TDS Time Machine | March Madness

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As you went earlier, March Madness.

This is March Madness or yearly national Orgy of college basketball.

My pick for the finals, I.

Think Michigan State is gonna get He's gonna get Duke. That's right, the Spartans are gonna get them Duke boys. But there are those who wish basketball could return to a purer time.

Jason Jones has more.

Sports entrepreneur Don Moose Lewis is a dreamer hoping to strike gold with a brand new venture.

The All American Basketball Alliance is an alternative brand to the NBA today's professional basketball.

But to take on the NBA, you need a hook.

Who are using all white American born players? Wait, go back all white to play and coach? You must be Caucasian and your parents must be Caucasian and born in the United States.

Really, yes, you are one hundred percent serious about this league.

I stake my reputation that this is a serious matter.

Can you stick something else besides your reputation?

Well, I'm white. Fundamental basketball basically just got left behind.

Yes, Moose hopes to bring basketball back to its roots before it was ruined by skillful.

Playing I'm trying to return the game to the fundamental game of basketball, driveling skills, shooting skills, passing skills, something called a playbook.

But despite Moose's best intentions, he has faced a media backlash. White so only that's the rule for the new basketball league.

That's bringing controversy with it?

Just racist.

It's a white sacred game.

Why not just say, let's have a fundamental league for everybody.

Do you want to spend it? You want the truth? I want the truth. Blacks overall are better athletes when it comes to the game of basketball. Well, yeah, they're black. I say, we could make anything racist, Jason, and yet you make it look so easy. It is unfair to call me a racist. Of course, I was a child of integration, forced integration by the government. And let me

Moose has a dream, a dream that someday basketball players will not be judged by the quality of their skills, but by the content of their skin color. We did a little experiment to show just how racist basketball has become.

That's it, that's it. Stop them.

Yep, you just don't have the height or the jumping ability.

There is a there is a difference in the uh in the techniques.

Yeah, but look what happens when you level the playing field with fundamentals and more white people. In fundamental basketball, we always call the name of the person we're passing to, Matt Jason, Jay Terason, back to Matt.

Pass the ball and I'm going to the hole.

One step, two.

Step, ah foul fow.

You bet you also a technical were mouthing off.

The experiment showed how necessary Moose's League has become.

This is what I'm talking about, though, Jackson. You say, here's this black player and he's mouthing off at a white guy. You see what I'm saying, a white guy authority. He's mouthing off. This is a problem we're having in today's game.

He's a authority few because he hasn't whistled.

That's right, Wow, that's right. Whistles. Do you have it with you? Yeah, okay, Well, what are you doing with a whisted? You're still off a white player, a white man. You should have a whistle. This is the problem we're having ed Moose for the win. Now, let's break that down at the Daily Show Sports desk.

Thanks Josie Boy. Oh boy, the Moose has been on fire today, running his mouth all over the court.

He's burning up like a cross in my grandma's yard.

Boom, I got you.

That's because when it comes to the fundamental, Moose is the best. Let's take a look at that lost comments again.

Here's this black player and he's mouthing off at a white guy.

You see this young black guy here really eggs moves on by questioning the call. A white player knows what to do when you foul, you say thank you, sir, you're doff your cap.

Solid point. That's why Larry Bird retired too much, says but look here.

Then he follows it up with a double mood.

Well, what are you doing with a whisted? You still off a white player? A white man?

Lookout, son, you're in Moose's house, Big w a breaking down his great stuff.

See what Moose did? He trapped them against the baseline with mout and Off and then double teamed them with the age old stereotype, the accusation of thievery. He's got nowhere to go except for, you know, strangling Moose. In fact, I'm surprised he didn't go there.

I guess they just don't teach Black Gully's fundamentals anymore.

What the hell?

No, why hasn't anyone thought of this before?

Oh yeah, I mean after integration. Well, to tell you the true chas, what I'm doing is, I'm not a genius. Okay, you could have fooled me. How I am is just speaking for the silent white middle America. I'm not here to please everyone or anyone.

Jason Jones. Everybody wants that back, doctor now.

Whoiville's big win over Michigan money Name ended up thrilling NCAA tournament, which saw even savvy bracket prognosticators completely screwed by production assistant Jay Franklin, who I think we can all admit got completely lucky.

I mean, note to self fire j Franklin.

But despite the NCAA's good works, there are those who would try to tear them down, as if Manvey.

Has more college athletes, they're princes of their schools and enjoy everything from the love of enthusiastic coaches to all the attention they get when they twist their poor little ankle out of their skin. But there are still some students like this University of Minnesota wrestler who would spit in the face of the NCAA and defy their perfectly fair rules.

Maligibility got taken away, it got swiped. I couldn't compete for the University of Minnesota.

Why did they strip you of your eligibility?

I had a song and yeah, my name was on it.

What made you think you could use your own.

Name because it's my message and it's me.

Yeah, but it's not your name anymore. It belongs to the NCUBA.

That's right.

NCUBA rules say athletes can't profit by using their own name in a song that they wrote that has nothing to do with sports. Don't forget the nc double A is giving them the gift of education.

I have ten percent scholarship that doesn't cover a lot, and on top of that, I cover my living expenses.

And then you're also making a buttload of money on this song.

Well, the song hasn't written made me rich at all. I haven't even broke even and right now, the NCAA owns the name Joel Bauman.

Until I graduate.

Let me tell you your first problem. You're rapping under the name Joel Bauman. Okay, dude, Joel Bauman is the accountant of the record label. Understandably, the nc double A must also distance themselves from Bauman's degree gangster rap.

Have you ever had a dream? But we're too afraid to get it, Afraid what people might think if you actually tried to live it. If you buy someone's opinion, you have to buy their lifestyle. Put your ones up if you want your dreams right now.

But you're a good wrestler, though, right, like to assume so good, good good?

I mean.

You're gonna keep wrestling, right.

Yeah, good good. Yes.

This type of profiteering would sully the NCAA's image as stewards of amateur athletics. After all, their mission is to protect college sports from the corrosive influences of commercialism and to uphold the ideal of the student athlete who simply plays for the love of the sport. But ex UCLA basketball player Ed O'Bannon thinks he's entitled two more.

I think college athletes should be compensated?

What four?

Because there is an unbelievable amount of money, billions of dollars being made off the backs of these athletes, and everyone seems to be compensated except for the ones that are doing the work.

Oh really billions of dollars? Well, our research shows that the NCAA's total revenue is only six billions, so it's not that many billions, and those one Shining Moment montages don't pay for themselves. Of course, we can't show you any of those because the NCUBA won't.

License it to us.

But instead we bring you this.

It's one shining moment.

It's all on the line. It's one shining moment.

It's frozon in. Okay, you get the idea.

But somehow O'Bannon is still ungrateful and is suing them for using his likeness in their one minor little video game. No not that one, No, not that one, No the other the other platform. No, not the one for the Xbox, not the we no yet, yes, this one, that one.

Dude.

I'm in a video game.

Okay, Last Airbender. I mean, nobody's ever played it, but I'm in it.

You don't see me complaining did you get paid?

Yeah?

I got paid.

Yeah, I'm not a schmuck. Look I stand by my lawsuit. I stand by this suit.

I couldn't believe these detractors were slandering this upstanding and open institution, so I went to the NC double A to let them respond. I wanted to sit down with you to give you a chance to clear your good name. First question, why am I talking to a telephone?

The NCLE is not granting any on camera interviews at this time.

What do you Philip Morris, I've spoken to racist islamophobes. I have spoken to a guy who makes asbestos.

You're the NC double A.

Our mission is to be an integral part of higher education and to focus on the development.

Wait no, whoa, WHOA?

Are you reading a statement?

Yeah?

Is this even the NC double that I'm talking to?

No, this is your intern, Eric, I'm just reading a statement they gave us.

But ultimately, when all is said and done, the athletes know that the NC DOUBLEA will take good care of them.

Yeah.

I actually just came back.

I've been I was out for three months with the concussion, but the.

School will cover the expenses should these concussions lead to any medical expenses after you graduate.

Right, No, the school won't do that because I won't be an athlete for them anymore.

Are you kidding me? Okay, now I think I understand why they don't want to talk to us.

Yeah, it's one shining moment, Austin Marby.

We'll be right back.

If you skip watching our show last night to watch the NCAA Men's final, then congratulations on making good life choices.

No, the game, the game was amazing.

Villanova forward Chris Jenkins sank a shot at the buzzer, getting his team to the national title and getting himself laid for life in Philadelphia.

Yeah, and it was.

It was such a great moment, and it was also sad in a way because you realize, now, nothing in Chris Jenkins' life will ever top this moment. Nothing, nothing at all.

Like he could deliver a baby on the roof of a burning building and then rescue the mother and child by using his parachute to glad them safely into an ambulance, and still the paramedic will say, oh you Chris Jenkins, that shot was crazy.

Oh thanks for your health, Thanks for your health. Now tonight even more History said to we made. The Yukon women's team are attempting to win their NCAA record eleventh national title. Yeah, and this is a team who, amazingly in their last one hundred and sixteen games went one.

Fifteen and one.

Yeah, and their start forwarder Brianna Stewart, is going for her fourth national title in a row. So the game should have ended by the time this airs on TV.

So congratulations, you come.

The game should have ended by now on TV. So congratulations Syracuse on the amazing upset.

What a game.

We'll edit the right one in later when we see who wins.

Yeah, well we'll edit that. You know.

The the unfortunate thing here is that there's less attention on tonight's historic game. But the good news about the nc Double A is that both men and women players you don't get exactly the same amount of money.

Yeah.

The NCAA tournament isn't even half over, but we already have an MVP.

Sports Illustrated reports on the only person in the world with a perfect NZ DOUBLEA tournament bracket so far. The odds of that are one in two two hundred and eighty one trillion. Ohio neuropsychologist Greg Nigel correctly predicted the outcomes of the first forty eight March Madness games. Nigel shatters the previous record streak of thirty nine games.

I was actually pretty sick with a bad cold on Thursday. I woke up to call into work. I took some cold medicine, and I almost just went right back to bed, but I knew I had two more brackets to fell out.

Wow.

Wow, this guy had a cold and he still managed to fill out a perfect bracket. That is the worst overcoming an obstacle sports story I've ever heard. She's like, move over, homeless NFL player. This guy somehow opened up

First up?

March Madness last night was the final game of the biggest tournament in college sports, and it ended in a comeback for the Ages.

Now to the end of March Madness, A year after becoming the first top seeded men's team to lose to a number sixteen, Virginia has snagged its first title.

The Cavaliers won in a heart.

Stopping fashion with an overtime thriller against Texas Tech.

Yes, congratulations Virginia. Wow, it took more than a year, but you guys finally did it. You made the news for something other than racism.

Huh.

That wasn't so hard, was it.

All you had to do was get some young black men who work for you for free, and bam racism.

So baby what?

And I must say congratulations to Texas Tech two. They had an amazing run, and honestly, the last game was really stacked against them because, first of all, and this is true, Texas had to deal with Ted Cruz rooting for them, so I mean, yeah, you know, even worse, he was collecting.

All their sweaty towels. What are you gonna do with those?

Ted?

I have my reasons. Also, I think the team would have done a lot better if the coach hadn't recruited on Becky's daughter as their power forward.

I have no idea why he did that.

All right, let's move on now to our top story March Madness. It's the most fun way to gamble away, you're stimmy. This year's tournament has already seen its fair share of upsets like Oral Roberts making it to the sweet sixteen and I'm guessing from its name also third base. But the biggest shock of the tournament so far didn't happen on the court. It happened in the weight room.

The NCAA is apologizing after being criticized for the stark difference and the fitness facilities provided to the men and the women competing in the college basketball tournaments Oregon Sedona. Prince gave us a glimpse of the weight room differences in a social media video last Thursday.

So, for the NCUBA March Madness, the biggest tournament in college basketball for women, this is our weight room.

Let me show you all the men's weight room.

As you can see, the men were provided with a lot more equipment than the women. It did not take long for the nc DOUBLEA to make changes, though.

By Saturday, the NCAA sharing the new setup for the women, Prince thanking everyone who helped.

Guess what, guys, we got a waitroom?

Yeah, damn, that's ice cold. Because that's not a weight room. That's just the wreck of weights that you buy in the beginning of quarantine and then never use. And honestly, this is surprising because usually the NCUBA treats male and female athletes equally. I mean, they definitely pay them both the same amounts. But to be fair, at least the NCUBA mant it rights after the upruar, they gave the women the same amenities that the men's weightroom.

Has, more machines, more weights.

And they even added the guy who always makes way too much noise when he's lifting.

Woo. This is how you know that I'm strong here you yah.

Now.

It was upsetting enough when people saw the difference in men's and women's weight rooms, but it turns out that sexism in the nc double A is a lot like face tune.

Once you're aware of it, you start noticing it everywhere.

But it's not just the weight room. The COVID tests different for the men's tournament, the more accurate PCR tests at the women's Antigen tests another complaint. A quick look at the official March Madness Twitter account, The bio reads the official nc double A March Madness destination for all things Division one NC double A men basketball, no mention of the women's tournament.

The men have been provided with a brand new NC DOUBLEA court with March Madness the UTWO logo in the middle, where on the women's court you're gonna still see two lines for the men's line and the women's line for three point shots. There's a volleyball court on one of the courts. It doesn't even look like an NC DOUBLEA game.

There are differences in food options for the men's and women's teams, as well as the difference in gift bags given to players.

The men were given a large number of custom items designed for March Madness, while the women's had a few generic items, including a one hundred and fifty piece puzzle and a towel that said NC DOUBLEA women's basketball plus an umbrella.

A puzzle. No, that is a trash gift.

And what's even worse is when you complete it, it shows a picture of the men's team enjoying a free steak dinner. Seriously, how are you going to give the players a puzzle that is not swag people? When you look at all of this together, the differences are so stock it almost seems less like sexism and more like the NCUBA didn't even.

Know that the women were coming. You know, it's so bad.

It's someonet like the women were knocking on the door and the NCAA was just scrambling.

Oh shit, the ladies are here. Do we have anything to give them? I ordered a burger for lunch. Okay, it'll work. Just chopping up and save sliders. What what else do we have? Swag? I think there's an umbrella in the closet. Yeah, it'll work, it'll work, it'll work.

So clearly, casual sexism has pervaded almost every aspect of the player experience at this tournament. But it's not just a problem for the players. It's also affecting the coaches.

There's also an article in The Athletic this morning about some of the female coaches who are working in the tournament and how the NCAA is basically penalizing them in their teams. If they have, say, a baby who depends on them for food, that baby counts inside the bubble against the total that they can bring in, so that coach's team, if they want to feed their child, has to have one lass athletic trainer, one lass other coach, one last person in the traveling part.

Ridiculous.

Okay, now that that is positively ridiculous. No one should be punished for having children. The children are already punishment enough, not to mention asking a coach to choose between her baby and the trainer for the team. I mean, that's a really great way to get the rest of the team to hate that baby.

I mean, you could be getting deep.

Tissue massages right now if it wasn't for little Derek. Now, I don't know why this seems so hard, but there's an obvious solution here. All you should do is have the baby be the assistant coach. After all, a crying baby can be very motivational.

What do you want about? Blanket a bottle? You want me to win the tournament? Is that it? Okay, I'll win the tournament. Just please take a nap. Take a nap, to take a nap of who stuff crying.

The fact is the way that the women have been treated during this tournament has been disgraceful. Only stiver lining is that it's made the NCAA's favoritism towards male athletes as blatant and impossible to ignore, as that one guy in the gym suit.

God, does anyone want to take me?

Now?

You three, let's get right into it now. Look, I know everybody want to talk about Trump, but first let's talk about the opposite of Trump. Women's basketball. Last night, the LSU Lady Tigers be IOWA in a tournament that had record breaking viewership, but it wasn't just who won the game that left people talking controversy.

Following last night's game, after LSU sophomore Angel Reese taunted IOSTR Caitlin Clark, commentators and fans online calling Reese disrespectful and unclassy, but Reese pointed out that no one cared when Clark had made the same yes in a previous game.

Oh who this? You'll see what that black woman did to the white woman who did the same thing to a previous woman in a previous game. Must tweeter, can't resist, must tweets all. First Off, Caitlyn Clark herself was okay with the shit. She was fine with it because Caitlyn gets that trash talk it's part of the game. And I agree personally, I think trash talk is good for sports.

Sports.

It's better when that's trash talk even better when it might start a race war. You can't see me, you can't see me. And to be honest, man, this was some good competition, yo. Caitlyn Clark versus Angel Reaches. This might be the new Magic Johnson versus Larry Bird. This might be the start of a few that bleeds into the professional and into the NWNBA. You think Caitlyn Clark ain't back in iour right now training, You think she ain't right now dunking off the side of a bar.

Did first Lady Jill Biden get so excited about the women's basketball championship game she put her foot in her mouth as she celebrated LSU's victory over Iowa. Doctor Jill suggested, both teams come to the White House.

So I know we'll have the champions come to.

The White House.

We always do, so you know we'll help LSU come. But you know what I'm gonna tell Joe, I think Iowa should come to because they played such a good game.

Yes, yes, No, you're wrong.

She's talking about peace and unity, y'all. Why shouldn't the losers be standing proud with the winners? Come on, Jill, Jill Biden, you're trying to turn the White House into a participation trophy. Nobody likes participation trophies. Even the kids don't like participation trophies.

Nobody.

Nobody's ever came home after school after the big game with their trophy like yo, check it out, I struck out twelve times. From more on the story, we turned to Dozy. Light of Dozy Desie, we've been talking about this story around the building all week, and I know you'll agree with me. The whole thing, the whole thing on this issue comes down to one word, and that word is racism. I'm sorry, but you think you think this is racism.

Roy, I know racism when I see it, and this is textbook racism. A mostly white team getting an invite to the White House for losing is white privilege at its most insidious. If I may quote Malcolm.

X, no no, no, no, no, no, you may not. You may not quote Malcolm Max.

You got it.

I hear what you're saying, Deisi. But this is clearly sexism. This, this offered, This would have never happened in men's sports, but women are expected to get along and to share the prize simply because they're women. If I could quote the great Glorious Astonish.

You look, Roy, it is racist to honor white losers the same as black winners. Trust me, I have a unique perspective on race as a person talking to a black man. Right now, does he.

Let me explain to you how internalized sexism works. Let me explain sex system to you. Doctor Jill Biden treated these adult women like a bunch of high schoolers who all had to be invited to the slumber party. No matter what, that's not what you do. And I know what I'm talking about because I watch Handmaiden's Tale a couple of seasons. That's the name of it. Is it Handmaids a Handmaiden's Tale? Which one is it?

I don't know. I only watch Atlanta. Okay, look whether whether it's racism or sexism, and it's racism. I think we can both agree on two things. One, I know all the lyrics to ganinst His Paradise. And two, this was not Jill Biden's finest moment.

Yes, doctor Jill Biden, Doctor Jill Biden made a mistake. Maybe next year the White House should have Vice President Kamala Harris extend the invite. You know, another strong.

Woman, a strong black woman.

Who made us her history.

Not to mention, she knows how to kick it at the cook at No. I mean.

That's right, girl boss.

Yeah, give it all. We're in the final stretch of March Madness, that special time of year that turns every office into an underground gambling ring, and last night all eyes were on a rematch between two of the biggest stars in the tournament.

In goat fashion, Caitlyn Clark led Iowa over defending champion LSU and a rematch of last year's final.

For anyone who questioned her greatness, Caitlyn Clark had the answer.

Forty one points, nine.

Threes, twelve assists, a record breaking masterpiece that lived up to the hype of a rematch.

In an epic battle of.

Greats, Clark steps back fires you pack, oh mine from Schenectady. She's simply ridiculous. She's possessed.

This poor announcer. Kaitlyn Clark hit so many big shots that the guy was clearly running out of things to say. She's ridiculous, She's possessed, She's a witch drowner. I don't know, but honestly, honestly, what's an awesome rivalry? Kaylin Clark and Angel Reese two fierce competitors playing their hearts out, captivating the nation while they're still in college. My biggest accomplishment in college was getting a single dorm because of my ibs. Hey, if there was a sock on the door, it was

What a great thing for women's sports that we care. We're talking about it tonight on CNN because people are caring, and ultimately that is good.

We care the fact that we're talking about women's basketball and any you know, women's sports in general. I mean, this is really great a freaking level.

It's really great.

I've done this for thirty two years.

I've never once spent five minutes on any show I've ever done any where talking about a great women's game last night at any level.

Okay, I might say more about you, but we'll take the win. We'll take it. That's right. People are excited about women's basketball right now. They're discovering it like it's the first time your mom tried sushi. Oh my god, have you heard about this? Spread the word? But everyone is raving everyone. Even Shaquille O'Neil said, women's basketball this year is a better game than men's basketball. Yeah. Yeah, and he's like the most famous men's basketball player. That's

In the women's tournament, controversy is brewing after four games were played on a court in Portland, Oregon, where the three point line was about six inches closer to the hoof on one side. The error was discovered before North Carolina played Texas in the Elite Eight. Both teams coaches decided to go ahead with the game to not delay the tournament.

Okay, I really relate to this as a woman. It is so classic for someone else to fuck up and we're like, oh, the line is messed up. It's fine, we'll just go ahead and play four games. You can fix it later or not whatever. I'm sorry, but what exactly happened with the three point line? To get more on this, we go live to Josh Johnson at the arena. Josh, what happened down there? The line was several inches too short. That's a huge error, well does he?

I talked to the director of court maintenance who made the mistake, as well as several other men who were just around, and we all we all agreed that your link being a few inches shorter than everyone was expecting is no big deal, no story here.

Back to you.

Wait, that's not true. Having the line be that short makes an enormous difference. Enormous is a little mean.

Plus, it's not about the length of the line. It's about how you play the game, Okay, And I think we can all agree it was a pretty good game.

You know. It's good for me.

I enjoyed it.

And as far as the difference, the women didn't even notice, all right, Josh.

Even if the women said they didn't notice, trust me, they always notice.

Okay, But let's get this line guy a break, because when I talked to him, he swore this had never happened before. Okay, And and know why it was too short?

Maybe it was his first time. Okay. Maybe he'd been drinking.

All right, Maybe the arena was cold.

How does being cold make a difference? It just does. Okay, Wow, you seem pretty worked up about this. When don't we move past the length of the line. Thank you. Let's talk about the curve because the curve was weird?

All right, DESI I'm out. This is why I only play basketball by myself.

Okay, Josh, Josh, Okay, Josh, justin everybody.

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