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For most of its existence, the IRS was America's favorite government agency, but that all changed after the IRS admitted last year to certain improprieties.
Tea Party and other conservative groups that rose to power early in the president's first term were unfairly targeted for special scrutiny by the IRS.
By the way, whatever you think of the Tea Party movement, I think we can all agree that the only government agency there should be singling it out for special scrutiny is the fashion police. I mean pantaloons. Come on, you know, pantaloons. That is so Benjamin Frumpland. Well, anyway, since then, it has been established that the IRS also targeted liberal five oh one c fours, but not with the same level
of scrutiny that they applied to the conservatives. So that's something now, I know the right wants that something to be The President Obama ordered the IRS to target them while he sat in a dark room smoking a cigar, stroke and a cat whilst an orphan boy stands outside in the rain looking through the windows, saying why, mister President, why. But as it turns out, there's been no real evidence found that the White House is involved, and the cat turned out to be a dog in the orphan actually
has parents and was putting on a British accent. But the point is this, these IRS troubles do not appear to be that, but they are something, and the IRS is clearly doing their best to continue to give off scandal stink like some kind of scared scandal skunk. When we last left the IRS, their official Lois Learner, had taken the fifth rather than testify in front of Congress. So Congress asked the IRS if they would be so kind as to clicked the forward button on all of
Lois Learner's emails. What happened with that?
They say?
The IRS has been promising to get them these emails for a year and now suddenly says that lowest Learner's computer crashed way back in twenty eleven and that many of those emails are just gone.
Well that's irritating. Computers do crash, emails are lost, but typically finding that out that information takes less time than it takes to ges state amanity a year. Come on, well, first, Congress had to fill out Form twelve eighteen to a sub easy that is an email requisition form for our records. Then we throw that form into a room filled with chimps. Then then what we did is we trained the chimps to read.
So things were looking good.
That's when unfortunately the chimps so that that was.
A whole thing.
But finally we negotiated a contract. Finally we delivered a contract that chimps didn't throw the feces. At the point is email requisations are now done through a different form, so if you could reapply, etc. So it is in this environment that the new I r S Commissioner John really you like that? The new ir S Commissioner John cos skinnin kskynen coas Skinnon.
I'll go with he comes before.
Congress to testify. I wonder if they're going to be dicks to him.
Please rise to take the oath and raise your right hand a little higher.
Now, uh wow, that was easy. Uh now uh turn around and wiggle so well, we all might want to do that to the head of the irs. What does raising your hand higher have to do with telling the truth? They go, I can lie, wait, I can lie, hold on, I can lie, I can lie, I can lie. I can no longer lie, for my hand is too close to go. That's him scratching God's beard. Hello, by enough cathartic public shaming. Where are the damn emails?
The actual hard drive, after it was determined that it was dysfunctional and that with experts no emails could be retrieved, was recycled and destroyed in the normal process.
So was it physically destroyed, that's my understanding. So was it melted down?
Do you know?
I have no idea what the recycler does with it.
For for all I know, Lois Learner's hard drive was ground into a fine dust, sprinkled like parmesan into a lasagna that.
Was served to those in this very chamber. So I say to you, Congress, if you want to see all of Lewis Learner's emails, you must look inside yourselves, or or you.
Could, or you can wait.
By the way, that is a killer, that guy impression that I will use for the rest of my career. So up until now, the whole thing's annoying. But not quit galling. Here's where it gets someone galling.
The irs has historically only preserved backup takes for six months.
All right, the government agency whose entire business model relies on forcing Americans to live as borderline hoarders only keeps there her six months now, so that's unacceptable. You know, you'd never get a notice from the IRS saying please bring your records down to us if you can find them. I mean, it's like if the EPA was dumping its office trash in the National Zoos spotted Owl exhibit, meaning
it would be ironic. But even if the IRS deleted the tapes, why can't they just get the emails from her inbox? Spoiler alert, It's stupid and preventable. Each IRS employee's email box back then only held one hundred and fifty megabytes of information, also known as five pictures of your family or one picture of Anthony.
Wieners Boom boom, Yeah, he has a.
Somewhat large penis one hundred and fifty megabytes. That's one percent of what Gmail offers you for free, and that comes with a Google Plus account for you to not use.
The federal government.
The federal government has built an entire complex in the deserts of Utah to store everything Americans have ever said to each other, but inter government conversations.
I don't know, buy thumb drive.
If there is a larger scandal here, it's that our government's handling of information across all plats borders on criminal idiocy. The irs is frying hard drives the VA's drowning in paper. Is there any record keeping medium that the government could.
Use that could work for that?
Microfiche will do it, Stone tablets will do it. We could take a page out of the ancient Greeks, weave all of our important information into an epic poem and recite entirely from memory passed down over generations as part of a federal archival oral tradition from barred to apprentice. But you probably lose that page. Unlet's wait a minute. I know what's going on here. You're tired of governing us, aren't you, and so you're kind of acting like assholes, so.
We break up with you.
Well, look, I know we're not perfect as constituents, and we've been in this relationship for two hundred years. Probably take you a little bit for granted. We want everything and don't want to pay for anything. Every year on your birthday we throw a huge party and pretend it's for you, but it's really just a chance for us to get up and stare at this guy between nine
PM and nine twenty five. Look, the point is this government, no matter what you get right, we're still going to find that one thing you got wrong and sign a petition about it.
That doesn't mean we don't need to.
Baby want you to remember this. Just because we are totally unreasonable doesn't mean you have to be totally incompetent. It is clear that we've gotten many do it yourselfers and our audience from the email. So to show us how to fill out your very own tax form, I'm joined by our own mister money, Stephen Colbert Stephen, thank you for joining using tax Thank you.
John, Oh, thank you.
Like most Americans, I hate paying taxes, but I love my roads, my garbage pickup, and my federal prison system.
Public education not so much.
I homeschool, So you gotta pay your taxes, but oh they can be a little intimidating.
I'm here to help.
First thing you do is you got to get yourself a whole lot.
Of well sharpened number two pencils.
Get those ready, And this may take a while and you might get thirsty.
So I recommend a Nuts brand Hazel Nuts soda.
I actually enjoyed the pistachio.
Nuts Nuts.
Now question number one, name and address. I like to put a joke name down like Ivana Humpya or Ip Freely or Phil McCracken.
The irs.
Guys just love it. It brightens up their day and it gets them on your side. Okay, age, I put down seventeen Okay, that makes me a minor.
Can't be tried as an adult.
Okay, use that noodle. Now, dependence, this lowers your taxes. So I put down six wives and twenty one children.
So you are a seventeen year old with twenty one children.
Huh not me, John Ip Freely okay, income, I put down five million dollars.
That shows them I'm a heavyweight. And then no, not to screw with me. Okay.
Then at the bottom here where it says sign here, I don't okay, that's just gonna come back and bite you in the ass. There, tax is done.
Wait, no, that's that's interesting. But perhaps there might be some viewers out there who don't want to lie on their tax returns. Do you have any tips for those viewers?
Oh, smoky dope, all right. What you're gonna want to do is get one of.
The resource books, okay, and then you want to go under section A and look under subsection countenance. Okay, find a name, follow the dotted line to the corresponding seven digit numerical code, and then you enter that code into your tax communicator.
Okay, voila, tax is done.
So wait, you just.
You just call an accountant. A lot more to it than that, John.
You see, you need to make sure that the person that helps you doesn't believe that Jesus was the only son of God, that Muhammad was a prophet, that Buddha was enlightened, or that vishnus So is thans the universe.
So you mean just hire a Jewish account whoa whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
I'd call that a bit of an ethnic stereotype, wouldn't you. I mean, are you just saying that Jews are good with money?
Okay?
But if you say so, folks, John says, go find yourself a Jew. That that sounds so that sounds so ugly. You know, I just don't get you, man, I've got this god this ugly taste in my mouth.
Now nuts, thank you, Steven, Stephen Colbert. Everyone will be right back.
I love America. It's the only country where you can get a burger and a liposuction at the same drive through.
But that's all.
Who's also lived all around the world. I feel a responsibility to let America know that a lot of the things it does are super weird to the rest of us. And one of those things is how America does money. It's tax season, which right off the bat is a sign that something is wrong, okay, because taxes shouldn't have a whole season. Seasons are supposed to be for exciting stuff like baseball season, or wedding season or season two of Bridgeston. I can't wait to see which British person
is jeezuing on who this time. But America decided that filing taxes should be as quick and painless as getting a root canal at the DMB. I mean, you got your ten ninety nine, you got your Form ten forties, you got your schedule seeds, you got your R two D two's, you got your blink one eighty twos. You spend days trying to figure out what you owe the government, and then the government tells you if you're right, because apparently they knew the whole freaking time. It's like the
world's most pointless game show. Aside from the price is right, obviously, because nobody should get a new car for knowing how much catch up costs. Look, I hate to break it to you, guys, but in a lot of other countries, the government does all that filing for you. Yeah, they do the math, they send you a statement, and if it looks good, you click okay, and then you're done. It's so easy a baby could do it. But they don't have to because they're lazy freeloaders who don't pay taxes.
It's not just your income taxes. All taxes in America are weird. In a lot of other countries, you see a price on something and that's how much it costs, because that's the whole point of a goddamn price. But no, not in America. When you pay for something in America, they hate you with the surprise sales tax. They're basically capfishing you. I know that six hundred dollar TV looks good, but it's lying it's six fifty and it has a secret family. But don't get me wrong, taxes are filed
from America's only insane money issue. Okay, I know you guys are used to it, but I need you to realize that the way you tip in this country is not normal everywhere else. A tar is a show of appreciation, not a goalfundme for someone who doesn't earn a living wage. A waiter's ability to pay rent shouldn't depend on how generous Becky feels after three martinis. And the real issue is how arbitrary you're tipping is You tip the guy who delivers your food, but not the guy who delivers
your packages. And you tip the person who made your coffee but not the person who made your big mac. And don't even get me started on tip jaws. Okay, you don't have to put money in, but if you do, you gotta make a big show of it. I like to shoot my cash into the job like a basketball or shouting. He tips, he scores. If you bank it off the cashier, they usually notice. But as weird as taxes and tipping are in America, let's not forget about
the actual money itself, because American physical currency sucks. I don't know if you know this, but in other countries, every denomination is a different size because it makes it easier to tell them apart, especially if you're blind. But apparently blind people don't need to use money in America because look at this shit, same exact size, all of it. You gotta look over each individual bill and figure out
which slave owner the handover. And while we're talking about your strange money, who decided a pyramid if a freaking eye was a normal thing to put on the dollar? Hey, rule a thumb, America. If Nick Cage can make a movie about your money, you're doing it wrong. Not to mention the pennies, Like why do these still exist when everyone's just trying to get rid of them? Even convenience stores have that take a penny, leave a penny dish. It's like an animal shelter for unwanted money. Did you
know that America actually loses money making pennies. If you're gonna have a hobby that loses you money, get a gambling addiction like a normal person. Okay, listen, your whole financial system is stupid and I hate it all right, the money, the tipping, the taxes. That's why I found a way to avoid dealing with it all together, all right. The secret is they can't tax you if they don't know you have it Oh so much easier robbing a bank in Europe.
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