TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day

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In America, our own young people are taking up a similarly passionate cause. Yes, America's youth have rallied around the noble flag of the New Star Wars Movie, Episode one, The Fandom Menace. It is a period of nerdy anticipation. Teens with rebellious acne striking from hidden poors have begun their first battle against the evil Galactic Empire. Boys who girls like Let's hear from someone who's taking up the cause. You de man, Yoda Man.

I'll see this movie most likely six times in one day, the very first showing me in the midnight show, and after that the noon show, the four PM show, the seven PM show, the ten PM show, and the midnight show the next day.

He reportedly added. After that, I'll go home, be treated for scabies, and bury my dog in case you've been frozen in carbonite for the last six months. The New Star Wars Movie, Episode one, The Phantom Menace, opens next Wednesday. We sent our own Vance to Generous Demand's Chinese Theater in Hollywood, where fans have been waiting in line for six weeks. Vance will be living with them until the movie opens. So here it is our Star Wars the

Well, John, it's Hollywood, and excitement is Hollywood's middle name, especially when it comes to long lines.

John, I went out and put.

Together a little piece today. Let's take a look at it. Excuse me? How long have you been waiting this line?

Spot? Ten seconds? How about thirty seconds? About a minute? How long are you prepared to wait? Not very long? And yet another line moving?

Yet?

Certainly a line. Has it affected your family anyway?

Has it affected your job at anyway?

You're annoyed at having to wait?

Yes?

Yes, but we're not really waiting for anything.

So, as you can clearly see, John, here in Hollywood, lines are a horse of a different color, Advance.

Not that those aren't really good lines, but we say to Hollywood to cover the fans in line at the Chinese theater for the opening of the new Star Wars movie.

My mistake, John, I'm sorry.

I thought you sent me out here to do a story on lines in general.

But that makes much more sense. Excellent idea, John.

We'll go on over to the Chinese Theater and get your sleeping bag and get in line. We'll see you Monday. Dan's the Generous live somewhere in Hollywood at Man's Chinese Theater. In Hollywood, fans have been in line for six weeks for the opening of Star Wars The Phantom Menace. Our own as the Generous, has been camping out for five days and he's met some very interesting characters. So here it is Star Wars, the obligatory coverage, Flashy Dance, Degenerous

I have to tell you my sleeping bag has a funny smell, and last night a hobo stepped on my finger.

Well, what's the atmosphere like there.

Vance, Well, John, During the day, it's pretty tame, but after midnight it's sort of like being a kid at a circus, only without the wild animals and tents or fun. Add Instead of clowns, you have crack fueled gang members piling out of cars. Fortunately, I'm protected by line dwelling Star Wars fanatics wielding toy lightsabers, and the force.

Well, speaking of the Star Wars fans. How about introducing us to some of the fans.

You bet, John will meet some super fans who have incredibly long, endless minusha field stories about which Rebel Alliance military insignia is coolest.

Well, we're getting a little tight on time, Vance, So why don't you talk to the experson the salves the fans.

Absolutely, John, that's an excellent idea, because who else would be able to go on and on and on for days on end acting out scenes from Star Wars and scenes they made up, and songs about Star Wars they made up, songs like Dolmo Arigato, mister R two D two.

All right, Well that's great, Vance, Let's let's meet him. Let's let's take a look at the fans and have it.

All right?

All right, say no more, Advance. Maybe we'll get that song next time. Well, we'll have another live report from Vance the Generous tomorrow. Good luck out there, Vance. Right now at Man's Chinese Theater in Hollywood, diehard fans have been in line for weeks for the opening of the new Star Wars movie. Our own Vance Degenerous has been camping out with the fans soaking up this once in a lifetime opportunity. We now continue with Star Wars the

What fans?

Are you all right? What happened to your clothes and your hygiene?

I ran out of food and water, so I sued my suit for some fresca. I hope it's fresca. Did you know you can cook a roach with a single match fance?

I had no idea this was going on. What about the other fans in line? How are they holding up? Are they going to be able to hang on for the opening of the movie?

Movies?

We sent you out there to cover the opening of Star Wars movie.

I like movies, but not sad ones. Did you know you can turn an ordinary egg carton into a handy portable latrine and it takes over six minutes for three seven hundred and fifty two ants to watch us six.

Feet concentrate dvance. Now we heard a rumor George Lucas himself is going to be at the Chinese theater for the first showing of the film. That's that's exciting.

Isn't it maybe?

Well, Vance, can you tell us anything about Dvance? Can you tell it Vance? A Well? Tomorrow, hopefully we'll have an actual report on the movie from Vance, degenerous, Vance, degenerous, Ladies and gentlemen.

Ah.

Here it is day fifty two of our obligatory Star Wars coverage. Nine bucks new Star Wars movie premieres, fans say better than Spaceball's. Following a barrage of hype that makes you wistful for the soft cell of Titanic, Fans gathered for the midnight opening of Star Wars, allowing George Lucas to finally pay off his student loans. Excited fans stage these unbelievably realistic light saber battles, recreating a classic scene where two Jedis fight over an eight dollars milk dud.

Boxes and.

Welcome back to the program. This past Sunday was a banner day for fans of the Star Wars series, as Fox aired the first glimpse of the latest installment of the Saga Attack of the Clones. Joining us now are a resident expert in all things science fiction, Stephen Colbert. Stephen, you worked with Bradbury, with Huxley, understudied many of them. What did you think of this particular trailer, John.

I loved it. The special effects.

Were mind blowing, the editing was crisp.

Jimmy Smit's was in it. I don't want to tell you the ending, but but what the heck, I'll just show it to you.

Your first chance to see the trailers for Star Wars. Look at this now.

For those of you who don't know how to read, they're telling you that this is the exact same trailer you can see this Friday during previews before the showing of the new Fox animated classic Ice Age.

I have got to see that Ice Age. No, the new Star Wars trailer. But it's it's the same trailer you just saw right right right, But it's going to be on the big screen in a big theater.

I can't impress upon you how the largeness of it will increase its size. You see, at home, I'm bigger than my TV. But in a movie theater, the screen dwarfs me. That the TV trailer has only wet my appetite. The feast is this Friday.

So you're you're really looking forward to this movie?

No?

Did you not like episode one? No?

I love the trailer, but I heard the movie was terrible. You know, it was like one hundred and thirty three minutes. I could watch thirty or forty trailers during that same time.

You just like trailers?

What's not the like John?

I mean, you got the buttery voice narrator asking me to imagine a world where something happens, or every so often a film comes along that does something. You know, I love the excitement when the trail tailer is fun and upbeat and then you hear that needle scratch, like and everything sort of stops, and then someone mugs for the camera like whoa, whoa what? Or when someone's about to say a dirty word. Then they cut to a tanker truck exploding.

Like suck my.

You know that, that, my friend, is trail ertainment.

It is it is it is you don't like movies at all.

I love movies, John, I just don't see why they have to be so long. You know, nobody walks out of trailers because they're perfect. And in fact, there is nothing in this world that wouldn't be better in trailer form. I mean, take this Star Wars commentary for instance, wouldn't have been a lot better if we had just done it like this.

In a world where one man loved.

It, John, I loved it. Jimmy Smith's was in it.

He's about to get more than he bargained for.

I'm pregnant.

Movies are just watered down trailers.

The Stephen Colbert trailer commentary, winner of the coveted bomb Doors Suck Mine coming to the Daily Show three minutes ago, John, Thank you Stephen.

Stephen Colbert. Everybody, We'll be right back. A deafening screech, pink eyes beaming from the darkness. A monstrous white form streaks past you, leaving only a gelatinous trail of fetid stench. A monster. No, it was your live at home son. Going to get the new Star Wars toys might be a good time to hose out his layer. Yes, has Bros. Unleashed it's episode two Attack of the Clones toy line a full three weeks before the much enter a pated release of the Star Wars installment sure to be hot.

The line is fabulous.

You know this movie is rich with.

Characters, with content, with vehicles and scenes that are really very exciting.

You heard it here first xtree Xtree Star Wars Episode two is going to feature content, vehicles, and scenes that guy can sell anything. Also, in anticipation of the film's release, a video of John Williams and the London sem of the Orchestra performing a track and title Across the Stars premiered on TRL earlier this week. Imagine that was shortly after the premiere of MTVS Becoming Yo Yo Ma the

Joined me everyone, and together we will destroy.

In the film, Lee plays the role of Darth Tyrannus. The name Darth is used for many villains in the Star Wars movies, including Darth Vader and Darth Maul. It's been reported George Lucas has already chosen as Darth for Episode three. Characters so nefarious he could only be named Darth Darth, I am your father, seriously, Finally a reason to live. Star Wars Episode something, Attack of the Thingers

Believe it or not.

The film's marketing was considered low key by Hollywood blockbuster standards, with only twenty five million spent in advertising, even though Yoda was on the cover of Time magazine last month, was only to discuss his crippling addiction to diet pills and myself and like, oh you read it, there we go.

Oh, come on, Yoda, it wasn't that bad. Well, Star Wars episode two, Attack of the Clones has landed, and the good news is it's an improvement over Star Wars episode one. The Phantom Menace, of course, just leaving the theater after episode one was an improved on episode one. Since nothing I say, we'll stop you from seeing this blockbuster. Here's what happens. The pod racing little kid from Phantom Menace has grown up to be a member of the Thompson Twins.

We all know.

Big Anakin played by Hayden Christiansen is going to turn into Darth Vader, but for now he's doing his heavy breathing over Natalie Portman. She plays padme Ahmadala. She used to be queen, but now she's just a senator, just like Hillary Clinton.

Must be difficult, having sworn your left to the Jedi, not being able to do the things you like.

I want to be with the people that I love.

Are you allowed to love?

These two couldn't have less chemistry if they were in separate movies and between uncomfortable kisses.

There's a lot of mumbo jumbo about.

Trade sanctions, senate deliberations, and separatist movements.

The Senate must vote the chancellor emergency Palace. As my first act, I will create a grand Army of the Republic.

Fun It's like sea spam with lasers.

Do you have any idea who's behind this attack?

Of course George Lucas. The real love story in episode two is between old George and one hundred and forty million dollars worth of computer generated special effects, most of it for Natalie Portman's hair. There are some saving graces here, including some fantastic production design, legitimately exciting action sequences, and Jedi candy. Ewan McGregor is Obi wan Kenoby. Whenever he's

In grave danger?

You are?

You know you're in trouble when a computer generated lawn ornament is the most natural actor in your movie. In the end, Attack of the Clones is short on substance and long on style and just playing long went to bathroom twice, this reviewer did begun discorn war has whatever back to you, John my Boba fetish.

Thank you break. This past weekend, you may have experienced a strange sensation, something that can only be described as a disturbance in the Force, specifically the salesforce. Toy and retail stores nationwide celebrated the upcoming premiere the sixth and final Star Wars movie, Revengeley Sith, with a midnight roll out of a brand new line of merchandise. Among the top offerings, this talking Yoda doll a cool new way

We give kids the opportunity to choose between the light side and the dark side of the forest.

By the way, did you know that the true identity of the emperor? Hasbro official Brian Goldman so how to rally the GOP troops for the upcoming fall election, a rededication to the party platform or review of their recent accomplishments or you could produce an eight minute parody of Star Wars called Election Wars, in which Democratic Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi is Darth Nancy, evil cohort of sinister figures like Howard Dean and the dreaded Campaign Committee Chair Ram Emmanuel.

They had a plan to defeat Darth Nancy with a strategy built from the ground up, and it was up to their battle tested incumbents to carry it out. They vound to band together once more to deny the majority to Darth Nancy and the Evil Democrat Empire.

Evil Democrat Empire. I got news for you. If we're going to do the Star Wars analogy, the Democrats are at best ewoks.

At that.

Believe me, you'd be pumping up their egos to call them jawas. Why care the Republicans just admit it. You're in charge. You control the White House, both Houses of Congress, the Supreme Court. You're not a bunch of ragtag rebels fighting the Empire.

You're Besides the Star Wars thing, the Star Wars thing is laying anyway, It's an outdated nerdy reference.

It doesn't even begin to I know.

You masturbated to me in the seventies.

I know you masturbated to me in the seventies.

You know.

I always dreamed she saw that, but I never thought she did.

Disney released a new Star Wars show on their streaming platform, Disney Plus, which I've heard is good but not as good. That's Paramount Plus.

Now, this Star Wars show.

Is not the one about the Mandalorian, and it's not the one about Boba fet No. This one is about Obi Wan Kenobi, the galaxy's most powerful hobo.

And anyone can see where this is going.

All right, it's just like show off the show on Disney. You see what they're doing, now, you get it. They plans to release a show about every character in Star Wars. It's genius, like a ton of money. Personally, I can't wait for the job of the hot sitcom. What I know, she broke your hard, Joba, but you gotta start dating again.

Oh oh oh do CoV god bar.

Dude, channing her up and putting it in a gold bikini doesn't count as a date.

Silly.

That show's also premier next week.

Anyway.

The Obi Wan Kenobi show is introducing a lot of new characters to the Star Wars franchise, but there is one character in particular who isn't getting the warmest welcome from the fans.

This morning, Obi Wan Kenobi himself putting his force behind costar Moses Ingram, where after social media users launched racist attacks against her after her debut in the Jedi Knights new series.

She brings so much to the series. She brings so much to the franchise, and it just sickened me to my stomach to hear that this has been happening. We stand with Moses, We love Moses, and if you're sending her bullying messages, you're no Star Wars found in my mind.

Moses, sharing she had received hundreds of racist messages following the series premiere.

There's nothing anybody can do to stop this hate. I think the thing that bothers me is they're like sort of this feeling that I've had inside of myself, which no one has told me, but this feeling of like I just gotta shut up and take it, and I'm not deal like that.

Neither should you be.

No one should have to just shut up and take racism. I agree with that, especially in Star Wars, like what is this? What is this?

You racist?

Installed? Like from the very beginning, this has been a series where no one thinks twice if Harrison Ford is best friends with a giant dog bear, or if a brother and sister want to smash, no one complains about

There's so many more opportunities for racism than just black people. Mix it up, broaden your horizons, you know. Or is the ewok saying never? You know, I gotta think bigger.

It really is.

Get out there.

And you know, it's really great that even McGregor made a video supporting his co star. But I think Star Wars needs to come back even harder at the racists. Really make them suffer. You should give Princess Leah and you black boyfriend.

Yeah, that's right, it's gonna be a dope scene. It's gonna come back in and be like, hey, yo, Leya, I got the plans for the Death Star We going tonight.

Star Wars, the sci fi movie that made incest cool. For almost fifty years, James Earl Jones has been the voice behind Darth Vader, the most famous villain in movie history and most famous asthmatic. But on Friday, Disney announced that the force is gonna be moving on.

James Old Jones is reportedly retiring from voicing Darth Vader, but Star Wars fans may not even notice. Vanity Fair says the ninety one year old actor has signed off on a plan to use artificial intelligence to craft new dialogue from his old voice recordings.

You say the little mum maid becomes black and they take away gentle Jones.

Hi, I told you that'd be backlash.

I told you.

Oh no, I'm joking.

I'm joking. I'm joking.

The legendary actor has retired from doing the voice. That's all that happened. And what's interesting to me is that you hear what they said. Instead of trying to find someone else to voice the pod, Disney has said they're gonna use artificial intelligence to replicate Darth Vada's voice.

Yeah, I don't know.

People, this makes me a little nervous. Yeah, we think AI is gonna take over the world, and now we're gonna teach it to use the dark side of the force.

No one thinks this.

Is a bad idea, But I get it. I get it.

I mean that voice is iconic, you know, it belongs in Darth Vader's body or announcing CNN promos.

But that's it.

That's the last thing we need. The last thing we need is them opening the role up to like other famous people, like they could. You know when they do that with roles, and then it becomes weird, you know. Can you imagine Darth Vada being voiced by someone else? Luke, I am your father, but until your mama shows me the paternity test, you can just call me uncle Doth.

I'm far our main story tonight. I am your father. That's right, Luke, I am your daddy.

And yes, that upsets me as much as it upsets you, Luke.

A lot of.

People are saying I'm your father, Luke.

They're saying they've.

Never seen a bed of father, and they're right.

I love all my children.

It's you, It's Ivanka, and that's it.

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Here it is You're on you May the Fourth be with you. It is Star Wars Day and.

That means it is time Jen to get out those lightsabers.

A console will be made listen.

We ah, she even does this append you're not my mother? Do we like light savor each other?

I mean, I guess we could get the hair that's a wok man's