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February fourteenth has long been a special day for people who aren't drowning in a sea of loneliness, But have we forgotten its true meaning?
Nate Cordrey investigates.
February fourteenth the day when we paused to remember the martyrdom of Saint Valentine. As everyone knows, he married couples in defiance of the Emperor Claudius the Second. For that he was brutally beheaded. But what was once a sacred holiday has been turned into a secular orgy. That's right, there's a war on Saint Valentine's Day.
Chocolate thongs for women, This is for the guys.
And those are very beautiful Valentine's Day sweaters.
Hello, a little Linda Rigg.
It's a far cry from the Saint Valentine TV specials we remember from our youth.
This represents the still beating heart ripped from Saint Valentine's chest.
Let us up on his chocolatey love for the Lord.
And how are profit hungry retailers cashing in? I would undercover for some reason to find out In just eighteen short centuries, We've gone from honoring the bloody decapitation of religious martyr to dogs and boxer shorts and innocent balloons turned into wanton displays of sexual perversion. Do you have a Saint Valentine's Day section?
Saint Valentine's way? We have Valentine's Day cards.
You know, Saint Valentine's Day cards.
Not specifically for Saint Valentine's Now.
Yet another example of the war on Saint Valentine's Day. Bastions of the Ivory Tower media elite like Harlequin Publishing would have you believed that it's all harmless fun. I've been out to the shops to see how people want us to celebrate Valentine's Day.
How to explain these.
I don't think I have to explain them.
It keeps your juices flying.
All you people think about his sex?
What about Saint Valentine?
Huh?
What about him?
And I'm not an expert on that now I am a romance expert.
Isn't romance expert? As a fancy way of saying slut No, haven't seen enough? You won't believe what's going on in our schools. Heathen craft projects, pagan decorations. Someone had to put the saint back in Saint Valentine's Day. Now, I'm gonna starve you.
What wait, what do you mean, I'm gonna strike down the wrath on you, buddy.
I'm gonna kick your butt with my sword.
No, no, please, don't.
I'm just trying to follow God's love. You went against me, and I'm gonna cut your head off with this sword.
Right how.
It was a lesson they'd never forget, and the school encouraged me to spread my message elsewhere. So remember keeping Valentine's Day saintly begins with you. First, instead of giving flowers, sit quietly and reflect on the sacrifice of Saint Valentine. Second, don't take your loved one to a fancy dinner. Fast and reflect on Saint Valentine's martyrdom.
Third, cards are.
Fine as long as you use them to paper cut your neck Saint Valentine's style. If we follow these simple steps, maybe one day the great Saint Valentine will be honored with the same reverence in respect of his brother Saint Patrick.
On a lighter note, today is Valentine's Day, and for more on love, that most mysterious of human emotions. We turn to our resident expert, John Hodgman.
John, thank you so much for John much.
Let me put this.
Through if I can.
What is love?
Well, that's really the wrong question, John. If you've ever been in love, you know it has a different meaning every day. Some have argued it's always special. Others, by contrast, contend it's gripping stuff. A sizeable minority even claims it's a quasi mental illness prompting the bizarre sexualization of genital free infants in a daily cartoon string.
No, John, the question isn't what is love? But why is love?
What does that mean?
Well, sexual attraction serves a clear evolutionary purpose. It's a primal urge that helps propagate the species feel it in this very worom. For instance, as I speak, my air of danger, coupled with my otherworldly machismo is prompting the release of hormones in both the live and television audiences.
But that's not love, it's lust. I get that a lot, all right, So.
Why is love?
Well, that's really the wrong question, John.
You're the one who said that that was.
The problem is there are so many different kinds of love. The ancient Greeks had almost as many different words for love as they did for pederasty.
There was erols, passionate.
Love, philia, familiar love, ariyapi, sacrificial love, and me the love of appetizers like stuffed grape leaves.
Stuffed grape believes, I have to admit, are delicious.
Well, if you love them so much, why don't you marry them?
Why would I marry?
Uh?
No, of course you and marry a grape leaf. That's my point.
You love grape leaves, but you're not in love with them.
So you're saying love is what a social construct or, an idea without any physical basis.
Well, yes, that's been my entire premise, thank you, and it would have been successful too if it weren't for one thing.
The floor is yours.
The prairie rowl, the prairie val I don't think that, I, uh.
John, The prairie bwal is an unusual species of rodent. Come mating season, they find a partner with whom to breed, but afterward they remain with that partner and continue to copulate exclusively with them. This, as you've probably already guessed, is where we get the term to like a prairie vol.
I have never heard that phrase.
God it means to have slow, tender sex with a loving, monogamous partner while burrowed underneath the ground.
I thought you were from New Jersey. I thought you would.
Studies show that prairie rools experience the same surge and oxytocin that happily married humans do. Meaning love is an empirically observable chemical reaction.
Meaning if so facto love is.
Real, Oh maybe, but really it means that love can be sold in a pill or time release capsule form.
Noat now, that seems incredibly dystopic.
I agree.
I suppose we're romantics, you and I. We prefer our love the old fashioned way and an easy to inhale aerosol spray, so that on a day like today we can wistfully turn to our loved ones and coup darling let's like prairie bowls.
Thank you very much.
Happy Valentine's Day, John Hodgen.
We'll be right back.
If a new story falls through the cracks, Lewis Black catches it for a segment we call back in Black.
It'x February the most depressing month of the year, which means it's time for Valentine's Day, the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.
And if you haven't got the money or.
The energy for the holiday of love, feast your eyes on this free computerized pre made Valentine's cards that you can email to all of your girlfriends. And look, there's even one for Monica. Speaking of which, how about a Monica's cigar? And you know these Monica specials are authentic because as you can see, they're sitting on the don juans. They're making these little honeys in the Philippines and they're selling twenty thousand a month.
This is good, so I can give it to all my friends. And just why would you want want to do that? Oh, it's just like when you when you smoke this, it's just like reminding you that you're in the Oval office.
Let me tell you, pal, only if it's too soggy to light. If a romance isn't dead. So many great romantic couples are Romeo and Juliet Tristan and he's older Dody and Diana, Speaking of which, George Benson has sold his soul to Dody's daddy, Mohammad al Fayed and written this romantic little diddy.
For the late love birds, And is it ever good? Dudey dody, dudey doudeyde uh man.
I just can't get that haunting my head.
John, thank you, Lewis flat. How was that sort it was black?
Let me right back after this, take us out with a song.
Yes, my friends, it is Valentine's Day and if today is about anything, it's about pleasing your loved ones. And let's face it, no one does that quite as well or as often as a veteran porn star. And that's why a rabbi in southern California has hired former porn actress Nina Hartley to teach an adult education sex seminar for his congregants at.
Temple Beth Ami.
By the way, the keyword on that sign reform.
The Rabbi Mark Blazer, prisingly that is not his porn name, that's his rabbinical name, explains why he couldn't lead his congregants to the Promised Land.
The idea was actually congregants who wanted to expand what we had already done as part of our dull education lectures on the topic of sexuality. And so they said, can we get somebody else to come in, because, quite frankly, I had thought everything I knew about sexuality, which is compared to Nina fairly limited.
Rabbi Blazer was then given the coveted understatement of the Year award Rabbi porn Star. So why Nina Hartley at a synagogue? Well, for one, she's Jewish, she does have eighteen years of lecturing experience to go along with her religious background. Not to mention she gives great kepi.
I have information people don't all have access to. I've had more sex most people are going to ever have, and if you can learn from me, I'm very grateful for it.
Yes, and my name is Shlomo.
I'm a twenty five year old Talmudic scholar.
My question is this, miss Hartley?
Is it permissible?
And did you take law for me to be masturbating right now?
What makes mom and dad happy is good for the family. And one of the things that is given to us from whichever source you say, is the delight in sexual union with your partner. It's a very important thing. Yeah.
Partly stresses to Jewish congregants that sex is indeed an important part of family life, and she even gives tips on how to enjoy edible underwear. The great part is whatever underwear you donate, you can wrap up in tinfoil and keep for later.
In Technology news, if you got dumped this year because your ex said you didn't communicates enough, it might not have been your faults.
If you received a mysterious text message this week from someone unexpected, you were not alone. This happened to a lot of people yesterday. They reported they received messages that appear to have originally been sent on or around Valentine's Day this year. One person tweeted, so, at two point thirty this morning, my phone decided to send a text to my ex girlfriend from nine months ago.
She made this really sweet video of us for Valentine's Day.
She thought I didn't respond, so that led to, among other things, a ruined holiday.
So you know that's how today it's going.
Man, this story is crazy.
Apparently a bunch of text messages sent on Valentine's Day only got to people's phones. Now, yeah, it's a huge glitch that affected thousands of people. Nobody knew about it, and now it's in the news. And I bet a lot of guys are using this as an excuse, like, oh wait, wait, you didn't get that giant bouquet and that diamond necklace that I texted you.
Oh my god, AG and G man A and G.
But yeah, a bunch of Valentine's sext didn't go through and it sucks.
But I'm gonna be honest, if your relationship ended over a missed text, maybe that was the best.
You dodged the bullets.
Because I don't care what anybody says. Texting is supposed to be casual. It's not about an immediate response. That's why this isn't a problem for old people. They still send love letters in the mail. You're gonna be like, dearest Gertrude, I can't wait to tap that tight brand muffin of yours.
Respectfully, Harold.
The craziest part of the story, and this is completely true. The craziest part of the story is that some people got text messages from people who have since died. Yeah, that has got to be the most awkward booty call ever.
Can you imagine phonus like you up? You're like, are you up?
It's Valentine's Day, otherwise known as the Saddest They of the year to go on porn hobb Some people think this days about love, but really it's about arguing with strangers on the street. Prove me wrong Valentine's Day. Addition, yes, Valentine's Day is the worst day of the proved me wrong. No, I mean it's rush hour for love. We have all this pressure from society and take people out and if you can't get it done, guess what Everyone is upset.
In Puerto Rico, which means friendship Day.
Well, you're doing friendship Day.
You give your friends like candy flowers.
You get into a fight with your partner over what restaurant booking you could not get. No, Well, then that's not Valentine's Day.
You don't have to participate.
You can just enjoy the pretty colors.
Or really, you don't feel the pressure of society weighing on you on February fourteenth.
Love doesn't have to be romantic. I have all my family and friends on mem Oh.
Yeah, I'm sure all your platonic guy friends really love hang out with you.
Valentine's Day is a day to sell the great love.
So they are a few hundred and sixty four days they can go for themselves.
What other day, do you wake up and just think about love first?
Well, if you're a good person, every day it's.
An excuse to get up pretty much if you're single. Some people use it to have a baby. Some people use it.
So Valentine's Day is an excuse the fuck Joe not not me?
Yeah, you know I do me.
But for people that not getting asked, you know, dudes that don't get no buns. I live on the West Coast now, I live in California. Yeah, you know, females are a little bit more happier, you know, because they enjoy you know, sexual activities in their bedroom. You know, they're not having intercourse in a call on the side.
Of the street in the train station.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about this when you was talking about the Valentine's daying about dudes putting in the pain.
Okay, So is valentas said, the worst day of the Ye're not no, it's not. Chocolate is the worst candidate. Prove me wrong. Chocolate's delicious, pure chocolate, pure cocoa tastes like shit. Why are you so angry at chocolate because it's overrated? Like, if you really love me, get me something that lasts like your HBO password.
Sharing the HBO password is a sign of true love and the sign of commitment.
Yeah, it means I'm gonna let this put some my algorithms.
What you see walking around, that's chocolate right there. I'm chocolate. She chocolate. You see all the chocolate, you see all this.
Don't make this racial.
Not not.
I'm not making it racial. I'm not making it. Rachel, you're right.
You're right.
You're right, You're right. We use our skin complexion as destical.
Okay, why do you like chocolate the candy?
Me?
Yes, uh preferencely, I like gummies.
I'd rather sex should be a morning thing, never a night thing. Prove me wrong.
I'm gonna have to group because for me, morning sex is the best.
I'm with you.
You got energy, Listen, people like to go to the gym in the mornings. Give me dick, and I am up, I am, I am, I am motivated to start my day like never.
At night ever.
Ever, So when you have sex and then you go to bed, it's like a really nice Listen.
There's something called circadian rhythm, circadian rhythm whatever, it's the rhythm you have as a human.
Okay, that's how it looks when it happens. Yeah, just like that's pretty aggressive.
Yeah.
There the morning activity.
That's like alligators eat.
This is what you're doing in the morning. This is like coffee. This is nature's coffee.
Right.
That looks exhausting?
How is that coffee?
Single people should not be allowed out of their homes on Valentine's Day? Proved me wrong.
I agree.
All the single people beside pieces sneaky links and you know they're gonna put up the day.
I agree with this. Let the couples go out.
I think you are better at this than I am, So maybe you should sit here and take my job.
Please, Okay.
Single people should not be allowed of their homes on Valentine's.
They prove me wrong.
It kind of feels like gatekeeping, like you have to go out.
Single people need to go out.
They're the ones who need to be out. The couple should stay home.
The single people need to be the ones getting drunk.
That's the dumbest you ever heard my life.
How is that done?
But Valentine's Day is not for single losers.
It's not losers.
Valentine's Days of Day by society.
Who couldn't find someone on the most desperate day of the year, going to love you? How much user are you?
They should be allowed out because they make it fun.
Someone's passing on the street in Brooklyn for the surprise. If you're single Valentine's Day, the government should send you money. Prove me wrong.
Single people they have to take care of just themselves.
Yeah, but it's a Valentine's Day thing. People are sad on Valentine's They just send them some money.
Money doesn't make you happy?
Oh?
Really? No? If I gave you twenty bucks right now, would you be happy? No? Yeah, well I'll do fifty. If you feed youbucks, we'd be happy. Ah, I got you.
I gota.
There's discounts for married people, there's discounts for family. What a single people get?
Yeah?
Give us some money exactly, some tax breaks at least what the ones who need it? What a desperate sad people who need that money? I want? Are you going out with someone on Valentine's Day?
Maybe?
Do you really want this?
My nails?
I want it.
It's a fun day, all right, Fine, I'll prove to you it's the worst day. Come on a date with me on Valentine's Day. I'll show you. It's the worst day of the year.
Sorry, man, I can. I don't want to go on Valentine's Day with you. I want to go on Valentine's Day with Trevor. Noah, Trevor, if you're watching this, I want to let you know I love you. I enjoyed your show My Asking Square Garden a couple of weeks ago. You were hilarious and I know you like Indian food.
Come to Brooklyn.
I will take you out to a nice Indian restaurant and show you around Brooklyn.
I love you.
Valentine'sday is the one step of the year. Okay, you guys know what today is, right.
It's Valentine's Day. Ah.
It's the one day you can dress up as a baby and shoot people with a bow and arrow and get away with it. And it's really nice to have a day where we just we get to show that special someone that we care, isn't it, you know? And to the men out there, that's all you really need to do, all right, because not everyone can afford flowers or chocolates or a private Kenny g concert like Kanye West.
No, Valentine's Day is.
Just about sharing what's in your heart, all right, letting your girl know that you love her. Now, ladies, if he doesn't have flowers or a bear or something, you need to cut him loose because clearly he does not respect.
You for the queen that you are.
I mean, he had all year to save up, and NIC's.
Trying to say he can't afford a box of chocolates that's five ninety nine at Walgreens.
He can't say five ninety nine. That's two turnstile jumps.
That's all that is.
If you're mad, won't jump two turnstars for you? You need to cut.
And finally, today is Valentine's Day, the day when flowers find out which house they're going to die in. Seriously, why do we give people roses? They are already dying the second you cut them. You're basically giving someone a hospice patient. Love them well, you can just try to keep them hydrated and make sure they're as comfortable as possible. But there is a Valentine's surprise that's even worse than roses. Stealing people's money.
What is Valentine's Day? Law enforcement reminding you to keep an eye out for what they call romance scams. Official say criminals will scour dating websites, dating apps, chat rooms build the relationship with you with the goal of accessing your financial or other personal information.
The FTC says romance scams cost nearly seventy thousand consumers one point three billion dollars last year.
The FBI sees a large percentage of elderly victims. Let's talk red flags.
This one might hurt.
But if they're too good to be true.
Gorgeous photos, perfect job, amazing lifestyle make a scammer's job of luring you easier. If they seem sweet, genuine, caring, talking about a future together a little more quickly than typical relationships. That could be drawing you close to take advantage of you.
That's right.
You got to be careful out there. If anyone literally ever says anything nice to you, call the police. And she said, another red flag is if the person has an amazing lifestyle, a perfect job, gorgeous photos. Oh my god, am I a scammer?
Well?
For more on these romance scams, we turned to Michael Costa. Michael, it's it's so sad to hear about this, especially on Valentine's Day.
I know, Sarah, but every holiday is an opportunity for scams. Last President's Day, a guy on Facebook claimed he was Abraham Lincoln and asked me for money, which was clearly a scam because I had already just wired the real Abraham Lincoln ten thousand dollars. There's only one Lincoln, buddy. How stupid do.
You think I am?
You're very smart, Michael. Well, let's focus on the romantic scams because I'm especially worried about how they target the elderly.
Yeah, the elderly are easy targets because they're so vulnerable and they're so horny. Honestly, I'm scared for my own loved ones. That's why I've started catfishing my grandmother.
You're catfishing your own grandmother.
As a preventative measure.
Yes, The best way I could protect my ninety seven year old grandmother from being scammed is to scam her mind myself. This way, she feels loved, and I put all the money she sends me right back into her bank account. It's the same way I stop dogs from eating discarded chicken bones laying on the street by eating them myself.
I'm sure the dogs are grateful, But how does catfishing your grandmother even work.
Take me through this, Okay, Well, it works the same as normal catfishing. You create a profile of a charming but believable person, in my case Miguel Gustavo, international art dealer and King of Brazil. First you like their posts, then you start the DMS. Hey, I like what I see. Show me what you got under that sweater you knitted for yourself. Here's what I'm packing, h Rose.
You send your grandma newds.
Well, not my nudes.
Obviously, I'm not a creep. I send her picks of guys I find online.
Good few.
I thought you exchanged nudes.
Oh no, I mean she sends me her nudes. God, look, I know it's gross. I don't like it either. I am glad she's using the yoga classes. I got it for Christmas.
But still I don't want to see it, just like I don't want to spend hours texting with her about our grandson never calls, or have her explain every episode of the Yellowstone.
It's just Yellowstone, Grandma. I don't have a choice, Sarah.
Okay, As Michael Costa, I can't keep my grandma offline.
But as Miguel Glestavo, well, I can make sure.
Her money stays where it belongs in the bank account that I'm going to inherit one day.
Guess in its own way, this is actually a like a loving thing, Michael. I hope all the men out there love their grandmas enough to seduce them.
Thank you, Sarah, I really am the best grants. Sorry, I got my grandma's dming me.
Me and more.
Please send five thousand dollars. I'm having my third kidney removed.
Hell, thank you so much, Michael.
Suys.
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