TDS Time Machine | The Constitution

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The national immigration debate is more contentious than ever, with growing fears of these anchor babies we talked about earlier terror babies, Muppet babies coming to our chores. By the way, you should check out the new Muppet character anchor me terror baby. Adorably destructive to our country. The trouble stems from the Constitution itself, specifically the Fourteenth Amendment's promise of birthright citizenship.

The Fourteenth Amendment granted citizenship to quote all persons born or naturalized in the United States, to protect newly freed slaves and their children and guarantee their rights as citizens. And last time I checked, I don't think we're having that problem anymore.

I don't think the founders understood when they did the fourteenth Amend they would create a circumstance where people could fly into America all over the world and have a child, and that child would have dual citizenship.

Okay, two things real quick. A, the Founders didn't write the port Hint Amendment that happened in the eighteen sixties. And actually Ben Franklin very much wanted to fly and have babies all around the world. That's why he invented the sex kite. Anyway, does the Constitution need changing? For answers? We turned to John Hodgman in his segment You're welcome. John Hodgman joins us. Thank you very much for joining us a cretin being here. What is your take on the constitutional crisis?

Well, the reality is the Constitution is badly broken and out of date. Young people in particular never read it anymore, even though it's almost ridiculously easy to steal from the National Archives.

That's that's the actual constitution.

Oh well, I believe this Fifth Amendment says I don't have to answer that question, all right, I understand in fact that means it's a good one. So we're going to keep it here.

We get are you drawing? Okay, how are you going to get young people involved in the constitution?

Well, let's start at the top, John. It's going to need a hip, new name constitution. It's very negative, isn't it. Why not something a little more positive? Why not a crustitution?

Actually, there's one reason I can think of that that wouldn't really be a good idea.

Late, I've already made the change, ah, which brings me to solution number two. Let's trim the fat. I mean basically everything after Amendment ten wasn't written by the founders, so that can go. And some prominent constitutional scholars think we can go even further than that.

California, along with so many other states, defining traditionally what marriage is. And to see that third branch of government undoing the will of the people gets it's frustrated.

Yeah, but the founder established a dentiary now just to abolish it because you don't agree. That seems what a.

Few mallet wielding brain bullied lawyers overruling the will of the people. It's un democratic, John, and it brings me my third solution. Let's give the prostitution back to the people.

By putting it on the internet.

I give you the Wiki prostitution. It's an open source document, a marketplace of ideas where the will of the people can finally speak. It already has six thousand new amendments, and as you can see, the people, in their wisdom, have outlawed anchor babies, legalized marijuana, and apparently we have banned werewolves. That makes sense. Actually, Team Edward is very active on the Wiki prostitutions.

That's a fascinating document. I'm sure we'll stand the test of time, but it's hard to take arguments for changing the Constitution seriously when some of those same people that you're showing normally talking about how the Constitution is sacrisanct.

A lot of people don't think they have to enforce the Constitution as it's written. They like to enforce it as they would like it to have been written.

I am so sick of people taking this constitution. We're running it through the shredder everybody every time somebody wants them to do what they want to do. It took these guys.

A long time.

They read a lot of books and a lot of history to put the principles together in this thing.

Wait a minute, John, that's Glenn Beck's defense of the Constitution. It took a long time to write. If that's the criteria, then that screenplay about the Noid that you started back in the late eighties will be the greatest document of all time.

Believe me, that will be a great film.

Anyway.

You didn't play Senator Session's entire SoundBite.

I believe the Second Amendment is a vile constitutional amendment.

A lot of.

People don't think they have to enforce the Constitution as it's written.

See, John, he was only talking about the Second Amendment guns. John, of course, we can't change that clause. Look, the Founders made it sharply proof. I can't do anything to it.

Damn.

Their original intent is clear.

See that's the whole thing. They talk about, the satrisaic nature of the Constitution. When they like what it says, then suddenly they say, Hey, that's not what the founders meant. They don't want to do that. They want to pick and choose the parts of the Constitution that they want. That's the problem with this original intent business. We have the founder's words, but no one really knows what they were thinking, and they're not modeled to begin with.

No one, John, no or no one minus one. I should tell you that I'm a noted Founding Father's psychologist, as you would know if you had read my book, Men Are from Mars. James Madison was a godlike genius who could do no wrong, and I am the only one who knows what he was thinking.

Now, how could you know what James Madison was actually thinking?

Didn't you even look at the cover of my book, John thought?

I did?

I get it? Straight from James Madison's skull.

That's not.

Any unlikely event that of powdered wearing skull doesn't provide the guidance we need.

Well, that's what then, that's a ridiculous premise, John, But I'll play along. After all, even James Madison recognized a higher authority at work.

Go back to what our founders and our founding documents meant. They're quite clear that we would create law based on the God of the Bible and the Ten Commandments.

See, that's what I'm talking about the Constitution when it suits in the Bible, and it just makes it sound like the Constitution is an amendment now to the Bible.

Yeah, a lot of people think that that's true, but that's an easily fixed misconception. If you scroll down now to a new amendment six six hundred and sixty six, I think you'll see that the Bible is now actually a prostitutional amendment. So it's all in there.

And what about separation of church and state, which is in the Constitution.

That what is that, mister president? Excuse me, Oh, James Madison said the separation of church and state was just their little.

Joke, Thank you very much. John. Everybody what we're about.

Welcome back to the very show.

The United States Constitution. We all talk about it, but does anyone who's not Nicholas Cage rarely understand It's well, Michael Costa went looking for such a person and his new segment Thank Me Later.

Hi, I'm Michael Costa.

Civic activism does it work?

Can one person make a difference? Tonight on Thank me Later, we'll meet one man who did the impossible. No, not me, He changed the United States Constitution forever. I sat down with this American hero and you can thank me later.

Hi there, Hi, who are you?

I'm Gregory Watson. I'm responsible for the ratification of the twenty seventh Amendment to the Federal Constitution.

That's right, This lone star scholar got an amendment ratified to the Constitution like the Supreme Law of America Constitution, as in the seventeen eighty seven Founding Father's Constitution. You're not a founding father. You're more like a weird uncle of the US Constitution. Step father, oh, stepfather. So you are nice sometimes, but then sometimes you come home drunk and treat the kids crappy because they're not really yours.

Sometimes.

I'm very familiar with the Constitution. I'm a huge fan. Why don't you tell our viewers what the twenty seventh Amendment is? Again, I'm very certain I know.

What it is, but go ahead.

It says that when members of Congress Congress exactly want to adjust their salaries exactly, they must wait until the next selection has intervened.

Has intervened. Now, for you dumb dums who don't care about our country, three quarters of the states are needed to ratify an amendment. So how did this egghead get it done?

It all started in nineteen eighty two with a college paper that I wrote. I found a book in the library that showed amendments that Congress had approved but which not enough state legislatures had ratified. And I found this one from seventeen eighty nine.

Wait, you're an undergrad, Yes, a sophomore. You're a sophomore who realized that this amendment, which was introduced in seventeen eighty nine, was still available to be ratified.

Yes, March of nineteen eighty two, during spring break.

During spring break break, no one, when I'm at the wet t shirt contest in can Kun you're realizing that an amendment can still be ratified in the US Constitution. Yes, yes, so you write this paper.

Yes.

I turned it into the TA and get it back a few days later with a C on it with a C a C, and I appealed the grade up to the professor. She said she'd take a look at it. And when she came back a few days later, she saw me sitting in the and she physically tossed it at me and said, no change. I decided right then and there, I'm going to get that amendment ratified.

Wait a minute, are you saying that this guy actually got a constitutional amendment ratified?

John?

Can you just stick to the reenactment? Also, you meant to me nineteen years old. So can you act like a hot team?

No? I can't.

And so what happens now, Well, then I start writing those letters, pleading with members of the legislatures in those states to introduce a resolution at the state capitol to ratify the amendment, and it needed thirty two states, And when Naine ratified the following year in nineteen eighty three, there was just no turning back.

And that's the story of how Gregory Watson.

I don't have to look at the camera.

Why are you talking?

I was just delivering my line. Hang on, hang on, I'm John Hodgman.

I'm still on television.

Sometimes we're done, okay, And then what happens.

So I pestered, and I badgered, and I cajoled the state legislatures over the course of ten years, and they ratified it.

This whole time, I thought you'd be some Harvard Law constitutional scholar lobbyist to elicit change. You're really just a pinion the ass.

Yes.

Yeah. When the twenty seventh Mement was finally ratified, what did they give you as a sign of respect for your work?

Absolutely nothing.

You didn't get a thank you card from.

No thank you card from anyone.

Man.

I was afraid I was going to hear a sad, depressing story like that, which is why I made this for you, Gregory Watson. This is a trophy commemorating you. I'm getting the twenty seventh Amendment ratified.

Beautiful.

I showed treasure for all time.

Welcome back.

As you know, America is like a boy band. Yes, that is the premise we are starting with. Each of our fifty states has a distinct personality. We've got the cute one we've got the rebel rides a Harley with no helmet. We've got the one that pretty sure has a drug problem. But the thing about these states reputations is they're hard to change. It makes you feel bad for some place like Mississippi, which every time it opens its mouth, you know, because of its reputation, you're like, please,

Please?

And why is that state had such a tough time shaking its rent for bad race relations? For insight, let's look back at a classic episode of The Daily Show. In tonight's segment nineteenth century news, Hello, greetings, and salutations. My name is John Stewart, had given the Times. I'm obviously neither Jewish nor on televisions. Our top story this day in eighteen sixty five is that the state of Georgia has voted to ratify We had over the shoulders

After one hundred and forty eight years, the state of Mississippi has finally ratified the thirteenth Amendment.

And that's why that was unpleasant.

That's why Mississippi can't check it's red for bad race relations. So Mississippi, two things on the recent ratification. First, better late than ever, and second, this is pretty late. Why the sudden ratification.

It's all thanks to Steven Spielberg's film Lincoln.

After watching the movie, two men discovered Mississippi was the last state which had not officially ratified the Thirteenth Amendment, which abolished slavery. And then Mississippi went to see Django unchained and tried to take their ratification back. Look, Lincoln or no, Lincoln, how are you just getting to this now? Didn't the release of Mississippi Burning push to revisit the

The Mississippi's legislature did sign on in nineteen ninety five, but did not file the proper paperwork.

Oh red tape. They tried to ratify the thirteenth Amendment all the way back in nineteen ninety five, inspired no doubt by that year's blockbuster. I know what you did one hundred and thirty summers ago. And then there was obviously the eighteen year long paperwork malfunction. By the way, what did happen with the paperwork?

Their former Secretary of State, Dick Malpus failed to send a copy of the resolution to the Federal Registrar.

Classic Dick Maulpus. I'm sure he meant to file the paperwork. Probably. In fact, here's my impression of him mailing Mississippi's Thirteenth Amendment ratification to the Federal Registrar. I'm so glad that we did this. That's really nice. Let me just put this in the mailbox. Yeah, I imagine that will get there too. Sweet. So who cleaned up the mess left by former Mississippi Secretary of State Dick.

Malpus the current Mississippi Secretary of State, Delbert Hoseman.

Delbert husband cleaned up for Dick malpis. Huh, can't wait for next year's Mississippi Secretary of State race between smirt nickel dum and cleavage stick butt. We'll be right back.

Starting with Twitter. That's what Elon Musk bought for his midlife crisis instead of a Lamborghini. Over the weekend, Elon released the so called Twitter Files, which many conservatives had hoped would prove that Twitter colluded with Democrats to sense and news about Hunter Biden's laptop during the twenty twenty election. Instead, they mostly just showed the Biden campaign asking Twitter to take down nude photos of Hunt to Biden. So yeah,

I guess.

So the Twitter Files turned out to be a major letdown for conservatives, right, there was no proof of a conspiracy to help defeat Donald Trump. But you know who doesn't care about any of that, Donald Trump.

Former President Donald Trump's false claims about the twenty twenty election now have him calling for the Constitution to be terminated with the revelation of massive and widespread fraud and deception in working closely with big tech companies, the DNC and the Democratic Party. Do you throw the presidential election results of twenty twenty out and declare the rightful winner?

Yeah, that's right. The Republican front runner for presidents of the United States wants to terminate the Constitution because Twitter wouldn't allow him to see Hunter Biden's dick.

Yeah, He's like.

I want to see the VP. I want to see it. I want to see what I'm dealing with.

If you want to see Hunter Biden's dick, just get a bag of cocaine like everyone else. Mister president alsoul, Why is this still news? Can anyone tell me?

Like?

Why is this leaving a headline? Donald Trump thinks this undermines the election. He thinks that about everything everything. However, the math equation starts. His answer is always the same, doesn't matter where. It's like a wait, I could come up like I'm sorry, So the kitchen says, we've run out of the Mickey Mouse pancakes.

This is the last.

Straw we need to redo the election.

We do have the Donald Duck waffles, it's too late.

I'm starming the Capitol.

I'll have those to go please. And look, I get that Trump doesn't like to lose. By my man, twenty twenty is over. You've got to move on.

You know.

Trump is like one of those guys who never stops trying to get back with his ex. Like he's he's texting her years later, like hey you up, and she's like, yeah, I'm up with.

My kids from my marriage.

I'm like, oh, still playing hard to get I like that.

I like that.

But honestly, though, what a what a starts to the Trump twenty twenty four campaign. First he had dinner with Nazi lovers. Now he's calling to scrap the Constitution. What's next? Who is he gonna give the Lincoln Memorial enormous boobs? And still the GOP's gonna come out like, well A personally would have gone with a textal recup. But I think President Trump's heart is under the right players man.

Not gonna tell him, So I'm like, that's night a journal had an author. His greatest book is called The Year of Living Constitutionally, One man's humble quest to follow the Constitution's original meaning? Is why when the program A J.

Jacobs, sir, you know what, thanks the Year Living Constitutionally?

What?

So?

How did the Year of Living constitutionally a humble quest to follow the constitutionalism? How did this come about? Why would you consider this?

Well, first of all, thank you and goodmorrow. Of course, is.

That a constitutional absolutely all right?

And this came about because I wanted to figure out what is in the Constitution? What does it actually say? And I thought it was a timely question because, as you know, our current Supreme Court thinks we should follow the original meaning from nueventeen eighty.

Now, I haven't been watching the news. Is anything going on?

I recommend it?

What a terrible thing.

Yeah, so I thought I'm going to try to figure out what that was by getting in the mindset of our founding father.

Now, as you go back and you revisit sort of the mindset of the founders, are you struck by how human they were? You know, we've deified them to a large extent, But when you learn about them, do you think like, oh, a couple of these guys might be idiots, like what was thought?

Well, yes, the Constitution is amazing because parts of it are so inspiring. The preamble fifty two of the greatest words ever written about the general welfare and blessings of livery. But then there are it is a flawed document. There are actual misspellings in the Constitution. The word Pennsylvania is spelled two different ways pe n n and pe n,

With the grammarly mistakes. Did you correct it or did you think that one? No, let's pass that one to it. How did you did you dismiss the grammarly questions?

Well, I couldn't go in and change it on the.

The actual document spells Pennsylvania two different ways.

That's rights and the its as actually should be an it apostrophe s. So if Ben Franklin had invented social media, they would have gotten a lot of flak for that. Brilliant but so it is, and they knew it was flawed. That's what's amazing. The founding fathers knew this is a flawed document, and they said.

Would they be surprised at how we've deified them?

I think so. I think many of them would be now.

In their discussions. Did you as you looked back and saw the discussions that they were having. My understanding is they never really thought that partisan politics, would you know, be the thing we were fighting over. They thought the branches of government would fight each other, that the executive would fight, the judicial would fight the legislative. I don't think they thought parties would try and weaponize each apartment against you.

They did not see this rigid two party system coming. And James Madison he knew they were going to be factions, but he thought there were going to be lots of factions and maybe six or eight look more like a European parliament, and they would have been shocked by so much of what we have now, including the president. I bring that up because it's kind of timely, and they.

They were very understated in the seventeen hundreds. It is somewhat timely.

Well.

They when the idea of a single presidency came up in the convention, a lot of the delegates said, are you jesting. That is a terrible idea.

Wait, they said, are you jesting?

I'm paraphrasing, I'm paraphrasing, are you jesting? But they said, we just fought a war to get rid of a king, why do we want another. One of them said, this is the fetus of monarchy. If we do this, we should have three presidents, twelve presidents, and.

Almost like the court, that the president's and the court would be similar. Not a unitary executive, not a single person.

Right, And and in the end it was fought for weeks. In the end, the unitary executive one. But I have to say that fetus of monarchy common. I mean, it's not a fetus anymore. It's like a teenager.

Right, It is like we are two hundred and some years later.

Right.

It took a while, but it's here.

What do we mistake about them? You know? Now? Do you watch the arguments that you see about the founder's intent differently? Do you? Does it make you a little crazier knowing what the actual arguments were? Oh?

Absolutely, I mean it was Their mindset was so different in so many ways. It was like a foreign country. And just to give you one example, their idea of rights were very different. Rights were not trump cards. Sorry about the right, but they were they there were responsibilities with them, they exactly, they had they should have had a bill of responsibilities in addition to a bill of rights.

Right and that we've in some ways exploited those conversations to just get what we want or do what we want.

Right exactly. And they talked about virtue. They loved that word. And this is before it had sort of a negative tage.

How many of them do you think banged porn stars? How many of them when they talk about virtue?

Well, I talked to many constitutional scholars, never none of them hasn't said that.

But what about the level of discourse, Because I'm always struck by, you know, even in this situation that we face now with the the debate and all that, the way, the gas lighting that occurs, the lack of trust in Americans' instincts or ability to take complex issues and hear about them honestly. Right, But I imagine their conversations were very frank and very direct, but also sophisticated.

Absolutely, I think it was a genuine difference. I wrote this book a lot of it with a quill pen, and I'm not saying everyone needs to go back to a quill pen.

Wrote, you wrote the book with a quill pen.

Yeah, because I was trying to live the Constitution. I had my musket. I carried it around New York. I wrote a quill the quill pen.

There's out of curiosity?

Do you consider yourself a method writer? Is that what this is?

That's exactly I love that phrase.

Thank you so you did? So it was a quill pen. And is there something about using the quill that that is more deliberately and allows you to think different?

I really believe that there were no dings and chimes from the internet. I could actually focus and maybe come up with some subtle thoughts. And I can if the Constitution were written on an iPhone with emojis, that would not be good.

Can you imagine that you know all men are created equal? Lol? It would have been a nightmare night.

They loved cold takes, not hot takes. They're all about let's take a look at the pros and cons. And one of my favorite founding father, Ben Franklin said at the Constitutional Convention, he said, the older I get, the less certain I am of my own opinions, which I love.

I mean exactly. And they even they baked it into the cake. As far as they really thought amendments will be necessary. This has to be a document that can change with the consent of the government. Exactly.

They knew it was imperfect. They said, let's figure out ways to change it. But as you say, they didn't see this rigid two party system. Now, the last amendment we had was nineteen ninety two, and I mean you had to get two thirds of Congress to agree. You can't get two thirds of Congress to agree on on the color of a green pepper. You know, you just can't.

It's impossible because they are reddish.

That's a good point.

Thank you very much forbidding. The Year of Living Constitutionally.

Is an album. Now Hey day Jackets explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount

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