TDS Time Machine | Stock Market Meltdowns

You're listening to Comedy Central.

October thirteen, two thousand and eight, from Comedy Central's World News headquarters in New York.

This is the Daily Show with Johnsto. That's right, it was don start.

I hope everybody had a great riga in there. For a second, I thought everybody was leaving tonight on the show. We got a good one. Author Amity Schlaves is going to be joining us.

She has written a book on the Great Depression, or as it's soon to be known, the First Great Depression. Now might seem strange you'd be discussing an economic downturn today as the Dow Jones Industrial was up nearly a billion points. It was up a thousand points on rumors that money does in fact grow on trees.

That's what they were spreading around. It was very exciting.

Everybody was excited for one day to see the stockbrokers jumping up into their windows. So tomorrow, of course, that will be down five hundred because.

We are being with But no matter what happens, there's still.

Good fun to be had during these tough economic times. I know it's rough the economy, but there's going to be an amusing tidbit if you just look hard enough. For instance, how about an unbelievably inappropriately named financial analyst.

The stock market is open tomorrow Columbus Day, and.

Art cashing director floor trading for ubs.

Art cash in. How the artifle is that? And after our cash in we go to rob a bank. That's the best, the best thing I saw in all this terrible news cashion.

I shouldn't laugh. Actually, my real name is John smart ass douchebag Stein, and financial advisors don't just have funny names, they're also presented on the financial networks in humorous fashion. A few weeks ago, we showed you CNBC's incredible octabux technology.

Octobux. It's named, of course, for its creator, German scientist handing the capter box. That's right, that's another funny name. We're working on Columbus Day.

Where are you at?

The octabox of course unveiled when seven commentators couldn't properly analyze the situation. But these are tough times. What if eight pundits isn't enough. What if the enormity of this economic collapse is so huge that even eight of the financial industry's.

Smallest headed people.

Can't figure it out, Ladies and gentlemen. For the first time ever on CNBC, Behold the majesty of the deca box. Ten pundits, ten bonzes. I cannot believe we, ever as a society, got by with just eight. Now, I know what you're thinking. I see nine or more boxes at the same time. I better see Bruce Valanche in one of those squares. And who knows, maybe he's in one of these boxes. I can't make out any of their faces. Maybe ten is too much, Maybe we're just not ready.

All right, Chuck, you're ready.

Nomy's, Nomy's Nommy's, no ammys, no Army's stopped.

That was that was.

That was a long walk for that joke. Anyway.

That was Vince Farrell, c IO of Solel Securities Group, Incorporated, who I thought had added a lot to the conversation.

Up to that point.

So what are we gonna do to ease the credit crunch and get banks loaning money again? Well, last month Treasury Secretary Paulson made clear what we won't do.

Just there are some that said we should just go and stick capital into banks. That's what happened in Japan. But what we said, the right way to do this is not going around and using guarantees or in j capital. That's the Japanese solution.

Stupid Japanese always injecting money.

Perverts.

Besides, we all know the Japanese solution didn't even work. Their economy has been stagnant for fifteen years. There's no way we're ever going to be so desperate.

Pressury Secretary Hank Paulson plans to inject money directly into the nation's banks that needed turning Jepanese.

I think that turning tepandies.

I really think so.

I'm a bad Pitzer.

For more on the financial meltdown, we go to senior financial analyst Wyatt Sinat.

Why, thanks very much to go on there.

Doing that puts on, Sorry, this wild market activity we've been seeing, Wyatt, people are scared.

Not just scared, John, scared less. There's a big.

Difference why the volatility.

Why why volatility frequently occurs when everyone suddenly realizes that the stock markets just a consensual mass delusion based on fictitious valuings of abstract assets. You know, it's like finding out Santa Claus is real because you catch him robbing your house.

So what is stable then, is if it's all fictation? What about gold?

You think so, but it turns out gold is just a shiny metal for right now, I mean really shiny, but it's still just metal. But right now you want to put your investment dollars in things you can.

Eat and.

No, no, it's true, things are delicious and weapons.

You also want to put it in weapons so that you can kill things and then eat them. Oh, and make sure you buy some fire too, because you can't keep.

The marauders away without fire.

Are there any other tips for investors other than survivalist mantras? Anything to keep them calm?

Well?

You know those numbers on the right side of your screen, the Dow, the Dow Jones. No, I think it's called the Uppy Downy Index.

Watch that all the time.

It's a real time running indicator of the health of the economy, and it alone reflects not only our country's well being, but your value as a human being as well. Never take your eyes off it, seriously, what sh I'm watching them?

I've been doing it since Friday?

All right, open and bil We're down about seven hundred points.

Back into positive territory, up three hundred points.

Yes, no, no, what are you doing?

Yes?

Yes, yes, no, no, no no, huzzah and rich bitch a man. I don't know what the hell is going on.

Why you do you even own why do you even actually own any stock?

No, but I own a boatload of fire.

Wyatt's andac everybody. We'll be right back.

The continued confusion of the worldwide economy is the subject of Tonight's cluster to the Poorhouse. You know, during an economic crisis, Americans.

Need steady so leadership.

Now they say that some leaders are born great, some achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust upon them, and then there's.

This guy who.

Who couldn't buy great at a great store that was going out of business and had to get rid of all there.

Great.

Thank you for the warm welcome. I'm pleased to be here at Guernsey Office Products. Thank you very much, David for being an entrepreneur, a dreamer, a doer.

A dreamer. I run an office supply store. Don't patronize me.

You underestimate my dreaming capacity, missed the President. I sell highlighters, but my dream is to play professional.

Poker and to bang the Olsen Twins please.

But with the economy vacillating between disastrous and disastrous even for South America, the President proved he still wasn't afraid to take questions from a carefully selected group.

I want to just say thank you very much for understanding the importance of credit.

I thank you so much, thanks for hanging in there. You really did a great job. Because I was I was.

I really wasn't convinced until I just heard you.

Thank you.

Guernsey Office products, What could that be a front for?

In fact, only one.

Person there are the guts to take President Bush to task.

My first question is a small business owner, is what are you going to do about it? President Bush? I paid my mortgage, I paid my bills.

What are you doing?

You're terrible at this, And don't get me started on your foreign policy. You like the anti King Midas. Everything you touched turned.

Then the Secret Service forcibly escorted the President away from himself. Now, obviously, the economic crisis has real consequences for real people, which is why it's surprising that the news networks will only explain the crisis to those real people's children.

What happens on Wall Street affects all of us on Main Street.

It's the classic Domino.

Effect, Domino like the pizza. I have a hard time visualizing your point.

No, no, I get it.

Our economy is six dominoes. Hey, that looks pretty good.

It seemed very stable architecturally, they're all standing upright.

No, no, did not see that coming.

But if I understand your analogy correctly, and I think that I do, you're saying that for America, is the economy to get better, we need to space our banks further apart.

Or perhaps.

Build them, build the original lending institutions in a pre flattened state, ranch style banks, if you will. All right, so you've explained the economy to nine year olds. But I know a six year old with a lot of money in the market, and he finds the Domino explanation obtuse.

We asked our Robert Kroulwich to explain, and he said he could explain it best with a cartoon.

Let's start with one hundred dollars bills sitting in a back Okay, in a good economy, a banker is going to lend that hundred to say a farmer who says Now that I've got the money, I can buy seeds from the seed people, a tractor from the tractor people, who spray from the pesticide people. But then this year a bunch of housing loans went bad and bankers got nervous.

Ah, very nervous.

I like bouncing things.

Can anyone explain this to me? Look, I don't run a hedge fund, but my brain is attached to my spinal cord.

Uh.

Anybody, our economics correspondent Paul Salmon will now explain.

Thank you, PBS credit default swaps.

As of last year, according to an industry group, there were not sixty two million dollars, not sixty two billion dollars, but sixty two trillion dollars worth of credit default swaps out there.

Seems to me like the economy is so bad that this guy had to move back in with his grandmother.

Paul Salmon, are.

You putting the zeros on the coffee table again?

No, grandma, use a coaster. I'll use a coaster.

I'm explaining a national calamity. But bring me some juice, dear.

You know, we just went through like.

We just went through an insane week. Everything seems very unpredictable, even terrifying. It's good to know there's one thing we can always count on.

There's a storm coming one we're all going to feel.

It's called inflation.

Now it's time to buy gold.

Gold gives me freedom from all the financial madness in the world.

Gold is the time tested currency that goes up knocked down.

You know that convicted felon makes a lot of sense, although if I recall, he didn't think he or Nixon would ever go down either.

Gold it's the ultimate fearheade.

When the dollar fails and the world plunges into a dystopian nightmare, vicious tribes warring for dwindling necessities, You'll always have gold. Excuse me, good sir, you look like a man who appreciates what the finer things. Might I interest you in some krugerrands in exchange for some of your processed combustion engine fuel.

No, how about that I become your wife.

Fortunately, that's never gonna happen, because gold goes.

Up, not down.

But we know gold is plunged about twenty five percent from its peak in the middle of twenty eleven, and it got.

Crushed in recent days all of a sudden, that trapdoor opened up, and gold felt.

The biggest one day drop in prices in thirty three years on Monday, with prices falling one hundred and forty dollars.

I'm calling it a crash in the last two days, a crash and a half, well.

A crash and a half.

That is bad news for gold investors and also a terrible movie sequel.

So it turns out gold.

Reacts to supply, demand, fear, and hubris like every other commodity in the history of markets.

Unless the only thing I have.

To fear is the government, quite frankly, the government lying to you, the media telling you the truth. I mean, gold is the original gold standard, and something doesn't smell right.

I've missed you so much.

So the choice is clear.

Either internationally overpriced commodity had a totally normal, predictable price correction, or everyone in the world's free markets, media and government is lying to trick us into selling our precious gold. And if we can't trust the c NBC ticker, who should we listen to.

Don't listen to anyone but yourself, do your own homework, use your common sense, and then listen to the ultimate advisor.

God you know what.

You are absolutely right, just out of curiosity.

Let me see here, what does God say about idolizing gold as if it has supernatural powers?

Let me see here, joke thirty one, Right here, job thirty one. If I have put my.

Trust in gold or said to pure gold, you are my security, I would have been unfaithful.

To God on high.

That's kind of ambiguous.

All right, Let's try another one. Ah Exodus, my favorite chapter thirty two. Oh what a great sin these people have committed. They have made themselves gods of gold or in other words.

I'm daughters.

I believe that's a cell. You know, the whole point of turning to God for gore?

Once?

John, I think we have something we can agree on.

Oh my god, it's a great millionaire. You are still a millionaire?

Right?

You are still a millionaireriter? Or did you lose it all in gold?

John?

I'm no rude.

What I want with some tawdry nugget than any smelly prospector with a pan can scoop out of a country crick.

I don't think it's ridiculous.

Do you think this random substance has some intrinsic value that's immune to market force?

It's completely ridiculous, John, I'm gold. It's no beryllium.

Yes, it's what beryllium.

Yes, that's a different random substance, but this one is immune to market forces. Here let me show you on my periodic table of invest elements. Now here is gold, that is garbage, platinum and silver going the same way.

Sure, sure, sure, sure share.

So what do you want to invest in?

John?

Helium is always fun party helium.

You can't make a commemorative coin out of helium. First rule of invest elements, John Noble gases returns goodbye.

But but you're talking about beryllium, brillium.

All understand instinctively the timeless allure of beryllium. That's where all deranged millionaires put our money. And now thanks to me, so can you? Oh hey, I'm John Hodgman for beryllium. You know, don't let people scare you into buying gold. Let me scare you into buying beryllium, prized by human civilization since nineteen fifty seven. For its drab gray color, beryllium is as versatile.

As it is solid.

Look these beautiful dimes, now that I've coated them in rare beryllium dust, I'm selling them for three hundred thousand dollars now. Brilliants not just for coating coins. It can also be fashioned into some beautiful jewelry. Berrillium invest in the future, caution, do not fashion into beautiful jewelry. Brilium is highly corrosive to human skin. Earlium is a Category one percinogen. In relation of brillium dust, this is a lung disease name as brilliums. That's burning my head.

Wow, that's an intriguing product. I can't help noticing you're losing some hair now.

Well the risks are outlined another molar. So how much brillium can I put you down for a job?

All right, I'll get back to you.

Thank you, everymum, Sean Hodgman, everybody will be right back.

Hard the stock market it's like a casino without the buffets. And for the last twenty four hours it's been on a wild ride.

Breaking news tonight, market meltdown as the coronavirus spread. Stocks take a nose dive, the Dow closing down more than two thousand points, the market's worth day since the two thousand and eight financial crisis.

Wall Street's wild ride continued today.

The Dow surged after President Trump talked about an economic stimulus plan. You see, stocks rallied in that final hour of trading, up eleven hundred points to finish the day at twenty five eighteen.

Man, the stock market is crazy.

Yesterday it crashes, then today it surges again, like it's so extra right now. It's always weird to me how the stock market never seems to have any sense of history all right, because it's like everything that happens is happening forever, and then everything that's good as happening for.

It's almost like the way dogs.

That's who seems like they run the stock market, right, because that's how dogs out.

Whatever's happening is happening forever. When you leave the house, they're just like, oh no, you're leaving, You're going, You're going forever. I'm gonna start. I'm gonna die, Oh my god. And then you come back, they're like, your home, You're never gonna leave. That says so great, we're gonna do this. WoT you're going again. I'm gonna die. Just breathe, stock market.

But yes, the stock market dropped two thousand points yesterday, wiping out five hundred and twenty eight billion dollars, which I'll be honest, I never understand because like, where did it go?

What do you mean you lost five hundred and twenty eight billion? Like is that? Every time they say that, I'm like, have you checked your other jeans? That's where most of the money is.

And a lot of people are afraid of the market these days, But I'm making money consistently on the stock market.

I'll even share my tip with you. Guys.

Forget investing in companies. What I do is I put all my money in green lines that go up and red lines that go down. Yeah, I make a fortune no matter what. I also don't understand finance, and I normally don't feel sorry for Wall Street with the coronavirus. I feel like they're going through a lot, Yeah, because the one thing guys on Wall Street like to do when Wall Street is crashing is the one thing you're not allowed to do because of Corona put your hands on your face.

Yeah. So they spent all day yesterday like, oh no, my money, oh no Corona, Oh no, my money, oh no, Corona.

Big news from the stock markets. You know the app that they pre install on your phone to make you feel dumb. Since the stock market recovered from the COVID tumble in twenty twenty, Wall Street has been having a blast, and the more stocks you owned, the better time you were having, which is why Warren Buffett has got those

Eyes on Wall Street once again this morning was yes.

Today the stocks plummeted, pushing the SMB five hundred official into bear market territory.

The dal Jones industrials now sixteen percent lower for the year, the tech and biotech heavy NASTAC down thirty percent year to date, and the broader SMP index common in Americans portfolios sliding into bear market territory, down twenty one percent this year. Real money that Americans have sked to one day retire, pay for kids, college, or a new house. The advice from most financial experts, despite the high stress and the anxiety, don't panic.

There's no need to panic.

The truth of the matter is don't panic.

Sorry, what did they say?

I was too busy chugging that a comicky large bottle of Xena.

I'm not panic, by the way, I'm just addicted to pills. But yes, people, these are scary times for stocks because we are now officially in a bear market, which is when people are so broke they have to blow Paddington in a parking lots.

Oh heavens, Oh heavens, Oh heavens.

Obviously I'm joking, joking, Paddington doesn't have a penis. A bear market is basically when the SMP has dropped twenty percent from its previous high, which for many can be very stressful. Yeah, right now, everyone who's looking at their a trade account. It feels like the same way you look when you know, when you're looking at your ex's wedding photos on Instagram, You're just.

Like, why why do I keep looking?

Why?

Why am I I'd like my mistake?

No, I liked it.

Now I have to comment, I wish you all that bears DA.

But even if you don't own stocks, a bear market is often a signal that a recession might be coming, and that affects everybody.

The economy slows down.

Unemployment goes up, Africans become president, and your mom starts buying the generic cereals with the knockoff mascots.

Yeah, Terry the Tiger says they're adequate.

And by the way, it's not just the stock market that's falling right now.

Yeah, crypto is crashing even harder, with bitcoin plummeting sixty seven percent from its high, which.

I find really interesting.

Because for like the past ten years, every single crypto bro I've met has told me that crypto would protect me when the mainstream economy failed.

You heard them, they were everywhere.

Crypto people would act like you were the crazy one for not investing your life savings into a coin some Swedish teenager invented last week.

Oh you not in Doggie monkey coin?

What a loser.

You know what's even crazier is that the crypto crowd is blaming Biden for this. No, here's here's the thing.

You can blame a president for a lot of things, inflation, unemployment, not being able to cheer for your son Brandon in a soccer game without it becoming a whole thing.

But you can't blame it for crypto. No, my man, if an.

Eighty year old man who doesn't even know what bitcoin is can crash your crypto, then your crypto ain't shit.

I said it.

Yeah, I know you're.

Mad that your Jenga tower fell down, but that's what happens when you play Jenga.

Because remember, like, this is what they said to everybody. They said, old crypto is gonna.

Save you from the market.

That's what crypto is.

It protects you.

They made it seem like it was a parachute that would protect us all from the economy. And then now the plane is crashing, and then it turns out the parachute is attached to the plane.

You're like, what is this, Oh, it's all going down.

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