TDS Time Machine | Vacation Getaways

You're listening to comedy Central, Texas.

Where half a million residents were still without power today and more than two hundred thousand were without clean water because treatment plants are failing and pipes are bursting. Texans have been lighting up for clean water from public spigots, boiling their own, or even trying to melt snow. Yeah, melting snow for clean water. I mean, you know that the infrastructure is screwed when your best option for water

Senator Ted Kruz he is now facing a whole lot of questions after he was spotted on a plane traveling to Cancun, Mexico, in the midst of this unfolding crisis in his home state of Texas.

If you go on social media, you will see social media uses posting multiple pictures of the senator and his family in the Houston airport waiting to board their flight. Ted Cruse, No, man, you gotta be shitting me, dude. Your people are literally eating snow right now and you're jetting off to Cankoon. I'm not even mad that you were selfish. I'm mad that you were so stupid. How can you be in politics for ten years and still have no idea how bad this would make you? Look what were you thinking?

I know my people are freezing and hungry right now, so what they need is a photo of my beach Bard because if they see me in a speedo, their eyes will burst into flames and the whole family can warm their hands over those flames.

I mean, look, I get that Ted Cruise is tired. You know, the man deserves a break off to trying so hard to overthrow the government.

But this is not the time.

Ted, When your constituents said they need clean water, they didn't mean go find a wet T shirt contest in Cancoon. I mean seeing Ted Cruz skip town for the beach has been very frustrating for the people in Texas. But on the other hand, it has been really exciting for all the people in can Kuhn who got to meet him on the street. Wow, bro, I didn't know that Senor Frog was a real guy. That was awesome. And

Right now at update on the reports that Texas Senator Ted Cruse took a trip to can Kun as the state was dealing with massive power outages, something that had many of you upset online. The statement from Cruise saying, in part with school canceled for the week, our girls asked to take a trip with friends. Wanting to be a good dad, I flew down with them last night and am flying back this afternoon.

Oh I see, we all got this thing wrong. Ted Cruz wasn't going on vacation, people, he was just chaperoning his girls on the flight to can Kun. So in some way this was like a reverse taken. I want you to know that I'm a man with absolutely no skills whatsoever, and I'm going to safely accompany my daughters on this trip. Seriously, Ted Cruz blaming his daughters for this is just gross. Being a good father means putting them on a bus, not throwing them under one lot.

Need to get away from it all, but only for like four hours. Then come to can Kun, the perfect vacation spot for your half day get away. Grab a taxi from the airport for the whole family, then grab a moped for when you have to speedback to the

Let's talk about spring break. It's when college students go on vacation and get drunk, you know, to take a break from going to school and getting drunk. But now one of the most popular spring break destinations is feeling a little hungover.

It's spring break in Miami Beach, where the party goes all night long, but Mayhem is putting a blackmesh on this year's festivities.

This all out.

Melee unfamed Ocean Drive, one of several brawls across Miami Beach in the day since spring break kicked off. Even the roads to the beach, overcome by bad behavior, these cars inching close enough for one driver to pour a drink for the passenger in the other vehicle.

Okay, no, no, no, no no. I love a good party, but that is just wrong, all right? Also, what kind of people fight at the beach? Like the it's the most relaxing place on earth. Yeah, even when I try to start a fight on the beach, it ends up being fun. Like one time, right, there's some gown the beach and I bumped into him and then he was like what the heuse a splash water on him, Then he splashed water on me, and then I threw a

It's a.

Meet cutes.

But it turns out Miami really does have a beach violence problem, and luckily their police are on top of it.

Miami Beach policee bringing the beads to the beach. They're literally joining the party, refurbishing an old Miami Beach lifeguard tower and turning it into DJ Central with a Miami Beach Police officer as DJ police, Hoping this party friendly approach will help make the crowds more mindful and keep things under control.

Things were going relatively smoothly as cop DJ Christopher Mitchell gave out warnings while also working his turntables for the beach crowd.

He gave out warnings through all DJing.

Who's having a good time? Too much?

Good time?

What do you.

Like?

Police?

DJs has to be the worst emotional roller coaster because every use in the world, when the cops show up, it's like a parties over by our manor It's like, dude, dude, the cops are here, party time. Every song is like this pour you know what you think about it? Police actually being DJs makes the most sense because cops are already the DJs of the road, right think about it. They just drive around with flashing lights, they wear reflective gear, giving out commands on the mic. Put your hands in

Said, drop the bat, drop the bat.

Weird. Now we laugh at this, but the poor citizens of Miami are so upset, so upset that they held an emergency meeting on how to handle the chaos. And I know that they're being serious here, but it's kind of hard not to laugh even more.

I think what we need to do is we may need to make it a lot less fun to be here.

Unfortun people are smoking pot. You smell it up and down the street.

There's motorcycles.

There's half naked and fully naked women running around the streets.

You know, I know they're all complaining, but it sounds like they're advertising how fun Miami is.

Everywhere I look, there's motorcycles and naked women and the cocaine. Here is the good shit.

It's so wild.

When I moved here a week ago, I was twenty years old.

But look, yes, if Miami wants to reduce spring break tourism, it's easy. They don't even have to lie. They just need to pick different things to emphasize about their city. So he had the Daily Show. We decided to help them by making them new tourism.

Add Hey, kids think Iami Beach is all about fun and partying, Well, there's a whole other side of Miami you haven't seen, like mosquitoes, sunburn, jellyfish, and so many douchebags in ed hardy. You wish those jellyfishes on your eyes. Miami is in the center of it all, including climate change. So bring an umbrella. You want to see skin.

We've got hotties.

Ever see you guy's balls dip below his bathing suit. You will hear Miami Beach. You'll have more fun at home.

It's Memorial Day weekend, which means summer is just about here, the time of year when my armpits begin to resemble that swamp planet where Yoda lives and people set off for fabulous vacations. But if you've got travel plans coming up, it's important to remember a few simple tips, which I'll give you in my brand new advice segment. Now that I think about that title, it's perfect. So let's talk about some of the mistakes people make on vacation and

Tonight, new video of two men damaging ancient rock formations here in the West.

Two men seen damaging ancient rock formations in Nevada is Lake Meet National Recreation Area outside Las Vegas. The vandals not once but twice, knocking massive redstone boulders off a cliff last week at the popular Redstone Dunes trail. A young girl standing behind them screams out as the rocks come toppling down.

Amazing the first time. These guys work out in their lives, and they do it by pushing over a million year old boulders. Hey, should we get a bowflex? No, let's just cup nature.

You know.

Someone should go find these vandals, and it shouldn't be too hard. Just look for the guy whose daughter has a blurry face. There can't be too many of those. So here's just the tip. Next time you're in the desert, ask yourself, would Wiley E Coyote do this? Then do the opposite. Now, maybe you're thinking this doesn't apply to me. I'm more of a lie on the beach kind of gal. Well, guess what. There are plenty of ways you can mess things up too, like what happened to this lady.

First up, don't be a fool and never mess with a raging bull. Shocking video shows a woman on a Mexican beach refusing to get away from the beast and pain a price.

You're not doing a.

Yeah, they tell you? Did you think let me speak to the manager? Would work on a giant bawl. They are the manager. But that's my toe bag. I have a bag of warm grapes in there, lady. Those are his warm grapes. Now just walk away, you know, and then for dinner you can have carne asada for revenge. So here's just the tip. Next time you go to the beach, pack a matador. Now here's a story. It reminds you that smart traveling begins when you're packing your suitcase.

There's a flea for leniency this morning in the Turks and Caicos, another American tourist has been detained after security officials found live ammunition and their luggage. That's illegal in the Caribbean territory and carries a mandatory sentence of twelve years in prison. Right now, five Americans face those charges. None were carrying firearms, and all claim they didn't even know the bullets were there.

Five people and none of them knew they had live ammunition and their suitcases. This is how gun crazy some Americans are. You know, some people going through their luggage find old hotel keys or sand from that beach trip. These guys are like, oh good, my spare bullets. But this one isn't entirely on the tourists. Okay, Turks and Caicos, I get think you're worried about rising gun violence on your island. But I don't think it's coming from Americans

Please? No?

All right, let me talk to Keikos. But as it turns out, someone else is already on the case.

Tonight, several members of Congress pleading for leniency for the five Americans facing twelve years behind bars in Turks and Caicos. A bypart is delegation of lawmakers going to the territory meeting with government officials urging light sentences instead.

Wow.

Nothing motivates bipartisanship like a free trip to Turks and Keiko. So here's just the tip. Okay, if you're gonna do something idiotic that gets you arrested, make sure it's on an island paradise your elected officials want to fly to. Yes, you'll still be in prison, but at least you can look through your bars at the congressman holding a surfboard waving, Hey, we're doing everything we can. Now watch me rip this double barrel flip side.

You know, I don't you like to travel?

You love tray in the forms vacation for perform.

Oh that's a good question. Where would I like to travel for vacation or to perform? So I think one of the things I'm most excited about is being able to like It's like it was like a work vacation type thing that I always used to do. I was lucky enough to travel the world and I would I would almost find a little home in a place, and I would learn the culture. I would learn about the food,

You need time.

In India, it was like, okay, I'll take time. Like how much time? They're like, how much time do you have? Like are we negotiating right now?

What's happening?

So yeah, I'm excited. I'm excited for that. It's just every everywhere. Do you have any suggestions? I said, Vietnam, you can't suggest the place that I'm going to. You said it enthusiastically, like I didn't say it.

You're like Vietnam.

I didn't say Vietnam.

We're on the same page, but it seems like we're not.

And Eastern Eastern Island. I was in Eastern Ireland. I was like, no one's ever said it like that.

It's like Eastern Ireland.

Ah, yes, Trevor of Heartsive Ireland, nobody's ever been to before, A special power that nobody's ever been to.

Okay, Easter Island, all right, all right, I'm gonna check it out. I will and Ireland. I'm gonna go back to Ireland. This is too much fun. The world is like you know, if you can't travel, travel, That's that's the way I see it. And I've you know, I was locked up like many of you were. We owe and then you know, now see, you see what's.

Out there in the world.

You know, get out on the bout and you know, taste the food and you know that experience tasting a new thing, being like, ah, this is disgusting, but I love the experience. I love the experience. That's my favorite thing about eating new food is realizing how much your tastes are conditioned in life. Everything you think you know as good or bad is or isn't just based on what you were taught, but you don't actually know. Do

In the morning, who could eat fish in the morning?

You people are crazy.

Please crack open the child of a chicken for me so I can't begin my morning?

Would you be so kind? So you people are weird?

So yeah, I'm excited to do all of it.

I I'm Michael Costa.

Before the coronavirus, I had convinced Trevor to allow me to host a travel show through the Italian wine region.

It was the.

Perfect scene to allow me to go balls deep into a.

Sea of merlo.

But then we all lent to shit.

So now I'm start taking you on a journey through my apartment.

Welcome to the street.

Apartment alarm Coat seventy nine, seventy eight.

Come on. My apartment is a beautiful land of two bedrooms and one bathroom. World renowned for its natural light, its high ceilings, and its access to nearby parks, which I can no longer visit. It was colonized in twenty seventeen after I was evicted from my previous homeland for, according to my parents, being thirty six. But despite their agism, I have moved on and now enjoyed this apartment immensely, especially it's culinary delights.

Here in the centrally located kitchen, there are over three cereals to choose from, including Oat brand for when locals here are feeling a little irregular. When you're in the kitchen, sample the national drink of my apartment, home brewed Combucha, which locals praise as not as disgusting as it looks. In the middle of this bustling market place is an ancient heating device.

A word of caution to visitors, though, keep away unless you really know what you're doing.

Whole.

While you're here, be sure to visit the Michael Costa Museum of Art and Minor Accomplishments. Located on a neoclassical ikea dresser, it holds my many prize treasures like this autograph Regis Philbin Christmas CD and behold the crown jewel of the collection, a rare golden Emmy, although relentless critics like my wife point out that.

It's a regional Emmy, but that's fine.

She can tear down others so she feels better, even though it looks in weighs exactly the same as a real emmy six pounds twelve ounces. Who's county anyway? This apartment is also home to a world class wildlife preserve arrange.

You're guided to her to take in these amazing animals like this exotic North American Havanese Minie Schnauzer rescue mix.

Here we have.

The pipe room.

If you're a fan of pipes, you gotta check it out. Anytime you need to get to the pipes, you go here.

I don't know what any of this stuff does.

Let's move on.

Here.

We have a window.

Where?

Why are those kids playing outside?

Hey kid? It's a global pandemic?

Jesus Christ?

Anybody who forced the rules anymore? When can I go outside?

Outside?

What day is it?

Is there such thing as timing as time? Have I ever truly been alive?

Oh? Way?

Am I?

Should I give myself to se?

Did I leash?

Is my dog? My master? My master?

My master?

Well?

I hope you enjoy the strange and wonderful land that is Michael Costa.

Join me next week as we'll.

Be exploring the bizarre sights, sounds, and odors of my building's hallway.

Until then, I'm Michael Costa O A vioge.

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