Hey, it's me Michael Costa. The Daily Show is on break for the holidays, but in the meantime we put together some special highlights just for you. We'll be back in the new year on January seventh with all new episodes.
What's up, Scrub, I'm.
Ronnie chat and I'm Jordan Klepper. This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other.
That's right, I mean that's wrong.
Yeah, no, you're wrong. Let's get right to the biggest story of the night. Caitlyn Clark made her pro debut and learned everything gets a little less fun after college.
Welcome to the WNBA.
Caitlyn Clark, the NCAA's all time Division one scoring leader, made her professional debut on the road with the Indiana Fever last night. She got off to a slow start, though, missing her first four shots before scoring on a layup midway through the second quarter.
Clark finished with.
Twenty points in the fevers ninety.
Two to seventy one loss to the Connecticut Sun.
She also committed ten turnovers.
Sorry feminists, ten turnovers, and a team lost by twenty points in her first game.
I've seen enough, man, I think Caitlin.
Clock is the worst basketball player in history. She's tall, she's white, and she didn't show up when it matters. She's the Jordan Klepper of the WNBA Iron.
I'm gonna hit you with my car and leave the scene. Let's look at the stats here, Roddie. Look at these things. She scored twenty points. That's four more than Michael Jordan had in his rookie debut, which mathematically makes her stronger, faster, and better equipped to open a steakhouse than Michael Jordan.
About stats, I have a stat right here for you. Okay, look at this. Jordan Klepper didn't lose his virginity until he was thirty eight.
Man, you're the good of whatever that is.
Okay, here's your stat right here each ship. Okay, moving on. We are officially seventy two days away from the Olympics in Paris, and the organizers are finding themselves in deep duty, literally.
Huge effort to get the River ten fit for use in the Olympic Games. A report from earlier this month of the bacteria, including pollution of fecal origin, was far higher than the river permitted. Experts say that even a rainstorm could raise e coli to an unacceptable level, and Olympic organizers still hope that the River Sen can be used for the swimming events.
Ooh, the River Save is filled with E coli. That is gross. These athletes are going to pick up a disease at the Olympics. It should be the old fashioned way, unprotected sex in the Olympic village, the only way to do it, the only way to.
Do it usual, Jordan. I think the Olympics needs more E coli? Okay, because if your wall class athlete, then prove it by pole vaulting with active diarrhea.
You love you love, you love eco love, Lonnie, you love it. You look the last time I came to your house for a barbecue, you were sprinkling ecoli on chicken kebab like Salt Bay. You know, hospatiality, which for the birds, Roddy, the birds two Stars. I was puking all night.
Yeah, well, I peep from just looking at your oblom face, oblong face.
Is that right?
Is that how you say it?
The point is, just like the fourth of July at Rodney's house, the Olympics are gonna be rife with E coli, which brings us to j cleps Bet of the Week, where you could pick which country will get the most e coli in the twenty twenty Bar Olympics, brought to you by gambling. Gambling, start spending. You've already won.
Nah, don't forget to clean your twenty percent bonusos by joing the promo code.
Clipper sucks all cats.
I don't like that. I told you, I don't like that cut.
It's not you. Okay, it's a different clid.
Okay, that's fine. Then that's just kidding?
Is you because he saw you?
Okay?
I suck?
I suck you blow? Who cares? We're all dead inside? Get over it. Let's talk about sports.
All right.
Speaking of sports, a player on the Kansas City Chiefs is in hot water and making the biggest mistake any football player could make talking.
Some Chiefs fans are feeling stunned this morning by the comments made by Kicker, Harris, and Bucker during the commencement speech at Benedictine and Adjison.
Butcker claimed that a woman's most important role is that of a homemaker and demanded that men be more masculine.
Be unapologetic in your masculinity, fighting against the cultural emasculation of men.
Hey, I say we should listen to this kicker.
Okay, yeah, they're the football players with the least amount of brain damage, and I'm glad he's speaking up for emasculated men like Jordan. Congratulations, Jordan, for the first time in your life, someone on a football team is speaking to you. You don't have to wear that fake vosity jacket.
Anymore, you, Ronnie, I told you that in confidence moving to a new school is difficult. It was a natural way to make friends. Anyway, this kicker thing, this kicker thing, raises a larger problem. Why do we have people kicking in American sports? Americans handle balls with our hands like Ronnie's mom.
You know that's strong, Jordan.
You know my entire family has a foot fetish, true, which brings us to all bet everything wage of the evening, Which useless position player will be the next to wait into the culture war as always brought to you by gambling. Gambling, it will fix everything.
Oh, speaking of gambling, let's move on to our final story.
Prosecutors in Los Angeles, a showy Otani's former interpreter, has agreed to plead guilty to stealing almost seventeen million dollars from the La Dodger Superstar. The US Attorney's office say Epe Masuara use the money to pay off gambling debts and other personal expenses without Otani's knowledge.
This interpreter stole seventeen million dollars from Otani.
That settles it.
Interpreters should be outlawed. Okay, if you don't.
Know the language, you should just have to guess hard disagree hard, disagree, Roddy. The problem is in interpreters. It's languages. We should only have one. I suggest English.
Oh, big surprise, of course, this is just English. That's only language your tiny brain can handle the biggest head, the smallest brain.
Or English English is gonna be the dominant global language for at least five more years. Look, I'm speaking the major league language here. Why would I go back to Triple A and learn finish? Finish?
That's even a real language, you dumbasted it iss what.
They speak a Canada, Rodnie, read a book, all right, but do it on your own time, because we are onto the big bet of the nights? Is this O Tani story yet another sign that America's normalization of gambling is corroding society. Brought to you by gambling. Remember gambling bet now live forever. Well, we're out of time. Joined us. Next time on Sports War, we'll be debating Michael Jordan versus Caitlin Clark. Who's more likely to contract E coli?
Not America gambling?
What talk?
More on time? Ronnie chan and.
I'm Jordan Clepper. This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. For example, if I say Ronnie Chang doesn't suck, well.
That I have to disagree with you that, Jordan. Everybody knows I'm a bad son and a selfish lover.
Yes, you left out that you're also rude to service workers. Let's start with the biggest story in sports, the shop heard around the world.
This physical moment involving the w NBA's most high profile rookie raising questions, Chicago's Kennedy Carter shoulder checking the fevers Kaitlyn Clark knocking her to the ground.
Oh whoa throw the flag center to that? Hey, come on, Caitlyn Clark is clearly getting full it. I'm sick of it. You can't just push people in sports unless it's football, Hockey, dude, basketball, The little Leig World series or being drunk Dad at the Little Whig World Series.
Well, I hope all those dad shoves you into traffic, Jordan, because you couldn't be more wrong. As a lifelong w NBA Fancy's Kaitlyn Clott joined the league a few weeks ago, I can say with absolute certainty that that's off.
Was barely a foul.
Hey, the WNBA needs to get horder if they want me they're target demographic to keep watching.
Okay, you hear that, WNBA.
Just because you don't have a penis doesn't mean you can't get hard.
Just ask Jordan, are you saying my penis is soft or non existent?
Whichever hurt your feelings?
More chokes on you? Ronnie, I'm dead inside. Look. I relate to Caitlin Clark, a superstar at the top of her game, surrounded by jealous peers. Caitlin, I see you, I am you, and we're not going to let bottom feeders like Ronnie Chang push us around, which brings us to Tonight's Jake Cleps can't lose Better of the Week. What's the source of Ronnie Chang's crippling inferiority complex? Front of you by gambling. Gambling, you can only lose if you stop. Okay.
Moving on from the greatest women's basketball player to the greatest men's basketball player's son, Bronnie James, the son.
Of the NBA's superstar Lebron James, will remain in the NBA draft. His agent confirmed his decision today. James will forego his college eligibility after playing one season with USC. Lebron and Bronnie James could be the first father and son do it to play at the same time in the NBA.
He's projected to be a second round pick, primarily because his father is Lebron James.
Yo, Bronni should not enter the NBA at all. Okay, it to zero chance. You canna live up to his legacy of his father. Go do something else, like being a tall dentist or a tall architect or a medium sized wolf's tallest man.
Quick wall, You're not a head.
Oh yeah, that's good advice, Ronnie. You should take it. Of course, Bronnie should join the NBA. The children of great people are always great themselves. Done Junior RFK Junior, Carls Junior.
Oh good night.
The only pressure here is on Lebron If his sperm can't produce a twelve time NBA All Star reinvigorates the Space Jam franchise at raided over rated.
That's just what your mom said to me last night.
So you mad you made love to my mother poorly?
Like I said, Jordan, I'm a selfish lover, which brings us to Ronnie's slim dumk bed of the Night.
Who will be.
A greater disappointment to that father? Ronnie James L Jordan Klepper. That's always brought to you by gambling. Gambling. It's like taking candy from a baby, but the candy is money.
Finally, we turned to the shocking retirement of a sports legend.
Well, he has won the Nathan's Hot Dog eating contests six times, but Takiu Kobayashi is retiring from competitive eating. He says he has health concerns now he needs attend to. It's forty six years old, and says decades of overeating has left him with no appetite or sensation of fullness.
Holy shit, this guy can't tell when he's hungry or full. It sounds like his stomach just pulled a Jerry Maguire on him. Just grab the goldfish said audios to the kidney and walked right out. Does not sound like it was worth it.
This was absolutely worfic.
Okay, Jordan, he got to eat tons of hot dogs and now he has no appetite.
It's like freeo zembic.
Okay, Hooki Yashi's allegen not to mention he's Asian shutout Asian.
That's right. I've only got to use guy like four times in my life. And shame on you, Jordan for.
Not supporting the walk of our greatest Asian athlete.
Hey, you are wrong, You're wrong running. I fully support his decision to step away from the game, which brings us to our double down Better than Nights, which Asian that hosts this program will retire. Next brought to you by gambling. Have you lost the ability to experience sensation? Try gambling? See how worse it can get. Well, we are out of time.
I'm not retired.
It's too late. The fans have spoken rounding Jorda's Next time on sports we'll be debating pick a ball better with guns?
Now you got it? What's up, idiots? I'm right Jang and I'm Michael Costa.
This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. So if I say I love Bigetts, then I say thank you Croissants for life. And if I say that the best French new wave director is Gudar, well, then.
I say you Truefo's movies.
We justice revolutionary, but more accessible to a white audience.
Is shut the few philistine. Now that the twenty twenty four Paris Olympics are over, you'll probably miss watching women's beach volleyball every day in your office.
Learn how to knock Ronnie.
But another highlight was the utter dominance of USA men's basketball.
Lebron James, Kevin Durant, and Steph Curry teaming up in a thrilling gold medal game against host country France winning by eleven points is.
Everything I imagine and more.
We all sign up for this mission to continue.
The USA basketball dominance. That's right, suck at.
France, pack your bags and go back to.
Wherever it is that you came from.
This just proves America is the best at the sports that we invent.
Costa Are you drooling more on? America?
Should be embarrassed that you only beat friends by eleven points. You basically lost that score should have been two seventy to twelve. These players shouldn't even be allowed back in the country. Hey, Lebron James, you stay in France. You think about what you just did.
Ronnie, Ronnie, I swear putting you on TV feels like a make a wish.
All right.
Not only did Steph and Lebron dominate, but they found a way to make it entertaining against a weak opponent. And believe me, it takes real skill to put on a great show, even when you're out there with a smaller inferior co host Cossa.
You're the tyrese hallybutten of this team. Okay, only one pizza of audience even knows who you are.
Well, you're like the said river just filled with diarrhea, which brings us dar Costa's big balls better than night. Which river will Ronnie Chang mysteriously drown? It as always brought to you by gambling.
Remember you're not you when you're not gambling.
Moving on to an unexpected Olympic showdown. It was the return of the world's fastest man against the world's fastest virus.
It was supposed to be a golden moment for US sprinter Noah Lyles speak, but instead, the twenty seven year old failed to take the lead in the two hundred meter event, finishing with a bronze medal. He embraced fellow racers before he knelt to the ground, appearing to struggle for Brett. After the race, Lyles revealed he tested positive for COVID two days earlier, but decided to still compete.
What an incredible accomplishment for no Allows and an incredible embarrassment for the people who trained every day for four years and lost to a guy with fluid in his lungs. Yeah, why don't you just keep running off the track and runing the traffish Ronnie, Ronnie, like my negative COVID this morning.
You couldn't be more wrong. This was an absolute disaster for the whole world.
He won an Olympic medal with COVID in ruin the last ballid excuse we all had to miss work. Your shitty boss is going to be like, if no Lyles can run two hundred meters with COVID, then you got to keep teaching these CPR classes.
Which brings us to Ronnie's bigg balls bet of the evening, which disease will Michael Costla Get next.
Brought to you by gambling. Gambling, it will fix everything.
Let's move on to the athlete from down down to that everyone is talking about and should to be. This year's most popular Halloween costume.
Is Australian breaker Reagun went viral for her memorable routine.
Rachel Gunn, the big girl from Australia, failed to score a single point during her Olympics competition, going ahead to have with some of the world's best breakers during the sports Olympic debut.
Her signature moves include the sprinkler and m kangaroo hop. Reagan Actually he has a PhD in breakdance and was Australia's only woman to qualify for the Olympics.
Wow, thank you Australia. That was inspirational. Yeah.
Yeah, she's the Australian breakdancing Jamaica bob sled team of the French Olympics. She was so bad with so much confidence. Some experts are speculating that she had Ronnie Chang syndrome.
I hope that took this guy shoots you in your stupid face, right.
This was This was a terrible moment for the Olympics. For Australia, for descendants of criminals, for dancers, for kangaroos, for white.
People that want to be black.
It just shows you the pathetic level of talent in Australia.
You fit in perfectly cause of the.
Whole fit in a country of tall, tan, hot people.
And I say good time.
Finally, as we say goodbye to the Paris Olympics, take a look at the final medal.
Count whoa look at that one hundred and.
Twenty six medals in United States has clearly won the Olympics, USA all the way.
Oh no, what's that? Singapore is only won one medal? Hey, Ronnie, where did you grow up again? Costa?
You will be a dicta that French poll votos actual gift right if you factor in population size, the US actually finished fifty nineth.
In medals pla capitol and by that that took you know, bootballed almost fifty times better than the US.
Granada, Ronnie, you idiot, it's pronounced Canada. Learn the language, bringing us two our free ball in college fund quadrupler bet of the evening, Which country that Ronnie grew up in will embarrass themselves at the twenty twenty eight Olympics brought to you by gambling.
It's not an addiction if you win, all right, Well, lot of time.
Join us next time on sports Well, we're gonna debate if Simon Miles is so good, why isn't she tallow?
You're tall and you saw what.
Top morons?
I'm Ryan Chance, Jordan Klapper. This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed.
To agree with each other.
So if I say we need stronger helmets and football to prevent concussions.
I say that we were bored with a helmet. It's called a skull.
Well, lucky for us, yours is empty.
You it's October, but one month where practically every league is going out of it like some kind of sports gang bang.
That's right, there's more balls flying around than that time Ronnie wore his Daisy Dukes to the office.
Well, that's on you for looking.
And nowhere is the sports gangpang hotter it right now than here in New York, between the Liberty, the Mets, the Yankees, the NIXT. This city could only be happier if Ronnie announced he was leaving it.
Well, if I ever leave, it's because your mom is getting too clinging.
Nice one, Ronnie. I hope you get circumcised in your sleep. Well, many and New York sports fans are celebrating, and there's one team showing us that Boeing ain't the only one with imploding Jets.
Now to breaking news in sports, the Jets have fired their head coach Robert Salad just five games into the season, a move that comes two days after they just lost in London in disappointing fashion.
There is rampant speculation that Aaron Rodgers is behind the firing of Sala.
Jay E t s suck, suck, suck. Oh man, what a terrible move by the Jets. Coach. Sala wasn't the problem. It's clearly Aaron Rodgers. That's like me firing the camera guy for the stupid shit that comes out of Ronning's mouth.
Yeah, well, your mouth looks like a fish vagina and you could be more wronged. Okay, firing Slah is exactly what the Jets need. For fifty five years they sucked with a coach. Hey, maybe it's time to play without one. Just one season raw dogging it without a coach, and hey, maybe the Jets will win the Super Bowl.
The only thing getting raw doctor your brain. You can't let a bunch of NFL players coach themselves. They need Google Maps just to get out of the huddle. But we all know there's only one, maybe two people crazy enough to take a job coaching the Jets, which brings us to our Jordan Klepper, locked and loaded triple VIP better than Night, which Menendez brother will be the next coach off the Jets. As always brought to you by gambling. Gambling. If you think you have a problem, stop thinking.
Moving on from an upset man to the upset of the year.
Next, a once in a lifetime upset in college football. Vanderbilt beat number one Alabama on Saturday, forty to thirty five. Vanderbilt students were so excited they tore down one of the goalposts and carried it a couple miles into downtown Nashville. Then they tossed it into the Cumberland River.
Okay, okay, okay, raid it in you private school nerds waiting. It's exciting, but show a little class. You don't gloat in front of the other teams fans. You bully them online like a normal person.
Okay, Jordan, I know you're not used to winning, but this is what it looks like. Okay, you're just mad they threw the goalpost in the river because you empathize with long, skinny, useless things, which brings us to Rodney Chang show win VVIP better than Night?
Which river will we dumb?
Jordan in after Tonight's show as always brought to you.
By gambling, gambling your wife can't leave you if you.
Win, and finally moving on to a more somber story as we honor the passing of one of America's greatest heroes.
Pete Rose, major League Baseball's all time hits leader, who was famously banned from the sport for gambling, has died.
Rose was famously banned from the Baseball Hall of Fame for gambling allegations. He denied those allegations for years before eventually admitting that he did that on baseball, both as a player and.
As a manager, all while he lobbied to be considered for the Hall of Fame, his lifelong wish never granted.
Now, I don't want to discount what Jackie Robinson did, but what Pete Rose accomplished was a billion times more important. He's a legend in two of America's pastimes, gambling as a player and gambling as a coach. Pete Rose definitely belongs in the Baseball.
Hall of Fame, Jordan, have you been hitting your oblong head by another pitch? Okay, Pete Rose doesn't belong in the Baseball Hall of Fame.
A huer like him belongs in every hall of.
Fame, Baseball, basketball, rock and roll, hip hop, automotive Bobby's put his name on a Vietnam memorial everywhere. Yo, they should hang his bookie's phone number from the rafters.
Boy, Ronnie, I really wish God took you instead of Pete Rose. Which brings us to my Jordan's champagne room boom bed of the Knights. What will Pete Rose gamble on? First Heaven as always brought to you by gambling? Gambling when it stuff being fun is when it gets good? All right?
And that's all the stories this week. Join us next time on Sports War.
Yeah, we'll debate if it counts as cheating on your wife if you do it with a tackling dumby, well obviously not.
Wait do we agree on this one?
Wait?
You know we can't have