TDS Time Machine | Summer (of the Shark)

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Summer two thousand and one will be remembered for many things, the g eight riots, stem cell controversy, and of course for me.

This was the summer I finally lost it on a camping trip. None of you know her, She's from Canada, but for many it was and remains Summer of the shark. Okay, the scene and colde Keith, Florida, where local officials have spotted hundreds of sharks gathering in what is perhaps the largest feeding frenzy ever witnessed. The frenzy included over two hundred sharks, or one shark for every six news reporters

Hey, have you got any sharks in the audience tonight?

Oh?

We got a couple.

Well, don't worry, I'll talk slow.

Oh boy, Hey Sarah, is that a hammerhead? Or are you just clumsy?

And check out the door sloppin over here? What'd you do? Eat? The whole?

Kayak? O, my kid?

But seriously, thing about shaky.

The end part there? That was the attack? All right? This gathering of sharks is the latest and what can only be inaccurately and hyperbolically described as a summer of terror for American beach goers. Our own chief ichthyologist, Matt Walsh, is down in Tampa, Florida right now.

Matt, what the hell is going on down.

There, Matt John, This gathering is actually an unprecedented World Shark Summit. Now, this is a g eight for predators. All the big sharks are here. Blue sharks, make those white tips. We've got a reef shark that swam all the way up from Trinidad and Tobago just to get here. John, I'm seeing hammerheads and bull sharks side by side. These guys haven't talked this openly since the I was gnawing in this Torso first controversy back in Galveston in eighty six,

I think I don't so. These sharks you're saying have actually gathered off the coast of Florida.

For a reason.

Yes, they're here to discuss a host of issues, mainly shark related over fishing, dental care. You got to remember, these guys have three times as many teeth as we do. They're also concerned about the way they're portrayed in.

TV and movies.

I mean, they saw a deep blue sea.

They're not amused all right, Matt, I understand there certainly seems though to be quite immediate presence. How close have you been able to get to the shark frenzy?

Not close at all, mainly because of all the protesters.

Protesters, surfers, bathers, people that have been barred from.

The now, John, tuna, albacore, yellowtail, huge schools of chunk lights, sashimi wearing critters.

What are they?

What are they protesting?

That one issue?

Mainly the being chased down and eating thing. Apparently they don't like it.

Well, it seems like the sharks are dispersing now. Is there is there any idea where the sharks might be going?

You know, I don't know really at all, John. I mean, Tampa's amazing. You got bush gardens here. The city's home to the third largest mall in Hillsboro County. They got four Starbucks there. This probably won't hit thet They won't go to the aquarium because it's like Ben here done that. The point is Tampa's an exciting place to be right now if you're a shark or a stripper.

John, thank you very much, Matt.

That was excellent, and they may be thank you. We'll be right back.

When a new story false the cracks, Lewis Black catches it with a segment we call back in black.

Well.

It's summer, which always reminds me of my childhood at camp, canoeing, roasting marshmallows, learning how to masturbate, or as we call it, a camp beating the tom tom. It's all about the beat. Nearly every adult who went to camp remembers it fondly, but like jerking off, some people just can't let.

Go Summer camp.

It is not just for kids anymore, because more and more places they're offering camps for adults.

All the fun things that you would do as a kilic, swimming, archery, ziplining, a rope course, even a talent show.

We have arts and crafts. There are also other camps there too, like Space Camp.

You get to go on an interactive space mission, build rockets and train like astronauts.

What the hell is wrong with these peeotball In my day, when you had a midlife crisis, you bought a red corvette and cheated on your wife. Now it's sharing bunk beds and making lanyards. Huh, Stop reinventing the wheel and don't get me started on space Camp. Kids go to space camp because there's still hope.

They'll go to actual space. When you're a grown up that spaceship has sailed.

It would be like trying to seduce Roy Moore when you're forty seven.

You're forty years too late. Oh why did you vote for it?

But there's another reason adults are going back to camp, and it ain't archery.

Play like a kid and party like a grown up is the motto at camp. No counselors and all inclusive weekend long sleep away camp for grown ups. The all inclusive package includes lodging, food and open bar, nightly parties, and tons of old school camp activities, wheelbarrow races and human hungry hungrya bote.

Oh yeah, boat.

I love getting wasted and then getting tossed like a salad.

Seriously, if I want to puke.

In a ball pit, I'll go to McDonald's like a normal person. Look, it's one thing for these forty year old toddlers to ruin camp, but I refuse to stand by and watch them room booze.

In these terrible times, it's all we have left.

And besides, if all the adults are in camp pretending to be kids, who's going to do all the adult stuff.

Kids Summer camps are putting away the canoes and the kayaks and instead, in some cases, teaching kids how to manage money.

Attractive options for families who want their children to learn about budgets and business.

Here, kids from seven to sixteen learn to crunch numbers for a product they'll later design, manufacture, and market.

Oh great, just what this country needs. Even younger Wall Street dooche pads. I can't wait to get my house repossessed by a banker who still wears a onesie. So I get why these kids are being sent to learn about money. Someone's got to pay for their parents to play drunken corn hole. Look, it's clear what's happening here. These camps track kids into doing work while the old folks have fun in the sun.

It's wrong, it's despicable, and I want in.

Hey, kids, why waste your summer groping each other in the woods when you can learn a trade here a tamp worker be You'll learn all sorts of skills, like mowing my lawn, doing my taxes, getting things that I point at, and as an elderly person, my clothes are old and frayed, So you'll also be doing some light sewing about two hundred sharks an hour.

Jake Croned's days tomorrow.

Don't spend the summer just sitting on your ass.

Spend it. Wipe that by it.

Last year, the media tried to tell us it was the Summer of the shark.

Smmer of the sharks, the Summer of the shark.

But they were just trying to scare us to boost their ratings. So what's the real deal? Miami c Aquarium shark expert Chris Plant set the record straight. Is this the summer of the shark?

No?

Shouldn't we be scared of these sharks?

No?

Really, to put in a perspective, more people are killed each year by falling coconuts than sharks.

Excuse me, wait, was that?

Did you say coconuts?

More coconuts kill people each year than charks do.

The figures don't lie. Ten deaths a year from shark attacks versus one hundred and fifty from head injuries due to falling coco nuts. To find out why these predators from above crave our skulls, I spoke with coconut attack expert Peter Varse just how dangerous? Are these coconuts?

Well, the kinetic energy of a falling coconut on the head is approximately a metric ton.

Do these coconuts kill for food or just sport?

I don't really understand that question.

But someone who does understand the question is coconut survivor g Jacobs. I asked her to recount her brush with the death nut.

I was cutting some shrubs that are underneath the tree, and then suddenly I heard a noise. Then there was this coconut.

Because I was not hit by.

It, Doctor Barse, is this the summer of the coconut?

Not?

To my knowledge at the moment.

One of the most serious hazards we face is injuries from people falling on stairs. The shocking truth is stairs take more lives every year than even coconuts, preying on the elderly and the uncoordinated safety code engineer Jamie Eisen are stairs the silent killer?

By silent killer, what do you mean by that.

In that they don't make noise and they can kill.

Way, Yes, if you're not careful.

Is it seemed clear that this is actually the summer of the stairs. That is until coconut survivor Jean Jacobs dropped this little bomb.

If one is not careful and are cautious in what they're doing, anything can be dangerous.

And by anything we mean, of course.

Uh, lightning on golf courses, duck.

Camel bites, bath cups can be dangerous.

I'm allergic to some fruits rawclineapple and occasionally strawberries.

I was worn in Havana, Cuba.

It turns out this is far from the summer of the shark. It's the summer of the anything.

Now, Uh, Stephen, what's specific?

Stephen?

Yes, John, Stephen, what are you doing down there? Just come on up, reporting, Come on, come on up, and and and and and talk to us about the report all the way up. Please come on.

I'm sorry. Is that bubble wrap?

Yes, John, get your own.

This is the only thing protecting me from the meteor strikes and from the peanut allergies.

Peanut, they're out there, John.

I understand.

It's a dangerous world.

John.

I know that you go down there to debunk the fear tactics of the news and you come back here wearing bubble wrap.

I got kids, John, I got to So.

What did you learn anything from going down to Florida?

Yeah, John, I did. I learned there's some things we should be afraid of and some not. But I'd say, if there's one thing we should be afraid of this summer, it'd be sharks.

Now.

They got teeth, they smell fear, John, they feast on human flesh, and they rule the night alight.

Thank you very much, Steve, and I appreciate your thoughts. Shots summer summer. People magazine called it this year's hottest season, and whether you're kicking back at a private beach or just letting your suv idle in the parking lot with the ac on full blast, I think we can all agree.

Cheers.

Hell beats living in Zambia, even if you were one of the tens of thousands of terrorists who flocked to the African nation to witness this morning's total eclipse of the sun. It's the first eclipse in two years, and the first in over three hundred years to take place on the summer solstice. It's a fact that some observers take as an ominous portent that this summer may bring with it many many more boring facts just like that.

One got a whole book about.

So what is it like to actually see a total solar eclipse.

The right sun is gone and it's replaced by this incredibly black disc surrounded by this pearly white corona surrounding the sun. It's a breathtaking event which makes the hair on the back of your neck stand out there.

Oh, it's bad news for anyone standing behind Dan Hdea. Even Ed Asner looks at that and goes, that's Harry. Meanwhile, in Britain, a fourteen and a half thousand strong crowd of Druids, New Age followers and people who look tend but are just dirty gathered at Stonehenge to watch the sunrise on the year's longest day. Police reported only five arrests during the celebration, off for minor drug offenses, and they praised the good natured crowd, whose good nature was

It's been really.

Peaceful, hasn't it.

It's been really nice. I'm saying, please, it's been like this.

I've had a really lovely night.

Yeah, you know, girl with chin stud has a good point, but what about guy with eyestud.

It's something that's needed organizing for a long time, and something they've organized it.

It's great.

Guy with ice Stud's right.

We still haven't heard from guy with chin stud and top of nose thing.

It's just still come together. The feeling in the circle itself is just immense.

Really, Guy with chin stud and top of nose thing. I think I'll miss you most of all. Makes a kind of nostalgic for the the news stories of summer's gone by. The ultimate summer nightmare in great white sharks are someming on the shark shark attacks, the summer of the shark.

I missed those days.

Nothing said summer like firing up the grill, mixing some G and t's and waiting for people to be mauled by fish.

Yeah, sharks of fish. You would tick the fish.

But the fish even though they lack a swim bladder. It's why they have to constantly move. They lack a swim blatt. I stay still in the water because I was born with three swim bladders. Three I'm basically nothing but swim bladder. I really, I haven't feel like my Wikipedia page just changed.

I was born with three swim blotters.

But summer wasn't just about sharks.

This may be the summer of shark scares, but on one New Hampshire beach, the scare came from a menacing bald eagle.

What kind of a.

Manner for sharks and alligators?

Chilling tales of killer mosquitoes?

Call the Sci Fi Network, pitch sharquitogator. There's a new species on the endangered list, man with multiple swim ladders. Look, I know, I know those years. I know, those years also featured the non scare predatory animal based stories. But Summer news Man, it was balanced. Like take the last year for example. Sure we may have had a little we are living in a dystopian nightmare where the government

That's what I'm talking about.

I missed that guy, the guy in the Bouech shirt, Not the other guy.

The other guy.

I don't miss a bout with the bouch shirt, The Oliver guy, the English gume is that guy. He was my brain. The heat has mushed your brains. Where's this year's fresh Secret Identity Celebrity dick pic? Wait, Secret Identity Celebrity Dick pick. That'd be another great show to pitch to. What's that? Oh, Bravos already making it all right? Isn't anything innocuous threatening our shores this summer?

A beach goer shot this video of a shark. You can see it wiggling there as it moves up to shore.

That's what I'm talking about. Now we're into it. Now, we got something done. Dona Dan da Da da dad.

Unfortunately, it was believe the shark was choking on a sea lion, because the shark died a short time later.

Can't catch a break. This summer has been so depressing. The sharks are committing suicide.

You know, there's so much arguing in America today, but we hear the Daily Show think they could be even more so.

To do our part, here's Ronnie Chang with another installments of Proved Me Wrong.

Ice Cream Vacations, Long Walks on the Beach, hte all that shit.

We're gonna prove me wrong Summer edition. Summer is the worst season Proved me Wrong?

Well, I would say summer is the season where everyone's the happiest. During the summer, everyone gets to come outside.

Everybody's shirt turns into a test.

But during the summer, when everyone's sweaty and grows, everyone's sweaty and gross. We're all equal during the summer.

So you're making a Marxist argument for BO during summer.

Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah, sorry, this is the free world. The top one percent should not have BO.

How do you smell?

Go ahead, smell me, I dare you smell the shit right now? You smell like me?

So you were the same.

That's a compliments. Pulls are better than ocean's proved me wrong.

Pulls are stinky.

They have nasty people that go in there.

They just get it.

They funky bodies and it's sweaty cells and it's PLoP up in there.

Yeah, you think people don't pee and poop in the ocean. It's not just people, by the way. You think whales are coming on land to take a ship, Yeah, if they want to, they're not. They're shitting in the ocean. It's whales, jellyfish, seals, it's off the pus, it's everything in there is just shitting into your mouth. Oceans are just poles that I'll try to kill you. The shock sightings have been here this last week.

There's five, like, did you see the shark? No? Interesting? Interesting?

Oh so your argument is I didn't see the sharks, so therefore the ocean is safe.

Good luck out there.

I've never seen a shark I myself, So.

What you're shot? Denial? The get food from the from pools.

Either there's no fish and pools, but in the ocean, I'd be sustaining myself fresh coconuts.

Fresh fish.

You can't eat anything near the ocean. Sand gets in it, Pooty, put your money where your mouth is.

This is food.

This is your food on the beach.

Dude.

Not good enough for you.

Okay, I got some bad news for you. There's no protein in sand. Thanks for the fries.

Thanks bro. Pigeons are better than seagulls. Prove me wrong.

Pigeons are literal like rats with wings. Genetically they used to be white, but then out of like Darwinism and like after all these years, they actually turn black to adapt to like certain environments, and they're so gross.

Why do you have to make this racial. I'll talk about pigeons as the seagulls, not why.

You watch No, but it's like it's over time, like they start genetically they used to be white, but genetically over time they like people.

Have been canceled for less than that, it goes a gross I don't be wrong with wire popsicles gross.

I don't need to watch someone for late a dessert eating as er as gross enough.

At least you can't deep throw it.

I'm sorry.

It prepares you for life.

That's a lot of work and there's lots of instances where you have to do things similarly to eating a popsicle.

You work in show business. No, but popsicles are good, man.

You got all the different kinds of flavors, like what fifty to fifty bars?

You got red an original pop sole, you got bomb pops.

No, no, those are flavors. Okay, so you tell me what flavor that is.

This is great and I absolutely love with Everybody hates on it, but it's so good.

Grapes don't taste like that in real life. Okay.

The guy who created the flavor grape clearly has never had a grape before.

Yeah.

See, no, that's you ate it like a pelican. You didn't even chew it. How did you do that. It's sticking to your beard. Now.

Oh oh that's so good.

Yeah, see that's no man. Popsicles on gross? You are gross?

What's wrong what you got against?

Popsicles are messy? They make my head?

Why you don't etre fast enough?

Ye can't put it in your mouth fast enough?

Why do you demonstrate right now?

Oh yeah, okay, that's very experience.

No mass, okay, no mass, you still have my lip closs on?

Okay, you know what that was?

Actually, as much as I want to hate on that, it's actually pretty impressive.

I feel like you actually did prove me wrong.

So you know what what's happening all right, is that.

What I win?

You get to wear the golden thong. You have now earned the right to take my place behind the prove you've clearly proven me wrong. That's what happens when you prove me wrong. No, you gotta take my place now. It's like highlander, You're right, now, take take my spot.

It's summertime, that wonderful time of the y year when the sun is out, kids are playing, and I sweat so much my shirt turns into a map of the Middle East. My nipple is the Gods' strip, you don't want to go anywhere near it, and on the hottest days you have a few options. You can hydrate, you can stay indoors, or you could always go to the beach.

But only if you want to die.

Sharks summertime close encounters scarish hass feet from shore. In South Carolina, a shark in knee deep water just feet away from swimmers, and in New Jersey, a sixteen foot great white feasting on a bag of bait before swimming away.

This year, Hawaii has already seen twice as many attacks as they did all of last year, and just last week, this great white was tracked near New York's Long Island.

When a white shark bites a person, it is a mistake because it thinks.

That that person is a sealed.

Wait a minute, so a white sharks biting you, it's a mistake. But if a black shark gets caught with just a little bit of weed.

It goes to jail for life. That doesn't seem fair. And also, what do you mean if I get.

Bitten, it's because I look like a seal, So now I'm getting eaten and body shamed. Talk about adding insult to injury. And if you're thinking, no problem, I'll just stay in the shallow water where it's safe.

Well, good luck, sucker.

There are new concerns about rare but potentially deadly flesh eating bacteria found in warm waters.

Potentially deadly bacteria can enter the body through a cutter of screen. According to the CDC, the bacteria causes eighty thousand illnesses and one hundred deaths in the US every year.

Just pay attention.

Don't be afraid of the ocean, but be aware of what's going on.

Where it's bacteria. What am I supposed to do?

Snorkele with a microscope, at least with a shark. I can hear the fin and the jaws music.

I can see the fin.

But flesh eating bacteria is a silent killer. Like Jason, It's what I've always respected about him. He's in it for the stabbing, not the hit shack. Also, what's with these bacteria? They never eat the flesh that I don't want. How about instead of my leg, why don't you guys take a nibble on my love handles. That way you still get to eat, and I don't look like a seal.

A warning about a surprising summer danger beach umbrellas flying through the.

Air, seriously injuring beach goers.

An Ocean City, Maryland in twenty fifteen. A bystander filming as the wind picks up these umbrellas and turns them into projectiles. The videos wild and the situations incredibly dangerous.

Over the last ten years, there have been reports of over thirty two thousand injuries related to umbrellas across the country.

Did you see that it's an umbrella uprising? We always thought it was gonna be the robots. We never suspected the umbrellas, and who can blame them for organizing?

We treat them like shit. They only get pulled out.

In the extreme heat of the rain. We're never like, oh, it's a beautiful day, my umbrella deserves a walk. But on the bus side, if you survive an umbrella impaling, at least you'll never need to buy sunscreen again. Sell whether it's sharks or bacteria or umbrellas, everything on the beach once you dead. But don't worry, kids, you can just simulate the experience at home. Just turn off your air conditioning, stand in the tub with a Pinut Colada, and shove a fistful of sand up your ass.

Happy summer, everybody.

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