TDS Time Machine | Presidents Meet Congress

You're listening to Comedy Central.

February twenty fifth, two thousand and nine from Comedy Central's World News headquarters in New York.

This is the Daily Show with John Stewart. Let's begin with a big story.

Last night, President Barack Obama's not State of the Union address. Yes, the president's first speech to a joint session of Congress after being sworn in is not technically a State of the Union address, which is nice because this is probably one year that you do not want to complete the sentence the State of the Union is. But o those times are tough, it's still important to make an entrance.

The President of the United States.

Oh yeah, here it comes hat on, am brother.

It's nice to see a hip, nice tie. Oh damn, what's up, homes.

Oh yeah, oh oh it's you.

Oh I see you.

He looks like.

He noticed me.

Actually, A hilar had given Obama heads up that she'd be the one wearing the.

Retina searing coat.

Although Obama was greeted warmly, the knight's speech was no small task. Obama's challenge would be to convey to the American public the sobering realities of our current situation. While maintaining an optimistic tone for the future, all while desperately, desperately, desperately trying not to turn around for a quick game of Whack a mole. Interesting fact about Nancy Pelosi, she is one eighth gopher on her father's side.

So how to Obama do?

We are living through difficult and uncertain times.

Our economy is in crisis. We import more oil today than ever before. Credit has stopped flowing. The price of tuition is higher than ever. Half of the students who begin college never finish.

Sobering reality check and the hope part.

I pledged to cut the deficit in half by the end of my first term in office. This plan will save or create three point five million jobs. By twenty twenty, America will once again have the highest proportion of college graduates in the world. We will double this nation's supply of renewable energy in the next three years. Our recovery plan will invest in electronic health records and new technology.

The United States of America.

Will emerge stronger than before.

All Right, hope, there you go, nice agenda, solid, confident, Definitely, health care.

Reform cannot win. It must not wait, and it will not wait another year.

Okay, easy there, fellow, Let's just let's keep our feet on the ground here.

Let's just cure for cancer in our time.

What are you a wizard? Slow down? What's next?

You want the moon?

Just say the word and I'll throw a glasshole around it and plug down.

Yeah bye. By two thousand, by to by.

By twenty and ten, we'll have shit of buns that make you skinnier. Twenty twelve, we'll have a boner pill that that gives you a four hour erection that you don't have to notify your doctor about. Now, get out of here.

Zoo zoo.

What makes you think this in any way, shape or form, mister President could happen.

This is America.

We don't do what's easy. We do what's necessary.

Have you met America? Have you been to him? We don't do what's easy, We do it.

You know what eplurbu means easy and unnecessary. We're the people who invented the rumba because the other automatic machine we invented to clean the floor made you do this.

This was too much.

This is a popular exercise in our country. We invented this. This is real. It's called bacon. Ai'se it's bacon combined with mayonnaise.

For people who.

Want heart disease but are too lazy to actually make the bacon. So in your little plan there, if you're wondering whether to go with necessary or easy, I'd go with easy.

Working households in America will receive a tax cut.

CEOs won't be able to use.

Taxpayer money to pad their paychecks, or buy fancy drapes or disappear on a private jet.

Those days are over.

That He's good news for taxpayers and bad news for Armando's house of fancily draped private jets. Good you think Armando would put a shirt on, you know, in the private jet.

Business, but apparently not. Now.

With Obama's speech still ringing in America's ears, it was time for the Republican response.

Luckily they had just a man for the job.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindall, very popular up and comer in the Republican Party.

He's been sort of the rising star de facto head of the Republican Party. He's being talked about for a possible run at the White House.

Who ride, big Republican rising star, the GOP's very own Shia lib Wulf.

Good evening and happy Marty gram Who's that?

Where? Where have I seen that before?

It's a beautiful day in this.

New quiver of beautiful day for a neighbor.

That's right.

I saw that in my childhood. But of course there's the governor of Louisiana. He's not going to talk to us like some besweatered friend of the trolley people.

We place our hope in you, the American people. The lead is by empowering you, the American people. I visited Sheriff Harry Lee. He was literally yelling into the follow well, I'm the sheriff, and if you don't like it, you can come and arrest me. Congressman Jentle's here and he says you can come and arrest him too. We believe that Americans can do anything.

Can we have candy for dinner? I believe that I can do anything. I want to be an astronaut that kills and eats firemen.

As a child, I remember going to the grocery store with my dad growing up in India. He had seen extreme poverty. As we walked through the aisles, looking at the endless variety on the shelves, he would tell me Bobby Americans can do anything.

Yeah, we covered that bacon eise American can do anything, and I mean anything, like, say, I don't know the same great taste of bacon and mayonnaise in a Baconai's light. They actually make a Baconai's light half of fat.

It is unbelievable.

You know how I like to have bacon AI's light, and I really I can't resist it. I like to have it with a pancake wrapped in a sausage on a stick.

I choose the I choose the blueberry.

Pancake on thee on a stick because I'm kind of a health not but uh, that's what I like to do.

I like to No, don't make man.

I say something to the makers of baconaise. I know we've mentioned your product a lot on the show tonight.

Don't send us any more of it. I can't even believe. I think my tongue just took a.

Sh Jindall's task was not an easy one. You see, with Barack Obama making such a compelling case or an active federal government, Jindall had to tell America why he thought that that allows the idea.

Today in Washington, some are promising that government or rescue us from the economic storms raging all around us. Those of us who lived through Hurricane Katrina, we have our doubts.

So because the Republican administration screwed the pooch, a democratic administration shouldn't even try. What other lessons did Katrina teach you?

Their legislation is larded with wasteful spending and includes one hundred and forty mill million dollars for something called volcano monitoring.

So your other lesson from Katrina is what good could possibly come from monitoring for potential natural disasters?

Who cares about LoVa? That's it's like a Levy over topping. It'll never happen.

Marks Firts, twenty seventeen, Comedy Central's World News headquarters in New York. This is The Daily Show with Trevor no.

Last night's Donald Trump gave his first speech to Congress as presidents, and unlike he's inauguration, everyone showed up. Bernie was there and unfortunately so us Ted Cruz.

Mcconne. Yeah, Miss McConnell was there, And it doesn't mean it's just me.

Does Miss McConnell always look like he's seeing the end of the world, Like look at it. This is his face, Like, that's the kind of face you make the first time you see your parents having sex. Anyway, everyone was gathered in the capital to hear the president speak, and from the start you knew it was going to be a special night because not only did Trump seem to enjoy relating to humans, he even wore a non red tie lauder.

Day will show you things, huh. And then he went to the podium, he's a gentlemen.

Your menu for the night, I recommend the taco bowl.

Yes, and guys, I gotta say the tie, don't lie.

The speech got off to a good and unexpected starts.

As we mark the conclusion of our celebration of Black History Month, we are reminded of our nation's path towards civil rights and the work that still remains to be done. Recent threats.

Wow, I don't know about you, but I didn't see that coming. I bet most black people didn't see that coming.

It felt like the moonlight Oscar all over again, Like.

Yo, for real.

Oh and you know all those recent hate crimes he's been.

Taking heat for about not talking about, Well, he talked about them.

Recent threats targeting Jewish community centers and vandalism of Jewish cemeteries, as well as last week shooting in Kansas City, remind us that while we may be a nation divided on policies, we are a country that stands united in condemning hate and evil in all of its very ugly forums.

It all makes sense now.

Trump wasn't avoiding condemned those acts.

He was just saving it for a special occasion.

It's like hate crime lingerie, because come on, let's be honest.

If he condemned hate crimes all the time, we'd be like, it's just not that hot anymore. Oh, and you know how he's.

Been alienating all of our Muslim allies.

That's over too.

I directed the Department of Defense to develop a plan to demolish and destroy Isis. We will work with our allies, including our friends and allies in the Muslim world, to extinguish this vile enemy from our planet.

Guys, don't tell me that speech wasn't great.

Trump said friends and Muslims in the same sentence.

In the same set.

The only time you'd expect Trump to say Muslims and friends in the same sentence would be like if he was like friends, let's get those Muslims or it would be go bum those Muslims want to watch friends.

But not with this speech.

I mean, just look at how proud he two dads, Mike Pence and Paul Ryan were standing there in their identical outfits.

Who weren't better, guys, be honest, who aren't better?

Whoa?

Whoa?

I mean, that's that's that's not a fair competition. Paul Ryan would look better than Mike Pence in anything, even Mike Pencer's hair.

He probably that looks good. I'm not gonna find that looks good ready does guys?

Last night's speech was pretty good. And you know what, if the speech were presidents, America wouldn't have so much to worry about. Unfortunately, the speech and the man reading the speech have nothing in common. For example, Trump's promise to help.

Black people, or as he calls them, inner.

Cities, our neglected inner cities, We'll see a rebirth of hope, safety, and opportunity.

Now you see that that sounds great.

It definitely sounds a lot better for black people than what Trump's attorney general and part time hobbit.

Jeff Sessions is actually doing.

Because while Trump's playing nice nice, Sessions has decided to pull back on all federal investigations into police brutality.

In fact, Jeff Sessions give so few fits about civil rights. He made this decision.

Without even reading the Justice Department reports on police violence.

In both Chicago and Ferguson.

It's true, he said he knows what they're about because he read the summary, which.

I'm sorry people is booted.

It's like someone saying they hate waffle House because of the smell when they walk past the restaurants.

Shame on.

You eat the food, then throw up like the rest of us. You don't prejudge people, just don't do it.

All of the things President Trump said don't seem to match up with what he's doing. Take the censerpiece of his economic plan, tax reform.

My economic team is developing historic tax reform. We will provide massive tax relief for the middle class.

Now that sounds amazing, especially if you're a billionaire, because you see Trump's actual proposed tax plans won't help the middle class as advertised, because if you read the fine print, you'll see that the taxes will actually go up for most single parents' households, and married couples with three or more children, and on average, middle class households would get a two percent cut, or about a thousand bucks.

But meanwhile, the super.

Rich would get a thirteen percent tax cut, more like two hundred thousand dollars.

That's people like Warren Buffett.

You realize, through tax plans proposed by Trump, Warren Buffett stands to gain twenty nine billion dollars twenty nine billion. Warren Buffett does not need twenty nine more billion dollars.

He's even giving the money away. He's busy, like I don't want it. Take more, take more, and it's coming back more. This guy's got boomerang cash.

Take them U that said, Papa, I'll try to give it away.

I was trying to give it away. What are you doing?

Trump?

How are you gonna give Warren Buffett more money?

Warren Buffett needs more money the way Hemsworth needs more abs.

Like that is not something he needs. Sorry? Where was I? Oh?

Yeah?

Yeah.

If last night was the first time you heard from Donald Trump, first of all, welcome to Earth, you should probably leave. And secondly, you would think, judging by his speech, that his administration would be cleaner than a freshly bleached anus.

We have begun to drain the swamp of government corruption by imposing a five year ban on lobbying by executive branch officials.

Are you being serious?

Trump's cabinets is packed with oil and finance executives. Of course, they don't need to lobby anymore now they run the guy government.

That's a novel way to deal with the issue.

It's like you have a raccoon problem and the animal control solves it by saying, all right, it all worked out.

We sold your house to the raccoon. Now you rant from the raccoon.

There you go.

Problem solved.

Honestly, at some point, at some point, it felt like Trump was just straight up trolling us.

My administration wants to work with members of both parties to promote clean.

Air and clean water. Gett here, man, are you.

Promote clean air and water?

Trump literally that morning dismantled a bunch of water protection rules. And that's after he allowed minds to dump coal ash into streams, which who in their right mind, like, who in their right mind thinks that's a good idea? Why would you let people dump coal ash into streams? Nothing good can come from drinking coal ash except for maybe Now we'll definitely know who far.

That's the only thing.

They'd be like, it was you, justin you left behind a tooth cloud, my friend, we know.

It was you.

Everything in the speech, climate justice, middle class corruption, This whole speech was a giant decoy for what Trump's actually doing.

You know what it was like.

It was like in one of those heist movies. You know, while the fake blue tie Donald Trump was distracting us with his speech, the real Trump was behind the scenes pulling off the hit job. And instead of noticing it, we're like those dumb security guards watching the security cameras, going if something seem off to you, Hey, wait a minute now, No, we're all good. He's wearing the blue tie last night was.

Slicker than any Ocean's eleven movie.

In fact, we thought about him, were like, it would make a great movie on its own.

A presidency. They said he'd never win, an address, they said he'd never give, And now Donald Trump is about to pull off the greatest heist of all time. With a little help from the real Donald Trump.

We know that America is better off.

Everything good.

Yeah, he's looking presidential and he's.

Coming for all of it.

America water.

My administration wants to remote clean air and clean water, America's money, historic tax reform, it will be a big, big cut.

And America's civility.

The time for trivial fights is behind us.

When there's a job to be done, well done, there's only wonders and you can rely on inside tan in theaters for the next four years. If you're lucky, we'll be right back.

Today marks the end of President Joe Biden's first one hundred days in office, which is the period where every president tries to get their big things done.

You know.

FDR introduced the New Deal, Ronald Reagan rolled back the Welfare State, and Bill Clinton installed that stripper poll in the Situation Room. And to celebrate the occasion, last night, Joe Biden delivered his first address to Congress. Yes, for hundreds of years, Joe Biden has sat and watched other presidents give speeches to Congress, but now it was his turn. And of course, thanks to COVID, things looked a little different than usual last night.

Instead of a full chamber.

They just had a few people scattered around and looked like the lights just came on in a porno theater.

But still the big name showed up.

Chuck Schumer was there ready to trip any insurrectionists that broke in. The second dude was in attendance, signaling a runner to steal second base, I think, and in a historic moment, Kamala Harris and Nancy Pelosi became the first all email duoever to get front row seats to a president's bullspot. But of course, the star of the Knights was President's Joseph Rokubiden, who used the Knights to present America with a very ambitious agenda.

America is moving moving forward, but we can't stop now. Let's raise the minimum ways to fifteen dollars. Let's lower deductibles for working families on the Affordable Care and Affordable Care Act, and let's lower prescription drug costs. Four additional years of public education every person in America access to quality, affordable childcare. Rebuild trust between law enforcement and the people

It's within our power to do it. Wow, ending racism and cancer. Biden is dreaming big.

I mean I half expected him to go, you know what, We're going to Mars right now.

Get in and get in the rocket.

Everyone, there's a rocket outside everyone, We're going to Mars right now. And by the way, for someone who people think of as the moderates, this agenda was hella progressive, free college, free childcare. I mean, you'd think that Bernie was just off screen, you know, with these fists like don't you never forget about student that Joe Biden, or I'm gonna show ninety nine.

Percent of this first up your eyes.

But I guess this is the energy that people always bring to a new job, you know. Joe Biden's got that new job enthusiasm which always fades over time, you know, And right now he's like, I'm changing everything, and like a year or so from now, his.

Top priority, top priority.

Is going to be angling his computer monitor so no one can see he's watching Outlander now. Of course, Biden will only be able to get any of this done if he can win over the country. But if the only people he needs to persuade are liberals on CNN and MSNBC.

Well, then, my friends, he's got this thing in the bag.

Every single sentence had a very clear point to it, and every line of it had that Biden humility, and it was bracing to hear a speech delivered at times by a whisper. His use of voice modulation was rather extraordinary.

It was amazing to be able to have a conversational tone, almost as if he were channeling a FDR fireside chat.

It's really beautiful.

I mean it was beautiful.

It is so personal, it's so inmate.

And his voice that kind of grandfatherly whispery voice.

Wow, Okay, I like how the news went from we got to hold those in power account.

Ah.

He's just like my grandpa.

I love him so much.

Also, grandfathers are not really known for whispering that they're going to end systemic racism. In fact, usually grandfathers are whispering.

I think the bus driver is a Puerto Rican.

Unfortunately for Joe Biden, the entire country is not made up of liberal pundits. There are also conservatives and they were just a little less excited.

It was an odd speech.

Other than someone who believes deeply that a socialist vision of America, a big government vision of America, is what the American people want.

Joe Biden scared the hell out of may deny it.

He looked weak as commander in chief, and he embraced socialism.

The words of this speech sounded like what you would hear from a fifteen year old if he gave him a credit card with no credit limit on it, except the words came out of the mouth as an adult who should know better.

Republican Senator Marsha Blackburn tweeted, you know who else likes universal daycare with a to a nineteen seventy four newspaper article about daycare in the Soviet Union.

Okay, people, Even if Stalin gave people free daycare, that is not what made him.

Stalin a right.

No one who ever suffered through his regime was like the film and the Ghoulags.

They would have bild enough. But he also gave althoys to kids. That was the worst.

And at this point worlwys know that no matter what Democrats suggest, Republicans are gonna say a socialist.

This has become a game. Now everything they do is socialist. Every socialist socialists, But.

Ironically, it's never socialism when Republicans want to give money to big oil companies or help farmers in the Midwest, No, that's not socialism. These politicians are like sports fans. Now, you know, it's always a foul. When it's the other team, that's a foul. Come on, ref, that's a foul. He did the look did you see how he looked at him. That's a foul.

Come on, ref, do something.

Oh dude, your guy just shot the opponents.

Hey, you know what, buddy, it's a context.

Man up.

So look, it's not surprising that conservatives are unhappy with Biden's progressive proposals, but that wasn't their only complaints. No, Biden's speech didn't just make them angry, it also made them tired.

Boy, that was a dull, lifeless, boring speech.

It's like it's a corpse. I mean, you can't, you can't. It's unwatchable. It was so boring.

I just wanted to, you know, where there's the original watch in this thing to go to sleep.

It was one of the most dull speeches that I've ever.

Seen Republican leader in the House. That would be mister McCarthy of California. This whole thing could have just been an email.

And then of course we get shots of Ted CRU's sleeping in the audience.

You see that Ted Cruise was so bored at that speech that he fell asleep. And I know what you're thinking right now. You think I'm going to say something like.

Oh, that's weird. I thought lizards slept with their eyes open.

But I'm not going to say that because honestly, that was the most relatable thing that Ted Cruz has ever done.

Because that's me was boring.

And when you consider that almost none of Biden's goals are actually going to get past Congress. I mean, we basically just listen to an old man talk for an hour about his dreams. But also, a policy speech is just a set of directions for where the president wants to take the country, and in a way, directions are supposed to be boring. I mean, you don't want Google maps like you know what'll be crazy is if you drove into that lake.

Do it, bitch, do it now, just do it? Just drive into the lake, dude.

In fact, if it were up to me, these wouldn't even be speeches.

He just printed out let the people read it.

I mean, when did we decide that you can only judge a policy proposal based on how entertaining the performance of it is. Well, I'll bet that even if it was printed, the haters would just bitch about the font. Oh really, times new Roman and he didn't even use one emoji.

Worst address ever.

But until then, we can't have people falling asleep in the middle of Biden's speeches. And it's safe to say that Biden's not going to get any more energy anytime soon. So maybe, just maybe, all he needs is someone to hype him up.

Independent experts estimate the American jobs will add millions of jobs and trillions of dollars to economic growth in the years to come.

Oh yeah, give it up with that economic growth people?

Do you know what TD people?

Yeah, you don't be get it with another one job.

This is the largest jobs planned since World War Two, creates jobs to upgrade our transportation infrastructure.

That's right, it's infrastructive town people. No roof, no roof, no.

Roofers, all fire up, which means we got to build another roof with sustainable.

Materials and maybe use some solar panels.

Y'all GE's what we're doing, right, Joe America. Stand up the unfair trade practices and undercut American workers and American industries like subsidies from state to state owned operations and enterprises, and the theft of American technology and know show property.

Yeah, yeah, whatever, whatever he said. Yo, Man, I'm sorry, Joe Man.

I'm trying, man, but this is you know, the energy, and I don't have my men thoughs right now.

You gotta loose. This is how sorry man, I tried. Joe I tried.

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