Texas Strikes Down Abortion Exemption | Vir Das

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This is The Daily Show with your host Calpen.

Welcome to The Daily Show. I'm Cal Penn.

I'm back again and Yo, what a day it.

Has been from New York.

The Knicks and the Giants one and I only saw one dude masturbating on the subway, So we did in New York. Look, we got a great show for you tonight. So let's get into the headlines. We begin with Donald Trump, former presidents and current courtroom ski. One of the most serious charges is his attempt to steal the twenty twenty election, and with less than a year ago before he attempts to steal the next election, things in the case are starting to move quickly.

Happening now breaking news.

The United States Supreme Courts just agreed to weigh in for the first time on Donald Trump's historic criminal prosecution.

This afternoon, Special counsel Jacksmith filed a brief urging the US Supreme Court to rule on whether the former president is immune from federal prosecution for his actions while he was in the White House. Smith is trying to keep the election subversion trials scheduled for next March on track, and he's hoping to avoid the delays that are coming as Trump's team fights this issue of immunity through lower courts.

So to Trump thinks stealing the election was part of his job. I mean, looka what you want about the guy, but it's pretty ballsy when your defense is both I didn't do anything.

And also I was allowed to do it. Like what a paradox?

Trump is what I like to call a Schrodinger's But look, look, if the Constitution allows a president to overturn the Constitution, then like, what was the point of the Constitution, The whole thing might as.

Well end with do whatever, man, I don't give it.

And by the way, even if the Supreme Court rules for Trump, he should realize that this ruling would apply to any president, which means Joe Biden would have total immunity to do anything he wants, stealing quarters from behind little kids years left and right, getting their noses, never giving them back, or hey, maybe he'll just arrest Trump and send him to Guantanamo. Right, no, no, no, we

Now, no, you failed again. It's not funny. Now. One person who won't.

Be defending Trump in front of the Supreme Court is his former lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, seen here watching porn on full volume. And that's because Rudy's busy with his own legal problems.

This morning, Rudy Giuliani is back in court, face to face with the two Georgia election workers whose lives were nearly ruined by his repeated falsehoods and conspiracy theories about them after the twenty twenty election, Giuliani telling me after court yesterday he stands by all of it. Do you regret what you did to Ruby Framan regret I told the truth.

They were engaged in changing folks.

There's no proof of that.

Oh again, right, there is the states.

Of Ruby Freeman and her daughter, Andrea Shay Moss served his election workers in Georgia in twenty twenty, but when Donald Trump claimed basically that the vote count was rigged, Giuliani accused them of bringing in suitcases stuffed with.

Fake Biden votes and other skullduggery.

I really felt that someone would tell him, like, no, sir, you don't.

Know what you're talking about.

Yesterday, during Obody's statements, Julianni's lawyer said that up to forty three million dollars in damages the workers are seeking, will quote be the end of him?

The end of Rudy Giuliani. Oh no, that sounds awesome.

The end of Rudy Giuliani is like the best case scenario. Why is Rudy's lawyer threatening the jury with a good time? He's like, you really want to see my client broke and sobbing like a little bit?

Hump?

Oh, you want to see him crying so hard? He peas his pants and pe gets all over the floors.

How what you want? Hump?

Then he slips on his pee and I was rolling on the floor just covered in pee. Donald Trump tries to help him up, and then he slips on the pee and then they both slide out the door onto Rudy's pee, right into two chefs carrying a big cake.

Is that funny to you? Look?

I might feel more sympathy for Rudy if during his defamation trial. He wasn't outside the courthouse doing more defamation. Like does he get that every time you do a crime, it's like its own thing. Like this guy's committing defamation. Like he's got the unlimited plan. Their crimes don't roll over to the next month, Rudy. And finally, let's move on to one of the only cases that does not involve Donald Trump. And this one comes out of the

New meeting this morning, a new twist in a Texas woman's legal battle to get an abortion in her home state. The Texas Supreme Court last night ruled against Kate Cox after she sought an emergency medical exception to the state's abortion man. Doctors say her twenty week fetus has a severe abnormality and the little chance of survival, and they say continuing the pregnancy could put her health at risk,

Wow, so this case is what legal experts refer to as bullshit. I mean, come on, Texas Texas's abortion laws are so restrictive this woman had to flee the state like some sort of senator. Controversial opinion in twenty twenty three, A court shouldn't get to decide whether a woman can get a medical procedure or if they're going to.

Yeah you can.

If they're going to, then they should also get to rule on a man's right to like pass a kidney stone.

Sorry, Brian, God has a plan for that rock.

For more on the Texas Supreme Court decision, we turned to Grace Colan SCHMIDTZ.

Grace, it's just chaos down there in Texas. Right now.

Courts are saying doctors should decide when abortions are medically necessary. But then when the doctors decide, the courts overrule them, and then other courts overrule those courts. It's like it's like no one's in charge of the decision.

I know, right, But here's a crazy idea. When it comes to deciding whether a woman can have an abortion. What if we gave that decision to.

Just one person.

What if this one person is the person who knows what's best for each woman better than anyone else.

See where you're going with this.

And that person should be the Golden Bachelor's.

That is not where I thought you were going.

Why should the Golden Bachelor decide every woman's abortion?

It makes sense.

His whole thing is making tough choices about who stays and who goes.

Right, But I thought you were gonna say, like the woman.

A tchou woman like Beyonce. I mean, she is from Texas, but I don't know.

She seems so.

Distracted with her tour. She's not responding to any of my texts. You have Beyonce's number, No, but I've been guessing. One of these days, I'm gonna get it right, Grace.

I'm sorry, but I really don't think this is a good idea.

Uh are you? Man'splaining abortion to me?

Cow?

How dare you?

It's my body and it's my right to decide which man gets to tell me what to do.

With it, and I want that man to be the Golden Rattler.

Okay, okay, but it doesn't even matter. The Republicans in charge of these states don't care who chooses because they.

Don't want anybody to choose. They're prosecuting all abortions.

Sprass acute smashamut.

There's an easy solution here. Any woman who.

Needs an abortion just needs to get elected president because presidents have total immunity.

Hashtag free Trump.

How is a woman who needs an abortion supposed to become president?

Simple?

We distract the men, butter them up, listen to them play guitar whatever. Then we turn them against each other while they're busy fighting on the beach. The ladies vote her into the Oval office.

Are you describing the plot of the Barbie movie?

It worked? Cal, by the way, you're so good at guitar.

We're both gay, Grace.

Sometimes I forget.

Okay, So look, she becomes president and her first act is we getting an abortion?

Yeah?

She goes into the situation room, because what a sticky situation this is.

Then the Super Secret Service rules in and it's out of there.

Grace, this sounds way too complicated.

Isn't the simplest and best solution to just leave the decision up to the woman who's pregnant?

Man, you're so dumb, Cal.

I'm gonna text Beyonce right now to tell her how dumb you sound.

I'm gonna try starting with the letter three. I've never done that one before.

Grace Kleinschmid everybody, why don't we come back. We'll find out who's gonna win the Republican nomination.

So don't go.

Away, Hey, welcome back to the Daily Show.

The twenty twenty four presidential is upon us, and there's a surprising new constituency that might make the difference. I sat down with some of them to find out what they're thinking. We're just days away from the start of the twenty twenty four election and there are not one, not two, but three Indian American candidates in the mix. We're already half of VP Kamala Harris, and Indian Americans make up almost half of the Republican primary.

So I gathered a group of mostly.

Conservative Indian American voters to find out why our race is all over this race.

I think Indian Americans are very smart. Yeah, they're intelligent, They're smart.

I think we do come off as kind of the model minority, a minority that is just American enough, but just diverse enough to kind of fit that role.

You're saying, if we can't have a white president, at least we should have an Indian one.

It's in that blood.

They're not to lead.

That our parents push us too much. Is there something in the doll.

I think Chinese are coming close to that. Yeah, the Chinese and Filipinos they've too.

You're the uncle who gets cut off after the third Johnny one. You get cut off after that. Okay, these uncles think we're uniquely qualified. But which brown candidate belongs in the White House? The annoying kid in the front row of the class, the stern assistant principal, or the teacher that went missing halfway through the school.

I support Nikki Heley.

She's coming from an immigrant immigrant parents, and I totally support that because I'm an immigrant myself.

So I have I have Joe Biden and Kamala Harris.

I personally prefer a Democratic candidate that decided to levelhead.

It's a boring and you like boring.

Nikki Haley is my first choice. It's time for a woman to be a president, and it's time for an Indian American to be a president.

A woman to be president. Fine, but not Kamala Harris.

Not Kamala Harris. No, Okay.

What disappoints an Auntie Moore the fact that Kamala's only half Indian, or that she's only vice.

President vice bresident. She hasn't made it.

Yet a little controversially, I have been looking into the VEC a little bit because he's very much the opposite of what I've been voting for him.

He's got Riz.

Who here thinks that VEC has Riz? I agree with?

Yeah, I think yeah.

I think so too. I see Vivek and I was like, he's pretty hot.

Until he opens his mouth and then I'm like, no, how gonna happen for it? So according to our panel, Riz is being the loudest doucee in the room.

Why am I the only person on the stage at least who can say that January sixth now does look like it was an inside job?

But how well do they know what's actually coming out of their candidate's mouths. I wanted to play a game called who said that to find out. First off, to the people of India and to Indian Americans all across the US, I want to wish you.

A happy Indian Independence Day? Who said that?

You all got it right? Except for Trumpunkle, it was? It was Coblan.

I remember while back watching an interview was I think with the mayor of San Francisco, and he was talking about how the only reason she even became da was because he had an affair with her.

That was not all the question. But that is a very national estate.

Your whatsappas are way more than mine. Art as much fun as that misogynist fan fiction was. I had to get our focus back on the game, all right, America is not a racist country. Just trying to figure out if he or she sounds disappointed when they said that we've got one, two, three, four, five, six Trumps and three Chris Christie's that is incorrect.

That is a quote from Nikki Hayley.

Wow.

Do you agree or disagree with that quote?

Have a disagree?

It's still prevalent to this day. No matter where you look, there's always racism.

Every single time I write on the subway, I always get picked for extra scrutiny and they always want to check my bag.

Well, what's in your bag? I get it. You were out. We can tell if you.

All in agreement that that racism is a problem in the country, does it make you want to vote for the person you think would do the best job at fixing that?

No?

No, why not?

There what like three hundred and twenty million people in this country? You are not going to have him say, okay, now all of you.

Need to do away with racism. Yeah, but maybe not saying that the rapist and murderer I said's going to have.

But to have someone completely act like America isn't racist at all, I think that's just as bad as being racist.

You have all these things which are going about nowadays. I mean, things are getting out of control at this particular.

Point in time.

I mean, I don't care what people's feelings at this point.

That's clear. Yeah, I just want the job done, and the job done right.

Well, it's amazing to imagine a world with an Indian American president. I'm also not high enough to believe it'll happen this time, which is why I wanted.

To know who the group preferred. Trump or Biden.

We've got two bidens and the rest are Trump's interesting to me.

It's almost like, you know, the old and very disruptive, unfiltered guy that you know is gonna make things getting horrible, or the old grandpa that kind of needs an app to often like it's like like neither of them are the greatest.

You know.

The one thing with Biden, he's not a strong leader. You know, he should just stayed on the beach. He should never left that beach. What I keep seeing him in this video on YouTube where he's like pulling this chair like an old man on a beach, you know, and he's trying to sit down, and I just it's ridiculous.

I mean, like, what are you doing? Why do you keep watching this this drug worn huff.

So because one candidate can't handle a beach chair, we're going to elect another one who wants to put himself on a throne. Trump would have won if we were deciding the election. He's also been really vocal in ways that seem to threaten the nature of democracy, right, are any of those things are concern.

There's no way which is going to bring about a dictatorship in this country based on a constitution. It's just not going to happen. He might say it, and it's not.

Mentioned that matter, so he's not going to do he said.

What I'm saying is that he said he's going to be dictator on date for one day.

Well, like, if you're a dictator, like for one day, don't you just like make yourself the dictator for the second day.

Too, interim dictator? I mean, I would.

Indian Americans really are part of our democracy in every way. We hold diverse views, were passionate about our candidates, and look, we all have a crazy YouTube uncle who dominates the conversation.

God bless America and please vote.

Hey when we come back, Beards, you'll be joining me on the show.

Don't Go Away. Welcome back to the Daily Show. My guest tonight is a comedian and actor.

He just won an International Emmy for his Netflix stand up special Landing.

Please welcome.

Vi're the.

Man.

You clearly have some fancer h congrats on the International Emmy.

Thank you. I yeah it is uh, it is on sale.

If anyone.

What was I like?

Uh? It was real, you know to what two things?

Number one, it was just kind of nice to have that many people listen to an Indian story from across the world.

So that was very nice. It was an honor.

And then the first thought was, how the hell do I get this through JFK.

Because it is very sharp and you.

Can you can murder someone with an international enemy, which doesn't happen at the after party. It's just uh, and I'm typically used to being like very nervous at GfK anyway, Sure, so I just and when you have that statue with like the late it's like I've metaphorically kidnapped a white lady. So so the guy was just like, what's in the bag And I was like, it's an international Emmy. And the guy at TSA was like, oh, word, and I was like, okay, precipitation because that's a word.

I'm kidding. That didn't happen before the New Yorker fact checks me.

Yeah, it's a daily show, nobody's gonna fact Yeah.

It's fine, right, yeah, it's so.

Look, this win was special, I assume because based on your stand up specially you thought at a point that your career was was over. You were called a terrorist, there were criminal charges that were filed against you for the twenty twenty one poem to India's that was like a gripping reflective account of political and social complexity in India.

I have to be honest.

When I saw both of those, both the poem and the special, my only reaction was this is a brother who loves his country and just wants to make it better through conversation and through art. But not everybody had that reaction. So talk me through sort of that process.

Of what happened well.

I mean the central theme of the special I think is that that love is never yelled, love is felt, and that includes love for your country, where it's never sort of a loud proclamation, it's kind of a quiet demonstration. And I don't think there's a better demonstration of love than laughter. And I think that you know, you know, if you love someone, you want to make them laugh, and if they love you, they laugh back. And that

Is the Internet right now.

I think she's both a wife and WiFi and I didn't have any of those options, So you kind of fall in love with your job all over again. I was like, Okay, I will never lionize myself. I will never victimize myself or take feedback head down. And the first thing I do will will be I'll write a joke about it that hopefully makes both sides laugh. And

Do you know how badly you have to fuck up before the British say? I said, do you know badly up before the British say that? You divided in there.

But what happens then, The point I'm making is a bad day in your life turns into laughter. And I think happiness blooms when it's watched, and so you get to watch people be happy because of that, and then that turns into a gold statue someday and you kind of you're kind of reminded that comedy, this job on its best day, can sometimes be alchemy.

And it's kind of nice.

That's awesome, it's very well said. The little British thing reminded me.

You know, my grandparents were secular freedom fighters, and so those were the stories that we heard growing up as kids and that obviously influenced me later in life. Recently, Prime Minister Mode was hosted by President Biden, and during that visit a lot of artists in the South Asian American space. We're having conversations about our counterparts in India and free speech, free speech and comedy, artistic expression. And I'm curious how you've managed to kind of navigate that space.

Well.

Look, I mean on one day our Prime Minister at dinner with Biden and the next day Trevor Noah at dinner.

With Dua Lipa, and I wasn't invited to either of those events.

So I do think if you get to travel the world as much as I do, you start to think of freedom of speech, which is the big conversation around the world, less locally.

And more emotionally.

And I think right now it's you know, whether you're in the Middle East, whether you're in India, whether you're in the West, the conversation is freedom of speech. And I think it's yes, curtailed by authorities at different levels in different places, but more curtailed by the people around you. You know, we live in this world where you see somebody as just a box and you could you try and control their speech as well for their ideas. And so sometimes we blame it on these larger things above us,

Which guy just it's it's New York, so the compartment. Yeah, but you and I can't do anything about the guy with his dickout.

I'm just talking to see if you see it too. Yeah, And I think that's what freedom of speech is. I just need to know that you also see the dick.

I just I have to give you so much props for this, because this could have gone in two different directions. This could have this could have ended up with like the New York Times, Bombay Times. There's times about all of them just writing about some serious political conversation. And instead it's like cal Penn and Vidas are on a train with a dude whose dick is out, and that's yeah, thank you.

Thank you really, just Elma, I forgive you flowers, though, Can I take a second to give you flowers if that's okay?

Yes, okay. So the reason that.

Many brown men like myself come to America to try and act is because we saw you be the first Indian brown man be edgy and cool and funny in American Son.

So yeah, thank you.

So I would like to thank you for ruining so many lives because I came to college in America because I saw Van Wild And then I went to college in Gailsburg, Illinois, and I'm like, what is this college where people sleep with.

The Indian guys? Calpen is a liar.

And just by the way, I think you know this, statistically, this is the sexiest accident.

In the world.

All right.

I'm just said, all right.

At this given moment, more women are having sex with this accent than any other accent. All right, So in your face, France. And also you then do Harold and Kumar where you go and get cheeseburgers and at the night, at the end of the night, you make up with your parents. Do you know what would happen if I told my parents I spent the whole night looking for beef. Harold would go to white Castle, Kumar would have an arranged marriage the next week. So but Flowers, Well, thanks brother.

Thank you.

And I have to say that, you know, there were many very talented actors who came before me, who didn't have the same opportunities I did, who also went to drama school, who also worked their butts off, And so I appreciate those those accolades, and I share it with them, you know, before we let you go. I also I want to know about your tour. It's a thirty three country tour. It is a I want to know where

Do you have to curate it for each audience?

No?

I think now it's kind of because of netflixes and amazons and youtubes, it's become more important to kind of be authentically Indian. Dave Chappelle gets to take you to Ohio. I don't know a damn thing about Ohio, but I go on that journey with him. Why can't I take you to Mumbai? Why can't I take you to Delhi? And if you've never been, come over and at the end of the night, whether you're Indian or not, you'll be Indian, you know.

So come to my show.

I I'm going to be playing Carnegie Hall.

I think I'll be the first Indian comic to.

Do it, all right, Yeah, congrats, And we're doing the Kennedy Center and the Chicago Theater and a bunch of theaters in January.

I'm looking forward to it. It's it's large, you know.

Congrats.

I can't I can't wait to can't in to check out the tour. You're you're developing a comedy with my buddy Andy Samberg.

Yes, you tell us about it.

I can, Okay. I wanted to be in a TV show.

There was a modern immigration story, but I wanted it because immigrants will always come over and do sensible stuff in America, right, And why take a twenty nine hour flight if you're gonna do something sensible when you land. So I wanted to make the show where Americans and Indians sit on a sofa and watch together, but Indians get to come over and be outrageous and ludicrous and

Yes, yes, I'm a huge country music fan, so that makes me very excited. On your shows, you always end asking people in your audience, what's the one thing you want to say to the world.

Yeah, why do you do that? I just think it's so interesting.

I have I think, one of the smartest crowds in comedy, and I say that to get their money.

I just do.

I think a lot of comedy these days becomes about look at me, and look at my jokes, and look at my my pathoss and my ethos. But you know, the audiences and equally loud voices you do, and I think there's no better teacher than their laughter and their silence. So sometimes I just like to put the camera on them and say, look at who I have the privilege of performing for. And some of it is great, and

Sometimes that's the only reason I do it.

Do you uh do you still tour with Jihu Beach sand.

I okay, so in the special I have some Indian soil. Look, I'm I'm a brown man with a beard, so traveling with a bag full of dust internationally it doesn't work out well for me anally, but I uh uh, I try to look like my shows are like this big reunion. You know, if you're not from India, you get integrated in to India. If you're Indian, you sometimes haven't been in a room full of Indians in a really long time. Do you know how many people hook up at my shows?

Like this is the best looking at ever?

Right, yeah, listen, unlike Seema auntie with a jawline. All right, That's that's who I am, all right, Like I have couples that are formed at my shows. So it's this big India celebration.

It's kind of cool.

Man, that's that's awesome. Thank you so much for coming here.

Will be performer.

It's my foe for to Carnegie Hall on January nineteenth, with more stops in the US and January and February.

Beards everyone. We're gonna take a quick track, but we'll be back after this. D Thank you so much.

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