of the wires.
I thought they'd go away but they don't.
It's oh there, it goes all right, very nice, all.
Right, okay, all right.
Because I'm white, I'll go first.
Uh all right, Uh, I guess because I'm Jewish, I'll go second.
Porn to d four oh snap, mouse trap, check mate us.
Sign your US, turn your US sign, Trevor Noah, call me right back.
Bloo.
Alabama voters, they're not gonna ditch Roy Moore. One of the biggest reasons is because his people have used another trick from the Trump playbook, make all of the news fake news.
Mudding the waters even more in Alabama, a bogus robocall this suspicious message pretending to be from the Washington Post, which broke the story about War's accusers.
Pat is your journey friend Skimmer, reporter for the Washington Post, going to find out as anyone who just address to the female between the ages and fifty four to fifty seven years old, willing to make damnite usion remarks about candidate Willimore for a warder between five thousand and seven thousand dollars.
All right, I'm gonna go out on a limon say this. Bernie Bernstein is not a real Washington Post reporter I don't even know what that accent was. It sounded like a guy trying to do a New York Jewish voice based on hearing a friend describe a Woody Allen movie. Like, obviously, there is no Bernie Bernstein from the Washington Post.
People are being paid for this, really, as someone.
Who's out there's paying people to make up stories about Roy Moore, Like like, what is.
Sorry? I don't know who this is?
Hello, Hello, Trevor, boy chick here, How can you say that Bernie Bernstein isn't real?
It's me os Meir, I'm sorry. Who is It's Washington.
Post reporter Bernie Burnstein?
Well should it be?
I'm sorry, something's not right about this. Hold on you. You sound like you're nearby. Where did you say you.
Were calling from his friend?
I'm calling Frimdon Washington Post and Bernie Burnstein.
I'm a real person.
I'm a very julish really.
Really, Trevor, may I say something to start.
Of using a flip phone? John, I'm old.
I was actually just trying to promote a night at Too Many Stars on HBO. And it's a benefit to raise money for autism services. And there's a lot of great people in I. I just wanted to come by and thank you for doing something to help raise money for the Autism Benefit as well. There Trevor's actually doing something for it as well.
I mean, I feel like you can all do something. You don't.
You don't need anti semitism to come into the show, John, you could have just asked.
Me, I don't.
I don't need it.
I just like it that way. That's how I function best.
But that's that's that's right.
Like here at the Daily Show, we've decided to raffle off a chance for someone at home to be interviewed by me here on our sets.
What yeah, that's right.
What I will fly you and a friend into a friend I will put you up in a hotel and then we can sit down at this very desk and talk about anything you want. Just go to omais dot com slash Trevor and make a donation.
That's an unbelievable prize.
And I'll tell you why I watched this show and you're very good at it.
Well, thank you if you if you don't mind me asking like what have you what have you been up to?
Live out there?
And I you know, the wilds of Jersey raising the animals doing the thing there.
So it's you know, the bad Lands as it were.
So you're raising animals and so you're basically in Africa and I'm in America.
It's like we flip lives. That's what happened here.
I have to get this. Yes, Hello, this is Bernie Burney.
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