TDS Time Machine | The Pope

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But as funeral preparations continue, the death of Pope John Paul the Second has prompted tributes from around the world. In Argentina, the nation's leaders attended church, while Mexican President Vincente Fox paid a call to his country's Vatican embassy. Elsewhere, the Pope, who was credited as a leading force of anti communism in the eighties, was fondly remembered by Wah, that's right, a Condolen's book, signed by none other than Fidel Castro, who and I say this with all respect

I came to Rome eight to nine o'clock.

I walk.

I've been walking for ten hours.

He added, did you see the ball spot? Yeah? I been working on that. We're gonna take you out to Rome, Vatican City actually, where a Daily Show table correspondent at Helmes is standing by. Ed, thank you so much for joining us. I understand that. I understand that you have joined the throngs, the millions in Rome.

That's correct, John, Like countless others from around the globe, I am waiting online here in Rome. I've just started our sixteen I don't know if I'm gonna make it. We're not all going to get.

There, But Ed, can you give us a little bit of a sense of what it's like to be there in Rome during this historic moment.

It's terrific, John, no problems at all. As you know, the Italians are famous for their organizational skills. They're handling this sudden influx of three million pilgrims like a Fiat handles on the auto strata.

So you would mean terribly.

It's not good, John, But they have done some things well. Officials are handing out bottled water, setting up porta potties and perhaps even more important, porta confessionals. As it turns out, ninety nine percent of all sins happen on pilgrimages.

Well, that's underesting. It's interesting statistics. It does sound like there's been a spirit of coming together there.

That h absolutely John. There's nothing like death to bring people to get Oh hey, looks like I'm up.

Ari gotto.

This stuff is awesome.

You were online for gelato.

Dude, you can't get the stuff in the United States. This is like triple delicious ice cream.

It's better than sex.

It reminds me I got to hit one of those confessionals.

All right, Well, thank you very much. At Helm's everybody from Rome now, of course, Uh, that looks absolutely realistic. Of course, for many of us, the passing of Pope John Paul's a time for reflection on how to use the Pope's death to further your own agenda. It's a difficult task, after all, it would be impossible to sum up this Pope's personal political and religious beliefs with just one simple talking point.

Frankly, this pope book, as I view it, is a great, great pillar of humanity because he liked freedom and he was in love with the culture of life.

Yes, as luck would have it, the Pope's death turned out to be a wonderful time to point out how his views coincided exactly with those of many conservatives. I'll let White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan continue.

The Holy Father was someone who stood for freedom, for human dignity, and promoting a culture of life. He was someone who believed very strongly in a culture of life. Culture of life.

Okay, you've set it up on a tee. The Pope is beloved. Pope believed in a culture of life, Bring us home.

The President has long believed in promoting a culture of life.

Yes, you've got it. The Pope and the President won and the same.

Yes, But unfortunately for the administration, the Pope had also expressed other beliefs. Yeah, I was gonna say, Senator Domnici, on the issue of the death penalty, you disagree with the Catholic Church.

You know, that's a nice question. But I didn't really come on here to talk about that.

I came on here to spin the Pope's death positively for me. Scott McClellan, same question.

Knowing that the president.

Police supports the death.

Penalty, to use the death penalty, does he see it as a contradiction to use that phrase culture of life?

I think the President's future well known. I don't think now is the time to talk about where they may have differed on one or two areas for shame.

For shame, reporter, out of respect for the Holy Father, just once, could you not point out our book, please, just once, out of respect for the guy. Another place the Pope different from the administration was on the Warren of Rock. The Pope called it quote a defeat for humanity, while the Vatican referred to it as quote illegal, immoral, and unjust. To Fox News is Neil Cavudo. That meant there was some wiggle room in the Pope's position.

I think he impressed a lot of people in the Arab and Islamic world by taking a strong stance against the war in Iraq.

Something might his ues.

We're not that black and white on the Warner Wreck, but the same, thank.

You very much, I think you're wrong about that.

Okay, well, we can argue, but I don't want to argue with you today because I like you.

Pope says defeat for humanity, I say tomato. But as always, the classiest respects were paid by our good friends at Crossfire.

We decided.

We decided the best way to honor the Pope was through completely inappropriate show intro music. I you not. Here is an actual clip with the actual sound from the opening of Tuesday's Crossfire.

Today on Crossfire.

Live from the George Washington University and Robert Novad.

The cross Fire Rata Tata Tata Tata data.

Well, I'm starting to think I was too easy on those tricks. I'm starting to think that show's cancelation orders came from higher up than we thought. We know that Rick Sentram administration would look to the Vatican for inspiration, but how would Santorum get those messages of inspiration? Last week it became.

Clear the Pontifical Council for Social Communications, or probably better known as Pope Benedicts social media team, is using Twitter in hopes of getting Catholics to focus more on Lent the Pope, who you see here using an iPad, nonetheless, will post spiritual guidance on Twitter.

Pope has an iPad?

What do you use that for? Why? Where is it? Bird so angry? That whats the pigs done to angers? The birds? The green boomel angie bird? Right? Why can not this bird learn forgiveness? But if a two thousand year old institution is doing, it's got to be cutting edge. Where do I find this holy Twitter feed?

Pope Benedict will tweet some of his themes for this season at Pope to you, Vatican.

Pope to you, Vatican. The Pope can't get a straight up Twitter handle? The Pope that is weak.

Twitter.

That is tweak, although it is the inspiration from a new off Broadway show. Pope Benedict the sixteenth chooses his Twitter account. I had to go with a chef's hat and a twenty year old iMac for some reason. As a Jew, obviously I'm not licensed to go full miner. Okay, this is Pope benedicta sixteen chooses his Twitter account. My new one mens www dot twitter dot com. Click on new account user name. The Pope already taken.

What I'm the Pope? What about the real Pope?

Nine nine how can that be taken?

I am Zelle and Pope, that's the Holy Pope? Son of a bitch? How is that pope with a zero for the Oh? What is going on? How can the the actual holy see Pope Benedict sixty? Mother call it? Does this?

Love?

Smile? I'll just go with Pope to you. That's taken, Pope to you? Are you? Are you watching this? One man and one.

Man shows what it's closed already.

Oh, that's okay.

Now that the pope's online, though, well, what's the pope gonna what's the Pope gonna put out there?

The s Folkeson says, many of the key ideas of the Gospel fit very nicely into one hundred and forty character very convenient.

It is very convenient, although not all of them, you know what I mean. I don't know if you know the fame passage from the twenty third Psalm, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear, oh boy, so ghost. Of course, there was one message the Pope really does want to get across.

That's good to see the Pope adapting to modern times. For me to gay with young people, I think that's a great.

Idea, A great idea. What better way for a celebraty four year old to modernize his religion For a younger generation of hormone adult kids eager to protect themselves from an into and pregnancies and ScDs, they just start a Twitter account. I can't think of anything else you could do hashtag nothing comes to mind, But let's begin tonight where the only independent country, Liechtenstein, can whip Vatican City. Today mark the beginning of the twenty first centuries first

Once in corners.

You know, I'm sorry, is that too specific? This morning, the cardinals entered the chapel and took an oath of secrecy, promising the hell the rules of the conclave. First rule of conclave, you do not polk about conclave.

Of course.

Second rule of conclave. The one who denied its supplot. The cardinals are now discussing the church's future under the impressive backdrop of Michelangelo's painting The Last Judgment. Interestingly, in a poem written three years ago, John Paul the Second himself urged the cardinals to look to the masterpiece for inspiration when choosing his successor of an English translation of The Home Right here, let's see Kanto forty three. I believe Okay, Here it is a painter from Florence named

Ee good ah.

Oh, I wish I'd been on Oprah last week. You'd really have something to tune into. The Cardinals will not emerge until a pope is chosen. Wait a minute, that that's what you guys are gonna laugh at. I'm up here busting my nuts, all show for nothing.

We throw up pope.

Secret. Oh I am very.

No.

I can have Oprah disappear. You people, I'm friends with you. The cardinals will not emerge until a pope is chosen. For some this will mean days away from their wives,

Ratzinger.

During each round of voting, the cardinals write the names of their chosen candidates on ballots marked illego insummum pontificum, which, if my Latin serves me correctly, is just a bunch of crazy gibberish. They keep voting until two thirds of the cardinals agree on one man after three days. If they don't, a simple majority will suffice. If that still doesn't do the trick, each side gets one possession from

Ed.

How's it going out there in Vatican City?

John?

The security here is tight. The Sistine Chapel is locked down. The place has been swept for bugs, surrounded by Swiss guards. Frescoes are rigged with explosives, Cyborg armies patrol the roof, and of course the slowman's shield.

So there's really no sense. I guess a way for you to get in there and get a sense of what's happening.

Not exactly, John, I do have a conclave simulation program, the Simstein ACU Chapel six thousand. Now, this gives you a pretty good idea of what's going on. As you can see, the College of Cardinals files into the chapel. Then they move past this guy here, kind of a downer in the world's top Catholics take their seats and prepare.

The voting begins.

The cardinals write their choice on official ballots. The votes are then tallied and burned in a furnace to produce smoke. Then afterwards everyone takes part in a violent shooting spree.

Whoa and uh.

That was?

That was Grand Theft Autumn Grand Theft auto Vatican City, John, and thank you.

That's really very nice here, I miss thanks for joining us.

To say, oh slow down, John. With this recreation, even you can be part of the action.

Check this out.

Okay, now watch this.

I'm totally conclavin.

You got that, John.

If I press the A button, I can vote for my favorite cardinal.

And if I push the B button, this is awesome.

I can put him who que. All right, I'm sorry, we have to go now.

I'm right.

I'm totally working on a combo.

Move A B B A puts Francis Cardinal Orenz in a headline.

All right, thank you very much.

Ed.

We'll be right back after this. The whole pope thing, I'll tell you here's how wrong I was about this whole thing. As far as the new pope, I had my money on Lieberman. I thought, for sure. I'll tell you what conservative religious I thought.

Uh.

The only problem apparently he's got the what you caught there the penis.

With the US.

The apparently you want to be the pope, you got to wear something. But the important thing is I know nothing about anything. Let's uh, what an incredibly historic time in Rome yesterday and this morning. The crowds gathered in Saint Peter's Square. They were disappointed as black smoke emanating from the Vatican Chimney signaled that no pope had yet been chosen, because only an idiot would indicate a pope had been elected with black smoke.

What But at six.

O'clock Rom time eleven o'clock Eastern time, more smoke began to pour from the Vatican chimney. At first, many news people were caught off guard.

Vatican Radio so far as saying it's black and you can hear no bells.

However, once again there's a lot of confusion.

About Jim black smoke.

Yet again we're.

Not absolutely positive here, Betty.

This is a tough call. It's looking white now, looking white, all though.

That looks darker now when you look at it.

We all know what a tire fire looks like, and this, this is not it.

What is there I could do?

Now?

What is their job? What is the news? What is their job?

Are they reporters? Are they literally just sitting there in their pajamas drunk, yelling at the TV that that's my job.

It's like Ms.

Three three thousand for God said, They're just sitting there narrating it looks like smoke there in there. Here's it. Why did you flip over ABC?

See what they have?

But soon the news was confirmed, the bells began chumming.

A new pondum had been selected. Kalu kala.

Fox News broke the story with the stunning words we have off pope.

We exclamation point.

We have a pope.

We have a pope.

Apparently Fox News is now officially a diocese. By the way, the graphic on Al Jazeera TV was a little different.

Now who is the new Pope?

The throngs gathered in front of the ential balcony cheered wildly as the door swung open to reveal here he is.

Pope Walker Affair, Oh my god, I.

Can't actually no, It's Germany's Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, or the joey rat says he likes to be called Pope. John Fall, the second longtime Adviser, stood adorned with paper vestments and crowned with the pope signature white skull cap. And as he stood there before the adoring multitudes, it was then that he realized this is how Bono must feel.

Whither with that gez Sunday Holy Sunday.

Ratzinger, now known as Benedict the sixteenth, addressed the crowd.

Let me hear you say.

Yeah?

Now now just the ladies.

So there you have it. The suspense is over.

Roman Catholicism has a new pontiff, and as usual, the CNN news crawl was the first signal of the media's return to idiocy as the pope's being announced. They announced singer klay Ak and we'll talk about his own experiences with bullying on the Doctor Phil Show today. How are we supposed to watch that without getting brain damage?

Someday?

There was the easter there, so you know that was a good time. Let's check in with the new Pope, Francis the first and see how he's holding up.

The first pope from Latin America is setting a new tone with the papacy, choosing to wear simple white vestments, shake hands with the public and focus on the.

Poor, presenting the priesthood as as a as a task.

Of service, choosing a simple apartment so for the grand papal residents, accepting a soccer jersey from his favorite team.

Servant communion at a time for where.

Minus red slippers that pay less trading in the popemobile for a pope moped, it's a simpler time.

What else is he doing paying his hotel bill after becoming pope?

Where the popes didn't used to pay their hotel bills. The other popes, what do they do when they go to check out? They're just like, Hey, this thing's got no pockets. What are you gonna do? I tell you this, Pope Francis seems like a breath of fresh air. I like this. He prefers the title of Bishop of Rome, simpler and less majestic than Pope or his holiness. Please, his Holiness lives in Florida. Basically, everything Pope Francis does is a standing.

Reproach to the more.

Festoons style of his predecessor. I'm not saying Benedict over Dennet, but every time that guy went to Mexico, kids hit him with sticks. Open jewels would pour out, what is the most unbenedict Like thing? What is the most you like that? What is the most unbenedict Like thing Pope Francis could do?

Instead of washing the feet of twelfth priest on Holy Thursday, the Pope disregarded church custom and washed the feet of twelve prisoners, including a Muslim woman.

I don't see anybody's religion. All I see is twenty four really thirty feet? What one hundred and twenty very thirty dollars.

Let's do this again. This little thing he went together, this little thing he went to prison. You are not even I love this guy.

He's given prisoners many popies.

We should call him Pope.

Raymond because everybody loves and it's only a second week on the job.

How do you top this?

The new Pope is marking the weekend with many first on Italian television. Today, the Pope did something Pope's.

Rarely do, hunt rare lions from a hot air balloon. Harlem shak, tell the aristocrats joke.

The Pope did something Pope's rarely do, participating in a broadcast special on the Shroud of Turin. It's the first televised showing in forty years of the Shroud, only the second time in history.

What a relief to Catholics everywhere to have their new Pope go on television. This is the only dirty laundry he's going to be airing.

But I'll get it.

Mister Varney, your supply sider, you want to hear a moral argument about that type of economics. Well, let's look to a gentleman seen as a voice of moral authority for millions of people today.

Pope Francis denounced trickled economics as unfair to the poor.

He calls unfettered capitalism a new tyranny, and he urges world leaders to fight poverty and inequality.

Money must serve, not rule.

I exhort you to generous solidarity and to the return of economics in finance to an ethical approach which favors human beings.

Oh, somebody lights some incense. That's going to go over like a fart in church.

I disagree with the pope who doesn't like free market capitalism. I think free market capitalism is a great liberator.

Ah, you're going up against the Pope.

You're going up against the Pope on how to help the poor, helping the poors in this man's wheelhouse. This pope helps the poor, but you're telling him how to do his job. Pope doesn't come over to where you work and slap Jamie Diamonds get.

Of your mouth. That's weird. That wasn't in the prompter.

Can anyone actually have a rebuttal?

For the Pope with all due humility, and as a church going Catholic convert, devotional convert, I adore the Holy Father. I still must completely disagree. Need I remind his Holiness, Pope Francis. Charity is a Gospel value that puts free market capitalism on the right side of the Lord.

Exactly, free market capitalism on the right side of the Lord who says.

You can't serve both God and money. Who would say such a thing?

Wo would.

Save such an.

That's a fair look at the beard.

Guy's clearly a Marxist, all right, step right up? Who's got next?

And the Pope criticizes an entire economic system and he's negative about it. He's indulging in politics, and I don't think he should. I personally do not want my spiritual life mixed up with my political life. I go to church to save my soul.

Then why aren't you there right now?

I do think we've got some common ground here. I think we both actually agree that some people are being paid too much money to shovel unappetizing, unhealthy to the American public. We just disagree about who those people are and where they were speeding with Juwis let's go. Why don't we start the show with the opposite of said Richard Lewis.

The Pope is the head of the Jewish Church.

Pope is the head of the Catholic Church, the Vicar of Christ. Number one on Godspeed Dial one point two billion worshipers hanging on the Pope's every word. And guess what the word just came down.

Ope Francis issued a nearly two hundred page document casting climate change as a moral issue, not simply a political or economic debate.

A two hundred page, two hundred page and cyclical moral treaties on climate change and just in.

Time for beach season.

What a great read down at LBI. I hope it's in the original Latin. So the Pope is weighing in on the side of taking action against climate change. It seems a lot for the Catholic Church to take an environmental stance. But Buddhism was the religion obsessed with recycling.

Oh boom boom, oh snap, no you did it? Oh where where my eightfold pathwalkers at?

Yeah?

That wine usually doesn't get a lot of enthusiasm. It's not to say the Vatican as being a popey come lately to this. They've recognized climate change for a long time.

The Vatican claims it was among the first institutions to believe that global warming is caused by human activities. The Vatican's Potentifical Academy of Sciences was the first exclusive scientific academy in the world. Among its first members was Galileo Galilei.

I don't know if you really want to list Galileo as one of your references. The Catholic Church, yeah, I remember working with them. They were lovely people. Convicted me of heresy and sends me to house arrest for the last nine years of my life. Otherwise, though, very forward thinking. Tell me more about this magic hand I'm talking into now here. In America, the Republican Party has traditionally been pretty pop pope, pretty pro pope, sharing as they do,

Joe Barton, the senior Republican on the Energy and Commerce Committee, says he doesn't consider the pope an expert on environmental issue. Is state was his job?

I mean, let us state with artists, that is his job. That's the biggest job of the pope is to tell people when they're being bad. So he dresses like a big white blanket. Just uh, but you know what Barton and Enhoff, who cares about those guys? San Tormal back to pope, Like sant Torm's so Catholic. He was an altar boy until like six weeks ago.

So this guy's so Catholic.

His crucifix, where's a crucifix?

I think that, uh, we probably are better off leaving science to the scientists and focusing on what we do, what we're what we're really good at, which is uh, which is the which is theology and morality?

Oh yeah, no, you should leave it.

Just leave the science to the scientists.

By the way, what do the scientists who have an overwhelming consensus about global warming say about global warming? Even Republican front runner, Yeah, be Booth.

Is chafing at the pope.

I don't get economic policy from my bishops or my cardinals or from my pope. I think religion ought to be about making us better as people and less about things that end up getting into the political realm.

Yeah, religion is about making us better people. Politics is about bringing out our worst, and I think we need to keep those things, you know. But this is weird because Jeb seemed very in favor of church and state, at least dating at last week's Faith and Freedom coalition.

Our faith and our moral traditions, it is really the moral foundation of our country, the greatest country on the face of the earth. This conscience should also be respected when people of faith want to take a stand for traditional marriage.

Oh so there, it's okay. Well, perhaps maybe people would be more for preventing global warming if we referred to it as taking a stand for preserving traditional sea levels. It's out of an EU of work.

I didn't know it.

Ort As the Bible says, it is Adam and Eve, not Adam and Cook. Look, Republicans reacting to the Pope's honest call for environmental consciousness with hostility. It's not the way to go. And the Pope lays down the doctrine like this, there was only one force on earth powerful enough to sway him.

Exon has sent actually a senior lobbyist and another executive over to Rome.

Exon's been lobbing the Vatican over the Pope's climate change message.

They've appealed to a higher authority than God, and so in the in the words of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Drill Baby Drill.

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